His relationship with soon to be ex-wife

[NikkiVal]

How much contact is too much between a man and his soon to be ex-wife? The man that I have been seeing for 2 years is in the process of getting divorced. He and his "ex-wife" have an eight year old daughter and share custody. Let me give you a little background before you decide.

 

My S/O and I met on an adult online site. I was unhappy in my marriage and it was only a matter of time before we filed for divorce. My S/O said he was happy in his marriage, but was looking for some play on the side. I was told his wife knew about his extra marital activities. I later found out that she knew that he was sleeping with other women, but had no idea the extent of which it was happening.

 

ANYWAY…. He and I started chatting online in late March of 2009 but did not meet in person until the first part of June. It wasn’t long after our first meeting that we were talking almost all day, through text messages, and he was beginning to break the “rules” his wife had set for his playing. (the rules included not talking with his “friends” after 5 pm, when she was home from work or on the weekends, as that was HER time, and that he wasn’t to fall in love with anyone else) By the end of June he had told me he loved me and he knew I was the one he was meant to be with. By the Fourth of July, he told his wife he wanted a divorce. The fall of 2009 was kind of rocky, I had met another guy online (let’s call him “C”) and he had me convinced that he was looking out for my best interest and that things would not work out with my S/O. I tried to break things off with him but kept going back, I would go a couple of days without talking to him, but missed him terribly. Finally I knew I had to have him in my life, in November of 2009, we met and decided to work on things.

 

We moved in together in March of 2010. My ex-husband filed for divorce that month, and things were finalized in September of 2010. (My S/O’s “ex-wife” filed this past April.) Honestly, the entire past year has been rocky. In the spring of 2010, he asked me to stop keeping in touch with “C”, I honored his wish because I knew it bothered him. “C” had tried to come between us and I almost let him, are my S/O’s words. Last summer we were out of town, just the two of us, and his “ex-wife” text him about a softball game she was at. I was furious that he could not just ignore her. There really was no reason to respond, but he didn’t want to be rude. At this point, I had no idea how often or how much they were conversing. I tried to talk to him about it, that it bothered me. I couldn’t understand how someone who was happily married could leave her for me. They had things in common that he and I didn’t. They had been together 14 years and I just couldn’t comprehend the whole thing. I guess I had never had anyone love me as much as he said he did/does. This went on for a few weeks and we weren’t getting anywhere. I didn’t know what to think. I had asked about him filing for divorce and all I got was that he couldn’t afford it. What that meant to me was that he couldn’t afford the $200 filing fee. (I later found out he was talking about the child support and maintenance that he could potentially pay) As much as that hurt, I didn’t want to leave. I kept thinking if I could get him to talk about it, he would see how hurt I am and do something about it but every time I tried to talk about it, he shut down. By August, he told me they had cut back on the talking, which infuriated me as I knew they were still conversing daily. I can’t imagine how it was before they “cut back” So as juvenile as it was, I contacted “C”. I thought if my S/O can be friends with someone he used to have a relationship with, why can’t I? He had gotten to where he wouldn’t tell me if he had talked with her because it upset me. He said he was just trying to spare my feelings, so I did the same. I kept to myself my conversations with “C”.

 

I’ll speed this up a bit to April 2011. Things got out of hand, my S/O found an IM between “C” and I, it was very inappropriate, I admit. My S/O feels like I cheated on him, though I have not touched another man since November 2009. My S/O printed the IM and headed to work. He is self employed and keeps his office at his “ex-wife’s” house. He had left the IM on his desk and she found it, asked him about it and he proceeded to tell her what happened.

 

I have never tried to make excuses as to why I had a sexual conversation with “C”, I know it was completely inappropriate, unnecessary and hurtful to my S/O. I was felt like I second choice, I was still playing second fiddle to his wife. Even though he came home to me at night, he was talking with her all day. I had told him I had insecurities about them talking about more than their daughter, I was afraid they would be talking about things they used to do, people they used to know, ect. and he would want to go back home. Especially since the past year had been so rough. He still asks me why I felt I needed to do that. I have told him my reasoning and I don’t think he believes me, he says it doesn’t make sense. For months I had been thinking I wasn’t worth the $200 filing fee for the divorce and he couldn’t figure out why I turned to someone else.

 

I too am divorced with a 12 year old boy. My son has two "fathers", his biological dad and my ex-husband. My son sees both, his dad lives in Iowa and my ex-husband lives about 5 miles from us. I don't converse with the two of them as often as my boyfriend speaks to his “ex-wife”. I understand they need to communicate, in fact I encouraged it in the beginning, however it is definitely too much, too often. In addition to the texting, phone calls and whenever they see each other, every Saturday night is spent at the race track where my boyfriend is part of the pit crew along with her boyfriend. My boyfriend was part of this race team until they decided to split. In 2010, the team "fired" him. This year they asked him to return. The summer started with their 8 year old daughter playing softball twice a week, (where they went to the game and sat together, I stayed home). In May, the racing was added and will continue until September.

