. i want to hold on to a happy family

[blurr]

We have been married for about 10 years now. We rarely had big fights, sometimes a few cold wars just like ordinary couples. I came from a family background which has no family bonding. As such you can say I grew up not really in a loving environment. My wife however is the opposite, she grew up in a family full of bonding and loving. We have 2 lovely daughters whom we both love very much. Recently about a year back, our relationship started to turn sour, to be honest till then I have no clue the root cause . We started to talk lesser and finally dipped into cold war. This went on till 6 months later she started to sleep in another bedroom. I regreted so much why I can let that happened and did not took the courage to ask or talk to her why she did that. What was in my mind was ego and frustrations , wondering why she suddenly behaved that way and turning away from me suddenly. having spoken to few friends, I came to realize this was the biggest mistake I have made. It lasted till last month when she finally broke the silence. And it was only then she expressed her emotion and feelings to me. In summary is she felt that she is always the one doing the initiative and thru so many years, she finally has given up. It was that 6 months break which she felt so hurt about our relationship. Now she wanted to end our relationship. I have never felt so remorse in my life. I beginning to understand and felt what she has gone thru. I can only blame myself for being such a insensitive person and unable to pick up hints about her emotion. I am feeling very lost now. I do care and love my wife all along, its just that I am that kind of person who is an idiot when comes to expression. Blaming my brought up seems to be an excuse now. We still talk now but she only returns short phases, and mostly children matters. She mentioned thru this 6 months she has learned to be independent and became very self sufficient. She said her feelings for me has also changed and that's the reason she wanted to end this and move on.

I do hope to get some advise thru this thread because I have little friends to confine to. I still love my wife and children very much and cannot bare to loss them.

[blue_ikat]

Have you told her that you truly, really love her and don't want to lose her? Sometimes when people finally let their emotions out, they feel 'overexposed' and withdraw again. She may just need some time to come back to you. But you need to tell her that you want this to work.

 

 

You know the root cause. She told you she feels like she has to take all the initiative. So, take initiative yourself. Take this post, edit it, and show it to her. It seems like what you wrote here is "I love her so much, I couldn't imagine life without her, so I didn't realize that she was unhappy". Don't say you're the kind of person who can't express emotions- say (and be) the kind of person who *learns* to express emotions. Then find a relationship counselor to help you do that.

[tblucky]

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. I think you've crossed the biggest hurdle which is acknowledging the root cause.

 

I think the next step is to tell her everything you've said here and communicate openly with her how much you love her and want her back. Ask her to give you another chance so you two can work on rebuilding the relationship. Demonstrate through action that you're sincere about this. Hopefully there is enough love from everything you've been through together that you two can overcome this.

 

It will probably be very hard for her to open up to you but even if she only gives you a small window, seize every opportunity you have and be patient!

[Orianne]

It sounds like your wife made the one mistake that a lot of women make--they assume their husbands know what's bothering them.

 

I'm not sure what course of action would be best--I agree with the other posters that you should take some initiative. Though, beyond that, I'm not sure what sort of approach you should take.

 

Because your wife withdrew the way she did, I think it's a safe be to say that she felt like her emotional needs weren't being met. I'd probably start by telling her how you feel, but make sure you don't beg or anything, because that's a huge turn off.

[quankanne]

the longer you stay married, the more you'll come to understand that your marriage is a living, breathing thing you're gonna have to feed physically and emotionally and sexually. You can't just say, "Okay, I'll marry this person and we live happily ever after." It doesn't work that way, and you're seeing proof of this as we speak.

 

you also need to understand that your marriage reinvents itself every 5-6 years, and there will be times you can't stand that person because they refuse to read your mind and cater to your needs. There will also be times that you will be tighter than siamese twins because the relationship grooves that well. The trick is to learn how to make your marriage something that BOTH of you are good living with, and that takes effort 24/7.

 

get your butt to couples counseling – a marriage enrichment retreat, programs like Marriage Builders, anything that focuses on y'alls needs as a partnership – so that you can get the tools you need to better communicate with each other. I also highly recommend Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages," which show the different styles people show their love. No one way is the right way, but it's easy to use your own personal style as the bar your partner has to jump ... when you figure out your love style and hers, you begin to look past the "I" stage and start focusing on the "we" aspect of being a couple.

