Unfinished business

[sinkerswim]

How do you get past that?

What I mean is... all the plans we had together... we were talking of taking our annual vacation to the beach in September, not too long before he did this to me.

All the stuff we planned out for the future...what we were going to do when we retire. (long way off, I know)

But still....

I cant get past our future plans together. I just want to call him up and say...

"what about this..what about that?"

I know it wont help.

But I miss him soo damn much it hurts. I never dreamed this would happen to me. I never thought he would leave me. Its like a bad dream.

 

Why does he act like he never wants to see me again? By not talking to me when I call. I mean...its been over a month now since I called him. I want to call him again, to see if his mind changed about me.

He is very stubborn. What if pride gets the best of him. I dont know what to think.

He must hate me or something.

I hope he has guilty feelings for just letting me go like that. Never breaking it off with me...just that he needed space. HE didnt know if he wanted to break up...he promised he wont leave me hanging.

But he did.

Why? Why after 8 years??????

 

Im just having a bad day again...my memories are killing me today.

I am dreading this coming summer without him.

I just want to talk to him.

[Hushpuppy]

[font=courier new][/font][color=black][/color]I really feel for you. It sounds very similar to what I am going through. I have my hopes buried and that makes me feel better. One thing that really helped is family. Try to surround yourself with them. If not them good friends. My little sister is so great. She is 11 years younger then I am but we have such a great connection. I know I could move on, I know that it takes two to work things, but don't dwell on it. I know everytime I dwell on my hopes, I lose a pound. From my recent events I went from 5'5" 134 to 118. I have stablized for now. Try to do other things, do you have a pet? I have a dog and try to play and cheer myself up.

I hope this helps you. Good luck.

Gina

[midori]

What you feel about the loss of your relationship in terms of the plans you had is something separate from what you feel about the loss of the love you shared with your boyfriend. At least that's what I found.

 

For example, my most recent ex traveled a lot for work, in fact his job posted him overseas. So when I was with him, I got to travel a lot -- on someone else's dime. I love to travel. But when left to my own devices I tend to spend vacation time with my family, as we've always been close. Oh, and because I'm a broke grad student! I realized I miss the travel, so I found a way to get abroad myself for a week this year. It was great! And it drove home the fact that I didn't need this ex in order to do the things I liked doing, even though when we were together he facilitated those things.

 

Once I separated him from the things that being with him afforded me, I found that as a person in his own right my ex was far less appealing than I'd thought.

 

You can make your own plans. And you should! It's not really wise to build long-term plans for which you have no alternative if those plans are very dependent upon another person. Even if the love lasted, anything could happen, accident, illness -- and you could very easily wind up alone anyway. You need to know that you can do things in your own right, not just in the context of being someone's girlfriend or wife.

[johan]

I understand the pain you’re feeling. It seems like you’re accepting the loss and moving on from whatever hope you had for reconciling. It hasn’t been all that long since you broke up, so it makes sense that you’re still having a hard time. You’re so hurt, and I wonder what kind of scars you’re going to take with you into the future. The fact that he abandoned you and the intense pain you’re feeling have to be dealt with if you’re going to succeed the next time around.

 

I remember my worst breakup over 8 years ago, and I know that it affects me to this day. I still have difficulty trusting or really opening up. Sometimes communication is difficult because I’m having so many extra feelings about the things that happen with my girlfriend. I wish that I had dealt with it differently, and it makes me want to give you some advice:

 

Of course it will take a long time to recover. I DON’T recommend pressuring yourself to hurry up and get over it. But maybe you can start planning for your recovery. Maybe you can set a goal. If you have a goal to be happy in a healthy relationship with the next guy, then maybe you can start to come up with a plan to prepare yourself for it when it comes. You should be able to get TONS of ideas here on the forum for what steps you can take.

 

You know you’re going to have to deal with the feelings you’re having, and maybe some that you aren’t really aware of. You know you’re going to have to learn to trust. You know you’re going to have to have faith in love again. The last thing you should do is to let yourself become cynical or angry. You’re going to have to gain perspective on all this.

 

Some things that I wish I had dealt with better:

Are you holding yourself completely responsible for the breakup? (I mean emotionally. Of course, you’ll be able to say the right things rationally, but what about the emotions?)

Can you identify any anger you might be feeling at him for the way he’s shut you out? What about for other things that lead up to the breakup?

