Just Found Out I Was Cheated On

[Confused123456]

Hey Everyone,

 

I'm almost sure I have made up my mind about what to do (break up and never speak to her again), but would love any points of view from people who have been through something similar.

 

I have been dating a girl since last year. When we first started dating I was just out of a five year relationship (well, about 3 months out of it). I missed my ex like crazy and tried to contact her a few times (while I was dating this girl). I only met up with her once, and we determined it wasn't going to work out. I told the girl I was dating about this, and apologized that I hadn't told her right away. But I didn't even touch my ex or any other girl. Over the course of 5 months I broke it off with her twice, each time because I liked her but just wasn't over my ex and felt like it wasn't right. Each time we wouldn't see each other for a few weeks, and would run into each other at a bar or something (both drunk) end up hooking up and then it was back on...

 

Just after New Years my ex contacted me and said she wanted to meet up (she had never done this before) to talk. We did, and that same day we agreed to try to work it out. I called the girl I was seeing (the one I had broken up with several times) and said I was sorry but I am still in love with my ex (I think she knew this) and we are going to give it one more shot.

 

6 weeks later I found out it would just never work out with my ex of five years. Two or three weeks later, I got a drunk call from the girl I had split up with (3 times now) when she was drunk, and two days later I called her. I told her everything that happened. Me and my ex of five years never even ended up kissing but that is another story. I said I was sorry for everything, and that I just had to give it one more chance or it would have eaten me up forever. This was mid-March.

 

Since then, we have been seeing each other. Dropped the L word probably late April. Things had been going great (as far as I was concerned). I apologized countless times for breaking up with her so many times. I told her it was wrong, but that I loved her and just wanted to make it up to her in any way I could. She pretty much started staying over every night and practically live with me. She got to know all of my family and friends very well, so much so that she would hang out with my family if I was out of town.

 

Mid-June I took a trip where I was supposed to be gone for two weeks (it was a vacation that I planned at the beginning of the year, before we were back together). I ended up only being gone for a week. We skyped every night and I told her how much I missed her/she said how much she missed me.

 

Anyways, a week ago today my roommates both walked into my room looking like someone had died. My roommate, who was dating my GF's friend said my GF's friend told him that my ex had cheated on me when I was gone for that week. At first I didn't believe it.

 

I called my GF and asked her to come over. I asked her, and she denied it. She said she hung out with this guy when I was gone one night, but that was it. She didn't want to tell me because she thought I would be angry about it. I kept saying to her, please just tell me the truth, please. Begging her. She kept denying it.

 

So anyways I finally call my roommates GF and beg her to tell me (I had called before but she said she didn't want to be involved - TOO ****ING LATE!). She finally says, "well, I don't know if she slept with him, but that is what she told me."

 

I was crushed. I call my GF and say, "this is the last chance you have to keep your integrity, tell me the truth." She denied it again. I told her about the conversation I just had and said (begged) her to tell me the truth. She finally admitted it.

 

I hung up and didn't talk to her until Friday night when I got drunk and called her and cried and asked her how could she do it. Everyone I have talked to in my family said just break it off and never talk to her again. I know they are right but... I don't know.... I just miss her so god damned much.

 

She has been e-mailing/calling/texting me almost everyday. Begging me to please forgive her. She said she will not see anyone for six months if it takes that long (like I can trust that ****).

 

It's just so strange... I never saw it coming. I thought she was deeply/madly in love with me... I just can't believe it. This is my first time ever being cheated on (that I know of).

 

If she would have came to me and told me I think I might have been able to forgive her. But the way she just kept lying... I don't think I can ever trust her again.

 

Her world has been turned upside down. Everyone and my family and all my friends hate her now. She was close to all of them and they all loved her. She sent everyone an e-mail explaining everything, BUT LIED IN THE E-MAIL! She said she only kissed him!

 

I know what I need to do. It's just so hard getting e-mails from her everyday begging me to forgive her.

[Bryanp]

She is still lying to everyone. You need to get tested for STD's and move on. Do you really believe she is the only woman on this planet that you can be with? Good luck.

