I love you but I don't like you

[itllgetbetter]

H called me yesterday to ask how MC session went. Explained that it went well and I had some notes of it at home. His IC MC session is scheduled in a week and a half (counsellor's got a busy schedule).

 

H said he felt like I ignored him for a long time in the M, so, I felt REALLY guilty over that. He also asked what it is I thought he needed to work on. I took that as a positive sign. Of course, I'm analyzing everything to death these days.

 

H also explained that although he was supposed to only go away for one night to a conference, he planned on staying for two nights. I thought it was nice of him to let me know that (and NO I'm fairly certain that OW didn't go with him because this conference is for an organization he does work for and it's a very family oriented organization).

 

Today was a difficult day. Went to my brother's house for the birthday party of my two nieces. My brother asked me to sign on a picture of each of the girls a bday wish. In the past, my H always did it on behalf of both of us (each couple always had only one person sign). Got chocked up and said I'd sign later, thinking MAYBE if H comes back, he'd sign at a later date, but I didn't explain this because there definitely would have been tears.

 

2sunny: in my post #199, I said it was an EA and that I don't know if it was a PA. You're correct - I don't have his whole story - actually, I hardly have any of his story.

 

ShatteredReality: re the postive outcome: everytime I start analyzing something in a positive light, I think maybe I'm being too hopeful. Positive comments include:

 

a) His comment last week when he dropped his suitcases off in his apt. that "it doesn't feel like home".

 

b) He also asked yesterday what it is he could work on.

 

c) He also commented last week when we were together that someone told him if he returned there'd be "payback". I assured him there wouldn't be "payback".

 

On the negative side:

 

a) he's told soooooo many people we're separated (whereas I'm trying to ensure that as few people as possible know)

 

b) His IC MC appt is scheduled just under two weeks before his apt lease expires.

 

The more I think about it, the more I think MAYBE it was an EA rather than a PA. However, I also keep thinking that MAYBE H's realized that OW is unsuitable, but, he's going through a MLC and doesn't want to return home either.

 

This is all very confusing and I'm definitely getting mixed messages.

[andyg99]

b) He also asked yesterday what it is he could work on.

 

 

tell him he can work on telling you the truth.

[itllgetbetter]

Andyg99: Will do Andy, at the next opportunity I have since I'm not the one that's initiating the calls/contact.

 

ps: The above was a very early morning post - are you always up so early?

[LifesontheUp]

c) He also commented last week when we were together that someone told him if he returned there'd be "payback". I assured him there wouldn't be "payback".

 

My xH told me right at the start when I found out about his affair that I would never forgive him and bring the affair up to him like it was payback time.

 

My answer to him was - well what do you expect? Me to forget it all and brush it under the carpet? No way - you had your affair so you deal with the fall out or get the hell out of my life.

 

Its a cheater not taking responsibility illgetbetter. Your husband had an affair whether emotional or physical. I would bet physical as he moved near her. If he wants to work on his marriage he takes the rough with the smooth.

 

I wrote a number of posts back that you need to make sure that you do not run around fixing everything for him. YOU matter and should be a priority for YOU.

[itllgetbetter]

LifesontheUp: I understand what you're saying about not brushing it under the carpet. However, I read/heard on the marriagebuilders website that essentially you should have one conversation about it, then not bring it up again.

 

I'm really not sure where he's at since, as I've posted previously, he's given me mixed messages - one of those being "it's easier to be alone or start with someone new".

 

How long has it been since your H's A? How are things now with your H?

[andyg99]

LifesontheUp: I understand what you're saying about not brushing it under the carpet. However, I read/heard on the marriagebuilders website that essentially you should have one conversation about it, then not bring it up again.

 

 

I don't get it. One conversation??? I would think it would be several conversations and periodic reminders. Like when a year from now when he is pissed that you ask him to see his phone so you can review his texts - isn't that when you need to remind him why he is on this restriction? You are planning on letting him know that his calls/texts and any contacts will be monitored, right?

 

I'm sure this marriage builders site has some great material but sometimes you have to throw away the book and do what is good for you. To me one conversation is not enough.

