Boyfriend back and forth between me and another woman

[flutterbykiss]

Hi all,

 

My bf (partner really) of 18 months and I have had a really rough relationship and broken up at least 3 times. During those breakups he always goes back to the same woman - someone he had casual sex with before we got together.

 

It feels like he is going back and forth between us and I would have dumped him for that except that he only sees her after we have broken up and spends the whole time we are apart asking me to come back and always leaves her to come back to me as soon as I agree to give him another chance. He claims this proves that I'm the one he wants and he is just using her to fill the void when I'm gone.

 

He claims he only goes back to her coz she is easy and it's true that she is a really loose sort of person eg, was cheating on her partner of 12 yrs when they were initially sleeping together. I would (maybe) believe that if he hadn't asked her to be exclusive on two of the occasions he went back to her.

 

Sorry for the long post. I could really use some objective opinions. Am I fooling myself that I'm special to him?

[flutterbykiss]

Ps: BF also claims he only asked her to be exclusive because she does sleep around and he wanted her to be available when he wanted her.

[cutily]

I'm sorry but right now you are disrespecting yourself.

 

He is not going back and forth between you two, you are lowering yourself to take him back everytime.

 

Girls like you always think they are the strong one because he comes back to them but that is not true, otherwise he wouldn't go back to her, I think you are played by both of them, and you should get out of this ASAP because it is unhealthy. And I know what I'm saying because I was the other girl, at one point I left the guy and was praying for his girlfriend to dump his ass because he would continue to disrespect her with another girl.

 

You're worth way better than that.

[Eddie Edirol]

Forget about whether or not youre speial to him. Bottom line is the relationship between you and him NEVER works. You have to accept that at some point and let this relationship go permanently. You say its a rough relationship, but you will never understand that you shouldnt stay in it until you get into one that is much smoother. Dump him for good, he is risking giving you an STD that his booty call might give him - that she got from someone else. He also knows that its easy for you to take him back when you know he doesnt need you after the breakup, makes you want him more. When he has her as a backup and you have nothing, it works. Stop letting it work, and cut this one loose, let her have him.

[carhill]

Sounds like the other lady is a fµck-buddy or FWB arrangement, the 'go-to' gal when he breaks up. He may have other such arrangements as backup, considering how he described her and how casually he moves from relationship to sport-fµcking.

 

IMO, he's no prize but proof of his empirical social success is in the pudding; he's tying up the interest and time of at least two women. Hope no sons get socialized out of that dynamic, lest another generation of same is brought to the world. YMMV>

[stillafool]

My thoughts are if he says those things about her to you, what is he telling her about you? I'm sure he's telling her something, and it probably ain't pretty. Dump him and get yourself a boyfriend who doesn't want you to share him with someone else. If you don't extract yourself from the triangle, it will go on forever.

[Finch]

You've broken up at least three times in a year and a half - as EE pointed out the relationship is not working. Multiple breakups are generally an indication that two people aren't fit to be together. It starts out well, you breakup, emotions run high and then you get the "enjoyment" of reconciliation. Inevitably it doesn't work, and the cycle begins again. Some people find themselves continuing in these types of situations because they become addicted to the emotional "high" provided by the drama of it all. Is it healthy? No. Should you leave? Yes.

 

Ps: BF also claims he only asked her to be exclusive because she does sleep around and he wanted her to be available when he wanted her.

And now he has you both available when he wants you. Take what carhill said to heart and look at how casually your boyfriend moves on to his other woman when the two of you separate. You call him your partner, but a partner implies that the person is working with you to benefit and strengthen the relationship, not breaking it down by sleeping with other people and putting you at risk.

[carhill]

I call multiple breakup/makeup R's 'rubber band relationships' because the band gets stretched almost to the breaking point (go separate ways forever) then 'snaps back' with all the drama and emotional highs of the infatuation phase. This type of a relationship is a drama addict's dream. I've gotten unwittingly sucked into these a few times before I finally figured out what was going on; the style is incompatible for myself, but such may not be the case for the OP and BF. I've known marriages which have gone on like this for years. Separate, reconcile, have affair, reconcile, get cheated on, reconcile, bla, bla.

 

Yeah, if you're still having sexual relations with this guy, definitely use protection and get tested for STD's regularly. If his fµck-buddy is promiscuous, you're exposed to all the men she's having sex with, not to mention any other women he's bedding (who knows?). Good luck.

[flutterbykiss]

Thanks for the feedback, everyone.

