Needing to Vent - On Dumpers.......

[Wesker]

I need to vent for some reason, and this seems to be the best place to do it; instead of calling the ex, or bugging my friends.

 

Got dumped a couple months ago after being together for almost 8 years. Got the lame excuse of "being stuck", drifting apart, and her not being happy for over a year now. Obviously I was crushed to the max. I have to vent though how the hell can she, or any dumper just string someone along for a year? How can you invest so much time with someone, yet quit on them just like that? I feel like such a schmuck for going above & beyond for her not just for the past year, but for the entire relationship. And to be so cold, emotionless while dumping me just added even more pain. How can someone put weeks, to months deciding to leave a person, and check out completely at the same time? Yet not once try to at least talking to the person about what they are feeling, and seeing if there is anyway to fix things. I get relationships don't work out sometimes, and that the best option is to part ways. But pondering for a year, really?

 

I was never a dumper, but if I were; I would never string someone along. I would lay my options out, and think about it for 2 weeks tops. Even then I would try one last chance to fix whatever may be broken, and if it doesn't work, at least we can both say we tried. It'll still hurt, but I don't think as much as just dumping them out of the blue, and leave them with some dignity. Since they prolly had someone else lined up prior too, that in my mind is considered cheating. Not physically, but emotionally. How can you live with yourself being with someone, if even barely, yet want someone else? You don't have the guts to break it off then, and rather take the cowards way, procrastinating until there's no way back?

 

I guess one consolation on dumpers like this is that they'll most likely be old, and alone in the end. Spend all that time trying to stay in the "honeymoon" phase 24/7, and not realizing what they really had was just as good. I hope this wasn't too long to read, or boring. I just needed to vent my frustration about people like this. Thanks

[sleepykitten]

I totally hear you....my ex dumped me after 2 yrs, got an e mail today-11 wks post break up, full of cliches like-we were both unhappy at that time, drifting apart i wanted some "me time" or time without you etc etc, he totally failed to register the reason i was unhappy at that time was because he had totally checked out of the relationship and i could tell yet he didnt talk to me about it, just stopped doing any of those little things like nice texts, notes, making any effort etc and went out all the time with his friends. He ended the mail saying he still didnt have the answers but he does know he loves me and always will. ....

What BS, this mail has just made me really irritated and reminds me of how he made me feel during the last 8 mths of our relationship.

[SillyS]

That's the worst part, feeling like someone just wasted your time. My ex was just angry for the last two months of the relationship, he had decided that I had wronged him out of the blue and that everything was my fault. I just didn't understand what flipped a switch in his mind, I still didn't. I will happily take the blame, and realize that we as a collective group were putting in all this effort into people that in the end wouldn't do the same for us. That would take us for granted, and everything we have ever done for them to improve their lives and start a new one together.

 

Just a shame, that dumpers quit often so easily and look at things so one-sided forgetting all the good and focusing on the bad. Ah well, we will survive in the end. Just like I said, wish I wouldn't feel like I wasted my time believing someone that was so full of it. Next time, who am I kidding, next guy that wants to get involved with me will have to tackle me to stop me from running after I take off my heels and wrap my heart close to my body.

 

Wesker, I'm sorry you are in pain, but its always nice to remember that both sexes experience this and that we shouldn't group all men or women in the horrible people spectrum. Hopefully, you will find someone better for you and learn from this experience.

[ScienceGal]

Just a shame, that dumpers quit often so easily and look at things so one-sided forgetting all the good and focusing on the bad. Ah well, we will survive in the end. Just like I said, wish I wouldn't feel like I wasted my time believing someone that was so full of it.

 

True story. And those who give up so easily, don't deserve you. Be grateful she finally left, and didn't just keep you forever because she could.

 

It sounds to me like she emotionally detached before actually leaving. I have done this before, but it was in a toxic relationship. I fought until I just couldn't fight anymore.

