Coping Log (again)

[moontiger]

I'm home, sick and lonely. I don't have anyone to play Facebook games with. I don't even know whom to call.

 

I miss you.

 

Is this gray feeling really better than what we had?

 

Are you really happier now, without me?

 

I miss you.

 

I don't know how I'll make it through the holidays. I miss your family, too.

Edited October 22, 2011 by moontiger

[moontiger]

I miss you. I could have been more generous with you emotionally. I could have supported you more.

 

I tried.

 

I tried.

 

I did.

[moontiger]

J. I've been sick. I have a bad cold. I can't breathe.

 

I've been home for two days playing "The Sims." I haven't worked out. I haven't done any work. I feel like crap. I don't go to sleep on time. For the first time since April I haven't gone to the gym in a week (scared I'd make myself sicker.) I haven't washed my hair.

 

I'm afraid of anything related to you because it might burn. Like I once got lost on the way to your family's, and I pulled over at a Kettle Korn shop until you came to get me. Now I'm scared of Kettle Korn because it hurts.

 

And I'm so lonely. So lonely. I want to call someone but there's nobody to call. And now is when I miss you so much. I want my best friend and the man who knew everything about me. I want you to talk to me like you used to. I want to hear you call me sweetie and tell me that we will grow old together.

 

I haven't missed you this much since you left.

 

It's been three months and six days. I haven't been on a date.

 

I've been lurking on dating sites and it's so hopeless, and reminds me why I tried to hard to keep us together.

 

I miss you so much. And yet I can't even miss you since you hurt me so much. I'm all confused.

 

I don't want to think of you with another woman. I don't want to think of myself with another man.

 

I'm afraid of the holidays without you. Winter is coming and I'm afraid of the cold and dark. You used to love them and it made me a little less scared.

 

Last night just before I fell asleep, I felt for a moment that I was connected to you again and knew where you were. But I know it was my imagination...what else could it have been.

 

Oh J. I don't know and I don't care whose fault it all was. I'd wish for a second shot but I guess we came close to breaking up before and this *was* our second shot, I just didn't know it.

 

I just...I want to go back a year, and do it all over again.

 

This time--even if you sucked at relationships--I'd do my part perfectly.

 

I miss you.

[moontiger]

My strongest points:

 

-My ability to empathize

-My sensitivity

-My intelligence

-My wit and sense of humor

 

Things I need to work on:

 

-My self esteem

-Leaving bad relationships earlier

 

Ways I can be a better partner in the future:

 

-Be more willing to let the man in emotionally

-Compromise

-Do things I'm frightened of, or be honest that I'm frightened about them

-Respect his interests, even if I don't share them

 

My story is in the past. That does not mean it will be my story in the future. I need to not dwell on past relationships.

[moontiger]

It has been three months, and over a hundred days. I wish I had not had the contact with ex'es family earlier; it set me back and now I can't say I was NC the whole time.

 

This relationship was intercultural. He was American and I was Indian-American.

 

There were some values differences that made things difficult. I was more conservative than he was, and over time it made him feel rejected. I was about family and responsibility; he was about self-actualization and fun. I think a lot of these differences were cultural. After a few years of the whole dating thing, I am starting to think that it is not working well for me--and that I should return to the arranged marriage system and meet someone with a background more similar to my own. So I have put myself back on Indian matrimonial sites, as well as the usual suspects (Match/EHarmony/whatnot).

 

I am going to talk by phone tomorrow to two men who contacted me online.

 

I don't really feel like meeting anyone new. But I am 32, and the longer I put it off, the more I am going to be afraid.

 

One mistake I have made in my past relationships is to overcorrect.

 

The first man I loved was very passive, and a different religion. He had no interest in me but I pursued him anyway. Ultimately he had no interest in commitment, so we broke up, to the extent that it was a relationship.