[andyg99]

 

ps: The above was a very early morning post - are you always up so early?

 

I'm on the west coast so I was up late!

[itllgetbetter]

Andyg99: The MB website talks about one conversation but TOTAL transparancey. I think when they talked about one conversation, it was so that the situation could be put behind both spouses and they can move on.

 

As well, Andy, are you assuming he's coming back (feel free to crystal ball gaze here - best I've got on my end is a 50/50 chance) so that I'd have a conversation with him about transparency

 

West coast? Very nice!

Edited September 18, 2011 by itllgetbetter

[2sunny]

until he's willing to DO anything to repair the damage he's done - you have nothing.

 

he needs to get willing to give you ANYTHING and EVERYTHING YOU need to be comfortable with the thought of getting back together.

 

until he's ACTING as such - there's no need to believe he intends to make it work.

 

a man who wants a woman - does anything to get her back - including telling all his truth - so she knows what she may need to consider forgiving. he should be willing to have many, many conversations about all of it - until he has RESTORED YOUR peace of mind... the peace of mind he has stolen with his lies and cover up.

 

he's the one that should be doing all the work - all the action to be sure he has done enough to set things right. it takes years of repair! if he's not intending to do all of which it will take to rebuild trust - you can figure on having a broken M.

 

payback time? sheez! he should be begging for you to even listen! payback? how about some effort to repair what he smashed to smitherenes! this is for HIM to fix - and for YOU to decide whether or not he's making enough effort.

 

with that $hitty attitude he's got - i'd say his ego, sense of entitlement and narcissistic mindset will never allow room for a healthy, happy, giving and loving marriage.

 

i'd tell him to find a new place to dump his crappy attitude! why would you even consider such a selfish, self centered man?

[Craig2425]

I agree with this. As a man who knows what he did wrong and wanted to save his marriage I was willing to do whatever for my wife. I found the counselor, I found books for us and for me.

Now I never cheated on my wife but I did leave her instead of trying to fix our problems.

If your husband really wanted to fix things he would be doing everything in his power to do just that.

Hope everything works out for you

 

 

until he's willing to DO anything to repair the damage he's done - you have nothing.

 

he needs to get willing to give you ANYTHING and EVERYTHING YOU need to be comfortable with the thought of getting back together.

 

until he's ACTING as such - there's no need to believe he intends to make it work.

 

a man who wants a woman - does anything to get her back - including telling all his truth - so she knows what she may need to consider forgiving. he should be willing to have many, many conversations about all of it - until he has RESTORED YOUR peace of mind... the peace of mind he has stolen with his lies and cover up.

 

he's the one that should be doing all the work - all the action to be sure he has done enough to set things right. it takes years of repair! if he's not intending to do all of which it will take to rebuild trust - you can figure on having a broken M.

 

payback time? sheez! he should be begging for you to even listen! payback? how about some effort to repair what he smashed to smitherenes! this is for HIM to fix - and for YOU to decide whether or not he's making enough effort.

 

with that $hitty attitude he's got - i'd say his ego, sense of entitlement and narcissistic mindset will never allow room for a healthy, happy, giving and loving marriage.

 

i'd tell him to find a new place to dump his crappy attitude! why would you even consider such a selfish, self centered man?

[trippi1432]

Andyg99: The MB website talks about one conversation but TOTAL transparancey. I think when they talked about one conversation, it was so that the situation could be put behind both spouses and they can move on.

 

As well, Andy, are you assuming he's coming back (feel free to crystal ball gaze here - best I've got on my end is a 50/50 chance) so that I'd have a conversation with him about transparency

 

West coast? Very nice!

 

IGB - While it might be one conversation, that conversation should be held with total honesty...with him being totally honest with you. The two of you have NOT had that conversation yet else you would not be guessing if he had an EA or PA or his reasons for moving in the same building as her.

 

After that conversation, there must be total transparency from him in order for you to regain trust that this is something that he will not do again. With him stating that he is worried about payback, I'm willing to bet that he can't be totally transparent...nor can he be honest, pretty much at this point, he hasn't even been honest with himself.

