Baffled123 Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 I will do my best to keep this from being too long, I apologize if it is I want to premise this by saying that if anyone has a different boundary in their marriage I respect that, all relationships are different and have different boundaries, doesn't make mine or yours better or worse then the others. My husband and I have been married for 3 years. Back before we were even engaged we had discussed the topic of ex girlfriends/boyfriends and dealing with them when one is married. I had said that for me a personal boundary in marriage would be to not keep in contact exes (if he was super best friends with one I would make an exception, but he wasn't). I just feel that in a marriage relationship it isn't respectful to keep in contact with someone who once had your heart. I've personally seen too many affairs happen from keeping these relationships going. I was very open and upfront about it. I was also open to discussion if he felt differently. I understand that in relationships boundaries need to be created together and have a little give and take. However he had absolutely no problem with it and said that he felt the exact same way. Fast forward to today. We have a very open and transparent relationship. We have each others passwords to everything, we have access to each others phones, etc. Well he went back home for a special family event. We didn't have enough money for both of us to go so only he was able to. 3 days after he got home he got a text message while he was in the shower, so I grabbed the phone to check it and relay the message to him. That's when I found out that while he was down there he contacted his ex girlfriend and talked with her a lot. Now this was the girl before me, they had a very serious relationship and were planning on getting married. His mother adored her and kept her photos up in the house up until the week he got married, hoping he would change his mind. She also tried to get back with him up until we got married (just a side note they had been split for a 2 years before we started dating). I was crushed firstly because this was a mutual boundary and understanding we had had for a long time but mostly because he didn't say a word to me about it. I probably wouldn't have been angry at all if he had been honest and told me upfront hey I just wanted to let you know so it didn't look like something it wasn't that I called my ex girl. He had had the whole time he was down there to tell me plus the time he was home. So I was upset. He at first denied he had contacted her when I asked, that's when I let him know I saw it on the phone and he said oh... that was it. Afterwards I found out he contacted her again and said that the communication had to stop because of me. I didn't ask him to do that, that was his choice. He didn't tell me he did it either, I found out through a mutual friend because now his ex girlfriend is angry and letting it be known. She feels that I am controlling and just making things difficult and that I need to get over myself. She's making me feel dumb for having this boundary. She is married as well, but keeps in regular contact with each and every ex she has ever had. My husband was her most serious relationship. I stopped all contact with exes after me and my husband got married. My husband had agreed and said he had felt the same. It was mutual point of view. Yet now her feelings are making me feel like the bad guy. And my husband didn't make me feel any better cause he now says he doesn't see it as a big deal. Was I wrong for being upset that he contacted her? Am I just being difficult? He never expressed feeling differently until after he went back home. They have me feeling like I'm the psycho Link to post Share on other sites
Afishwithabike Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 What would concern me the most is his lying about contacting her. You'd both agreed to keep your respective ex partners in the past and he broke that agreement. He did and then he lied to cover up. So what if she's angry? Her feelings don't matter. She's not a party to your relationship with him. I don't think you're a psycho. My husband and I don't keep in touch with our former partners. I know he wasn't a virgin when he met me and I had dated several others before him. We didn't have a rule about not contacting others we've seen, but it's something we do naturally after a relationship is over. It's in the past and we leave it there. Sometimes marriages break up when one partner, usually innocently, gets in touch with an old flame and things reignite. It's easy to start an emotional affair with someone for whom you once had strong feelings. Emotional affairs can lead to physical affairs. People need to be completely honest with themselves as to why they seek out ex-girlfriends whom they've agreed not to contact. Why would he need her as a friend when he probably has other friends? For some people, keeping in touch with old partners is a harmless thing, but for many these days, it's not. Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 Afterwards I found out he contacted her again and said that the communication had to stop because of me. I didn't ask him to do that, that was his choice. He didn't tell me he did it either, I found out through a mutual friend because now his ex girlfriend is angry and letting it be known. She feels that I am controlling and just making things difficult and that I need to get over myself. That's the part that would bother me most honestly. How childish is that. "I can't talk to you, my momma wont let me". I gotta hope you bitchslapped him for that one. Twice. How old is he? You better hope he grows up fast. Link to post Share on other sites
Lexygirl Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 Actually I don't think you are dumb at all... I think you communicated very well how you feel about the situation. SHE is being very immature and has boundary issues. He shouldn't have been in touch with her at all while he was away and hopefully this is the last you will see of them communicating... Having said all that.... If I were you, I would drop this thing now and not dwell on it or nag him about it, etc. It will only cause you two grief. Don't let her cause further distance between you and YOUR husband. Of course, if you see further proof that they are still in communication, you have every right to call him on it... let's hope he doesn't... he knows how you feel and that should be the end of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Do not let her make you feel dumb. You are totally correct on this one. She has the issues and not you. The more she attacks you on this, the more she proves that you were right. Link to post Share on other sites
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