why do so many couples ban opp sex friends?

[BeyondtheClouds]

Come on, be honest, how many of you would not give a rats ass if your SO man or female was friends with an unattractive friend? It all comes down to logic and insecurity. If it crosses the line it is not considered friendship. If someone has to ball and chain another, it brinks on insanity. I would personally laugh off the drama makers, and find peace.

 

Looks don't always matter. Arnie's mistress isn't much of a looker. His wife is better looking.

[flyaway]

flyaway, i dont think he is trying to control you. he said you shouldn't not you cant. he's just trying to tell you that hes probably not a typical guy that doesn't want to do anything with legs. he probably does want a little praise for this ... lol i know my boyfriend feels like that sometimes lol i think when you are completely sexually attracted to the other person you shouldn't have to fantasize about other people. i know with my ex i did, a lot. but with my current boyfriend i love fantasizing about only him

 

lol, i know, i try to tell myself that. i dont say anything to him but sometimes im afraid that im going to be in another relationship with a control freak. its my own issue so i dont bring it up to him.

 

its so funny because while i do have some guy friends that i talk to once in a while (and dont talk in detail about my relationship, no exes either) i don't do anything "wrong"

-i dont party

-dress conservatively (my choice)

-dont really like to keep secrets

-always tell my SO if im going to be late or where im going out late

-i dont get drunk around other people. i only let myself drink a little more with my bf and no one else.

-i dont fantasize about anyone else

 

i dont know why i worry so much about him controlling me but i know it has to do with my past with controlling bfs. i def have to work on my own issues.

 

i told my bf that hes pretty amazing to only think of me and no one else (he watches some porn but says he thinks of us doing those positions, not the people) but honestly, i dont expect him to do that. its awesome but i dont demand it. his mind is his mind.

[Regular.Joe]

I find this topic quite interesting. I'm in the camp that does NOT believe in significant others having friends of the opposite sex. Its a recipe for disaster in any serious romantic relationship. My wife has no male friends and I have no female friends.

 

Firstly, I don't befriend women, even if I was single. Most heterosexual men only interact with women they would or want to screw. It sounds harsh but its the truth. And most women that keep male friends around do so because they like the attention.

 

Secondly, I'd never choose to be serious with a woman who had even one male friend. Why? Because I know how we men think. Its nothing to do with insecuity and everything to do with not being foolish and naive.

I find it quite funny how you all in here that are for having friends of the opposite sex are trying to make it seem like those that aren't are insecure. That's just funny. Like you're trying go make yourselves seem better and sooo advanced lol.

[flyaway]

well i do think its a sign of insecurity.

 

not all men want to bone everything in sight and if you post that they do, there will be men who are offended because they dont feel that way. way to generalise and insult your gender.

 

i guess all women are meek, insecure, and always able to be taken advantage of by those "dirty" men.

 

see? you cant stereotype. if your spouse is going to cheat, they will find a way, promise.

[Woggle]

It is okay to have friends but there is such a thing as being too friendly. If they are doing things they wouldn't do with their same sex friends there is a problem.

[flyaway]

It is okay to have friends but there is such a thing as being too friendly. If they are doing things they wouldn't do with their same sex friends there is a problem.

 

agreed. i dont do anything with my opp sex friends that i wouldnt do with my same sex friends. and of course, my bf knows about it.

 

we have a rule: no drinking one-on-one or sleepovers with the opp sex or flirting or telling them certain things cause you gotta respect the relationship. but that kind of goes without saying...

[Regular.Joe]

well i do think its a sign of insecurity.

 

not all men want to bone everything in sight and if you post that they do, there will be men who are offended because they dont feel that way. way to generalise and insult your gender.

 

i guess all women are meek, insecure, and always able to be taken advantage of by those "dirty" men.

 

see? you cant stereotype. if your spouse is going to cheat, they will find a way, promise.

 

You can say that all you want. If you're a female that has male friends, test one. Just like you find it insecure, I, and MANY other men find it a dealbreaker if the female we're seriously interested in has male friends.

 

I don't care what you say, we men are visual creatures. Yes personality is important but looks are first thing we see. If you're male friends tell you otherwise then they are lying to you. One always likes the other except if one is homosexual or lesbian.

 

In extremely rare cases it does work but those are the exceptions.

[flyaway]

theres a difference between men being "visual" and men automatically wanting to f every female and doing so when they have the chance.

 

sorry to hear that you think so lowly of your gender but if you feel that you, driven by your gender, would bone any female you could, then yes, i do agree, you shouldnt have opp sex friends.

