bentnotbroken Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 The thing I think everyone is missing is that I DON'T want him to cut all contact with his stbxw. I, as a divorced parent, know that co-parenting is very important. The problem is all about the boundaries, there aren't any. I would rather they got along, in the long run, it's going to be best for everyone involved. I just don't understand why there needs to be communication as often as there is. Their daughter is only 8 years old, the only activities she is involved in are basketball and softball. Give the man a schedule, enough said. To be completely honest, I feel like the third wheel. Like I don't really have a place of my own in the whole mix of things. That's because at this point you don't. You and he are people who have been running through life without boundaries...what has changed?
Author NikkiVal Posted August 6, 2011 Author Posted August 6, 2011 The whole thing is exhausting. It's the same argument over and over. Nothing changes, he just tells me less. He works in the town where his daughter lives, where they lived as a family, which is about an hour from where we live. There are times where it seems he has two lives. One with me, and his life in the town where he works. I have thought of moving there, thinking that will help. I could attend his daughter's activities, maybe not be so out of the loop.... but if we live there, he'll just be that more available for his stbxw....
bentnotbroken Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 The whole thing is exhausting. It's the same argument over and over. Nothing changes, he just tells me less. He works in the town where his daughter lives, where they lived as a family, which is about an hour from where we live. There are times where it seems he has two lives. One with me, and his life in the town where he works. I have thought of moving there, thinking that will help. I could attend his daughter's activities, maybe not be so out of the loop.... but if we live there, he'll just be that more available for his stbxw.... This is a really bad idea.
Author NikkiVal Posted August 6, 2011 Author Posted August 6, 2011 This is a really bad idea. Thanks Bent, I thought so too, but I'm grasping at straws. I really want this to work but I know I can't do it on my own...
Author NikkiVal Posted August 6, 2011 Author Posted August 6, 2011 It sounds like he IS living a double life, in ways it's just a continuation of the affair triangle except now you are feeling like the bs? For probably various reasons he is still attached to the wife, his old life, is it guilt, love or a combo of them all. Unless he detaches from his wife PDQ and focuses on your relationship I think it would be wise for you to walk away as he obviously has issues with boundaries (affair) and now with you. Moving closer won't stop it.......I think you know this inside already. Probably the best thing for you, is to lay it out clearly and get some boundaries of your own. Curiously.........does it try to guilt you when you make any demands on him and turn it around into him being such a good dad for his daughter? If he does.....that's game playing, another big ole yellow waving flag. He doesn't try to make me feel guilty about his daughter. Since the beginning I have been supportive of his time with her, but at the same time, I have tried to explain that he needs to be there for his daughter. I have told him that taking care of her doesn't mean taking care of her mother and he needs to draw the line. I'm still waiting for the line to be drawn...
Author NikkiVal Posted August 6, 2011 Author Posted August 6, 2011 I noticed you didn't address the rest of my post. lol I'm afraid if you keep waiting for him to draw a line, you'll be waiting forever, aren't you? It's still very much an affair dynamic, isn't it? Except now you feel like the bs? Empower yourself! Sorry 'bout that, I do know he feels guilty. He actually has 3 older children whose mother has alienated them from him. He is slowly getting to be an active parent again as the oldest is in college and is beginning to see their mother for what she really is. I know he afraid of losing his youngest daughter like he did the other kids. Even with the way I feel about his stbxw, I know she would never do that to him. He is a GREAT dad. In the past few days I have asked for some reassurance in regard to his relationship with her. He is still upset with me about "C" and doesn't know if he can get past it. Because of that, he says he can't reassure anything. The thing he doesn't want to admit is that I turned to "C" because of his relationship with his stbxw. It's a vicious circle and unless he comes to terms with the way he made me feel, nothing will change.
