Infidelity Board Attack

[Tenacity]

Oh the irony. How many boundaries did you cross going with a man you knew was married?

 

Did you read my previous post, or are you just humming loudly with your fingers in your ears while reading such?

 

MANY, MANY people here do NOT know that he is married when getting into it, or are fed lies about separation/unhappiness/intent to divorce and a HUGE amount of pursuit and attention and claims of love and wanting to be together.

 

No one here is denying responsibility of affair partners. I certainly don't deny my own. I blame myself, too. But it would be nice if the BS's could see beyond the mindset that it is ONLY the OW/OM's fault.

[bentnotbroken]

Did you read my previous post, or are you just humming loudly with your fingers in your ears while reading such?

 

MANY, MANY people here do NOT know that he is married when getting into it, or are fed lies about separation/unhappiness/intent to divorce and a HUGE amount of pursuit and attention and claims of love and wanting to be together.

 

No one here is denying responsibility of affair partners. I certainly don't deny my own. I blame myself, too. But it would be nice if the BS's could see beyond the mindset that it is ONLY the OW/OM's fault.

 

 

That generalization again. WE know that the WS is a shyt head. WE get it. Whether you knew he was married before is irrelevant if you found out and continued anyway. It is a moot point. It takes two people to build a relationship built on lies and the lives or others. If for one minute you believe that BS go on their merry little way...you are deluding yourself and deflecting the anger you feel at yourself. Whether they admit it or not, BS know their lives have changed and will never be the same. An affair doesn't just change the participants, it changes all who are touched by it.

For those BS who in your words can't see past the AP role, how exactly would them seeing beyond the role the AP change the nature of the role that the AP played? It won't.

[KR10N]

Why does it matter what these people (or BS's as you presume) think? It's not like some of the cheaters cared anyway.

[fellhard4u]

As a former OW, I can assure you that I was NOT pleased as punch in knowing that xMM was betraying his W. I did not want him to betray the BS, I wanted him to be honest with everyone and that includes BW and myself.

He knew that I was not interested in being someone's # 2.

 

Ok..........even if you weren't pleased or happy about it, you still went along with it since you participated, right? #2......again, even though you didn't want it that way, you were, right?

You're right, I was a willing participant in the A despite not wanting to be in that situation and I am not proud of it.

Did you cut him off, ignore him when he called? If you responded then you participated. Yes that behavior is sick but it's typical cake eater.

I did cut him off, ignored him etc. numerous times, but neither of us had appropriate boundaries in place.

 

 

Hope you don't mind if I question your post.

 

I don't mind you questioning my post at all. I am here to learn and gain insights from the different perspectives offered by the participants of this board.

[NoIDidn't]

OP, you came to this forum to find support for yourself, whether you are ending your affair or just wanting to speak to others going through similar things. My advice to you would be to focus on the reason you came to this site instead of getting caught up in dramas you'd be better off avoiding.

 

You'll find out pretty quickly who genuinely wants to help you in a healthy way by focusing on your needs, not on their own need to rack up points for their own point of view. I'll go first and tell you that I typically don't support having affairs, but I'm not going to judge you for your choice to continue an affair. If anything, I would hope to encourage you demand and command his/her respect instead of accepting whatever is given to you without question. I figure, if you're going to have an affair, make sure the bennies are greater than just great sex, an amazing connection, and tons of eventually broken promises (much like their wedding vows).

 

This site is full of personal biases. I just gave you mine. Don't let it get to you.

 

[reboot]

There are plenty of loathsome and disgusting people that don't participate in extramarital affairs.

[KathyM]

Here's a novel concept that I want to throw out there and see what you all think:

 

Knowingly participating in an extramarital affair, be it as the Married Person or the Other Person, is a loathsome, disgusting thing for anyone to do.

 

Yes?

 

No?

Yes. Let's call it for what it is, and not try to whitewash it or make excuses for it. It is a terribly destructive, dishonest, selfish act that destroys lives and families.

[KathyM]

There are plenty of loathsome and disgusting people that don't participate in extramarital affairs.

True, but that doesn't make it any less loathsome.

[reboot]

And there are lots of terribly destructive, dishonest, selfish acts that destroy lives and families that don't involve cheating.

[KathyM]

And there are lots of terribly destructive, dishonest, selfish acts that destroy lives and families that don't involve cheating.

