I love you but I don't like you

[2sunny]

Andy: I agree that this post has great advice - and, thanks to all who've provided it.

 

I've thought equally about: (a) "are you talking about us or some other couple???" and (b) "if only I'd been a better W." But then reality kicks in and I know (b)'s not correct.

 

2sunny: he hasn't ENTIRELY removed me from his mind - he called a few minutes ago - and people, you will be SO proud of me - I didn't answer the phone when I saw it was him that was calling. Although I'm a grown woman, I'm VERY impressed with myself for not answering the phone. (I figure the slXXt must be busy on tues and wed nights since that's when he often calls).

 

Re not talking to family/friends about him: I went out for lunch with a girlfriend, and in the evening with another girlfriend, and didn't mention H a single time - I made an effort not to speak about him though. Not thinking about him - that's another story.

 

You sound like my mom - she asked yesterday "why do you let him upset you ... he's not worthy of your time." As well your statement: "recommended he take any and all that he offered to HER" is also similar to my mom's statement re my H, which was: "do you think he'd DARE speak that way to her?"

 

Btw, are you a motivational speaker? I'm referring to the advice on taking back your power, etc.

 

Am exercising, eating well, and losing more weight.

 

right on! you go girl! keep looking out for YOUR best interest! understand that their will only be room for a kind and decent man if you eliminate him from your thoughts and your life... then the right man will know you have room for him.

 

not a motivational speaker - wish i were... hmmm, that's a thought - and something i've not experienced yet. i speak to many small groups regularly - but it's not a paid service... it's merely to be helpful to others.

[itllgetbetter]

Had a IC session this evening. It didn't start off so well. Dr. suggested (and make sure you're sitting down for this one), and I kid you not, that I go to a "spa in Europe for relaxation". It'd be very effective I was assured. That sounds SO affordable, especially in light of the legal fees that may need to be expended to deal with this domestic situation, or, more accurately, the lack of one.

 

And then came the rather unpleasant dose of reality: reconciling w/ H was referred to by him as a "faint hope" (I didn't even ask this guy to predict the future!), I was referred to as being "abandoned, betrayed, left alone and used". He was not at all impressed with the overnight visits as that it'd just confuse me. No need to worry though as H won't even come home to pick up his mail.

 

I forgot to mention, a couple of weeks back, my parents had a couple visiting them. It was the wife's 2nd M. Her first H cheated on her, she took their kid and left him. A few years later, she M H no. 2 who's a FABULOUS guy.

 

Re the decent man: Absolutely NO interest in that whatsoever. In fact, sometimes I wonder WHY I'd ever want to get involved with someone again after this situation. And, I've read that 2nd M's have a higher D rate than 1st M's.

Edited August 4, 2011 by itllgetbetter
additional info.

[andyg99]

Had a IC session this evening. It didn't start off so well. Dr. suggested (and make sure you're sitting down for this one), and I kid you not, that I go to a "spa in Europe for relaxation". It'd be very effective I was assured. That sounds SO affordable, especially in light of the legal fees that may need to be expended to deal with this domestic situation, or, more accurately, the lack of one.

.

 

wow! a spa in Europe! LOL... maybe he thought you were Maria Shriver and you were breaking up with Arnold and had a few million lying around to play with!

[itllgetbetter]

Trippi: I reviewed the 180 again today. When I first read it back in early June, I thought it was the "secret" to a successful reconciliation. But then I realized it's for me.

 

Before I read the 180, I did a lot of the opposites of it. And guess what? They didn't work! In fact, they failed miserably -too long and embarrassing to discuss.

 

I was doing well with not phoning/e-mailing him but when he phoned/e-mailed, I took that opportunity to point out good points in marriage. I foolishly thought that hard facts would enlighten him. They had the opposite effect however.

 

So, now I'm REALLY going to stick to the 180. And I mean it this time.

 

Re the successful 180 blog: I was laughing as I read it and was thinking "that woman's got guts." Re her post of Jan 18, 2002: Problem is, my H's smart, stubborn and more recently, proud. If he were to come back, apologize profusely and want a 2nd chance, and I were to tell him I needed to think about it, I think he'd be rather offended. What comes to mind is his comment a few weeks back about him being the one that's in control now. Part of me thinks that if he wants to feel in control, let him, if it means him coming back - so long as he's trustworthy and respectful.

 

Andy: your take on the European spa was even funnier than when the Dr. suggested it.

