My friends treats his wife poorly because she cheated, is he in his rights?

[Severely Unamused]

This is why I don't believe in working things out. Punish too little and other person feels like they got away with it. Punish too much, and you're in "abusive" land.

 

It's like a tranqulizer: not enough by a bit, and you won't feel a thing, a little too much, and you're dead.

 

It's a very fine balance. Like being perched on the tip of a dagger.

 

This is the worst part of the story for me. Your friend obviously shouldn't have gotten married, and his wife obviously shouldn't put up with the abuse, but both have chosen their path. But not this kid. He gets no choice at all.

Agreed. They've both committed their own actions, faced the consequences of doing so, and chosen to walk their downward paths. What can their child do? Fly away?

[fooled once]

She needs counseling to help her figure out isn't she takes this crap from him and why she thinks it's okay to have her children witness this.

[UmsteadE]

this perchance wouldn't be a story of you possibly moving in on the wife would it?

No I respect his marriage. As a friend, I'll just stay out of it but seeing that child cried got me concerned. Usually a kid that age is suppose to be happy and not ask those questions nor doubt a father's love towards him.

[UmsteadE]

He should just get a divorce, for his sake. This is no way to live a life. I sure as hell wasn't going to do it.

 

sounds like the case of a guy who was hurt, broke it off, couldn't stand the thought of not being with her, but what she did haunts him to this day.

 

this is why i say never stay with a cheater. you only hurt yourself.

I agree and don't understand why he won't divorce her if he doesn't even like her at least. He is simply making things harder than they're already are. Maybe some people are complicated individuals. I don't think he loves her as he still claims to.

[John Michael Kane]

he is within his right to feel how he feels.

 

but if this is how he feels he should have never taken her back.

 

He should just get a divorce, for his sake. This is no way to live a life. I sure as hell wasn't going to do it. I didn't want to stay for the kids, in my situation, and live with someone I despised and felt the need to throw what she did in her face. i would have rather she be someone elses problem.

 

sounds like the case of a guy who was hurt, broke it off, couldn't stand the thought of not being with her, but what she did haunts him to this day.

 

this is why i say never stay with a cheater. you only hurt yourself.

 

Agreed. No point in staying with a cheater. Nothing they do and everything they do is just bad forever.

[John Michael Kane]

Maybe you should see a doctor about that?

 

--Pat F

 

Yessir.....

[UmsteadE]

Agreed. No point in staying with a cheater. Nothing they do and everything they do is just bad forever.

Everyone should have that type of mentality. It sure would teach cheaters a lesson as cheating would decrease.

 

By staying and then marrying them, I think by then you gave up your rights to throw it in their face.

I'm wondering if the kids must be suspecting something happened? I was always inquisitory as a child and would figure out things fast.

Edited August 4, 2011 by UmsteadE

[Holding-On]

Everyone should have that type of mentality. It sure would teach cheaters a lesson as cheating would decrease.

 

By staying and then marrying them, I think by then you gave up your rights to throw it in their face.

I'm wondering if the kids must be suspecting something happened? I was always inquisitory as a child and would figure out things fast.

 

People stone cheaters (or hang them, for the men) in many parts of the world. Did it in the past too. Don't know how much more nasty you can be to people. ...and still...

 

the cheating still goes on.

Clearly your "burn them all" method will not work. People still seek love, preening and attention. People still lust.

 

 

In my view it is a primal drive. In weak moments most people can choose this path. In my view pure monogamy is not natural so you must ever choose an unnatural vigilance to stay in that state. Failing at it is similar to failing at dieting. Your body is wired to consume food and approximately 10% more daily than you actually need. Many people need to be unnatural in limiting themselves calorie wise in the midst of plenty.

[nyrias]

I agree and don't understand why he won't divorce her if he doesn't even like her at least. He is simply making things harder than they're already are. Maybe some people are complicated individuals. I don't think he loves her as he still claims to.

 

Hmm .. you don't need love to stay in a marriage. May be she is good domestic help. May be she is good in as a tax deduction.

 

May be it is too much work to get divorced. Heck, if she is taking the abuse, why not?

[John Michael Kane]

People stone cheaters (or hang them, for the men) in many parts of the world. Did it in the past too. Don't know how much more nasty you can be to people. ...and still...

 

the cheating still goes on.

Clearly your "burn them all" method will not work. People still seek love, preening and attention. People still lust. Of course people will still lust....until the day they die. But that doesn't mean they cannot control themselves.

 

Nobody mentioned anything about stoning and burning except you. Despising cheating does not mean one is a stone-cold killer.

 

In my view it is a primal drive. In weak moments most people can choose this path.

 

Nope, sorry there is no such thing as a weak moment. Cheaters decide to cheat knowing full well their decision will have inevitable consequences.

 

In my view pure monogamy is not natural so you must ever choose an unnatural vigilance to stay in that state.

 

People choose monogamy just like others choose polyamory. None of them are "natural" because people decide for themselves. Just like a cheater deciding to cheat, which brings us back to the point of cheating being inexcusable.

