I love you but I don't like you

[itllgetbetter]

2sunny: I didn't know about the match.com site until after we agreed to go to counselling.

 

Isn't his action in going to MC the hint that he's trying to work things out? As well (sorry to repeat myself), he's asked twice how he'd need to change, and, he's said we'd both need to "forgive" eachother.

 

That's good advice re "ANY man that WANTS to be with a woman will go to ANY LENGTH to have her understand THAT simple concept! he will".

 

He uses words that hint that he wants me (for example, when he said "it doesn't feel like home" when he dropped his suitcase off at his apt), and, he always calls me to let me know he's going out of town on business and when he'll be back. He also calls when he's returned from business - and yes, it really is business he's going on.

[2sunny]

itllgetbetter;3642352]2sunny:

I didn't know about the match.com site until after we agreed to go to counselling.

 

so NOW YOU KNOW! so no more reason to make effort when he doesn't intend to focus ALL his energy on healing what he ruined!

 

Isn't his action in going to MC the hint that he's trying to work things out? As well (sorry to repeat myself), he's asked twice how he'd need to change, and, he's said we'd both need to "forgive" eachother.

 

see? he's using words but no action to fix what he ruined. words are NOTHING! men who DO everything to fix something have NO NEED to talk about it - they simply DO IT! he's trying to make a bigger fool of you. i would have NONE of that. i hope you don't allow it. tell him what a jerk he's been to you. THAT'S honest!

 

That's good advice re "ANY man that WANTS to be with a woman will go to ANY LENGTH to have her understand THAT simple concept! he will".

yep - but he's not DOING that - he's searching for more, better, new love on Match!

 

He uses words that hint that he wants me (for example, when he said "it doesn't feel like home" when he dropped his suitcase off at his apt), and, he always calls me to let me know he's going out of town on business and when he'll be back. He also calls when he's returned from business - and yes, it really is business he's going on.

 

this isn't realistic to put ANY merit in these words! they are completely empty words!

 

heck, he didn't say - "please take me back - i'll do anything you say - and i'll spend the rest of my days making this up to you - i'm sorry i've caused you pain - and i'm planning to repair the damage i've caused because i am totally in love with you. you are THE ONLY woman i will ever love!"

 

nope - he didn't even come close to saying that!

 

stop reading into his empty words.

 

i'd tell him pronto to get out and stop wasting my time and energy. you could have been moving forward these past few months - but selfish him keeps you hanging onto empty words while he's surfing the net for his new hot chicka. he's gross!

 

you deserve more than a man who offers you so much of NOTHING!

[trippi1432]

itllgetbetter;3642352]2sunny:

 

so NOW YOU KNOW! so no more reason to make effort when he doesn't intend to focus ALL his energy on healing what he ruined!

 

 

 

see? he's using words but no action to fix what he ruined. words are NOTHING! men who DO everything to fix something have NO NEED to talk about it - they simply DO IT! he's trying to make a bigger fool of you. i would have NONE of that. i hope you don't allow it. tell him what a jerk he's been to you. THAT'S honest!

 

 

yep - but he's not DOING that - he's searching for more, better, new love on Match!

 

 

 

this isn't realistic to put ANY merit in these words! they are completely empty words!

 

heck, he didn't say - "please take me back - i'll do anything you say - and i'll spend the rest of my days making this up to you - i'm sorry i've caused you pain - and i'm planning to repair the damage i've caused because i am totally in love with you. you are THE ONLY woman i will ever love!"

 

nope - he didn't even come close to saying that!

 

stop reading into his empty words.

 

i'd tell him pronto to get out and stop wasting my time and energy. you could have been moving forward these past few months - but selfish him keeps you hanging onto empty words while he's surfing the net for his new hot chicka. he's gross!

 

you deserve more than a man who offers you so much of NOTHING!

 

Couldn't agree more.

[2sunny]

Couldn't agree more.

 

wow trippi - we agreed on something? we have come a long way! xo

[trippi1432]

Shhhh...don't tell anyone. LOL!!