[chalkfarm]

Had a IC session this evening. It didn't start off so well. Dr. suggested (and make sure you're sitting down for this one), and I kid you not, that I go to a "spa in Europe for relaxation". It'd be very effective I was assured. That sounds SO affordable, especially in light of the legal fees that may need to be expended to deal with this domestic situation, or, more accurately, the lack of one.

 

And then came the rather unpleasant dose of reality: reconciling w/ H was referred to by him as a "faint hope" (I didn't even ask this guy to predict the future!), I was referred to as being "abandoned, betrayed, left alone and used". He was not at all impressed with the overnight visits as that it'd just confuse me. No need to worry though as H won't even come home to pick up his mail.

 

I forgot to mention, a couple of weeks back, my parents had a couple visiting them. It was the wife's 2nd M. Her first H cheated on her, she took their kid and left him. A few years later, she M H no. 2 who's a FABULOUS guy.

 

Re the decent man: Absolutely NO interest in that whatsoever. In fact, sometimes I wonder WHY I'd ever want to get involved with someone again after this situation. And, I've read that 2nd M's have a higher D rate than 1st M's.

You need a new shrink. As others have told me, your shrink is not God and one must often try on several before a fit is found.

[trippi1432]

I would tend to agree with chalkfarm here...get a new counselor..this one wants to take you to the bottom of the pit to hit the insurance claims. A real counselor explores both sides...even if you are the only one in the room..they do not give validation and affirmation to just what you are feeling until you can bring evidence....they either know the other person involved or you have concrete evidence in hand as factual.

[itllgetbetter]

H called me at the office today while I was chatting on phone with a girlfriend (love call display!) Saw his no. and didn't answer . He never actually asked me to return yesterday's call or today's, so, I didn't. I'm making progress.

 

Chalkfarm & Trippi: he's a psychologist, not a shrink. I think I'll stick with him - we'll all get a good laugh. But seriously, it was a dose of reality that I needed - brought me out of la la land. One thing about me is that when I give information to someone in order to get advice, I try to present all the relevant facts in a fair and balanced manner, not just the ones in my favor - otherwise it's garbage in, garbage out. When he made the "used" comment, that was in reference to the 2 sleepovers we've had when H left afterwards.

 

Finally, he gave me a couple of good pieces of advice.

[trippi1432]

H called me at the office today while I was chatting on phone with a girlfriend (love call display!) Saw his no. and didn't answer . He never actually asked me to return yesterday's call or today's, so, I didn't. I'm making progress.[/Quote]

 

Call display is a blessing..roll to voicemail. Outlook rules are great too...my exH would email me when I wouldn't pick up the phone. I bounced them to my home email so I wouldn't have to deal with them while I was in the office and working. Even more, I made a call to my cell company and had his number blocked so he couldn't call my cell or send me texts. I still had to "deal" with him...but I made it on MY terms...after all, these were his decisions to graze in a different pasture. For me, once my exH DID partake of his OW who he claimed was his soulmate...the calls, the blame, the hatefulness got worse. More so because he was fighting with himself and the decisions he made.

 

Chalkfarm & Trippi: he's a psychologist, not a shrink. I think I'll stick with him - we'll all get a good laugh. But seriously, it was a dose of reality that I needed - brought me out of la la land. Tne thing about me is that when I give information to someone in order to get advice, I try to present all the relevant facts in a fair and balanced manner, not just the ones in my favor - otherwise it's garbage in, garbage out. When he made the "used" comment, that was in reference to the 2 sleepovers we've had when H left afterwards.

 

Finally, he gave me a couple of good pieces of advice.

 

Perhaps that comment was to get you prepared for what could happen and how you will feel about those sleepovers later.

[2sunny]

When he made the "used" comment, that was in reference to the 2 sleepovers we've had when H left afterwards.

 

Finally, he gave me a couple of good pieces of advice.

 

it's true - i have felt used - when i betrayed MYSELF - and what was in MY best interest... things that i used to ALLOW - i just don't need to do those things to myself anymore.

 

if i'm not going to look out for MY best interest - why would someone else do that for me?

 

i've got a boundary now - one that doesn't allow me to betray myself!

[yessy21]

Hes smart. he knows that since this other woman is sleeping with other people that it wont work out. so he keeps u in the side line waiting hoping and knowing that u do want to work things out.

 

hes sleeping with her. For sure. hes attracted to her bad self. but he knows that its wrong and he doesnt know how to be alone after all this time.

