why do so many couples ban opp sex friends?

[donnamaybe]

nope. guy friends go off on weekends all the time, hunting, whatever. they are friends.

 

The argument here is that opposite sex friends are just that, friends.

 

that being the case, it shouldn't be any different than same sex friends, no?

 

 

 

either they are friends, or they are not. take your pick. if they are "just friends", then there wouldn't be anything wrong with it.

 

and if it isn't acceptable, then there isn't any such thing as opposite sex being "just friends"

 

 

if opposite sex friends, as argued in this thread, are acceptable, then I should be able to do the same things with a female friend that I do with a male friend.

 

If I go off for the weekend to see a concert with a male friend, tell me why I can't with a female friend.

But here's what I have consistently stated throughout this thread. If I'm purposely NOT inviting my man, he would have a right to be uneasy about the friendship. Are you purposely NOT inviting your woman?

[sally4sara]

nope. guy friends go off on weekends all the time, hunting, whatever. they are friends.

 

The argument here is that opposite sex friends are just that, friends.

 

that being the case, it shouldn't be any different than same sex friends, no?

 

My husband never goes off on guys only weekends. We take holidays together with our joint earnings. I also do not take ladies only vacations. Who are these people you know? They sound selfish and not geared towards committed relationships if they need entire blocks of time away from their spouse.

 

either they are friends, or they are not. take your pick. if they are "just friends", then there wouldn't be anything wrong with it.

 

and if it isn't acceptable, then there isn't any such thing as opposite sex being "just friends"

 

if opposite sex friends, as argued in this thread, are acceptable, then I should be able to do the same things with a female friend that I do with a male friend.

 

If I go off for the weekend to see a concert with a male friend, tell me why I can't with a female friend.

 

I didn't say you couldn't and don't know why you think anyone is saying that. I can only say that my spouse and I, who have friends of both genders - even ones we dated back in the day , do not take separate holidays even if just for the weekend. If we were all about having opposite gender friends for the opportunity to cat around why aren't we indulging in weekend getaways without each other? A concert on a night to see a band I don't like but he and a friend of any gender do like? I don't care as long as the friend is covering their own costs. I'd go with him to see a band I don't dig if the tickets were free but since their not I don't want the extra expense of me going when I am not a fan of the band.

[sally4sara]

Wait I do remember this one time....

 

We were planning to go to NY and stay at one of his exes place with another couple we are friends with, but I had a family emergency and could not go. My husband couldn't NOT go because if he bailed then the other couple we were going with wouldn't have a place to stay; they didn't know the girl who was letting us all stay at her place. So yes, one time he did go off for a weekend without me to hang at a female friend's place. Whoopity dooo! The world is still turning ain't it?

[donnamaybe]

Wait I do remember this one time....

 

We were planning to go to NY and stay at one of his exes place with another couple we are friends with, but I had a family emergency and could not go. My husband couldn't NOT go because if he bailed then the other couple we were going with wouldn't have a place to stay; they didn't know the girl who was letting us all stay at her place. So yes, one time he did go off for a weekend without me to hang at a female friend's place. Whoopity dooo! The world is still turning ain't it?

But see, you're just like me about this. I'm betting if your guy had a female friend and purposely told you you were NOT invited to a get together, it wouldn't sit right. I know it wouldn't with me, just as it wouldn't be right for me to have time out with a guy friend and purposely NOT invite my man. Now girls' nights or guys' nights out are had from time to time, but VERY rarely. That's just not a regular thing with me because I LOVE being out with my guy. He's the life of the party at our table when we're out because he is SO damn funny! If he had something going on that I was invited to but I couldn't go for some reason, I certainly wouldn't ban him from going. That would be immature and would totally disrespect the trust and honesty we have in our R.

[sally4sara]

But see, you're just like me about this. I'm betting if your guy had a female friend and purposely told you you were NOT invited to a get together, it wouldn't sit right. I know it wouldn't with me, just as it wouldn't be right for me to have time out with a guy friend and purposely NOT invite my man. Now girls' nights or guys' nights out are had from time to time, but VERY rarely. That's just not a regular thing with me because I LOVE being out with my guy. He's the life of the party at our table when we're out because he is SO damn funny! If he had something going on that I was invited to but I couldn't go for some reason, I certainly wouldn't ban him from going. That would be immature and would totally disrespect the trust and honesty we have in our R.

 

Oh yeah, I'd wonder why I was being expressly asked to sit out when I don't care if he makes friends with either gender and always try to be friendly with people he enjoys just as he does for me. I try to think about why I'd expressly ask him to not come along to hang out with me and some guy friend.......I'm coming up with nothing - well, nothing honorable anyway.