[trippi1432]

IGB - going to hope I don't lose this grrrr...post again...Look!! You are letting this man's "smallest" action....and I do mean SMALLEST action interpret his words.

 

WHAT HAS THIS MAN REALLY SHOWN YOU TO REALLY MAKE YOU FEEL THAT HE WANTS THE MARRIAGE TO WORK?

 

Yes..emphasis....because sweetie, you are still a doormat. He says.....he wants MC..of course he wants MC...it gives him a safe place to tell you it's over!!! Get it??

 

What were his words..? What if MC tells us we are done? Then we will be adults about it and make that decision ourselves..please?? On my way to a MC session with a man who hated counseling, my exH turned the car stereo off and stated that he always hated that song that was playing...it was our wedding song...he did it with a smirk on his face too. At MC, he recanted that I was no fun..not the woman he had known all his life....not spontaneous. He hated the unexpected, hated the not knowing what was going to happen next...everything with him had to be planned to the penny. He was not the man I knew....and he was painting anything he could with someone who could support him...and he will continue to do that with anyone who supports him and his shallow actions.

 

His words..."this place doesn't feel like home"...."to come back I need forgiveness". Give him forgiveness all you like..but what are his actions? Better yet, what are yours?

 

New spin...what have YOU done to make it easy for him. What have you changed and grown from since you are bent on making this about YOU and not his own problems? Just how will you show him forgiveness that will enable him to honor your request to just honor and respect you?

 

He needs forgiveness..sure..that is easy...sweep it under the rug. The real question here is IF he comes home and everyone just "treats him well"....what are YOU going to do when he does it again...and he will....how are you going to make sure it doesn't with this one man who has done this?

[itllgetbetter]

2sunny & Trippi: Isn't H initiating MC a step in the right direction? Granted, trolling match is NOT good, but, maybe a couple of sessions with MC will straighten things out? And, sorry to dwell on this, but, him talking about "forgiveness" is also a good thing.

 

2sunny: Why would H be trying to make a "bigger" fool out of me?

 

Andyg99 posted previously on this thread that when H asks if I have a date lined up, I should say "I'm M and M people don't date". I think that H being on match is a reflection on his character, not mine. Or, do you disagree?

[2sunny]

your request to just honor and respect you?

 

i remember - this really was your only request...

 

so - IF he were "honoring and respecting you" he would be honest - and give you a divorce... mainly because he's acting like he intends to be single! acting single behind your back - but to your face he's barely tossing crumbs and you are eating them up like it's filet mignon!

 

it doesn't feel like home? because it ISN'T home! he hasn't earned the right by kind and loving actions to be in the house he used to call home!

 

he needs to get used to wherever he is now - because he's certainly not taking any action to earn his way back TOTALLY into your heart or your life!

 

god - i hope you're not having sex with him! he's likely to give you a disease since he's out there trolling for new women... lord knows he's only capable of thinking of himself the last short while. and lord knows he'll use you for anything you will allow...

 

yes - YOU are ALLOWING this! you don't have to allow it any longer - but you have been!

[itllgetbetter]

2sunny: Oddly enough our home doesn't feel like "home" without him.

 

Trippi: What he's shown me to make M work are:

 

(a) after we got together once in August, the day before I left for a vacation, he called me half a dozen times saying he wanted to see me again and had been looking forward to seeing me.

 

(b) after he returned from his trip earlier in September, he called me and spent the weekend at our home - he initially planned on returning home after one night but ended up staying three nights;

 

© he suggested going to MC when he was at our home during those three days;

 

(d) he always calls in advance to let me know he's going out of town on business and calls when he returns to town to let me know he's arrived safely;

 

(e) he asked what I felt he needed to do to repair things;

 

(f) he said there needed to be forgiveness on both our parts - that's the first time he's come close to acknowledging he's done anything wrong.

 

You think he's going to tell me in FRONT of MC that it's over - that'll be rather humiliating!

