I love you but I don't like you

[itllgetbetter]

Would especially like to hear from those who responed to "Wife is no longer in love with me" by jtsobo, and in particular, shatteredreality as I'm interested in reconciling rather than ending the M, although ball's not in my court.

 

I’ve been married 11 years and together for 15 years with my H. We don’t have kids. H moved out at the end of May.

 

H began having an EA with a client in Oct. He told me prior to that it was “obvious” OW was having an A with a MM at her office who has 2 kids. I met OW at a business dinner my H had and she was there with her boyfriend and was flirting with my H. That night, I told him her behavior was inappropriate and it begs the question if she behaves that way when me and her BF are there, how does she behave when we’re not thereHe’s going through a midlife crisis but was offended when I said that.

 

In Jan., my H admitted to being attracted to her and asked how he stops being attracted to her. I suggested MC and his response was that “it only has a 50/50 success rate”.

 

In May, H said:

 

a) He wants to move out of the house and he’s been thinking of that for a while as he “needs a break”;

b) We have nothing in common. I explained to him that we’re both in the same profession, we like travelling, movies, etc.

c) We don’t have “fun” together. I explained to him that we have tickets for 3 events that he wanted to go to and two vacations scheduled. Response: “Do we need to spend a lot of money or have a 3rd party entertain us?”

d) I complain too much and talk about work too much. That’s correct and he’s raised this issue previously over the years. Since Jan., I made it a point to stop both. However, he says it was too little too late and now it may be easier either be alone or start with someone new.

e) He said that he loves me but doesn't "like" me and that I killed the love he had for me.

 

At the end of May, he left to visit his mom out of town but called me while he was away 1-2 x /day. I told him that when he comes back he needs to decide whether he WANTS to be at home or not because we can’t live like we’d been living since Oct. Next day he said he’s rented a hotel for 2 weeks until he finds another place for a longer period.

 

Picked him up at airport and he says he wants to stay in the house. I say he needs to honor and cherish me and treat me the way a H is supposed to treat his W. Honor and cherish were in our wedding vows. He thought it was “arrogant” of me to feel that way, although I’d explained that’s the way I’d treat him. H calls from hotel next morning saying he wants to come home. I said that he only booked hotel for 2 weeks that perhaps he should stay for that period and clear his head and if he wants to come back after 2 weeks to work things out, that’s what I’d like.

 

He calls me once a week. He said I’m handling the separation better than he is as I’ve got friends and family. He says he misses me, he’s lonely, he has no friends (true) or family (H’s mom and dad are out of town and his brother only calls when he wants $) and I’m living in the “nice house”. Response: “you’re the one who left the nice house. You can come home and we’ll work on things whenever you want”.

 

He’s spent the night twice at the house since he’s moved out and we’ve had thoughtful discussions on our situation, as well as an enjoyable time together.

 

Two weeks ago I asked if he’d like to come by for dinner and pick up his mail, and he said “no. It’s too upsetting to come home.”

 

The condo he’s rented is likely in the same bldg or within 1 block as OW’s, although when I asked him if this was the case, he said he didn’t know where she lived. H says he only talks to OW during business hours from his office and hasn’t seen her in a month.

 

A few weeks ago he said M was over. Next day he called and was very nice and said he “didn’t know” if M was over.

 

Any advice on how to proceed?

Edited July 30, 2011 by itllgetbetter
formatting

[andyg99]

take charge of your life - he's kept you on the fence long enough... sounds like he has someone on the side... you're the backup plan

[Minnie09]

IME, the appearance of OW in his life does have an influence on his attitude shift towards your M. That's very likely not a coincidence.

 

What I see is a man who is in limbo, waiting to find out what the OW wants, hoping she'll choose a relationship/future with him. He's very likely infatuated with her, or in love, or at least he thinks the GIGS.

You can of course not confront him with that, because he will deny it and come back to the ridiculous speech he has already given you (no fun together, nothing in common, blahblah - yawn). So unfortunately (if what I'm assuming is correct) it's you who will have to make a decision. He won't unless OW makes one.

 

Don't wait for that. Don't be second best to your own H. Don't let that happen!

[itllgetbetter]

Thanks Andy. I've read on this site that you shouldn't make someone a priority who only views you as an option.

 

If this was someone I was dating, it'd be over. However, it's an 11 year marriage, which is why I'm working at it. If things don't work out in the end, I want to be able to say I did everything to make it work.

[andyg99]

Thanks Andy. I've read on this site that you shouldn't make someone a priority who only views you as an option.

 

If this was someone I was dating, it'd be over. However, it's an 11 year marriage, which is why I'm working at it. If things don't work out in the end, I want to be able to say I did everything to make it work.

 

yes an 11 year marriage is different than a dating situation... but like I said YOU NEED TO TAKE CHARGE! he's BSing you about the OW, cheaters never admit it.... he needs a break? from what? you? life? boo hoo, cry me a freakin river, he doesn't need a break he needs to act like a man and be honest with you... unless he agrees right now to get his ass home and get into marriage counseling and admit EVERYTHING you need to start looking into a life without him. See a lawyer and get the ball rolling... when we take charge we take back our life, he has no respect for you now and when he finds out what you are doing then he can choose if he wants to act like a man and step up to the plate - if he doesn't then at least you are in the process of already moving on...

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this....

[itllgetbetter]

Minnie: My husband assures me that we had difficulties before OW and that she isn't the cause of this current situation. Since I'm not a complete idiot (only a doormat!), I didn't buy it. In fact, last July we were walking hand in hand and he asked if everyone who's been married 10 years is as happy as we were - ie - we were both really happy.

 

I think he may be in love with the OW although I'm certain that as of the end of May, he hadn't had sex with her.

 

Crazy thing is, my husband's REALLY intelligent (this current situation aside). In fact, he's laughed about people we know who find themselves in this situation and commented: "women are trouble - who needs a mistress - one woman's enough". Of course, in his mind, he's told me he's not happy and moved out of the house and apparenty that makes it okay.

 

I discussed with him her various relationships with men that he's aware of back in early June when he called once and said "if she does it with you, she'll do it to you." He, in a very sad tone, said "and she'll probably dump me too one day." To which I said: "And this is what you're willing to throw away your M for?"

 

What's GIGS?

[carhill]

Any advice on how to proceed?

Accept the circumstances, serve him and see where it goes. Someone who has actively moved into another domicile and is demonstrably with or pursuing someone else is taking a billboard out that the M is done.

 

Your bullet points are a classical marital re-write; a cognitive rationalization of the choices his emotions and libido made. Accept it as his perspective. His truth.

 

If you filed for divorce on Monday and requested mediation to settle your marital estate, what is the worst possible thing which could happen?

 

What's GIGS?

 

Grass is Greener Syndrome

 

Search this site for user "homebrew" for excellent perspective on GIGS

[Minnie09]

It doesn't matter if they already had sex or not. Waiting for "it" to happen will make the EA even more interesting.

 

I can't believe he's telling you about it, though, including his worries that if he gets involved with her, she'll hurt him. Helloooo? Please start standing your ground and take initiative. Now is the time!

[itllgetbetter]

Andy: re needing a break: H's self-employed and works longer hours than I, although I work full-time. H did exactly 2-3 min's of chores a day. I did everything else at home and helped with his business - too long a list for me to itemize but suffice it to say, life at home was obviously too easy for him.

 

I got legal advice when he was out of town.

 

I'm moving on with my life in the sense that I'm not sitting around at home and am keeping busy. I'm not

 

 

Carhill: Worst that'll happen is that M will DEFINITELY be over. He said a few weeks back that he's the one that's in control and it's his decision whether or not he moves back. I didn't want to make matters worse so I didn't explain to him that I now have some very serious trust issues, etc.

