Coping Log (again)

[moontiger]

The ex told my best friend that he can never deal with me again because I am crazy. Very hurt I thought, who else did he tell? I bet he told everyone. Everyone thinks I'm crazy. I can't leave my apartment. Maybe I am crazy... and so on and so on. I spent a long time wondering how the other people in my community were seeing me and what they were thinking. Who's side would they take? Mine or his? It all seems so ridiculous now. Especially since he's dating the second or third woman since me and plasters photos of him kissing each one of them online... classy for a local businessman!

 

Ugh. I guess...well, it hurts, but in some sense seeing those photos helps you move on, and also to put things in a broader context. That's awful what your ex said to your best friend, and it shows what kind of man he was.

 

Keep moving forward, SG. Fake it till you make it. These things...at the time they seem life changing. But--as I read somewhere--there's a reason the rear view mirror is so small. One day you think of the ex, and realize you haven't thought of him in a long time.

[moontiger]

Yesterday was five months.

 

I didn't even remember until today though, because I was on a date with someone else. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt, I'm just saying I didn't happen to mark the date.

 

I wonder where he is. I wonder what he is doing. (I suppose he is still alive, or I'd have heard.) I don't want to Google him though. I'm afraid of what I would find if I did.

 

He hasn't Googled me. I can see that on my web tracker. That is a little disappointing.

 

He never did regret. That's the worst part.

[moontiger]

I want to Google him. I want to read his blog. Very badly. I want to see if his online dating ad is back up. I wonder if it has changed--maybe to say that he doesn't want to meet someone else like me. *sigh*

 

He probably thinks I will look for him. He knows I used to Googlestalk my previous ex'es. I wonder if he has written something to me, or about me, on his blog.

 

But I haven't. Not having looked makes me anxious. But what if I looked, and he was with someone else? I'm not sure I could stand it. (Though generally people can live through any discomfort, it's just that you think you can't until you're forced to.)

 

I found this great article though. I should read it instead, every time I feel the urge to Google him.

 

http://www.examiner.com/thirtysomething-relationships-in-phoenix/surviving-the-breakup-stop-stalking-him-online

 

The guy I am seeing has a bad cold this week, and anyway he isn't Christian. So I won't be spending Xmas with him and even if I did we wouldn't be doing anything special. Well, last year Xmas with my ex was miserable. It was when our relationship really started going downhill. He put a lot of pressure on me to spend Xmas with his family even though I'd already come out for Labor Day and Thanksgiving and was brand new on my job and was not feeling well. This resulted in a huge fight, or maybe a series of them, I can't remember.

 

Xmas Day was our nine-month dating anniversary. Our Xmas gifts to his family got stolen. A few hours before the dinner I was supposed to have with his family, he still hadn't told me where or when I was supposed to meet them (it was 1.5 hours away and night). When I asked, he got irate and told me it was because he was so annoyed that he didn't want to talk to me, then started yelling at me about how I'd chosen the location and now I was complaining about going. It was a mess. Finally he ended up just coming to me, and we had a long talk about whether or not to stay together. Xmas night he dragged me to the city in the cold to see a bunch of things I didn't want to see. I seem to remember getting dinner at a veggie Chinese restaurant; we ate it in the car and it was gross. He had totaled his car a week before and at 2 a.m. I had to go with him to the junkyard to clean it out and transfer things into his new car. I got really sick with a cold afterward. And after all that, he remarked that it was the least Caucasian Christmas he'd ever had. He stayed in a hotel that night.

 

So...let me not wax nostalgic for having someone to spend Christmas with. When I did, it was miserable.

 

And yet, sometimes I still really miss my ex, even though he was no good for me. I was going through our old e-mails and realized I'd forgotten his wonderful writing and wit and sense of humor. The new dude...well, he isn't fluent in English. That is rough, especially as I like to write.

 

People are each so unique that nobody can exactly fill the hole a person leaves behind when he leaves, you know? The new person has a different emotional shape; he's a different puzzle piece. He's missing a bulge here and has an extra one there, and although the fit may very well be better, it still isn't quite the same. It's true with things too--you can move to a new house, and it's much better in the long run, but in the short run you just miss your apartment building's trash chute even if everything else about the apartment sucked.

 

That said, I am getting used to the new fellow's emotional shape. It is a lot smoother than the old. I guess eventually the things I miss about ex will go away. The triggers are losing their power.

 

I guess that means that, wherever he is, he is forgetting me also.

 

I have a feeling we will never speak again. That feeling makes me sad--but one day I hope it won't any more.

Edited December 23, 2011 by moontiger

[ScienceGal]

I am so glad that you resisted the temptation to look. There is nothing you would see that would make you feel even remotely good. It'll be a punch to the gut, but who knows how deep or how much it will hurt? Who cares... it'll not be pleasant!

