why do so many couples ban opp sex friends?

[piggyoink]

http://quizstop.com/askjust1.htm

"In other words, being "just friends" with the opposite sex (for you) may be an uncomfortable notion. There may be issues of temptation and self-control, for example"

[BeyondtheClouds]

Try, this is exactly how I feel about the opposite sex friends debate. Most affairs do start out as just friends, and later on the person who cheated claims it "just happened," but upon investigation you will see that there were many small instances that built up the emotional and/or physical intimacy that should have been reserved for their spouse.

 

I believe in protecting my marriage from as many risks of infidelity as I can. Of course you can't prevent it 100%, but it's NOT all about trust. You can trust your SO all you want, but if he/she is regularly putting himself into close, intimate contact (as friends) with a member of the opposite sex, the risk IS significantly higher that it will evolve into something more. My husband and I choose to protect our marriage by not presenting those opportunities to ourselves. Does that mean that infidelity is impossible for us? No. Does it mean I think he has no self-control and can't talk to a woman without wanting to f*ck her? Nope. It means we believe in reducing the risk where we can. Our marriage is simply more important than forming a friendship with another man/woman.

 

I hate the insinuation that if you don't believe in having opposite sex friends it means you are insecure, or you have your spouse on a short leash, or your relationship is somehow lesser than the cool, open people who are ok with their spouses spending the weekend away alone with another man/woman.

 

Also I totally agree with SincereOnlineGuy about the nature of male/female friendships..

 

I soooo agree with this. Particularly, the bolded.

Edited August 29, 2011 by BeyondtheClouds

[Memphis Raines]

I would be perfectly fine with him going with a friend. Why it just HAS to be a "friend" like its some fake and sleazy thing to you I don't know. What I also don't get is why you think anyone has to go out of town, let alone for an entire weekend just to see a concert. You keep coming up with these extreme circumstances because you're trying SUPER trying to find some scenario where people who don't think like you have to answer you the way you want. WHY?

 

because friends do things with other friends all the time, like go away for a weekend for whatever, a concert, hunting, etc. nobody questions it when its just 2 guys, or 2 women doing it together.

 

So if the argument is that they are friends, then it should be ok that a man and woman that are friends should be able to do that with 2 same sex friends would do alone as well, yes?

 

 

 

Just find someone who also can't deal with platonic friendships and date them rather than trying to get people who don't think like you to fit into your dating criteria. Its much less of a headache that way and reduces the topics you will need to argue over in your relationships.

 

ok, so we now understand that you would be perfectly fine with your man going away for a weekend with another woman as long as she is just a friend.

 

Thanks for the clarification:rolleyes:

[piggyoink]

some people lack trust, self control, or sometimes keep their other half on a short line

[Memphis Raines]

some people lack trust, self control, or sometimes keep their other half on a short line

 

is this all you offer are short comments?

 

And in the questions I pose, nobody has really answered the question, it is dodged.

 

Like I've said before, I have no problem with opposite sex friends as do many here as well.

 

But when faced with a question like are they ok with their sig other's opposite sex friend doing things alone with them as they would a same sex friend, like going somewhere for a weekend as some same sex friends do, then they pause. its a little different then for some reason. I mean, a friend is a friend, right? So it shouldn't matter if 2 opposite sex friends go do something alone that 2 same sex friends would do.

 

But it does matter, which is why the question is dodged.

[carhill]

I recall, back when I was getting divorced, mentioning that I had no issues with my now exW doing things, including trips/visiting/events with long-time male friends. The feedback I got here on LS was that I was a bit naive. Perhaps that perspective has traction but my natural style is still one of acceptance and trust. If such boundaries impel infidelity and betrayal, they do, for that person. It's their truth. If such impel monogamy and trust, they do, for that person. The person is being their natural self. In the future, I'll merely protect my life's work better and continue with my intrinsic style, along with using the lessons of the past to further refine choices of a future partner, if that happens. At my age, women can have had male (and female) friends for decades and I do know what an asset having friends is, not to mention the health required to maintain a long-term friendship. It's all good information.

[KR10N]

you missed the part where I said "alone".

When you use quotations, I can't help the feeling that I'm being setup. If my SO were to hangout w/ a female friend, I'd genuinely have no problem w/ that. However, if my SO felt the need to stay up til 3am, then I would be left w/ the impression that he wants to stay up til the wee morning hours & sleep all day. Not only that but the responsibility of being on time to work. That's not how I roll. My life revolves around a clock.