 

And a MC would allow that, knowing in advance that that's what's going to happen during the joint MC session? That doesn't seem quite right/ethical since tH & MC wouldn've had to have a private discussion about that (which could be the IC MC session I suppose), but then to have a joint session and spring that on the BS without her knowing what's going to happen in the joint session, but the H knows in advance what's going to happen during the joint session - doesn't seem like much of a "joint session". Or, did I misinterpret what you said below?

 

In terms of what I've changed about myself: I'm more tolerant of my family members, ESPECIALLY my mom, who's been absolutely amazing throughout this, as well as one of my aunts (the shrink). I'm also more accepting of the more negative aspects of my job since overall, the positives outweigh the negatives. Both of these were concerns of his in that he said I was negative about both my job and my family.

 

I'd like to think that if he returned home, he'd be doing that because he wants to be here and WOULDN'T do it again, and that we'd both be better partners to one another, especially after all we've been through these past few months (although I must say my 20 lb weight loss is a positive aspect of all this).

 

My actions if he returns home - is that what you're referring to?

 

As far as losing what I've typed, I've now learned to ALWAYS copy it then try posting it because if I don't I lose the post.

 

2sunny: I won't allow myself to be used - any longer - but, I'm still going to continue with the MC.

[2sunny]

you keep typing the same measly morsels as if it actually means anything = it doesn't! he's not standing in front of you - declaring his TRUTH - and begging to repair the damage HE caused!

 

open your eyes! he's trying to DATE SOMEONE NEW!!!!!!

 

what is it that you don't realize?

 

he makes a few phone calls and stays a few days and you think he's getting back together? and then you see his profile on a dating site - and what is it you are thinking? i'd be thinking F HIM!!!!

 

why aren't YOU saying those words?

 

he's not making the EFFORT to be honest!!!!!

 

how can you forgive ANYTHING at all - when he hasn't told you what he did that you are supposed to forgive?

 

you are doing this completely backwards!

 

he's cheating now - by BEING on that site - and you are closing your eyes to THAT too - and pretending he's coming back... his actions show = he's moved on - he just keeps you as his safety net - his back burner gal - in case he doesn't find his OW again right away.

 

he's a cheater and a liar! why WOULD YOU EVEN WANT THAT?

 

he isn't the man you thought he was. he's a complete jerk.

 

stop being so forgiving and so nice - you want to forgive when you don't ven know what you need to forgive.

 

the whole thing is ridiculous on your part. you're doing all the giving and he's the big, fat taker.

 

everything is out of balance... and it's your fault because you are ALLOWING him to treat you terribly!

 

we train people how to treat us - you have trained him that he makes little effort to be decent and you still worship the ground he walks on.

 

have some self respect... it's obvious he's not going to respect you because you aren't respecting and honoring yourself.

 

stop being his doormat!

[LifesontheUp]

Hi itllgetbetter.

 

I can understand that you want your husband back. But what perhaps you are missing is that your husband isn't the same man that you thought he was. His having an affair, his treating you as he has, has changed your relationship whether you recognise it or not.

 

Now I'm not saying it will not work out. But for it to work out, your husband has to put 110% effort into making it work. And from what you have posted I cannot even see more than 1%.

 

Its clear you are scared of losing him and he knows it. He has the power here, to keep you hanging on, at his whim - until he decides what he wants to do. Why not turn that on its head and YOU get control. YOU tell him you know that he is on match and YOU will not be going anywhere with him until he removes his profile. Basically sh$t or get off the pot.

 

Come on itllgetbetter, stop letting him control everything here, while you run around for him. Yes tell him you want respect and honour BUT above all you should the TRUTH from him.

[andyg99]

comments in BOLD

 

2sunny: Oddly enough our home doesn't feel like "home" without him.

 

that's normal, anyone who has gone through this can say the same thing - that feeling eventually goes away... don't waste your time on this guy because you don't want to feel "odd"...

 

 

 

(f) he said there needed to be forgiveness on both our parts - that's the first time he's come close to acknowledging he's done anything wrong.