 

 

 

The thing that I find so frustrating is that I feel like I'm sharing him with her. Last night he came home and told me she was having car trouble. Why does he know that? She has a boyfriend, a father and 2 brothers. Why is she calling my boyfriend about her car? I try to talk to him about the whole situation and he tells me it's in my head. I just don't see anything changing or getting any better.

 

 

Is talking everyday too much, sharing information about our relationship, keeping his office at her place and helping her out around the house? Or am I being the overly jealous girlfriend and all my concerns are "in my head"?

[bentnotbroken]

I think until the divorce is final, your boyfriend is still her husband. It seems neither of you learned a different way to deal with your issues and you will continue to have poor boundaries and inappropriate relationships. Keep dumping the same trash, you will end up with the same mess....just in a different location.

[woinlove]

Your concerns are real and matter to you so they should matter to your partner. If you want a more exclusive or focussed R, I see a few challenges. Your SO said he was happy in what appears to have been an open M - has he made it clear that he wants to live differently now? Your SO didn't follow the rules agreed to in his M, so it sounds like he cheated - has he changed so that he can be more honest and respectful now? It takes time to completely move on from a long marriage but your SO didn't take any time and had overlapping R's. That makes it difficult to settle into a way of interacting with his stbxw which respects his new R and which you are comfortable with.

 

It is reasonable that you should try to discuss your concerns and why you feel your own needs are not being met. I would worry a bit though that he didn't follow the agreed rules with his stbxw and wonder what will be different this time. Perhaps if you have already had a lot of discussion about how he behaved and whether he has changed, this is not a concern and you can think in terms of trying to agree on the type of R you want and how close he will be to his stbxw. I have no idea what your SO is thinking, but from how you describe his M, his idea of boundaries in a committed R may be a lot looser than most.

[TurboGirl]

I think until the divorce is final, your boyfriend is still her husband. It seems neither of you learned a different way to deal with your issues and you will continue to have poor boundaries and inappropriate relationships. Keep dumping the same trash, you will end up with the same mess....just in a different location.

 

Agree with Bent on this one. Wow, what a messed up situation. Just b/c things aren't going your way, you can't keep contacting other guys... sounds like you are in need of the ego stroking there. I know that you know it was a mistake. Seems like some mistakes all around, unfortunately.

 

The office at the ex-wife's house, well, don't understand that one. He's not ready to let go, or not able to for whatever reasons. Technically, he is still married to the woman... and when you really examine the situation, could flip it and go back if he chooses to. Just sayin'. Sorry I don't have a better or more helpful answer here for you.

 

Anytime you are with someone who has kids or has been married for a long time prior to your arrival, there will be a past to contend with. Either you can get past it, or you can't. There is either trust, or not...

Hope you can sort it all out. I'm sure you'll get some good answers.

[whichwayisup]

Number one, his daughter comes first. Secondly, his soon to be ex wife IS the mother of his kid so SHE will be part of his life forever. This IS something you need to deal with. They obviously have parted on okay terms for the sake of their daughter.

 

You need to trust him and have faith that he will follow through on the divorce and learn to accept that he will be on friendly terms will his stbxw. If you react, act jealous, it'll push him away. It's not like he's out dining her, or spending the night back at her place, having pre divorce sex.. Her car broke down and he did a nice thing. Helped her out..The mother of his child, whom he isn't going to turn his back on..

 

If you can't trust him or are going to feel jealous/worried/hurt that he talks to his exW, or sees her on occasion due to their daughter, your relationship with him won't last long.

[KathyM]

How much contact is too much between a man and his soon to be ex-wife? The man that I have been seeing for 2 years is in the process of getting divorced. He and his "ex-wife" have an eight year old daughter and share custody. Let me give you a little background before you decide.

 

My S/O and I met on an adult online site. I was unhappy in my marriage and it was only a matter of time before we filed for divorce. My S/O said he was happy in his marriage, but was looking for some play on the side. I was told his wife knew about his extra marital activities. I later found out that she knew that he was sleeping with other women, but had no idea the extent of which it was happening.

 

ANYWAY…. He and I started chatting online in late March of 2009 but did not meet in person until the first part of June. It wasn’t long after our first meeting that we were talking almost all day, through text messages, and he was beginning to break the “rules” his wife had set for his playing. (the rules included not talking with his “friends” after 5 pm, when she was home from work or on the weekends, as that was HER time, and that he wasn’t to fall in love with anyone else) By the end of June he had told me he loved me and he knew I was the one he was meant to be with. By the Fourth of July, he told his wife he wanted a divorce. The fall of 2009 was kind of rocky, I had met another guy online (let’s call him “C”) and he had me convinced that he was looking out for my best interest and that things would not work out with my S/O. I tried to break things off with him but kept going back, I would go a couple of days without talking to him, but missed him terribly. Finally I knew I had to have him in my life, in November of 2009, we met and decided to work on things.

