Coping Log (again)

[moontiger]

So upset. Trying to break our lease. How can someone who loved you, and shared everything with you, turn so cold and businesslike?

[Diatribes]

So upset. Trying to break our lease. How can someone who loved you, and shared everything with you, turn so cold and businesslike?

 

You're not alone. My ex told me she loved me and the next day she was back living with her ex, over a stupid argument we had. She immediately turned cold and business-like on me, not wanting to even be a friend.

 

I don't understand this behavior either, so I can't answer your question. Maybe he never truly loved you. My ex was compassionate before she left, but afterwards said it was lust not love. I can tell you you're not alone though.

 

Hang in there

[moontiger]

You're not alone. My ex told me she loved me and the next day she was back living with her ex, over a stupid argument we had. She immediately turned cold and business-like on me, not wanting to even be a friend.

 

I don't understand this behavior either, so I can't answer your question. Maybe he never truly loved you. My ex was compassionate before she left, but afterwards said it was lust not love. I can tell you you're not alone though.

 

Hang in there

 

Thanks. He loved me; he did. But I guess he took a long time and decided to end it, and then he ended it, and now he wants to make sure it never starts again.

 

I don't want to start it again either. I just wish that--given that we have to interact--that he could at least pretend to be friendly.

 

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone though.

[moontiger]

His stepmom wrote me and said "J asked me to relay to you that there was nothing you did, or did not do that could have changed the outcome of this."

 

*sigh* I didn't ask him.

 

Now I remember why I didn't like him. Every time he'd try to make me feel better, he'd put his foot in his mouth.

 

So why do I even still miss him?

 

I don't. I'm just afraid the next guy I meet is going to be even more awful.

[moontiger]

When he was cold before, it hurt. Then he sent me an e-mail expressing some caring. That hurt, too. I guess everything just hurts; no way around it.

 

Today I got a story published, under a pen name that only he knew was me. I also won an award at work. Last week I went to the doctor, which I had been scared to do and he had encouraged me to. There was something there that reminded me of him.

 

He is the first person I'd want to tell these things. Now I can't tell him. I feel like my heart is going to burst--so I will share my joy and grief with the Internet instead.

 

It hurts.

[moontiger]

I keep having flashbacks to our last conversation. How he walked in, hours late, with a look on his face as though he were about to cry, and carefully took off his shoes as he knew I liked him to.

 

How I went to comfort him. How he stood, leaning on the counter, and how I touched him and the muscles were steel-hard on his forearms. How he said "you deserve better than me" and my stomach dropped, and I said his name--but for the first time in 1.5 years I used his real name instead of my pet name for him. How I tried to comfort him and take him in my arms and he didn't touch me back. How he said "I can't touch you, because I'm a hypocrite," with hate for himself in his voice. "I'm going to stand over here far away."

 

How I sat on the couch and how he stood far away and said it, again with self-hate in his voice. "I've been having second thoughts about getting married. I've led you on. I'm a hypocrite."

 

How I was surprised and not surprised. How I told him "J, I guess I know. I've been miserable for months. But please come and sit here beside me. I'll feel better if you sit beside me." How I started rubbing his back because easing his pain would help me not notice my own.

 

"You've been so nice to me this last month. You're even being nice to me now. Moontiger [and for the first time since we met, he used my real name, and not his pet name] you've put up with so much in the last month; so much." He was crying; his nose started to drip. My heart broke and I felt tenderness; I got up and got a tissue and wiped it--ashamed, he tried to snatch the tissue away. "You're even wiping up my nose drool."

 

"This part is going to hurt you," he said. "I don't feel physical attraction for you, and physical attraction is important to me." I jerked my hand away. [He used to always pick on me about my weight.]

 

"Be angry with me," he begged. "Yell at me."

 

I shook my head. "J, that wasn't a nice thing to say. You didn't have to say that."

 

He tried to make me feel better. "Attraction is a subjective thing...you aren't my type; that doesn't mean you aren't someone else's--" [A few days before, he'd said that all men found the same women hot, or not--whereas women's tastes in men were more varied.]