 

Sunny beat me to it - he's not telling you what you should forgive, I'm going to be really blunt here - this is not a man you're dealing with, he's a grade A pus$y... he throws something out there and then leaves you hanging knowing you're too weak to ask the obvious follow up question "so what am I forgiving you for??". Instead you walk away thinking of what you can do so he can forgive YOU!!! DO YOU NOT SEE HOW MESSED UP THAT IS???? A real man admits his mistakes, he would tell you what he did and do anything to fix it - he's not a real man.

 

You think he's going to tell me in FRONT of MC that it's over - that'll be rather humiliating!

 

And a MC would allow that, knowing in advance that that's what's going to happen during the joint MC session?

 

absolutely - if he spoke with the counselor and told him he is planning to divorce you since the counselor can probably see that he is less than a real man he may have suggested that he be there when you are told... I'm just throwing that out there but it does happen all the time in counseling - ethics come into play when a counselor talks about a private session with a client to someone else without their consent...

 

 

 

In terms of what I've changed about myself: I'm more tolerant of my family members, ESPECIALLY my mom, who's been absolutely amazing throughout this, as well as one of my aunts (the shrink). I'm also more accepting of the more negative aspects of my job since overall, the positives outweigh the negatives. Both of these were concerns of his in that he said I was negative about both my job and my family.

 

it is good that you have chosen to grow and make changes - please don't stop moving forward...

 

I'd like to think that if he returned home, he'd be doing that because he wants to be here and WOULDN'T do it again, and that we'd both be better partners to one another, especially after all we've been through these past few months (although I must say my 20 lb weight loss is a positive aspect of all this).

 

congrats on the weight loss... you say "I'd like to think" - what you like to think is probably way different than what would really happen. Most likely if he comes back he'll cheat again and again and again.

 

My actions if he returns home - is that what you're referring to?

 

As far as losing what I've typed, I've now learned to ALWAYS copy it then try posting it because if I don't I lose the post.

 

2sunny: I won't allow myself to be used - any longer - but, I'm still going to continue with the MC.

 

You are allowing yourself to be used right now - please open your eyes

 

[trippi1432]

IGB - I'm not saying that the MC would allow him a comfort zone to let him tell you that the marriage is over, but an MC should be a place where you can both lay out your grievances and work through the tough issues. I don't know your husband so cannot give you an inside view of what his mindset is to agree to the MC now.

 

What I will state is that while he is agreeing to the MC, he is also entertaining being on a dating site. And you already know that he is capable given his actions of pursuing another woman and moving into the same building as her. These things point to culpability, the point that he has not assured you that he would not do this same thing again in the future. While he asks what you need from him...you haven't given him a real answer. Treat me with courtesy and respect....what you need to be asking him for is accountability and taking responsibility for the issues in the marriage too.

 

What I do see you doing is taking responsibility for HIS complaints...you talked too much about your work. Common complaint actually...it's one that just about everyone hears when someone is looking for something factual to throw out there. Everyone talks or complains about their work....so much so that it is a validation or justification to have an affair....I think not.

 

Not saying to not do the MC....definitely do it. But please be aware that the potential of infidelity cannot and should not be swept under the rug. This is not about what eggshells IGB needs to be walking on in order to please her husband to "guarantee" that he will treat her right and not seek out other women to be with. This is about what does IGB and Mr. IGB need to be doing to fix the issues in their marriage and ensure that Mr. IGB understands that seeking out other women while in a marriage is inherently wrong.

 

When we love someone, it is all too easy to be blinded by our emotions....we can forgive a thousand times but doesn't mean that the person we forgive learns anything other than the fact that they can get away with it. It's up to you to decide when to draw the line in the sand and decide that you deserve to be treated with courtesy and respect, and if he loves you back....he will see that and respect you for it...whether you remain together or decide to divorce.

[2sunny]

If your Ex truly wants you back and really wants to be with only you… They will be very much like they were when they first met or started to have feelings for you!

 

They will be single, they will pursue you, they will be sincere, they will be genuine, they will be open, they will be honest, they will make themselves available to you, they will call, text, email and communicate with you like they did before, they will initiate, they will make you a priority, they will make plans with you, they will talk about a future with you, they will want to see you and be with you like they did before, they will want to share and be a part of your life, they will gladly remove or climb over any roadblocks or obstacles that are standing in the way, they will be persistent, they will fight for you, they will put forth the work and the effort that is needed, what they say will also be consistent with their actions, they will do whatever is necessary, they will give it their all and their very best!

