Forgive but never forget.

[loveletters]

I suddenly feel the need to vent about my life right now, things that have been kept inside about the abuse I endured (& still do at times) while living at home.

 

That's what I was taught when I was growing up... to forgive and forget! I am now 23, living on my own, working 2 jobs. I was severely depressed as a teenager because my parents constantly argued (the cops were at my house at least 4 times a month, & they all knew us on a first name basis) my dad would always kick me out of the house for no reason at all.. I was constantly yelled & screamed at, even when I was a child.. My dad always told me how stupid and worthless I was.

 

I would stay locked in my room for HOURS on end, simple to avoid hearing my dad call me names, or scold me whenever I made something to eat - because he bought it with HIS money. It was HIS house. HE paid the bills. When I was 16 my dad was sent to prison for a year, and in that year My oldest brother (who was also physically and verbally abused by my father) started to turn the tables on me as well. He would punch me in my face/head, give me black eyes & call me names. He never let me eat either. That year I was close to being anorexic, because I was denied the simple luxury of FOOD. The only refuge I had was my boyfriend at the time (who I stayed with close to 8 years) who also turned abusive a year into our relationship. He broke my nose, burned me with my curling iron, stabbed me with his pocket knife, gave me numerous black eyes, a million bruises.. he would bash me in my head with his fists, rip my clothes, break any little thing that I owned, & he would choke me to the point of almost passing out. He also would hit my dog just to hurt me... I was constantly in and out of the hospital because of him. I have nerve damage in the left side of my face from being kicked so hard. That happened 3 years ago & I'm still suffering from it. My face tingles & goes numb at times... then I can't help but think about all of the sh*t I went through.....

 

I don't know where I'm going with this... but from everything that I described (and SO much more) I'm still stable & a very strong woman. I know it sounds so cliche... but I haven't turned to drugs, haven't had any kids yet & haven't been screwing around with different guys.. (Have only been with 2, my first & the guy Im currently with) There were times where I felt suicidal, I felt unloved, unwanted, uncared for.. but through it all, I've emerged a very independant & strong woman. If anyone out there is going through tough times, whether it be with family, or a significant other... YOULL MAKE IT. Don't let these people bring you down. They're so unhappy & miserable with themselves that they want you to feel it too. Don't listen to them or buy into their bullsh*t. You're worth so much more, you're NOT stupid & you are loved. Don't wait years like I did to leave an abusive relationship. I was blind, I was raised with abuse & thought that was the way of life.. ITS NOT. Moving away, Going to church, praying for & forgiving those who have hurt me has helped me heal these wounds that had refused to close for so long...

 

I want to be an inspiration for those who have been through hell and back, and are still going through it. I can relate to your parents not loving you, or caring about you. I know what its like to have the only thing you know hurt you...... youll make it, whoever you are... <3 God is with you.

[ddhousewives]

I am trying to divorce a man who phisically abused me then when he realized that was to obivious and he could get into trouble so it then turned into sexual abuse. We have children and I keep getting stuck with believing he wants to change and we can be a happy family again. I need to find strength to "not fall for it" or blame myself for his behavior. Was it hard to cut off communication after 8 yrs? I dont know how to do this with children

[Breezy Trousers]

We have children and I keep getting stuck with believing he wants to change and we can be a happy family again. I need to find strength to "not fall for it" or blame myself for his behavior. Was it hard to cut off communication after 8 yrs? I dont know how to do this with children

 

DD, you need a lot of support right now if you are going through a divorce. This is one of the trickest times for someone in your situation. I'm not saying that lightly.

 

Your husband could be suffering from a personality disorder. It's much more common than you might think. I'd suggest you read Sandra Brown's safe relationship blog, her fantastic (!!) book, "Women Who Love Psychopaths," and every blog on narcissistic personality disorder/psychopathy/borderline personality disorder you can find. I also highly recommend Melanie Tonia Evan's narcissistic personality disorder website and her free podcasts. If you do a search for "Downtown" on this website, you will find his posts on BPD (borderline personality disorder), which are very informative.

 

I also recommend reading Lundy Bancroft's book on abusive men, "Why Does He Do That?!" Knowledge truly is power. We can't handle a pattern effectively until we clearly see it.

 

Because you are going through a divorce, I recommend you purchase "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist." It's a newly released book written by an attorney who has seen all sorts of abusive relationships during the divorce transition.

 

Get all the information on this you can. Study!! Once you see the pattern clearly, it's easier to detach, not get reactive and set strong boundaries without getting hooked when their inner turmoil (increasingly) gets projected out onto you. That's 90 percent of the battle with an abusive personality.

 

Abusive personalities are attributed to all sorts of things. Lundy Bancroft attributes it to, well, patriarchy. That's one school of thought. While I'm no expert, I agree with the school of thought that says many abusers are actually suffering (?) from untreated personality disorders -- untreated because our society is still in its infancy in learning how to heal personality disorders. So, in view of our inability to treat this, many expects say that personality disorders are untreatable. This is important, because many people involved with personality-disordered spouses (who are low in empathy) test extraordinarily high in empathy! With such overly compassionate personalities, the partners will often spend years trying to help their abusive partner return to the way he was in the beginning of the relationship -- which was a fairy tale to begin with.

 

Again, it's controversial even among experts....

 

You're in a tricky situation with the children. I suggest you call a national domestic hotline and speak to a counselor for advice. I did that when dealing with a volatile situation over a year ago. I found the number in the back of Lundy Bancroft's book -- someplace out west, like Oregon or Washington. Can't recall. Anyway, the counselor gave me very effective advice. Perhaps you could call a counselor on a hotline and ask for input on communicating with your ex. They will refer you to a support group in your community, too. Personally, I didn't need to take that step so I can't comment on support groups, but you might find it extremely helpful in your own situation.

 

 

I don't know where I'm going with this... but from everything that I described (and SO much more) I'm still stable & a very strong woman. I know it sounds so cliche... but I haven't turned to drugs, haven't had any kids yet & haven't been screwing around with different guys.. (Have only been with 2, my first & the guy Im currently with) There were times where I felt suicidal, I felt unloved, unwanted, uncared for.. but through it all, I've emerged a very independant & strong woman. If anyone out there is going through tough times, whether it be with family, or a significant other... YOULL MAKE IT. Don't let these people bring you down. They're so unhappy & miserable with themselves that they want you to feel it too. Don't listen to them or buy into their bullsh*t. You're worth so much more, you're NOT stupid & you are loved. Don't wait years like I did to leave an abusive relationship. I was blind, I was raised with abuse & thought that was the way of life.. ITS NOT. Moving away, Going to church, praying for & forgiving those who have hurt me has helped me heal these wounds that had refused to close for so long...

 

I want to be an inspiration for those who have been through @#!*% and back, and are still going through it. I can relate to your parents not loving you, or caring about you. I know what its like to have the only thing you know hurt you...... youll make it, whoever you are... <3 God is with you.

 

 

Great post! Thanks for sharing your victory!! You are an inspiration! I hope your experience encourages others, LL.

Edited September 4, 2011 by Breezy Trousers

[codyevens]

but the cost of nothing. :-) :-) :-) :-)