 

Failing at it is similar to failing at dieting. Your body is wired to consume food and approximately 10% more daily than you actually need. Many people need to be unnatural in limiting themselves calorie wise in the midst of plenty.

 

No-no, stay on topic please.

[John Michael Kane]

Hmm .. you don't need love to stay in a marriage. May be she is good domestic help. May be she is good in as a tax deduction.

 

May be it is too much work to get divorced. Heck, if she is taking the abuse, why not?

 

Divorce is hard, but not impossible.

[samsungxoxo]

Divorce is hard, but not impossible.

He can do that but for sure she'll forver be part of his life. As long as she's the mother of his two kids, he'll still have to have contact with her regarding that so he's in a real tough situation.

 

Besides if this goes through divorce process and they see the man as unfit to be a father, the mother gets custody. Either way he's in for a real struggle.

Edited August 4, 2011 by samsungxoxo

[UmsteadE]

As long as she's the mother of his two kids, he'll still have to have contact with her regarding that so he's in a real tough situation.

That's true. He pretty much got himself into this.

 

I heard things are getting better between them and they've been in MC several times. Though, his wife was close to filing for divorce and reporting him for child negligence (well the last time he went clubbing, he didn't come home for 3 days and when he did he was drunk again) and I think that got him to start changing. The wife was pretty much pissed off this time and the children during those days were asking for him.

 

He told me his wife was serious about it and how he didn't want to go through divorce, still loves her and forgives. I haven't seen him drunk since.

[UmsteadE]

What she needs to do is put a stop to it---I'm sure if she told him, when I cheated twas well before we had any kind of commitment---And I don't wanna hear any of this anymore, It needs to stop---but she has to put some consequences in behind the words---there has to be something on her part to make him act civil, and with respect

I guess a possible divorce and charges of child negligence was enough for him to get startled. All I know is he changed quickly after getting threatened with that.

[Jonah]

I can understand how it would continue to eat at him and through time bring him to this destructive place.

 

Is he drinking or using drugs? If he is then nothing can be resolved until it stops.

 

He needs mental help. She may have to go to counseling and work through it with him. She has things to forgive now too.

 

Never good to treat your wife like crap. Mine gets treated like a queen!

[UmsteadE]

I'd rather leave than risk turning myself into someone like that husband.

I know but for whatever he doesn't want to leave her. When she mentioned divorced it pretty much scared him so he chose to work it out instead and changed.

[UmsteadE]

Is he drinking or using drugs? If he is then nothing can be resolved until it stops.

I think he stopped. From what I know, he is now focused on his marriage and kids.

[RedRobin]

There are some very experienced marriage counselors that claim there is no such thing as 'cheating' before marriage.

 

There was no commitment = no cheating. Basically.. All is fair in love and war.... BEFORE marriage.

 

After marriage... different game. She has been faithful during their marriage.

 

She clearly has self-esteem issues. He clearly is an abuser... he may have even married her knowing he could whip this out whenever it was convenient so he could have an excuse to do whatever he wants.

 

He is betraying the marriage as certainly as any deception/cheating could. Is my opinion. Lots of ways to be an a-hole... that's for sure.

[runningfar]

There is no excuse for treating somebody like that. Especially in front of children. Ever. None.

[samsungxoxo]

There is no excuse for treating somebody like that. Especially in front of children. Ever. None.

Maybe not in front of the kids but I get why he would call her names and act like that. She did something terrible to him before they got married. She cheated in the worst possible way and I'm sure that poor husband must still be having trouble falling asleep during all these years he's been laying in bed with her trying to forgive and forget. Men are very visual beings for the most part and they rarely ever forgive a woman cheating on them. If they do take her back, he might be ok for a little while but will eventually get triggered again esp if she's the direct trigger.

 

Now that poor husband had to be threatened with divorce and charges. Poor guy. He basically has to now suck it up and again be the good guy after what she put him through initially.

[Archanaart]

Maybe not in front of the kids but I get why he would call her names and act like that. She did something terrible to him before they got married. She cheated in the worst possible way and I'm sure that poor husband must still be having trouble falling asleep during all these years he's been laying in bed with her trying to forgive and forget. Men are very visual beings for the most part and they rarely ever forgive a woman cheating on them. If they do take her back, he might be ok for a little while but will eventually get triggered again esp if she's the direct trigger.

 

Now that poor husband had to be threatened with divorce and charges. Poor guy. He basically has to now suck it up and again be the good guy after what she put him through initially.

 

Well, he didn't have to stay with her after he found out she cheated. He choose to so I don't feel feel bad for him or think "poor husband" has to put up with a cheater.

 

He f**ken knew she cheated and stayed with her. Now it's his problem to deal with it and move past. If he can't then he should move the f**k on already!

[man_in_the_box]

Agreed with above - if you cannot deal with a cheater then why on earth did he start over with her? 'omg that poor husband and his divorce threats' - cry me a river. Getting cheated on is terrible but if you decide that youre giving the relationship a second chance then there should be a point where you need to leave what has happened in the past. Otherwise theres just no point.