 

hes full of it. my suggestion is ... let it gooooo.... by it i mean him.

 

what he has done is disrespectful in the book of marriage and once all respect goes out the window so does the rest of ur marriage. its hard but u dont want to spend years of ur life unhappy. i did that and i almost died unhappy.

[andyg99]

i've got a boundary now - one that doesn't allow me to betray myself!

 

excellent! that boundary should be imovable... when we can set and enforce our boundaries then we are on the way to healing (or even healed), boundaries are what keeps us from ever being doormats again....

[coolheadal]

2011 is a bad year for being with someone who don't love you any more. Who does love you but not as you want it to be. This is what happen to me. I am not going to make it bother me but just something I have to put behind me and lock it up.

[itllgetbetter]

Saw lawyer today. I asked him if I could get the "nice" car back from my H since that's what we'd to agreed back in May - that he'd use it for 1 month and then we'd switch cars, but H subsequently renegged on agreement - both our cars are jointly held. Lawyer said "just sell your car and lease a new BMW - that'll drive him crazy". I explained to him that I didn't want to be incurring unnecessary expenses in light of the fact that I may have to pay H some $ for the house and legal fees. Lawyer still didn't see the difficulty with getting the BMW.

 

I know, cars are the LEAST of my concerns now. I'm just upset about the fact that he's driving the slXt around in the car I found.

 

Interestingly though, lawyer said: (a) if it wasn't for idiots, he'd be out of business; (b) he rarely sees people reconcile at this stage; © H's that leave their W's rarely start the paperwork for a D - because they're having their cake and eating it too.

[itllgetbetter]

H called and left another vm this afternoon - 3rd msg he's left in 3 days. He called again later in the afternoon and phone no. was blocked - I've got a couple of friends whose no's are blocked so I answered, although it occurred to me that it's possible it's also him. H asked why I hadn't called back & I explained that he never asked me to. He sounded down & I asked how he was feeling. He said he didn't feel "any different" from when he left the house.

 

He asked what I'd been up to this past week & all I could think of was the plays I'd seen - I forgot entirely about all the other social activities I'd done.

 

He asked how our nieces were, and I told him that the older one said she missed him. He asked what I told her. At that point, I got chocked up, and explained that I'd said "I miss him too."

 

And I'd been doing reasonably well until that point.

 

Which brings to mind his phone call of last week: He asked me if I had any "dates" lined up for the weekend. "No" I said. I thought "really, what kind of world are we living in when a H asks his wife if she has any "dates!"

 

Then I wasted some time wondering if he'd asked me that hoping I did, that way he wouldn't feel guilty.

[2sunny]

H called and left another vm this afternoon - 3rd msg he's left in 3 days. He called again later in the afternoon and phone no. was blocked - I've got a couple of friends whose no's are blocked so I answered, although it occurred to me that it's possible it's also him. H asked why I hadn't called back & I explained that he never asked me to. He sounded down & I asked how he was feeling. He said he didn't feel "any different" from when he left the house.

 

He asked what I'd been up to this past week & all I could think of was the plays I'd seen - I forgot entirely about all the other social activities I'd done.

 

He asked how our nieces were, and I told him that the older one said she missed him. He asked what I told her. At that point, I got chocked up, and explained that I'd said "I miss him too."

 

And I'd been doing reasonably well until that point.

 

Which brings to mind his phone call of last week: He asked me if I had any "dates" lined up for the weekend. "No" I said. I thought "really, what kind of world are we living in when a H asks his wife if she has any "dates!"

 

Then I wasted some time wondering if he'd asked me that hoping I did, that way he wouldn't feel guilty.

 

nothing's changed - he's only contacting to manipulate and control you.

 

it's designed to make sure you sit around and wait for him to "make up his mind" make sure he still has all the power. make sure he still has you on his back burner. he calls most likely when his OW is mad at him. he also thinks you may still have sex with him if he catches you at a weak moment.

 

so stop allowing him to do this!

 

if he calls under a blocked number simply ask "what do you need?" if he makes small talk - tell him he gave up the right to know what you are doing and with whom - when he decided to cheat. no need to call you unless their is an emergency and he's in the hospital.

 

tell him you will not discuss personal info with him unless he intends to DO ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to repair the damage HE has caused! until then - and after a LOOOONG while of HIM getting counseling - then and ONLY then - IF he has PROVED with his actions and his words - that he intends to be a new and better man (making YOU his ONLY woman and the intent to be faithful) - their is no reason for him to play this game with your emotions.

