why do so many couples ban opp sex friends?

[flyaway]

i disagree, Try.

 

it sounds like the common theme for EA is not "allowing" opp sex friends, it's having a SO who doesn't respect boundaries. plain and simple. the person approaches their SO about the EA and their worries and the SO brushes them off.

 

that is what is the common theme. like it or not, EAs will happen to anyone who is open to having one and doesn't respect boundaries.

 

if my SO didn't like one of my male friends for good reason, well, my bf comes first and the friend goes. and he would do the same for me.

 

if you think that the way to a successful relationship is putting your SO on a leash, think again. if you dont satisfy them and/or they don't respect boundaries, they will cheat on you. they will find a way, no matter how much you leash them and treat them like your property.

[flyaway]

Well good luck controlling people. I prefer having a man with his own self control.

 

i agree with you here.

 

some people may use the "just friends" defense but the truth is, if its a EA, it's not "just friends" and you'll know. at least that has been my experience.

 

i have been in a relationship before where the guy had a EA. did i "allow" him to have female friends? of course! i didn't care if he looked at porn either. he had female friends where nothing happened. i always knew something was up with this one girl, who he met and betrayed my boundaries because he began to throw me to the side and tell her things. he even admitted later that he knew it was wrong but didn't care.

 

see the problem was that he had no integrity or character. it wasn't that he had female friends.

 

i am proud to say that i am still strong and let my SO have female friends. i don't feel the need to leash him.

[Memphis Raines]

A few of my friends (males & females) still have sleep overs, which I've participated in, nothing weird ever happens. Basically we act like little kids & watch movies or playing video games. And there's always BBQ.

 

you missed the part where I said "alone".

[BeyondtheClouds]

i agree with you here.

 

 

see the problem was that he had no integrity or character. it wasn't that he had female friends.

 

 

Great, then put your problem on the "integrity or character" board.

[skelterhelter]

I'm in the camp that believes it's okay to have opposite sex friends in a relationship -- but with strict boundaries. No alone time behind closed doors; no excessive texts for hours; no lovey dovey, exclusive behavior. Basically, if the opposite sex friend takes preference over the relationship, that friendship has crossed the line. I have opposite sex friends myself, but I would NEVER put myself in a situation that would compromise my relationship. I've dated guys who have had opposite sex friends, but these girls were co-workers and/or school friends who he had very limited contact with, and if they were to hang out, I was always invited. Opposite sex friends are okay as long as they don't interefere with the relationship and if there is no mutual attraction.

 

This is why being friends with exes is a HUGE no-no for me. I just started dating a guy who told me on the first day we were getting to know each other (not quite dating yet, but kinda in the works) that he had a very needy ex whom he was still in contact with, that he just did favors for her (taking care of her dogs; yard work, etc) whenever she came crying to him for help and NOTHING was going on between them. Now, this guy I am seeing has a very apparent caretaker complex, and I'm sure it makes him feel good to know she still needs him around. But, I was VERY upfront about him not doing this if we were to start dating: his ex was not going to be an intregal part of him if he started dating me. Tell her to get some other strapping guy to do her chores. He even told me the reason he'd dumped her was because she was so needy, so I didn't understand why he was still catering to her. Anyway, I told him how I felt and we ended up dating a few times. During one of our conversations, he mentioned how his ex had demanded to know who I was, which pretty much led me to believe he was still talking to her. And not only was he talking to her, but he was discussing me and she was getting pissy about it. He even mentioned to me that when they had broken up years ago that she'd wanted to be friends with benefits. Riiiiiight, and you really want me to trust this woman? *rolls eyes*

 

I stopped taking his calls shortly after. If an SO refuses to drop an ex for whatever reason, it's completely disrespectful to the person he or she is dating. The SO should not be playing with fire and remaining friendly with a person they were once attracted to and had a history with (and my guy had dated this woman for 10 years! Imagine how insecure I felt knowing I couldn't even measure up to that history!). If there's no children involved in the past relationship, there should be little to no contact. What does the person gain from being super close to an ex? If the relationship ended because there was little else than brotherly/sisterly feelings toward each other and a romantic relationship was just a bad idea from the get-go, I guess I can see why they would end the relationship and just be friends. But other than that? The only reason to keep an ex around is because 1) you're not over the relationship; or 2) You're keeping them around because you have something to gain. Either way you're playing with fire and it's NOT fair to play your current SO as second fiddle. Exes are exes for a reason -- and it should stay that way!