 

I'm not sure that he's "with" the OW since he calls weekly (ah, so kind of a H!!!), although it was previously "I miss you and I'm lonely" and now it's generally "I'm lonely". As well, he called me the other day and when the conversation deteriorated into a disagreement, he later called and left a vm apologizing for his reaction to essentially me standing up for myself and providing him with accurate facts about a situation. He then called the following morning to ensure that I got the vm. My take on this: he's ensuring I remain as the Plan B but obviously I don't want him to come back if the only reason for doing so is because things didn't work out with OW.

 

I'm hoping that eventually, in the not too distant future, he'll give his head a shake and realize what a mistake he's made and want to rectify matters

 

Minnie: I thought I was standing my ground by not calling him and telling him that in order for him to come back, he needs to honor and cherish me. If taking initiative means to call it quits, I don't want to do that yet.

 

Finally, the one good thing that's come of this is the weight loss - I haven't been this weight in years (I wasn't big to begin with but have lost around 10 lbs). I've now learned this is called the "divorce diet". It's VERY effective!

[Minnie09]

Well, what's your alternative to calling it quits? It's waiting around. You don't want the M to be over, however, he has moved out and is in touch with OW. Inappropriate relationship. Disrespecting you and his M.

 

I would give him an ultimatum, then file for D if he hasn't made up his mind and recommitted to the M. It doesn't mean ther WILL be a D. But it will wake him up and force him to rethink things. Right now, he doesnt know what real consequences feel like.

[itllgetbetter]

I think he's feeling SOME consequences in that he's having to do day-to-day chores that I used to do, which he's rarely/ever done. For example, he commented the other day that it feels like all he does is fold laundry. He's having a service prepare his meals (some diet - I didn't mention that he's also lost lots of weight and has a personal trainer and wanted to get his teeth whitened, further evidence of the midlife crisis) and he's used to home cooked meals, which is one of the things that attracted him to me as his mom rarely cooked.

 

Re the divorce: in my jurisdiction, you can't file for D for at least one year after being separated unless you can prove adultry, and since he's renting a separate apt. than the OW, it'd be difficult to prove adultry.

 

I competely agree with you re the "Inappropriate relationship. Disrespecting (me) and his M. In fact, I sometimes give MY head a shake and wonder how it is I'm in this situation - not that I'm perfect - but this is NOT something that I ever thought would happen to me, except from Oct. onwards when it was clear he was interested in the OW - which he's said is my fault since, if we'd had a good M, he wouldn't have done this.

 

His dad's (he's divorced and verbally abused his wife and kids; his wife left him because of the abuse - clearly he's in an excellent position to give advice) brilliant question to him was: "which came first, the bad M and then the OW, or, the OW and then the bad M"?" I very calmly explained to my H that even if it's the case that things weren't going well in the M, there are other solutions to being attracted to OW.

 

I'm waiting it out until Oct., at which time, if he hasn't made any effort on our relationship (and it appears as if he hasn't - for example, I bought the book "the five love languages" for myself and also got him a copy - he's read all of about 2 chapters of it), it'll be clear that I need to move the dissolution of the M along.

 

But, as I've said before, I'm not sitting around doing nothing - friends and family have been VERY supportive of this situation and are also trying to ensure that I'm kept busy. I've also had 4-5 men ask me out but don't have any desire whatsoever to go on a date.

[carhill]

You can choose to cease prosecution/pursuit of the lawsuit at any time. Having finished up an 18 month long D process late last year, there's plenty of time and plenty of opportunities to reconcile if *both* parties are willing, available and healthy. Right now that isn't a feature of your situation. Is that permanent? Unknown.

 

IMO, it's healthier to be proactive.

 

Examples:

 

Instead of 'If you don't xxx and xxx, I'm going to divorce you', rather 'I feel xxx and xxx and I'm going to file for divorce', then do it. Be proactive.