 

The second man I "dated" (we only met twice) was hyper-aggressive. We talked for six months by phone before meeting. I should have dropped him, because he was critical and mean and made fun of gay people, and the red flags were waving wildly. But he seemed serious about getting married and very interested in me, and he was smart and interesting and a perfect match on paper. He invited me to his city to meet him, but in retrospect I realize he had another woman lined up in India. He acted utterly disinterested, told me we didn't get along, and then the next week went to India and got engaged to a woman who was a clone of me.

 

At that point, I quit trying to marry an Indian man and decided to try with non-Indians. The man I eventually met was someone I had a lot in common with (we were in the exact same field of art history and our PhDs were on the same academic family tree.) He was nice, but morbidly obese. I guess I thought he was "safe." He initially let me believe he was okay with having kids, and would relocate. Six months on when I pressed, he told me he didn't really want kids and he had no interest in moving; he'd just entered a relationship with me because he was lonely. We mutually broke up, although I let him say the words.

 

I moved to a rural area. I met a wonderful man. Unlike all the ones before, he was warm and funny and social. He joked around a lot and laughed a lot. He was very well-spoken. I was totally smitten. But under it he had a lot of issues; he was nervous about dating and about everything, generally. We dated five months. Then cracks happened. He began to lose interest. Maybe in response, I started losing interest, too. I went home for Christmas, and on the night I returned he called, blindsided me, and broke my heart. I won't say that about the other men. This one hurt the most of any breakup I've ever been through.

 

Then I met my ex. He drove five hours to meet me. I was depressed and sad when I met him; I told him I wasn't ready to date again. He dried my tears and held me and told me it would all be OK. He fell madly in love with me. I knew it was wrong, and that our long-term goals didn't match up. I tried to convince him of that. But he was a forceful man and convinced me instead that there was a mismatch. I was in a rural area, all alone, and so lonely. And he was handsome and tall and well-spoken. And so with fear and misgivings I began a relationship. It lasted a year and a half, and then ended as you are reading here. After a year or so, he turned from Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde. He turned mean.

 

That was the breakup that you are reading about on this thread, the one that sent me into counseling and brought me to LS.

 

I'm tired, of pain and rejection and hurting.

 

Unfortunately I don't see much of a pattern in my relationships, except that I am very loyal and generally hang on believing we can work problems out, until the guy dumps me. All the men, and the problems, have been very different.

 

I've had a lot of bad experiences. But I haven't given up hope.

[moontiger]

OK. Two phone conversations with men today.

 

#1--Nice enough guy. Seems a little bit old-fashioned.

#2--More liberal. Very bright. A little too into his job.

 

Both talked a lot about themselves, and didn't ask much about me. (In a sense it was a relief; I just had to listen.)

 

Both said they got bored with their jobs and made abrupt career changes.

 

Meanwhile, one cutesy request for topless photos on OKCupid (I declined, but, uh, thanks, I guess.)

 

Funny how just talking to two men kicked my ex out of my brain.

 

Today I started thinking of him as someone in my past.

 

I'm proud of myself.

[moontiger]

My uncle passed away today. During times like this I miss my ex; he had been through a lot of loss and he often had a kind word.

 

That said, overall he sucked. He didn't know where he ended and I began. He needed me to be perfect because otherwise somehow it reflected badly on him. I'm glad he's gone. I feel better.

 

I'm not diagnosing him or something, but when I read about narcissism and narcissistic extensions, I recognized our relationship. Oh, it was my fault too, for letting him do that to me. I abandoned myself.

 

In any event, here's the thing: It doesn't matter any more. It doesn't matter what he did wrong, or what I did wrong, or whether or how I could have "fixed" things. It doesn't matter, because when I meet someone else, that man will be a different man with a different personality. Our sources of joy and conflict will be different.

 

I've been trying to convince myself that it was my fault; that things I could have or should have done would have stopped things from going South. I guess I've tried to convince myself of that so that I felt like I had some control. But sometimes in life you just don't, and you have to accept that you don't. There are some things I could have done better with my jerk of an ex. I don't believe they would have saved the relationship, because his problems were ultimately too deep.

 

But I could have taken more of an interest in his interests, and I could have respected him more.

 

I will do those in my next relationship.

