mrsbigmc226 Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Ok, so I know I am probably going to get bashed for this. I am ready to accept that. I deserve it. About 5 months ago, I was at a friends house, drank a little, and slept with my friend's friend. I have been married three years. I don't blame the alcohol or anything else. I blame myself. I made a choice to cheat and now I have to live with those consequences. I told my husband at the beginning of this week. I wanted to go on with life without ever telling him, but I realized that it was not right to keep that secret. I love him and I felt that he deserved to make a choice on whether he still loved me or not. I felt that honesty was the only way to even begin to save our marriage. My husband was obviously extremely hurt by what I did. He was even more hurt that I kept it hidden for 5 months. However, he decided to stay. The past few days, I have answered any questions he has. I have been writing love notes and doing things to try to prove to him that I do love him. I have also deleted email accounts, facebook accounts, etc so there would be no avenue for me to be talking to a guy and making him feel uncomfortable. Any suggestions on anything else I can do? (If you're going to say I don't deserve him, I know. If you're going to say I'm the scum of the earth, trust me, I KNOW. If you're going to say I deserve a divorce, I know. So, please, just move on to another post if you have nothing constructive to say.) Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 I like how you don't call it a mistake nor blame it on the alcohol. You seem to be well grounded. You are not the scum of the earth. You displayed terrible judgement, you've hurt this man in ways you probably don't really even understand, and you really need to figure out WHY you did it. But that act, in and of itself, does not make you "evil". Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If you want to stay with your husband, and he is willing to try, you need to be an open book from now on, completely transparent (at least until he begins to trust you again). Avoid going anywhere socially without him. Make sure he knows where you are at all times, check in frequently. Give him the password to any cell phone, email account, facebook, etc so he can check up on you. Do not let yourself become offended by this. It's a normal and necessary part of rebuilding trust. Tell him you love him, a lot. Tell him you're sorry, a lot. Answer any and all questions honestly. Even when he asks them over and over, and he will. Reconciliation is a long process. You'll have to have patience, as will he. Understand he'll have outbursts of anger. Try not to fight back. Realize his mind will almost certainly replay images of you and your lover, over and over, often at the most inopportune times. It's not his fault, he can't just "get over it". Comfort him when that happens. Time will fade all this, but that time will probably be measured in years, not days or months. Fight hard. Consider marriage counseling. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 1st lets start with what could have been so bad with your mge.---that you would have sex with a stranger---by the way, was this guy a stranger???? What kind of a situation were you in that you were at a friends house, w/out your H., but with other men present Next lets get to the nitty-gritty---WHY----you knew you were going thru stop sign after stop sign to have your tryst---so again WHY, and if you can't tell us why---then you certainly can tell us what you were thinking You couldn't have loved your H., very much, if you would knowingly did that to him---same for any children you might have-----so now how do you tell your H. you love him, when you did this to him---what is his reaction when you try to convince him that you love him You know your big fight is gonna be with his sub-conscious---that is what brings out his visions, ---how are you handling his triggers---do you hold him, and help him thru his pain???? Are you an open book about EVERYTHING Getting back to why---did you have any F O O problems You must know why you were so willing, and ready to blow up your mge, your life , and your H. life----WHY?????? Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 A lapse of judgment does not make you a bad person. The hardest part is over. You confessed, and your husband decided to stay. This is great news. I agree with what reboot commented. It seems like you are doing all you can do. Keep being loving and reassuring your husband that you value him and your marriage. Also, keep in mind that the single most important thing for you to do is to allow him to forgive you in his own way/time. I am sure you want to put it all behind you because you carried the secret for 5 months, but realize he is just beginning to process it. This may mean that it will still be brought up weeks or months from now. Don't get frustrated by this, ever (or control it if you do). Best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrsbigmc226 Posted July 31, 2011 Author Share Posted July 31, 2011 First of all, I do love my husband. I did something wrong, yes. I destroyed our marriage, yes. However, I DO love him. My husband and I were having problems and no the guy was not a complete stranger. He was an acquaintance, not much better. Either way, I consider this information to be irrelevant. My marital problems do not excuse having sex with someone else. I did not and do not want my husband to leave me. However, I will accept whatever his choices are in the future regarding this situation. When he's dealing with this, I answer EVERY question. I sit with him and yes I do hold him. Even though I don't deserve to. I am completely an open book. I have nothing to hide and am trying to hide nothing. I think I will have to be this way always in order to bring back any hope of trust. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 I commend you for confessing (still a bit late) and willing to accept the consequences of your actions. I think it is important that the both of you get tested for STD's. The problem of not telling him immediately has led to you putting his health at risk in addition to you as well. It sounds like you are doing the right things now. If the roles were reversed what would you want your husband to be doing for you? Maybe this will help you in caring for him. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 You still haven't come up with the WHY, ----you knew what you were doing, you knew the consequences---so WHY did you allow it to happen What were you thinking at every step of the way---as you flirted, then made small talk, then went with him to the room you had sex in, then had foreplay, then allowed him to take you----you went thru stop sign after stop sign----you had to know what you were thinking Why did it happen, did you think you wouldn't be caught You cant fix your mge, till you fix yourself---to fix yourself, you have to know and address the WHY Link to post Share on other sites
Hazel_eyes Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 I have to commend you, I think you have handled this painful situation as delicately and gracefully as possible. Cheating was wrong, you get that it was a horrible and unloving thing to do. However you have owned to your mistake, and respected your husband enough to confess this to him. Many people don't do that. You seem to legitimately want this to work. I think you have made really great steps towards working to mend this situation. The only thing I would recommend is that I think that you guys need to go to marriage counseling. You mentioned you were having problems before, and obviously this is a huge problem, so a neutral third party helping you evaluate how it got to this point would be extremely good. It would provide a safe place to get things out in the open and work towards eliminating those problems and mending this relationship. It would also help you as a couple figure out the 'why' that everyone is talking about and prevent it from happening again. Infidelity is horrible and painful, but not impossible for a marriage to overcome. Best of luck to you guys! Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Edited: Any suggestions on anything else I can do? (If you're going to say I don't deserve him, I know. If you're going to say I'm the scum of the earth, trust me, I KNOW. If you're going to say I deserve a divorce, I know. So, please, just move on to another post if you have nothing constructive to say.) Seriously you sound like you had a one night stand verses a full blown affair, in that way it is a wee bit different. Yes you slept with someone outside your marriage vows. I think you get that concept and regret the harm created. So I'll tell you what worked for some: Buy some chapstick and get used to bending over backwards to make amends. You'll no doubt get tired after awhile and think that you did your "time" in making up for this oppsy, but the reality is, its a life sentence . It will lessen in time if he so chooses to stay but the action is yours to continually Prove that you regret that mistake. Stop the hand holding with the spouse, he deserves to come to terms without the overdoing it. Be honest without being hurtful. Be guarded when need be. He doesn't need to hear how you felt unloved or you did it on a whim, neither of them sit well when the actions are what they are. Overall I hope you'll get some short term counseling for this, I doubt this is the first or last time this type of behavior will occur. Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 You cant fix your mge, till you fix yourself---to fix yourself, you have to know and address the WHY I agree with the above...I would recommend individual therapy to find out why you did what you did. That is extremely important because, regardless of whether this relationship works out or not, you need to know why you allowed yourself to cross a line and how you can not go to that place again where it was okay to do so. Finding out the why is important but not easy, because even if it was just one time, you allowed it to happen. Why were your boundaries weakened? If there was something missing in your marriage, why did you look elsewhere rather than working on it with your H? It's things like that you need to think through. Link to post Share on other sites
fallenenvy Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 The first thing you need to be able to do is acknowledge reality. No, you don't love your husband if you cheated on him and destroyed your marriage. That's the opposite of love. If screwing around on your spouse fits into your definition of "love," then how do you treat the people that you don't love? You want to be able to have done the act--the cheating--without being stuck with the consequences. Well one of those consequences is that you have to acknowledge that you don't love your husband. You can't have it both ways. You can't blatantly cheat on your husband, lie to him for five months, and then equate that with "love" for him. . I kinda think that person is an ass. You took a good step and admitted it. Because you cheated does NOT mean you don't love your husband. We all do really stupid things in life and alcohal certainly doesn't help. It lowers our inhibitions and we end up doing things we wouldn't normally. A one night stand isn't an emotional affair; it's sex. It doesn't have damn thing to do with love. I think you are doing the right thing. Waiting 5 months was bad but hey.. why fret over something you can't change now? Keep showing him love and affection and accept any mistrust he may have towards you. Keep being open like you are being and for gods sake learn from your mistake so you don't have to go through this hell a second time. Your husband obviously cares for you or he would've been out the door with the infidelity. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 To make your BH feel secure not only do you have to go NC with the OM but with the friend in common that you and the OM share. This friend is not a friend of the marriage. This friend allowed you to drink too nuch with the OM, lets the OM back to their place providing a place for the OM to do you. Your BH can never feel safe with you around this friend. There always will be the chance that where this friend is the OM will not be far. Not away to go NC. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 mrsbigmc, you'd do well to lean how to use the ignore feature. Certain posters are not here to help you. Link to post Share on other sites