bentnotbroken Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Sorry 'bout that, I do know he feels guilty. He actually has 3 older children whose mother has alienated them from him. He is slowly getting to be an active parent again as the oldest is in college and is beginning to see their mother for what she really is. I know he afraid of losing his youngest daughter like he did the other kids. Even with the way I feel about his stbxw, I know she would never do that to him. He is a GREAT dad. In the past few days I have asked for some reassurance in regard to his relationship with her. He is still upset with me about "C" and doesn't know if he can get past it. Because of that, he says he can't reassure anything. The thing he doesn't want to admit is that I turned to "C" because of his relationship with his stbxw. It's a vicious circle and unless he comes to terms with the way he made me feel, nothing will change. And you know this how? The one thing that all his children have in common is him and his piss poor choices. It is easy for him to put the crap at someone else's feet. Where is he putting the crap in your relationship? Is he accepting that he has no boundaries or all issues yours? If he was alienated from his children, there is more than a little chance(based on what you have posted here about his decision making process)that he holds more than a little responsibility for the non relationship with his older children. Face this dude is more than a child who never grew up. He is manchild who is taking others down the rabbit hole with him. 1
Quiet Storm Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 The thing he doesn't want to admit is that I turned to "C" because of his relationship with his stbxw. It's a vicious circle and unless he comes to terms with the way he made me feel, nothing will change. You didn't turn to C because of the relationship with his wife. If you believe that, you are lying to yourself. You did it because you don't have healthy boundaries. Your actions and the choices you make should not be dependent on what somebody else does. You should be true to your values, no matter what. If you love this man, you should not be seeking out others, regardless of his actions. He knows that now and is seeing you differently. If my H cheated on me or didn't give me enough attention, I would never turn to another man. I would end our relationship. Anything else is tit for tat , game-playing, BS. If he is spending too much time talking to his wife, and you talk to him about it, and he doesn't make any changes...then you end the relationship. That's what healthy people do when others don't honor their feelings...they avoid those kind of people. You don't sink to his level and talk to other guys, because (as you have found out), then the focus will not be on his actions, but YOURS. He sees that you are petty and vengeful. He doesn't want to be with someone like that. Yeah, he may be doing the same thing. He may act in ways lower than you ever did. But in his warped mind, he deserves better than that. He feels disrespected, and he will not be able to step outside of his own feelings to see yours. Your feelings don't matter to him. The vicious circle, him making you feel bad, you lashing out...only you can stop it. Don't let a man make you feel so bad that you lose your own values, your own dignity, just for his attention. You are looking for proof that he loves you, and IMO he doesn't. If he ever did, you changed that by contacting C. Seriously, he met you on an adult website while you were married. You are having sex IMs with another guy. How do you think he views you? If you were a guy, how would you view you? How would any self-respecting man see your actions? As someone they would want to marry? Someone they want around their kids? Most would put you in the f-buddy category, not the long term relationship category. You feel disrespected, but have not acted in a way worthy of his respect. (not that he deserves any respect, either, but that is the way he is seeing it, I'm sure) Your best bet is to just move on from this guy. If you want a respectful, loving, mutually caring relationship...do not pick guys from adult websites. Do not pick married guys. And do not be sneaky and IM other guys while you are in a relationship. And if you do happen to meet a nice, caring guy...do not confide in him about this situation, because he will lose respect for you. Live your life in a way that you can be proud of. 2
TurboGirl Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Thanks Bent, I thought so too, but I'm grasping at straws. I really want this to work but I know I can't do it on my own... YOU want it to work. YOU YOU YOU. Obviously, He does not care enough to want it to work. He does not want you anywhere near his other life!! It should not be this difficult to be with someone - either they love you and want to be with you and DO SO, or they don't. Honey you can manipulate and try your best to make this "work" by moving not moving asking him a zillion questions, giving ultimatums, or whatever you want. It has not happened by now, it's not gonna happen. Start thinking about your future and the rest of your life... do you even want this guy who can't/won't make a decision and commit to you? (OOOOHHH that's right, b/c he is still married, silly me) I think that you don't want to hear what people are saying because you want what you want. Have some respect for yourself... it always doesn't play the you want it to. Sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away. 1