 

I looked at ex new guys FB today, bad idea. It churned up acid stress in my stomach. I read that he was in my town last night, and is trying to have a get together at his place tonight. He sounds happy and in the Christmas spirit. He just added an attractive woman to his friends list. Good for him. sigh.

 

I wasn't aware people could track who Googles them. Interesting.

 

As for the new man in your life, do you see the language barrier being a real problem? How bad is it? I know emotionally he seems like a better match, but I wonder about the effect of not being able to have the strong non-verbal communication that you value so much. I certainly don't need to date Shakespeare, but I do need someone that understands humor, especially sarcasm. How have your other dates been? Is he making you happy?

[moontiger]

I am so glad that you resisted the temptation to look. There is nothing you would see that would make you feel even remotely good. It'll be a punch to the gut, but who knows how deep or how much it will hurt? Who cares... it'll not be pleasant!

 

Yes--here's what I worry though...at some point "no contact" becomes avoidance. At some point I should face my fears and just Google him, and then maybe I'll see him looking gorgeous and with some other woman and it will double me over--and then the worst will be over. (But actually, more often, Googling once has turned to Googlestalking my ex'es for years later. Unfortunately a few of them were bloggers.)

 

I looked at ex new guys FB today, bad idea. It churned up acid stress in my stomach. I read that he was in my town last night, and is trying to have a get together at his place tonight. He sounds happy and in the Christmas spirit. He just added an attractive woman to his friends list. Good for him. sigh.

 

Oy vey. Block.

 

I wasn't aware people could track who Googles them. Interesting.

 

Generally, you can put a web tracker on your own website that will tell you who has been viewing you, how they found your page, and where they came from.

 

As for the new man in your life, do you see the language barrier being a real problem? How bad is it? I know emotionally he seems like a better match, but I wonder about the effect of not being able to have the strong non-verbal communication that you value so much. I certainly don't need to date Shakespeare, but I do need someone that understands humor, especially sarcasm. How have your other dates been? Is he making you happy?

 

He is making me overall pretty happy. The unhappiness is coming from other sources; I still feel angry and humiliated and rejected by getting dumped--and I may always feel that way. When I think of dumpings I received years ago I *still* feel that way.

 

And part of me feels like I failed. To be honest, a part of me wanted to be free of those aspects of Indian culture that I find backwards and oppressive, like the sexual conservativeness and arranged marriage, and the aspects that make me lonely--like not celebrating Christmas. So a part of me wanted to meet a man who was the opposite of me, culturally and otherwise and who could help me integrate into a society I've never felt part of even though I was born in it.

 

Now instead of challenge and variety it seems I've met someone who is just like my parents. It's easy, but it also feels like a cop-out, like taking the boring stable desk job that pays well instead of becoming an artist.

 

But maybe that's how it's supposed to be. It isn't supposed to be chaotic and dramatic and all that junk. Maybe those were just bad relationships.

 

That's something my counselor asked me when I first met her: "Do you think you find normal men boring?"

 

The language thing...I can get over it; something I've learned is that a man being well-spoken is like his being really handsome...it's one of those things that's on the surface. My last three ex-es were super-eloquent, but they were lacking in other ways.

 

Basically I am 95% fluent in my family's native language, and completely fluent in English. He is just not good with language generally, but we can communicate fine as long as I stick to our native language. So...yes, I wish he were a poet, but that he isn't...it's not a dealbreaker.

[choppedkittens]

Yes--here's what I worry though...at some point "no contact" becomes avoidance. At some point I should face my fears and just Google him, and then maybe I'll see him looking gorgeous and with some other woman and it will double me over--and then the worst will be over. (But actually, more often, Googling once has turned to Googlestalking my ex'es for years later. Unfortunately a few of them were bloggers.)

 

 

 

Oy vey. Block.

 

 

 

Generally, you can put a web tracker on your own website that will tell you who has been viewing you, how they found your page, and where they came from.

 

 

 

He is making me overall pretty happy. The unhappiness is coming from other sources; I still feel angry and humiliated and rejected by getting dumped--and I may always feel that way. When I think of dumpings I received years ago I *still* feel that way.

 

And part of me feels like I failed. To be honest, a part of me wanted to be free of those aspects of Indian culture that I find backwards and oppressive, like the sexual conservativeness and arranged marriage, and the aspects that make me lonely--like not celebrating Christmas. So a part of me wanted to meet a man who was the opposite of me, culturally and otherwise and who could help me integrate into a society I've never felt part of even though I was born in it.

 

Now instead of challenge and variety it seems I've met someone who is just like my parents. It's easy, but it also feels like a cop-out, like taking the boring stable desk job that pays well instead of becoming an artist.

 

But maybe that's how it's supposed to be. It isn't supposed to be chaotic and dramatic and all that junk. Maybe those were just bad relationships.

