Coping Log (again)

[ScienceGal]

J, I did it tonight...I talked to another man. It was hard but I did it. I had a full conversation. I didn't mention you at all. I don't think I want to date him, but I did it...I got out there and I talked to him and I made a friend.

 

I remember once when I had broken up, and I started dating again. And the other man was you.

 

Good for you. I have been out a couple times with one guy. I've had fun, and it's nice to have someone show interest, but I can tell I am not "there" yet. I'm not ready to invest feelings.

 

It's about doing what's best for you and I'm glad you're starting to get out there. And when you're ready, you will meet someone you want to date.

 

We'll get there

[moontiger]

Thanks SG.

 

Once I had sent him

, saying that the beginning lyrics were lovely, and of course the end did not apply to us.

 

The beginning lyrics...

 

Where love is planted O there it grows

It grows and blossoms like a rose

It has a sweet and pleasant smell

No flower on Earth can it excel.

 

A ship there is and she sails the seas.

She's laden deep, as deep can be;

But not so deep as the love I'm in

And I know not if I sink or swim.

 

I remember he'd scoffed at how it was sappy and romantic, and that stung; I'd sent it to him since he was the sappy romantic.

 

In any event, now it's the end I'm thinking of...

 

O love is handsome and love is kind

Bright as a jewel when first it's new

but love grows old and waxes cold

And fades away like the morning dew.

[moontiger]

It's said that two months is a turning point. And indeed, I feel a definite shift. My mind has turned now to what to look for in a future partner. I don't miss J. that much any more. I went through a natural disaster without him; I traveled without him; I can live without him. I lived a long time without him.

 

Sometimes he was so nice.

 

But here's the thing; no amount of nice makes up for abusive.

 

I should remember that.

 

Also I remember reading once that you can adopt a mean animal from a shelter, thinking otherwise it will die. But that just means a nice one dies in its place. By which I mean that somewhere out there is a happy, stable man without issues, and he is single. It's him I need to find, instead of staying with men who *do* have issues and trying to be compassionate.

[moontiger]

I don't mind being single in itself. But I hate going back to being single after not being single, you know?

 

Dear Ex,

 

I know you try very hard to be a good person; you just don't know how. And you *are* "moral" in that you adhere rigidly to a checklist of inflexible rules; you don't wear leather, you don't eat meat, etc. You think that makes you a good human being. Partly, it does. That's what I was attracted to, when we met.

 

But I see now that you were happy to sacrifice my well-being to following those rules, and you did so repeatedly. In the name of "honesty," you said cruel things, like telling me I'd be prettier if I were thinner.

 

And the more you said them, the more you believed them.

 

I remember the first time I came to visit you in your new city, in your new house. It was mid-winter, and 1:30 a.m.--you were on the night shift, so you weren't home. I'd dropped you off at work and come home in your car; I was scared--it was night, I was lost, your new car was strange for me, and my GPS failed. When I finally got to your house, I found I'd forgotten half my luggage, including underwear. Normally, not a big deal, but at that moment it was too much and I was stressed out and I didn't know who to call, so I called you. I asked if I could use your dryer; I'd hand wash the pair I was wearing and dry them.

 

Instead you snapped at me to go to Wal-Mart and buy myself some more underwear, because if I turned on the dryer might wake up your upstairs neighbor. It was now 2 a.m.; I was in a strange city with a strange car and a borrowed GPS that I didn't know how to use. You didn't care. I was upset; I was hungry; I was homesick, and I was alone in your house which would not heat up higher than 55F. I broke down crying and said since I'd forgotten my luggage I wanted to go home a day early. You were livid and furious at me, and called me inflexible. When you came home in the morning, you raged at me and asked me why I hadn't left. I didn't understand why you were so angry, and put my arms around you.

 

A kinder man would have dried my tears and told me not to worry; the night was dark, but in the morning it would be okay.

 

Good isn't just about following rules, and being careful not to hurt everyone *but* your partner. I don't think you will ever understand that.

 

I miss you sometimes. But mostly, I hate that you rejected me, when the truth is that you weren't always that nice a person yourself, and I had so many reasons to reject you.

 

I hate thinking of you with some other woman. And that you might really treat her well and be happy with her. I know probably it won't happen, because I don't think you can be happy. You'll meet someone, sure. But I don't think it'll work.

 

It's been two months. I wonder if I'll ever forget.

 

Two months on, I don't want to be your friend. I just remember hurt and pain.