 

We moved in together in March of 2010. My ex-husband filed for divorce that month, and things were finalized in September of 2010. (My S/O’s “ex-wife” filed this past April.) Honestly, the entire past year has been rocky. In the spring of 2010, he asked me to stop keeping in touch with “C”, I honored his wish because I knew it bothered him. “C” had tried to come between us and I almost let him, are my S/O’s words. Last summer we were out of town, just the two of us, and his “ex-wife” text him about a softball game she was at. I was furious that he could not just ignore her. There really was no reason to respond, but he didn’t want to be rude. At this point, I had no idea how often or how much they were conversing. I tried to talk to him about it, that it bothered me. I couldn’t understand how someone who was happily married could leave her for me. They had things in common that he and I didn’t. They had been together 14 years and I just couldn’t comprehend the whole thing. I guess I had never had anyone love me as much as he said he did/does. This went on for a few weeks and we weren’t getting anywhere. I didn’t know what to think. I had asked about him filing for divorce and all I got was that he couldn’t afford it. What that meant to me was that he couldn’t afford the $200 filing fee. (I later found out he was talking about the child support and maintenance that he could potentially pay) As much as that hurt, I didn’t want to leave. I kept thinking if I could get him to talk about it, he would see how hurt I am and do something about it but every time I tried to talk about it, he shut down. By August, he told me they had cut back on the talking, which infuriated me as I knew they were still conversing daily. I can’t imagine how it was before they “cut back” So as juvenile as it was, I contacted “C”. I thought if my S/O can be friends with someone he used to have a relationship with, why can’t I? He had gotten to where he wouldn’t tell me if he had talked with her because it upset me. He said he was just trying to spare my feelings, so I did the same. I kept to myself my conversations with “C”.

 

I’ll speed this up a bit to April 2011. Things got out of hand, my S/O found an IM between “C” and I, it was very inappropriate, I admit. My S/O feels like I cheated on him, though I have not touched another man since November 2009. My S/O printed the IM and headed to work. He is self employed and keeps his office at his “ex-wife’s” house. He had left the IM on his desk and she found it, asked him about it and he proceeded to tell her what happened.

 

I have never tried to make excuses as to why I had a sexual conversation with “C”, I know it was completely inappropriate, unnecessary and hurtful to my S/O. I was felt like I second choice, I was still playing second fiddle to his wife. Even though he came home to me at night, he was talking with her all day. I had told him I had insecurities about them talking about more than their daughter, I was afraid they would be talking about things they used to do, people they used to know, ect. and he would want to go back home. Especially since the past year had been so rough. He still asks me why I felt I needed to do that. I have told him my reasoning and I don’t think he believes me, he says it doesn’t make sense. For months I had been thinking I wasn’t worth the $200 filing fee for the divorce and he couldn’t figure out why I turned to someone else.

 

I too am divorced with a 12 year old boy. My son has two "fathers", his biological dad and my ex-husband. My son sees both, his dad lives in Iowa and my ex-husband lives about 5 miles from us. I don't converse with the two of them as often as my boyfriend speaks to his “ex-wife”. I understand they need to communicate, in fact I encouraged it in the beginning, however it is definitely too much, too often. In addition to the texting, phone calls and whenever they see each other, every Saturday night is spent at the race track where my boyfriend is part of the pit crew along with her boyfriend. My boyfriend was part of this race team until they decided to split. In 2010, the team "fired" him. This year they asked him to return. The summer started with their 8 year old daughter playing softball twice a week, (where they went to the game and sat together, I stayed home). In May, the racing was added and will continue until September.

 

 

 

The thing that I find so frustrating is that I feel like I'm sharing him with her. Last night he came home and told me she was having car trouble. Why does he know that? She has a boyfriend, a father and 2 brothers. Why is she calling my boyfriend about her car? I try to talk to him about the whole situation and he tells me it's in my head. I just don't see anything changing or getting any better.

 

 

Is talking everyday too much, sharing information about our relationship, keeping his office at her place and helping her out around the house? Or am I being the overly jealous girlfriend and all my concerns are "in my head"?

He probably feels guilty for leaving the family, and that is how he is making the transition easier for them--by still trying to fill the role of husband to some extent, and definately father to their daughter. I can't believe he can't afford $200 for the filing fee. That sounds like BS to me. I think he's just dragging his feet to make it easier on the wife and kids. You were foolish to get involved with him. You broke up their family (and so did he, of course), but now he's feeling guilty about it and is trying to make the separation as easy as possible on them. I guess you'll have to wait it out. You're not really in any position to be calling any shots here.