Author NikkiVal Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 You didn't turn to C because of the relationship with his wife. If you believe that, you are lying to yourself. You did it because you don't have healthy boundaries. Your actions and the choices you make should not be dependent on what somebody else does. You should be true to your values, no matter what. If you love this man, you should not be seeking out others, regardless of his actions. He knows that now and is seeing you differently. If my H cheated on me or didn't give me enough attention, I would never turn to another man. I would end our relationship. Anything else is tit for tat , game-playing, BS. If he is spending too much time talking to his wife, and you talk to him about it, and he doesn't make any changes...then you end the relationship. That's what healthy people do when others don't honor their feelings...they avoid those kind of people. You don't sink to his level and talk to other guys, because (as you have found out), then the focus will not be on his actions, but YOURS. He sees that you are petty and vengeful. He doesn't want to be with someone like that. Yeah, he may be doing the same thing. He may act in ways lower than you ever did. But in his warped mind, he deserves better than that. He feels disrespected, and he will not be able to step outside of his own feelings to see yours. Your feelings don't matter to him. The vicious circle, him making you feel bad, you lashing out...only you can stop it. Don't let a man make you feel so bad that you lose your own values, your own dignity, just for his attention. You are looking for proof that he loves you, and IMO he doesn't. If he ever did, you changed that by contacting C. Seriously, he met you on an adult website while you were married. You are having sex IMs with another guy. How do you think he views you? If you were a guy, how would you view you? How would any self-respecting man see your actions? As someone they would want to marry? Someone they want around their kids? Most would put you in the f-buddy category, not the long term relationship category. You feel disrespected, but have not acted in a way worthy of his respect. (not that he deserves any respect, either, but that is the way he is seeing it, I'm sure) Your best bet is to just move on from this guy. If you want a respectful, loving, mutually caring relationship...do not pick guys from adult websites. Do not pick married guys. And do not be sneaky and IM other guys while you are in a relationship. And if you do happen to meet a nice, caring guy...do not confide in him about this situation, because he will lose respect for you. Live your life in a way that you can be proud of. It's easy to say you would end your relationship for one reason or another, doing such a thing is not. It's also easy to judge when you don't know every detail of the situation. I am the first to admit that I didn't handle things the way they should have been, however, I had addressed the issue of his relationship with his stbxw, several months before I was "petty and vengeful." I was waiting for him to come home and tell me that it was over and he was going back to her. Defense mechanism, if you will. It's strange what people will do when the one they love makes it seem as if they aren't worth a $200 divorce filing fee. I'm not playing the "poor me" card, but you are very quick to judge when you don't know what was going on in my head. I am not above some professional help, I may be seeking some in the near future as my self esteem isn't what it should be. (thanks for your help) I just wanted to know if the relationship they share is a normal one. In my opinion, it's excessive, and since he tells me it's "in my head" I thought I would seek other opinions.
fooled once Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 "Above average" that is exactly what I have been trying to say. All I'm asking is that the contact be cut back, not be non-existent. I did cut contact with C, twice, because I knew it bothered him, but one thing that frustrates me is that my S/O can't seem to cut back on contact with his. It's to the point that I don't have any idea when they talk, how often or what about, because he doesn't tell me. Lying by omission isn't the same as lying in his book. Just to clarify, my S/O isn't necessarily upset about the conversation that I had with C. He's upset because I lied to him about whether I was in contact with C, however, my S/O "lies" to me daily. Obviously he IS upset by your conversations with "C". YOU cannot MAKE him and his wife change their communication --- only THEY can do that if IF they want to. Sounds like they are both content with how they communicate. You have 2 options: 1. accept it 2. don't accept it. You beat me to it. They have a kid together, that's something that never changes, period, end of story. If OP has issues with their communications then really shouldn't have been with him. However, there can be boundaries. Communications should only be about the child, the finalization of the divorce (sic splitting marital assets if not done, selling a house, all business no play) and that's it. again, Nikki can't make them not communicate or only communicate within HER rules/guidelines. It honestly sounds like the MM doesn't give a crap how Nikki feels. He is choosing to appease his wife and not her. The thing I think everyone is missing is that I DON'T want him to cut all contact with his stbxw. I, as a divorced parent, know that co-parenting is very important. The problem is all about the boundaries, there aren't any. I would rather they got along, in the long run, it's going to be best for everyone involved. I just don't understand why there needs to be communication as often as there is. Their daughter is only 8 years old, the only activities she is involved in are basketball and softball. Give the man a schedule, enough said. To be completely honest, I feel like the third wheel. Like I don't really have a place of my own in the whole mix of things. You are a third wheel. They are married to each other. You are having an affair with him. You do not get to dictate how they relate to each other and what they discuss. You have expressed your displeasure - he knows. But he is choosing to ignore your wants. That's his right. And that should show you how little you mean to him. Open your eyes - see what is right in front of you. You do not get to tell him what kind of dad he is to be, how he is to talk to his wife, etc. Like I said, accept it or get out of it. Sorry 'bout that, I do know he feels guilty. He actually has 3 older children whose mother has alienated them from him. He is slowly getting to be