[itllgetbetter]

Trippi: you've got to be quite determined to do all that, as well as technologically inclined. I'm not quite there yet, on either front.

 

2sunny: excellent motivational speech.

 

Yessy: As foolish as this is going to sound, I'm not sure he's slept with her yet and I think part of the reason he's sounding down is because she's stringing him along. And yes, he's been totally disrespectful. However, part of me thinks he doesn't think he's been THAT disrespectful since he moved out of the house - like I've said before, apparently that makes it all okay.

 

Andy: speaking of doormat - I REALLY wanted to invite him over for dinner tonight but didn't - I figured if he wanted to see me, he'd ask. But, he didn't.

 

Earlier in the evening, a friend came over to look at something in my house. When he was leaving, I said I was going out too so I cound throw out the recycling. He says: "I'm going outsied and can take that too." I did a double take and looked puzzled for a minute thinking "no one's EVER offered to do that" - by "everyone", that's a reference to H. I was surprised.

 

Coolheadal: Sorry to hear about your situation - you've developed a good attitude about it - it definitely sounds like you're moving on.

[2sunny]

well - poor baby - he's no longer getting his cake and eating the ice cream with it.

 

he's trying to bait you. don't do it.

 

and you're that UNACCUSTOMED to a man doing something nice for you? what the hell has your husband been doing all these years? HE should have been nice to you all along - and that includes DOING small, kind gestures of decency regularly!

 

your H has you trained to be his doormat.

 

most men are loving and nice... you just happened to pick one with a selfish nature - a sense of entitlement - and a big ego = none of which are nice at all.

 

you've been living with a jerk - and you don't even recognize him as the jerk because that is your sense of "normal"

 

normal SHOULD be that man that DID DO kind gestures.

 

you've gotten things back wards. time to change things around so you can expect a man to treat you with decency, respect and love!!!

 

and i can't tell - but the motivational speaker comment isn't coming to me as a compliment... i'm trying to be helpful - and help you see what you aren't willing to admit to yourself.

 

stop helping your H treat you like dirt! YOU are allowing it - even inviting it in to your life.

 

WHEN you cut out that negative energy = it makes room for the positive energy to come in to your life - which, in turn, includes decent and kind men.

 

and it matters not IF he's slept with her - he's risked your M for this gal to be HIS priority over you, the family and the M - that is quite enough!

[itllgetbetter]

2sunny: I can be a bit thick sometimes - how was he trying to bait me? I'm guessing it was his Q about what I said to my niece when she said she missed him?

 

My H didn't do nice things for me on a regular basis - yes, he'd get me cards on holidays, bdays, etc. and write something nice in them (except christmas 2010 and whatever he wrote could've been written in a card he'd given his secretary) & when we were on vacation twice bought me jewellery that I liked, & sometimes go out and get us coffee on sat. mornings - either he did that or I did that.

 

Other than his less than 3 minutes of chorse a day, he didn't do anything around the house. I did all the banking/finances and occassionallly I'd try to explain the financial matters to him but he wasn't interested. One thing he did was speak to our financial guy 1 x / year about retirement funds. He's VERY selfish - comes by it honestly - gets it from his dad but he doesn't see that he's selfish.

 

When the guy offered to take out the recycling, it reminded me of a movie called "friends with money" with Jennifer Anniston & Catherine Keener. Keener's married to a guy who's somewhat insensitive. At one point in the movie, she stubs her toe and says "ouch". It surprised her that he didn't ask if she was okay and he thinks it's not necessary to ask if she's okay. They end up separating, she later stubs her toe again, says "ouch", and the cleaning lady rushes in and asks if she's okay. Keener then realizes that it's normal for someone to ask if she's okay after saying "ouch."

 

A couple of days before he left to visit his mom, we were having dinner and I said to him he looked very sad. In that discussion, he said something like I don't appreciate the work he does. I told him that's not correct and in fact, the night before (this was great!), I'd said "thanks for always working so hard - I appreciate it - it must be difficult to have to cut the vacation short to have to work" - we had to cut short our trip to see his mom because something came up for him in the office before we were scheduled to leave, and, as it turned out, I was uninvited from that trip.