[2sunny]

you seem to always need a man. be alone... for a long while without needing any man - in order to find out about yourself, your boundaries and how to find happiness on your own.

 

it's not his ex wife - they are still married! so until the divorce is FINAL - stay away... it's always messy if they aren't divorced (past tense). he can talk to her all he wants- they are still married - and his intentions show he isn't planning to file his divorce papers.

 

you are essentially cheating too... it's not one bit nice to be blatantly flirting with another while you are living with any man... so stop the bad behavior.

 

learn to understand why you can't be alone. it's not healthy to be so afraid that you always need a backup man. it's also very much not nice.

 

be alone. seriously.

[NoIDidn't]

I won't say that you are jealous, but I do think you are demanding a bit too much at the moment. These are things that you and he should have spoken about before he moved in with you. And you aren't exactly innocent with the "C" incident.

 

I think the talking to his W will continue and may even escalate until he feels that he can trust you (especially if it was so bad that he shared it with his W). Also there is the issue that his W let him sleep with other people. Do you really have any idea as to just how many people you were already sharing him with before he moved in with you? It doesn't sound like you are going to let him continue in a way he was accustomed and might just be the death knell for your R with him.

 

He and his W could still get back together. Filing isn't the same as finalizing a divorce. That, and many couples have started remarrying each other lately. I'm not saying any of this to discourage you, it just doesn't sound like a good match for you, or you for him. It seems really clear that the two of you got hot and heavy really quickly and no idea of the person you actually are. And it seems that the more you see of that person, the less you like.

 

I think he's finding that he liked his old life just fine. You did say he said he was happy.

[alexandria35]

As others have said, his ex is going to be in his life for a really long time, maybe for his lifetime. You have to accept this and stop trying to control everything about it right down to deciding what is they are and are not allowed to talk about. When you get mad because he wouldn't just ignore her or because she mentioned her car trouble to him, you come across as controlling and overly insecure.

 

Once you get to a certain age you have to accept that anyone you are going to be with has a history that didn't include you. My ex was on good terms with his ex who also happened to be the mother of his son. We lived just a few blocks away from her and they often had interactions that nothing to do with their son. My ex knew a lot about cars (one of the reasons I miss him now..haha) and so she would often mention car troubles to him in order to get his opinion. When she needed a ride to the airport she called him and he picked her up from the airport too. A couple of times when we were both at her place they talked and laughed a little about things they did in the past. I kind of liked hearing their stories as it let me know a little more about my bf and his history. It honestly never even occured to me to tell him that he wasn't allowed to help her or talk to her unless it was directly related to his son. That surely would have been a huge problem for him because he had some guilt for leaving her and his son (wasn't due to another woman) and he hadn't been the best or most reliable father since. To be honest I had some guilt about that too, even though it had nothing to do with me and I didn't even know him when they seperated. I know that doesn't make sense but it was because I had raised my boys without their father and I knew how hard it was sometimes. So in a way we both felt a little better when she presented an opportunity for him to help out.

 

OP I don't know what to say about his past of having lovers while still married and and the fact that he left his marriage very quickly after meeting you. Doesn't sound like he thought that through at all. He should have only left his wife if he was unhappy with her and his marriage was bad, not to go play house with a woman he had practically just met. Still I really don't think you should be trying to demand that he not be a friend to his ex. It is better for everyone for them to be on good terms with each other. I'm glad my ex and his ex were friends. It made it better for her and me because I don't think she would have liked me very much had I been demanding that my ex never talk to her or help her. As it was I liked her, she liked me and he never felt like he had to choose between us. No drama, no jealousy, no fighting. It was nice.

[NikkiVal]

I'm not saying he can't be friends with her or talk to her. I'm not trying to control him, but I'm not going to let him do to me what he did to her. She set herself up for a divorce when she allowed him to sleep with other women. If you play with fire, you're going to get burned. We have agreed to be in a monogamous relationship.

 

I am insecure about their relationship, as I mentioned he told me he was "happily married." Even I can't understand why he left her for me.

 

It's not that I don't want them to be able to talk, I just think that talking daily is excessive. She finds excuses to talk to him and does it because she knows it bothers me.

 

I guess I question why they are getting divorced if they can't go a day without talking.....

[woinlove]

I'm not saying he can't be friends with her or talk to her. I'm not trying to control him, but I'm not going to let him do to me what he did to her. She set herself up for a divorce when she allowed him to sleep with other women. If you play with fire, you're going to get burned. We have agreed to be in a monogamous relationship.

 

I am insecure about their relationship, as I mentioned he told me he was "happily married." Even I can't understand why he left her for me.

 

It's not that I don't want them to be able to talk, I just think that talking daily is excessive. She finds excuses to talk to him and does it because she knows it bothers me.