an active parent again as the oldest is in college and is beginning to see their mother for what she really is. I know he afraid of losing his youngest daughter like he did the other kids. Even with the way I feel about his stbxw, I know she would never do that to him. He is a GREAT dad. In the past few days I have asked for some reassurance in regard to his relationship with her. He is still upset with me about "C" and doesn't know if he can get past it. Because of that, he says he can't reassure anything. The thing he doesn't want to admit is that I turned to "C" because of his relationship with his stbxw. It's a vicious circle and unless he comes to terms with the way he made me feel, nothing will change. he is such a GREAT dad that he moved an hour away from his kid to be in an affair with you? Does he see his daughter during the week for dinner? Does he have his daughter every weekend or every other weekend? You keep asking him for reassurance and all that -- you are going to come off as needy, insecure and jealous. I get that -- because you two started by an affair and he has shown you through his actions he doesn't care how you feel about all this -- he is hiding his communication with his wife from you. No, you turned to "C" because of YOU - not because of the MM. OWN what you did and stop blaming others. YOU chose to CHEAT. YOU chose to communicate with someone else -- kinda like a game of "i'll show you" or try to make him jealous. The MM has a right to be concerned because if he doesn't do what you want, you run to another man to make him jealous. That is hardly a mature response or a mature way to act. Why not tell the MM that you need time on your own? Why not be independent and date him and not live with him? Why in the world would you 'follow' him to live in the same area as his wife? Do you think that will make things better? YOU do not get to CHOOSE how he acts, who he talks to and what they discuss. YOU have to accept all this. I get you don't trust him --- nor does he trust you. What kind of relationship can you have with someone you don't trust or who doesn't trust you? Not a healthy, long lasting one!
Quiet Storm Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 I just wanted to know if the relationship they share is a normal one. In my opinion, it's excessive, and since he tells me it's "in my head" I thought I would seek other opinions. It doesn't really matter if their relationship is normal or not. What matters is that IT BOTHERS YOU. You have told him it bothers you. And yet he still makes her a priority and tells you that it's all in your head. Instead of trying to figure out ways to get him to see that the relationship with his ex is not normal, try and figure out why you want to be with someone that doesn't value your feelings. He knows that the level of contact is hurting you. You've been clear on that. And yet he still isn't doing anything to reduce it. This should tell you something. Instead of validating your feelings, he is pretty much saying, "I don't think this should hurt you, so I'm going to tell you how wrong YOU ARE by feeling hurt by this". Not cool. He doesn't get to tell you what you should or shouldn't be upset about. You feel what you feel. He should validate those feelings, even if he doesn't agree with your perspective. And you don't get to dictate how much he talks to his ex. He is a grown man. Men don't like to feel controlled, especially by their women. You may think that your complaining and questioning prove to him how much you love and want him. But in reality, all it will do is annoy him and breed resentment. Instead of trying to change his behavior, accept him for who he is at this point in his life. He is a divorcing man with kids. Their lives are very much entwined. It may take years for him to totally detach from her. And even then, she will always be a part of his life. Realize that you can't control or change him. Just like he can't make you be cool with talking to his wife so much - you can't make him see that he is talking to her too much. He has talked with her for years. It feels natural to him. He is putting them first, like a father should do. Limiting contact with her feels wrong to him. If you want to be first in your man's life, then this is not the guy for you. Your feelings do matter to you, and they should matter to him, but he minimizes them. If he is unwilling to compromise or change his behavior, then you have three options. 1) Accept the situation for what it is at this point in time (his family comes first) 2) Realize that this is not the kind of relationship you want, and move on 3) Stay with him, and continue to hope that he will change. If you stay without acceptance (hoping he will change), you won't be happy. You'll still be wishing and hoping for something that you don't have. They will be contacting each other, you will get mad, he will say you're overreacting, you will feel disrespected, you will try to control his behavior, he will rebel....it's not a good recipe for a successful relationship. If you stay with him long term, allowing him to minimize your feelings will snowball into more and more disrespect. When you vocalize your unhappiness with a man's behavior, and he keeps doing it, and you stay... it lowers your value in their eyes. It tells him that although you may complain and cry and yell, you aren't going anywhere. So it's a green light to keep behaving badly. Some people can be like toddlers...you have to stick to your boundaries and consequences or they will never take you seriously. You are supposed to feel content in a relationship. You should feel loved and respected. If you don't feel those things, and your partner won't work with you to make it better, then that's a sign that this relationship isn't right for you. Sometimes relationships end not because there is no love or attraction, but because the people just don't meet each others needs. Try to love yourself enough to stay out of situations that hurt you (or your child). Try to love yourself enough to seek positive people and experiences that meet your needs (and the needs of your child).
