kjonston Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 (edited) I'm a married woman who had an emotional affair a while back. It started as emotional and quickly went to sexual chats and what not. We never had sex, but only made out. We're both married. A couple months ago, he was deployed and I never heard from him again but do know he is alive and well. The affair only lasted a couple months to begin with. But the way I know he terminated things was because he deleted the email account we used to communicate. At that time, I was quite pissed. So I decided to write him at a forum he frequents and give him a little piece of my mind. However, looking back at what I wrote, I wish I had been more stern. I basically told him he was a jerk, but without using those words, and at the end of the message I told him "good luck" overseas. I was proud of myself for doing that instead of begging him to contact me, but now I'm thinking of all these better things I could have said and ways to let him know he shouldn't bother contacting me. These days, I'm over him and am in a very happy place in my marriage. I would like to think that if he wrote me, I'd be strong enough to either not reply or tell him to back off. But I just keep wishing I had been "meaner", and now I'm even thinking of writing him again telling him that it's over and to not bother contacting me. On one hand it seems like a bad idea, but on the other, a part of me really wants to do it just so it will make me feel better and feel as though I get the upper hand and last word. Any advice??? Edited July 30, 2011 by kjonston Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 Meaner for what? You were in an affair with a liar, what do you expect...really? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 This seems more like a game and an ego thing, rather than getting your feelings and heart hurt. Let it go and stop focussing on him. Reconnect with your husband and fix yourself so you won't allow yourself to get close to another man. the only man you should be close to is your husband. Did he ever find out about your affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 Living well is the best revenge!! You've said goodbye, it's grand that you weren't nasty and can hold your head high. He will expect animosity and if you give it to him you're feeding his ego because he'll think you're not over him. And perhaps you're not but who cares? In the context of this it's best to move on as peacefully as you can. If he contacts you, you ignoring him will be message enough! Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 I'm a married woman who had an emotional affair a while back. It started as emotional and quickly went to sexual chats and what not. We never had sex, but only made out. We're both married. A couple months ago, he was deployed and I never heard from him again but do know he is alive and well. The affair only lasted a couple months to begin with. But the way I know he terminated things was because he deleted the email account we used to communicate. At that time, I was quite pissed. So I decided to write him at a forum he frequents and give him a little piece of my mind. However, looking back at what I wrote, I wish I had been more stern. I basically told him he was a jerk, but without using those words, and at the end of the message I told him "good luck" overseas. I was proud of myself for doing that instead of begging him to contact me, but now I'm thinking of all these better things I could have said and ways to let him know he shouldn't bother contacting me. These days, I'm over him and am in a very happy place in my marriage. I would like to think that if he wrote me, I'd be strong enough to either not reply or tell him to back off. But I just keep wishing I had been "meaner", and now I'm even thinking of writing him again telling him that it's over and to not bother contacting me. On one hand it seems like a bad idea, but on the other, a part of me really wants to do it just so it will make me feel better and feel as though I get the upper hand and last word. Any advice??? Well imagine if there was someone whom you never contact, never speak to and whom you have no desire to contact or speak to. One day out of the blue you receive a message from that person saying 'it's over and you better never contact me again'. What would you think about getting a message like that from someone your not talking to or contacting? Would you think 'oh boy, they sure have the upper hand now'? Because honestly if somebody sent me a message telling me to never contact them again months after I ended contact I would likely think that person was somewhat off their rocker. If you are truly over him, would you still be devoting your mental energy to him? Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 Actually it sounds like you are still angry and that you really haven't gotten over it; otherwise you would not be worried about what he is thinking. "But I just keep wishing I had been "meaner", and now I'm even thinking of writing him again telling him that it's over and to not bother contacting me." I don't get this. Why do you need to tell him it's over, when he already told you it was over by deleting the email account and ending all contact, months ago? Why tell him not to contact you again when he ISN'T contacting you and by all signals appears that he has no intent to ever do so in the future? Try to think about that in the reverse... if some man said that to you, after you had ended the relationship. Would you think "wow, now I've lost my upper hand!?" No... you would think "Clearly this person is still hung up on me". I agree with the above poster. If you contact him now after months of not hearing from him by HIS decision, only to tell him it's over, you're going to accomplish the opposite of what you are trying to achieve. He will clearly know that you have indeed NOT moved on with your life and that you are still hoping for some contact from him (because it sounds like you are). As for wanting to be "meaner" to him, I do understand anger. It's best to do it in the form of a letter that you never send to him. You wrote a respectable message to him via the forum, wishing him well. That is the most "upper hand" you are going to get in this. If you contact him again, you will lose that. Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 (edited) I totally understand where you're coming from. It's the desire to say the right thing at the right time, and after everything has been said, you're still obsessing over what you could've/should've said better, differently etc. I get that. But be honest to yourself: You don't want closure, you want a reaction. And what I would like to add: 1) You shouldn't have said anything in the first place. The fact that he deleted his secret e-Mail acct speaks volumes, ie that he does not care/want any more contact. 2) If you're still obsessing, you're not over it. You say you're in a good place in your M, but apparently you're missing the attention from OM. If you send him another msg, the obsessive circle will continue, not end. Cut these thoughts OUT! Do it consciously. It requires work. Redirect your thoughts actively. Good luck! Edited July 30, 2011 by Minnie09 Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 There is nothing now...... over means finished and goodbye. Just let it be Gentlegirl Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 These days, I'm over him and am in a very happy place in my marriage. I would like to think that if he wrote me, I'd be strong enough to either not reply or tell him to back off. But I just keep wishing I had been "meaner", and now I'm even thinking of writing him again telling him that it's over and to not bother contacting me. On one hand it seems like a bad idea, but on the other, a part of me really wants to do it just so it will make me feel better and feel as though I get the upper hand and last word. Any advice??? Why in the world would you want to contact him to tell him to not contact you? He hasn't contacted you! Sounds like you are just fishing and you want him to contact you. You want to reach out to say "don't contact me" and are hoping he will say "why" and then you can tell him it's over. It already IS over! Leave it alone. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Seems to me your protesting a little bit to much---All I got out of your words was you, and him, and how your are pis*ed at him for cutting things off You never once mention your H---do you not care about your H----If you do you certainly wouldn't know it from your little message Why don't you just forget about your lover, and start putting your whole body, and soul into your mge. Just out of curiosity---how bad was your mge, that you had to get into an EA/PA---why didn't you spend all the time, that you spent with your lover, why wasn't that time spent on working on your mge---or doesn't your H. deserve to be the no. 1 focus in your life Link to post Share on other sites
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