no attraction to older h: stay or go or what?

[cascade]

I was 21 when I met my husband who was 48. We married when I was 24. Now we are 31 and 58. We have a 4 year old son. I did not marry my husband for money, as he didn’t even own a decent car or really have a place to live when I met him. He had been a life-long student and world traveler, was funny, kind, safe, and I felt a strong emotional connection to him. We had plenty of sex in the beginning few months, then it tapered off to maybe 1-2 times a month before we were married. We didn’t even have sex on our honeymoon, which didn’t bother me because I didn’t want it, and didn't think it was important for marriage. By that time, I wasn’t really attracted to him sexually, but I just thought that’s how things go in long term relationships. Since my son was born, we’ve probably done it 6 -10 times.

 

 

About a year and a half ago, I started to wake up and realize that while I got a lot of good things going in my life and marriage I just wasn’t satisfied. I found myself actually physically attracted to men my own age or a bit older. So I had an affair. Sex was amazing, of course. To summarize things quicker here, husband found out, is willing to forgive because he doesn’t want to break up our family, and now we are in MC. I love my husband, feel terrible for the damage I have caused the family, and don’t want to see him stress to death. A also agree that I probably should go to hell for my feelings and actions. However, one of the things he wants out of our marriage is more sex and affection and I don’t feel I can honestly give him that. If we are to stay married, I basically don’t want to sleep with him because I feel it would be just because we have to, not because I want to. I am so un-turned on by sex with him that after we do it, I go cry in the shower. I also want more sex, but to put it bluntly, I want it with someone else. Closer to my age. I feel I need to tell him this but I can’t find the words. Our sessions in MC have just focused on petty issues thus far, so it hasn’t helped with much. At this point I don’t know if I should stay in MC , not say anything about not being attracted to him, and put my desires and feelings aside for the sake of my husband’s happiness and the cohesion of our family or separate. I feel really pulled toward keeping the family together. My husband is aging, has very little retirement saved and will need someone to take care of him. Even though I probably didn’t fully know the scope of the commitment I was making when I married him, that is the choice I made so I should try to honor it, even if it means being fake to him and to myself. I guess a good start would be just to tell him how I feel but I don’t know how without hurting him. Suggestions?

[anne1707]

You already know what you have to do but are understandably scared of the possible conflict and heartache that is bound to occur. If you are so unhappy and not at all attracted to him then you are living a lie by staying married to him. You need to tell him that it is not working for you now and, from the sounds of things, it is over for you.

 

I can understand that you are feeling responsibilities for him but you are supposed to be husband and wife - a life without love and sex together is no marriage. You also need to consider that you are 31 now and he is 58 - in 10 years time when he is approaching seventy, you will still be a young woman. You are going to end up resenting him as he ages. You are both at very different stages in life and the age gap is too much for this to work for you. It will only get worse.

 

Surely you can see it is better to separate now so that you can both move on with your lives. After all, this is not just about you finding someone who you truly love. How about your H finding someone who truly loves him. You both deserve better than your current marriage.

 

Also consider your son. It is better for him to have two parents who are happily separated/divorced rather than seeing his parents miserable together.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

He was 48 and you were 21. He knew exactly what he was getting and and took advantage of a young naive girl. You don't mention your family, who I bet you are estranged from or not close to and only saw your H as a daddy figure.

 

Cut it off now and live your life and ensure you provide and do what's best for your child.

 

I'm 48 and if I showed up with a 21 yo, I can only imagine the pathetic comments people would make.

[Lucky_One]

Do you feel any sort of physical fondness/affection for him? Like, are you ok holding hands, sitting beside him on the sofa, giving quick kisses hello and good-bye?

 

I can certainly see a marriage that stays together out of love and affection, IF you are able to show your child that you do love each other and can show each other physical affection. If you can't bear to touch him or have him touch you, then you are not teaching your son much about adult relationships. (And I definitely differentiate between shows of affection and sex- as I don't show the public or my family my sexual activity, but I DO show my feelings for my H through affectionate interaction while we are in public.)

 

And if you both are still love each other and want to stay together, and if you are content and on board with the fact that you will likely be widowed as a young-ish woman AFTER possibly taking care of him physically for a number of years, then I would be frank with him, and tell him exactly how you feel. That you do not want a sexual relationship with him, but that you love him and want to keep your family together and take care of each other.