 

That's something my counselor asked me when I first met her: "Do you think you find normal men boring?"

 

The language thing...I can get over it; something I've learned is that a man being well-spoken is like his being really handsome...it's one of those things that's on the surface. My last three ex-es were super-eloquent, but they were lacking in other ways.

 

Basically I am 95% fluent in my family's native language, and completely fluent in English. He is just not good with language generally, but we can communicate fine as long as I stick to our native language. So...yes, I wish he were a poet, but that he isn't...it's not a dealbreaker.

 

Hey Moontiger. Hope you're doing OK.

 

I can so relate to googlestalking exes years later. It's like a compulsion with me. I have a few exes I'm entirely over but when I'm looking to kill time online I'll occasionally type in their name. I have no idea why I do this, since I don't even miss them or like them. I think it's just habit and curiosity at this point.

 

I sort of worry you might be settling with your current guy. You just don't sound very into him. I know whenever I'm dating a guy I'm crazy about I'll completely stop missing the guy who came before.

 

I also don't think somebody's verbal ability is a superficial quality like physical attractiveness. My last boyfriend wasn't verbally gifted and it kind of killed my attraction to him.

[moontiger]

Hey Moontiger. Hope you're doing OK.

 

I can so relate to googlestalking exes years later. It's like a compulsion with me. I have a few exes I'm entirely over but when I'm looking to kill time online I'll occasionally type in their name. I have no idea why I do this, since I don't even miss them or like them. I think it's just habit and curiosity at this point.

 

Hello, CK! I think that's a good way of putting it--habit and curiosity.

 

And maybe a little bit of a desire to gloat.

 

I sort of worry you might be settling with your current guy. You just don't sound very into him. I know whenever I'm dating a guy I'm crazy about I'll completely stop missing the guy who came before.

 

Well...I can't say I miss my ex. He had good qualities and I miss those, but the bad ones outweighed them--he was a nasty bully. I'd never want him back--not the whole package of good and bad, anyway. Nor would I ever want to date another man like him.

 

If I could envision the perfect man for me, he would be much like the man I am dating now. Maybe in all honesty (and I hate saying this) he'd be a little taller, or a little more handsome, or a little more eloquent, or a little more Westernized. But he wouldn't be fundamentally different. Whereas my ex--in order to be someone I would want to be with, he'd have to be a gentle person, who didn't torture me over my looks and weight. Which is to say, he'd probably need a brain transplant.

 

For me, I get used to somebody, and when he is gone I notice his absence.

When someone else eventually replaces him, even if the new guy is Brad Pitt and Einstein rolled into one, I can't help but notice the things that are different. And--I also notice that I am back at Day 1 of a relationship, and lack the comfort and intimacy that I had after a year or two with someone else.

 

It happens when I buy a new car, too. No matter how awesome the new one is and how crappy the old one was, the new car just doesn't feel...right to me for a few months. It's annoying that the pedals aren't where I expect and the wheel has the wrong tension.

 

I guess it's just that I adapt to change slowly. It's not a great quality, really.

 

I also don't think somebody's verbal ability is a superficial quality like physical attractiveness. My last boyfriend wasn't verbally gifted and it kind of killed my attraction to him.

 

Well...my own father isn't the most verbally gifted person on Earth, but he's been a great husband to my mom and father to me. Nobody's perfect--but if I left a good man solely over his lack of linguistic skill, I think I'd be making a big mistake. I know I'm not perfect, either.

 

My ex was a wonderful writer and speaker, and so were my two exes before him. But I just thought of something--they were born and raised in the US; this guy wasn't. He's speaking his second language. Actually, when I think about it, none of my ex'es had bothered to learn any languages besides English, whereas this fellow speaks three, one more fluently than I do. So...it's a question of what I want to focus on, really. When he and I go to visit India someday, and we are in a part of India where I don't speak the language, it's going to be *me* who can barely put two words together, and he is going to be fluent.

 

There is always this raging debate I hear on this site and others between people saying "settle," and "don't settle."

 

Over the years, I've concluded there is settling and there is settling. There is "settling" for someone who has a few extra pounds and is bald, and isn't Brad Pitt and Einstein rolled into one. A-OK.

 

And there is settling for someone who won't commit, or treats you poorly, or who makes you miserable. That one I hope I don't do again.

[moontiger]

Well, it's Christmas. It's also the 25th, one of the monthly anniversaries ex would always remember. Ex'es stepmom used to write me sometimes. I opened my inbox, half-afraid, just wondering. Nothing. Wow, that was a twinge, and also a relief.

 

Isn't it funny how one year someone can shower you with gifts and talk about marriage--and then the next year, you are nothing?

 

I realize, now, that what I wondered is true. Once, they called me family. And now I'm really not going to hear from any of them again, ever...unless I write.

 

Which I won't. How could I? And why would I?

 

What a mess, and what a tragedy, and what a waste.