 

It is a waste of time to try to figure out what the dumper was and is thinking. That said, I am still running circles in my mind trying to figure it out with my ex, and so will you. It's not a choice, it's just part of processing and moving on, so don't beat yourself up about it. Your relationship was long, so recovering is going to take time, a lot of time. Just go with it and take emotions as they come, there will be SO many of them from anger to depression to wanting her back, but know that there is an end and when you get there you will be OK. Keep posting on here and if you haven't already, stop all contact with her immediately (I am assuming there are no children involved?).

 

Good luck!

[stillafool]

OP, I think that last year the two of you were together, your ex probably thought she was giving it a chance but without telling you so. So at the end of that last year, she was done. She should have told you she was unhappy and what she was unhappy about long before you split. I'm sorry you're still hurting. 8 years is a long time, why didn't you two get married earlier?

[Wesker]

OP, I think that last year the two of you were together, your ex probably thought she was giving it a chance but without telling you so. So at the end of that last year, she was done. She should have told you she was unhappy and what she was unhappy about long before you split. I'm sorry you're still hurting. 8 years is a long time, why didn't you two get married earlier?

 

 

It's a bit complicated. She got married, and divorced pretty young, so marriage wasn't exactly a top priority for her. I was planning to ask either this fall, or next year though. If she was unhappy for that long, she sure didn't show it. Some of the things I did for her, she would always get excited, and tell me "I'll always love you forever". I only really started noticing something was different the last few weeks. She was really stressed, and kept telling me "I feel like I need some kind of change". I asked her repeatedly if that meant me, and she always would respond by smiling and saying "Of course not, I love you forever" blah blah blah. What a load a crap that was. Which is another reason to vent. How can she, or any dumper just blatantly lie like that? And we weren't exactly some young couple in our 20's either. She's 35, and I'm 32, so talking about our problems shouldn't be that hard anymore, should it?

[livingroomsciolist]

wow, shouldn't say i'm "glad" to hear about your situation, but I can empathize - I just vented out on the "letter to your ex" thread, but um my ex strung me along for 5 months after he confessed his love to another girl, but was too much of a coward to confront me, and instead of breaking it off like he should have, he signed a year lease with me on a new apartment! Two weeks later, after noticing "odd" behavior, I find a letter to the other woman.

 

I don't understand treating people as replaceable objects. I don't understand being in your 30s and somehow avoiding developing ANY adult communication skills.

[dicky_fish]

Sucks don't it? My girlfriend came out to me about cheating on me, begged for forgiveness, when I said ok I'll give it another go she promptly asked me to move in with her, I quit my job where I was and prepared to move cities when the following week she broke up with me spouting the cliches "I'm just not a relationship person", "I need to be a free spirit", "I can't live with myself for what I've done to you"

 

According to some of her friends I was never part of our plans to move in together.

[skibum]

I absolutely agree with you. The right way to do it would be to let the other person know of the feelings and then you can work on it together. If it then gfalls apart, then at least you gave it a fair shot. This BS of doing it otu of the blue is just a sign of immaturity.

 

My ex of 5 and a half years gave me all the same cliches: "growing apart", "not in love anymore", "its not because i met someone else". Then a month later she is telling another guy she loves him, the same guy she promised she wasnt leaving me for? haha and to think that she told me I wasnt as mature as her.

 

Now that is one of the worst ways to break up with someone. Stringing you along for a year without letting you know they are emotionally checkign out, and then only breaking up once they have a safe backup plan. There is no good time to break up with someone but there is a good way and a shi**y way.

 

The good thing about that is that the person shows such a drastically different side of them and that made me feel like I absolutely had no clue who they were anymore and the girl I fell in love with was long gone. I want nothing to do with this new person and that made moving on so much easier. I have never dumped someone but if I do it wont be in such a selfish, deceitful way.

[Wesker]

I absolutely agree with you. The right way to do it would be to let the other person know of the feelings and then you can work on it together. If it then gfalls apart, then at least you gave it a fair shot. This BS of doing it otu of the blue is just a sign of immaturity.