 

"J, stop talking. Please--Just. Stop. Talking."

 

"A few days ago I asked you why you want to be with me, given that I'm not your type physically, I don't like your music, and I have a hard-on for art history." You said you could stand those things. But I can't stand them in you. I can't stand that you don't like my music and you don't like art history any more."

 

I was irritated now. "J...I have plenty of other issues with you, plenty of other things I can't stand--just not those. And I don't hate your music...I don't know why you think I do."

 

There was a silence.

 

"So am I...single now?" I asked.

 

"Well, first I thought of asking for some time apart, but I knew you'd never go for it."

 

Maybe he wasn't dumping me? "I'd have to think about it J. Sometimes I've wanted to ask you for the same. I'd go for a break, where we both saw other people and we could reconnect in six months and see if there was anything there."

 

"But then I thought your way was best; that clean endings are best. The odds of it working out after the break are so small that I would just be leading you on."

 

"J, I've been miserable for months. My family has been begging me to leave you. My friends told me to."

 

"That's new information for me."

 

"They said it after you said you were settling for me. They said I deserved better."

 

"You do deserve better."

 

"I do." [but I loved you.]

 

"We were..." [i don't know what he said afterwards, because the "[i]were[/i]" hit me in the stomach like a punch.] He got up. "I'm already late for work...I have to go now. We're two different people. You want a family. You would never be happy with my spending tens of thousands of dollars on travel and art history classes." He took the tissue from me.

 

"J I told you, as long as you aren't throwing away half your salary...as long as there is some cap to what you spend, I'm fine with it..." He was stone; immovable.

 

"Would it make you feel better if I gave you a hug?"

 

I nodded, stunned, miserable. And I hugged him--just a friendly hug, and then I let go. It was terrible.

 

He walked out the door; mechanically I got up to see him out. When he was out the door I grabbed his forearm, again feeling how it was made of steel. "J, wait."

 

"What?"

 

"I don't know if we'll ever see each other again."

 

"Sure we will."

 

"Maybe," I said, sounding unconvinced, because when I get dumped I usually don't see the dumper again, or if I do it takes years, by which time our mutual lives are so different then that we are different people anyway. "So I want to say goodbye and good luck, and that you go with my love and my best wishes." I tried to smile.

 

"You too. You're an awesome person. Don't ever think otherwise." He couldn't get away from me fast enough.

 

"Goodbye."

 

"Goodbye."

 

He closed the door, and I locked it behind him. And I called my mom and sobbed out the whole story, and I sat in shock, alone in that empty apartment. Mom came to get me and took me to my parents', where I leaned over the sink and I retched in horrible dry heaves as she rubbed my back.

 

One of the three or four worst nights in my life.

 

Why is that evening burned in my memory and playing over and over on video reel? I can't even seem to remember things I need to remember. I know why. I'm holding onto that memory because it is all I have left of him, and because when it stops looping in my head then he is gone for good, and it is over, and I am alone again. Maybe putting it in electrons here will get it out of my head.

 

Maybe, when I put it all down, it will stop feeling like he left yesterday.

 

He was thinking of pulling the trigger for a long time; he was going back and forth. A lot of things that he said to me beforehand made no sense then, and I see it all now. *sigh*

 

I need a hug.

Edited August 16, 2011 by moontiger

[moontiger]

Today he finally came, in the middle of the night, and got his stuff. It's all gone. I stopped by in the evening and by the elevator was one of the rubber screws; it must have come from the bottom of his TV set.

 

It's really over.

[moontiger]

J I'm bored and lonely and I miss you.

 

But not as much as I used to. I haven't seen you since you left--in almost five weeks now. I haven't spoken to you on the phone. There's nothing to make new memories of you, and the old ones are fading fast.

 

Last night I dreamt of another man.

 

I can't help but let go. It's just the nature of life.

[Lishy]

J I'm bored and lonely and I miss you.

 

But not as much as I used to. I haven't seen you since you left--in almost five weeks now. I haven't spoken to you on the phone. There's nothing to make new memories of you, and the old ones are fading fast.