[moontiger]

I am such an idiot.

 

The last guy I dated was a douchebag and a creep. He really was. He isn't worth another second of my time; he really isn't.

 

Meanwhile the guy I'm dating is sweet, and kind, and caring. He cares how I feel and what I think. He's smart. He tolerates me, quirks and all.

 

And every second I spend even thinking about my ex or being mad about my last breakup is a second I take away from him.

 

So that's it; it is over with the ex. It's over. I let go. I don't care about him any more; I don't even care enough to be angry with him. He isn't worth it. And I see now that he never was.

[ScienceGal]

You're not an idiot, and you know that. You're just at the bottom of the last roller coaster hill on a pretty intense ride. The bottom of that last descent is a lousy place to be too. The ride was shocking, but now it's over and you have to wait to rise to one of those peaks again. Damn, that was scary and fun. I wonder which part was scariest, which was the worst, which was the best. You're still thinking about it. But, you're not frozen with fear, obsessing about it. You're not making the park attendant force you out of the ride car. You're off the ride, and you're back in line again. You're pretty awesome.

 

Alright, I am abandoning the roller coaster imagery.

 

You've spent (not wasted) time pulling the loose ends together in your mind about your failed relationship. You've made important connections and realizations. Time brought you to a place where you were done wallowing and you chose to actively move forward. Time has allowed you to make this progress and will continue to help you learn. So what if you're not 100%, you've done amazingly well and have made extraordinary decisions that have allowed you to heal significantly. You get major credit for that. You're stong and intelligent. Give thanks for all of the seconds that have gone by for they have allowed you to get away from such misery. They've brought you here.

 

Appreciate the new guy, but realize that you're already giving him all he deserves. You're honest, loving, and kind. You're beyond non-judgemental; in fact, you're actually accepting of specific less than ideal traits he has. You're thoughtful and sincere. You're being an amazing partner to him.

 

MT, You're allowed your personal space, physical and mental. Whatever stresses you need to think about are allowed. Stop beating yourself up about it. Another second just went by.... and another... you're doing just fine

Edited December 26, 2011 by ScienceGal

[moontiger]

You're not an idiot, and you know that. You're just at the bottom of the last roller coaster hill on a pretty intense ride. The bottom of that last descent is a lousy place to be too. The ride was shocking, but now it's over and you have to wait to rise to one of those peaks again. Damn, that was scary and fun. I wonder which part was scariest, which was the worst, which was the best. You're still thinking about it. But, you're not frozen with fear, obsessing about it. You're not making the park attendant force you out of the ride car. You're off the ride, and you're back in line again. You're pretty awesome.

 

What a neat metaphor, SG. I never thought of it that way. The honest truth is that I was pretty frozen for a few months. I really, really had to push myself to date again. But I did; about four months post-breakup I did start. There's always that conflict--in an ideal world I would have wanted to wait a year. But this ain't an ideal world and I'm 32. And I remember my counselor saying three interesting things:

 

1. "If the right guy comes along, are you really going to say 'well I can't date you, because I'm not over my ex?'" Life has to go on.

 

2. You don't have to completely forget the ex before dating again; that will take years or it may never happen. You just have to feel comfortable.

 

3. If you are self-aware enough, often you don't fall into a rebound. The danger post-breakup is less that you meet the wrong guy and more that you meet the right one but it doesn't go well.

 

You've spent (not wasted) time pulling the loose ends together in your mind about your failed relationship. You've made important connections and realizations. Time brought you to a place where you were done wallowing and you chose to actively move forward. Time has allowed you to make this progress and will continue to help you learn. So what if you're not 100%, you've done amazingly well and have made extraordinary decisions that have allowed you to heal significantly. You get major credit for that.

 

Thanks SG. Your words really mean a lot to me.

 

Appreciate the new guy, but realize that you're already giving him all he deserves. You're honest, loving, and kind. You're beyond non-judgemental; in fact, you're actually accepting of specific less than ideal traits he has. You're thoughtful and sincere. You're being an amazing partner to him.

 

Again, thank you.

 

One interesting thing I noticed? Ex always called me bossy, aggressive and inflexible. New Guy today told me "wow, you're *so* laid-back and mellow." I'm the same person I was six months ago.

 

Whatever went wrong with ex--I realize now it really wasn't about me. Maybe it was him, or maybe it was our particular toxic interaction, but it wasn't me.

 

Anyway wishing you a happy new year!

[moontiger]

Something interesting: People often give advice that validates their own decisions. So be careful who you listen to, and weigh who the source is. Here is an interesting link on how much to weight advice given by different types of girlfriends:

 

http://www.bettyconfidential.com/ar/ld/a/Dating-Advice-You-Should-Ignore.html?pageID=1

 

Oh, and about coping, I'm not really coping any more. I'm pretty much over my breakup.