[Chi townD]

Okay dude, you started to date this girl pretty much knowing that you weren't over your Ex. You've broken up with her a few times and now she cheats on you. Dude, you need to go NC with BOTH your past Ex and your new Ex.

 

You shouldn't be dating anyone right now. Just take time to be single for a while.

[nyc_guy2003]

Probably 50% her fault and 50% yours.

[flutterbykiss]

First up I'm really sorry you are hurting. Hang in there, it does, slowly, get easier to function again. I have been in a very similar position. The abridged version goes like this:

 

The relationship with my bf started under bad circumstances, involving another person I had been seeing in a totally no-future sort of way (lets call him mr X). It took some time to end things with mr X (he really didn't want to go) and give my bf my full undivided attention. Bf and I broke up for a month early in the relationship and during that time bf caught me seeing mr X again. He was devastated which surprised me because I had no idea his feelings for me were that deep. I decided that, if he felt that strongly, it was worth giving the relationship another go and called things off with mr X, permanently. I apologized to bf for having left at all, and gave him my whole heart and attention and love. Everything was bliss for a few months and then Hell was unleashed.....

 

Bf became increasingly demanding, impossible to please, rude and insulting. I found out that he had cheated on me once and continued to stay in contact with two other women he had dated while we were apart. I found out when one of them rang to ask him to cheat on me with her (apparently not the first time she had asked). He said he would tell her not to contact him again but I was so upset that he hadn't already. I went ballistic and his treatment of me only got worse. Things went very, very badly from there as far as the relationship was concerned.

 

Much later, my boyfriend was able to sort himself out enough to tell me that finding me with mr X had really hurt him and damaged his self-esteem. It made him feel replaceable and unlovable. Deep down he hated me for that and sub-consciously he wanted to hurt me to regain his power in the relationship. I had made him feel at my mercy - like I could hurt him anytime - and he lashed out to push me down and make me weak and make himself powerful in an attempt to stop himself ever being hurt by me again. It's kind of twisted but makes a certain amount of sense (the same way that bullies are essentially fearful people).

 

Like your girlfriend, bf was very sorry to have hurt me and promised that things would be better now that he realized why he couldn't seem to stop himself from resenting and hating me. Nothing got better. It got worse. Things would come to crisis point. He would realize that he was still hurting and lashing out and we would try again until it would escalate to boiling point again. It even got as far as physical violence.

 

Maybe your situation is similar. Maybe your girlfriend was hurt by what you did and somewhere deep inside she was cheating to regain the power that you took from her when you screwed her around for your ex. It's possible she lied because she was scared of getting hurt if she told you and you left her again. One thing is certain, she cannot hurt you don't let her back into your life. It's very sad that her actions caused the very hurt she was most afraid of. I feel for you both.

[Confused123456]

First up I'm really sorry you are hurting. Hang in there, it does, slowly, get easier to function again. I have been in a very similar position. The abridged version goes like this:

 

The relationship with my bf started under bad circumstances, involving another person I had been seeing in a totally no-future sort of way (lets call him mr X). It took some time to end things with mr X (he really didn't want to go) and give my bf my full undivided attention. Bf and I broke up for a month early in the relationship and during that time bf caught me seeing mr X again. He was devastated which surprised me because I had no idea his feelings for me were that deep. I decided that, if he felt that strongly, it was worth giving the relationship another go and called things off with mr X, permanently. I apologized to bf for having left at all, and gave him my whole heart and attention and love. Everything was bliss for a few months and then Hell was unleashed.....

 

Bf became increasingly demanding, impossible to please, rude and insulting. I found out that he had cheated on me once and continued to stay in contact with two other women he had dated while we were apart. I found out when one of them rang to ask him to cheat on me with her (apparently not the first time she had asked). He said he would tell her not to contact him again but I was so upset that he hadn't already. I went ballistic and his treatment of me only got worse. Things went very, very badly from there as far as the relationship was concerned.