Author NikkiVal Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 he is such a GREAT dad that he moved an hour away from his kid to be in an affair with you? Does he see his daughter during the week for dinner? Does he have his daughter every weekend or every other weekend? It's not for you to judge what kind of father he is. His daughter stays with us once a week and every other weekend at the least. He has the ability to see her whenever he wants since his office is at her house, they do go out for dinner before her softball games and he takes her for breakfast occasionally also. The amount of time he spends with her is more than most divorced fathers spend with their children. No, you turned to "C" because of YOU - not because of the MM. OWN what you did and stop blaming others. YOU chose to CHEAT. YOU chose to communicate with someone else -- kinda like a game of "i'll show you" or try to make him jealous. The MM has a right to be concerned because if he doesn't do what you want, you run to another man to make him jealous. That is hardly a mature response or a mature way to act. I HAVE taken the responsibility for the situation with "C", I am not blaming my S/O, he didn't "make" me do it. It was not a "game of 'i'll show you'" I had no intention of my S/O finding out. When I contacted "C", it was not for a sexual relationship, he and I were friends. We had ONE inappropriate conversation and the relationship ended after that. Why not tell the MM that you need time on your own? Why not be independent and date him and not live with him? Why in the world would you 'follow' him to live in the same area as his wife? Do you think that will make things better? YOU do not get to CHOOSE how he acts, who he talks to and what they discuss. YOU have to accept all this. I get you don't trust him --- nor does he trust you. What kind of relationship can you have with someone you don't trust or who doesn't trust you? Not a healthy, long lasting one! Again, I am NOT trying to control him. If they're just friends, why doesn't she want to see him happy? Why wouldn't she back off & give him that chance? He has told her how I feel and it doesn't matter, she deliberately sends him stupid messages when she knows we're together.
bentnotbroken Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 Again, I am NOT trying to control him. If they're just friends, why doesn't she want to see him happy? Why wouldn't she back off & give him that chance? He has told her how I feel and it doesn't matter, she deliberately sends him stupid messages when she knows we're together. Ahhhh, here is the truth. Did she say they were just friends or did he? Better yet are you hoping they are just friends because you see some of the same actions on coming from the both of them that you and he displayed toward her? Why should she want to see him happy? He gave what kind of a damn about her happiness? Why didn't you back off when he was with her? You deliberately were involved with him when you knew he was married. You are with a guy who cheats, he did to her, now he is doing it to you. Yeah she could walk away(I don't see what she wants with the manchild:sick:)but she is doing exactly the same things you did. Why be upset with his actions now? Is it because you and he are the one's in the relationship or because you are now on the receiving end of his special brand of love? 1
fooled once Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 I HAVE taken the responsibility for the situation with "C", I am not blaming my S/O, he didn't "make" me do it. It was not a "game of 'i'll show you'" I had no intention of my S/O finding out. When I contacted "C", it was not for a sexual relationship, he and I were friends. We had ONE inappropriate conversation and the relationship ended after that. See below -- you posted this!!! So you are blaming him! **The thing he doesn't want to admit is that I turned to "C" because of his relationship with his stbxw Again, I am NOT trying to control him. If they're just friends, why doesn't she want to see him happy? Why wouldn't she back off & give him that chance? He has told her how I feel and it doesn't matter, she deliberately sends him stupid messages when she knows we're together. How does she have to back off? HE is talking to her. HE is going to their home to 'work' and spend time with their daughter. She isn't MAKING him --- he is doing it voluntarily! How do you know he has told her? Were you there? Does she know you live together? If so, then she must be contacting him hourly since you are 'together'. Again, he is making the conscious decision to RESPOND to her and answer her. That's on HIM, not her. Bent said, Why didn't you back off when he was with her? You deliberately were involved with him when you knew he was married. You are with a guy who cheats, he did to her, now he is doing it to you. Exactly. She is doing to you what you did to her. You knew he was married and that didn't stop you. They are still married. You are letting him live with you, knowing full well he is married. AND he isn't moving any closer to a divorce. Why should he? He spends time with his wife and daughter AND he spends time with you. Why don't YOU tell him to move out until he is divorced?