 

Girls like you always think they are the strong one because he comes back to them but that is not true, otherwise he wouldn't go back to her, I think you are played by both of them....

 

Not quite sure what you mean by that cutily

 

In my defensive, I'd like to say that It's always me that walks out and I have never sat around waiting for him OR asked him to come back to me, so I don't feel like he has me on a string or that he is cheating (although, judging by some of the responses, I think I gave that impression).

 

My problem is that I question his feelings for her. She certainly is the 'go-to gal', carhill. FWB's has never worked for me, though, so I don't get how it's possible to sleep with someone multiple times and not get attached. Does it mean something that he always goes back to her whereas I choose to move on with my life with someone new?

 

'Touche' on the relationship comments. It's very true we don't function together. If we did, I probably wouldn't feel threatened by her. You've given me a lot to think about.

[cutily]

I witnessed my sister saying the same thing because her cheating husband would come back home all the time. But that's just because it's comfortable, you'll take him back because you are so in love and it's easy. But you have no idea what he is telling the other girl.

 

For my own little story, I had phone conversations with the girlfriend of the guy I was with several times, and I was lying to the girl telling her that we were just friends and that nothing had happened, he never told her what was going on between us, she had to snoop in his phone, but I sure knew a lot of things about her.

 

And the key is that you feel like he has feelings for her and you feel threatened that's important, you shouldn't have to feel this way about your boyfriend, you should be his everything and feel this way.

 

Move on and fine another guy that will make you feel special and like no other girl will ever be as important to him as you (except his mother).

[stillafool]

My problem is that I question his feelings for her. She certainly is the 'go-to gal', carhill.

 

What is it you question about his feelings for her?

[flutterbykiss]

I witnessed my sister saying the same thing because her cheating husband would come back home all the time. But that's just because it's comfortable, you'll take him back because you are so in love and it's easy. But you have no idea what he is telling the other girl.

 

I appreciate your feedback (and your sister has my sympathies) but I'm pretty sure we are talking about two different situations. Why does it matter what he is telling her when we aren't together?

 

And the key is that you feel like he has feelings for her and you feel threatened that's important, you shouldn't have to feel this way about your boyfriend, you should be his everything and feel this way.

 

I totally agree with this and it's an issue that goes beyond his FWB. Thanks for putting it so well:)

 

Stillafool. I question whether or not the fact that he keeps seeing the same FWB indicates that he has emotional ties with her. Maybe I'm being paranoid but I hate that she wants him to cheat on me with her. In my opinion if a 'go-to gal' starts to threaten your relationship then you don't 'go' there again. I feel threatened because it doesn't seem to have affected his opinion of her.

[Eddie Edirol]

Why does it matter what he is telling her when we aren't together?

Because it could be the way he gets to keep sleeping with her when you guys break up. Kinda like how a married man keeps a mistress on the side by telling her that he will get divorced soon, but he knows he never will, he just wants the sex. Your ex's booty call might have feelings for him to keep sleeping with him, and he exploits her that way.

 

 

 

Stillafool. I question whether or not the fact that he keeps seeing the same FWB indicates that he has emotional ties with her. Maybe I'm being paranoid but I hate that she wants him to cheat on me with her. In my opinion if a 'go-to gal' starts to threaten your relationship then you don't 'go' there again. I feel threatened because it doesn't seem to have affected his opinion of her.

 

I dont think it would work in his favor to be able to easily get sex with a woman that he was chasing. If hes chasing her affection, she wouldnt be waiting around for him. I think its that she is chasing him, and thats how he gets to use her as a back up lay when you break up. Its perfectly easy to keep going back to the same woman for sex that is hoping she will get a relationship out of him. BUT, she might just like sex with him and isnt really into him romantically. Its easy for a guy to look not-hungry to other women when he is getting steady sex. That way, if he is sleeping with her, and he wants another girlfriend, he doesnt have to chase the new girl, for sex, and the new girl thinks he is a gentleman.

[flutterbykiss]

Its easy for a guy to look not-hungry to other women when he is getting steady sex. That way, if he is sleeping with her, and he wants another girlfriend, he doesnt have to chase the new girl, for sex, and the new girl thinks he is a gentleman.

 

I don't really get the 'scratching-an-itch' approach to sex but everyone is different. He says he goes for something casual because he does need sex but doesn't want to start over with a new relationship. I guess that's similar.

 

Thanks so much for the male perspective, EE, and thanks everyone for your comments.