 

I miss him. I dream of seeing him again someday and of us both getting closure, and of him telling me that he needed to grow up. I know he will feel that way one day, because he felt that way about his ex'es.

 

But it probably won't happen, because I have enough pride not to want to see him again. I don't believe one always needs to forgive.

 

I've gone NC forever when I've been dumped in bad ways. Sometimes I wonder if those complete breaks have prevented me from getting closure.

 

But also I believe that one doesn't always need to forgive.

 

That's all.

Edited October 30, 2011 by moontiger

[moontiger]

I don't want to be with my ex again. I want to be with someone else.

 

But...well, I have this dream that somehow one day in the distant future, before one of us kicks the bucket, one day he will get in touch. And he will tell me--not that he regrets leaving, because I know he thought it over long and hard before he went, and he won't regret--but that his reasons for going were mostly his own emotional issues, not the things he blamed me for. That he never forgot me and thought of me often, and wondered how I was and wished me well.

 

When I see it in my mind it's almost like a deathbed conversation (I wonder if that means I am moving on).

 

Except...that I will never break NC with him out of pride--and I think he will never break it out of guilt, and out of respect for me. As the months and years go by we will be so estranged, and the barrier so high, that I'm not sure we would be able to have a conversation that close and that open any more. Or maybe we wouldn't care to.

 

I want to believe that ex was a bad man and it was all his fault. It would be so much easier. But that isn't true. He was a good man with issues. What happened was my fault, too.

 

Either he will meet someone else who really can stand his emotional issues, or he won't. I know that it won't work out with him well with another woman. He isn't happy with himself.

 

And me...I've attracted men with problems, and jumped into relationships too fast, and then I've hung on too long and made too many excuses as the relationship slid into hell. I must break that pattern.

 

Here is a random link that pretty much describes my ex, and our situation, to a "T", and what would probably happen if we met again:

 

 

Reading it, I get the impression that this dude seems to have felt bad about himself and destroyed his relationship because of it. Much like my own ex.

Edited November 3, 2011 by moontiger

[moontiger]

I don't feel super-bad any more.

 

I wonder if it is because I have my first post-breakup date on Saturday.

 

I feel an aching need to look my ex up and see what he is up to on Facebook/Google. I haven't even peeked since we broke up.

 

But I won't, and don't want to. I don't want to know; it wouldn't be good for me. I don't want to--ever. His life isn't my business any more.

[moontiger]

I don't miss him any more. I wish he'd been nicer to me, and gentler--because we could have made it work if he were.

 

I don't miss him or want him back or even want to talk to him. I guess he must feel the same as I do; he's probably moving on too. He's receding into the past, and sometimes I feel like the whole experience with him was just a dream. Talking to other men online and going on my first date post-breakup really helped me move on. That and NC.

 

But I'm still lonely. It's been almost four months.

 

My first post-breakup date was last night. It was OK. I think the guy was a little too old-fashioned and too conservative for me.

 

Going through a dry spell. Hope it gets better.

Edited November 6, 2011 by moontiger

[moontiger]

It doesn't feel so bad any more.

 

But every time I read another story of "My partner isn't physically attractive, I want to dump him/her," I feel kind of sick. What on Earth can you say to that? I guess you can't blame people for their preferences. But here's the thing: Looks aren't like personality; you know what someone looks like instantly. If you aren't attracted to someone, why lead them on for months/years/force things to a proposal?

 

Also--really, is that really what matters to you? Really? In marriage? Come on. Seriously--you find what you look for. Most people are normal-looking. Look for beauty and you find it in them; look for ugliness and you find that.

 

I'm so scared that I've internalized how my ex felt. I'm scared that I think I'm fat and ugly. I'm scared that a man will find out that I think that, and start to think it himself. That he will find out my weakness--that I'm shy about my body--and use it to hurt me.

 

It happened once.

[moontiger]

A failure is someone who is defeated without learning. I learned from this whole mess. I have not failed.

 

I am so scared. I have Date #3 tomorrow with someone I like.