 

Last night I dreamt of another man.

 

I can't help but let go. It's just the nature of life.

 

 

I have just read your thread for the first time!

 

You dodged a bullet with this guy, he is a complete dick head! If my daughter got with a guy like him I would shoot him! He sounds awful, self obsessed and narcissistic

 

Whatta tool he is!

 

You will get so much better and one day you will wonder why you ever cried one single tear over this guy

 

I look back at my very old posts and wonder how I ever even cared about some of the guys I was heartbroken over

 

Trust me, this guy did you a huge favour, I feel sorry for his next victim

[moontiger]

I have just read your thread for the first time!

 

You dodged a bullet with this guy, he is a complete dick head! If my daughter got with a guy like him I would shoot him! He sounds awful, self obsessed and narcissistic

 

Whatta tool he is!

 

*hug* Thanks Lishy. It's nice to hear someone's opinion; it gets me out of my own head where I keep thinking "what if I'd been more flexible?"

 

I don't at all miss these things about him, the nasty things I described. It's just that sometimes, he was so kind and devoted. His good qualities were as strong as his bad ones. And I was used to him. That's the rough part.

 

You will get so much better and one day you will wonder why you ever cried one single tear over this guy

 

I look back at my very old posts and wonder how I ever even cared about some of the guys I was heartbroken over

 

*hughug* I hope that happens to me too.

 

Trust me, this guy did you a huge favour, I feel sorry for his next victim

 

I wonder if there will be one. He's not able to have a relationship. He isn't happy with himself and I don't think he'll ever be happy with a woman, and at 36 I don't think he's going to change without a lot of effort and a lot of counseling. And I don't see him willing to make those changes.

 

Which is sad, as there's a good guy in there under it all.

[moontiger]

Today I looked in the mirror and said "I deserve to meet a good man who loves me just the way I am."

 

And I felt a twinge in my gut, as though I was saying something I didn't believe.

 

So I said it again. And I felt the twinge again.

 

And then I realized--maybe that's the answer. That's why I've attracted men who weren't right for me.

[stronganyway]

I was in a relationship for TEN YEARS with a man who was interesting, funny, handsome, and we were crazy in love...and he was an *******. I am very compassionate and kind. We had a lot in common and had a lot of fun...and great conversations...but part of him was always part *******. I just kept hoping he would grow. Here is the thing: it never happened. It got worse. We were living together and engaged and he started cheating on me....and worse. When I read that thing about him telling you you should or could be more skinny? THAT'S and *******. Seriously. Unless it is a health issue and he is saying because your health is in danger (Doesn't sound like it), he is an *******. Anyone that self centered is NOT worth it. I FREAKED out so badly when mine left ME (!) I cried day and night and actually went into early menopuase because of the stress on my system. Please do not be like me. YOU deserve BETTER. The longer you step back, the more easily you will see what an ******* he is. And you will miss him a ton, but move forward. That's not true love. True love means having compassion. He seems to be devoid of that and very narcissictic (sorry, can't spell) those guys are TROUBLE. Love your Self.

[moontiger]

I was in a relationship for TEN YEARS with a man who was interesting, funny, handsome, and we were crazy in love...and he was an *******. I am very compassionate and kind. We had a lot in common and had a lot of fun...and great conversations...but part of him was always part *******. I just kept hoping he would grow. Here is the thing: it never happened. It got worse. We were living together and engaged and he started cheating on me....and worse. When I read that thing about him telling you you should or could be more skinny? THAT'S and *******. Seriously. Unless it is a health issue and he is saying because your health is in danger (Doesn't sound like it), he is an *******. Anyone that self centered is NOT worth it. I FREAKED out so badly when mine left ME (!) I cried day and night and actually went into early menopuase because of the stress on my system. Please do not be like me. YOU deserve BETTER. The longer you step back, the more easily you will see what an ******* he is. And you will miss him a ton, but move forward. That's not true love. True love means having compassion. He seems to be devoid of that and very narcissictic (sorry, can't spell) those guys are TROUBLE. Love your Self.