[moontiger]

And another thing I hated...I'd confide something in him, and he'd use it to push some agenda of his.

 

Sometimes when I was lonely I'd say "sometimes I wish I had more family."

 

Instead of saying something comforting, he'd use it as ammunition and then he'd say "see, I keep telling you that if we have kids, we should have two kids and not one."

 

I mean, maybe that's true, but it's just the wrong time to bring it up.

[moontiger]

I'm so lonely tonight, and it hurts and the hurt makes me feel angry. Just by myself with the thoughts rattling around in my head.

 

I know he'd understand.

 

I know that sometimes even when he had me, he felt the same way.

[moontiger]

Great quote from carhill in the thread "What if I never talk to him again?"

 

If you never talk to him again it'll be just like the billions of other people in the world you'll never talk to in your entire life. Does that really bother you?

 

No, I guess it shouldn't.

[moontiger]

-Ex once told me about a short story contest. Tonight I wrote a story (loosely) about him and submitted it. It was gutwrenching to write. But it was a good story.

 

-Ex gave me a gift certificate for my b-day, which I never used. Today I put it toward P90X workout DVDs. Ex, you said I was fat. Take that. And I've lost ten pounds since you saw me last. Too bad you won't ever see me again.

 

-For last Christmas, I'd gotten ex a one-year gift magazine subscription. Today I just found out I could cancel it and get a refund for the unused part. So I did. *shrug* I felt kind of bad--but then he broke our lease and our engagement. I don't owe him magazines.

 

So anyway, it was a day of closure.

[moontiger]

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coping-with-feeling-rejected-by-mr-unavailables-assclowns-part-two/

http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/t3986

Edited September 23, 2011 by moontiger

[moontiger]

Hi Moontiger, how are you doing lately? I feel compelled to write you-- reading through your posts I was very scared we were dating the SAME man!

 

*hug hug hug hug* Oh EllleBelle, I'm so sorry; so sorry to hear that--and thanks for posting here. How incredibly weird that your ex was also vegan and held your hand everywhere.

 

First, I'm so proud of you for losing the weight (independent of your ex.)

 

Secondly, your ex sounds...wow. Reading about him makes me mad. And you know, the funny thing is that the things your ex did and said are not that different than the things mine did and said.

 

And here's something fascinating; when I read about you in the same situation, I got so angry on your behalf. Whereas when it was my own life, I just thought "oh, it was my fault; maybe I should have humored him and gone to ride roller coasters with him when he wanted." If the same thing happened to a friend of mine, I'd ask her "What kind of 36 year old guy picks fights with his partner for months over riding roller coasters?"

 

I don't know if you had the same experience when you read my story.

 

My therapist told me this guy was awful. My friends all tell me that no loving man says things like he said. Today I went to the zoo with a friend who told me my ex was a waste of space, and the things he said were horrid. Finally, it's starting to sink in that it doesn't matter how loving and nice Dr. Jekyll was; Mr. Hyde was awful.

 

Mainly at this point, I'm so angry that I stayed with him as long as I did, and so afraid that if it happened again I would stay again.

 

My counselor has not offered many answers as to what happened, but has told me to work hard on raising my self-esteem.

 

Our breakup was July 29; I am struggling everyday tremendously but I have to remember that he was turning my inner light off! He too wanted me to lose weight-- one of the many things he wanted to change about me. He also said I wasn't his ideal. He was vegan, and he held my hand constantly every where we went. In some respects it was blissfull and then hell would reappear to remind me I was not living in reality.

 

*nod* I'm so sorry to hear this. And you describe so perfectly my own relationship.

 

Then I worked with a trainer and got my bodyfat below 15%. he then said I was too hard and lean and I should be smooshier.

 

Grrr.

 

He tried to rub out my forehead wrinkles with his hands.

 

Wow. I don't even know what to say, that is so disgusting.

 

He was so loving in some regards yet so cruel. I was never comfortable and always insecure.

 

*nod* And with my ex, he started out so sweet, too. I always thought it was my fault that he'd gotten unhappy, and that as soon as we got engaged/moved in together/whatever he'd be happy again. He thought that too.

 

Yet leaving him was the hardest thing in the world to do. I risked my life literally to save him during a home invasion we survived, and he later said my act of self sacrifice didn't really matter because it is not as important as common everyday things that need to be done everyday.

 

I'm so glad you left and found the strength to. My ex, as you know, was the one to pull the trigger. He didn't say this, but I guess, in the end, he had a conscience--and wanted to leave before he destroyed us both.