 

I don't love the ex any more--not a bit. If anything what I feel to him is closer to hate than love, but I have to let that go too; I have to.

 

Everywhere I go, I find love. Life is joyous.

 

I love myself.

[ScienceGal]

I enjoy reading about your progression. The love/hate battle will end. You will reach indifference.

 

I hope your date goes well

[moontiger]

I enjoy reading about your progression. The love/hate battle will end. You will reach indifference.

 

I hope your date goes well

 

Thanks SG.

 

Ah yes, the opposite of love...not hate, but apathy. Two years post-BU I still feel a twinge sometimes when I think of ex-ex. Ex had told me "you always feel a bit of a twinge." I guess he and I will feel that way about each other too, even when we reach apathy. It was a close connection; he said I knew him better than he knew himself. I don't miss him, but I miss the intensity and richness of it.

 

The date (he's Indian, so it's not really a date exactly...it's much more serious...hard to explain) went super-well.

 

I mean, logistically it was a disaster. My train broke down on the way so I showed up two hours late. We went to an awful concert where we both left with headaches and had to leave early. I was in full-blown PMS--which for me means anxious and moody--and my period started and I had forgotten to bring supplies...had to stuff a paper towel down my pants.

 

When I was going to see this fellow yesterday, I pulled out a pretty black coat that I'd packed up last winter. At some point, (probably when I went to his housewarming last January?) my ex's awful, bad-tempered cat apparently sat on it, as it was covered with her ugly distinctive three-colored hair. The train got stuck on the way to the new guy's house and I spent about an hour pulling cat hair off my coat.

 

This always happens to me--when I meet a new guy, I always somehow find some of the last guy's hair on my clothes from the last time I saw him. I wish real life were more like Facebook, and had a "block and obliterate" button that would clean my ex out of my life entirely and surgically.

 

But--and here's the awesome part--despite it all, I still had a great time with him.

 

Last week, he met my family. This week we are meeting up again, and now it's my turn to talk to his family on the phone (they're in India). No major red flags so far, unlike my ex where there were about 57 glaring ones. He says he's met a lot of women and I'm the first he feels chemistry with. I feel it too. At the end he asked for a hug and you know--since my breakup I've had no interest in sex at all and then when he touched me it was like the floodgates opened; about four months worth of desire all came flooding back. I couldn't even sleep last night. In two years with the ex I never felt that way.

 

When I journaled about him in the beginning it was all "I feel nothing. Shouldn't I feel something?"

 

And no, I shouldn't have.

 

I guess part of the reason I didn't leave in the beginning was that he was so into me, and I didn't want to break his heart. But here's the thing I didn't realize; his heart was not that fragile. It wouldn't have broken.

Edited November 20, 2011 by moontiger

[moontiger]

Happy Thanksgiving, ex.

 

Last year today you and I had gone to meet my friend in the morning. Then we had dinner with another family. Friday we drove out to see your family.

 

I wonder if you thought of me tonight and remembered.

 

Because driving home alone in the dark this year, from the same family's house, I sure thought of you. I thought of how nice it was to be part of your family. I thought of how nice it was to have you driving.

 

It wasn't a great trip. You demanded we drive around a bad part of town to find the guy who stole your laptop. At your family's dinner, you played with the kids (you were wonderful with them) and ignored me. Driving us back, you backed into some guy's van. We got stuck in traffic for hours and hours. You and I fought that trip. It was when the first cracks happened in our relationship, and things started to go downhill. I was new on the job, and I used up about half the leave I'd painfully accumulated.

 

But I also remember how it felt having you sitting beside me; how you'd put on your best clothes even though you had no fashion sense and ended up wearing a blue shirt and black pants. How handsome you were.

 

I have to keep reminding myself of the bad times.

 

Today was Thanksgiving. I sort-of hoped you'd write. Or that your stepmother would. She's stopped writing. When I replied to her last time, kindly but asking her no questions that would invite a reply, she must have thought I didn't want to hear from her again. She wasn't wrong. I do care for her, but she is your family, in the end.