 

so yes, i agree with you. please, dont have them.

[piggyoink]

well i do think its a sign of insecurity.

 

not all men want to bone everything in sight and if you post that they do, there will be men who are offended because they dont feel that way. way to generalise and insult your gender.

 

i guess all women are meek, insecure, and always able to be taken advantage of by those "dirty" men.

 

see? you cant stereotype. if your spouse is going to cheat, they will find a way, promise.

 

I couldn't agree more.

[cdm369]

People shouldn't set themselves up for failure in such a way. I have no contact with female friends I have dated and limited contact with other female friends....all of which my fiance knows of when it happens. By my choosing out of respect for my fiance. The problem is when you have opposite sex friends and you hit a moment where you can't talk to your SO...there will be an opposite sex friend there waiting and that is dangerous.

[cdm369]

see, here is my problem with that...

 

you take steps to "prevent" an affair because you feel that when times are rough, thats when affairs happen. aren't you mistrusting your SO then? you feel that they cant keep it in their pants when youre going through a rough patch so you have to take steps because you cant trust them to stay faithful to you? are you kidding? i would feel bad in that position, that i can't have male friends because my SO is so scared that id run off with one of them if the going got rough. geez, that is so insecure and untrustworthy of him.

 

im glad my boyfriend and i respect and trust each other a little more than that. both partners need to be on the same page in terms of what they feel is appropriate and if feelings arise, then you need to talk about them with your partner.

 

when i was with a previous boyfriend, i began to develop feelings for another guy who was a new friend during a rough patch where my boyfriend wasn't treating me too well. however, i went right to my boyfriend and we talked things out and i didn't talk to the new guy anymore and the issue was gone.

 

What you have to realize is that 50% of the time people dont stop it like you did and why even put yourself or your so in that position.

[flyaway]

because i can clearly handle it? as i posted before, i have always avoided EAs and go to my partner for everything. the day i dont rely on my partner is the day i leave.

 

i dont know where you got that 50% bit. did you just make that up?

 

i dont see it as setting up for "failure" but oh well. i guess i prefer more freedom in a relationship whereas you dont. thats okay. my bf knows about all of my contact with other guys and vice versa, so i am free but open too.

[Purelogic]

Does your friend have any male friends.if she does then explain to her that he has to cut them off as well.

[robdrm32]

I think it comes down to how people define their friends.

 

Calling people that you know and only talk to once in a while when you run into friends, is different than having friends that you see every few days and make an effort to see on a regular basis.

 

If a girl has alot of guy friends that she keeps tabs with she is really just keeping her options open, and its more of an attention thing. even if she has a b/f.

 

The way i see it is you develop close bonds with people, close bonds with same sex equals good friendships.

 

close bonds with opo sex equals feelings and chemistry.

 

yes there are exceptions but all the people i know, the single ones have alot of opposite sex friends and the ones in relationships don't.

 

i think it depends where you grew up too. people that live in cities will probably be more open about it just because of the amount of people in a small space, while less dense areas not so open minded.

[piggyoink]

Sounds a bit insecure if you think an opposite sex friend is automatically a high risk.

[phineas]

I got no problem with women having guy friends.

I got a problem if she's going out on "dates" with them.

If my GF went to dinner with her guy friend she wouldn't be my GF anymore.

I sure wouldn't go to dinner with another woman if I had a GF.

[in_absentia]

My bf and I both have close friends of the opposite sex, personally I've always tended to get along with guys more easily (I have a handful of very close female friends along with a couple of best male friends) as I'm a bit of a tomboy I guess, not in the way I look but the things I'm into and I find I just click with males more easily most of the time. We're more than happy to let each other go for coffee with these friends too, and we don't ALWAYS invite the other person. We've met most of each other's opposite sex friends, but sometimes you just want a little alone time with a friend if one of you is going through something tough, and don't necessarily want to feel as though you're excluding your partner by sitting and talking about it while they're sat there bored or feeling left out. I even go and stay with my best male friend in a different city for a couple days at a time when I get chance (not very often, maybe once a year if that) just to spend a few days hanging out, exploring the town etc. and sleep in separate rooms. I'm very lucky that my bf is such an unjealous person, he trusts me completely to go and see male friends alone without him there. Tonight I'm going to see a friend I've had for several years whom I used to work with, he's 34 and single, I'm 23 and not single. My bf trusts that nothing is ever going to happen between me and another guy because we're each others partners and crazy in love

 