 

The pain came back for one last pang; I had one last terrible day just before New Year's, when my ex'es stepmom wrote me. She said that my ex had moved back home (a few hours' drive from me) back into the condo he had left to be near me, that he was planning a trip to Europe, and seemed happy.

 

I guess the "PhD" has fallen by the wayside, and was just something he used to antagonize me.

 

Funny that; he always used to tell me how miserable he was there, in a small rural town and with no chance of meeting a woman. I wonder if he's just given up on trying to get married for now.

 

(And I also know what his stepmom doesn't: That part of why he wants to go to Europe is because there is one man in rural Germany who custom-makes a BDSM device that he craves and has always preferred to a real woman.)

 

You know, I was happier not knowing.

 

I just answered that I hoped she had a Happy New Year, and that I would never forget her kindness. I said nothing about myself, about my new boyfriend, or about the hell my ex put me through. I did not ask about my ex.

 

She wrote back that I would always be dear to her.

 

 

I don't know why she likes to keep me updated on him; as far as I could tell they never liked each other. I think she is a do-gooder (she is very Christian.) I guess she wants to broker peace between us and hopes that if we are not entirely estranged, one day I might come back as his friend. But I don't want him in my life; it's been six months, and he's really a stranger to me now. It's hard to imagine that I was with him once; seems like it was a dream. My life has gone on without him, and I associate him with bad feelings, so there's no real reason I would seek him out.

 

I'm not angry with him any more, really. I can't say he ever wronged me too badly. I wish I could; I wish I could say I was an angel and he was a demon, but it wouldn't be true. He was awful sometimes, and had some issues. And so was I, and so did I. Just my "awful" was more passive-aggressive, and therefore less obvious. And my issues aren't overall the sort that prevent me from making friends or having relationships with people.

 

And oxytocin is powerful...may I be explicit for a moment? Having another man pleasure me a few times pretty much knocked my ex out of my head. Maybe I feel some mild curiosity about whether he is alive, but apart from that I just don't care. He isn't worth the effort of Googling, or the anxiety it would cause me.

 

And that's how I know I'm over him.

[moontiger]

How to handle a breakup:

 

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/the-perfect-breakup.html

[moontiger]

Tonight is six months. The day had been strange. He'd been depressed for about a month, avoiding me, picking at my weaknesses, picking fights. He had a counseling session at 8 a.m. I thought it would begin to make things better. He was at his job town, out of town; he had me call him in the morning at 5 a.m. and wake him up to go to the counselor. I didn't hear from him after he went to the counselor. At 1 p.m. I finally broke and called. He was asleep in his car outside the counselor's office, a mile from our place. Said he'd made it fine, the session had gone fine; he'd just laid out his problems in the relationship and they hadn't made any headway, and that he'd made another appointment next week 8 a.m. He said the counselor seemed like a good woman.

 

I asked him why he didn't come home. He said he wanted to go to the university first and talk about doing a PhD. He thought maybe we could have dinner. He had to be on the road at 7 to go back to work. I think I said "bye" and hung up. We didn't exchange our usual "I love you."

 

Around 2 p.m. his family e-mailed about a vacation we were going to take. I waited for him to reply, but he didn't. Around 4 p.m. I finally replied.

 

I don't know at what point he decided to end things. I think he probably went to the university, and they told him it wasn't reasonable to do a PhD, and then he finalized his decision; he felt and had confirmed that there was no reason left to stay with me and that if he did he wouldn't have the life he wanted, in any way.

 

It was now 5 p.m. I was upset. I'd been at our apartment waiting for him all day and he hadn't stopped by, he hadn't answered my e-mail, and I hadn't heard from him. Fine; if he hated me that much then when he did show up, maybe I just wouldn't be there. I decided to leave my phone in the apartment and go swimming. I went swimming. It was a furnace-like day and the sun and water felt cool and healing, and I had a brief respite from the hell that the last month had been. A lady said to me "getting your exercise, eh?" I said yes.

 

I came back around 6 and showered. He wasn't there, and he hadn't even tried to call. Around 6:40 I phoned and asked him where he was. He said he was close by and would be there in a few.

 

And finally around 6:45 he walked in, and ended it. It was all over in about a quarter-hour, and he was back on the road.

 

I've come a long way in six months. I saw a doctor. I had some short stories published. I lost some weight, but more importantly I started going to the gym and have not stopped. I moved. I took a trip by myself immediately post-breakup and I survived the loneliness. I won a bonus at work when people around me who were better trained were not able to do the job and getting fired. Through it all, I somehow found the courage to date again. I learned what to look for in a man, and then I did my best to find it. I recovered from being told some awful things and abandoned, without too many scars. I took the high road. I handled our breakup with kindness. I didn't leave him, not in the depths of his depression, even though I was unhappy myself. I could have gone.