 

If your Ex is not doing all of the things I listed above… Your Ex is does not want you, your Ex is not interested in you and your Ex is not trying to get back together with you!

 

this is very true... are you seeing ALL of this from your husband?

[itllgetbetter]

I was playing with my 5 year old niece yesterday afternoon. And she said/asked, in the context of a past board game we'd played weeks ago in which I "cheated" (bad auntie!): "Auntie X, if a friend of yours cheated, would you want to be friends with them?"

 

Then she says "if a friend was lied to you (I jokingly tried to tell her I didn't cheat), would you want to be their friend?" (But after I did that I figured it's not a good idea to even jokingly cheat with a kid).

 

While I realize these things were said regarding a board game, I thought they were rather apropos of my current situation.

 

H called & left vm earlier this afternoon when I was out letting me know:

 

a) He's arrived back in town;

 

b) He's still got a cold (good thing I wasn't here to take his call, otherwise I may have said "let me bring you some hot soup that I've just cooked")

 

c) I was "in his thoughts this weekend"

 

d) to call him if I felt like it.

 

....... soooooooo .... looks like I'm STILL the back up plan - an excellent spot for a W to be in.

 

 

2sunny: Your honesty, as always, is appreciated. Believe me though, I'm not "pretending" he's coming back.

 

Lifesontheup: I'm having a difficult time reconciling my H's current behavior with the man I used to know. I'm working on it though.

 

Will reply to the rest of the posts later this evening.

[itllgetbetter]

Andyg99's post 238: It was the first time he's acknowledged that he's done something to be forgiven for. I was/am waiting for the right time to ask about what he needs "forgiveness for" - I thought it was a step in the right direction that he made that statement, so, I figured I'd leave it alone at that moment - but I'm sure it will be discussed within the next few weeks.

Edited September 26, 2011 by itllgetbetter

[itllgetbetter]

Andyg99's post 238 continued:

 

Re possibly telling me that M is over in front of MC:

 

My concern from an ethics point of view is that I've met with MC twice, and, H's meeting him later this week. It doesn't seem right that after meeting with me, and knowing I want M to continue, that if H meets him and tells him he wants M over, that he'd then meet with the two of us so that H can tell me M is over - it's as if he's taking the H's side, without getting my input into the decision, which, in my circumstances, is what happened since H never came right out and said he's considering ending the M.

 

I'd think a better way for the MC to handle the situation would be, if H tells MC that he wants D, to suggest to H that H & I TRY to resolve our differences, and if that can't be done then D may be necessary. But not to even try to help H & I resolve things - I'd like to think MC is there for more than someone venting.

 

Trippi's post #239: Mr. IGB understands that seeking out other women while in a marriage is inherently wrong. In fact, a few years ago, a former friend of my H's told him he's having an affair and my H's advice to him was to move out of the house because he's not being fair to his W & kids.

 

So, seems that H felt that if he moved out of our home and we separated, it was okay to have an EA with the OW, since I still don't know what happened with her. Which I think is crazy since, I agree with Andyg99 on this (as he posted previously), M people don't date.

 

2sunny's post #240: My H's not doing most of the list - he calls a couple of times during the week and he stops by our home about once a month. When he calls and I'm not home, he's persistent.

[trippi1432]

IGB - When is your first MC session?

[2sunny]

it

llgetbetter;3645761]Andyg99's post 238 continued:

 

Re possibly telling me that M is over in front of MC:

 

My concern from an ethics point of view is that I've met with MC twice, and, H's meeting him later this week. It doesn't seem right that after meeting with me, and knowing I want M to continue, that if H meets him and tells him he wants M over, that he'd then meet with the two of us so that H can tell me M is over - it's as if he's taking the H's side, without getting my input into the decision, which, in my circumstances, is what happened since H never came right out and said he's considering ending the M.