 

I guess I question why they are getting divorced if they can't go a day without talking.....

 

Maybe their open M was based on an underlying problem that weakened their M. But it sounds like he deceived his W and didn't respect the boundaries they agreed to and I suspect that is what really doomed his M. In other words, him and his behavior, likely played a key role in the end of their M. That is why I think he needs to change in order to have a successful R. You behaving differently from his W is not going to be enough if he hasn't come to grips with why he cheated and how he will manage to behave differently in the future. He, not you, holds the key to not treating you as he treated his W. Often counselling is an important step for people who really want to change the way they behave and treat others.

 

I notice you said his W filed for divorce. That, together with his behavior now, does suggest he is not ready to leave his M as others have suggested. His stbxw may be purposely contacting him, but it is how he is responding that is causing you problems.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm not saying he can't be friends with her or talk to her. I'm not trying to control him, but I'm not going to let him do to me what he did to her. She set herself up for a divorce when she allowed him to sleep with other women. If you play with fire, you're going to get burned. We have agreed to be in a monogamous relationship.

 

I am insecure about their relationship, as I mentioned he told me he was "happily married." Even I can't understand why he left her for me.

 

It's not that I don't want them to be able to talk, I just think that talking daily is excessive. She finds excuses to talk to him and does it because she knows it bothers me.

 

I guess I question why they are getting divorced if they can't go a day without talking.....

 

You my dear are living in a big dark hole if you believe you can control anything he wants to do. Maybe she did set herself up for divorce, but he is still the same man who participated in all those acts of sleeping with other women. That came from within him. And you are now in a relationship with this same person who has done what to deal with relationships in a healthy manner? Probably as much as you have done. You have several choices at your disposal.

 

a) suck it up and deal with the mess he is(plus his wife always being in his life.)

 

b)get help in learning healthy boundaries(this should be something you learn in spite of him or his issues)

 

c)walk away.

Edited July 31, 2011 by bentnotbroken

[Minnie09]

Yes, I agree he isn't ready to make the decision to get a D.

But at the same time he's bringing a double standard into the new R: While he is constantly in touch with his stbx, he is opposed to giving the same rights to his SO. It was him who said she couldn't have any male friends, or a friendship with C. And she respected his wish in the beginning. The reason why she crossed the line with C was that her partner crosses it constantly with his ex. Yes, they are still technically married, and yes, they have a child, but the extent of their contact is above average. Not cool. Especially, as I said above, because he wanted his SO to cut ties with HER exes.

 

I believe he doesn't know what he wants, though. And he lets his ex make the decisions for him.

Edited July 31, 2011 by Minnie09

[TurboGirl]

I'm not saying he can't be friends with her or talk to her. I'm not trying to control him, but I'm not going to let him do to me what he did to her. She set herself up for a divorce when she allowed him to sleep with other women. If you play with fire, you're going to get burned. We have agreed to be in a monogamous relationship.

 

I am insecure about their relationship, as I mentioned he told me he was "happily married." Even I can't understand why he left her for me.

 

It's not that I don't want them to be able to talk, I just think that talking daily is excessive. She finds excuses to talk to him and does it because she knows it bothers me.

 

I guess I question why they are getting divorced if they can't go a day without talking.....

 

 

Throw him back. Call it a test, if you wish...

 

The more you write about this, honestly - does not seem that he wants to cut the ties and move forward. In a sense, it sounds like you are holding on for dear life here. Sometimes to you need to let go and let the chips fall where they may. You know that you can't continue on in limbo for years on end, here, am I correct?

[bentnotbroken]

Yes, I agree he isn't ready to make the decision to get a D.

But at the same time he's bringing a double standard into the new R: While he is constantly in touch with his stbx, he is opposed to giving the same rights to his SO. It was him who said she couldn't have any male friends, or a friendship with C. And she respected his wish in the beginning. The reason why she crossed the line with C was that her partner crosses it constantly with his ex. Yes, they are still technically married, and yes, they have a child, but the extent of their contact is above average. Not cool. Especially, as I said above, because he wanted his SO to cut ties with HER exes.

 

I believe he doesn't know what he wants, though. And he lets his ex make the decisions for him.

 

 

Nope. She crossed the line because she wanted to. No one can make you do anything that you don't want to. She has poor boundary issues all by herself. Just as she can't make him do whatever she wants, he can't do it to her either. She made the choice to contact her ex. He makes the choice to contact his wife. If his ex had the power to control his decisions, I am pretty sure she wouldn't have let him leave her for someone else...silly isn't it?

[Silly_Girl]

If he will mess around on his wife, he will someday do the same to you.

 

Not sure that theory has been definitively proved.

[NikkiVal]

Yes, I agree he isn't ready to make the decision to get a D.