 

I am saying all this in the hopes that you can recognize a pattern here. Some people are just not healthy and it seems our guys were very similar. His criticisms have nothing to do with you. Please believe that. This breakup is the hardest thing I have ever faced and look at how sick my relationship was. I just want to share that you are not alone.

 

Thank you so much. Your post made me feel so relieved.

 

As you say, it was so awful and painful--and yet it is so hard to walk away. I wish I understood why that was.

 

Again, hugs. Thanks so much for sharing with me. I know it is painful to write these things out.

 

We're gonna get through this, and be OK.

[moontiger]

Hi Moontiger, I hope you are doing okay today.

 

EllleBelle, I'm glad you wrote just now. You know, I've been missing him today. Not Mr. Hyde, but Dr. Jekyll. Just his presence, I guess.

 

I keep wondering--why is it that someone who is vegan and so nice to his cat was so not-nice to me?

 

I miss him most when there are crises in my life because whatever else he was, he was such a rock. Someone got fired again at work today and usually it would have been him I would have gone and talked to endlessly about my job worries, and he would have been very calm and listened to it all. And now he's not here and I may never speak to him again.

 

We also had a roller coaster argument! !!!

 

Ugh. I'm sorry. I really thought I was the only one in the world. My ex was an adrenaline junkie, btw; that's why the roller coasters.

 

I feel sorrowful that someone else had to feel this kind of pain. It is such a deep reaching pain - a truly "cutting" pain - right through to the inner core of who you are. Knowing that you love someone so much and they just cannot offer you acceptance, and will never be able to accept you, is heart wrenching.

 

It is...and it's humiliating too. You think you are unlovable, and nobody else will ever love you.

 

It isn't true, for either of us.

 

I am so sorry you had to endure this. I want you to know that you cannot take it personally -- there is nothing wrong with you! You were fighting a losing battle; whatever you would have attempted to change would not have worked.

 

Thanks Ellle. I do (I think) believe that, or am beginning to. My mistake wasn't that I didn't do enough. It's that I picked a man who would never be happy and stayed with him too long.

 

We both have to internalize that it wasn't about us.

 

My therapist told me he was a sadist. He would tell me how much he really HATED people -- how he hoped all of the population would suffer and die horrible deaths. I tried my best to overlook these statements he made -- that he was just trying to be sensational or something -- but this hate he had was real.

 

Mine wrote on his web page how in his twenties he thought that "people were mostly stupid, cruel, and immoral," but then he had started realizing that some of them weren't so bad. I think he never really changed. He had a lot of trouble with women, because he was shy, and I think he was really angry with attractive women in general, too, and felt they had it easier.

 

I am glad you are in therapy. I am sure you are a beautiful woman with so much to offer. You and I tried to love unconditionally but I hope in time we learn to set better boundaries for who does and does not deserve our love.

 

This is true. I guess we should learn to be more selfish, and that love in a relationship should *not* be totally unconditional.

 

I am left trying to overcome dwelling on his insults--as a result I have to get botox or I will stare and stare at what is actually very normal on a person's face.

 

Don't hurt your body over a man. Honestly I have never once in my life noticed wrinkles on anyone's forehead, although I'm sure people have them. And that means that it really isn't something a normal person notices!

 

I'm sure you also are beautiful. And you know that your face is normal. So keep telling yourself that, and soon you will believe it. The good thing about self-image is that it can change. You were fine with your forehead before you met your ex, and then his talk made you not-fine with it. So the same way you can talk to yourself until you are fine with it again.

 

My ex did not start out sweet. He was the worst in the beginning. And yet I stayed. I thought he was heartbroken and suffering, and I only wanted to help him feel better. And after a while he did ease up on his cruelty. But it never stopped completely. I was left with the damage he had already done -- and knowing that no matter what I did he couldn't accept me fully ever--he told me he did not believe in unconditional love. He did have an ability to love though -- and during the times when I could feel it life with him was glorious. That is why I stayed.

 

And this is the problem with toxic relationships; the highs are real highs, and the lows are real lows.

 

I wasn't in love with my ex in the beginning; he wasn't a fun guy. Never smiled, never laughed. He won me over with his loyalty and devotion and commitment. It was when he had me that he showed his real self.

 

Hugs to you too, Moontiger. I suppose we will get through this. Many people I talk to say the uphill struggles get a little easier at the 5-6 month mark. I don't know. I hope so. I still cry EVERY DAY.