[OnyxSnowfall]

I suppose I'm biased. I would like to state that every relationship is unique but...

 

For instance... for better or worse, I can't seem to have a "platonic" friendship with a male. They either want to bed me and make an attempt or they end up claiming to fall in love with me (usually I think they're enamored with some fantasy version of me in their head, just because of how off they can be about who I am but... there's been two whose hearts I likely genuinely trampled to pieces because I wasn't interested in more with them)

 

I've really tried having mere friendships with men... but it's to no freakin' avail and in the past it's caused issues within even my current relationship. I have a record of having such "relations" go sour... granted there were a few that included flirting but I never had an intent to take it beyond that and I thought it was well-established that it wouldn't ever be either (heh). They literally always dissolve because they just can't keep it "platonic". I've considered many ways in which I may be responsible for it --- what "misleading" things I may have communicated etc --- and when I thought I was better equipped to embrace the possibilities... I stepped out to test the waters and, despite being upfront and open and laying down boundaries, things STILL went sour.

 

As for my boyfriend having female friends... the only female friends he had when we met were old flames. I became concerned when he thought it was okay to "date" them while we were together (taking them out to one on one lunches, exchanging "old" love letters with them, going to their places while their husbands were not there and "baking cookies" with them, comparing me to one of them and putting me down to exalt her etc...) and I exited for a few months because that just didn't sit well with me... I couldn't tolerate it, no matter how many "it's just innocent" mantras were chanted.

 

Maybe for others they could trust a man doing such things (it doesn't help most of the "friends" coming onto me were married/taken and it made me suspicious of my own partner too), but I just wasn't interested in spending my time with someone who didn't seem to be over "their past". There's a whole nasty story there anyway so, i don't expect all of it to be grasped.

 

I guess in the end, we just both decided we were incapable of having "platonic" relationships with others of the opposite gender... me because I can't find a male who doesn't end up wanting more and him because it would trigger my issues with trusting him (at this point). A part of me thinks it's unhealthy, but another part thinks the alternative is even unhealthier.

Edited August 26, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[Memphis Raines]

But here's what I have consistently stated throughout this thread. If I'm purposely NOT inviting my man, he would have a right to be uneasy about the friendship. Are you purposely NOT inviting your woman?

 

but its "friends" men don't invite their women when they go hunting, or want to go see the latest action movie.

 

but basically you just made my argument for me. there is no such thing as "just friends" with the opposite sex if you can't do with them that which you would do with a friend of the same sex.

 

There ARE differences, as you have helped to point out.

[Memphis Raines]

I didn't say you couldn't and don't know why you think anyone is saying that.

 

read DM's response, she pointed out that there is a difference in when a guy goes out with a fellow guy, but if it was another woman, he'd need permission. And she is one to believe that there should be opposite sex "friends".

 

again, that being the case, there should be no difference in the way one makes plans with a same sex friend and an opposite sex friend.

 

 

I can only say that my spouse and I, who have friends of both genders - even ones we dated back in the day , do not take separate holidays even if just for the weekend. If we were all about having opposite gender friends for the opportunity to cat around why aren't we indulging in weekend getaways without each other?

 

thats not the point. the point is a friend is a friend and people here are saying its no big deal. yet when it comes to alone time, there IS a difference and what is tolerated with a same sex friend isn't tolerated with an opposite.

 

If you and your husband don't do things with friends without each other, then it doesn't apply.

 

 

A concert on a night to see a band I don't like but he and a friend of any gender do like? I don't care as long as the friend is covering their own costs.

 

so if your husband wanted to go out of town for a weekend to a concert with another buddy, your answer would be what?

 

and if your husband wanted to go out of town for a weekend to a concert with a female buddy, your answer would be what?

 

 

I'd go with him to see a band I don't dig if the tickets were free but since their not I don't want the extra expense of me going when I am not a fan of the band.

 

well its much different when a spouse doesn't allow their other spouse to do things without them

[Memphis Raines]

Wait I do remember this one time....

 

We were planning to go to NY and stay at one of his exes place with another couple we are friends with, but I had a family emergency and could not go. My husband couldn't NOT go because if he bailed then the other couple we were going with wouldn't have a place to stay; they didn't know the girl who was letting us all stay at her place. So yes, one time he did go off for a weekend without me to hang at a female friend's place. Whoopity dooo! The world is still turning ain't it?

 

he wasn't alone with her. Other people were around.

 

My argument, to ascertain if people treat opposite sex friends differently, was to see if its appropriate for someone to do something with an opposite sex friend that they could do with a same sex friend alone.