But at the same time he's bringing a double standard into the new R: While he is constantly in touch with his stbx, he is opposed to giving the same rights to his SO. It was him who said she couldn't have any male friends, or a friendship with C. And she respected his wish in the beginning. The reason why she crossed the line with C was that her partner crosses it constantly with his ex. Yes, they are still technically married, and yes, they have a child, but the extent of their contact is above average. Not cool. Especially, as I said above, because he wanted his SO to cut ties with HER exes.

 

I believe he doesn't know what he wants, though. And he lets his ex make the decisions for him.

 

 

"Above average" that is exactly what I have been trying to say. All I'm asking is that the contact be cut back, not be non-existent. I did cut contact with C, twice, because I knew it bothered him, but one thing that frustrates me is that my S/O can't seem to cut back on contact with his. It's to the point that I don't have any idea when they talk, how often or what about, because he doesn't tell me. Lying by omission isn't the same as lying in his book.

 

Just to clarify, my S/O isn't necessarily upset about the conversation that I had with C. He's upset because I lied to him about whether I was in contact with C, however, my S/O "lies" to me daily.

[Samantha0905]

I think until the divorce is final, your boyfriend is still her husband. It seems neither of you learned a different way to deal with your issues and you will continue to have poor boundaries and inappropriate relationships. Keep dumping the same trash, you will end up with the same mess....just in a different location.

 

My mother always told me, "trash in, trash out" and meant if I take trash in, trash is what comes out -- boy was she right.

 

You my dear are living in a big dark hole if you believe you can control anything he wants to do. Maybe she did set herself up for divorce, but he is still the same man who participated in all those acts of sleeping with other women. That came from within him. And you are now in a relationship with this same person who has done what to deal with relationships in a healthy manner? Probably as much as you have done. You have several choices at your disposal.

 

a) suck it up and deal with the mess he is(plus his wife always being in his life.)

 

b)get help in learning healthy boundaries(this should be something you learn in spite of him or his issues)

 

c)walk away.

 

b and c are the best options.

 

 

In retrospect, a lot of this is so much clearer. I don't think someone can move on to healthier relationships and thinking based on obvious moral truths unless they turn to God and put in a VERY CONCERTED effort once they've rolled around in the mud. It is a deep, deep hole from which to climb out. It can be done, but I think it should be looked at like alcoholism by the person in the hole. Hell, I can't even type this without feeling like I seem like one of those turned to Jesus murderers in prison.

 

To the OP -- it sounds like an unhealthy relationship following behind other unhealthy relationships. I don't know what you do, but I think Bent is right about this man and she's also touched on some truths about you. Since you both have cheated, you know both of you are capable of cheating right? I don't know how anyone has a healthy relationship that starts in this manner. It's always going to be there. I mean, if it's just another transient relationship that is fueled by controversy then it's serving its purpose. If you want a relationship you expect to last long term or until death do you part, I think it would help to start with a better foundation. That being said, there's some kind of emotion here (very possibly negative from what you've said) and it isn't an easy fix because we don't let it be when we're in these situations. The easy fix is choice c. It really is.

[fooled once]

I think until the divorce is final, your boyfriend is still her husband. It seems neither of you learned a different way to deal with your issues and you will continue to have poor boundaries and inappropriate relationships. Keep dumping the same trash, you will end up with the same mess....just in a different location.

 

Yep.

you cannot compare his relationship with his WIFE with you and some dude you met on adult friend finder. His wife is his WIFE and the mother of his child; "C" is some dude you flirted with, acted inappropriately and whatever. Totally different.

 

The fact that the MM hasn't PUSHED for a divorce is a HUGE RED FLAG. HE isn't doing anything; his wife is. If he wanted to really be with you, he would have chosen DIVORCE first, then a relationship with you. Heck, he isn't even willing to get a divorce. What a shameful man that he pretends it is because of child support and spousal support that he uses as an excuse for not filing for divorce. I hope he has been paying c/s since the day he moved out. If he hasn't, it shows what a total loser he is.

 

You keep claiming his wife knows this, his wife knows that. You have no idea of the 'deal' between him and his wife UNLESS she told you directly. YOU chose to start an affair with a MM while you were married.

 

Quite frankly, you and the MM in my humble opinion, will never be in a healthy honest relationship. I am not sure either of you know how to do that. His wife and he have chosen to co-parent their daughter. You sticking your nose into it is not good. You don't get to determine how often they talk, what they talk about, etc. The mere fact that he has continued a marriage and a relationship with his wife should be a huge show stopper for you ... the guy isn't going to push for a divorce because he doesn't want one. He is still emotionally attached to his wife.

 

If he loved you like you believe, he would know that other than parenting conversations bother you and he would stop. He knows they both you and so now he is sneaking around to talk to her. Kinda like what he was doing with you initially --- sneaking around with you and what you were doing. Heck, you didn't even file for divorce, your Husband did!