 

*hug* I'm so very sorry to hear that you had to go through that.

 

It's true; people don't change, especially with commitment. If anything they become more of the same.

 

You're also right, my health was not his main concern in hounding me about my weight. On top of that, I was working on losing the weight and he knew it. I didn't take his BS lying down; we had some very bad fights and I almost left a few times.

 

In retrospect, I don't know why I stayed with J. as long as I did. I guess because the good times were good and because I believed in commitment, and because sometimes he was so sweet and so devoted. Except for being critical of me he was a good partner; reliable, devoted, affectionate.

 

I just have to make sure this doesn't happen again. I have to wait to date until I am completely over this and over him. And I have to make sure I choose a partner who is happy, stable, and emotionally healthy.

 

In retrospect I could have seen the red flags early on, had my eyes been open.

[moontiger]

Tomorrow is his birthday.

 

We used to celebrate monthly anniversaries. Thursday would have been a big one.

[moontiger]

It's his b-day.

 

And something bad happened in our area today. Just six weeks ago we would have called each other instantly, each calling to check that the other was OK. Now, of course, nothing. I wonder if he thought of me afterward, as I thought of him. Maybe not.

 

Where we were united, now we are untied; no longer responsible for each other's well being.

 

It is so strange and sad not to be like family any more.

 

Maybe he didn't wonder how I was. Maybe he was busy at work, making sure that everything was OK. I guess people were probably patting him on the back and saying Happy Birthday all day. I'm sure they've filled his FB wall with greetings. I don't know, as I blocked him the night he left.

 

I am nobody to him now, and soon someone else will take the place I used to hold. I have no place in his life any more.

Edited August 24, 2011 by moontiger

[moontiger]

I have reached anger. I was worried I would never get here, but here I am.

 

His stepmom wrote me saying he said he'd like to be friends, but he doesn't want to impose himself, so I would have to initiate.

 

The only thing I am going to initiate with someone who dumped me is lifetime NC.

 

Supposedly you should forgive your ex and wish him well. I may get there someday. For now, I'll just say this: I hope he finds the woman he deserves.

[moontiger]

His family wanted to meet up. I am meeting up with them tomorrow. It will be awkward and I'm scared.

 

When I called, his uncle picked up the phone and said hello to me as though nothing were wrong. I miss his family. Some of them were so very sweet.

 

God I had the worst dream last night. I dreamed I found out he had cheated on me with another woman. I woke up in the middle of the dream, went back to sleep and the dream continued where it had left off. It was very intense.

 

He didn't cheat on me. I don't know what the dream meant. I think the dream happened because he was always wishing I were thinner and prettier, and I felt like he'd rather be with another woman.

 

It hurts.

[WhoMI]

Moontiger

 

Its always scary & nerve whacking to meet our ex or the ppl close to them. I hope everything goes well for u tomorrow. Keep us posted & know u always have ppl here to listen.

 

btw congrats on getting to the anger stage if that means you're moving on & like u said may be someday u will reach the forgiveness stage. By then u can totally focus on u & be happy.

 

The dreams we all probably had/have them b/c of the fear & lost. I'm hoping that it too will pass if not now than later.

[moontiger]

Moontiger

 

Its always scary & nerve whacking to meet our ex or the ppl close to them. I hope everything goes well for u tomorrow. Keep us posted & know u always have ppl here to listen.

 

btw congrats on getting to the anger stage if that means you're moving on & like u said may be someday u will reach the forgiveness stage. By then u can totally focus on u & be happy.

 

The dreams we all probably had/have them b/c of the fear & lost. I'm hoping that it too will pass if not now than later.

 

Thanks WhoMI. It went OK. They were very nice to me. For the first half of dinner we did not talk about him. Inevitably, the breakup came up. They made it clear that they were not trying to get us back together and that we were wrong for each other, and that it was nobody's fault. They said that he had told them that logically he should have married me, but that his heart wasn't in it, and that one always has to follow the heart.