 

And you won't write me; I told you to leave me alone and that if I ever wanted to be friends I'd get in touch. And you are a decent guy. I sort of wish I hadn't said that. I wish you regretted leaving just a little. I wish you had second thoughts. Because if you did, I could be your friend--maybe.

 

You will make up your Christmas wish list soon, and send it to your family. But you will make it up this year without me on it. I've lost the right to buy you things. I've lost my window into your life. I don't even know what state you live in any more.

 

I hope you don't hate me. You don't, do you? You left telling me I was a good woman. I wonder what you will say to the next woman about me. I wonder if you've already found her. Maybe you aren't dating her yet, but the two of you are sniffing around each other, circling.

 

I keep thinking of meeting you as a friend someday. What I'd say. How I'd feel, meeting you again. It's hard to think I may never.

 

I just remembered that today is the 25th. It was our monthly anniversary. You always remembered it, without your Smartphone even.

 

Will you think of me? Will you wonder if I thought of you?

 

I'll never see you again, will I?

[moontiger]

Thanks TC. I really appreciated your message. I hope I can save at least one person from repeating my mistakes. Hopefully, that means myself!

[sunflower11]

You know, sometimes when you get dumped, far more of the pain comes from having been dumped then having lost the person. It's not him--he wasn't that great a guy--but it was that he rejected and humiliated you.

.

 

Sorry if this was a post that was a little old..I was just reading though your coping log and this hit me. I do wonder sometimes how could he reject me? I don't want to sound like I am super over confident..because right now I am not, my self esteem is kind of through the floor. But there was a point in my life when I believed myself to be pretty, funny, charming..even had one of my friends tell me 2 years ago, "you can have any guy you want". And I was such a flirt. So sometimes...I kick back into that person (not that I think there is anything bad with being confident)..and think..well I know I am a good catch, I know all I have to offer, how could he not want that? What is wrong with him? And I keep putting myself through rejection letting him humiliate me even more everytime he ignores my calls or just two days ago when he hung up the phone as soon as he heard it was me. Ughh...

[moontiger]

Sorry if this was a post that was a little old..I was just reading though your coping log and this hit me. I do wonder sometimes how could he reject me? I don't want to sound like I am super over confident..because right now I am not, my self esteem is kind of through the floor. But there was a point in my life when I believed myself to be pretty, funny, charming..even had one of my friends tell me 2 years ago, "you can have any guy you want". And I was such a flirt. So sometimes...I kick back into that person (not that I think there is anything bad with being confident)..and think..well I know I am a good catch, I know all I have to offer, how could he not want that? What is wrong with him? And I keep putting myself through rejection letting him humiliate me even more everytime he ignores my calls or just two days ago when he hung up the phone as soon as he heard it was me. Ughh...

 

Hello Sunflower--and welcome to my thread. When I read your post, I wanted to say "you're awesome!" It's so tremendous that you know these things about yourself inside--that you *are* pretty and funny and charming, and a good catch.

 

A lot of people (me included) have trouble getting that far. We don't think "I'm great--how could he not want me?" but instead "he didn't want me; I must suck; what if nobody else wants me?" And you are ahead of that.

 

Here's the thing about rejection; it doesn't make much sense. If Jennifer Aniston could get dumped, if Hugh Grant could ditch Liz Hurley for a prostitute, then well--that just says there isn't any rhyme or reason to it all. Even my ex (and my ex-ex told me) "you're a great catch for somebody--just not for me." (Gee, thanks, ex.)

 

I guess it's like this. Suppose you are looking to buy a brown Yugo, and you only want a brown Yugo. Somebody can wave a red Porsche 911 in front of you and it doesn't matter. But someone who is looking for a red Porsche 911 is going to be sooooo happy when he finds it.

 

Keep to NC. Your ex left, but don't let him take your dignity; that much you *do* control. It doesn't matter why he doesn't want to be with you. And you are a wonderful person and all the things that were true about you two years ago are still true, except that you are two years wiser.

 

You will be a great catch for the right guy.