[andyg99]

yes - it sounds like her husband would want some sort of "let's pretend this never happened" scenario if he came back... I would bet that this happens more than often when a spouse who has been cheated on is weak and needy...

 

I was in a similar situation many years ago, my ex called me one day after I was out of the house about 3 months, she was on shaky ground with her new guy, she said I should come back home but I better not use the affair against her. My weak self wanted to jump on the opportunity to have her back and my family whole, but I told her I'd think about it, that same night I made up my mind to file for divorce. So she then shifted her focus on getting the new guy back...

 

OP - when we are weak we often let people walk all over us... I'm saying this because I was there, I know what it was to be weak, but I found strength and learned to set boundaries (which helped me later on in life). You need to find your strength. At this point your husband should be doing 90% of the work if he wants back in - make him earn it, and if he is still "deciding"? THEN DECIDE FOR HIM!!!!!!!

[2sunny]

yes - it sounds like her husband would want some sort of "let's pretend this never happened" scenario if he came back... I would bet that this happens more than often when a spouse who has been cheated on is weak and needy...

 

I was in a similar situation many years ago, my ex called me one day after I was out of the house about 3 months, she was on shaky ground with her new guy, she said I should come back home but I better not use the affair against her. My weak self wanted to jump on the opportunity to have her back and my family whole, but I told her I'd think about it, that same night I made up my mind to file for divorce. So she then shifted her focus on getting the new guy back...

 

OP - when we are weak we often let people walk all over us... I'm saying this because I was there, I know what it was to be weak, but I found strength and learned to set boundaries (which helped me later on in life). You need to find your strength. At this point your husband should be doing 90% of the work if he wants back in - make him earn it, and if he is still "deciding"? THEN DECIDE FOR HIM!!!!!!!

 

GREAT post andy!

 

since her husband hasn't offered anything - there really isn't anything to consider.

 

he hasn't expressed with COMPLETE honesty WHY he felt JUSTIFIED in his cheating. he also hasn't explained to his W what - EXACTLY - he's learned about himself - that will keep him from ever doing the same thing again!

 

until HE learns why he cheated - and HOW he's NEVER going to hurt YOU in this way ever again... there isn't one single reason to ever see or speak to him again!

 

HE'S got a TON of work to do for himself! until the man completely changes - the only thing he's got to offer you is his selfish, self centered, egotistical, self entitled way of living! that is simply an awful way to go back into any marriage.

 

when HE starts thinking of YOU FIRST - and every word and action give YOU evidence that you CAN support that with evidence - is only when you should consider that possibly he has changed enough to participate in the marriage on a level that is loving and kind and giving.

 

he hasn't offered you anything that supports any consideration of being married to him.

[itllgetbetter]

Before you jump to any conclusions, please read this ENTIRE post - I think 2sunny and Andyg99 will approve by the end of it.

 

I thought this morning started off well. Got a vm from H that he'd arrived back in town from his conference on the weekend. Thought I'd show considerable restraint by taking 2+ hours to return the call (not that I needed to I suppose) & leave him a vm saying thanks for letting me know that.

 

Now, I'm semi-hyperventilating. Below's a MAJOR vent. But it's also a LOL at myself - hey, it's better than crying. And the good news is, now I'm thinking I really don't think I want him back. FINALLY you're all saying.

 

I feel like a COMPLETE fool!!!!!!!!!! 2sunny, andyg99, craig2425, trippi1432, steen719, lifesontheup, carhill and LOTS of other contributors to this thread, you were correct - H's done NOTHING to rectify our relationship because he doesn't want to rectify it.

 

You'll recall that I'd said in my gut, I don't think there's going to be a reconciliation. Looks like I was correct. See ... I'm not a COMPLETE idiot.

 

You may recall at some point in this thread I commented on how "itelligent" he is. Well, you may question MY intelligence when you read what's below.

 

On to the "interesting" part:

 

I thought I'd go on match.com to find out if PERHAPS my stbxh (you'll note that that's the first time I use that term) is on it and lo and behold, he IS.