Edited August 24, 2011 by skelterhelter

[KR10N]

you missed the part where I said "alone".

Do the quotations indicate something more than a friendly movie time is going on? If that's the case, then I have absolutely no problem dumping my SO. I'm not going to put up w/ a cheater. There are no take-backs w/ me.

[Fondue]

I don't understand people who ban opposite-sex friendships. It seems incredibly excessive, insecure, and CONTROLLING.

 

I would dump that person right then and there without further consideration if someone was to propose this idea to me. I can't imagine that the person is very sane and confident if this was something they truly believed should be instilled.

 

This brings up another point, do you think gay men/women ban their SO from having interactions with other men/women? I mean seriously, come on. It's illogical as hell to do so!

[carhill]

If a person were bi-sexual with such a ban in place, it could get pretty lonely. I guess animals would be OK

[angie2443]

 

i think this is ideal but i see a lot of posts about how couples "ban" opposite sex friends. isn't that really restrictive and unrealistic? i don't get it at all. i told my friend "you can't ban your bf from having friends with half of all people right off the bat!"

 

.

 

In my opinion, the ideal is to find someone who has the same concepts of healthy bounderies as you. People who feel unconfortable with opposite sex friends should find people of the same mind set, and people who don't care if their partner has opposite friends, should stick to partners of the same mind set. Really, there is no right or wrong here. The tricky part, of course, is that people sometimes change their views during the course of a relationship, and sometimes people aren't honest about who they are in the beginning.

 

Flyaway, I'm curious as to why you are so upset at your friend for telling her guy he can't have female friends. He doesn't have to stay in the relationship and can break up with her if he wants. This would be the mature thing to do, in my opinion. People break up all the time, just look at these boards. She has the right to state what she can and can't live with in a relationship and so does he.

[LoveandSuch]

Regarding opposite sex friends, it all comes down to the parties involved. The maturity level, the friend card, the card being legitimate, meaning a cut n dry pure friendship.

I have have friendships with the opposite sex that are legitimate in that they write hello and mention how their life is going and so on. Then you have friends that their is no cut n dry script.

I was friends with a guy, who I thought had good character, but really was not a friend and ended up playing with my head. Started asking me to hook him up with chicks I did not even know (wierd), but may come across. I thought it was out of line and that he may be playing me or making me a joke in his mind. It pissed me off, and I played him back. I wrote him off at that point. We continued to text. He text me a day later, all dramatic, that things were bad with his Girlfriend! (ummm what girlfriend, first I heard, especially with all the talk of girls he wanted to F'ck) It seemed as if I was the bad guy, because those two had a screwed up dysfunctional relationship.

They were the immature party, so I just wrote a few texts of what I thought. Pissed because I was pulled into their dysfunction, and a girlfriend was never mentioned, quite the opposite.

In the end, I believe it really depends on the dynamic of the relationship and the parties involved.

[BeyondtheClouds]

****In the end, I believe it really depends on the dynamic of the relationship and the parties involved.****

 

This is what we are trying to put our finger on.

[piggyoink]

I don't understand people who ban opposite-sex friendships. It seems incredibly excessive, insecure, and CONTROLLING.

 

I would dump that person right then and there without further consideration if someone was to propose this idea to me. I can't imagine that the person is very sane and confident if this was something they truly believed should be instilled.

 

This brings up another point, do you think gay men/women ban their SO from having interactions with other men/women? I mean seriously, come on. It's illogical as hell to do so!

 

Well said.

 

Also, by banning something, you'll make them want it more!

[Memphis Raines]

Do the quotations indicate something more than a friendly movie time is going on? If that's the case, then I have absolutely no problem dumping my SO. I'm not going to put up w/ a cheater. There are no take-backs w/ me.

 

no, it means alone, as in nobody else around. so I'll ask again, if your bf went to another woman's place to watch a movie, you weren't invited, nobody else around, and he stayed there til 3am. that would be completely ok with you whether you knew something was going on or not?

[Memphis Raines]

I don't understand people who ban opposite-sex friendships. It seems incredibly excessive, insecure, and CONTROLLING.

 

so you'd be ok with your girlfriend going to another guy's place til the wee hours of the morning just to hang out or watch a movie? them 2 alone and you weren't invited?

[LoveandSuch]

no, it means alone, as in nobody else around. so I'll ask again, if your bf went to another woman's place to watch a movie, you weren't invited, nobody else around, and he stayed there til 3am. that would be completely ok with you whether you knew something was going on or not?