 

IF your H expresses that he doesn't INTEND to stay married while in counseling - then it is the counselor's job to move your H to being honest with you. he may not wish to tell you - he may want you to just figure this out on your own. he may want to be amicable even IF you do D.

 

you won't know unless you ask - point blank - especially with such a passive/aggressive type like him.

 

so ask! you need to know!

 

I'd think a better way for the MC to handle the situation would be, if H tells MC that he wants D, to suggest to H that H & I TRY to resolve our differences, and if that can't be done then D may be necessary. But not to even try to help H & I resolve things - I'd like to think MC is there for more than someone venting.

 

you can think that all you want - but the counselor can't MAKE someone DO things a certain way.

 

they can guide you two - and make suggestions... but you saying how the counselor should do this - is very unrealistic.

 

your H is going to DO what he does... that is for sure.

 

he's not likely going to be honest with you - we know that from his history... so it's up to you to ask pertinent and blunt questions if you want some of his truth.

 

best to ask questions that require a yes or no answer". that may help you decide his motives faster. if he avoids answering - simply say " it was a yes or no answer - so answer the question."

 

 

 

2sunny's post #240: My H's not doing most of the list - he calls a couple of times during the week and he stops by our home about once a month. When he calls and I'm not home, he's persistent.

 

he's not making effort that makes you positive that you are THE ONLY woman he intends to love! he's not into you!

 

move forward. all his BS is designed to have you standing still... you could be doing it this way for the next 20 years - while he goes on and does whatever he wishes - keeping you stuck in this same place.

[2sunny]

Andyg99's post 238: It was the first time he's acknowledged that he's done something to be forgiven for. I was/am waiting for the right time to ask about what he needs "forgiveness for" - I thought it was a step in the right direction that he made that statement, so, I figured I'd leave it alone at that moment - but I'm sure it will be discussed within the next few weeks.

 

stop waiting - you've waiting long enough... start asking!

 

fear has you frozen. step out of the fear... you need some truth to work with here. you can't forgive what you don't know.

 

the illusion that you've created is paralyzing - ask for his truth!

 

if you're to forgive - you need honesty!

 

did he have an emotional connection to his OW?

 

did he have ANY physical contact with her?

 

did he have sex with her?

 

what was he expecting from her?

 

why did things end with her - IF they ended?

 

is he feeling down over THAT expectation with her not working out?

 

what is he wanting from you now?

 

what is he intending to DO with you?

 

 

 

then YOU may have some info to make your decisions upon...

 

start asking!

 

even IF he comes back - and his heart isn't in it - because it his head is still somewhere else - you won't be capable of being happy together.

[andyg99]

So, seems that H felt that if he moved out of our home and we separated, it was okay to have an EA with the OW, since I still don't know what happened with her. Which I think is crazy since, I agree with Andyg99 on this (as he posted previously), M people don't date.

 

.

 

I know you're hurting and hanging onto any shred of hope... I think you are in major denial about a lot of things, especially when you keep using the term "EA" - face it, he slept with her. You are taking bits and pieces of information and trying to convince yourself that they are something positive - something as simple as asking a follow-up question is not possible because you are afraid what the answer might be. Look at your life now - it's full of pain, confusion and lies (those lies are from him and you to yourself)... hopefully the counselor will see this and help you open your eyes. The counselor's job is not to get you guys back together but it is to help you both deal with reality. You husband is a coward for letting you go on hurting like this, he should end it or go after you 110%, there's no inbetween at this point... please keep hanging in there!

[itllgetbetter]

Trippi: I've had two IC MC sessions - last one was last week. H has his later this week.

 

2sunny's 2 post: I doubt H will be amicable once we start discussing division of assets if we're going to D - I want to be "fair", but, I doubt he'll want that.

 

According to the 180, a BS should not believe any of what s/he hears and less than 50% of what they see (excuse the font - it's a copy/paste from the 180). This is why I generally don't ask a lot of questions since I don't know if I'll be getting the truth - and yes, I know that's not good, but it's the way I'm dealing with him right now. So, even if I ask him blunt questions, I may not get the truth.

 

Good point about asking for the yes/no questions.