 

And see what happens after that. You two may decide to divorce, you may decide to have a DA,DT relationship where you both can seek discrete sexual partners, who knows? But you need to decide first of all if you can live with him until one of you dies, while modeling a loving relationship for your son.

[Holding-On]

Truly you would do him a greater service by letting him go sooner rather than later. At 58, and male, he is MUCH more likely to find someone than if you wait until he is 65 or 70.

 

The other thing to address is that his failure to plan for his retirement IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. He is an ADULT. He CHOSE to be a long term poor student and enjoy that INSTEAD.

 

Truthfully, if he is cool enough to reel in a woman less than half his age just ten years ago, I think he'll probably end up on his feet okay. Especially if he finds some established sugar momma who has better chemistry with him or wants a near sexless existance.

 

Please let your affair be a wake up call to you. If you want to act ethically be honest with yourself and then with him. You can continue to be great co-parents. You may find you can handle an open marriage. You can't continue to have sucky sex with someone that makes you physically ill. That is not fair to him and not fair to yourself.

[Turtles]

He was 48 and you were 21. He knew exactly what he was getting and and took advantage of a young naive girl. You don't mention your family, who I bet you are estranged from or not close to and only saw your H as a daddy figure.

 

Cut it off now and live your life and ensure you provide and do what's best for your child.

 

I'm 48 and if I showed up with a 21 yo, I can only imagine the pathetic comments people would make.

 

 

Lots of truth in that... He knew, or should have known based on his experience, what he was getting into. You can't, at 21, comprehend what "married for life" means. He should have acted like the mature adult and put an end to it. You're taking responsibility for his mistake. Not that you don't carry part of it of course, but he is still the one who took advantage of your inexperience. Maybe there should be an age difference limit to marriages.

 

I don't know what the honorable solution is, but I know you can't be carrying all the blame. If you have the means, maybe divorce him and offer to pay alimony for x years (until he gets social security to take over - if it still exists)

[KathyM]

I was 21 when I met my husband who was 48. We married when I was 24. Now we are 31 and 58. We have a 4 year old son. I did not marry my husband for money, as he didn’t even own a decent car or really have a place to live when I met him. He had been a life-long student and world traveler, was funny, kind, safe, and I felt a strong emotional connection to him. We had plenty of sex in the beginning few months, then it tapered off to maybe 1-2 times a month before we were married. We didn’t even have sex on our honeymoon, which didn’t bother me because I didn’t want it, and didn't think it was important for marriage. By that time, I wasn’t really attracted to him sexually, but I just thought that’s how things go in long term relationships. Since my son was born, we’ve probably done it 6 -10 times.

 

 

About a year and a half ago, I started to wake up and realize that while I got a lot of good things going in my life and marriage I just wasn’t satisfied. I found myself actually physically attracted to men my own age or a bit older. So I had an affair. Sex was amazing, of course. To summarize things quicker here, husband found out, is willing to forgive because he doesn’t want to break up our family, and now we are in MC. I love my husband, feel terrible for the damage I have caused the family, and don’t want to see him stress to death. A also agree that I probably should go to hell for my feelings and actions. However, one of the things he wants out of our marriage is more sex and affection and I don’t feel I can honestly give him that. If we are to stay married, I basically don’t want to sleep with him because I feel it would be just because we have to, not because I want to. I am so un-turned on by sex with him that after we do it, I go cry in the shower. I also want more sex, but to put it bluntly, I want it with someone else. Closer to my age. I feel I need to tell him this but I can’t find the words. Our sessions in MC have just focused on petty issues thus far, so it hasn’t helped with much. At this point I don’t know if I should stay in MC , not say anything about not being attracted to him, and put my desires and feelings aside for the sake of my husband’s happiness and the cohesion of our family or separate. I feel really pulled toward keeping the family together. My husband is aging, has very little retirement saved and will need someone to take care of him. Even though I probably didn’t fully know the scope of the commitment I was making when I married him, that is the choice I made so I should try to honor it, even if it means being fake to him and to myself. I guess a good start would be just to tell him how I feel but I don’t know how without hurting him. Suggestions?

Tell the marriage counselor how you feel. Let her help you to figure out what to do. Go to a counseling session with her alone to discuss your feelings about this. You owe it to your son to try to make the marriage work. This scenario happens so much of the time when a young girl gets involved with an older man. He may seem attractive at the start, but as time goes on, the age difference becomes too much to deal with in so many ways.