A lot of people who are saying 'it's fine for them to have opposite sex friends as long as they don't hang out alone, don't 'go out to dinner' together'. That sounds like it's ok for them to have 'mates' or pals who are different genders, but close friends? No way! Some of the most important friendships I have are with guys, whether it's close friends for years or friends I only catch up with once or twice a year but the friendship stays despite infrequent contact. No way would I dump these friendships for a partner. Exes are slightly different, I'm personally really uneasy with the idea of my partner being friends or speaking to an ex, I can make my peace with him chatting occasionally to someone who he has had sex with if they were just friends fooling around but anything that used to be a relationship, I think is best left in the past. He doesn't mind if I speak to exes or see them at all but I think it's a bit inappropriate to call up an ex to arrange to meet for coffee as there are no kids involved and I think it's best to leave the past where it belongs. For everyone who is so unjealous that they don't mind that kinda thing I salute you, someone's gonna cheat whether they're 'allowed' that kinda thing or not and living your life so maturely and free from jealousy sounds wonderful.

[rafallus]

^

 

I feel like you don't quite nail the distinction between legitimate friendship and "playing friendship as card to secretly screw others", focusing on the former, and completely ignoring the latter. I know many girls who think like you, and yet do hide something, exploiting this trust thing.

 

IMO difference is as a partner "you can come join us" theoretically always, but may not always happen, because you may be busy at the time, or not feel like it, or it be a hassle to arrange, etc. If someone adamantly says "No, you can't come, it's a private thing", it gets fishy.

[in_absentia]

"playing friendship as card to secretly screw others" well of course that exists to some people, but those people will cheat whether they're openly friendly with opposite sex mates or not. I feel trying to keep your partner away from potential love interests is a losing battle, you're always going to end up in the vicinity of people you're attracted to, that's just part of living in a busy world. You have to trust your partner to be faithful even in a roomful of naked men/women... if you don't trust them then leave, because you're going to be spending your life trying desperately to control someone else's social circle.

 

My bf once said something about how most guys at some point want to screw their female friends, that it's just how guys work. Yet I trust that he can 'want' to do that, but refuse to because he's in a relationship with me. Some of my male friends I've had a bit of a crush on at times too and imagined what sex would be like, but the vast majority I see them as pure platonic friends. I would be uncomfortable if my bf suddenly made a brand new girl best friend he spent a lot of alone time with, to me that signifies very strong feelings. But as for his existing friends, if he was going to 'go there' with them, he'd have done so when they were single, but for whatever reason they didn't so I don't think there's anything to worry about in the future. I met my boyfriend's closest girl friend the other day for the first time and it was wonderful, she was lovely and really pleased to finally meet me, had nothing but praise for me when she spoke to my bf afterwards and I felt nothing hearing them talk of times they'd hung out or things that'd happened when they went on holiday together as friends. It's nice because my last relationship was super jealous on both sides, it feels so good to act maturely and like an adult now.

 

I'm with you on the theory behind being able to join your partner with their friends, my boyfriend is always welcome to join me but sometimes there are reasons not to. There are no friends I'd actively try keep away from him. I don't get 'attention' from my guy friends, if anyone ever tried to say anything flirtatious or complimentary in a sexual way I'd shut them down straight away and tell them that that talk is inappropriate and I'll leave if they continue.

 

We just trust each other 100% to stay faithful.

[piggyoink]

I dont want to screw my female friends.

[chucksagent]

Men DO NOT want to be friends with you...

 

Yes, I know there are MANY of you who waltz around claiming "I'm ONLY friends with guys, I hate girls, they are so catty!"

 

While ALL of that is true, we feel your pain, but we still DO NOT want to be your friend............................................unless....

 

1) You are friends with us from youth 2) You are friends with our girlfriend/fiance/wife 3) we are trying to get with you OR 4) we are trying to get with one of your friends.

 

OBVIOUSLY there are exceptions (like any rule) but 85% of men don't want to be friends with women...it's just simply a fact - I'm sorry.

 

You claim you LOVE sports...BUT have any of you guys TRIED to get a girl to watch football ALL day Saturday and ALL day Sunday...you might get a game a DAY at best...but they aren't hardcore.

 

They claim they love video games...BUT put a controller in their hand and it's a disaster.

 

They claim they love pizza, wings, and beer...BUT after a few months its "lets do weight watchers, we can't keep eating this bad food."

 

The above are just a handful of things men like. Men also like ball busting and calling eachother out. When you bust a girls balls or call her out she gets upset and is sensitive (again I KNOW EXCEPTIONS EXHIST).