 

I suspect your wife is fed up because she can't easily put into words your love style and because it's not what hers is, she feels like she's getting the short end of the stick.

 

a personal note: My husband and I did a marriage enrichment weekend through my church and even though he was originally a bit skeptical, he now tells everyone that it's the best thing we ever did for our marriage. For him – a three-times married guy – it was realizing that my personal belief in marriage as a true sacrament meant sticking it out because the love was the most important thing, and for me, it was learning to be patient. The love languages book I read a few years back, and it was like a lightbulb coming on. He loves me the best way he knows how, and even though it's not my personal love style, it matters because it's whole-hearted.

 

think of this as a wake up call, and focus on the things that you have in common to rebuilt your relationship into something satisfying. More importantly, don't lapse into the habit of letting her be the one who is more vocal or more demonstrative in her love, but keep showing her what you do feel for her. I promise, you won't be disappointed.

 

good luck, buddy, and keep us posted

[Lisa_H]

This happens so many times in marriages. It is easy to let it all slip, thinking everything is fine and then one day wake up and realize it has all fallen apart.

 

Good for you - You have taken responsibility and you are trying to make this right! Your wife also has to take some responsibility in the fact that she didn't open up to you.

 

Communication is the foundation of a happy, healthy marriage. Talking and having fun together takes work when you have the children, house, work, bills etc. It is so easy to grow apart and put your marriage on the back burner.

 

Is she willing to go out with you? Try having just some good old FUN! Don't talk about the relationship, feelings, what happened, who is to blame....put all that in the back of your mind, just for ONE night.

 

Go out, have fun, laugh, reconnect. It is important to get some positive cycle going on in your marriage before you try to tackle the big problems. Connect again on some level.

 

Keep us updated and I wish you the best.

[KathyM]

We have been married for about 10 years now. We rarely had big fights, sometimes a few cold wars just like ordinary couples. I came from a family background which has no family bonding. As such you can say I grew up not really in a loving environment. My wife however is the opposite, she grew up in a family full of bonding and loving. We have 2 lovely daughters whom we both love very much. Recently about a year back, our relationship started to turn sour, to be honest till then I have no clue the root cause . We started to talk lesser and finally dipped into cold war. This went on till 6 months later she started to sleep in another bedroom. I regreted so much why I can let that happened and did not took the courage to ask or talk to her why she did that. What was in my mind was ego and frustrations , wondering why she suddenly behaved that way and turning away from me suddenly. having spoken to few friends, I came to realize this was the biggest mistake I have made. It lasted till last month when she finally broke the silence. And it was only then she expressed her emotion and feelings to me. In summary is she felt that she is always the one doing the initiative and thru so many years, she finally has given up. It was that 6 months break which she felt so hurt about our relationship. Now she wanted to end our relationship. I have never felt so remorse in my life. I beginning to understand and felt what she has gone thru. I can only blame myself for being such a insensitive person and unable to pick up hints about her emotion. I am feeling very lost now. I do care and love my wife all along, its just that I am that kind of person who is an idiot when comes to expression. Blaming my brought up seems to be an excuse now. We still talk now but she only returns short phases, and mostly children matters. She mentioned thru this 6 months she has learned to be independent and became very self sufficient. She said her feelings for me has also changed and that's the reason she wanted to end this and move on.

I do hope to get some advise thru this thread because I have little friends to confine to. I still love my wife and children very much and cannot bare to loss them.

I suggest you go to her immediately and tell her how sorry you are that you've allowed the marriage to deteriorate, and how much you want your family to stay together. Tell her you are sorry you have not reached out to her or been the husband that she needed, but that you want to make every effort now to be that husband that she needs. Tell her that you love her and would be heartbroken if you lost her. Tell her you will do anything to make it up to her, and ask her to give you another chance to prove you can be what she wants in a husband. Suggest that you go to marriage counseling to work on whatever problems you have. Don't use your past childhood as an excuse for your behavior in your marriage. You need to try to convince her of your strong desire to change and assure her of how much you love her and don't want to lose her. That might break the ice and convince her to try to make the marriage work. Hopefully, it's not too late.