Lost the spark in the relationship.

[K33]

Some background information first...I'm 20 and he is 21. We met online and talked for a few months. We hit it off immediately. We have so much in common...I hate to say this because it's so cliché, but it really feels like we are soul mates.

 

We "broke up" after four or five months, and six months later I decided to message him again and we hit it off once again. Well, we talked for about a year before we met and all that year he always called me his girlfriend. This was when I was 18. I was completely and still am smitten with this guy. He is everything I have ever wanted.

 

When we finally met, I was estatic. I had butterflies in my stomach and I still get them every time I think of him and every time we saw each other. We always made sure to go on skype every night when he didn't have any college work to do. We text each other every day as much as we could. I'm talking about hundreds of times a day. We saw each other for at least a week every two months.

 

We got engaged to be engaged. We both bought each other rings and everything. We talked about me moving in with him and getting married. I still want to marry him. I was going to move in with him later this year or early next year.

 

I went over to the east coast to see him in May and stayed for over 2 weeks. It was awesome. We took a road trip so I could meet his uncles and aunts and pretty much all his extended family.

 

Well, this month has just been completely horrible. I had a lot of stuff going wrong and I really needed him there for me. He just seemed distant this month. We got into an argument on the fourth because I expressed this to him. After a day of cooling off we decided we love each other too much to just give up.

 

About a week ago, we were talking on the phone and I was having a horrible day so I asked him to cheer me up and he just asked "How?" That made my day even worse so I just told him that I was going to go. We hung up and I didn't hear from him until three days ago and he actually talked to me for a feew minutes. He told me that he doesn't feel the spark anymore, but that he misses me. He is or was supposed to come down in a couple of weeks. He told me that he feels horrible and that he wants to feel the spark again, but that he's scared that if he comes here that he won't feel it.

 

I feel completely miserable because I don't have many friends to help me at least keep my mind off of this or to give me advice. This isn't a relationship I'm willing to just give up on, but it feels like there is no hope. I don't want to lose him.

 

He has rarely texted me this past week and a half so this makes it harder on me. I need some advice on bringing back the spark in our relationship.

[HeavenOrHell]

Ask him why/how he thinks the spark has gone. R/ships do change over time, but it is possible to stay in love long term, the intensity will fluctuate though.

[K33]

I am not willing to just give up on the relationship. We have been through so much together and we've always been there for each other. So starting new right now is not even an option in my mind.

 

I have asked him why he feels that the spark is and he says that it doesn't feel the same between us anymore. I totally agree. It doesn't feel the same. The only difference is that I felt like we were getting closer and he feels like we're growing apart. He is with his family right now so I understand why he has not talked to me in a couple days. But this past week it feels like I'm the only one trying to at least put the spark back in.

 

The other day he told me he felt like I was giving up, but isn't he the one giving up? He barely talks to me anymore and somehow I still feel like I did something wrong. I'm constantly thinking of what I did, but I know that I did nothing. This is on him. I always kept things romantic and spontaneous in our relationship.

 

I think we both just need to actually see each other in person and talk it out, but he's the type of person who doesn't like talking about stuff like this and I'm completely opposite. I like talking things out right away.

[K33]

Update:

 

I wrote him a letter because I feel letters are more personal. I just wrote about how I know we can get through this because we've gotten through worse. I told him that all relationships go through stuff like this; that all relationships fluctuate. I also gave an idea about how he should come down here like we planned and see how things go. I said how I think we should just take things slowly so he can start to feel the spark again.

 

We talked on Sunday and he said he doesn't know if he wants to stay with me or not because he doesn't feel like he can be without me. He said that he would always care about me.

 

I'm hoping that once he gets my letter we'll actually talk more.