[BeyondtheClouds]

is this all you offer are short comments?

 

And in the questions I pose, nobody has really answered the question, it is dodged.

 

Like I've said before, I have no problem with opposite sex friends as do many here as well.

 

But when faced with a question like are they ok with their sig other's opposite sex friend doing things alone with them as they would a same sex friend, like going somewhere for a weekend as some same sex friends do, then they pause. its a little different then for some reason. I mean, a friend is a friend, right? So it shouldn't matter if 2 opposite sex friends go do something alone that 2 same sex friends would do.

 

But it does matter, which is why the question is dodged.

 

I definitely agree with MR and had just recently wrestled with this with my SO. He had been dating someone just a few months before we met and allowed that situation to overlap ours. It's not clear to me what came first, but she ended up with a bf and he chose me.

 

They have stayed in touch somewhat and one of their common interests is Indie music which lends itself to big music festivals out in no mans land.

 

So, yes, I would not have liked knowing that he went to one of these music festivals and guess what, by chance, they saw each other and decided to hang out for the rest of the weekend.

 

What guides my decision is that I turn down the opportunity to go out with other men. And if he wants to hang out with this seemingly aggressive woman then I can go find a few MALE buddies to keep me company as well......and maybe not always at times when he wants to be out with his female friend or otherwise convenient to him........but in fact, convenient to MY male friends.

 

He has told me that he does not want me to do this and now knows that I would not be happy if he initiated contact with her or in any way encouraged contact from her.

Edited August 30, 2011 by BeyondtheClouds

[cupcakekk]

you guys have some really good points that i never thought of before...

my boyfriend is very over protective of me talking to other guys at work. we've gotten into huge fights about it cuz i told him i stoppped talking to them because i found it really unrealistic to cut them off. (must add i had just met them) he was very hurt by me lying to him and i still was trying to prove my point. but i'm starting to slowly see why he doesn't want me too. he works as a carpenter and hardly ever has to work with the oposite sex and he says he actually tries to avoid ever speaking with them. at first i told him he was rediculous and that you should be able to speak to other women and have friends with them. i've been thinking for a while that this could be the start of emotionally abusive man. but thanks for all of the imput out here because i am starting to change my mind. i think it would be a totally different story if he were out there talking to every single female there is but he's not. i'm thinking that this is actually pretty normal for men to want of their spouses right? thanks for all the imput i'm glad to say i no longer think my boyfriend is a crazy controlling freak anymore haha

[make me believe]

Cupcake, as far as co-workers go I think it's important to draw a line. Becoming too chummy with them can be a recipe for disaster. (soooo many affairs nowadays start out in the workplace) Of course you can't cut your male co-workers out completely, but when you start joking around excessively, talking about personal things with them, telling them about your relationship, going to them for personal advice, etc, is when it becomes a problem. If he's uncomfortable with that I think it's ok, but of course if he gets pissed anytime you talk to ANY guy about ANYTHING (even work related), then it's a big red flag.

 

Some people can be way too controlling about this and it can become a form of emotional abuse. That's why I think it's important to be with someone who has the same standards as you. I would not want to be in the position of trying to impose my standards on somebody who didn't agree with them, but that's why I married a guy who feels the same way as I do & draws the same boundaries.

[cupcakekk]

no i told him that. and he totally understands that i need to talk to them about work and so on. he was just hurt because i lied to him about not talking to them. i had told them that all i talked about was buissness when i had talked about other stuff. other stuff i thought was harmless but yes i can see now that it could progress into something more even if i was unaware of it.

[flyaway]

i dont know, it all seems really archaic to me. in the old days, men and women would not be friends because women used to stay at home and men would be at work with other men all day. these days, things are changing.

 

guys will always fantasize about other women, period. many women also have thoughts of other men. doesn't matter if they are friends, on tv, etc. if you think that you can prevent this by banning your SO from having opp sex friends, you're wrong. they are still having fantasies of others when you don't know it.

if you feel that all opp sex friendships exist with one or both parties wanting to have sex with the other, well, im sorry you've only made friends with people aren't true with you. not all guys/women are like that.