 

And so far, with the exception of DM, the question is being dodged.

[Memphis Raines]

But see, you're just like me about this. I'm betting if your guy had a female friend and purposely told you you were NOT invited to a get together, it wouldn't sit right..

 

ok, so lets say your bf and a female friend planned to go somewhere for the weekend to a concert.

 

they invite you, but you have other obligations. So you can't go.

you are then perfectly fine with your bf going off alone with this female "friend"?

[Butterflying]

My exBF had a band of orbiting exGFs and let me tell you...that is NOT conducive to having a relationship. He would go to an exGFs (dated for 2 years) house every week, alone, and not invite me watch TV and hang out with her. I think it was normal for him to spend the night there too though he would never admit it to me. He also would have lunch behind my back with another exGF (dated over 3 years) and email her all kinds of inappropriate things. Anyway, I ruled that situation with an iron fist and said it's me or them. He chose me, but he always resented me for that. After we broke up he told me he wasn't going to let the next GF control his choice of friends. I wished him good luck with that!! Of course as soon as I was out of the picture both ex's were back in it. The man wonders why he can't get any quality women to stick around. Is there really a question about that? Ha!

I had an XBF like this too. Its funny how our relationship ended primarily because of his infidelity which included close relationships with XGF's. But the funny thing is, after he and I broke up, he DID NOT maintain any contact with me the way he did with his other ex's. So I wonder what makes me so different. One of his ex's cheated on him with a best friend. They made up and she became one of his best friends. If it's true those women were really "friends," he should be friends with me too. However, he only attempted to to maintain communication with me one time, and that included sex. But I refused the sex. And he never contacted me again. Now I have no doubt those XGF's were really friends with benefits. So I stay away from guys who maintain relationships with ex's.

[sally4sara]

ok, so lets say your bf and a female friend planned to go somewhere for the weekend to a concert.

 

they invite you, but you have other obligations. So you can't go.

you are then perfectly fine with your bf going off alone with this female "friend"?

 

I would be perfectly fine with him going with a friend. Why it just HAS to be a "friend" like its some fake and sleazy thing to you I don't know. What I also don't get is why you think anyone has to go out of town, let alone for an entire weekend just to see a concert. You keep coming up with these extreme circumstances because you're trying SUPER trying to find some scenario where people who don't think like you have to answer you the way you want. WHY?

 

Just find someone who also can't deal with platonic friendships and date them rather than trying to get people who don't think like you to fit into your dating criteria. Its much less of a headache that way and reduces the topics you will need to argue over in your relationships.

[BeyondtheClouds]

I would be perfectly fine with him going with a friend. Why it just HAS to be a "friend" like its some fake and sleazy thing to you I don't know. What I also don't get is why you think anyone has to go out of town, let alone for an entire weekend just to see a concert. You keep coming up with these extreme circumstances because you're trying SUPER trying to find some scenario where people who don't think like you have to answer you the way you want. WHY?

 

Just find someone who also can't deal with platonic friendships and date them rather than trying to get people who don't think like you to fit into your dating criteria. Its much less of a headache that way and reduces the topics you will need to argue over in your relationships.

 

this is a real example for those who are dating or are married to music lovers. There are many jazz, heavy metal and other types of music festivals. People who attend are even prepared to stay in pup tents. My neighbor told me even charities have cottoned on to these and are now allowed to pick up any tents left behind after the festival because leaving them behind is common.

 

But, I also see great scope in a partner going to a music festival and "accidentally" seeing someone that could cause problems.

[bikinibeach]

So I wonder what makes me so different.

 

those girls have no respect for themselves or others. that's why they would not respect his relationship with you and why they would let your bf string them along.

 

it's the same with me. he thought he could add me to his gaggle of admirers when we broke up (over them, lol) but he had another thing coming.

 

i'm not unattractive, insecure with self esteem issues, unfortunately. that's how i, and probably you, are different from those women he keeps around!!!

 

:bunny:

[BeyondtheClouds]

I had an XBF like this too. Its funny how our relationship ended primarily because of his infidelity which included close relationships with XGF's. But the funny thing is, after he and I broke up, he DID NOT maintain any contact with me the way he did with his other ex's. So I wonder what makes me so different. One of his ex's cheated on him with a best friend. They made up and she became one of his best friends. If it's true those women were really "friends," he should be friends with me too. However, he only attempted to to maintain communication with me one time, and that included sex. But I refused the sex. And he never contacted me again. Now I have no doubt those XGF's were really friends with benefits. So I stay away from guys who maintain relationships with ex's.

 

I'm convinced that some men need drama. You didn't provide that for him.

