2sunny Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 itllgetbetter - your screen name - it won't get better until you start stating YOUR requirements that will invoke change. you have allowed him the room and space to do and say and demand anything he pleases - since you ALLOW him to participate this way with you (with no solid boundary) expect more of the same! when nothing changes - nothing changes. YOU must BE the change you wish to see. when HE made those critical comments in counseling - and then demands - YOU should have been saying "how dare you criticize ME - and make demands of ME at THIS juncture!" but wimpy gal stayed silent (old behavior) and bowed down to HIS cheap shots and demands (old behavior) and agreed like a desperate woman (weak = old behavior). start doing CONTRARY ACTION! or else you're sure to get your old life back - it's a guarantee! what are YOU going to DEMAND of HIM? what are YOU going to change? get busy changing!!!! has he even bothered to take YOU out on a PROPER DATE yet? Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 (edited) comments in BOLD Itlgetbetter, you are way ahead of me here so I wanted to ask yours and others advice. I started my own thread so you can see the tale but the short version of where we are now is that W left, been a month, she has doubts but is sticking to the decision. I think that when I had totally accepted it and was willing to split everything down the middle and call it quits during our discussion about finances she freaked out a bit. She says that she has doubts and enjoys spending time with me now, are best friends again and I look good. Do you want to be her girlfriend or husband? But she says she isnt looking for anyone new but doesnt want to feel guilty about meeting new men and I shouldnt feel guilty about meeting other women. She is done with you then She also says that after the 2 month course which she is doing and has to focus on she still waqnts to move out of her mums and get a place on her own - she wants to be on her own for 6 months. She wants to see who she can meet while you are on the back-burner, but it's ok in her mind because YOU can see other women! I dont get how she can be sure she wants to get her own place but not sure about our future. I wanted us to give each other a bit of space for a few months, work on being friends and not see other people but she doesnt want to feel guilty or have the pressure that we are ultimately working on getting back together. you work on getting back together by living in the same house and WORK on getting back together - it's that simple. She is sure about one thing - she wants to see other guys (or a specific guy)... sure, give her the space she wants, tell her she can have all the space she wants for the rest of her life because it's over... To me meeting other people is one of those things that you cant take back. It is disrespecting our marriage. I also dont think that we can come back from living apart in seperate places for so long. If she gets her own place for 6 months and we each get used to living alone I dont see how she could come home and it work again and pick up where we left off, I think all the old familiarities would end up being negatives. you are 100% right here! if she leaves the only reason she'll come back is because she hasn't met Mr. Wonderful yet and of course her "best friend" will take her back (until she needs more space again) I also have some major trust issues now. I think she is trying to keep the door open and have me as a safety net. yup If she comes back before getting a place is it because she cant find or affor one? if she comes back after 6 months in her own place would it be because she couldnt hack it alone? when I am working will she still be having contact or meetings with guys from the dating sites she is now on? yup Now I am working on being best friends again and letting her like the new me again and it is working, we talk like we used to when we were young but I am not sure that being her friend is the best thing for getting her back right now of if I am just helping her move on guilt free. I'd put my money on the guilt free thing Do I let it go and see how things turn out, have no contact, be friends and let her enjoy the new me or give her an ultimatum like I wanted to - space and no one else until xmas then an answer ?? how do you have no contact and be friends at the same time?? sorry about being so blunt here but I see you making the same mistake that tons of guys do... cut the nice guy stuff, give her the ultimatum and either work on the marriage or move on... you don't have to be a jerk, just let her know you are not her girlfriend and stick up for yourself!!! I just went to your thread - I just want to add a few things, I told you in that thread that your drinking needed to be taken care of above all.. hopefully you are doing that - your sobriety should be ahead of anything else, and that includes your wife... judging from her actions she sounds like she is done... keep doing whatever it is you are doing to stay sober and, as hard as it sounds, let her go... I think the longer you are not drinking the more clearer you will see this and everthing... Edited October 8, 2011 by andyg99 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 itllgetbetter - has your husband spent every week in individual counseling as much as MC? since he wants to make this work - HE needs to find out the reason he wanted (or THOUGHT) he wanted out of the M... and reconcile within himself what caused him to want to end the M. IF he's not doing the work to change himself, his experience, his perspective - then he's only offering you the same man that intended to end the M. is he doing that for his growth every week? weekly IC AND weekly MC? he's got to get honest about what needs to change within himself. YOU can't do that for him. you making him comfortable will not motivate him to make these changes and grow in the areas he needs to address... quite the contrary - IF you made him UNCOMFORTABLE... he would get more motivated to do the hard work he keeps avoiding. you are making him comfortable - enough so that he knows he's not going to do the work and you will still take back his broken self. it would be more useful to a healthy M if you told him "no more" until he changes by doing what's necessary for him to get honest, willing and in a place where he makes the effort to EARN your trust. without all that - you will not have a healthy foundation for the M. on a side note - "i'm too busy" isn't an excuse IF he holds this as a priority...BUSY people still make time for what is their utmost important things that are dear to them... Link to post Share on other sites
dawgfan Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Hey IGB - I've been reading your story & am so sorry about what you've been through. I know you must be glad to have your husband home - but it sounds like you're still dealing with a lot of uncertainty. You've gotten some pretty candid feedback here - I know it's because everyone sincerely cares about you. Have you heard of the book Love Must Be Tough? It has a lot to say about keeping your self-respect when a marriage has been threatened or a spouse's commitment is in doubt. Also, I found some articles on forgiveness and restoring trust when a marriage has been severely damaged. Maybe they'd help you take stock of where your relationship is at right now. Take good care, OK? dawgfan Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 update? what has counseling helped you two with so far? and what changes have you implemented to help the M get healthier? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 how is the counseling going? Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredReality Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Update? I'm with Sunny...you still around IGB??? Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 IGB, your support team is reaching out to you. They are wise indeed. Stop hiding. You are reducing yourself by giving your husband "cheap forgiveness" as it is. One day, you will pay the price of swallowing your justitified disatistifaction (to put it mildly). Look up that forgiveness term on the Internet. I am not in a place to provide a quotation at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 All: If IGB answers and is still checking her thread, I do hope that it is because she and her husband learned that it takes two to be in an equally responsible relationship and not because she is doing all she can to only please him. Pleasing another person due to fear losing them is a false front and one that will be discovered. When you can no longer be who you truly are around another person for fear of losing them, you have already lost them. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 All: If IGB answers and is still checking her thread, I do hope that it is because she and her husband learned that it takes two to be in an equally responsible relationship and not because she is doing all she can to only please him. Pleasing another person due to fear losing them is a false front and one that will be discovered. When you can no longer be who you truly are around another person for fear of losing them, you have already lost them. this is called being a victim - and a victim of self... by the choices that are made. trying to please others while making self unhappy isn't any way i choose to live - any longer... it's impossible to be happy while making sure others are happy - I can't be sure "others" are happy - so i must do this for myself - then take my happy self to others. what THEY choose is their decision... i don't sacrifice MY happiness for others - that isn't good balance. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 Outstanding point Ms. Trippi! Let's hope for the best. Unfortunately, for some chronic "givers," it may take multiple KO's to finially "get-it." Certainly did for me. Your support team is pulling for YOU, igb, and we have to be perfectly clear with you-- in order to promote your awareness of a pathetic dance you really WOULD NOT want to partake in, if you were cognizant of that possible fact. Best wishes to you, Yas Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts