QuiltMom Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 I'm lost and confused here. I'm sorry it's so long. I guess I'm trying NC, it's been 3 weeks, 3 hellish weeks. I've known my husband 20 yrs, 3 together, 13 apart because we were dumb teenagers (both of us have said we loved, missed, and looked for the other, 4 together/3married. Our marriage has been good for the most part, we've had a couple rough spots with blending families but good, wonderful even most of the time. I lost my job a little over a year ago and he had to take a contract job out of state so we could get by. I got a temp job 2 weeks later so it would have been ok but it was too late - jobs in his industry are not common where we live. May - Nov were rough, misunderstandings, horribly lonely etc (we live in a state with no family because it was his dream state). In Dec/Jan things were ok, no arguments/misunderstandings of any kind, I got to see him 2x (T-day & X-mas!). Then I yelled at him, I have never yelled at him, ever. It was dumb but I was upset - he used the wrong bank card and left me with $25 for gas and groceries for 3 kids to last a week til my next pay check. He stopped talking to me for 2 weeks, then said he wanted a divorce - all via email. Wouldn't talk to me, I drove with our toddler 12hrs 1 way to see him (no I didn't tell him I was coming), there was a woman there, she left, we talked, he made me leave the next morning. We spent 3 1/2 months gradually emailing, then talking more. I flew to see him for his b-day the end of March(with his permission), he'd sounded excited to see me, showed me around etc. He told me we'd work things out, stopped seeing anyone else, talked and laughed and Skyped for 3 weeks. Things were ok, getting better, he wouldn't tell me he loved me but he'd been really mad I yelled so, space, no biggie really in the long term. THEN our oldest 2 had a fight via IM. Mine said things he shouldn't, his did too, but mine took all the blame because he started it. All of a sudden he's mad, really, really mad. Won't tell me why. Four days go by, suddenly he doesn't love me. I've tried to reason with him (I know the wrong thing to do). He has always been the kindest, most honest, just plain GOOD man I've ever met. I know he started drinking last fall, it's been more and more, I am afraid he's becoming an alcoholic. I tried to ask/express the concern - nicely, he was nasty. He's emailed (won't talk to me) a lot of really horrible nasty things about what a horrible person I am. I've never, ever heard or seen him do that to anyone. I did talk to his sister, asked her to help/ask/something with the drinking since she's a recovered alcoholic and his father was too. He just got nasty and said I was trying to turn people against him (did not give her relationship info, just the drinking worries & what I'd seen). My sons he said he loved and treated like his own are crushed. I know his 1st marriage was on again off again for 10 yrs, she'd up and leave with their girls, then they'd be back together, repeat. He never dumped her like this. Loves those girls more than anything, ours doesn't seem to matter at all now. He told his daughters we're divorced and paraded a new girlfriend to them right away (completely out of character for him - we were engaged before he even wanted them to know he was dating he's so concerned with the moral impact, they live in another state). So now it's been 4 months, I love my husband and absolutely do not want a divorce. I still live in our house, he pays 1/2 the rent. All his things are here, he has never said anything about getting them, there are things from his dead father here, important things to him. He hasn't had any contact with our daughter at all in 4 months, he did before. Now I get a letter from our insurance co that his vehicle has been added to our policy here, in both of our names at our address. This is still what he uses as his legal address. What is going on?! Don't men who want divorces change these things? I miss him more than I can stand, I just want him home, no matter where home ends up being. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Why on earth do you want to stay with someone like that? He must have some seriously strong love spell or something to be able to get away with treating you like complete dirt, yet you still want him. Divorce him right now. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 I'm lost and confused here. I'm sorry it's so long. I guess I'm trying NC, it's been 3 weeks, 3 hellish weeks. I've known my husband 20 yrs, 3 together, 13 apart because we were dumb teenagers (both of us have said we loved, missed, and looked for the other, 4 together/3married. Our marriage has been good for the most part, we've had a couple rough spots with blending families but good, wonderful even most of the time. I lost my job a little over a year ago and he had to take a contract job out of state so we could get by. I got a temp job 2 weeks later so it would have been ok but it was too late - jobs in his industry are not common where we live. May - Nov were rough, misunderstandings, horribly lonely etc (we live in a state with no family because it was his dream state). In Dec/Jan things were ok, no arguments/misunderstandings of any kind, I got to see him 2x (T-day & X-mas!). Then I yelled at him, I have never yelled at him, ever. It was dumb but I was upset - he used the wrong bank card and left me with $25 for gas and groceries for 3 kids to last a week til my next pay check. He stopped talking to me for 2 weeks, then said he wanted a divorce - all via email. Wouldn't talk to me, I drove with our toddler 12hrs 1 way to see him (no I didn't tell him I was coming), there was a woman there, she left, we talked, he made me leave the next morning. We spent 3 1/2 months gradually emailing, then talking more. I flew to see him for his b-day the end of March(with his permission), he'd sounded excited to see me, showed me around etc. He told me we'd work things out, stopped seeing anyone else, talked and laughed and Skyped for 3 weeks. Things were ok, getting better, he wouldn't tell me he loved me but he'd been really mad I yelled so, space, no biggie really in the long term. THEN our oldest 2 had a fight via IM. Mine said things he shouldn't, his did too, but mine took all the blame because he started it. All of a sudden he's mad, really, really mad. Won't tell me why. Four days go by, suddenly he doesn't love me. I've tried to reason with him (I know the wrong thing to do). He has always been the kindest, most honest, just plain GOOD man I've ever met. I know he started drinking last fall, it's been more and more, I am afraid he's becoming an alcoholic. I tried to ask/express the concern - nicely, he was nasty. He's emailed (won't talk to me) a lot of really horrible nasty things about what a horrible person I am. I've never, ever heard or seen him do that to anyone. I did talk to his sister, asked her to help/ask/something with the drinking since she's a recovered alcoholic and his father was too. He just got nasty and said I was trying to turn people against him (did not give her relationship info, just the drinking worries & what I'd seen). My sons he said he loved and treated like his own are crushed. I know his 1st marriage was on again off again for 10 yrs, she'd up and leave with their girls, then they'd be back together, repeat. He never dumped her like this. Loves those girls more than anything, ours doesn't seem to matter at all now. He told his daughters we're divorced and paraded a new girlfriend to them right away (completely out of character for him - we were engaged before he even wanted them to know he was dating he's so concerned with the moral impact, they live in another state). So now it's been 4 months, I love my husband and absolutely do not want a divorce. I still live in our house, he pays 1/2 the rent. All his things are here, he has never said anything about getting them, there are things from his dead father here, important things to him. He hasn't had any contact with our daughter at all in 4 months, he did before. Now I get a letter from our insurance co that his vehicle has been added to our policy here, in both of our names at our address. This is still what he uses as his legal address. What is going on?! Don't men who want divorces change these things? I miss him more than I can stand, I just want him home, no matter where home ends up being. Another kind, good man leaves the wife for another woman. Wife takes full responsibility for his despicable behaviour and pines for him, hoping against hope for him to come to his senses, ditch the other broad and swoop in to hug wife, begging forgiveness and right the wrongs. I'm hoping you see he is in the wrong and you are better off without him. NC him NOW. You are backup for what he wants. His wants are completely selfish. You, his wife, as backup in case things don't go well with whoever he has in mind. Don't tolerate this in any way, shape or form. Men aren't attracted to women made of jelly. Make his head spin, NOW, so he can confront what he is about to lose. Only yelled at him once eh? YOU are too good for his immature azz! Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuiltMom Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 The other women didn't happen until after he decided we were seperated. If he just wanted to sleep around, well he's 700 miles away he could have gotten away with just that. I married for the rest of my life, better or worse, and this would definitely be the worse. I'm looking to know if I'm seeing mixed signals with putting his car on our insurance and paying 1/2 our rent and not getting his stuff and heck, he started providing insurance for us all AFTER he said he wanted a divorce. Yes, he has his head up his a** but marriage isn't easy and we are worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 The other women didn't happen until after he decided we were seperated. If he just wanted to sleep around, well he's 700 miles away he could have gotten away with just that. I married for the rest of my life, better or worse, and this would definitely be the worse. I'm looking to know if I'm seeing mixed signals with putting his car on our insurance and paying 1/2 our rent and not getting his stuff and heck, he started providing insurance for us all AFTER he said he wanted a divorce. Yes, he has his head up his a** but marriage isn't easy and we are worth it. It all has to do with his guilt and also so he doesn't get fleeced when a divorce really does happen. I am able to say this because of my experiences. Yes, marriage is worth every hurdle, every tribulation BUT only if BOTH people work towards overcoming difficulty and their selfish acts. Are you his priority? Or, is he making himself the priority? Is he losing sleep over making you feel miserable and hurt? Does he have your best interests at heart or just his own? Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuiltMom Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 It's definitely not because he thinks he'll get fleeced. He has no reason to ever think that, I can support myself & my children. I want nothing from him and I've always made it very clear I'd never take child support. No matter how dumb anyone thinks that is, my children are my responsibility and no one else's. The only reason I haven't moved is not wanting to take his home away. Couldn't say if he's bothered, he writes like he couldn't care less. But this big things like insurance say he does. I think it's hurt and alcohol talking. Nothing is ever 50/50, 100/100 is ideal, and if has to be 99/1 for a bit then that's what it is. I guess I'm looking for a mind reader, not jaded idealists. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 It's definitely not because he thinks he'll get fleeced. He has no reason to ever think that, I can support myself & my children. I want nothing from him and I've always made it very clear I'd never take child support. No matter how dumb anyone thinks that is, my children are my responsibility and no one else's. The only reason I haven't moved is not wanting to take his home away. Couldn't say if he's bothered, he writes like he couldn't care less. But this big things like insurance say he does. I think it's hurt and alcohol talking. Nothing is ever 50/50, 100/100 is ideal, and if has to be 99/1 for a bit then that's what it is. I guess I'm looking for a mind reader, not jaded idealists. OK, step back and look at this from a different perspective. If what you are going through was happening to someone you cared about or even a complete stranger (as in my case) what would be your best advice to them? Look, he is a stranger to you now. The H you knew and loved no longer exists. His best interests are tantamount here and to h*ll with you. His thinking, not mine! All humans protect their assets. Yes, you have told him you wouldn't fleece him and I believe you, I really do BUT he does not. Why? He has detached from you and all the good qualities that made you ... you....he no longer cares to remember because he now looks at you as a stranger. He is stomping on your feelings. Get angry and leave the forgiving bit to those who deserve it. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 The other women didn't happen until after he decided we were seperated. . according to him, right? Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 I want nothing from him and I've always made it very clear I'd never take child support. No matter how dumb anyone thinks that is,. but these kids are his too? correct? if that is so then yes, it's really dumb not to take support... sorry if that sounds harsh, but he needs to pay his share. If you are well off and don't need it then just put it away in an account and use it for college or give it to the kids when they are older - also look at the times we live in, I know plenty of folks who went from well off to living paycheck to paycheck... it's not his money, it BELONGS to the children. Also if you are saying you don't want support as a way of making him look at you as someone who is unselfish don't waste your time trying to make him see what he is missing... be yourself and put your children first, he isn't that's for sure.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuiltMom Posted August 6, 2011 Author Share Posted August 6, 2011 NC made it 3 1/2 weeks, then I got a not so nice email. He's decided I'm not letting him talk to our daughter - he's never asked or called! He was also mad I hadn't had contact. Threatening to not pay 1/2 our rent (to his mother, she owns the house). Lost and confused. Don't know what is going on. Still has made no mention of his things, don't men who a really gone what their things?! Yes, I am being myself, I have always been probably too selfless, it's not going to change. And what is selfish? One person would say taking a job 700 miles away leaving wife w/ kids and no one else is selfish, another would say he gave up everyday with his family to ensure we got by (the later is the truth). At the end of the day, I still want my husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Lanelle Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 He is acting mad because he does still care otherwise he wouldnt be mad. Also he is acting like that so he can not feel quilty doing what he is doing. He might be doing drugs not acting like himself. Hopefully he will get tired of what he is doing soon and change back to who he was or it might take along time. I am in the same boat been married 29 yrs together 34 he is lost on drugs and i am just waiting on God to change him around. Mean while just keep taking care of yourself and the kids. I recommend you go to the web site Rejoice marriage ministries you will learn alot about what to do because i know you dont want to give up on him just like i dont want to give up on my husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Learning Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 Why on earth do you want to stay with someone like that? He must have some seriously strong love spell or something to be able to get away with treating you like complete dirt, yet you still want him. Divorce him right now. Ditto. I got dizzy reading all the ups and downs of your story with this guy, that alone is a red flag, too much emotional commotion, its a roller coaster and I say you need to get off ASAP. I don't see any improvement in the future with this hurricane of unhappiness. I'm so sorry for your pain. Link to post Share on other sites
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