 

I feel so bad for your son A biological father, a step father and mommy's newest lover. This boy has had a revolving door of men in his life. You moved in with the MM prior to a divorce and I am guessing your son was living there too? So your son knows that mommy's new lover has a wife. Wow. Just WOW. That is so much drama for a 12 year old. You do realize that you are risking your son's respect by all this right? I am sure he hears the arguments and he knows about your inappropriate relationship with "C". Is anyone paying attention to him and what HE needs?

 

Like the others, it sounds like you can't function with out a man. My advice - get rid of the MM until he is DIVORCED. If he divorces, date him, don't just move in with him!!! Be a respectable role model for your son. Show him you are a strong woman and do not need a man. Or have your son live with his bio dad or step dad until you can have a safe, secure, stable home for him to live in. Don't be shocked when he announces he wants to move in with one of his dads. Spend some quality time with your son instead of worrying about the MM and his wife and their communication. Either you trust him or you don't --- same with the MM - - he either trusts you or he doesn't. You cannot have a healthy relationship without trust.

[lilagirl]

The stronger their relationship is, the healthier the children are. Co parentling after D is so hard. the kids needs to come first

 

Of course you are worried. I recommend a couples counseller to assist you in deveoping your new boundaries as a couple. having a strong relationship after an A is difficult and requires allot of work.

[sandrawg]

So..it sounds like all of you are incredibly immature.

 

And yeah..talk about boundaries. I don't think any of you understand what that word means.

 

IF you were done with your marriage emotionally, you should've finished it, before getting involved with someone else. And what gameplaying...to turn around and contact "C" behind your "S/O's" back. You used him. Not cool.

 

I think maybe you should be alone, and the married guy needs to be done with his marriage first before getting involved with someone else.

[sandrawg]

Yeah, no surprise there, honey. He lied and cheated on his wife. What do you expect??

 

my S/O "lies" to me daily.

[John Michael Kane]

How much contact is too much between a man and his soon to be ex-wife? The man that I have been seeing for 2 years is in the process of getting divorced. He and his "ex-wife" have an eight year old daughter and share custody. Let me give you a little background before you decide.

 

My S/O and I met on an adult online site. I was unhappy in my marriage and it was only a matter of time before we filed for divorce. My S/O said he was happy in his marriage, but was looking for some play on the side. I was told his wife knew about his extra marital activities. I later found out that she knew that he was sleeping with other women, but had no idea the extent of which it was happening.

 

ANYWAY…. He and I started chatting online in late March of 2009 but did not meet in person until the first part of June. It wasn’t long after our first meeting that we were talking almost all day, through text messages, and he was beginning to break the “rules” his wife had set for his playing. (the rules included not talking with his “friends” after 5 pm, when she was home from work or on the weekends, as that was HER time, and that he wasn’t to fall in love with anyone else) By the end of June he had told me he loved me and he knew I was the one he was meant to be with. By the Fourth of July, he told his wife he wanted a divorce. The fall of 2009 was kind of rocky, I had met another guy online (let’s call him “C”) and he had me convinced that he was looking out for my best interest and that things would not work out with my S/O. I tried to break things off with him but kept going back, I would go a couple of days without talking to him, but missed him terribly. Finally I knew I had to have him in my life, in November of 2009, we met and decided to work on things.

 

We moved in together in March of 2010. My ex-husband filed for divorce that month, and things were finalized in September of 2010. (My S/O’s “ex-wife” filed this past April.) Honestly, the entire past year has been rocky. In the spring of 2010, he asked me to stop keeping in touch with “C”, I honored his wish because I knew it bothered him. “C” had tried to come between us and I almost let him, are my S/O’s words. Last summer we were out of town, just the two of us, and his “ex-wife” text him about a softball game she was at. I was furious that he could not just ignore her. There really was no reason to respond, but he didn’t want to be rude. At this point, I had no idea how often or how much they were conversing. I tried to talk to him about it, that it bothered me. I couldn’t understand how someone who was happily married could leave her for me. They had things in common that he and I didn’t. They had been together 14 years and I just couldn’t comprehend the whole thing. I guess I had never had anyone love me as much as he said he did/does. This went on for a few weeks and we weren’t getting anywhere. I didn’t know what to think. I had asked about him filing for divorce and all I got was that he couldn’t afford it. What that meant to me was that he couldn’t afford the $200 filing fee. (I later found out he was talking about the child support and maintenance that he could potentially pay) As much as that hurt, I didn’t want to leave. I kept thinking if I could get him to talk about it, he would see how hurt I am and do something about it but every time I tried to talk about it, he shut down. By August, he told me they had cut back on the talking, which infuriated me as I knew they were still conversing daily. I can’t imagine how it was before they “cut back” So as juvenile as it was, I contacted “C”. I thought if my S/O can be friends with someone he used to have a relationship with, why can’t I? He had gotten to where he wouldn’t tell me if he had talked with her because it upset me. He said he was just trying to spare my feelings, so I did the same. I kept to myself my conversations with “C”.