 

I cry too...and I have nightmares too. It will get better. We'll be fine.

 

 

I'm glad I met you, and have a short story I wrote about this experience that you might like to read. I will see if my PM is working.

[moontiger]

You know, sometimes when you get dumped, far more of the pain comes from having been dumped then having lost the person. It's not him--he wasn't that great a guy--but it was that he rejected and humiliated you.

 

But then you have to keep in mind that if he did that to you, maybe he wasn't that great a guy--not just to you, but overall. And maybe this isn't really about you at all; it's about him and his problems relating to people.

 

Our security deposit returned to me today; I signed the check, sent it to him, included a note telling him how much to PayPal me, and wished him well in his future endeavors and said I had appreciated his family's concern about my well-being.

 

And that's it now; time to move on. I took out an ad on a dating site again. I'm not 100% there yet, but three months at age 32.5 is long enough to wallow and grieve. If I never look for happiness, I won't find it. It's time to live again.

Edited October 3, 2011 by moontiger

[reimeivn]

3 months is not long at all. i am 5 months out and i want to be normal with him but you cannot undo some stuffs.

[reimeivn]

i mean once you loved you cant never act like you never did and he never dumped you at all. the pain will be there for a bit, then a little scar. it makes us who we are. but you should feel lucky that the guy who doesnt love you is not in the place of the the one who should anymore. so you can find the one.

[moontiger]

Thanks, R. *sigh* Wish I could just fast forward (or rewind) a year.

[reimeivn]

i wish that too. to be honest, you have to be in the worst situation in order to know how lucky you are. lets say you have to see him everyday, or everyday you walk out of your place and there is this one chance that you are gonna see him. now that hurts?

[EllleBelle]

Hi Moontiger--

I had replied a while ago but asked the moderator to remove it -- I was scared I had revealed too much.

 

I would prefer to PM but I don't think I can do that yet. I need a certain number of posts I believe. But I would like to read your story and know how you are doing.

[moontiger]

Hi Moontiger--

I had replied a while ago but asked the moderator to remove it -- I was scared I had revealed too much.

 

I would prefer to PM but I don't think I can do that yet. I need a certain number of posts I believe. But I would like to read your story and know how you are doing.

 

Hello EB. I tried PMing you, but for some reason I couldn't, either. You may need a certain number of posts before anyone can PM you, as well. I did not see your reply, though wish I had.

 

I used to write about my relationship issues on another site, under another handle. One day I blurted out that I used the site and my ex went and read a bit of what I'd written. He was (understandably) really upset, despite the anonymity, and made me promise never to write bad things about him, citing privacy concerns. I kind of understood--but also at the same time losing my ability to post there cut me off from a really valuable source of advice. If I had been able to vent there, and heard people's responses, I would not have stayed with him.

 

(As to the promise, he promised to marry me, and love me forever. All bets are off.)

 

Today, my ex sent me back my half of the security deposit, with a note saying that if I needed anything else, as always, to let him know. I don't need anything else. I need him out of my life. This is our last transaction.

 

I wonder what he's thinking.

 

And as to what I'm thinking? If you lose the love of a normal, happy guy, you envy his next girlfriend and the happiness he'll have with her. With my ex, I feel pretty sure that he isn't ever going to meet a woman he likes or gets along with. So with him, I'm mourning an awesome relationship that won't be, because it never really was.

[moontiger]

2 months, 22 days.

 

I had a physical today. Doc told me I'm in good health. Got a haircut, got on a dating site.

 

I miss him still. But I feel much better about things.

[moontiger]

i wish that too. to be honest, you have to be in the worst situation in order to know how lucky you are. lets say you have to see him everyday, or everyday you walk out of your place and there is this one chance that you are gonna see him. now that hurts?

 

Yes...I shared an office with an ex once. Now that sucked, bigtime!

 

My preference post break-up is to go NC immediately and completely. In this case I couldn't, since we were on a lease together. It's finally broken, and finally I can just go NC and be free.

 

Yay!!!!

[EllleBelle]

I have our security deposit check sitting on the floor right now... I have to get the energy to send it to him... Sigh.

 

I will make more posts and work on getting the PM thing going-- you sound like you are healing and that is great. Focusing on you is key! I am going to get my hair cut too...

 

Happy Sunday

[moontiger]

I have our security deposit check sitting on the floor right now... I have to get the energy to send it to him... Sigh.