Author NikkiVal Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 See below -- you posted this!!! So you are blaming him! **The thing he doesn't want to admit is that I turned to "C" because of his relationship with his stbxw I CONTACTED "C" because of his relationship with his stbxw, I did not have an inappropriate conversation with "C" because of their relationship. How does she have to back off? HE is talking to her. HE is going to their home to 'work' and spend time with their daughter. She isn't MAKING him --- he is doing it voluntarily! How do you know he has told her? Were you there? Does she know you live together? If so, then she must be contacting him hourly since you are 'together'. Again, he is making the conscious decision to RESPOND to her and answer her. That's on HIM, not her. Of course she knows we live together, her daughter visits frequently. Exactly. She is doing to you what you did to her. You knew he was married and that didn't stop you. They are still married. You are letting him live with you, knowing full well he is married. AND he isn't moving any closer to a divorce. Why should he? He spends time with his wife and daughter AND he spends time with you. Why don't YOU tell him to move out until he is divorced? She had boundaries in place while she was letting her husband sleep with other women. He was not to be in contact with any of his "friends" after 5 pm when she was home from work, or on the weekends. I respected those boundaries. They are in the process of getting divorced, a court date is set for this month. The divorce should be final in a couple months. (There is a mandatory waiting period from the filing date in the state we live in.)
tami-chan Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 I'm not saying he can't be friends with her or talk to her. I'm not trying to control him, but I'm not going to let him do to me what he did to her. She set herself up for a divorce when she allowed him to sleep with other women. If you play with fire, you're going to get burned. We have agreed to be in a monogamous relationship. I am insecure about their relationship, as I mentioned he told me he was "happily married." Even I can't understand why he left her for me. It's not that I don't want them to be able to talk, I just think that talking daily is excessive. She finds excuses to talk to him and does it because she knows it bothers me. I guess I question why they are getting divorced if they can't go a day without talking..... You are going to lose him. He had it good with his STBXW-he was allowed to play on the side and you want him all for yourself. He sees you as controlling. 1
TurboGirl Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 She had boundaries in place while she was letting her husband sleep with other women. He was not to be in contact with any of his "friends" after 5 pm when she was home from work, or on the weekends. I respected those boundaries. Interesting, so then you were not the first one that he cheated with. What makes you think that you have what it takes to hold him down in one place? Some men are serial cheaters --- always looking for something better. 2
waytogo Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I hope I'm not badly repeating someone else, as I admit I didn't the patience to read 4 pages today. Reading a few or your posts Nikki, I'm sorry, but I don't think they are finished. He is helping her around the house? It's a typical gripe that H doesn't help around the house. It sounds like he is trying to do some of the right things he maybe didn't b4. Another thought is, he wants you both, or at least wants you both to want him. Either or all ways, your needs aren't being met and now's the time to deal with that.