[bikinibeach]

the other day, my boyfriend told me that after he had brought me home after midnight, a friend called him, told him she was going out of town the next day and would miss him, wanted to hang out.

 

he ended up driving over to her place around one in the morning to pick her up and they went for a late dinner. she told him her flight was at 6 later that morning so he offered to drive her to the airport.

 

they went back to his place, listened to music and hung out till they crashed on the couch and he drove her to the airport in the morning.

 

 

...........................

 

 

............................

 

....................................

 

 

no, actually this was his male friend that i also know very well.

 

if it had been a chick, his ass would be on the curb as we speak.

 

one CANNOT do the same thing with friends of the opposite sex as they do with the same sex.

 

hello!!!! guys get naked in changing rooms together!! that's 'platonic' too!!

 

GROW UP people. this is not kumbaya kindergarden and if you don't get it, do everyone else a favor and just. BE. SINGLE!!

 

....and leave your attached 'platonic' opp. sex friends ALONE!!!

[piggyoink]

I would be perfectly fine with him going with a friend. Why it just HAS to be a "friend" like its some fake and sleazy thing to you I don't know. What I also don't get is why you think anyone has to go out of town, let alone for an entire weekend just to see a concert. You keep coming up with these extreme circumstances because you're trying SUPER trying to find some scenario where people who don't think like you have to answer you the way you want. WHY?

 

Just find someone who also can't deal with platonic friendships and date them rather than trying to get people who don't think like you to fit into your dating criteria. Its much less of a headache that way and reduces the topics you will need to argue over in your relationships.

 

I seriously and solemnly declare, +1

 

Furthermore, people need to feel secure and have self esteem, maybe a little attractiveness too. People should have some friends.

[Buck Turgidson]

GROW UP people. this is not kumbaya kindergarden and if you don't get it, do everyone else a favor and just. BE. SINGLE!!

 

"People with friends don't deserve love."

 

Nice.

[Try]

Just find someone who also can't deal with platonic friendships and date them rather than trying to get people who don't think like you to fit into your dating criteria. Its much less of a headache that way and reduces the topics you will need to argue over in your relationships.

This thread is titled "Why do so many couples ban opp sex friends?" When people like MR try to answer this question they get jumped on with statements such as "Just find someone who also can't deal with platonic friendships and date them rather than trying to get people who don't think like you to fit into your dating criteria". Your "can't deal with" phrase is condescending, and typical of someone that is closed minded to people with a different point of view.

 

MR is making such a logical argument for why people do not allow opp sex friends that it seems to threaten many including you.

[sally4sara]

This thread is titled "Why do so many couples ban opp sex friends?" When people like MR try to answer this question they get jumped on with statements such as "Just find someone who also can't deal with platonic friendships and date them rather than trying to get people who don't think like you to fit into your dating criteria". Your "can't deal with" phrase is condescending, and typical of someone that is closed minded to people with a different point of view.

 

MR is making such a logical argument for why people do not allow opp sex friends that it seems to threaten many including you.

 

He was asking donnamaybe and I (not that others couldn't respond too) about specific situations where our answers might change so he could jump on that as evidence of us not really being okay with it. So I answered - not jumped on him out of no where, after he tried to invalidate my previous answer for his hypothetical circumstance.

 

The thread title doesn't distinguish; it asks why some people ban opposite sex friends. Not why do so many couples ban weird and shifty interactions with opposite gender "friends"?

 

He was asking donnamaybe and I (not that others couldn't respond too) about specific situations where our answers might change so he could jump on that as evidence of us not really being okay with it. So I answered - not jumped on him out of no where, after he tried to invalidate my previous answer for his hypothetical circumstance.

 

I think what he is talking about is scenarios where one partner doesn't just have a friend, but that there is some seclusion about their dealings, odd arrangements that seem hinky. Sure, if my partner was acting weird and shifty about some new female friend he had made I probably would have a problem, but that isn't really a friendship. So while I get what he is trying to suggest about platonic friendships being a good disguise for an affair, I don't believe all affairs were started as genuine friendships. And I don't believe it is the behavior of a healthy, secure person to imagine everyone their partner might be friends with is going to become an affair "friend". Believing that would be close minded and fearful.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

why do so many couples ban opp sex friends?

 

i just talked to one of my friends about it who just started dating this guy and he has some female friends and she is making him cut contact with them or she'll leave. according to her, he isn't flirty and he wants them all to meet but she doesn't care! i think it's ridiculous. i told her so and she says i am the one who is whacked in the head!