Can you accept the things you might have done to contribute without hating yourself for it?

If you think about the next guy, who may be a really great guy, are you going to be able to trust him at all? And are you going to be able to accept a good guy if one shows up?

[sinkerswim]

Thanks guys..

I just miss being around him and who he is.

He feels like a stranger to me now. I dont want him to be.

He was my best friend.

[TZ]

Sinkerswim,

 

I feel for you. Although my relationship didn't last as long as yours (mine was 5 months), it still hurts, because of the intensity. Abandonment and pain are really hard to overcome, if at all. It's been 3 weeks to the day, still without contact either way (except for his blank email).

 

We also had plans for the summer. He said a nice thing to me once in the coffee shop: "when you and I are old and retired like those folks over there..." (Of course, the sentence in itself doesn't mean that we'd be together, but he did mean it in the sense of us being together because of the context of the rest of the conversation).

 

We both liked to take road trips; now I'll have to find a friend who wants to come with me; all the while probably thinking to myself: "you could have been here with me, enjoying this scenery, bla bla bla..." I do appreciate my friends, but it's not the same as being with your bf.

 

The sentiments that you expressed in your first post are EXACTLY what I've been thinking and feeling, word for word, I swear! I begin to wonder if he hates me, doesn't ever want to see/talk to me. Especially since his last words were something like "I wish you the best in your life". Of course, a lot of heightened emotions were in play at the time, but I do tend to take stuff like that seriously, maybe too seriously. His tone was kind of angry with me (recall that he broke it off over the phone).

 

But you know what? Everyone says that time heals all wounds and they're right. Thousands of others have gone through this before. While we may never forget (and who can?), at least we can remove that thought from our minds so that it doesn't cloud our vision of what's really out there. You know what I mean? Something like "if you cry over losing the Moon, your tears won't let you see the stars"...

 

My worst times are still weekends. During the week, I can think of him and won't cry. Maybe because my mind is still focusing on the day's work, who I talked to at the office, what I said to such and such, and stuff like that. On weekends I chill out, and he's on my mind, and I still sob.

 

A lot of "what if's" come to my mind, especially because he pointed a couple of things that I could have done that might have salvaged the relationship. None of these were showstoppers, but he made them as such. I'm a person who takes her time doing things--it takes me a while to warm up to someone new, so maybe I was a little slow in some areas. But I was just taking my time and not rushing the relationship.

 

I wish my ex and I could still be friends some time in the future. Although I'm not one to be friends with any of my exes, I felt that with this last one, we had so much compatibility going for us, that it would be a friendship lost if we didn't rekindle that. Maybe that's why I need this no contact period, however long it takes, so that eventually I can talk to him about the friendship part.

 

I think that as friends, without the intimacy part, we would be better off, because then there's no expectation of how to behave, what to say, etc., like there is when you're trying to ... (I'm at a loss for words here, I want to say: 'accommodate', 'tolerate', 'impress', but none of these words seem fitting)...your significant other. What I mean is that as friends, you can "let you guard down" and if he says something that could possibly be insensitive, you don't really care. If you were in a relationship, you would probably take it more seriously and make a big deal out of it. You know what I mean? There's no pressure...

 

So...there's nothing I can say to make you feel better. We're all trying to help each other and hopefully by writing your thoughts and reading what others have to say, it will help you get in tune with your feelings and feel them out. Apparently, I've read that there's no set timeframe by which you should "get over your ex". But some say half the time the relationship lasted. But could you imagine the next 4 years for you trying to get over this? That's waaayyyy too long, I would imagine.

 

Take care,

[Heartfelt]

Originally posted by sinkerswim

Thanks guys..

I just miss being around him and who he is.

He feels like a stranger to me now. I dont want him to be.

He was my best friend.

 

Sinkerswim, I've read many of your posts for a while, and it really hurts me to picture that avatar of yours with such a pretty face and a pretty smile, and to know that you are hurting so bad Sweetie, it's his loss, ok? You have got to pick yourself up and move on. How are you doing when you're not in front of your computer or laying in your bed being sad about him? There's things that you do and times of the day where at least 5 minutes goes by that he doesn't come to mind. You have to focus on increasing that 5 minutes to an hour and so on. I know that pain all too well because I've just went through it myself and letting go is so f'in hard. It sucks! But you have to realize that he wasn't the only one out there for you. If he was, then maybe it would have worked out. But he's not. So you have to move on and find who is, ok Sweetie? Please pick yourself up and get on with trying to be happy and enjoying the little things in life. You had a life before him, right? Then you can have one after him too. All of us here are supporting you 110%. You WILL get through this. You just need to have some faith. You deserve everything good that is going to come to you with someone new, and it WILL happen. Now put a smile on that pretty face of yours and hold your head up You deserve to be happy.