 

I’ll speed this up a bit to April 2011. Things got out of hand, my S/O found an IM between “C” and I, it was very inappropriate, I admit. My S/O feels like I cheated on him, though I have not touched another man since November 2009. My S/O printed the IM and headed to work. He is self employed and keeps his office at his “ex-wife’s” house. He had left the IM on his desk and she found it, asked him about it and he proceeded to tell her what happened.

 

I have never tried to make excuses as to why I had a sexual conversation with “C”, I know it was completely inappropriate, unnecessary and hurtful to my S/O. I was felt like I second choice, I was still playing second fiddle to his wife. Even though he came home to me at night, he was talking with her all day. I had told him I had insecurities about them talking about more than their daughter, I was afraid they would be talking about things they used to do, people they used to know, ect. and he would want to go back home. Especially since the past year had been so rough. He still asks me why I felt I needed to do that. I have told him my reasoning and I don’t think he believes me, he says it doesn’t make sense. For months I had been thinking I wasn’t worth the $200 filing fee for the divorce and he couldn’t figure out why I turned to someone else.

 

I too am divorced with a 12 year old boy. My son has two "fathers", his biological dad and my ex-husband. My son sees both, his dad lives in Iowa and my ex-husband lives about 5 miles from us. I don't converse with the two of them as often as my boyfriend speaks to his “ex-wife”. I understand they need to communicate, in fact I encouraged it in the beginning, however it is definitely too much, too often. In addition to the texting, phone calls and whenever they see each other, every Saturday night is spent at the race track where my boyfriend is part of the pit crew along with her boyfriend. My boyfriend was part of this race team until they decided to split. In 2010, the team "fired" him. This year they asked him to return. The summer started with their 8 year old daughter playing softball twice a week, (where they went to the game and sat together, I stayed home). In May, the racing was added and will continue until September.

 

 

 

The thing that I find so frustrating is that I feel like I'm sharing him with her. Last night he came home and told me she was having car trouble. Why does he know that? She has a boyfriend, a father and 2 brothers. Why is she calling my boyfriend about her car? I try to talk to him about the whole situation and he tells me it's in my head. I just don't see anything changing or getting any better.

 

 

Is talking everyday too much, sharing information about our relationship, keeping his office at her place and helping her out around the house? Or am I being the overly jealous girlfriend and all my concerns are "in my head"?

 

Well you did know the situation you were getting into from the start.....

 

This is what you wanted.

[Disillusioned_Wife]

Number one, his daughter comes first. Secondly, his soon to be ex wife IS the mother of his kid so SHE will be part of his life forever. This IS something you need to deal with. They obviously have parted on okay terms for the sake of their daughter.

 

You need to trust him and have faith that he will follow through on the divorce and learn to accept that he will be on friendly terms will his stbxw. If you react, act jealous, it'll push him away. It's not like he's out dining her, or spending the night back at her place, having pre divorce sex.. Her car broke down and he did a nice thing. Helped her out..The mother of his child, whom he isn't going to turn his back on..

 

If you can't trust him or are going to feel jealous/worried/hurt that he talks to his exW, or sees her on occasion due to their daughter, your relationship with him won't last long.

 

You beat me to it. They have a kid together, that's something that never changes, period, end of story. If OP has issues with their communications then really shouldn't have been with him.

 

However, there can be boundaries. Communications should only be about the child, the finalization of the divorce (sic splitting marital assets if not done, selling a house, all business no play) and that's it.

 

She doesn't say if the ball game was the child's sports activity, why wouldn't he want to know about his child's sports activities. If he's anything close to a good father he would want to know and would want to participate.

 

Blended families are difficult situations, not impossible but very difficult. It's one of the most emotionally trying situations to be in willingly. I have a lot of respect for the people that are part of blended families. Step mom, bio mom, step dad, bio dad, the kids - they are one of the strongest people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.

 

It takes strong people to make it work. Jealousy is a big killer of blended families.

[NikkiVal]

The thing I think everyone is missing is that I DON'T want him to cut all contact with his stbxw. I, as a divorced parent, know that co-parenting is very important. The problem is all about the boundaries, there aren't any. I would rather they got along, in the long run, it's going to be best for everyone involved. I just don't understand why there needs to be communication as often as there is. Their daughter is only 8 years old, the only activities she is involved in are basketball and softball. Give the man a schedule, enough said.

 

To be completely honest, I feel like the third wheel. Like I don't really have a place of my own in the whole mix of things.