True. Doesn't make an affair any less loathsome or destructive.

[rafallus]

And there are lots of terribly destructive, dishonest, selfish acts that destroy lives and families that don't involve cheating.

 

It's like saying: rape is no big deal, because murder is worse.

[reboot]

Does the fact that I never cheated on my wife make me a good person? Does the fact that she cheated on me make her a bad person? Seriously? Are some of you really that naive?

[reboot]

It's like saying: rape is no big deal, because murder is worse.

 

No it isn't. Cheating is neither rape nor murder. Some of you need to move to the Middle East so you can stone people to death for cheating. A lot of you would gleefully participate.

[Silly_Girl]

Here's a novel concept that I want to throw out there and see what you all think:

 

Knowingly participating in an extramarital affair, be it as the Married Person or the Other Person, is a loathsome, disgusting thing for anyone to do.

 

Yes?

 

No?

 

Sometimes yes; sometimes no.

 

But the value, worth or goodness of a person sure does not solely lie on whether they are able to remain faithful to their spouse.

[Summer Breeze]

I make the distinction between the woman who is unknowingly made a party to an affair. She is an inocent party that has been victimized just like the wife is victimized--by a selfish man who uses women. If an OW is told the guy is single or divorced or separated and she gets into an affair that is based on lies to her, then there is no one to blame but the MM for what he is doing to these women. But women who know the man is married, and either pursue him or allow themselves to get into an affair knowing full well that he is married and still with his wife, then she is also to blame and cannot be put into the victim role.

 

And many who post here do not put themselves into the victim role. The vast majority don't as a matter of fact. Most may be hurt but they were in love with someone. They aren't allowed to hurt and to vent? They aren't allowed to answer questions honestly? Not everyone goes into it in some great aligning against the BS. I didn't. The OW in my own xHs A didn't. He chose to cheat and she fell in love-if he hadn't cheated she wouldn't exist. What on earth did his cheating have to do with her? Nothing. My xMM chose to cheat and I wasn't an partner in crime against the BS. I was in love with a man and enjoying and sustaining a R with him. To me she had no significance until dday. Sorry but he cheated on her not me. No matter how you cut anything IF THE WS DID NOT CHEAT THERE WOULD BE NO INFIDELITY. I understand it's easier to portion out the blame to anyone but the person you love. My xH broke my heart and I struggled with it for years but it was HIM who did it, not anyone else on this planet.

 

Then they are "partners in crime" against the BS, and it is only the BS that is the injured party in that scenario. I don't know the contents of the thread being discussed as the subject here, nor did I post on it. I don't go into specific forums and I just read the new posts board on the general board. But I did want to respond to this topic, because I can see how it would be odd for an OW, who knowingly gets into an affair with a MM, and then complains how she was treated by him, just seems rather ridiculous to me. The OW volunteered for the position. She inserted herself into that triangle. She really has no right to complain about it at this point.

 

So we can't complain about how we're treated? If that's the case then I want all BS to stop complaining about triggers and bad days and anything else because when they get back with their WS they know exactly what they're getting themselves into.

 

Good for the goose and good for the gander.

 

I've been waiting for Tony to shut that thread down. I'm mortified he's actually allowed attacks to go on that way but there you go. I've started a hundred responses over there but in all fairness most of the people over there, for whatever reasons, are not here to discuss and counsel and help. Many are here to judge and find someone to blame in place of their own OP. I hate thinking that my xH betrayed me. The one person in the world that was supposed to be there and never do that to me. The one who promised he wouldn't. I do believe if I'd allowed myself to partially blame the OW I may have allowed myself to try and reconcile. She didn't deserve any. It was all him.

 

After saying all of that I wish to say one thing. I do NOT want BS to not come in and vent and talk and get things off their chest. I said that to show that everyone makes choices and we often don't see every eventuality.

[reboot]

Good people do not cheat. Period.

 

Good people look for the good in other people. Good people don't spend all their time biting and scratching and clawing the eyes out of everyone they come in contact with. Good people don't spend all their spare time on internet message boards calling people names and insulting them and spitting in the face of everyone they disagree with. Good people are polite, and try to make the lives of others more pleasant.

 

It appears that maybe you don't qualify. Whether you've ever cheated or not.