 

Instead I stayed as long as he wanted. And in the end I let him have that feeling of power, and the peace that it was his decision, and I swallowed the rejection and pain and humiliation instead. I did that because he had been the one to take the risk of putting himself out there, and because I loved him, and cared deeply for him, and because I would rather be hurt than hurt him.

 

His stepmother e-mailed me for New Year's. He's happy, she says, and has moved back home, and is planning a trip to Europe.

 

Let him be happy. I have nothing to gain from his not being so.

 

Six months ago right now we were breaking up.

 

A few minutes ago I went upstairs to pass by our old apartment. Someone else probably lives there now, so all there was was a closed green door. Maintenance was cleaning out the next door apartment--whatever neighbor lived beside us and had the crying baby apparently has left. So I didn't have much privacy. My new next door neighbor couple had dragged their Xmas tree out today and it had left needles all over; I took a little sprig of spruce and I dropped it in front of the door where I had begun a life with J., and where I saw him for the last time, as he walked out of my life.

 

In addition to the neighbor, the manager of the apartment building who leased us the place has left. I think the concierge whom I first told that my fiance had left and that I needed to break my lease is gone. I haven't seen him in a few months. There are a bunch of new folks at work...they don't know I was engaged once, and everyone else has probably forgotten.

 

Life is a river. Our surroundings change; people come and go, as it flows ever on.

 

The man in my life now is a good man. He isn't perfect for me, but he is gentle with me and flexible and he is certainly the best man I've dated. I might not have appreciated him as much as I do if the last man in my life had not been so wrong for me. Sometimes you have to be down before you can know what up is.

 

So...that's the story.

 

And as if by fate, while I am sitting on the couch reflecting how exactly six months ago at this time, J. was dumping me...a friend shared this on Facebook:

 

Every person from your past lives as a shadow in your mind. Good or bad, they all helped you write the story of your life, and shaped the person you are today. -Doc Zantamata

 

It is likely that I will never see J. again. But I have always said that someday, it will not matter. Maybe I have come far enough that today is already that day.

 

I hope all of you are well.

Edited January 16, 2012 by moontiger

[CopingGal]

You'll never tell me I'm fat and unattractive again, because you will never see me or talk to me again if I can help it.

 

 

That's what I had to do. I told myself and my bf at the time that he would never put anything ahead of me again because I would never put myself in a situation that would allow him to do that. (I was always last or next to last on his list.) The only way I could stop this bastard from hurting me was to completely remove myself from his life. That's what I did.

[moontiger]

That's what I had to do. I told myself and my bf at the time that he would never put anything ahead of me again because I would never put myself in a situation that would allow him to do that. (I was always last or next to last on his list.) The only way I could stop this bastard from hurting me was to completely remove myself from his life. That's what I did.

 

I won't stay in touch with someone who dumped me. He gave up. He left. And not only that; for months before that he sabotaged it all.

 

He used to look back on his last three breakups and reflect that those relationships ended because he was immature, or he was ashamed, or something--but this much I remember--he remembered all three endings as at least in part his own fault. I suppose in a while he'll look back at this one the same way. He's right. He torched us. He never even gave us a chance. It's not enough to doggedly stick to a relationship. You have to actually be NICE to the other person.

 

Today I tried to remember him and realized I could only remember pictures of him. It was like a bunch of flour had fallen through a sieve and all that was left were pointlike memories preserved in digital ink.

 

For a moment I couldn't really remember what he looked like. And it was hard to realize that.

 

I was going to marry him once.

 

Life is strange.

[moontiger]

It's 7 p.m. and I just realized it was our monthly anniversary today.

 

Yeah, I still think of him. But only in the way that somebody thinks of someone who died a long time ago. It seems strange that I was close to him once; it seems like another existence. If I saw him now I'd be intimidated by him and his uniform. I remember how once shortly after we started dating I saw him on Facebook and thought "whoa, there's a handsome guy. Oh crap, he's in a relationship."

 

Somehow I couldn't quite wrap my brain around the fact that he was mine. I have that feeling now again; that he's a handsome, distant stranger whom I'd be a little scared of and shy around if we met, like I'd be shy around any stranger.

 

Something happened at six months. Deep in my lizard brain I realized he was gone and it was over. And I stopped hanging on.

 

I had a dream last night where my friend from grad school and my friend from work and I were all hanging out in an RV for some reason, and just chatting. And even in the dream, J. was long gone and part of the past.

[moontiger]

According to the "days since date" calculator, it's been six months and seventeen days. When I put in the date he left, I had to punch in 2011, the previous year. It seemed weird. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, because I think of it a lot and of him a lot, and that keeps it fresh. But actually I haven't had any contact with him in 2012.

 

I listened to our song today, for the first time since he left me. I was at the gym where we used to work out. It came up on my iPod and I couldn't figure out how to stop or delete it.

 

And...