 

Yes, he definitely had an EA to the OW. I don't know whether there was physical contact/sex.

 

Your questions, my answers in bold:

 

what was he expecting from her? I don't know.

 

why did things end with her - IF they ended? I don't know.

 

is he feeling down over THAT expectation with her not working out? I don't know.

 

what is he wanting from you now? I don't know.

 

what is he intending to DO with you? I don't know.

 

Andyg99: Yes, I'm hanging onto ANY shred of hope.

 

I'm not afraid of what the answers to my questions would be - I'm really waiting for the right time - part of it is that I'd like to ask them when I see him in person be able to judge facial expressions, etc.

 

I guess I want counsellor to give H a reality check and explain to him that things are always great in the beginning with someone new, but, after a while, it'll be the same, except, that I'm a pretty decent catch. Is that SO wrong???

 

Have a session with divorcebusters later this afternoon (this whole separation thing is VERY expensive!!!) - see, I really am trying everything possible.

 

Will post more later. Thanks for your responses and honesty.

[trippi1432]

Trippi: I've had two IC MC sessions - last one was last week. H has his later this week.

 

When is the one where you sit down together?

 

Have a session with divorcebusters later this afternoon (this whole separation thing is VERY expensive!!!) - see, I really am trying everything possible.

 

Will post more later. Thanks for your responses and honesty.

 

No one here said you weren't trying everything possible....we all know that you already did try everything you possibly could to save your marriage, we are just trying to convince you that he needs to put forth as much effort as you have. He is the one failing you and the marriage....not you. However, he has put enough blame on you to make YOU believe that YOU need to do the work when all he has really offered up are crumbs.

[2sunny]

Your questions, my answers in bold:

 

what was he expecting from her? I don't know.

 

why did things end with her - IF they ended? I don't know.

 

is he feeling down over THAT expectation with her not working out? I don't know.

 

what is he wanting from you now? I don't know.

 

what is he intending to DO with you? I don't know.

 

Andyg99: Yes, I'm hanging onto ANY shred of hope.

 

I'm not afraid of what the answers to my questions would be - I'm really waiting for the right time - part of it is that I'd like to ask them when I see him in person be able to judge facial expressions, etc.

 

there is SO MUCH that you DON'T KNOW. so - find out! start asking!

 

I guess I want counsellor to give H a reality check and explain to him that things are always great in the beginning with someone new, but, after a while, it'll be the same, except, that I'm a pretty decent catch. Is that SO wrong???

 

it's up to YOU to find out what you need to know. paying money to someone to find out what YOU could simply ask - is showing your weakness. look at actions. his words will be a lot of his lies.

 

his ACTIONS don't indicate he's in the M. you need to be realistic about his very little effort.

 

your H KNOWS what you are and what you aren't - you don't need a counselor (stranger) to try to convince him what you are about... and try to "convince him" that YOU are a good catch.

 

IF he wanted you - he'd be WITH you now.

 

Have a session with divorcebusters later this afternoon (this whole separation thing is VERY expensive!!!) - see, I really am trying everything possible.

 

this is the problem. there is no TRY - either DO or DO NOT.

 

at this point - it's a ton of DO NOT - because you aren't taking charge of your life. you aren't even willing to ask the questions - to which you should have had the answers to a long time ago. your H isn't ACTING as if he is in the M - yet you wait around for him to "try" and see IF he may still love you enough to "consider" being with you. there is NO ACTION in any of what you are NOT DOING.

 

start DOING some of these things.

[andyg99]

 

I guess I want counsellor to give H a reality check and explain to him that things are always great in the beginning with someone new, but, after a while, it'll be the same, except, that I'm a pretty decent catch. Is that SO wrong???

 

.

 

yes, it is wrong - if you need someone to convince your husband what a great wife you are what does that tell you? you are a smart woman, you have to see how absurd that is...

 

you have to get over the fear - the way you are heading now is that if you two do get back together you'll be going through this again... guaranteed.

 

Just curious - who has been making the appointments for the counseling, you or him?

Edited September 26, 2011 by andyg99