 

Then I asked him what it was he appreciated about me. His response (no exaggeration!) "what's there to appreciate?" My response (amazing that I was so restrained): "it's unfortunate that you don't think there's anything to appreciate. However, somethings you could be thankful for are: you have a wife who loves you and is loyal to you, who always helps you on a daily basis by taking care of the house, grocery shopping, banking, doing most of the chores to have us function (dry cleaning, etc), is well educated, works full-time and earns a reasonable income, etc." H's response: shrug and say something like: "that's okay."

 

His big ego only developed last October 2010. Prior to that, he was very humble and down to earth - but still selfish. For example, years ago when I was in another job and I had to work late, he'd say "try not to make too much noise when you come in so that you don't wake me." When the tables were turned and it was him who had to work late from time to time, I'd either pick him up from his office or from the subway station. Me picking him up was recently referred to him by a "division of labour". At which point I felt like banging my head against the wall.

 

Re having sex: he's made it clear that he doesn't want to come to the house so, there isn't going to be any sex.

 

Re him getting counselling: he's going to a shrink 1 x / week but I don't think he's being honest with the shrink. For example, I'd bet that he didn't tell shrink he's living in the same bldg as OW. I also doubt he's told the shrink much, if anything, about the OW. I'd bet his storey's something like: "my wife's so difficult - all she does is talk about work and complain. I'm not happy with the M". However, shrink's not a fool and can see that my H's dropped about 30 lbs & is going through a mid-life crisis.

 

I meant the motivational speech as a compliment - it's helpful to read what you've written - it gives me a reality check.

[trippi1432]

Trippi: you've got to be quite determined to do all that, as well as technologically inclined. I'm not quite there yet, on either front.

 

Actually, I got that advice here on LS due to the hatefulness I was having to put with when my exH moved in with his AP. There was a time when to be able to talk about our son, I "had" to listen to how much she made him happy, even down to his new-found sexual abilities due to his affair fog. It took over a year, blocking him, ignoring his calls and telling him point blank "I am not your wife and I don't have to put up with you or that tone of voice anymore" for him to finally get it.

 

So the advice I am giving here is more to protect yourself from listening to the things you know he is saying that are not true. Those things are a rewrite of the marital history as you knew it to be. As you stated, he began going through the issues back in 2010 and now you are seeing things that you tolerated as well. Whatever he is telling his counselor is going to be to put himself in his best light because, at this time definitely, he can't even be honest with himself.

[itllgetbetter]

Trippi: re putting himself in the best possible light: Back in June, I asked him if he'd told his shrink something (I don't recall what it was) and he replied "I'm not there to plead your case." I explained to him that if he's going to seek guidance from someone, it's important to give them all the information so that they can give an informed opinion. He agreed that that "made sense" but I'm certain he still puts his own spin on things & leaves out important details. For example, when he visited his mom back in May, he didn't say a word to her about the OW. Just that he wasn't happy in the M.

 

Re hatefulness: during yesterday's phone call, my husband said something like "I would've liked to have done that with my kids". I ended the call after that comment which I though was really mean since I can't have kids.

[2sunny]

he's just appearing mean, dishonest and selfish... why would you even want that anyway?

 

i would stay as far removed with as little interaction as possible.

 

that way - you can take care of you - and let him find another gal that will "serve him" better than you did. of which - he will find out after MUCH searching - that no one is going to care for all his needs and wants as much as you have. my exH found out the hard way... i did everything to please him - all at the cost of losing myself, my happiness and my best interest. even today - six years later after it ended (after 20 years of M) he still tells family and friends that he wished he could have me back. he's married! soooo, he's still always betraying his W - it's just a new woman and no longer me he betrays. let him be on his own with his own self misery - that HE created! stop listening to him belly ache about "how lonely he is" - that's his way of saying "i'm not getting everything just the way i thought i would" ya? ---> well, no $hit!

 

you can't change HIM - you can only change what you do - changing what you DO will change how you feel!

 

don't depend on him for YOUR happiness... you are obviously a very capable woman - get out there and share that with the world = start living!

[itllgetbetter]

Was straightening up this afternoon and found some of H's handwritten notes about OW today (not somewhere where I would have easily come across them). Best I can tell, they were written in April. I can't decipher much of his handwriting but could read that she has an eating disorder.

 

So, as far as caring for his needs, I guess she won't be cooking much for him - which I know she isn't doing Mon-Thurs. since he's having meals delivered as per a diet plan. They also state that H really likes OW, she's beautiful (NOT!!), she likes and is attracted to him. And they also speak of H having given OW so much power over him. Notes also said that HE'S arrogant. Interestingly though, he speaks of choosing to stay with me. Didn't quite work out that way though.