 

...I didn't feel much at all. The song had disconnected from him, somehow. I guess the triggers do lose their power. I would never have believed that, 6.5 months ago.

 

A small part of me still wonders whether someday he will get in touch. Well, I guess time will tell.

[moontiger]

Ugh. Well, time did tell; I see I have a couple of missed calls from Ex, no message. I thought I'd blocked him totally. I'd say it was a butt dial, except there were two in a row right after each other; no message. I wonder why people don't leave messages. Well, maybe it was a butt-dial and then calling again to say it wasn't a butt dial. Or a double butt-dial? One from each cheek?

 

I hope he's OK; I'm actually feeling anxious that there's some emergency or crisis that drove him to call. More than that I hope his family is OK; they were kind to me and his step-parents are growing older. I'm not such a jerk that I don't still care. Hell, I was actually just thinking of him when he phoned; I watched "Top Gun" yesterday on the elliptical, and both the movie and the elliptical made me think of him.

 

But then...he's never far from my mind. I had some stupid bureaucratic training at work this week and was just thinking to myself this afternoon how boring he would think I was if he knew, and how he'd look at me with contempt, and how relieved I was not to have to face him and feel like dirt for doing my job. And lately I've been thinking that maybe it was just the love goggles, and maybe he wasn't really that handsome after all. Oh, I think of him a lot. Just...it doesn't hurt any more. I haven't cried in a long time.

 

Anyway, if there is a genuine emergency he can use e-mail or text or something. And also, I'm not the person he should be calling.

 

Given how much ex hurt me in leaving, with the things he said, I feel too anxious about calling him back.

 

Knowing him, it probably means that he somehow found, and is reading, this thread. It seems like the kind of thing he'd do.

 

I'm tired. I spent 13 hours away at work today. I don't know what ex wants, and I don't care any more.

 

I wish I could be with him again and have him treat me well and love me--but that isn't him. I know what he is, and gave him too many second chances. If we ever got together again I'm sure he'd hurt me again, and leave. Or maybe this time, I'd wise up, and leave him. In any event, it wouldn't end well.

 

So leave it be.

Edited February 3, 2012 by moontiger

[ScienceGal]

Wow. Good for you. I am impressed that to didn't jump at the chance to talk with him. You're very strong and I'm proud of you.

[Frank13]

I am not sure what I am feeling today. Last week I had some tough days where I really missed you followed by a couple good days where I was busy so didn't think of you much.

 

Today I feel weird. I don't feel like I miss you, but I am wondering what you are doing and what you are thinking. Wondering if you miss me. Doesn't matter as it won't change anything. I guess I feel that you don't and have moved on completely.

 

I don't want to hear from you and don't have the urge to contact you, but I have this strange feeling today that we are going to run into each other in the near future and I don't want that. It worries me because I have not had enough NC yet and I feel it will set me back or I will agree to be friends which I don't want.

 

I want you out of my life forever. I never want to see or hear from, or about, you and I hope you never see or hear about me.

Edited February 7, 2012 by Frank13

[moontiger]

Wow. Good for you. I am impressed that to didn't jump at the chance to talk with him. You're very strong and I'm proud of you.

 

Thanks SG. I actually realized later why he didn't leave a message. Six months ago I had blocked him on my cell and Google Voice. A few days post-breakup he had called my Google Voice to discuss logistics, and got a disconnected message. He had sent an e-mail instead, saying "your phone won't let me leave a voice mail..." and we handled everything by e-mail after that.

 

This time, he tried my cell directly. Unknown to me, the block on my cell had expired after three months, but the Google Voice block stayed. My cell forwards to Google Voice. So ex would have called my cell and gotten 4-5 rings followed by a "service disconnected" message.

 

That's probably why he called twice; confused and trying to figure out what was going on. I guess usually phones don't ring when they are really disconnected? He may think I've really changed all my numbers. Or he may realize he's just blocked. I don't know whether or not he knows I could see his missed calls.

 

I was thinking he might send an e-mail. I got a missed call from a random number a few days later, but I think it was my grad school asking for donations.

 

I won't reach out to him as I can't--I just feel too hurt and too humiliated. Really, what could he possibly say that would make anything better? It would be a conversation like before, just it wouldn't end in "I love you" and he wouldn't call me "sweetie," and I don't want the memories of that. He made a few overtures through his stepmom about being friends; she said I'd have to initiate it as he didn't want to impose himself. I didn't really say much. What could I say? As if I'd call someone who dumped me the way he did and beg him to be my friend.

 

I could call. But I don't want to talk to him and pretend that life is wonderful without him and have him think that six months later all is hunky dory. It's not. It's true that I have put my life back together and even met someone new who makes me happy. But he did a lot of damage--he threw a wrench in my life the size of Alaska and I am still cleaning up the mess, and will be for years. I don't want to give him the satisfaction or the ego stroke of knowing that though, and that I miss him, in spite of all the horrible things he said and did.