 

in my experience, cheating happens because the relationship is going poorly (not just a rough patch) and it's not getting better, and someone just doesn't have integrity. just having opp sex people near only threatens you if you feel there are problems in your relationship. i still maintain that if everything was fine with you and youre feel secure, you wouldn't have an issue. but so many people are insecure and want to keep their SO at any cost.....even freedom...

 

im happy that i get to talk to other guys (not flirty) and have a positive friendship (within boundaries of course). i dont do sleepovers or anything like that. i always tell my bf what's up and he always tells me. if you keep obviously appropriate boundaries and are open, i dont see the harm. i see a lot more harm in forcing your SO to keep away from opp sex unconditionally. that WILL bite you in the butt later, im sure. i prize all of my friends and if i could only have female friends, id be missing out on some great friendships. my one male friend goes to school with me and studies politics. he's a little bit similar to me in my beliefs so once in a great while, we grab lunch and talk about the new stuff going on, esp with elections. i dont have any female friends who do this with me.

 

im sorry, but i think there is something wrong with your bf if you can't even CONVERSE with another man at work, esp if it's just small talk. that's possessive. watch out for other controlling behavior because its on the way. and no, most guys aren't like that and they won't freak out if they see their girlfriend talking casually with another male in a non-flirty way.

[BeyondtheClouds]

i dont know, it all seems really archaic to me. in the old days, men and women would not be friends because women used to stay at home and men would be at work with other men all day. these days, things are changing.

 

guys will always fantasize about other women, period. many women also have thoughts of other men. doesn't matter if they are friends, on tv, etc. if you think that you can prevent this by banning your SO from having opp sex friends, you're wrong. they are still having fantasies of others when you don't know it.

if you feel that all opp sex friendships exist with one or both parties wanting to have sex with the other, well, im sorry you've only made friends with people aren't true with you. not all guys/women are like that.

 

in my experience, cheating happens because the relationship is going poorly (not just a rough patch) and it's not getting better, and someone just doesn't have integrity. just having opp sex people near only threatens you if you feel there are problems in your relationship. i still maintain that if everything was fine with you and youre feel secure, you wouldn't have an issue. but so many people are insecure and want to keep their SO at any cost.....even freedom...

 

im happy that i get to talk to other guys (not flirty) and have a positive friendship (within boundaries of course). i dont do sleepovers or anything like that. i always tell my bf what's up and he always tells me. if you keep obviously appropriate boundaries and are open, i dont see the harm. i see a lot more harm in forcing your SO to keep away from opp sex unconditionally. that WILL bite you in the butt later, im sure. i prize all of my friends and if i could only have female friends, id be missing out on some great friendships. my one male friend goes to school with me and studies politics. he's a little bit similar to me in my beliefs so once in a great while, we grab lunch and talk about the new stuff going on, esp with elections. i dont have any female friends who do this with me.

 

im sorry, but i think there is something wrong with your bf if you can't even CONVERSE with another man at work, esp if it's just small talk. that's possessive. watch out for other controlling behavior because its on the way. and no, most guys aren't like that and they won't freak out if they see their girlfriend talking casually with another male in a non-flirty way.

 

 

It's nice to have friends of any sex.....when it works out. But we know, that it doesn't always do so. Hence, the point of this discussion. You seem to have healthy boundaries, so good for you.

 

Barring obvious red flags, (if someone wants to catalogue them, then let's do it), I don't want to kick anyone while they are down. Maybe they didn't see it coming. And for many of us, like myself, when you're younger, inexperienced and optimistic, you don't have many boundaries at all.

[angie2443]

i dont know, it all seems really archaic to me. in the old days, men and women would not be friends because women used to stay at home and men would be at work with other men all day. these days, things are changing.

 

guys will always fantasize about other women, period. many women also have thoughts of other men. doesn't matter if they are friends, on tv, etc. if you think that you can prevent this by banning your SO from having opp sex friends, you're wrong. they are still having fantasies of others when you don't know it.

if you feel that all opp sex friendships exist with one or both parties wanting to have sex with the other, well, im sorry you've only made friends with people aren't true with you. not all guys/women are like that.

 

in my experience, cheating happens because the relationship is going poorly (not just a rough patch) and it's not getting better, and someone just doesn't have integrity. just having opp sex people near only threatens you if you feel there are problems in your relationship. i still maintain that if everything was fine with you and youre feel secure, you wouldn't have an issue. but so many people are insecure and want to keep their SO at any cost.....even freedom...

