Handling hearing about how your ex has moved on

[Karala]

Could you do it? If not now, when? How long do you think it should take you?

 

I'm not talking necessarily about them finding someone new. For me, last time I heard about my ex, a mutual friend told me about him sending her a text asking how she was and telling her she should drop by his place sometime, and it was enough to crush me. Like "he should be home grieving and miserable, not making small talk and having a normal social life". Lol. Stupid, I know, but this is how I felt.

 

I'm doing okay as long as I don't have to hear from him, but I'm pretty terrified about the moment when I'll have to deal with mutual friends telling me about his life. Even if they don't tell me about a new girlfriend (they would probably spare me), just hearing about him going on in life perfectly fine without me would crush me. I really hope this feeling is temporary and that in time, hopefully soon enough, I'll be able to handle it.

 

For the moment, I can't handle a thing. Strict NC and zero information does it for me.

[0hpenelope]

I can handle it now. I just hide it from my mutual friends that it bothers me to hear about him. That's the nature of having mutual friendships: no matter how small, the ex & I will get some news about each other. I remember user Ginger Beer having this problem just a few weeks ago, too.

 

It took me about... 5 months. In a way, knowing that I wasn't his priority anymore helped me deal with the pain, got me a bit angry at how unfair things are, and then I got over that anger. I don't ask about him; the information I received about him post-bu have been unsolicited.

 

Be upset, Karala. Allow yourself that. Just don't show it to them. Never, ever show the negative parts of your healing to them if you don't want a part of your bad moments to reach him. Your ex will find out, one way or the other. Vent about it with other friends or with us instead.

[Rory12345]

It hurt but I found it helped me more. It took me about a month myself. As she stopped caring it showed me that I shouldn't be wasting my time on someone who can just drop me and go with someone else a couple of weeks later. I only want people in my life who care about me and who I care about.

 

Hope this helps.

[Karala]

Be upset, Karala. Allow yourself that. Just don't show it to them. Never, ever show the negative parts of your healing to them if you don't want a part of your bad moments to reach him. Your ex will find out, one way or the other. Vent about it with other friends or with us instead.

 

I live by this law. And this is why I've been pretty much ignoring and avoiding the mutual friends for these last two months, because I know I could never fake it well enough. I was devastated a month and a half ago when I was supposed to meet a friend of mine (and his) and I couldn't make it because I was feeling so wretched, and the idea that my ex could hear about me breaking down was tearing me apart. And then I was even more devastated two weeks later when I finally got to see this friend and she told me about the text message and everything, and it was apparent that my ex was not a mess like I was. Not that I was suprised, but I just don't want to hear about it.

[patagonia]

I handled it horribly and still am. I moved across country for my ex wife who was excited to see me and have me in her life. While I was on my way she began talking to someone else. She didn't tell me about it and I had to find out my own way. She denied all feelings or depth to the talking but yet wouldn't tell him to leave her alone or quit talking to him. Now they are 'in love' after a month of talking to each other and 2 weeks of being in a relationship. So all of that happened while I was staying at her place...how to handle it? I have no idea...how long is it going to take for me to handle it? I have no idea

[0hpenelope]

I can relate. Actually, I can break it down for a bit more. I spoke to one of 'em in March (2 mos.), asked her to do me a favor and said something like "I'm not sure if he's asked about me and I don't want to know. I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell him anything about me if I'm okay and I won't ask about him."

 

5th month was last month and I spoke to her about something that brought him up and she referred to him as "he who shall not be named." Nope, sorry, there's only one Voldemort and Harry Potter killed him some 20 years ago. By that point, I was strong enough to make it off that I was 100% when in fact, I was still at 80%-85%. I told her that what they are to each other or do together are not my business.

 

These mutual friends have also been subjects of a few posts. I spoke w/ them again this month, but they have no idea I don't intend to keep in touch anymore. I think my situation's different in that their actions showed that they gave him more support than they gave me; for the first 3 months of the break up, I felt like I was "chasing" them for attention vs. my other friends who were following up with "I just wanted to see how you were doing." Nope, mutual friends were radio silent up until April and it didn't feel good when they got in touch. Not only did I have to get over the break up, I had to also get over what I thought was the loss of their friendships at the same time. It's alright now because I can let go. Maybe this is where we might differ and hopefully, your mutual friend has been better support for you.