 

My ex of 5 and a half years gave me all the same cliches: "growing apart", "not in love anymore", "its not because i met someone else". Then a month later she is telling another guy she loves him, the same guy she promised she wasnt leaving me for? haha and to think that she told me I wasnt as mature as her.

 

Now that is one of the worst ways to break up with someone. Stringing you along for a year without letting you know they are emotionally checkign out, and then only breaking up once they have a safe backup plan. There is no good time to break up with someone but there is a good way and a shi**y way.

 

The good thing about that is that the person shows such a drastically different side of them and that made me feel like I absolutely had no clue who they were anymore and the girl I fell in love with was long gone. I want nothing to do with this new person and that made moving on so much easier. I have never dumped someone but if I do it wont be in such a selfish, deceitful way.

 

That's how I'm kinda looking at it, trying to move on. She was so cold, and emotionless, almost like a robot, when she dumped me that the person I loved to death seemed to have died to me. I read a quote on here by someone saying "You don't really know someone until they break up with you". That rings so true.

[Rorschach64]

Yeah Wesker I just had the same thing happen to me, perfect relationship even engaged and out of no where she broke up with me for no solid good reason, totally acted cold, robotic, and a total witch. Called me a pathetic, idiotic, and I should wallow in my own **** all because I didn't want to give up on us after a week of being broken up.

[giuliano-3]

Stringing someone along is a cruel action, yet we who are being strung along can cut those strings at any point. During the relationship its tougher to do, many times we choose not to see what is really going on.

 

All I can say is give it time, those red flags will start popping up with the benefit of hindsight. I predict many "a-hah" moments in your near future, Wesker.

 

Its just simply easier to string someone along and bide your time until opportunity strikes. Confronting issues takes caring about resolving them. Breaking up the right way is a massive expense of energy and emotion. If your ex did neither it means they truly didn't care about the future of the relationship and would rather live in dishonesty/shame than put forth the effort to act like a human being should. Either way ScienceGal is right, be grateful.

[lovesickmonkey]

The more I read on this forum, the more things stay the same ... so many of us having nearly identical experiences ... and then having nearly identical thoughts about our feelings, which are nearly identical. It's like I drove home tonight and the thoughts that went through my head were basically the same as Wesker's post. It makes me try all the harder to get inside the head of a dumper. Why do they stick around so long after falling out of love? Maybe they still enjoy a few things ... watching TV together, sex, talking ... but they know they're not being fair and must end it ... some day. They know it's going to kill you so they're hesitant. And when they tell you the bad news, the last thing they want is to get the fifth degree by someone in emotional agony ... I think the natural response is to get angry. They want to silence your pathetic questioning because they can't stand it ... so they get nasty and angry. Mine said she never loved me and is not even remotely sexually aroused by me ... so silly to say that after having just spent two years sleeping with me and saying I love you every day ... but hurtful enough to make me want to stop bugging her. Right? It seems so villainous to us that the person we love more than life would suddenly be the meanest person on earth but I'm fairly certain that that's how most people react in that situation UNLESS they are very emotionally mature and empathetic and face the music. How many of us will remember to dump someone the right way when we get into a loveless relationship? Can it happen to us??

[reimeivn]

you ever wonder why we are here? i think almost all the breakups came and took us by surprise. and that is the worst kind of breakup. because we know that it doesnt always work out, but for the love we put in, we expect it to end in a much better way. In a way that it just doesnt work out, and you are still you, and the ex still the same one you felt in love with, and that is the only way that the time you spent with him/her was a precious time in your life. like you never lost that much.

 

at least we thought so at first.

 

but then, breakups are just breakups. they cant be your friends afterward. and thats good. and that made the way they broke up with you even better, because it was worse than you expected it to be.

[Sugarkane]

I totally agree with you. I don't know what the hell goes through dumpers minds. My ex dumped me by text and insulted me, after dating a year. As the coward refused to even have a breakup conversation with me, I'm at a loss to what the hell he was thinking. And yet this assclown thinks he can do better than me.