 

I said in my first post on this thread that he's VERY intelligent. However, the notes he made are very adolescent. It's like he's possessed.

 

2sunny: your comment: "changing what you DO will change how you feel" - very true - for example, letting all those calls go to vm was empowering - it was a small thing, but it felt like I had SOME control. As well, he called a few weeks back on our wedding anniversary & left a vm saying something like: "Just thinking of you on this day, hope you make the best of it." And I didn't call him back - that too felt good. He called a few days later and gave me the "I miss you and I'm lonely" speech.

 

Did it bring a smile to your face when you heard that he wished he could have you back?

Edited August 7, 2011 by itllgetbetter
typo

[2sunny]

i didn't make me smile at all. he used to do that to me.

 

it made me feel sad for his new wife... as he is still betraying the woman he married (her) by not even appreciating being with her... and more importantly - still just talking trash being her back. same as he always did to me. his wife seems very nice - she deserves better than to be married to him - while he still wants to be with someone else (me). when he talks trash about her my friends just think he's the same unhappy man that will never be satisfied. he probably has another OW now - because he complains more when he has an OW - because he starts trying to find fault in order to relieve his guilty conscience. it's terribly mean and precisely calculated.

 

if he really wanted to complain - he should do it to her in private ONLY. talking bad about her to friends isn't nice. any good spouse makes their partner lifted up/feeling better for being with that partner - not torn down to feel badly.

 

he never appreciated what he had. treated me terribly while i worshiped the ground he walked on, did everything to make his life easy and amazing - only to find his narcissistic ways revealed he just never was capable of being happy - no matter how good he had it.

 

it appeared to everyone that we had it ALL. but every time he had anyone alone - he would talk trash of some sort about me by finding fault in order to look superior or gain the upper hand... that is betrayal in itself - mainly because he never told ME. he criticized plenty... as everything always needed to be PERFECT for him... to the point that i wasn't even allowed to wear my hair in a ponytail. it wasn't "sofisticated looking enough for him"

 

i have freedom now. it's awesome. i go where i want, with whoever i want, for as long as i want - and there's no one to tell me i can't DO whatever makes me happy! i should have realized this freedom when i was much younger. i was trapped in a living hell - with a demanding and demeaning man. i am a beautiful gal - on the inside and outside. i allowed a man to tell me otherwise for 23 years.

 

it look some dark days (two years) and some serious help to convince me i didn't need to believe those things he told me for all those years. i had learned that in order to have a man love me - it meant he was going to be mean to me. emotional abuse is a tough one to get past!

 

i unlearned what he taught me - and learned a new way to understand = that i could feel free, and happy just being ME. and that i was just the way i'm supposed to be... and that any man who is going to love me needs to always be kind and loving to me. it's not too much to ask. i live the same way with everyone i know... kind and loving. i DESERVE THAT!

[itllgetbetter]

2sunny: I'm really trying to get to where you and Trippi are at. Sunny, I'm very impressed with the work you must have done on yourself to reverse all the negativity after being with him for 23 years.

 

Not being able to wear a ponytail? That's REALLY controlling.

 

Yesterday I was at the park with my nieces and got all chocked up thinking of all the time he's missing with them and how nice it would have been to have him there playing with them - he adores them. Very unfortunate. I kept telling myself that he's the one who chose to move out of the house.

[trippi1432]

IGB - Healing takes time..you do it how YOU need to do it..not to someone else's timeline. You already have gatherers..to tell you how to "get over it", but strength is in you and always was, even when you were with him. The hardest part of letting go is knowing that you once loved what was, but it isn't your fault that he chose the path he did.

 

Please don't get way-layed on the path to self-righteousness to find yourself..you were never really lost from what I see in your posts. You have cited two totally different people here....one has a closed heart and tells people how to make her happy..the other keeps her heart open to the possibility of finding something of substance...whether is it love or just loving and accepting herself...that person hopes to only come here after five years to help people by not forcing the issue or dwelling on a man who deserves no more of my thoughts.

 

When you truly know yourself and your heart..you will reach indifference.....you do not reach it through hurt, anger or sadness...you go through those emotions to get to indifference....it takes time as at every corner there is a memory...when those lessen and you stop feeling anything for that person because they are dead to you...you will find your true self....and it will leave you open to finding the right person for you because you will be ready to feel life in you again.