[Summer Breeze]

Here's a novel concept that I want to throw out there and see what you all think:

 

Knowingly participating in an extramarital affair, be it as the Married Person or the Other Person, is a loathsome, disgusting thing for anyone to do.

 

Yes?

 

No?

 

Anyone cheating on their BS is doing something loathesome and disgusting. Who cares who they are doing it with? If it were 30 one night stands in 6 months is that better than having 6 months with 1 person? If it were 30 prostitutes would it be even worse? If it were 30 different people would the WS be blaming 30 different people and saying how loathesome and disgusting they are or would they be looking at their WS and saying YOU.

 

Sorry. I have very clear and distinct views of who is to blame in an A and it comes from watching dad cheat on mom and then my xH cheat on me. My thoughts were drawn many years before I was an OW.

 

IF THE WS DIDN'T CHEAT THERE WOULD BE NO INFIDELITY.

[KathyM]

Anyone cheating on their BS is doing something loathesome and disgusting. Who cares who they are doing it with? If it were 30 one night stands in 6 months is that better than having 6 months with 1 person? If it were 30 prostitutes would it be even worse? If it were 30 different people would the WS be blaming 30 different people and saying how loathesome and disgusting they are or would they be looking at their WS and saying YOU.

 

Sorry. I have very clear and distinct views of who is to blame in an A and it comes from watching dad cheat on mom and then my xH cheat on me. My thoughts were drawn many years before I was an OW.

 

IF THE WS DIDN'T CHEAT THERE WOULD BE NO INFIDELITY.

True, but by the same token, if there wasn't people willing to become involved romantically with a married person, there also wouldn't be any infidelity. Both parties are at fault, and both can take the blame.

[Summer Breeze]

This shows just how warped your thinking is. You actually think your H's affair partner's very existence was dependent on her f*cking him? That's just crazy.

 

Yes Einstein you're right. She was almost 40 at the time but obviously she didn't exist until they had the A. What are you talking about? If he hadn't have cheated there would have been no OW. Sorry, I should have put it in very simple terms at the start. For some reason I thought that was pretty evident in my post.

 

 

 

 

 

Would you at least admit her vagina had something to do with his cheating, even if you won't admit no other part of her had anything to do with it?

 

No I won't admit it. If he hadn't cheated there would have been no infidelity. It truly is that simple. If my xH hadn't had an A there would have been no OW and there would have been no betrayal. She was insignificant.

 

 

Yes you were. That's the part cheaters like you want to circumvent. No sale honey.

 

No I wasn't a partner in crime. You're keep screaming it out, go for it. It doesn't make it true. You haven't a clue what went on other than what I've put in posts and as blinkered as you are about anything said you don't like I'm sure you haven't bothered to read anything about my M or about my A. You can come right back now and tell me how they're all the same and blah blah blah. And everyone thinks married men have scripts.

 

 

Sorry sweetie but he was "taken." Hands off the goods. You had no more right to an "R" with him than you do to take all those sundry items off the shelves when you go shoplifting at Walmart without paying for them.

 

He was as taken as he allowed himself to be. He was married and that doesn't necessarily mean he was taken. If he was taken he wouldn't have been open to an A. The comparison of shoplifting. Get a new one. I didn't go running into his world and tuck him in a pocket and run away with him.

 

Surely you have at least half a brain and understand that stealing a 50 cent candy bar from Walmart is illegal because it's taking something that doesn't belong to you?

 

You don't steal another person.

 

Or maybe you don't.

 

Personal attacks. I have to smile when people have so little to fight with that they need to make these little digs. I've read enough of your posts to see that it's something you resort to quite often as well.

 

 

 

 

The epitome of "selfishness." Yes obviously she had no significance to you because you are such a self centered person that no one else has any existence to you.

 

Not in the least. I was fully aware of her existence and the R that she was in was with her H not me. She had no significance to me at all until dday. I knew from him that she was a good W and a good mother. He never said a bad word about her. In all honesty we had an R and that was what we focused on when we were together. You don't really think that a MM and an OW sit around talking about the BS any more than the BS and the WS talk about the OW once they're reconciling?

 

 

When he dumped his loads during his affair, wasn't it inside and onto your body? Seems to me when you're squatting down in an alleyway somewhere wiping his manjuice off your privates with a babywipe after one of your trysts it might suggest you have some degree of "responsibility" for what is going on. But then that's just me.

 

Oh and yet another very personal and derrogatory post. Goodness you must have used up all of your words by now.

 

We normally were in lovely hotels and never spent less than 3 or 4 nights together at a time. We spent evenings with his friends and family and some with mine as well. We did do the alley thing once but I didn't need a babywipe.

 

And no that still didn't make me the one cheating on her.

 

Well since you probably would have f*cked anything on two legs to take revenge on your h for cheating on you that's probably not true.

 

Oh and even more sweet words from the wordsmith. You'll be interested to know that I was in my mid 20s when my xH cheated on me and almost 50 when I was with xMM. I'd never so much as looked at a MM before that. So much for your theories.

 

And then you went right out and did the same thing to someone else.

 

No I fell in love with someone almost 25 years later. He was M and he chose to pursue and carry on an A. If he hadn't cheated there would have been no infidelity.

 

Nice.

 

 

You're such a charmer.

[Summer Breeze]

True, but by the same token, if there wasn't people willing to become involved romantically with a married person, there also wouldn't be any infidelity. Both parties are at fault, and both can take the blame.

 

What about the example I wrote in the middle of the post? You didn't respond about multiple 1NS or prostitutes? Are you going to blame everyone there? The common denominator to all cheating is a spouse who cheats. What does it matter who with?

[reboot]

Don't you realize you've described your own behavior?

 

My behavior has been as polite and well mannered as I could possibly be. I have called you no names, I have tried not to insult you, not always successfully, but at least always politely. I've disagreed with you, which of course, you can't stand.

 

 

You still haven't answered the simple question of whether you believe cheating is despicable and disgusting behavior. A simple "yes" or "no" would suffice but you can't even address the question.

 

The only pain I can compare discovering my wife had cheated on me to was the death of my mother. In some ways it was worse because it was death with no closure.

 

Yes, I find cheating despicable and disgusting for the pain it causes. No I don't think the cheaters themselves are necessarily despicable or disgusting. Some are, some aren't. We are all selfish at heart, and some of us take that too far. Some make terrible judgement calls. That doesn't mean they should be stoned to death or cast out of society.

[Steadfast]

It's so much easier to stay with a MM when you blame the OW for his actions...isn't it?

 

I like this. Even more, I appreciate you sharing for the benefit of others.

[rafallus]

No it isn't. Cheating is neither rape nor murder. Some of you need to move to the Middle East so you can stone people to death for cheating. A lot of you would gleefully participate.

 

Your logic (or lack thereof) baffles me.

 

First, you try to prove cheatinh as not wrong, because something else is wrong and isn't cheating. Which does anything but proves a point. For the record, what is right and what is wrong is a matter of individual conscience, so you cannot prove it either way. But keep in mind that regardless of what you do, you may face consequences. For example someone gets enraged and stabs you to death. Obviously that's an extreme example. But I hope my point was gotten across well enough.

 

Next, you try to group anyone who thinks cheating is wrong, as people who would have no problem killing others instead, indirectly saying everyone who thinks cheating is wrong is a hypocrite. Idiocy of this statement is pretty easy to see, if I were to create statement with matching idiocy, I would for example say that, like, "Everyone who doesn't have sex with people of other races is immediately racist".

 

I don't give a crap if you have harem of women, or if your wife made you nearly suicidal with repeated offenses. Everyone has their biases, and so do I. But I do have a problem with fallacies in your logic.

[cupshalfempty]

You know, we are human beings as well. Our actions aren't directly pointed @ the bs. I'm guessing your the type of person who thinks alcoholics don't deserve AA and should hopefully simply drink themselves to death. Since they are doing something so horrible to their family they definitley do NOT deserve a support group to help them through. They should NOT learn from others or look for anyone to lean on to find the strength to stop.

 

If you want to see loathsome, dispicable, uncaring, disgusting, I suggest you look in the mirror.

 

 

And ill be totally immature here...I'm gonna bet without even looking @ your other posts that your a bs...and I'm going to bet everyone here...and most probably irl, sympathize with your H. You...are a worse person than ill ever be. Cming to a support board and berating everyone on it looking for emotional support and strength from others. Yet your calling people name...pfft.

[rafallus]

But I hope my point was gotten across well enough.

 

Enraged spouse stabs a cheater or OM/OW in the heat of passion.

 

I'm not seeing any downside here.

 

Officially, I'm proven wrong.