 

Sometimes I think the best thing to do, when you can see nothing to do, is to do nothing.

 

That's what I have to do, even though it is hard. It hurts. It probably hurts him too, and it hurts me to hurt him.

 

J. I miss you so--I am thinking maybe I always will. But I can't ever be with you again; I knew that as soon as you left. And I don't think I can ever be your "friend." Someday I might peek at your blog, if I feel brave. You had started it for me, for our first anniversary. Do you remember? Once I told you I lurked on an ex-es blog. You asked me why on Earth I would want to keep up with an ex'es life. I couldn't answer then, but now I know. It was a way of not losing him totally, without ever having to let on how deeply I cared about him or how much he hurt me. Or that I still cared.

 

I'm not sure he'll try and contact me again. That's how it went with my ex-ex. I told him not to call, unless he changed his mind. He rang, once, just shy of two months later. He only called one of my phones, the one that didn't have voice mail. I wasn't home...I was out for coffee with a girlfriend. He didn't leave a message, and I didn't call back. Never heard from him again. He's on OKCupid now, with a photo of him that I took on my first date, captioned "this picture was taken by a very good person."

 

I wish I could say I didn't care, but it hurts.

Edited February 11, 2012 by moontiger

[moontiger]

Today I feel weird. I don't feel like I miss you, but I am wondering what you are doing and what you are thinking. Wondering if you miss me. Doesn't matter as it won't change anything. I guess I feel that you don't and have moved on completely.

 

Thanks for the visit, Frank. It is a complicated set of feelings, isn't it?

[CopingGal]

Hi. I was wondering, did you apply to art history teaching jobs all over the country and curator jobs at museums all over the country? You know, if you want to stay in the field, maybe you can do some volunteer work if you can't find salary work. There are probably many centers: for high school students, for community residents, for senior citizens, for disabled people, etc., that would welcome free classes in art history. I love art history. I really, really do. How about started an art history blog? There are many possiblities to stay in the field on a non-salary basis that won't take up too much time. (ex: you can teach for an hour a week).

 

I understand about PHDs. Did he know that after 7 years if you have not graduated, you have to take classes that you took 7 years before over again?

 

I myself thought that getting a Phd would be wonderful- it was in a different area, although I have minor in Art History. That program I was in was the worst program I could have imagined and it took so much time and so much money. The program was a disgusting disappointment and I dropped out. After that I decided to try another grad program- a different subject and a masters program. I love it!

[moontiger]

Hi. I was wondering, did you apply to art history teaching jobs all over the country and curator jobs at museums all over the country? You know, if you want to stay in the field, maybe you can do some volunteer work if you can't find salary work. There are probably many centers: for high school students, for community residents, for senior citizens, for disabled people, etc., that would welcome free classes in art history. I love art history. I really, really do. How about started an art history blog? There are many possiblities to stay in the field on a non-salary basis that won't take up too much time. (ex: you can teach for an hour a week).

 

Thanks for the thoughts, CG! I did apply all over the country before finally landing in a super-rural place 3-4 hours from the nearest city. I was single and minority, so it was not the best life situation. I spent a year there; I met my ex--I tried my level best to make it work, but I was burned out and miserable. I guess I went through so much to find a salaried job in my field that I lost my love for the field. It was hard for me to do volunteer work or start a blog because it was painful to settle for crumbs when I had really wanted the whole cake, and I also saw that some of my friends had the cake. Basically it was like a breakup; after I left my job, I was really in a lot of pain and needed "no contact" with my field for a while. With some distance, I am beginning to feel a little differently, and I am slowly starting to pick up some activities related to my training again.

 

I understand about PHDs. Did he know that after 7 years if you have not graduated, you have to take classes that you took 7 years before over again?

 

*sigh* Actually, I think he really had no idea what a PhD was...he thought it was all about taking a couple of classes and he thought he could do it while working full time. He talked about how he was willing to take 20 years if he had to--but if you have done a PhD you know that you are under one advisor, and that it is all based on the advisor. In 20 years, most advisors leave/die/change universities. Also, 20 years later your research will not be current in the field.

 

I'm not even sure to what extent he really had a genuine interest in art history; I do think he had some interest before he met me, but it wasn't all-consuming. His sudden interest in doing a PhD after he met me was (I suspect) mostly about his feeling inferior to me, wanting to assert dominance in the relationship by doing and insisting on talking about subjects that he knew I would find upsetting, and about wanting letters after his name--none of which is a really good reason to pursue a PhD.

 

I suspect that if we had stayed together, he would have applied to a few PhD programs and been turned down, gotten really angry and depressed, and probably blamed me for it. So all in all, it's probably good that he left.

 

I'm so glad your Masters is working out well!

Edited February 12, 2012 by moontiger