MusicMan1234 Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Well, you really should have told him right away...five months is a long time to keep a secret from the person you're meant to have no secrets with. Have you asked yourself why you cheated? Were you feeling unloved at the time? I think if you really want to save your marriage you must be prepared to totally sacrifice your liberty to your husband, as in, he must know every move you make, because you've destroyed his trust in you. On top of that, you must put in alot of effort to make his life as exciting and comfortable with you as possible. Dote on him, but give him space as well as he's in alot of pain right now. It will take a long time for him to forgive you, and indeed he may not forgive you completely, but if you are prepared to work hard for the CHANCE that your marriage may be saved, then go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 First of all, I do love my husband. I did something wrong, yes. I destroyed our marriage, yes. However, I DO love him. My husband and I were having problems and no the guy was not a complete stranger. He was an acquaintance, not much better. Either way, I consider this information to be irrelevant. My marital problems do not excuse having sex with someone else. I did not and do not want my husband to leave me. However, I will accept whatever his choices are in the future regarding this situation. When he's dealing with this, I answer EVERY question. I sit with him and yes I do hold him. Even though I don't deserve to. I am completely an open book. I have nothing to hide and am trying to hide nothing. I think I will have to be this way always in order to bring back any hope of trust. You are simply lying to yourself, and to all of us. (but we don't care, so it is only yourself that you have to live with) The only reason you informed your husband of your cheating was the deep-within-you wish that HE would respond by ending the relationship. You came to a fork in the road, where you could say nothing, and your husband would not be caused to hurt at all. You instead opted, purely of your own will, to inform him that you'd cheated some time back, and deliberately hurt him. Whether or not this is about releasing your own guilty feelings is secondary. They don't matter one iota when contrasted to your having deliberately hurt the person you profess to love. Your husband should leave the marriage at once. Not because you cheated, but because you opted to tell him about it. He'd just be saving X years of time invested in you, which might be better put to use with a sincere partner down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
speedster Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 First of all, I do love my husband. I did something wrong, yes. I destroyed our marriage, yes. However, I DO love him. My husband and I were having problems and no the guy was not a complete stranger. He was an acquaintance, not much better. Either way, I consider this information to be irrelevant. My marital problems do not excuse having sex with someone else. I did not and do not want my husband to leave me. However, I will accept whatever his choices are in the future regarding this situation. When he's dealing with this, I answer EVERY question. I sit with him and yes I do hold him. Even though I don't deserve to. I am completely an open book. I have nothing to hide and am trying to hide nothing. I think I will have to be this way always in order to bring back any hope of trust. having been on the receiving end of such news recently, i can assure you his mind is racing and his heart is.. well, it's been flattened. he is now wondering if this has happened before. how many times. he's wondering about every single phone number in your contact list. he is wondering if it was more than what you are confessing. he's thinking it's a LOT worse than it probably is. you are doing the right things by answering questions right away, sitting with him, being an open book and accepting responsibility. relieve his mind by going through your phone with him. your computer. your car. he's just waiting to find a condom wrap, man's sock, or something incriminating. he's not looking for it, but is afraid he'll stumble across something. be patient. you have no idea the pain he is enduring. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 I'm wondering how old you and your H., are-----You really were pretty nonchalent about the whole sex thing, I'm thinking maybe you are in your 20's?????? You went to your friends house, and you had sex---plain and simple---is it that sex is just something done to satisfy you---like say eating-----I really don't understand how you could have just gone and allowed yourself to be taken, especially since you say alcohol was not a factor What was it---you just wanted it,------are you not mature enuff to know that actions/choices have consequences-----You didn't think about it at that point in time, you just wanted to be taken, and your mge. wasn't gonna stand in your way----AM I RIGHT???? As one of last couple of posters asked---WHY did you tell your H---you were away completely free, you had pulled off your ONS, and your H. was clueless----WHY did you tell, or are we not getting the whole story If you are asuaging your guilt, that is fine, and in all actuality your H. deserved to know------but you must know he will have the vision of another man inside of you the rest of his life----it doesn't go away. There are those who say it does---the vision may not be there as often, but it doesn't go away------ He has given you the greatest gift you will ever get a 2nd chance-----you need to do everything you can to benefit the mge, and make his pain and suffering bearable. Link to post Share on other sites