 

******************disclaimer*************

 

If you are still in high school or college this all doesn't ALWAYS apply to you BUT it still might. There are just some more chances for exceptions...sometimes guys will be GENUINE friends out of convenience (doesnt know anyone else yet), or if you are smart (needs help with homework).

 

Sorry to tell you ATTRACTIVE girls out there..EVERY GUY you are "friends" with wants to have sex with you. Fact. Book it. EVERY one of them. I don't want to have sex with a SINGLE one of my male friends.

 

This is why you should NOT have opposite sex friends when you get older.

 

This, coupled with, HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU PEOPLE HAVE!?!?!

 

I work 8 to 10 hour days, working out, running errands, involvement in the community, relaxation, etnertainment, family obligations, some people with girlfriends, wives, kids, etc. Its hard to have time to spend with your MALE friends...how do you have SOOOO much time to hang with your opposite sex friends?!?!?

[flyaway]

well, i am still young compared to most here. i will not be saddled with children because i cant have them. time sure gets freed up when you dont have children. i also dont involve myself in family drama or friend drama so yeah, i can make time.

 

put a game controller in my hand and i will kick your butt! not everyone is a "girly" girl. i wouldnt want to be friends with girls either if they were all boring like that. but thats just me.

[robdrm32]

Men DO NOT want to be friends with you...

 

Yes, I know there are MANY of you who waltz around claiming "I'm ONLY friends with guys, I hate girls, they are so catty!"

 

While ALL of that is true, we feel your pain, but we still DO NOT want to be your friend............................................unless....

 

1) You are friends with us from youth 2) You are friends with our girlfriend/fiance/wife 3) we are trying to get with you OR 4) we are trying to get with one of your friends.

 

OBVIOUSLY there are exceptions (like any rule) but 85% of men don't want to be friends with women...it's just simply a fact - I'm sorry.

 

You claim you LOVE sports...BUT have any of you guys TRIED to get a girl to watch football ALL day Saturday and ALL day Sunday...you might get a game a DAY at best...but they aren't hardcore.

 

They claim they love video games...BUT put a controller in their hand and it's a disaster.

 

They claim they love pizza, wings, and beer...BUT after a few months its "lets do weight watchers, we can't keep eating this bad food."

 

The above are just a handful of things men like. Men also like ball busting and calling eachother out. When you bust a girls balls or call her out she gets upset and is sensitive (again I KNOW EXCEPTIONS EXHIST).

 

******************disclaimer*************

 

If you are still in high school or college this all doesn't ALWAYS apply to you BUT it still might. There are just some more chances for exceptions...sometimes guys will be GENUINE friends out of convenience (doesnt know anyone else yet), or if you are smart (needs help with homework).

 

Sorry to tell you ATTRACTIVE girls out there..EVERY GUY you are "friends" with wants to have sex with you. Fact. Book it. EVERY one of them. I don't want to have sex with a SINGLE one of my male friends.

 

This is why you should NOT have opposite sex friends when you get older.

 

This, coupled with, HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU PEOPLE HAVE!?!?!

 

I work 8 to 10 hour days, working out, running errands, involvement in the community, relaxation, etnertainment, family obligations, some people with girlfriends, wives, kids, etc. Its hard to have time to spend with your MALE friends...how do you have SOOOO much time to hang with your opposite sex friends?!?!?

 

good post.

 

especially the bit about highschool and college aged people are going to have friends of the opposite sex because they are constantly surrounded in class, dorms, hallways with people they are familiar with. Still even those "friends" are mostly situational.

 

But once you get out into the real world, where you aren't constantly surrounded by familiar people, friendships really take on a new role.

 

curious of the people who are comfortable with oppo sex friends, lets say a relative comes to you and says "you know i saw (name) out with another guy/girl last night"

 

Your response is "oh yeah they are friends"

 

Same thing happens the next day only it's a different guy/girl, then the next day... catch my drift? At some point it's going to bother you and that trust will wane when people start asking why they see your s/o out with other guys/girls all the time.

[piggyoink]

Doesn't sound very realistic to say that you'd want to have sex with every woman you meet.

[flyaway]

rob,

 

i too would be suspicious if my guy was going out each night with a different girl. that doesnt sound like friends, imo. that sounds like something else if hes doing that most nights with a bunch of different girls.

 

i think what i am talking about, your partner having a few opp sex friends, is okay but if your partner is going out night after night with different girls, thats totally different.

 

also, i think you should disclose what youre up to or who you are friends with to your partner. i would be a little unhappy if he randomly went out with girls that i know nothing about because he never told me!