Unpredictable parents?

[blue_ikat]

Hi everyone,

 

I feel my parents are unpredictable, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I need to set boundaries with them. I'd really, really love to hear any advice or thoughts on how I should deal with this.

 

Basically, I feel I have three options: 1) Talk honestly with them about how I'm feeling and how they act, 2) Tell them I have limits and expect them to respect those limits, or 3) Just set limits without discussing the issues.

 

I'm in my mid-twenties, self-supporting except for health insurance and occasional gifts from my parents (my job doesn't offer health insurance). I'm an only child, I live a few hours' drive from my parents. I've lived on my own since leaving for college. I love my parents, and I'd like to have a better relationship with them, but I feel so much pressure and distress from communicating with them. They call almost every day to ask what I'm doing, where I'm going, etc. They say they "miss me SO much" and want me to visit more often (but when I do, they just want me to hang around the house while they do other things!). They pressure me to take a specific career path. Ironically, just as I am about to tell them that a relationship is becoming serious, they've started picking out men they want me to date.

 

Part of the problem is that they had *extremely* high standards for me as a child/teen. I was a high achiever and terrified of disappointing them. They screamed at me, called me an embarrassment, ungrateful, lazy, and mocked me when I would cry. Even as recently as last year, I forgot to do something my mom expected, and we had an argument where I was called selfish, childish, unloving. But the few times I've brought these moments up, they say they don't remember it! Then sometimes, they want to shower me with gifts, tell me how much they care about me, how they just want to protect me. It's confusing.

 

In a perfect world, I want them to acknowledge (and preferably apologize for some of) these behaviors. I want them to back off with the calls, the demands for visits, the gifts. I'd feel horribly guilty about cutting them out of my life because they are good people who gave me a stable home as a child and a lot of good advice as an adult. I'd like to be able to talk to them without feeling panic and fear. I just don't know how to achieve this yet.

[Almond_Joy]

I think your first option is the best. They may not be aware that their behavior makes you feel this way, and its better to give them the opportunity to change the behavior than to just start giving them the cold shoulder without explaining way - that will just confuse them and possibly give them justification to be angry with you.