 

i feel comfortable with my bf enough (we are ltr) for him to have female friends and see some of them without me sometimes (most times he now brings me along, i don't even ask him to, he just wants to). i have met all his friends both male and female. i also have a good handful of guy friends and he has met them too.

 

i think this is ideal but i see a lot of posts about how couples "ban" opposite sex friends. isn't that really restrictive and unrealistic? i don't get it at all. i told my friend "you can't ban your bf from having friends with half of all people right off the bat!"

 

i wonder if this sort of attitude is what further perpetuates the myth that males and females can't be friends and makes people cheat because they never really learn how to have opp sex friends.

 

can someone please shed some light on this for me?

 

 

 

 

Yes, (heterosexual) Guys have little or no true interest in being mere "friends" with like-aged (heterosexual) women (not connected to them via family or work) when they wouldn't really rather be banging them.

 

The opposite situation, where it's the female in a relationship, who has male friends, doesn't compare. Likely because women are used to parading through their lives with guys wanting to bang them around every corner (they're already 'conditioned' not to indulge in every such opportunity).

 

However, the main reason those guys are still hovering as """friends""", is because they see themSELVES as being in-line for her romantic affections.

[OnyxSnowfall]

However, the main reason those guys are still hovering as """friends""", is because they see themSELVES as being in-line for her romantic affections.

 

that's been my experience =/... whether they're married, taken or not.

[Try]

As I have said before, there is a risk reward to allowing opposite sex friends. The risk is that your SO may unexpectedly find themselves emotionally or physically attracted to one of their opp sex friends during a weak phase of your relationship and make a bad decision that they may later truly regret. In an EA situation they may not even realize that they are in one until after it is too late. Although it is true that most opp sex friends do not turn into affairs, it is also true that most affairs started out as just friends. No matter how much you trust your SO, no matter how strong you feel that your relationship is, you can never say that there is zero risk to a relationship with opp sex friends. The question becomes is the benefit of opp sex friends worth the risk however small?

 

Flyaway, the original poster that asked this question has a bf not a spouse. There is a big difference between a BF/GF situation verses a long term spouse that you have children with situation. In a BF/GF situation if it does not work out it is much easier to just move on because there are few long term consequences. In a spouse with children situation, moving on is not as easy as it is always complicated. Thus many people in spouse with children situations become risk averse and decide that the risk reward of opp sex friend, no matter how small a risk, is not worth it. True it does eliminate ½ the world population from the friend pool, but the other ½ is still a very big number to choose your friends from.

[piggyoink]

http://www.paklinks.com/gs/life-and-relationships/496134-being-friends-with-opposite-gender.html

guy friends are cool, depending on their personality, have pretty easy going ones that are there whenever i need them as my pals. but there has to be boundaries that have to drawn by both parties if you both don't want anything more than just friendship. but guys and gals can be friends and its important b/c you get to understand the opposite gender a lot more

[make me believe]

As I have said before, there is a risk reward to allowing opposite sex friends. The risk is that your SO may unexpectedly find themselves emotionally or physically attracted to one of their opp sex friends during a weak phase of your relationship and make a bad decision that they may later truly regret. In an EA situation they may not even realize that they are in one until after it is too late. Although it is true that most opp sex friends do not turn into affairs, it is also true that most affairs started out as just friends. No matter how much you trust your SO, no matter how strong you feel that your relationship is, you can never say that there is zero risk to a relationship with opp sex friends. The question becomes is the benefit of opp sex friends worth the risk however small?

 

Try, this is exactly how I feel about the opposite sex friends debate. Most affairs do start out as just friends, and later on the person who cheated claims it "just happened," but upon investigation you will see that there were many small instances that built up the emotional and/or physical intimacy that should have been reserved for their spouse.

 

I believe in protecting my marriage from as many risks of infidelity as I can. Of course you can't prevent it 100%, but it's NOT all about trust. You can trust your SO all you want, but if he/she is regularly putting himself into close, intimate contact (as friends) with a member of the opposite sex, the risk IS significantly higher that it will evolve into something more. My husband and I choose to protect our marriage by not presenting those opportunities to ourselves. Does that mean that infidelity is impossible for us? No. Does it mean I think he has no self-control and can't talk to a woman without wanting to f*ck her? Nope. It means we believe in reducing the risk where we can. Our marriage is simply more important than forming a friendship with another man/woman.

 

I hate the insinuation that if you don't believe in having opposite sex friends it means you are insecure, or you have your spouse on a short leash, or your relationship is somehow lesser than the cool, open people who are ok with their spouses spending the weekend away alone with another man/woman.

 

Also I totally agree with SincereOnlineGuy about the nature of male/female friendships..