 

Lots of love,

MT

[moontiger]

Years ago I thought about the man in my future. When I saw him, we were in a sports car driving down the freeway at night, with the music on, with a dancy kind of beat. He was driving and I was laughing in the passenger side. I couldn't see his face. This weekend was so eerily close to that dream that I had an odd feeling of deja vu and that I'd lived it all before.

 

I like this fellow. My parents like him, unlike the unending nut parade I dated before him.

 

He finally took my hand last night--and then when I went to hug him goodbye, he held me, and then said we should sit down. And then we did, and he sat down and held me against his chest, and I could hear his heart. And--well, suddenly all the hurt and fear of the last few years, and the stress of dating again...it all came over me. I had a moment of neediness and I nuzzled into his chest in a very clingy sort of way.

 

I don't know what he thought. But he was gentle and shy and he didn't do a thing but hold me; no hair kiss, no back rub. Then (he needed to leave, and it was approaching midnight) he asked if I wanted to get up and I said no but got up anyway, and he pulled me to him again. And he asked if I was liking it, and I nodded, and he asked if I would call him tomorrow, and with my head buried against his chest I nodded yes.

 

Then I called, and he said "I was just thinking of calling you."

 

I wonder if I'm falling in love. I don't know if I've ever written that about a man before. I never loved my ex, really. Sometimes I liked him, and sometimes I admired him, and sometimes I felt sorry for him--but there was never warmth there. He was like a little boy, or an angry teenager.

 

This fellow was showing me pictures of himself and was shy, and I asked him if he felt shy and he looked down, and I stroked the back of his head. I fell then. He showed me a picture of himself wearing a stethoscope, giving a checkup to all these little schoolboys. I fell a little more.

 

I accidentally saw my ex on LinkedIn today; it spit him up in "people I might know" and there he was. Same old picture, same old job title. Fear and adrenaline flooded me; I panicked and my heart started racing and I looked away quickly, as if even his picture might burn. Someday I'll get to the point where I don't care.

[moontiger]

*groan* I have all these "new love" feelings. And I wonder how many of them are real.

 

It's not just that I hadn't been near a man in 4.5 months; it's that things with ex were so miserable for so long before they ended that starting afresh with someone else feels like spring after a long, dead winter.

 

I'm scared that my feelings are fake.

 

I'm scared that I'm going to end up in hell again.

[moontiger]

I feel needy and clingy.

[ScienceGal]

Years ago I thought about the man in my future. When I saw him, we were in a sports car driving down the freeway at night, with the music on, with a dancy kind of beat. He was driving and I was laughing in the passenger side. I couldn't see his face. This weekend was so eerily close to that dream that I had an odd feeling of deja vu and that I'd lived it all before.

 

I like this fellow. My parents like him, unlike the unending nut parade I dated before him.

 

He finally took my hand last night--and then when I went to hug him goodbye, he held me, and then said we should sit down. And then we did, and he sat down and held me against his chest, and I could hear his heart. And--well, suddenly all the hurt and fear of the last few years, and the stress of dating again...it all came over me. I had a moment of neediness and I nuzzled into his chest in a very clingy sort of way.

 

I don't know what he thought. But he was gentle and shy and he didn't do a thing but hold me; no hair kiss, no back rub. Then (he needed to leave, and it was approaching midnight) he asked if I wanted to get up and I said no but got up anyway, and he pulled me to him again. And he asked if I was liking it, and I nodded, and he asked if I would call him tomorrow, and with my head buried against his chest I nodded yes.

 

Then I called, and he said "I was just thinking of calling you."

 

I wonder if I'm falling in love. I don't know if I've ever written that about a man before. I never loved my ex, really. Sometimes I liked him, and sometimes I admired him, and sometimes I felt sorry for him--but there was never warmth there. He was like a little boy, or an angry teenager.

 

This fellow was showing me pictures of himself and was shy, and I asked him if he felt shy and he looked down, and I stroked the back of his head. I fell then. He showed me a picture of himself wearing a stethoscope, giving a checkup to all these little schoolboys. I fell a little more.