[crazylove]

I think that's a great idea writing him a letter. Hopefully he'll see that you want to try and work things out. Maybe it would be better if could meet face to face as planned and discuss it. Good luck, and keep us updated:)

[K33]

Oh, I know. I asked him on Sunday if I went down there if he would pick me up from the airport. He never answered so that plan is out. I don't just want to show up and have him not answer the door and then I have no where to stay. Hopefully he'll actually read my letter. I'm hoping he'll say he wants to come down here and talk, but that's not just him. He doesn't like talking about stuff like this, but I do...I like talking about things right away. I'm trying not to get my hopes too high. I haven't heard from him since Sunday.

[K33]

A little update:

 

So Thursday night we actually talked for a little while and he asked me if I still want to try. I asked him if he did and he said "Part of me does and part of me doesn't." I told him that I'm so emotionally broken because of this. He thought I was saying that because I wanted to just give up. I told him that that wasn't what I meant and I got no reply.

 

So, I had a little hope that things were starting to work out a little bit. Then today he just text me saying how it was stormy outside and that was all. A couple hours ago my friend texts me and says "So he took all your pictures off of Facebook." Now, I know that sounds like nothing to a lot of people, but he always said he loved looking at all our pictures and all of a sudden he takes them off. I don't know what to think about it. I texted him asking why he took them down and no reply. It seems like it's going backwards again. And I'm starting to lose hope.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm sorry From what you've said it doesn't sound too hopeful. Let us know how things go.

[K33]

We had a long talk yesterday and he decided he still wants to be with me so he's coming in a couple weeks. It's been going really great so far. Thanks for the support guys!. I'll keep you guys updated.

[K33]

Well, somehow I managed to mess things up. :/

 

He waited too long to get airplane tickets and the prices are too expensive right now. He told me he can't come down. So, I got really sad, but I understood why he couldn't come. I tried to sleep, but couldn't because I was too sad. I wanted to talk on the phone with him, but he wouldn't pick up whenever I called him. Let me tell you, I'm way too tired of hearing his dang voicemail. I was starting to get mad so I told him how I felt like he doesn't care still. Well, now we're back to the "I don't know if I want to be with you" part. I'm losing hope completely. He isn't talking to me again. He only answers if I ask him if he's at work and all he says is "Yeah".

 

Shdfngmjhhnbgfvcd. I'm so frustrated and emotionally drained. :/

[K33]

Just an update:

 

We've actually been talking a lot. He's been talking about moving in together again and he's flirting with me again.

[HeavenOrHell]

That's good to hear

 

 

Just an update:

 

We've actually been talking a lot. He's been talking about moving in together again and he's flirting with me again.

[FrostFire]

He's toying with your emotions and has led you into feeling guilty when there's actually nothing wrong with what you're doing. In fact, it's completely natural and predictable. His attachment style appears to be avoidant and because you're anxious anytime he shows disinterest in you will automatically program you to go into the "I need reassurance mode." You will always be dealing with these emotions so long as you are with this man. You can work at this but it's going to require him to understand that you need more reassurance in a relationship more so than he does. If he can't offer that to you then there are other men out there for you to evaluate if they will match your "anxious" attachment style. Or... you can choose to stay with him and "try" to work it out.

 

I highly recommend a book called "Attached: The Science of Adult Attachment." It will help you understanding your attachment style and his. What sets your emotions off and perhaps help you see why you react the way you do. It's no fault of your own. There's nothing wrong with you. Sounds like things are going good right now.

 

Good Luck!

[K33]

I respect you opinion...But I definitely know that he does not do that. We both had our doubts about our relationship. We both needed to think about things. When I was doubting us, he reassured me he wanted to work things out. And vise versa.

[K33]

Well, things haven't gone good at all. Things always seemed to get in the way of us. :/ He says I'm too insecure (which I am not anymore) and that I'm looking for him to "save" me (I just want him to support me). :/ He has decided we shouldn't talk anymore. This is all very hard for me. I'm going to be patient with all this and hope he will change his mind. :/ I hope I have enough strength.

[K33]

He started talking to me about 3 weeks ago and things have been going pretty good. We have not argued and we have both learned to let the small things go. Fingers crossed it keeps going this way.