 

This is a date, not a friend. I believe dynamics of a relationship is a big indicator if it is a friend or more than a friend.

[Memphis Raines]

This is a date, not a friend. I believe dynamics of a relationship is a big indicator if it is a friend or more than a friend.

 

oh I agree. but the argument is that its just friends.

 

if a couple guy friends can get together to watch a movie, play games, and just sit up til 3am. so people are saying, "its just friends".

 

well if thats the argument is just friends, then it shouldn't matter to them if they do something alone that they would do with a same sex friend. either they are friends or they are not and being alone with the opposite sex shouldn't matter to the people saying its ridiculous to be against opposite sex friends.

[BeyondtheClouds]

This is a date, not a friend. I believe dynamics of a relationship is a big indicator if it is a friend or more than a friend.

 

oh I agree. but the argument is that its just friends.

 

if a couple guy friends can get together to watch a movie, play games, and just sit up til 3am. so people are saying, "its just friends".

 

well if thats the argument is just friends, then it shouldn't matter to them if they do something alone that they would do with a same sex friend. either they are friends or they are not and being alone with the opposite sex shouldn't matter to the people saying its ridiculous to be against opposite sex friends.

 

The problem here is that you can rationalise too much. I've finally accepted that men and women are different period. There may be sexual tension. There may not be. But I have seen on many occasions people getting off on pushing the boundaries and smirking at the concern of interested parties. That's enough for me to move on.

[Memphis Raines]

well bottom line for me, if a gf of mine hangs out with opposite sex friends in a group, or even has lunch or something with a same sex friend(but if he's gay that is better;)), then I don't have a problem with it.

 

if she wants to go out with another guy alone and come home late, thats a dealbreaker for me

[piggyoink]

Its healthy to have a variety of friends instead of being glued to each other all of the time.

[Memphis Raines]

Its healthy to have a variety of friends instead of being glued to each other all of the time.

 

then its settled. Your sig. other can go off for a weekend with someone else of the opposite sex. afterall, they are just friends.

[OnyxSnowfall]

Because it can easily evolve into more than friendship ... and often, it does.

[donnamaybe]

then its settled. Your sig. other can go off for a weekend with someone else of the opposite sex. afterall, they are just friends.

Isn't that just a little extreme? You're simply trying to force others to accept a different viewpoint by arguing a situation that wouldn't come up anyway.

 

I wouldn't spend vacation time and money on something that I wouldn't invite my man to anyway, whether the friend was male or female. That would just be selfish.

[donnamaybe]

Because it can easily evolve into more than friendship ... and often, it does.

Maybe if I were with a man who had cheated on past R's, I might have that viewpoint if he were to have a female friend.

[Memphis Raines]

Isn't that just a little extreme?

 

nope. guy friends go off on weekends all the time, hunting, whatever. they are friends.

 

The argument here is that opposite sex friends are just that, friends.

 

that being the case, it shouldn't be any different than same sex friends, no?

 

You're simply trying to force others to accept a different viewpoint by arguing a situation that wouldn't come up anyway.

 

either they are friends, or they are not. take your pick. if they are "just friends", then there wouldn't be anything wrong with it.

 

and if it isn't acceptable, then there isn't any such thing as opposite sex being "just friends"

 

 

if opposite sex friends, as argued in this thread, are acceptable, then I should be able to do the same things with a female friend that I do with a male friend.

 

If I go off for the weekend to see a concert with a male friend, tell me why I can't with a female friend.

Edited August 26, 2011 by Memphis Raines

[carhill]

If the couple is in agreement, then the weekend concert with the friend is appropriate and healthy for that relationship. Each couple decides that for themselves. IMO, there is no universal 'right' nor 'wrong'. For example, a couple in an open marriage might have a wide variety of friends they do things with, some platonic and some sexual. The couple agrees on that, and which with who. As an example, sex with a mutually agreed upon friend might be fine but sex with a prior sexual/romantic partner is off-limits. The potentials are endless, as long as they are transparent and agreed upon by both parties voluntarily.

 

As I opined prior, perhaps my experience and opinion is related to age. At my age, most people have mature (long-lived) social circles which are valuable to them. It seems counter-productive to the growth of a relationship to arbitrarily seek to restrict another's social circle at the same time one is pledging to love and care for that person. Each person can voice their perspective and agree upon how they as a couple and as individuals will interact with their respective social circles. If, as the title of the thread indicates, they agree to 'ban' all opposite sex friends, then they agree and it's healthy for them. I don't know of such couples but I'm sure they exist. It works for them.