 

And when he told me we didn't have anything in common (ie: "gaslighting" me)? Well, oddly enough, all those things are listed as things he's interested in on match.com. And those places I liked to travel to, they're listed as his favorite "hot spots" (that was one of his complaints about me too, that there are other places to see in the world besides the "hot spots" he's listed).

 

When I discussed this briefly with a friend of mine earlier this evening, I read to him what it is my H's listed on match.com as the type of woman he's interested in. My friend commented "that's you - you should drop him an e-mail and see if he'd like to meet for a coffee".

 

WRT H's listed interests, my friend commented "those are your interests."

 

So, I guess he came to the realization that the OW was trouble and now he's casting his net further afield. So this is definitely a GIGS. It also explains why my H had said WEEKS ago that he didn't like to make plans too far in advance (of course, it wasn't a problem to commit 1.5 weeks before hand to going to a concert I'd purchased tickets to before the split).

 

I really need to learn to do the quotes in gray boxes like the rest of you. Apologies in advance for the messy nature of what's below.

 

2sunny's post #210: You stated: "i'd tell him to find a new place to dump his crappy attitude! why would you even consider such a selfish, self centered man?" - I was NOT having a great day yesterday - I'm finding weekends the toughest - but, when I read that, it put a smile on my face. And 2sunny, you were correct about everything you said in this post.

 

Craig2425: My H's too busy going on dates with people he's meeting on match.com to even think about fixing things with me. It looks like everything's going to work out for me afterall. I'm SO glad I came across this information.

 

One thing on the marriagebuilders website is that Dr. Harley says (are you all tired of reading that phrase?) is that the W should be in Plan A (ie., being nice, letting H know what he'd be missing) for no more than 3 weeks, otherwise it's bad for their health and they'll end up disliking what they see H doing/how he's acting. So, I've been in Plan A for almost 4 months (and thanks to the divorce diet, I've lost almost 20 lbs - excellent!!!).

 

Trippi1432: doesn't look like there's going to be a conversation about transparency. I'm feeling as if under NO circumstances could I regain the trust I had for him before the what I'll call EA.

 

Andyg99: I definitely don't think he's going to try to come back. He's too busy trying to find someone to replace me. And I imagine it's costing a fair bit of $ for him to do so - dating can get costly. Not to mention he's obviously not concentrating on his work as he was previously since he's busy arranging dates and meeting women. Doubt his business partners will like that much.

 

Andy, regarding "sleeping on" your W's suggestion to get back together then deciding to file for divorce - you're a REALLY strong guy - you remind me of debtman - that's a compliment btw.

 

Just for the record: I'm NOT going to be a doormat any longer!!!! Finding that info on match.com gave me the strength I needed to be strong. Looks like I'll be "deciding" for him. Yes, I took a "little" (okay a LOT) longer than the rest of you to come to this conclusion, but, I'm finally there.

 

2sunny: He still hasn't admitted to cheating - he seems to think it's okay to date as long as you're separated - and foolish me is still surprised by that attitude.

 

Interestingly enough, I've met LOTS of women over the past few weeks that've said although they were initially REALLY upset (one woman told me she pretty much stayed in bed and cried for almost a year, other than going to work) when H cheated on them, they reached a point where, when H wanted to come back, they said NO. And they maintain that under no circumstances would they want their H's back.

 

On a slightly different note this morning I made a 2nd appt with the MC for one more session of IC later this week - just to be sure I covered everything. I'm not sure if I'm going to cancel it or not, but, I thought perhaps I'd go to the session of MC with my H when it's scheduled (my H's IC MC session is next week and thereafter, we're supposed to have one together) and use lots of phrases that are contained in his match.com profile.

 

Good night.

Edited September 20, 2011 by itllgetbetter

[itllgetbetter]

In my jurisdication, you have to be separate and apart for 1 year unless you can prove adultry, and unfortunately, a posting on dating site isn't enough - sure proves intent/desire though.

[trippi1432]

IGB - Now who controls the timeline? As I've stated before, his coming back was not just his decision to make, you also have that "power" to make that decision...and based on these actions, why would you want him back?