 

I will make more posts and work on getting the PM thing going-- you sound like you are healing and that is great. Focusing on you is key! I am going to get my hair cut too...

 

Happy Sunday

 

Argh...EB...you are, apparently, me! My check sat on the table for about a week. Get up your strength and get the deposit stuff over with; it'll hurt, and then you'll be free and feel much better. I wish apartments would not do security deposits this way; it seems silly.

 

Update on me:

 

It's been almost 3 months, and I've done everything I "should"--cut my hair, traveled, lost 12 lbs, went to counseling, got a physical, did affirmations to up my self-esteem. I look better and I feel better about myself. But here's the thing: I still miss ex, a lot. I still burst out crying sometimes. I still fear I won't ever meet anyone else. I still feel shy about what I look like.

 

This morning when I woke up it occurred to me how during our breakup when ex sat on the couch next to me, it was the reverse of how we'd sat on a swing together just before we'd started dating; not touching, but just talking. And then when he left, again we reverted to talking (about business) by e-mail, just the way we had met by e-mail. And then...nothing. Things come undone the same way they came done, I guess. After thinking that, I didn't want to get out of bed.

 

I went to a MeetUp today. It was all much older people than myself, but it felt really good to get out and do something new. I invited a neighbor of mine whom I was sort of interested in; he turned me down though saying it was "too far" (it was four miles ).

 

Loads of rejection lately, and it's hard. I've been on dating sites, and few men write. I found someone who had messaged me before I met ex and disappeared on him. I contacted him; he accepted my contact but then disappeared. Karma's a *cough.* My friend who just singled up again keeps telling me (I didn't ask) that he isn't ready to date.

 

And so I begin to remember why I started dating ex, even though he wasn't really what I wanted. He wrote me eloquently and the relationship moved easily forward. He was eager; he was intelligent; he was well-spoken and clean-cut. We had some things in common. I am not finding much of that out there. The mistake I made was mistaking short-term compatibility for long-term.

 

I enjoyed the Meetup but missed ex very badly at moments. We used to go to social things like this together, and often I feel like I'm without half of me. Just before he left me I went to a party in our apartment's lounge by myself; ex was asleep upstairs and refused to wake up (he was by that point severely depressed, as he knew privately that he planned to dump me.) At the party, I didn't talk to a single person.

 

After today's MeetUp was over, I went out for a walk in the park and looked up into the blue sky and said to my ex "I don't wish we were back together, but I miss you. There's a hole in my life and I don't quite see now how anyone will quite fill that hole, even if someone steps in to." Once ex and I had parked in that park, on a winter's night, and cuddled. When we tried to leave, we found his left rear tire had gone flat. I remember him kicking the tire and feeling uneasy that he was so angry; all we had to do was call AAA.

 

Ex and his family were planning on going on their annual hiking trip; must've been either this weekend or next. I didn't go last year because I was new on the job, but I'd promised to go this year. He'd talked about getting me hiking boots. It's the little memories that are hard.

 

Today in the park I walked down the trail and I thought of ex and myself when we were both old, meeting as friends, and going for a walk along the same trail. It was awkward, being friends again. I saw my future self saying to him "it hurt when you left, and then after a long time I was OK. I'm glad we didn't get married, but you don't know how much I missed you after you left. I missed having someone, and I missed you...having you to bounce things off and talk about stuff with. There was a day I went to this park and just looked up into the sky and tried to talk to you. I know leaving hurt you too."

 

And he would say "We couldn't be together, but I missed you in the months after too. For a long time, whenever I went somewhere without you, I felt like half of me was gone. When I had problems at work I longed for your advice. I knew that I couldn't be happy with you and I had to be strong and end the relationship, but there were times that missing you brought me to my knees. I wanted to turn to you for comfort and I couldn't, because it would have been selfish of me and because I knew you didn't want to talk to me. I know I was a jerk; I see that in retrospect. My past relationships failed because I hadn't grown up. I thought for sure I'd grown up with you, but really I hadn't. I thought I was doing enough by just not leaving you. But I realize now that what I did wasn't enough. I should have been nicer to you. And I didn't really leave because you were fat. You were just fine, the way you were. I had problems, moontiger. It took me a long time to realize that."