 

His statement that 'he's in control', right now, is accurate. He cares the least and has the most power and control. Additionally, that he would say that straight to your face indicates arrogance about that level of power and control. I often have heard from women that 'he's bluffing' or 'he doesn't mean it'. That's possible. In my own M, when I said I was done, I was done. Your H has his own path, as do you.

 

Hopefully this discussion has been helpful and you can make a decision you feel positive about. Best wishes and my sympathies.

 

Edited to add, if you cannot formally file for divorce, formalize your separation legally with a contract of separation which unmistakably starts the year clock running. Leave no ambiguity.

Edited July 30, 2011 by carhill

[itllgetbetter]

Was at my brother's this evening for dinner. As I was leaving, my 5 yr old niece gave me two kisses and said to "give one to Uncle XX". I said "of course". She doesn't know about the separation.

 

I quickly left the house, got in the car and burst into tears. Then I had the what LS members will likely think is a less than brilliant idea to invite my H to a bbq that my brother's having tomorrow late afternoon, the reason being that a few weeks ago, he knew about a bday party for a family member (e-mail circulation list and sender didn't know about the separation - I subsequently asked that my H be removed from the circulation list) and when I asked if he'd like to come, he asked if my niece was going; I said she wasn't as my brother's family was going to be out of town. I was thinking that PERHAPS if my H saw what he was missing, and him feeling like he doesn't have a family, he might be touched by it.

 

BUT, I've been reading "the grass is greener" by "homebrew" that carhill recommended (thanks btw for that) and it states: "If the dumpee does completely exit the dumpers life and resist the temptation to remain friends, the chance that the opportunity for reconciliation will arise is actually quite good." So, that means I shouldn't contact him for tomorrow's bbq.

 

Carhill & Minnie: Some of my friends are of the opinion that I should begin divorce proceedings.

 

I'm also not pushing for a divorce at the moment because back in mid-June, I said something about his "timeline," which expires in Oct. His response was "if you want a decision NOW on whether I'm moving back to the house, the decision's "no."" Apparently though, (if I just sit and wait - that's the way I picture it), he may decide to move back. The control comment to me perhaps reflected his anger that I was the one didn't want him home if he wasn't going to respect me. Which, btw, I'd appreciate members letting me know if I should have agreed that he stay home when he said he didn't want to leave. I'm torn between it's easier to fix things from under one roof and if he really wanted to be home, two weeks would have confirmed that.

 

When I suggested to him in mid June that we split our cash based on the separation date, he was surprised, but quickly recovered, and said "that's a good idea", as if he had no problem with it. As well, I asked him to get his own credit card, and he didn't understand why that was necessary (but as I've explained previously, all our money's held jointly, so, it wasn't as if he was racking up bills on my credit card).

 

I have an aunt who's been a psychiatrist for over 30 years. I was having dinner with her a few weeks back and she said that she's currently treating four women who left their H's for OM. One wanted to go back to H within about 6-8 mths but H had moved on. My aunt commented that in all her years of experience, she's never seen the dumper ultimately be happier than s/he was with their former spouse.

 

Re the arrogance: he'd always been a very humble man until late 2010 when his business did very well. Since then, I've frequently been surprised by his arrogance.

 

There'd be no ambiguity about the date of separation since there's a hotel invoice for the date.

[trippi1432]

Hi - was reading your story and sorry for what you are going through right now. It's good that you have an aunt like that who can offer you some good advice as well. Mid-life crisis are hard to go through with someone...it's sort of like riding a big limbo roller-coaster. This article from Divorce Busting may give you some insightful advice as well. http://www.divorcebusting.com/blog/surviving-your-husbands-midlife-crisis/

 

I would say if he is a good man and there were little problems in the first 10 years then it would be worth it to try and salvage the marriage. In my case, there were way too many issues to be resolved before he said, pretty much, all the things your husband said to you.

 

The best advice I can give you is to not take on all the blame for what your husband is going through, it has more to do with his own unhappiness with himself than it does you or the marriage. He will most likely say and do things that are totally out of character, but that is not a reflection on you..it is a reflection of his general unhappiness that life is passing him by.