 

Now when he throws those blaming statements at you, what will be your reaction? No defense this time, no reason to even validate nor entertain them, no reason for this man to continue pulling your health down. He makes his bed, it is his to lie in. I state it again and hope it sinks in...."His discontent has nothing to do with you but his own discontent with himself". You can't help him with it, you can't fix it for him.

 

Now, time for boundaries!! Do not allow him to continue blaming you for things you know are not your fault. You may have to be separate and apart for one year...and that timeline has begun, but you can still file a Separation Agreement to get things started. I did this with my exH and even had it put in that he and I could live our lives as if we were no longer married. For me, I felt that if he wanted to play "House" with another woman, then that was his prerogative; however, I was not going to be tied to the same vows he was not willing to honor.

 

Time to stop waiting for him to tell you whether he wants to come back...it's okay for you to make that decision for yourself. I'm picturing you getting out a broom and dustpan to sweep up those eggshells you have been walking on for him sweetie....time to roll up the doormat. He wants to continue testing the waters, time to set him adrift. Sorry, full of puns this morning...but you get the idea.

[Steen719]

It will be interesting to see what excuse he comes up with for this!!!

 

Well, even when you "know" things aren't right, when you see it in front of you, there is no way to deny that he is not interested in reconciling. It hurts, I'm sure, but now you know. Best of all, you have nothing to look back and regret. You gave it your all, you were willing to work on the marriage and he threw it away. He will try to blame you, but don't accept it. Somehow he will try to blame you for his being on Match.com. I'll just bet you he does.

 

I'm with Trippi...set him adrift. File for separation as soon as you can.

[2sunny]

this IS progress - mainly because now you know something rather than nothing...

 

what you DO with that something is now up to you!

 

we know this (which those of us who have been here - already knew):

 

he's got you on his back burner in case he doesn't meet someone else

he's looking around to see what he can find

he's not willing to be HONEST!!!

he's not willing to face what he has done

he's also not willing to admit - and do the work to repair the damage HE caused

he's going to just move on and carry his baggage (and broken self) to the next gal

he expects YOU to wait around - then be happy IF he decides to come back

 

 

 

YOU can change this!

 

YOU have CHOICES! i am proud of you for finding SOME of his truth! when we REALLY start to wake up - and dig through the crap that is used to mask the TRUTH - we can begin to make DECISIONS that are based on what is REAL - as opposed to what they are TELLING us! words are NOTHING - his ACTIONS tell everything he WON'T SAY TO YOU!!! HE made the time and effort to create a profile! THAT tells you where his effort and energy is being spent!

 

 

 

since he prefers to spend time and energy looking for a new gal - it's time for you to get busy moving forward without this man! he isn't the man you thought he COULD be!

 

now that you know his time and energy are spent trying to find someone who will believe his lies - what are YOU going to DO? you need to take your power back - that power you've been handing him, only to have him ignore any of your feelings, wants and needs! the man you THOUGHT you knew is now gone!

 

 

take action! call him up and tell him with the simplest most unemotional words - "I'M DONE WITH YOU" or "DON'T BOTHER COMING HOME, this is over and has been for a long time - based upon you're inability to be honest" get your things out of MY space by end of Saturday - i don't want to see a trace of you around this house!

 

THAT would send a clear message to him, yes?

[andyg99]

I'm feeling as if under NO circumstances could I regain the trust I had for him before the what I'll call EA.

 

.

 

call it what you want - he had an affair, I don't get these different classifications, he had an affair. Period.

 

Good job in admitting you will not be the doormat. Time to move on. Tell him you're done. No more games with phone calls either, if he calls either answer it or not, no more playing games like "I waited an hour to answer"...

 

You have all the answers you need - you can never look back and wonder if you "could have done more" - he doesn't want you, it's a hard pill to swallow, I know that for a fact. You have the strength inside to do what you need to do now - there is little more that I can say, now it's your time to act!

 

You're a great lady and you have an amazing life just waiting for you to join in!!!!