[radiodarcy]

I was never a dumper, but if I were; I would never string someone along. I would lay my options out, and think about it for 2 weeks tops. Even then I would try one last chance to fix whatever may be broken, and if it doesn't work, at least we can both say we tried. It'll still hurt, but I don't think as much as just dumping them out of the blue, and leave them with some dignity. Since they prolly had someone else lined up prior too, that in my mind is considered cheating. Not physically, but emotionally. How can you live with yourself being with someone, if even barely, yet want someone else? You don't have the guts to break it off then, and rather take the cowards way, procrastinating until there's no way back?

 

I guess one consolation on dumpers like this is that they'll most likely be old, and alone in the end. Spend all that time trying to stay in the "honeymoon" phase 24/7, and not realizing what they really had was just as good. I hope this wasn't too long to read, or boring. I just needed to vent my frustration about people like this. Thanks

 

this is so true! i try to put myself in his shoes and see things from his point of view as the dumper. but it's not easy because even though i've never dumped anyone either - - i'm a very straightforward, analytical person; who goes by the treat others as you would like to be treated rule.

 

and i certainly can't see myself stringing someone along for months on end, being uncommunicative and keeping everything inside; and then send that person a screaming e-mail telling him that he needed to move on because he never made them feel like i could be myself; that i'm planning on dating other guys and that if he still wants to be friends, he has to listen to me talk about those guys whether he likes it or not. and oh - - that deep down, i still consider him a friend.

[Leftie88]

Oh how i wish this thread existed much earlier! trying to get into the head of the dumper is like a vicious circle because we will never get the answers we are looking for. But they're not worth it if they treat us this way! My ex too said that the emotions had been fading out in the second yr of our relationship and strung me along for a further yr. And then he had the nerve to be aggressive, insulting and dismissive while telling me this? ..showing his true colours! There were ups and downs but i was under the impression i was fighting for our relationship whereas he had already resigned himself to ending it eventually. However looking back now, like mentioned earlier in the thread, i can see the red flags now.

 

Even though these dumpers can be so inconsiderate what it teaches us, is that if ever we were to be the dumpers we would have compassion, which is critical. Like radiodarcy said, treat onto others how we wish to be treated.

[reimeivn]

ya and he could be so superior while treating you that way. definitely tells what kind of person he is.

[perpetual_illusion]

I wish this thread was here earlier too. I broke up with my ex a little over a week ago, because I could feel this coming, even though I didn't really know it. I had acted rash, told her so, but she agreed we should break up. Today, I apologized for my behavior. Rather than accepting my apology, she told me that she was loosing interest anyway and to stop talking to her because it hurt her to hear from me. I couldn't imagine how someone could be so cold. Now that I think about it, she said that she was always the dumper in her past relationships. So, she goes for the "honeymoon" state, tells the other person (this time me) that she loves them, they're soul mates, then when she gets tired, leaves without a care for what she did to the other person. It makes so much sense. Thank you.

[Renard99]

Unfortunately I'm another soul that can claim to be in the same situation. I was even thinking about it earlier today which prompted me to log in to Loveshack.

 

Back in January, my ex left me after almost 8 years together with a simple 'I don't love you anymore'. I'd begun to see red flags for about the previous month and it was me asking 'Is everything ok?' because of this that prompted her reply. Turns out that it had been more than just that month of unhappiness for her, it had been almost a year.

 

Like others have said, what really gets me is that I never got a chance to try to work it out. Ok, so even then it may not have worked out and I'd have still been hurt, but at least I'd have been partially mentally prepared and could at least say we tried.

I will totally put my hand up and say that I was probably as much at fault for the breakup as she was. Money was tight so I worked so hard to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table and even a nice vacation to Italy. Unfortunately, I got so focused on doing everything I could to stay with her physically, actually meant I neglected her emotionally. The thing is, I noticed this immediately as soon as the breakup happened, it just needed pointing out to me. Had she simply had a conversation with me when she started to be unhappy I could have done something straight away.... but no.... she kept quiet, detached herself emotionally and acted like nothing was wrong, taking in a very nice and expensive holiday to Italy along the way, only finally opening up moments before the end of the relationship.