 

Good luck and try to stay sane through it all. {{{Hugs}}}

[itllgetbetter]

trippi: Thanks for recommending the article on a mid-life crisis - it was very informative. I'm concerned about the author's comment that it can take anywhere from months to years to resolve. I've committed thus far to being in limbo (but not sitting around the house waiting for the phone to ring!) until October but under no circumstances can I continue the current situation for years. I mentioned in my first post that when I said to my H that he's going through a mid-life crisis, he got VERY defensive and denied it.

 

Interestingly, the author also states that a BS shouldn't make demands.

 

Re not taking the blame: My H's blaming me for this situation. In addition, there've been a number of instances when he describes something incorrectly and when I've pointed out accurate facts to him, he either makes a lame excuse (such as item © of my initial post), or misinterprets past events (a REALLY insignificant example which demonstrates this is when he said in June that I was letting myself go because "often" I'd have too much gray in my hair - "long gray streaks" is how he put it. I explained to him that that's not possible as I get my roots touched up every 2-3 weeks). However, at other times, I feel as if I am solely to blame.

 

Basically, I just listen as much as possible now since I know nothing I say will make a difference and in fact it has often led to him getting upset/angry.

 

On another note, I was at my brother's house this evening for a bbq (btw, I didn't call my H and invite him, which is something I was contemplating doing yesterday evening) and my niece said: "I miss Uncle XX." That was upsetting. She's not my child and I can't imagine how someone could walk out on their spouse & kids. Throughout the evening, I kept thinking he's missing out on a lot of fun times this summer, and perhaps a lifetime.

[itllgetbetter]

I'm mid-way through the thread "is there hope". At post no. 126, debtman states: "She's trying to push your buttons so that you will get upset and frustrated."

 

Why do they try to upset the BS? What's the purpose? Is it to alleviate the guilt of what they're doing? Anyone who has an answer, not necessarily debtman, can let me know. Thanks.

[trippi1432]

Sad to say, but yes...pushing your buttons is to alleviate their guilt, but also a way of gaining power. It helps to make you appear out of control and gives them validation of anything they are accusing you of or telling the AP or anyone else for that matter.

 

So how do you protect yourself? Know your hot buttons and refuse to play the game. When you recognize the denial, the gaslighting, the recreating the past events to be negatives, the lies and/or the accusations...disengage any way you can. Simply state, it is a pity you see it that way and hang up the phone, walk away, leave the scene. I hate to say it, but there is no reasoning with a person in this state of mind in mid-life crisis mode.

 

There is only one thing that my exH said during our demise that I totally agree with now, "Life is too short to be miserable"...and I add to that..."and be subjected to mental, verbal or emotional abuse. We all deserve better and to be treated better...and there are better people out there. Accept that this is his problem that he is wrestling with inside himself. Know that you loved the man he was, and it's okay to not like who he is now or what he is doing. Go through the healing emotions for yourself and do not give him power to place that blame on you that you do not deserve. Love yourself and make YOU the priority.

[AudentesFortuna]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. My wife gave me the same speech, same reasons for leaving. She too was having an EA. She is all moved in to her new studio and house is up for sale. I tried everything I could but it comes down to them and their willingness (or lack of it) to want to make it work. She was all "I'm done, I did all I could" and that was that.

 

Don't blame yourself. This is all about them. My wife too rewrote our marriage and even blames me for a bunch of things. Don't buy into that. It's all a reflection on them and their own feelings and insecurities. It sucks and it's hard but you have to move on. Let them see just how green the grass in on the other side. Concentrate on yourself. Your physical and mental health, your job. It's time to take care of you because no one else will. Good luck and hang in there.