[itllgetbetter]

I still want M to work (no eye-rolling please - I'm trying to keep a positive attitude).

 

I haven't mentioned match.com website to H and don't plan to unless the circumstances warrant it - for example, if he says he's really tried over these past few months to make things work - at that point I'd raise match.com.

 

H called twice a couple of days ago & asked what it is I thought he'd need to change about himself - He also asked that question last week. He also said that there'd have to be "forgiveness" on both our parts if there was a reconciliation.

 

I said on my first post to this thread that one of H's complaints about me was that I complained about work too much, which is true. And, he's raised that as an issue with me over the years.

 

I went for a second session of IC MC yesterday.

 

H's going for his IC MC next week - H's schedule and counsellor's schedule didn't coordinate - H was out of town on business on the only two days counsellor was available.

 

Trippi: Since H has now asked twice what he'd need to change about himself, and that there'd need to be "forgiveness", I took those as very positive signs so, I'm going to wait and see what happens with his IC MC session and our MC session together.

 

Steen719: H keeps calling me, so, I wouldn't say he's completely uninterested in reconciling, especially since it was H's idea to go to MC. Therefore, I won't be filing for separation at this time. Maybe after he sees MC and we see MC together, he'll want to work things out. That's what I'm hoping for - just in case there was ANY confusion about what I want.

 

2sunny: I think H's coming around to being honest since he said there needs to be "forgiveness". In order for that to be the happen, we'd both need to know what it is we're forgiving.

 

Until we're through with MC, I won't be telling him it's over.

 

Andyg99: I'd wonder if I could have done more if I didn't follow through with the MC sessions, which is why I'm waiting to see how those go.

 

Andy, if he "didn't want" me, why was it his idea to go to MC sessions? That wouldn't still indicate that I'm a backup plan, would it?

[Steen719]

When you are ready to say yah or nay, you will do it and not before. I understand as well as anyone how hard is to to decide to leave. You will do what you have to do because it is your life. Best to you.

[stgkontor1]

Teşekkürler

[andyg99]

Comments in BOLD

 

H called twice a couple of days ago & asked what it is I thought he'd need to change about himself -

 

so what was your answer?? did you tell him he has to stop lying and he has to stop treating you like a doormat?

 

I said on my first post to this thread that one of H's complaints about me was that I complained about work too much, which is true. And, he's raised that as an issue with me over the years.

 

he cheated - let him work on himself first, in no time you'll be doing all the "self-improvement" while he is still trolling Match.com. BTW, are you really complaining about work? Maybe you like talking about your career, what's wrong with that? What would he rather talk about then? You don't need counseling to find this out, just ask him!

 

 

H's going for his IC MC next week - H's schedule and counsellor's schedule didn't coordinate - H was out of town on business on the only two days counsellor was available.

 

according to him, right? unless you tried to make the appointment

 

 

 

Until we're through with MC, I won't be telling him it's over.

 

why? you have to stop looking towards books and counselors for answers! by all means go to the counseling but your husband should know he is on thin ice and you should be able to call it quits at any time. Counseling can go on for months, and a good BSer can BS anyone even a good counsleor

 

Andyg99: I'd wonder if I could have done more if I didn't follow through with the MC sessions, which is why I'm waiting to see how those go.

 

you did all you could - it's his turn to decide or leave, like RIGHT NOW! Stop being his mother and holding his hand - counseling can help two people who both want to make it work, he doesn't even know what he wants, it sounds like you want someone to convince him....

 

Andy, if he "didn't want" me, why was it his idea to go to MC sessions? That wouldn't still indicate that I'm a backup plan, would it?

 

I'm sorry, I know I'm sounding harsh but it's only because I care - I only know what I read about your situation, and I haven't heard you say ONE THING that he has said that makes me think he cares... why was it his idea to go to counseling you ask? Who knows? why didn't you ask him??!! did he say 'I want to go to counseling so we can reconcile'?, did he ever say he wants you back? did he ever apologize? I wish you the best, you know that, please make him do the work - call him on the Match.com thing... I know you are afraid, you are afraid that YOU might do something to ruin that small chance that you two can make it work, trust me it can only work if both of you were honest, and by holding back YOU are not being honest...