I'd actually bought the engagement ring and was in the process of booking the surprise holiday that I was going to propose on when the break up happened. I wouldn't have done this if I'd have know what the situation was.

 

It's only just occured to me, having read what others have said, that yes... actually I'm better off without someone who lacked the maturity and communication skills to address problems in a serious long term relationship! People of Loveshack, I thank you!

[Jdw_Icequeen]

I am 8 months post breakup and I was definetly in the same boat as trying to figure out what the dumper was thinking and feeling.. Maybe at one point in hopes of somehow changing his mind or trying to figure out if he ever would change his mind. I was also strung along 2 months post breakup until I couldn't handle it anymore.. He never tried to talk about our problems and even though I had a feeling things were ending he wouldn't communicate with me or try to fix our relationship. Most cases there is somone else in the picture wither emotionally or more, someone they have there eye on.

 

When I was in this situation and was the (dumper) I had tried for years to fix our relationship before leaving. They knew prior I had definetly had enough of them but they didn't take it seriously so never tried to fix their problems. I didn't string them along saying maybe in the future. I was strait with him and said I am sorry we both need to move on and I knew it was the right thing to do. He still had hoped for a future together and tried every desperate attempt in the book to make me feel sorry for them,guilty etc. But I had takin plenty of time to think about it. As where it seems alot of the dumpers are confused to what they want at the beginning of a break up. Which is why the stringing along part happens. Some of them just like the attention they are getting from it.

Which is pathetic.

 

When I think about everything now. I think of the things I am greatful for. I am no longer hurt because of the breakup the bad days are gone. I don't miss him nor would I ever take him back. I am glad that we wern't together any longer then our little 13 months because I know the longer you are with someone the harder and longer it is to get over things.

 

I no longer try to get into his head or what he is thinking feeling, I just don't care. You will get there to.. What your heart and brain haven't caught up with yet is that it dosen't matter what they are thinking or feeling or how they could be heartless the way they were because even if you were given the best explanation it wouldn't be enough.

 

It won't get rid of the hurt your feeling.. That all happens with time.. What was said earlier I beleive is true. If they are able to leave us so easily, then they don't deserve us. You will someday find someone who loves you to the fullest and deserves you.. We should never have to settle for less.

[Audrina]

I really doubt that from you ex's point of view she was stringing you along, that's how you see it. In many cases when couples break up it's because of a communication breakdown. Have you seen the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall? Where her and the guy are talking about why they broke up and she said that she was TRYING to fix the relationship for a year, and he just never noticed.

 

The issue was, she just never talked to him about the problems. Often times both people are guilty of this.

 

I will say, I'm usually the dumper, one time I strung someone along and I was 16, other than that I've been very clear in my intentions and how I feel in a relationship. I try to communicate clearly and concisely about my feelings and emotions, but not everyone is open to hearing that.

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting and hope that time quickly heals your wounds.

[reimeivn]

i can never ever do this, and yes, the dumper said that they did try to fix. But you know, the reasons I was not happy, he never cared, the reasons he was not happy, he never shared. Even though they said they tried, if they never cared about you and let you know what is going on, so yeah truthfully they didnt try. in other words, they cared about themselves only, and they tried to make themselves feel better about their heartless decision ( in my case, it was not right almost all the things he did to me, but he never said sorry or admit it, until much much later).

[Wesker]

Blunt and to the point. If you're unhappy with the person you're with; you have 2 choices.

 

1) Talk to them, and see if there is anything that can be worked out.

2. Leave, and live with whatever consequences the future may hold.

 

Don't be flopping for months, or even years on end stringing the other person along. That's just about as cruel as cheating. If the Dumper is too damn scared that they could be making a huge mistake, well, that's their problem. They shouldn't have left in the first place then.

 

I'm of course talking about relationships that were great; that didn't involve any abuse, or some serious stuff like that. Then it's a whole different story.

[reimeivn]

if the dumper abused you then left your heartlessly, then I guess you just should not waste anymore time on him then.