Edited August 2, 2011 by AudentesFortuna

[itllgetbetter]

Trippi: You're a wealth of information! I'd come across the term "gaslighting" but only after reading your post did I google the definition, which in part is: "H may continue into the lie of how W's absolute gaul in accusing him is actually the growing problem between them". H said to me before he moved out that OW was "30% of the problem" and further that "15-20%" of the 30% was MY problem with the OW, not his.

 

I spoke to my mom this afternoon and she said that he's: (a) just trying to wear me down so that once we start talking about spousal support, I'll feel guilty and agree to a lot less than I'm entitled to (and for those LS members paying spousal support, please, let me emphasize I don't want more than I'm legally entitled to); or (b) he can come back to the house after the separation on his terms and continue to live the same way without any remorse/rectifying his behaviour.

 

AudentesFortuna: I began reading your first thread, in which you referred to your house, trips, cars, etc. During the dinner with my aunt, the shrink, which I referred to in a previous post, she said that she's always surprised that people spend their lives working hard to build things up and then tear it down so easily.

 

And the advice about taking care of yourself - well, my family and friends are saying the same thing but adding "because he's only looking out for himself, not you".

 

It really is remarkable/unfortunate how similar so many of our stories are.

 

The NC thing - as I've explained previously, I'm letting him make the phone calls and send the e-mails after he rejected my dinner invitation (which was especially humbling since he likes home cooked meals). But, I am concerned about "out of sight, out of mind" since he's likely rented a condo in the same bldg as the OW.

 

From time to time, I ask friends/family to crystal-ball gaze and tell me if they think H's coming back (totally pathetic, isn't it?! Have I mentioned that if I was giving advice to a friend in my situation, it'd be something along the lines of "are you CRAZY?"). According to one friend of mine, there's a "50/50" chance H will come back and that OW's rejected him which is why he's so "lonely" as he puts it.

 

But, my gut instinct, which is RARELY incorrect on matters of consequence, says it's over. HOWEVER, as I've explained in previous posts, I never want to look back and wonder if there's something more I could have done, which is why I'm sticking out till Oct. As an aside, according to H, if M ends, it's my fault because he wanted to stay in the house to work things out but it was me who said he should leave if he couldn't honour and cherish me - which words were in our wedding vows.

[trippi1432]

he can come back to the house after the separation on his terms and continue to live the same way without any remorse/rectifying his behaviour.

 

As an aside, according to H, if M ends, it's my fault because he wanted to stay in the house to work things out but it was me who said he should leave if he couldn't honour and cherish me - which words were in our wedding vows.

 

That bolded part that you mother advised has a lot of truth in it...it was precisely what my ex did before I knew about the EA and the OW.

 

Do not feel guilty because you have honored your vows....and on that note, I wouldn't bring them up to your husband anymore either as he will only see them as pressure and demands. Right now, he is not thinking of them.

 

Until you are positive that the OW is out of the picture, any efforts you make at this point will just be turned back on you.

 

At this point, reading up on the 180 might be some help to you...http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=3;t=000476;p=0.

 

Also, within that blog is a very interesting success story where a woman utilized the 180. This is not to say that it works for everyone...but I do admire the strength of this woman and the fact that she was able to be fine with the results whether it worked or not. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=014880;p=1#000002. Very long, but worth the read.

[itllgetbetter]

Trippi: Will read what you've suggested below later today as I'm off to work. However, I just wanted to point out that I've never brought up our

"wedding vows" in relation to me stating that in order for him to remain in the house, he needs to honour and cherish me, which is what I told him I needed in response to him saying he wanted to remain in the house - this was after he'd said he's moving out.

 

I reviewed the 180 a few weeks back and I'll take another look at it.

[andyg99]

let me say that I have read many good posts here with valuable advice - this post has some of the best advice ever posted here...

 

how many of us had to listen to future ex's lie and blame there way past their guilt... we all have had that moment of getting our buttons pushed and even some of us may have been told that we "pushed" them into an affair... it's amazing when you are in the middle of such an argument/dicussion, you start thinking out loud "if he/she talking about us or some other couple???"