 

[itllgetbetter]

Andyg99: When H asked what he needed to do, I told him he needs to treat me with courtesty and respect.

 

I've been doing the "self-improvement" thing since the week before he actually left our home, since, he told me he wanted to leave the day he went away to visit his mother. In fact, my bedside table is STACKED with self-improvement books.

 

Actually, yes, I was complaining about work. It wasn't just that I liked talking about my career - though once in a while I'd have some interesting stories to tell about the work I was doing.

 

Good point about asking him what he'd like to talk about since he's always said he doesn't like talking about his office matters at home since he wanted to leave it behind at the office. Sometimes though we'd discuss his workplace issues - actually, in 2009, he almost lost his business and for a period of about 8 months, that's mostly what we'd discuss during dinner.

 

Yes, he is going for the MC session this upcoming week - the MC told me that during my second session yesterday. And H couldn't schedule it sooner as the MC's schedule and H's schedule didn't permit it, and MC does NOT work weekends.

 

This particular MC doesn't try to keep you going for counselling endlessly, so, I figure in a few sessions we'll have completed MC. And, I also think when you have two individuals who want the M to work, they should be able to talk things through themselves, perhaps with a little guidance when necessary.

 

When my H suggested going to counselling, I asked him what he thought the purpose of it would be (recall that I'd been suggesting counselling since January and he didn't want to go, so, I took that as a very positive step that he was now wanting to go to counselling). He said he thought it would be so that we can find out if the M should continue.

 

I then explained that I'd approach counselling by asking how to fix our M. In response to my question "what if the counsellor thinks we should end our M?" My H said: "we're adults and will have to make that decision ourselves."

 

I didn't ask him why he was now suggesting counselling because I thought it was a very positive step that he'd come around to the idea of going.

 

He hasn't said he wants me back. And he hasn't apologized. However, his statement a couple of days ago that "there needs to be forgiveness by both of us", to me, means that he knows he's made some mistakes, as I have.

 

He also said he felt "ignored" for some time, which I can understand as I was: (a) busy complaining about work; and (b) worried about a family member's financial situation.

 

You're not sounding "harsh" - you're just stating things like they are so that my head's not in the clouds.

 

I'm not calling him on the match.com thing because really, I just want all this to be over, my H back in our home and us working to fix our M. And, I think there'll be a whole lot of honesty coming up shortly, both during our MC session together and afterwards. We've had some very good discussions, for example, the day he left to visit his mother - and I said to him at that time it was unfortunate that we didn't have that discussion sooner. But, he basically shut me out since January, which is why (sorry to repeat myself here) when he suggested counselling, I thought it was a VERY positive step.

 

Finally, I still don't feel like I've done all I can do.

[2sunny]

if you did consider being honest about this whole thing - yes, you should ask him WHY did he INTEND to go to counseling since he's OBVIOUSLY and ACTIVELY searching out a new woman?

 

you need to know! you ARE still his wife - the wife he SAYS he intends to do MC with - but the wife he's still cheating on by looking for dates on a website.

 

tell him you know - and in the next breathe - be honest - tell him you don't have time for his BS anymore... YOU need a man that wants ONLY YOU! and since he's clearly not THAT man - the marriage is OVER!

 

here's a hint. keep this in mind. ANY man that WANTS to be with a woman will go to ANY LENGTH to have her understand THAT simple concept! he will!!! so - IF he's using words that may give you a HINT that he wants you - but no action to back it up - he is full of $hit! he's a liar!

 

when words and action don't match = there is ALWAYS a lie in there!

 

he doesn't want to be with you - or he WOULD have MADE it happen.

 

tell him you saw his profile - call and tell him that now! it doesn't need to be anything other than the simplest words. " i saw your profile on Match - we are totally finished".

 

make that decision to DO that for yourself. then get busy moving forward! he's wasted a lot of your time and energy with his constant lies. don't let that happen for one more second.

 

then get busy being happy!!!!!! you deserve so much more than him. don't ever settle!