 

So with regards to this:

I live by this law. And this is why I've been pretty much ignoring and avoiding the mutual friends for these last two months, because I know I could never fake it well enough. I was devastated a month and a half ago when I was supposed to meet a friend of mine (and his) and I couldn't make it because I was feeling so wretched, and the idea that my ex could hear about me breaking down was tearing me apart. And then I was even more devastated two weeks later when I finally got to see this friend and she told me about the text message and everything, and it was apparent that my ex was not a mess like I was. Not that I was suprised, but I just don't want to hear about it.

 

You're doing right, girl. You are and I'm happy that you didn't force yourself. No one can do that unless they're ready to play pretend. I just wanted to come back to say that you really have to be nice to yourself; it's only been two months. And at the same time just because I was able to handle hearing about him after 5 months it doesn't mean you're "worse off" if you don't feel okay at your 5 months. Just different. I mean, on your 3rd or 4th month who knows? Maybe you'll be okay sooner than you think and you just don't know it right now. I certainly didn't. I had to hear about him again in order to know.

 

Also, even though he was messaging your friend like that, I wouldn't assume that it was apparent he wasn't a mess like you. It really is all about projection and perhaps he's choosing to show the good parts of himself right now, too. That's what I tell myself: I can't assume that he's happier or sadder than I am because I need to focus on myself. Take all news about your ex with a grain of salt.

 

I've seen different and I've been surprised. Keep at what you're doing. I'm rooting for you.

[xeros]

I found out a day later after a breakup that she was seeing someone else, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It helped me move on though, through both anger and knowing there was zero chance of reconciliation or anything like that.

[reimeivn]

the so called mutual friends are all his friends. None of them were with me, or acted as if they cared about me. They were very hurtful so, I just dont hang out with them anymore. I deleted them from my facebook and from my life.

 

to me, i am still going to school so it really doesnt matter. I just dont do friends with them anymore, i ll be done in 1 2 years and i ll move on to somewhere fabulous, so eff them.

[shortee143]

I can handle it now. I just hide it from my mutual friends that it bothers me to hear about him. That's the nature of having mutual friendships: no matter how small, the ex & I will get some news about each other. I remember user Ginger Beer having this problem just a few weeks ago, too.

 

It took me about... 5 months. In a way, knowing that I wasn't his priority anymore helped me deal with the pain, got me a bit angry at how unfair things are, and then I got over that anger. I don't ask about him; the information I received about him post-bu have been unsolicited.

 

Be upset, Karala. Allow yourself that. Just don't show it to them. Never, ever show the negative parts of your healing to them if you don't want a part of your bad moments to reach him. Your ex will find out, one way or the other. Vent about it with other friends or with us instead.

 

I needed to read this. It is so true. I have the last few months post breakup been in contact due the mutual friend thing. I hear and see things I would sooo rather not. It was REALLY hard at first, I had to actually listen to him have sex with one girl (at a party together etc, so that's why), heard all about how wonderful and pretty his new girl is (he told me that to my face oh so casually, nice guy huh?). I at first vented a lot to mutual friends, but like ohpenelope says, it is better not to, bc it always gets back to them! So am I hurting, upset, want him to know how much he hurt me, etc..def..BUT I need to keep myself in check when around him or such mutual friends. It is hard to keep that all in check, as whe I am around him tere isj just so much I want to say to him!! Hearing they have moved on, when you exactly have not...plus knowing about it all....it sucks. But I can say, I do get those icky feelings about it, but it is what it is, and I just deal. So I can handle it. You will too. It is just weird. It's like you deal with breaking up and that sucks enough...then it is on to this next stage in watching them move on if you are oh so lucky enough to be privy to that info.

[radiodarcy]

For the moment, I can't handle a thing. Strict NC and zero information does it for me.

 

same for me as well. i'm at five months NC and while i'm feeling much better it's because i've been fortunate enough to have zero information about him pass between my ears or before my eyes.

 

we don't really have any mutual friends - - and the ones we do i haven't been in contact with for months. there is one mutual friend i suspect will probably move in on him (as she had in the past - - after i told her i liked him) but hey - - since we haven't talked in months i really don't have a problem with cutting her off either.

 

as for when i'd be ready - - probably never. maybe i would feel differently if he wasn't my first love - - my first everything really. but because he is, i'm always going to have feelings for him and that's going to affect my response to any kind of information i see or hear about him.

[English-Rose]

It's never easy to hear about your ex's life post break up. My ex and I split up 4 months ago and he already has a new gf who he went on holiday with last week abroad. I am so sad about it but there's not a thing I can do! My life goes on as does his. I just don't want to know anything else about his life anymore, it does me no good at all!