 

And I would say "it was my fault, too. I didn't always respect you. I didn't remember how hard and how lonely it was to be single, and I took you for granted. The things you wanted from me weren't out-of-this-world unreasonable; to travel abroad once a year; my support in pursuing your dreams. I'm sorry I was stubborn; I was stubborn because I was scared. Sometimes I was controlling. Sometimes I took you for granted. I thought I could fix things by giving you lots of affection. But I realize now it wasn't enough. Sometimes the things I said made you feel like I didn't think highly of you, and didn't care."

 

And he would continue, "I went and started a PhD. You were right though; it was harder than I thought, and it took longer. But I'm glad I tried, even though I never married. I'd always have regretted it if I didn't."

 

I'd say "I'm glad you tried, too. I guess it was all for the best. Hey--do you remember how on Halloween, we went to that costume store, and I put a Viking helmet on you, and everybody turned to look at you?"

 

And then he'd smile, and we would walk off.

Edited October 9, 2011 by moontiger

[moontiger]

Ex...

 

I spent this afternoon lurking on dating sites.

 

I guess I was really lucky that you messaged me, once, out of the blue. It wasn't that hard for me to meet people a few years ago. Now it seems like there isn't anybody left.

 

I miss you. It wasn't perfect but it's hard to imagine I will find better. You didn't drink. You followed a strict moral code. You were tall and handsome and you didn't mind my quirks. You were smart. You were willing to do LDR.

 

Maybe you were right. Maybe I'm not physically attractive. Maybe that is all anyone will ever care about.

 

Ex, I'm scared. I wish we could rewind six months. I wish we could do it all over. I wouldn't take you back now, but I just wish...

Edited October 10, 2011 by moontiger

[moontiger]

...or not. You were a bully. You were mean. If I hadn't met you, I would eventually have met someone better.

 

I don't miss you any more. I feel sad when I see couples shopping for engagement rings, and wedding planning, and weddings. Couples who met after we did.

 

But I don't miss you. You were like an angry teenager in a man's body.

 

Sometimes (I'm not proud of this) I hope you are miserable without me. I hope you are lonely. I hope you show up late to work, just like you showed up late to dump me--and they fire you (again). I hope you fail at your PhD (and you will, because you can't do a PhD in my field part time)--and then five years from now you realize you let me go over fanaticism for something that you ended up not doing anyway--and that you grieve at the smoldering piles of wreckage and destruction you have caused in your own life and that of others. I hope you put on weight (you called me fat) and realize how hard it is to take off. I hope someday you realize how badly you treated me, and that the realization brings you to your knees.

 

Then sometimes I forgive. I realize that I will most likely move on faster than you, and meet someone better than you. That I will have learned from our relationship, because sometimes I wasn't perfect and I know it. But that you probably won't have--and that for many years you will be lonely, and yearn for love without knowing how to give it, or receive it, or inspire it in people, because (through no fault of yours, I think--and more as a consequence of your chaotic childhood, and your father walking out on you) you really are a mess.

 

I can see the future. You will learn, and you will find love, but you will find it late in life. And by then I will have found love myself, and wish you all happiness.

 

But I will know this only by Google--because by then so much water will have flowed under the bridge that one day I will see your wedding web site (like the one I built for you). And I will begin an e-mail to you as I did in the old days, and mid-sentence I will realize that I am writing a total stranger. It will be awkward, and I will feel a twinge, and that I am intruding in a place where I should not trespass and in a life that is no longer connected to mine--and I will kill the e-mail.

 

And you--you will do the same. You will write me an e-mail and save the draft--and then one day by accident or on purpose, you will delete it.

 

And when I feel I didn't do enough for our relationship, I will remember how a few nights before you left, I got shampoo in my right eye so that no matter how much I washed it out, my eye felt like it was on fire. But to make you happy, because you were depressed, I watched "Spirited Away" with you because you were always upset that we didn't watch more movies together. For 1.5 hours, I watched with one eye closed, and tears streaming out of the other, my face hidden in the comforter so you didn't know I was in pain.

 

I don't think I will speak to you again.

Edited October 18, 2011 by moontiger

[moontiger]

You were such a jerk toward the end.

 

But I remember two years ago when you were crazy about me. I remember this one time early in our relationship when I was running a fever, and you curled up in bed with me and just held me for hours--without worrying that you would get sick yourself. And then in the evening you went out, got dinner, and brought it to me in bed.

 

You stopped loving me, and turned mean. I know it wasn't my fault, and it would have happened even if I were perfect.

 

But I also know this; I'm alone, and my nose is stuffy. And I look at the future and I see a big question mark.

 

My best friend won't answer his phone.

 

And there isn't a soul to cuddle me.