 

thanks for sharing!

 

Sad to say, but yes...pushing your buttons is to alleviate their guilt, but also a way of gaining power. It helps to make you appear out of control and gives them validation of anything they are accusing you of or telling the AP or anyone else for that matter.

 

So how do you protect yourself? Know your hot buttons and refuse to play the game. When you recognize the denial, the gaslighting, the recreating the past events to be negatives, the lies and/or the accusations...disengage any way you can. Simply state, it is a pity you see it that way and hang up the phone, walk away, leave the scene. I hate to say it, but there is no reasoning with a person in this state of mind in mid-life crisis mode.

 

There is only one thing that my exH said during our demise that I totally agree with now, "Life is too short to be miserable"...and I add to that..."and be subjected to mental, verbal or emotional abuse. We all deserve better and to be treated better...and there are better people out there. Accept that this is his problem that he is wrestling with inside himself. Know that you loved the man he was, and it's okay to not like who he is now or what he is doing. Go through the healing emotions for yourself and do not give him power to place that blame on you that you do not deserve. Love yourself and make YOU the priority.

[2sunny]

the hard part is that he's so caught up in HIS "affair fog" he's not one bit concerned about you - it's all about him.

 

he's so focused on spending time and his energy on his OW - that he's essentially removed the thought of you from his mind... he's only focused on her, remember?

 

so ---> it's time for YOU to stop focusing on what he is or isn't doing - and focus on what is best for you! that includes not thinking of him, doing or him, talking of him to family friends anymore. start living! get busy living!

 

get so busy that you no longer have time to consider him. you will start to have fun again... and find that your happiness doesn't need to be determined by what he is or isn't doing! screw him! he treated you terribly - now stop handing him that much power over YOUR happiness.

 

he's got his agenda - and it doesn't include you.

 

 

get busy making sure you are living each day being happy. sign up for creative classes designed to release your creative spirit - take them with friends. exercise, eat right and find time to meditate and stay centered.

 

take your power back. you will find happiness if you get busy living. stay strong - i think you are doing a great job so far... just wanted to add a few ideas for a solid boundary and moving forward... to happiness.

[2sunny]

on a side note - him finding criticism with you is designed to find fault in you - which is terribly mean.

 

when my exH did that - i finally got enough courage and strength to remind him that i didn't need his negative words any longer - and i certainly didn't deserve them! if and when he felt the need to be mean to me - to refrain from any mean or nasty words = because i wasn't willing to allow him to treat me like crap ANY LONGER!

 

i told him - he lost that right to communicate with me on a personal level when he placed his emotions and dick in another woman! i recommended he take any and all that he offered to HER! :laugh:

 

my boundary has worked beautifully = i am no longer his dumping ground!!!!!!

[itllgetbetter]

Andy: I agree that this post has great advice - and, thanks to all who've provided it.

 

I've thought equally about: (a) "are you talking about us or some other couple???" and (b) "if only I'd been a better W." But then reality kicks in and I know (b)'s not correct.

 

2sunny: he hasn't ENTIRELY removed me from his mind - he called a few minutes ago - and people, you will be SO proud of me - I didn't answer the phone when I saw it was him that was calling. Although I'm a grown woman, I'm VERY impressed with myself for not answering the phone. (I figure the slXXt must be busy on tues and wed nights since that's when he often calls).

 

Re not talking to family/friends about him: I went out for lunch with a girlfriend, and in the evening with another girlfriend, and didn't mention H a single time - I made an effort not to speak about him though. Not thinking about him - that's another story.

 

You sound like my mom - she asked yesterday "why do you let him upset you ... he's not worthy of your time." As well your statement: "recommended he take any and all that he offered to HER" is also similar to my mom's statement re my H, which was: "do you think he'd DARE speak that way to her?"

 

Btw, are you a motivational speaker? I'm referring to the advice on taking back your power, etc.

 

Am exercising, eating well, and losing more weight.