 

(That hurt all over again, to hear that his heart wasn't in it. I guess I always knew, and it's better than the reason he gave--"I'm not physically attracted to you...you don't like my music...")

 

I told them that he was a good man, and gave some examples. And I said he always thought there was something wrong with him but that the only thing wrong with him was that he thought that.

 

They didn't put any pressure on me to stay friends but they kept saying that someday the bad feelings would go away and then I could reach out. Or not, as I preferred.

 

They told me that I was always welcome at their house, and that THEY had not broken up with me, and still loved me.

 

They noted (grrr) that I'd "inspired" him to do a PhD; he had never wanted to do one before he met me. I knew it--I knew he got obsessed with the PhD and kept rubbing his obsession in my face just to drive a wedge between us.

 

God, why did we relate in such a toxic way? Why did he do these things?

 

It was a good meeting, but it really stressed me out. I'm not really sure how much I gained from it, to be honest. They just kept saying it wasn't anybody's fault and that both of us tried our best.

 

I didn't contradict that, but I knew in my heart it wasn't true. He was a mess; he looked fine from the outside, but he had gone through a lot of life trauma, and as you got to know him you learned that he had a lot of severe emotional issues that showed up in bed. He was kind and devoted above all other partners I've ever had. But he also hated himself and was angry with himself, and he took it out on me. He was a bully, and picked on me about my weight and everything else, and picked stupid fights over trivial things like the thermostat. If only they knew how their precious baby behaved...

 

But anyway, dinner is over now, and I am glad.

[ScienceGal]

I just read your "last conversation" post... and all I can say is "wow... what a jerk!" Like just leaving you wasn't hurtful enough, he had to comment on a lack physical attraction? The nerve!

 

And yes, you do need to believe that you deserve better!

 

Glad to hear you're hanging in there and making steps forward.

 

Lastly, no more dinner dates with his family! NOT worth the stress.

[moontiger]

I just read your "last conversation" post... and all I can say is "wow... what a jerk!" Like just leaving you wasn't hurtful enough, he had to comment on a lack physical attraction? The nerve!

 

And yes, you do need to believe that you deserve better!

 

Glad to hear you're hanging in there and making steps forward.

 

Lastly, no more dinner dates with his family! NOT worth the stress.

 

SG, you da best; I'm lurking on your threads although some days between work and taking off the 20 extra pounds, I haven't been able to write. We're both gonna be OK. Lots of luv at you!

[ScienceGal]

SG, you da best; I'm lurking on your threads although some days between work and taking off the 20 extra pounds, I haven't been able to write. We're both gonna be OK. Lots of luv at you!

 

True story

[moontiger]

Neat link on things we can do for ourselves post break-up:

 

http://www.dailytransformations.com/how-to-survive-a-break-up/

[moontiger]

J, last night I dreamed I was looking at the sky, in the cul-de-sac where you used to drop me off, and as I was watching a plane stalled and the nose went down and the pilot tried again and again to yank it up again but he lost control, and somehow from the ground I knew that he was fighting to save his life but he just wasn't that good a pilot.

 

And the plane fell out of the sky and crashed at my feet. And as I looked in horror at the smoking wreckage I knew both that the pilot was dead, and that he was you.

 

And I know what my dream means. That plane was our relationship and you didn't mean for things to go so terribly wrong; you didn't mean to hurt us both so badly--you just weren't good at flying.

 

My baby...even in my pain how I long to put my arms around you, and tell you that I know you did not mean to cause all of this destruction and pain. And that somewhere on the other side of this is happiness and light, and that I will find it again.

 

You on the other hand--I'm not so hopeful for you. You are handsome and well-spoken. You'll get dates. But they won't understand you like I did, and it's a rare woman who will be able to handle your depression, and your anger, and your sex problems. You rejected love--the only thing on Earth that could have saved you.

[moontiger]

J, I did it tonight...I talked to another man. It was hard but I did it. I had a full conversation. I didn't mention you at all. I don't think I want to date him, but I did it...I got out there and I talked to him and I made a friend.

 

I remember once when I had broken up, and I started dating again. And the other man was you.