 

Much later, my boyfriend was able to sort himself out enough to tell me that finding me with mr X had really hurt him and damaged his self-esteem. It made him feel replaceable and unlovable. Deep down he hated me for that and sub-consciously he wanted to hurt me to regain his power in the relationship. I had made him feel at my mercy - like I could hurt him anytime - and he lashed out to push me down and make me weak and make himself powerful in an attempt to stop himself ever being hurt by me again. It's kind of twisted but makes a certain amount of sense (the same way that bullies are essentially fearful people).

 

Like your girlfriend, bf was very sorry to have hurt me and promised that things would be better now that he realized why he couldn't seem to stop himself from resenting and hating me. Nothing got better. It got worse. Things would come to crisis point. He would realize that he was still hurting and lashing out and we would try again until it would escalate to boiling point again. It even got as far as physical violence.

 

Maybe your situation is similar. Maybe your girlfriend was hurt by what you did and somewhere deep inside she was cheating to regain the power that you took from her when you screwed her around for your ex. It's possible she lied because she was scared of getting hurt if she told you and you left her again. One thing is certain, she cannot hurt you don't let her back into your life. It's very sad that her actions caused the very hurt she was most afraid of. I feel for you both.

 

Thank you.

 

Ya, honestly that makes a lot of sense... it's ****ed up, but so is the situation.

 

I gotta say maybe I need to see a counselor or something because this depression I have had for the past week is crippling. She keeps contacting me and I know I should just delete the e-mails/messages but I read them anyways. Her friend just called me and I hung up on her right away.

 

The thing is, I do believe she is sorry and feels horrible but she just kept lying... in a way that is what hurts the most.

 

I wish she could just understand how much this hurts. It is like something I have never experienced before. I know I need to go out and hang around people but I have pretty much just been in my room for the past week. I tried to go to a family get-together two days ago but as I was pulling up the driveway I just got this fear, I don't know how to explain it... and I left. Everyone tries to cheer you up and it's like you feel so selfish so I try to put on a smile around my roommates but I would really just like to move somewhere far away and forget about everything.

[PegNosePete]

Dude it's a train wreck. Break up and don't get back with her. NC dude.

[Bryanp]

How can you be with someone who constantly lies to you? It will destroy you because you will never believe anything she says. You would have to be masochistic to remain in a relationship where your partner continuously lies to you. Think about it.

[flutterbykiss]

I gotta say maybe I need to see a counselor or something because this depression I have had for the past week is crippling. She keeps contacting me and I know I should just delete the e-mails/messages but I read them anyways. Her friend just called me and I hung up on her right away.

 

The thing is, I do believe she is sorry and feels horrible but she just kept lying... in a way that is what hurts the most.

 

I wish she could just understand how much this hurts. It is like something I have never experienced before. I know I need to go out and hang around people but I have pretty much just been in my room for the past week. I tried to go to a family get-together two days ago but as I was pulling up the driveway I just got this fear, I don't know how to explain it... and I left. Everyone tries to cheer you up and it's like you feel so selfish so I try to put on a smile around my roommates but I would really just like to move somewhere far away and forget about everything.

 

I hear you.

 

If you feel that you need help from a counselor then definitely go get it. Sometimes it's impossible to reach out to the people who know you but the carrying it all alone is unbearable. I shut off my friends, my family and even my work (which is the light of my life). I just couldn't look people in the eye because I thought that they could see my misery through my eyes. But it's hell not to be able to talk about it when all you can do is think about it. Do what you need to do to get some peace in your own head.

 

As for her being sorry... I believe she is, too. She wouldn't have come back to you after all that you put her through unless she had some really deep feelings for you. I think she kept lying because she was afraid of the consequences - so afraid that she went into 'survival mode'. As much as she hated lying to you, she was so afraid that she felt she had no choice and had to protect herself by any means. I think she hated doing it, though.

 

I honestly think that you do love each other but only you know if the relationship is too broken to be saved. I think you have to base you decisions on whether or not the two of you can feel safe that the other person won't hurt you again. Fearful people do crazy things and you can't live life in a disfunctional pattern of hurting and lashing out.

 

Good luck and take care. You are not alone and, although it's tough, it is possible to climb out of the depression. Don't be down on yourself as well. You have enough to deal with.