Author NikkiVal Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 So, it's nine months or so since I initially posted and not much has changed. My boyfriend continues to be closer to his ex than I am comfortable with. Honestly, I'm not sure how close they are because he continues to hide things from me. Their divorce was final in September, I believe she is moving in with her boyfriend, but she continues to talk to my guy frequently. She and I exchanged emails, hers was intended to "make me feel better" about their relationship, mine basically told her to "back off" though done in a nice way. Nothing changed. My S/O is still struggling with the inappropriate conversation I had with a man last spring, we're basically at a stand still with no direction. I have suggested counseling, he doesn't think he needs to go because "he hasn't done anything wrong." I continually feel disrespected by my S/O and his ex-wife. I have dealt with it because I felt I deserved it, but how much should a girl have to take? I have been 100% faithful to my S/O, I have went online, read books, all but stood on my head to make this work but I feel it's all for nothing. He says he doesn't know how to get past it, I don't think he's tried. He put up a wall and acts as though he doesn't know how to take it down. I can give more details if needed, I just want to know if I am out of line in regard to their relationship and what to do about mine.
KeepMeInMind Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 I am by no means an expert, but stick to your guns, and I would insist on counselling. Of course he doesn't think his contact is inappropriate. Someone on the outside looking in may (or may not) have a different opinion based on many years of experience. They would know much better than he. I would tell him point blank, that if this is going to work, we need to go to counselling, and we need to find a compromise on the contact with the ex. I do think that people who have been married for a long time can still be friends, but I also believe that if there is continued contact when the wounds are still fresh, neither of them can fully heal. And without fully healing, neither can give their new SO 100% of their heart. JMO
2sunny Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 So, it's nine months or so since I initially posted and not much has changed. My boyfriend continues to be closer to his ex than I am comfortable with. Honestly, I'm not sure how close they are because he continues to hide things from me. Their divorce was final in September, I believe she is moving in with her boyfriend, but she continues to talk to my guy frequently. She and I exchanged emails, hers was intended to "make me feel better" about their relationship, mine basically told her to "back off" though done in a nice way. Nothing changed. My S/O is still struggling with the inappropriate conversation I had with a man last spring, we're basically at a stand still with no direction. I have suggested counseling, he doesn't think he needs to go because "he hasn't done anything wrong." I continually feel disrespected by my S/O and his ex-wife. I have dealt with it because I felt I deserved it, but how much should a girl have to take? I have been 100% faithful to my S/O, I have went online, read books, all but stood on my head to make this work but I feel it's all for nothing. He says he doesn't know how to get past it, I don't think he's tried. He put up a wall and acts as though he doesn't know how to take it down. I can give more details if needed, I just want to know if I am out of line in regard to their relationship and what to do about mine. You have already endured more than I would! IF you think it's unreasonable or unhealthy for you - why not stay away from him for a long while to gain clarity for your best interest? 1
MissBee Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 (edited) You have already endured more than I would! IF you think it's unreasonable or unhealthy for you - why not stay away from him for a long while to gain clarity for your best interest? I agree... I think at some point the towel needs to be thrown in on some relationships frankly. If for 9 months nothing changes, you constantly feel disrespected, like he has inappropriate boundaries, he refuses counseling, you're trying to tell his ex wife "back off" (when clearly he's a grown man who's also responsible and she has her own man, so you shouldn't try to manage her...but I get that it's because of insecurity). Point is...I'm not sure where you expect to go from here. It's one insecure, capsizing ship..... You do need to step away and gain clarity about where to go from here. IMO if a relationship involves more fighting or desperate monitoring and clinging and questioning your own feelings...it's not one one should be in or at least one or both people need to manage their insecurities. But some type of action has to be taken henceforth and you can't just continue and hope by some miracle things change or lower your expectations essentially and accept more and more stuff so you don't lose the relationship (well you can and have already started to....but is that something you want to continue?). Edited March 31, 2012 by MissBee
2sunny Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 The thing is - HE should be the one telling her to back off - AND demonstrating actions to support NOT contacting her - but HE isn't! So... HE is to blame and HE is the one keeping that alive and moving! YOU are left wondering why, why, why...? Mainly because YOU have stayed in this mess. You don't HAVE to stay in a mess once you recognize it as a mess... Just step away and don't contact HIM any further! Silence sends a VERY CLEAR message that YOU are done with his manipulations. That is the same silence that he won't do to respect YOU or his prior wife. You can take charge of the direction you want it to take - a healthy direction for yourself and your well being.
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