[pixiegrrl28]

We are all here for ya. My boyfriend of three years just told me last night that he wants to start seeing someone else. Sinkerswim, you seem like such a wonderful person! It is truly his loss to treat someone like he has treated you. When there is no real closure it makes it so, hard for the person left behind. Just take it minute by minute to get through this. I would tell you to move on but, I know this is easier said than done!

[sinkerswim]

Heartfelt...thank you sooo much for your kind comments... it made me feel better! You are very nice!

I am trying to get out more. I mean...not out looking for anyone, but Im trying to do the things I enjoy doing.

I am a big fan of our American Hockey League team the( Wilkes Barre/Scranton Penguins)...and Ive been involved in volunteering for certain functions and stuff for them...I go to player appearances..etc.

Right now we are in the playoffs..so I have that to look forward to and traveling to some away games to see them play.

So thats been helping me out alot. At first when this all happened in February, I could hardly get myself to a game (And I have season tickets..many went wasted in Feb and March)

My fiance and I used to go alot together. I couldnt even look people in the face due to my depression and I cried in public ALL the time.

 

Anyway...I started getting back into it and now I am happy watching them play again.

My brothers ex wife and I also have a trip planned to Canada in June for a weekend..so Im looking forward to that as well.

Anyway..thank you for your support you guys.

I really really need it right now.

Its just all the pain of missing him. It IS pain. You guys know how it is.

I wish I can just pick up that phone and call and say..

"Hey...lets forget about what happened and lets go out for dinner tonite."

Oh well...

Someday he WILL be sorry. I treated him soo good.

 

Thanks you guys. I will be there for you as well...(I really dont give great advice though.. ) But I can listen and try.

[Heartfelt]

Originally posted by sinkerswim

Heartfelt...thank you sooo much for your kind comments... it made me feel better! You are very nice!

I am trying to get out more. I mean...not out looking for anyone, but Im trying to do the things I enjoy doing.

I am a big fan of our American Hockey League team the( Wilkes Barre/Scranton Penguins)...and Ive been involved in volunteering for certain functions and stuff for them...I go to player appearances..etc.

Right now we are in the playoffs..so I have that to look forward to and traveling to some away games to see them play.

So thats been helping me out alot. At first when this all happened in February, I could hardly get myself to a game (And I have season tickets..many went wasted in Feb and March)

My fiance and I used to go alot together. I couldnt even look people in the face due to my depression and I cried in public ALL the time.

 

Anyway...I started getting back into it and now I am happy watching them play again.

My brothers ex wife and I also have a trip planned to Canada in June for a weekend..so Im looking forward to that as well.

Anyway..thank you for your support you guys.

I really really need it right now.

Its just all the pain of missing him. It IS pain. You guys know how it is.

I wish I can just pick up that phone and call and say..

"Hey...lets forget about what happened and lets go out for dinner tonite."

Oh well...

Someday he WILL be sorry. I treated him soo good.

 

Thanks you guys. I will be there for you as well...(I really dont give great advice though.. ) But I can listen and try.

 

We have an ECHL team, Greenville Grrrowl. I go see them a lot. They've had a few players go to the AHL. We feed into Chicago. We haven't done too hot the past couple of years but a few years ago, we won the Kelly Cup 4-0. I love hockey, been watching a lot of the NHL playoffs lately. I'm pulling for TB. I want to see someone new win it. But ya, hockey is great to watch live. I bet it was hard for you since you were used to going with him. Well, no worries, you should always be able to find someone to go with, friends, family, (new date ). Ya I don't blame you for not rushing to find someone. There's no need to really, but don't close yourself off either. I thought I was ready, went out on a few dates, but I need to let my broken heart heal up and focus on college. I feel like I'm not going to be too fair to the next person until I'm completely over this last relationship. I'm getting better though, no more tears, and those 5 minutes have turned into 1/2 days. The nights and weekends get tough though. Oh well, the sun shines again tomorrow, right? Stay strong