 

I accidentally saw my ex on LinkedIn today; it spit him up in "people I might know" and there he was. Same old picture, same old job title. Fear and adrenaline flooded me; I panicked and my heart started racing and I looked away quickly, as if even his picture might burn. Someday I'll get to the point where I don't care.

 

This brought tears to my eyes.

 

Do you ever feel like you have all of the love in the world to give, and that it would be so amazing if a deserving man came along? Maybe this guy is him, maybe not. But, you know (at least some) red flags. Be smart and use that knowledge. Walk away if you have to, but take those embraces when they feel good.

 

I am so happy you shared this embrace with a seemingly sweet guy.

 

*groan* I have all these "new love" feelings. And I wonder how many of them are real.

 

It's not just that I hadn't been near a man in 4.5 months; it's that things with ex were so miserable for so long before they ended that starting afresh with someone else feels like spring after a long, dead winter.

 

I'm scared that my feelings are fake.

 

I'm scared that I'm going to end up in hell again.

 

You might end up in hell again, but I'll tell you what... you can spot a jerk. You really can, but you have to be honest with yourself. Just because he's nice sometimes, doesn't clear away all the darkness he holds. You know what I mean. You've been there, you've learned from it.

 

This last guy I dated was a total sweetheart. And as much as it sucks to see a great guy like that walk away, it was in such a kind and respectable way. The communication was solid. I have nothing negative to say about how he treated me. It still hurts, but it's not "hell" when you feel as though you've been cared for a respected.

 

Don't be scared, and don't think you're "needy". Everyone wants love and happiness. What I hate the most... crawling into an empty bed night after night. I hate it. But, it won't be forever. Just keep making the best choices for you. Keep smiling and hugging. Keep dating. Keep moving forward. Don't lose sight of what you want.

[moontiger]

You might end up in hell again, but I'll tell you what... you can spot a jerk. You really can, but you have to be honest with yourself. Just because he's nice sometimes, doesn't clear away all the darkness he holds. You know what I mean. You've been there, you've learned from it.

 

*nod* This. Thanks SG.

 

He was so nice when I met him. He was so sweet for the first six months. I thought I'd never met anyone as sweet as him. Even then, there was sweetness in him.

 

That's the hard part. Nobody is entirely good or entirely bad. The question is where you draw the line. I've never known that. My counselor told me that when the red flags started popping up, to ask my friends--ask them if whatever bad behavior a man was showing was something they would put up with.

 

New guy showed me photos of himself and his family on July 4th. If only I'd been with him then.

 

The 4th of July was a nasty night. Ex had sunk into clinical depression, and most likely he'd pretty much already decided to dump me (he pulled the trigger on July 15). He showed up two hours later than he planned so we could only make the local suburban fireworks instead of the big ones we'd planned. Then he decided he needed to jerk off to his fantasies just before we left--he went into the bathroom and shut the door, shutting me out. The last time he'd done that was when we met and we weren't ready to do more than smooch, but he needed release. The entire trip back he was cold and nasty to me, so that when we got home I fled into the bathroom crying.

 

Our uncoupling was exactly like our coupling, just backwards. Right down to breaking up by sitting on the couch together next to each other as we had when we first kissed. Then it went back to e-mail, as it had before we met. Then, nothing.

 

Anyway, while I was going through the worst night of my life, new guy was ten miles away, being wholesome with his family. What a strange thought.

[moontiger]

Bit by bit, the pieces of the breakup are going away.

 

1. I don't miss him any more.

2. I don't believe there won't ever be someone else.

3. There *is* someone else.

 

So what is left? Why am I still hurting?

 

What's left is humiliation.

 

The sick feeling of having been told by the man I had been intimate with for so long that he was not physically attracted to me, and saying in a defiant tone that physical attraction was important to him (i.e., that I was not thin enough), to preempt any argument from me.

 

The even greater humiliation of having him patronizingly try to tell me, after dropping that bomb, that attraction was subjective and different people like different things, and that just because he didn't feel it for me didn't mean that another man wouldn't. Him saying that emotionlessly, and not even seeming in the slightest bothered that there would be another man. Him having told me a few weeks before that all men held the same opinion of a woman's physical attractiveness, whereas women's attraction to men varied a lot.

