Wierd online chatting/cheating situation...

[GrandeQueso]

I'm new here, but came looking for some support, and hopefully some help on how to deal with my situation.

 

My wife of 1 1/2 years has been chatting late at night and while I'm at work for about 2 months (she's unemployed). She began chatting online as herself but under a different name. As well, she's also been chatting as a young male, and recently as his live in sister as well.

 

I thought nothing of it, but found it really disconcerting that whenever I did come into our computer room, that she quickly closed the screens because she was "embarrassed" of what she was chatting about. Not giving it much thought, I figured it was just girl talk and left it be. About 2 weeks ago she told me that she had phoned a couple of her online friends to cheer them up when they were feeling down, and I didn't have an issue with that, understanding that she doesn't have many friends nearby and that she's the type of person who likes to help others (just like her mother).

 

Well, within the past week, I became more and more concerned with the situation, and decided to install a spy program. The timing was so strange, because the day that I installed this program she phoned a man as the live-in sister in order to surprise him. Well, the call wasn't a friendly call, she was having phone sex with him. When they got on later to chat about this, the program recorded it all, and I confronted her with the information the next morning after I read part of the transcript. I was livid and woke her up to talk about it (she'd only been to bed about 2 hours).

 

Her excuse was that she knew it was wrong the minute she did it, and was simply trying to make the guy feel better about himself, and that she had no feelings for him. According to her, it didn't do anything for her sexually, she didn't join in with her vibrator, and because of his broken back and being in his parents garage at the time she called, that it didn't do much for him either.

 

She agreed that it was wrong, and was already thinking of ways to stop it. I agreed to remove the spy software and did so in her presence (mistake #1). As well, she concocted a story that the live-in sister was moving out in order to cut off ties with this man as the sister. However, she's still chatting online as a man. And this man is quite well known throughout a online community, and has had online relationships with multiple women, as well as "cybersex" just last night according to the other keystroke recorder I put on.

 

Her excuse is that this is all role-playing, and just a fantasy way to spend time online. However, she's staying online from 10-4 almost every night, and I'm getting worried that this is getting in the way of her finding employment again (she's on state unemployment currently). I know that this is a problem, and she's told me that she doesn't believe that she could go on without me (if we were to divorce), but right now I'm having a hard time trusting the love of my life.

 

I want to talk to her about it, but right now, our trust levels are really screwed up. I also think that maybe some counseling would help, especially with the role-playing aspect. I suggested to her that instead of acting out online, maybe she should think about writing a book, but she answered by saying that there's no interaction with that.

 

As well, some additional information, we're both overweight, and she's approximately 400 pounds, but both of her online personas are young and slim. I realize this may be something to do with it, as when she thinks of her weight it often depresses her, and she thinks that when in public people are looking at and judging her. I have been working at a new job and spending many hours there (avg 12 hour day 7-7), but I'm beginning to thing that it's negatively affecting my marriage more than it's benefitting our situation. When I do have time at home, I'm normally wanting to relax, and I could be more interactive and involve her instead of staring at the TV.

 

Also, in the past, she's lied to me. One day she poured some water on the bed knowing that I'd discover it, and thinking that she had masturbated at home and wet the bed, that I'd be excited and interested in having sex with her. She revealed this to me on the way to her parents house one day, and I didn't talk to her for a large portion of the trip to their house (1.5 hr) and couldn't believe that she had tricked me and was really upset with her.

 

I really think that our relationship is good, and until last month when I went on a business trip, we could count the number of nights spent apart in the last 4.5 years on one hand. I want to try to help her, but I know she won't change unless there's a catalyst. I don't want to be as extreme as to cancel our Internet service, or throw out the computers, but I really don't want her chatting online any more. However, I want her to have friends, but she's not the outgoing type that will go and active seek them out in the real world. I've tried to encourage her to go to Starbucks and get a coffee or go to the mall and wander around, but she's worried that people will look and make fun of her due to her weight. (this is another area where she's just like her mother)

 

Confused in Cheeseland..

GrandeQueso

[hART]

Your inclination to seek help here was a good start.

Your inclination for go to therapy is good, go with that.

Once you have found a trustworthy therapist; take some time to ask your wife what her wants and needs are.

If she wants more time with you, figure out if you can afford it and how.

Her problems do not need to be your problems. If she wants to work through them, be there for her.

[midori]

I think this speaks to the danger of people investing too much of themselves in online relationships. The internet can be a great tool, and having the ability to interact with other people anonymously (like here) can be very useful when you're trying to figure out what's going on in a delicate matter.

 

So it's not that I'm against internet chatting and online socialization overall. Obviously, since I'm here.

 

But I think that a lot of people fail to recognize that the amount of time they put into their online lives is time they are not putting into their real lives. And it can be costly! Moreover, I think people sometimes fail to see that just because they're separated by distance and for all intents and purposes "invisible," that doesn't mean that what they do online doesn't count in their real life. An emotional affair is an emotional affair whether conducted online or in person. A sexual affair is a sexual affair, whether conducted online or in person. If you're dedicating your conscious self to interacting with another person at the expense of your committed relationship, it doesn't really matter whether that interaction occurs over the internet or in person.

 

It sounds like your wife needs to make a lot of changes in her life. Losing weight would be good for her health and probably for her self-confidence. Being unemployed can be very trying on many levels. Not the least of which is boredom. An internet community that you've become personally invested in will always be an attractive time-killer. If she's in an unbreakable habit, logging in to check things out "just this once" or "just one more time today" she needs to make a clean break of it.

 

My advice would be to forgive her for this if you can. It sounds like you can. And insist that she take active steps toward making change, for which she will be accountable to you. Not because you're her babysitter, but because she needs to make the changes for her own sake, and you care about her and want her to be healthier and happier.

 

Why don't you guys start reading books together? You can have your own little two-person book club. You can actually read the books together, or if you're having to travel a lot the two of you can read your own copies and talk daily about the book. There are sooooo many books I'd love to read if I had the time. Books are such great conversation topics. Biographies can be fascinating -- I could recommend a few that I read and enjoyed before I became a grad student with little time for pleasure reading. Anyway, that's one suggestion.

 

She needs to stay away from the online chat stuff, because she gets too involved, and is sucked into interactions that don't help her in any meaningful way (besides providing distraction) and which are damaging her marriage. So help her find things to replace that as a focal point in her life.

[GrandeQueso]

Thanks for the suggestions folks. Just being able to talk about the situation was good therapy for me as well, and her and I spoke about the situation tonight. She didn't realize that I considered the online and phone interaction cheating on me, and her intent to hurt me was farthest from her mind. She saw this all as a game, and now that she realizes that it's not has agreed to stop the chatting immediately. As well, to show that I'm willing to put trust back into the relationship, I've again removed the spy software in front of her without viewing her dialogue from today, which she told me about during our talk this evening.

 

We've still got a ways to go before the trust level is back to as it was, but a clean break from the chatting has been made, and we're on our way to being a stronger couple.

 

As well, thanks to you guys, because sometimes it's much easier to talk to the anonymous masses than to family or friends who would then know details that I really don't want to share with anyone.

 

On the way back to normalcy,

GrandeQueso