Priorities

[PJ-Lonely]

I usually don't seek relationship advise-because I can normally work through my problems by practicing what I know is best-"communication." This time, however, the tried and true method does not seem to be helping-and I am turning to strangers with hopes of some good advice and\or insight.

 

My husband and I have been married for 5 years (Aug 2000) and together for almost 8. We have a beautiful son together-as well as another wonderful child from my previous marriage. We appear to have the picture perfect life- happy kids, good jobs, lots of friends and money is okay. With all of this- one might wonder- what in the world could be missing? Sometimes I even wonder myself why I am not satisfied- and the answer is always the same; "because I don't like to "settle" for anything other than what I know I want.

 

A couple of years ago, I noticed that my husband was getting way too involved in sports. Watching sports on TV or attending sporting events-professional or otherwise- ALL the time as well as playing golf himself. It came to a point where his entire day was consumed by one form or another with sports. At 5:00am he turned on ESPN, from there it was a sports radio station in the truck on the way to work, once at work-his desk radio was tuned in to the sports talk shows, again on the way home-radio sports, once home for the evening-he was flipping through every cable channel trying to keep up with as many games as possible-at one time, ESPN again at 11:00pm until he fell asleep in his chair. In the middle of all of this there was football pools, fantasy football, office bets on upcoming events, and playing golf at every oppurtunity no matter what. Every year for the past 3 years-he has been involved in a weekend long golf outing-with friends- that costs a lot of money-and requires much planning and thought to make all of the arrangements. This trip is twice a year- and he never misses it.

 

He used to consult with me (somewhat) about plans that he would make-but even that has stopped.

 

We are now back in our old home town- and I am trying to get a business off the ground- working 6 days a week-usually 10 hours a day. He too works- at another job- and I know he works hard-and enjoys his days off. I enjoy my days off too- but I enjoy spending them with my family. This has not been possible lately- because my husband has been making plans every weekend to play golf with this person or that person- who ever asks. He does not consult with me-to see if I have already made plans. We only get one day a week-to spend together- when he and I aren't working-and the kids are out of school- and he can't seem to make the right decision-he always chooses golf.

 

Our 5th year anniversary was August 18. A couple of months ago- he began talking again about the next upcoming golf trip- and I put my foot down- I told him that he was not going on another golf trip until he took me somewhere. So the next day he was on the phone making arrangements for us to spend a weekend out of town for our anniversary. I was extremely happy- until I discovered that he had invited another couple-a golfing buddy and his wife. It ended up that he spent more time and attention on his buddy-talking sports- or watching the golf tournament on TV in the room- than time with me.

 

The past month- every weekend- golf. Last weekend-on our only day off together- even after me telling him that I was not happy about it- he was out-playing golf again. We talked that night- I cried- he stared at me like I was an idiot-and I told him that I was not getting what I need out of our relationship- he got very defensive and said he would not give up golf- but I never asked him to. I know he loves golf-he's good at it and I want him to play. But I want him to want to be with me too. This week went better-he was more attentive and affectionate. But today-I found out that he is planning another golf outing this weekend-and has not even mentioned it to me- his brother called me this morning to see if my husband has made a tee time yet.

 

I am at the end of my rope- so confused about what to do. My first instinct is to throw my hands up in the air and tell him to get out. But I love him, he's a good father, and I know he loves me. I am a straight forward person-I make my feelings clear-get everything out on the table- so this is not about a lack of communication. He just can't get his priorities straight. What can I do? I am fresh out of ideas.

 

Thanks- PJ-Lonely

[Tony T]

Learn how to play golf. You'll probably love it and, after a bit of practice, be very good at it.

 

The family that golfs together, stays together.

 

That is your only alternative to leaving because it sounds like he is completely addicted and it also appears that golfing is more important to him than....

[loren]

ya know what? i can truly, truly sympathize with you! my boyfriend is such a sports fanatic as well. he lives and breathes sports, sports talk on the radio on t.v., espn, with his pals on the web, every sports site that there is, he is on it, he emails his fantasy football buddies about their next stragety, he hasn't played golf tho since we've been together in two years.

 

i can't stop it either, i have come to an agreement with him tho about not having it on the radio when i am in the car with him, he agreed, sorta, he slips at times, most of the time, then i ignore him when he makes a comment about it and he gets the hint and turns it off. i truly feel for you, i was ready to leave my b'f too cause of this. maybe counseling would help, it would at least allow some time together, almost.......... i know i didn't help but at least your not alone! i don't get the big fasination with sports, maybe your home teams but come on guys enough is enough! ! ! they are obsessed with it and maybe something is missing in their life or they are hiding from something, who knows when they wont tell you...good luck! we both need it! is there any hobbies you and him can start together? you can always try what tony suggested, learn to play yourself! with him.......

Learn how to play golf. You'll probably love it and, after a bit of practice, be very good at it. The family that golfs together, stays together.

 

That is your only alternative to leaving because it sounds like he is completely addicted and it also appears that golfing is more important to him than....

[Lucille]

This may not help you at all, but this is what I would do:

 

I would find a hobby or sport or activity of my own, that makes me happy and let him go off and do what he wants. Look after yourself. Like my boyfriend is always working or away working and I found I was sitting around on my own wishing I could be doing things with him. So I joined the gym, started to write, started doing things that I wanted to do. Now I kind of look forward to when he's not here so I can do what I want. I'm a lot happier with myself, whether he's around or not. I try not to rely on a man for too much because they usually can't deliver (be it our high expectations or their lack of adequacy).

 

Learning how to play golf would be a good idea if you think you might like it, but if not, why should you bother?

 

Obviously if you have told him that you love him and want to spend time alone with him and he still doesn't understand your marriage is in trouble if he keeps it up, he's not being there for you, so don't be there for him. Sooner or later he'll realise that he's not getting what he took for granted and wake up.

 

If you've tried everything else, it's worth a try?

[Lucille]

This tactic is all the better if it involves you getting more gorgeous in some way (exercising, getting a makeover, designing bikinis) and then going out and socialising somewhere where spunky men might frequent (all completely innocently of course!). Just make sure it's what you like doing.

 

I realise when you have children and work a long day it may not be easy, but maybe you can adapt it for yourself.