 

The shame that he will always think of me as the ugly girl, and the girl whom everyone thinks is ugly--and that he probably always did.

 

The feeling that I must therefore be unattractive.

 

The memories coming back of boys on the school bus who taunted me for having glasses and braces and an overbite. The memories of telling my ex repeatedly how sensitive I was about my body and weight.

 

The distant magnanimity ex showed afterwards, in the 2.5 months it took post-breakup to unwind our lease and our life together. His repeating over and over again "if I can be of any help, let me know. If you want me to come there, let me know" in a tone that said he cared and felt responsible for me, like one cares for a pet or a small child--but that he had no interest in me whatsoever as a partner any more. Except that he cared for me somewhat less than he cared for his pet, because he'd never dump his cat.

 

That I'm coming up on five months, and ex never called again and never regretted, and never took back his words. That he probably is out there somewhere thinking how he found me unattractive. How he is probably ogling skinny chicks.

 

That is humiliation.

 

So I went and Googled "humiliation" just to see if other people have experienced anything similar.

 

I found this nice article:

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-firestone/the-poor-sandra-syndrome_b_521951.html

 

...While one would never think badly of a friend (or film star) who had been hurt by a significant other, rarely do people maintain the same standards for themselves. Instead, when they are hurt, they start to have harsh attacking thoughts toward themselves (critical inner voices) that tell them they are unlovable, foolish, pathetic or living a lie. In fact, most of the distress that people suffer in relation to painful events in their lives is caused by what they are telling themselves about the event, in terms of the critical inner voice, rather than the event itself.

When rejections hit, a person is likely to hear thoughts that almost sound as if they are coming from an outside source, thoughts like: You should have known this would happen, Look what a fool you've made of yourself, This is so humiliating, No one will ever love you, You'll never be able to find someone who really cares about you. Yet, no one else is thinking anything like this - often, not even the person they were rejected by. Therefore, these thoughts and attacks can only be coming from within.

Truly. If my friend were writing this journal, instead of me, I would not think "gee, she's so fat and ugly, she deserved to get dumped."

 

I would think the guy who dumped her and told her these things was sick, and unhappy. That she could lose the weight (if she felt like she wanted to, for herself.) But he wouldn't be able to resolve his personality issues without a lobotomy.

 

And that even if she needed to lose 20 lbs, his body wasn't perfect, either. I'd remind her although he was very, very handsome, once the clothes came off, he had a scary-looking surgical scar straight down the middle of his chest, scabs all over his (skinny) legs, a mild case of gynecomastia, and scary-looking chemical burn scars on his penis from when he had used the wrong soap to jerk off.

 

But that she never mentioned any of that to him, because it really didn't matter to her.

 

So there.

Edited December 7, 2011 by moontiger

[ScienceGal]

Oh yes, the critical inner voice. I didn't realize what it was called, but I know mine is (hopefully "was") strong. The ex told my best friend that he can never deal with me again because I am crazy. Very hurt I thought, who else did he tell? I bet he told everyone. Everyone thinks I'm crazy. I can't leave my apartment. Maybe I am crazy... and so on and so on. I spent a long time wondering how the other people in my community were seeing me and what they were thinking. Who's side would they take? Mine or his? It all seems so ridiculous now. Especially since he's dating the second or third woman since me and plasters photos of him kissing each one of them online... classy for a local businessman!

 

And this is why it's important to get a hold of that voice and silence it best you can. I fed of his social success and when he left me, I felt as though I had nothing left. I felt like those people only liked me because I was with him. That is so false. I'm working on getting a stronger sense of self, and a lot of things going for me in life that are mine. Any partner can add to me, but they will not define me, ever again.

 

I really liked that article, thanks for sharing.

 

Lastly, your ability to look past someone's flaws and see them for all that they do have is wonderful. It shows your depth of character, including your ability to truly love. All good things