Kidd Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 You are simply lying to yourself, and to all of us. (but we don't care, so it is only yourself that you have to live with) The only reason you informed your husband of your cheating was the deep-within-you wish that HE would respond by ending the relationship. You came to a fork in the road, where you could say nothing, and your husband would not be caused to hurt at all. You instead opted, purely of your own will, to inform him that you'd cheated some time back, and deliberately hurt him. Whether or not this is about releasing your own guilty feelings is secondary. They don't matter one iota when contrasted to your having deliberately hurt the person you profess to love. Your husband should leave the marriage at once. Not because you cheated, but because you opted to tell him about it. He'd just be saving X years of time invested in you, which might be better put to use with a sincere partner down the road. Nonsense. Keep doing what you're doing. You fessed up. Good. Now you also have to fix it. If he gives you one chance, then success is completely in proportion to how much you do to make it work. As a recently BS, you can't overdo making the effort. More hand holding, more apologies, more sex, all of it. But you weren't wrong to fess up. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 I have a hard time believing you truly loved your husband before you cheated on him. Loving, caring spouses just don't have sex with someone else on whim or impulse, nor do they put themselves in that position. I think to truly move on and heal, you need to get to the bottom of this. I can see (and have heard) that stepping out can 'open one's eyes' to what they've put on the line however. My father shared as much with me. When he saw the damage he'd done it shocked and changed him profoundly. You did right by confessing, and you're doing right now. But no matter how hard you try to make up for it, there is damage to your husband that you cannot fix. Only he can. It seems he wants to, by the tone of your post. You are lucky and in a way so is he. Most wayward's fall and keep falling. If there was ever a candidate for MC, it would be you two. Choose wisely; the wrong person can do more harm than good. I'd suggest a non-denominational church elder or minister...even if (and this may be a good thing) they're not 'trained'. A life coach can help too, or a trusted couple that you admire and respect. The key is desire, and you have it. Step one is finding out why, step two is preventing it from happening again. Good luck. I admire and respect your courage to post for help. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 Nonsense. Keep doing what you're doing. You fessed up. Good. Now you also have to fix it. If he gives you one chance, then success is completely in proportion to how much you do to make it work. As a recently BS, you can't overdo making the effort. More hand holding, more apologies, more sex, all of it. But you weren't wrong to fess up. Oh yes she was wrong to fess up... and doubly so for it having been many months later. The husband is a fool to give her "one chance" given those circumstances, and with it their marriage just becomes one more instance of two wrongs trying to make a right, and perhaps buying a little more time in so doing. The ONLY reason such a partner would inform her spouse of a past affair of the sort which might not otherwise be found-out by the spouse first, is their own deep desire that the wronged spouse will react by ending the relationship. This ploy brings to the surface the fact that the unfaithful spouse is too weak/chicken to initiate the break-up themself. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 Hey sincere---so are you saying her ONS, was basically an exit A. Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 My husband was obviously extremely hurt by what I did. He was even more hurt that I kept it hidden for 5 months. However, he decided to stay. The past few days, I have answered any questions he has. I have been writing love notes and doing things to try to prove to him that I do love him. I have also deleted email accounts, facebook accounts, etc so there would be no avenue for me to be talking to a guy and making him feel uncomfortable. Any suggestions on anything else I can do? (If you're going to say I don't deserve him, I know. If you're going to say I'm the scum of the earth, trust me, I KNOW. If you're going to say I deserve a divorce, I know. So, please, just move on to another post if you have nothing constructive to say.) well you don't know how tempting it is to tell you like it is. but I'll refrain(for now) what else can you do? stay home for one thing. partying is out, drinking is out, girls nights out are out. act like a wife, or take steps to not be one. (not that wives can't go out and have fun, but you have proven you can't be trusted, therefore losing the privilege) Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 A lapse of judgment does not make you a bad person. its not lapses in judgement that do this. its what is in one's character to do something like this that does. Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 A lifetime of pain for few minutes of pleasure- Try some MC. It's going to take a while before your H can start trusting you again. If he ever does. There are people who could never rebuild it. Something must have been off in your R that you actually took the jump. Be ready to give up some of the freedom you once enjoyed though. Kudos for having the courage to tell your H the truth though. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 Normal judgement for a married woman, who had any kind of maturity, would have thought of the consequences, and known that she was bringing a nuclear winter to her mge----- Link to post Share on other sites
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