 

im happy that i get to talk to other guys (not flirty) and have a positive friendship (within boundaries of course). i dont do sleepovers or anything like that. i always tell my bf what's up and he always tells me. if you keep obviously appropriate boundaries and are open, i dont see the harm. i see a lot more harm in forcing your SO to keep away from opp sex unconditionally. that WILL bite you in the butt later, im sure. i prize all of my friends and if i could only have female friends, id be missing out on some great friendships. my one male friend goes to school with me and studies politics. he's a little bit similar to me in my beliefs so once in a great while, we grab lunch and talk about the new stuff going on, esp with elections. i dont have any female friends who do this with me.

 

im sorry, but i think there is something wrong with your bf if you can't even CONVERSE with another man at work, esp if it's just small talk. that's possessive. watch out for other controlling behavior because its on the way. and no, most guys aren't like that and they won't freak out if they see their girlfriend talking casually with another male in a non-flirty way.

 

You sound almost desperate to convince people of your point of view. Why do you care so much? I'm assuming it might have to do with age. May I ask how old you are?

[flyaway]

my age is not relevant. im not in my teens or so, if thats what you're wondering.

 

ive been with controlling guys in the past and it really scares me. i think banning opp sex friends is the first sign of control and it wont be long before you wont be allowed to talk to certain people or leave the house.

 

it bothers me that so many people think that this control is "normal". ive had bfs who made me text or call them at certain points, like every 2 hours, so they could check up on me. they would read my face and try to analyse my thoughts and try to mind read me. ive never even come close to cheating nor do i like to go out and party or drink. it's freaking 1984.

 

im all for freedom within reasonable boundaries instead of controlling due to insecurities, which many people seem to be into. its a dangerous game.

[Richard Friedman]

Try, this is exactly how I feel about the opposite sex friends debate. Most affairs do start out as just friends, and later on the person who cheated claims it "just happened," but upon investigation you will see that there were many small instances that built up the emotional and/or physical intimacy that should have been reserved for their spouse.

 

I believe in protecting my marriage from as many risks of infidelity as I can. Of course you can't prevent it 100%, but it's NOT all about trust. You can trust your SO all you want, but if he/she is regularly putting himself into close, intimate contact (as friends) with a member of the opposite sex, the risk IS significantly higher that it will evolve into something more. My husband and I choose to protect our marriage by not presenting those opportunities to ourselves. Does that mean that infidelity is impossible for us? No. Does it mean I think he has no self-control and can't talk to a woman without wanting to f*ck her? Nope. It means we believe in reducing the risk where we can. Our marriage is simply more important than forming a friendship with another man/woman.

 

I hate the insinuation that if you don't believe in having opposite sex friends it means you are insecure, or you have your spouse on a short leash, or your relationship is somehow lesser than the cool, open people who are ok with their spouses spending the weekend away alone with another man/woman.

 

Also I totally agree with SincereOnlineGuy about the nature of male/female friendships..

 

A woman mature enough to know somethings are more important than having an mtv-like social life, or feeling liberated according to Gloria Steinem's definition. Very refreshing to see.

[flyaway]

sad to see that people here believe that occasionally conversing with a man/woman means that you have an "mtv like" social life and must be a feminist.

 

i have a feeling that you guys would have approved of my past controlling bfs. the ones who insisted i give them status updates, not talk to any guy, and always 'report' to them exactly what i was doing, when i was doing it.

 

thats true love, right?

 

i really must be missing something here.

Edited September 1, 2011 by flyaway

[cupcakekk]

i like to receive updates from my boyfriend. it's not because im controlling. i think it's nice to keep in check with your spouse. i get worried about my boyfriend when i dont hear from him and it's not just because i wanna know if he's cheating on me but just because i'm scared something may have happened to him.

[flyaway]

well, yeah, but i dont think you understand what i mean. i like to hear from my boyfriend a couple times per day or so, ya know? im sure you do too. with previous boyfriends, i was "on call" for every COUPLE HOURS. every 2 hours, i would be "buzzed" by the "boyfriend police" and be asked where i was, what i was doing...well, knowing me, it was the same thing i was doing 2 hours ago. im a creature of habit here.

 

i wasn't allowed to converse or have friends of the opp sex. if a guy even so talked to me (even a stranger) they would flash him this nasty look.

 

i ended up being stalked for two years after i ended the relationship with one of these freaks. he just couldn't let go.

 

thats why i feel so strongly about this. i think its a major sign of control for guys (or girls) to do what my exes did. it also made me feel like crap, because i didnt do anything wrong and yet i was treated like i was on house arrest. for what crime?

[shjoll]

i think having opposite sex friends causes a person to be insecure when they once were secure. I think people make the worse mistake by not introducing u to their friends. If im important enough to him and he sees me in his future i should meet all his friends and if he wants me to be cool with them i should be able to trust him around her

[BeyondtheClouds]

sad to see that people here believe that occasionally conversing with a man/woman means that you have an "mtv like" social life and must be a feminist.

 

i have a feeling that you guys would have approved of my past controlling bfs. the ones who insisted i give them status updates, not talk to any guy, and always 'report' to them exactly what i was doing, when i was doing it.

 

thats true love, right?

 

i really must be missing something here.

 

That's not what was said or meant. You have created here a false dichotomy.

 

As I said, as soon as I started to suggest that I could find some male friends and go off with with them and without my boyfriend from time to time, as my boyfriend was hoping to do with his friend (the remnant from his last dating situation), he decided that that friendship might not be worth it.

[Try]

sad to see that people here believe that occasionally conversing with a man/woman means that you have an "mtv like" social life and must be a feminist.

Your question was about opp sex friends not occasionally conversing. They are not one and the same. No one posting here is saying that you cannot converse with the opp sex.

i have a feeling that you guys would have approved of my past controlling bfs. the ones who insisted i give them status updates, not talk to any guy, and always 'report' to them exactly what i was doing, when i was doing it.

 

thats true love, right?

 

i really must be missing something here.

No it is not true I do not approve of your past controlling bfs. What they did to you is not what we are saying and is not true love. Your past bfs had control issues that you were right to run away from.

 

You are missing something. My wife talks to the opp sex all the time. At parties. In line getting coffee, etc. Same with me talking to the opp sex. In fact I enjoy talking to many of my wife's friends and she with my friends and this is never an issue. What we do not do is take it to the next step of scheduling time with them as friends one on one without our spouse. If my wife went to dinner alone with one of my friends to talk about their common interest in music that would be an issue. If at a party or at dinner with me they spoke about the same interest in music, that would not be an issue.

[flyaway]

i think having opposite sex friends causes a person to be insecure when they once were secure. I think people make the worse mistake by not introducing u to their friends. If im important enough to him and he sees me in his future i should meet all his friends and if he wants me to be cool with them i should be able to trust him around her

 

i agree. i tell my bf about all my friends, male or female. not because i have to but because i want to.

 

yeah im glad i got out of those relationships. frankly, they scared me. i get very worried when bfs reach out to have control over my behaviour. i often go along with it but deep down, im wondering when ill have to bail again.

 

i personally dont see the going out one on one to be too bad as long as its not like a date ya know? like maybe a lunch. i know my bf tends to stay away from parties, as do i, so the only way we can see other people is one on one, usually, or talking after work/school. that's usually what happens.

 

i think im an odd duck. many women i see have "trust" issues and feel the need to check up on their bfs. i feel like i have "anti-trust" issues from controlling people in the past and im so worried about ending up that way again. i felt so trapped before.

 

last week in fact, my bf told me "you shouldnt fantasize about other men, i dont fantasize about other women". well, i dont fantasize at all much actually. but the fact that he said that to me had me worried for a week. like "oh god he's wanting to control my thoughts. here we go again..."

 

what is wrong with me?

[cupcakekk]

flyaway, i dont think he is trying to control you. he said you shouldn't not you cant. he's just trying to tell you that hes probably not a typical guy that doesn't want to do anything with legs. he probably does want a little praise for this ... lol i know my boyfriend feels like that sometimes lol i think when you are completely sexually attracted to the other person you shouldn't have to fantasize about other people. i know with my ex i did, a lot. but with my current boyfriend i love fantasizing about only him

[LoveandSuch]

Come on, be honest, how many of you would not give a rats ass if your SO man or female was friends with an unattractive friend? It all comes down to logic and insecurity. If it crosses the line it is not considered friendship. If someone has to ball and chain another, it brinks on insanity. I would personally laugh off the drama makers, and find peace.