Dealing with a controlling mother in law to be

[Gunner21]

Hello All

 

I am getting married to the love of my life and best friend on 8 October of this year, and for the most part, our relationship and us as a couple is about as good as it can get.

 

I am 29 and have been on my own since I was 17, she is going to be 25 in in September and has never left home. I love her parents todeath, and asked for permission to marry her before I proposed, which they both gave me unequivically.

 

Here is the problem. While we make all desicions together, for her to have her "dream wedding", that means her mother is in charge of everything, according to her. And what is causing conflict between us is her mom has said "she has to make herself available to her every day she is off". What this means basically if her mom isnt at work she has to be at the house, cant leave, cant overnight at my place, nothing. This too me is not only a control issue, but a significant one. I suggested lets just pay for the wedding ourselves and she doesn't want to because it wont be quite as nice, even though on our end we are taking care of the photagrapher, rings, honeymoon and tuxes.

 

Any suggestions on this would be greatly appreciated as this is causing quite a lot of arguing and stress.

[Calif_hope]

Whats the time frame, when is the wedding!

[JHS]

Whats the time frame, when is the wedding!

"8 October of this year"

[Calif_hope]

I think you are going to have to bite the bullet on this one. I kinda seems like your future mother-in-law might be having seperation anxiety or something similar, fear of empty nest!

 

Take over a pizza, take your lady around the block, sit in on planning meetings and when the day's agenda is done.....take the opportunity to wisk your lady for a soda or just a drive.

 

Two months and a week will flyby...............

 

Good luck, just keep in mind you are earning massive karma ponints!

[LexNickels]

Listen, a woman with daddy issues are pretty much normal these days, but a woman with 'Mommy' issues is very difficult to deal with and manage on both ends. I've been there, didn't listen, got married and have been paying for it ever since. Reasons being is because these women get lost, they fear of becoming like their mothers but have never been able to come into their own identities, but they are afraid to leave the comfort of their parents money, and if she one of those 'princess' types, then it's end of story.

 

Lady Day hit the nail on the head. When you guys fight, who do you think will trump you? When there is an issue between you two, who do you think will cash in the moment to gain more ground than you? It will be a constant battle between you wanting her, her mother wanting her, and her feeling like she has to be the peace maker and inbetween. Once you get married, it will not change, her mother's manipulation is deep rooted, which means, i almost guarantee it, that there are some other issues going on there, that will surface once your married.

 

Make a smart (emotionless) decision. She needs growth without her mother. If she can't or will not stand up to her mother now, or is afraid to walk on her own path, when you get married nothing will change but get worse. Her mother sounds controlling, and manipulating which seem to be major characteristics of low self-esteem, but being that she is her mother who feels that she needs to use such tactics to keep her daughter around, your fiance is probably battling with something, maybe low self-esteem herself or possibly something else on a wider scale, the psychology behind this relationship runs deep. Save yourself, do you really want a wife that you have to babysit?

 

Things to consider: are her parents divorced? Does she have her own job, apartment, car, things that she pays for out of her bank account? Has she ever travelled for a significant amount of time without her parents or their money? Has she ever made a major decision that her mother didn't influence?

 

I'm sure as you typed this out, you may have recognized that a lot of your issues between the two of you will stem from the mother-in-law, and both of their insecurities, and low self-esteem. Be smart. This is not a problem that can be fixed in two months, OR THAT YOU CAN FIX, and absolutely... DO NOT, turn the cheek and try to save face, you will pay for it. I walked this path, i know from experience. We were happy and excited to get married, got married and as soon as we got back her mother sunk her teeth in deep and put the idea of divorce and distrust in her head early on, we were doomed from the start.

 

A woman that can hold her own, has her own, and WILLING TO PUT YOU FIRST, without mommy and daddy, is a woman worth keeping.

 

I recommend that you postpone the wedding until you both put in some major time together, limit the intimacy to cuddling or something (if any), go to marital counseling, talk about your wants, your current issues, build communication. She has to take a stand against her parents, otherwise it will ruin your relationship. i had a lot to say, if i can save a fellow person i will. So, be smart. People nowadays think marriage is hard, but it doesn't have to be when with the right person.

[shayla]

who said that this is a barometer for your marriage. This is setting the stage. If mom is in control of this, she will be in control of the rest. And once children come into the picture, whew boy, it will be absolute hell.

 

In my opinion, you need to stop this now. Your bride to be has to learn how to be a grown woman. She is about to become a family with you and her immediate family belongs in second place, after all, this is what you are raised to do at a certain age, and it sounds like she never got that lesson. It's time she gets it now.

[GorillaTheater]

Hey Gunner, if you want to score points with her dad, elope.

[KathyM]

Hello All

 

I am getting married to the love of my life and best friend on 8 October of this year, and for the most part, our relationship and us as a couple is about as good as it can get.

 

I am 29 and have been on my own since I was 17, she is going to be 25 in in September and has never left home. I love her parents todeath, and asked for permission to marry her before I proposed, which they both gave me unequivically.

 

Here is the problem. While we make all desicions together, for her to have her "dream wedding", that means her mother is in charge of everything, according to her. And what is causing conflict between us is her mom has said "she has to make herself available to her every day she is off". What this means basically if her mom isnt at work she has to be at the house, cant leave, cant overnight at my place, nothing. This too me is not only a control issue, but a significant one. I suggested lets just pay for the wedding ourselves and she doesn't want to because it wont be quite as nice, even though on our end we are taking care of the photagrapher, rings, honeymoon and tuxes.

 

Any suggestions on this would be greatly appreciated as this is causing quite a lot of arguing and stress.

Your fiance needs to have a talk with her mother. She needs to tell her that you both appreciate their willingness to pay for a nice wedding and are very grateful, but that you both would like to have some say so in the planning, since it is your special day. She should also tell her mother that the marriage and the relationship is the most important thing, and that it's important that you and she spend time together and maintain a good relationship throughout the hectic wedding planning process, and that she needs to make time for you. Some brides and some mothers of the bride and groom can go nuts with this wedding planning, and become very overbearing. It's important to keep in mind the importance of putting your relationship first, and always giving that top priority. It's your fiance's responsibility to have this talk with her mother. Don't let the mother hold you guys hostage just because she is holding the purse strings. This is your day, and your relationship has to come first ahead of wedding planning.

[TheFinalWord]

Listen, a woman with daddy issues are pretty much normal these days, but a woman with 'Mommy' issues is very difficult to deal with and manage on both ends. I've been there, didn't listen, got married and have been paying for it ever since. Reasons being is because these women get lost, they fear of becoming like their mothers but have never been able to come into their own identities, but they are afraid to leave the comfort of their parents money, and if she one of those 'princess' types, then it's end of story.

 

Lady Day hit the nail on the head. When you guys fight, who do you think will trump you? When there is an issue between you two, who do you think will cash in the moment to gain more ground than you? It will be a constant battle between you wanting her, her mother wanting her, and her feeling like she has to be the peace maker and inbetween. Once you get married, it will not change, her mother's manipulation is deep rooted, which means, i almost guarantee it, that there are some other issues going on there, that will surface once your married.

 

Make a smart (emotionless) decision. She needs growth without her mother. If she can't or will not stand up to her mother now, or is afraid to walk on her own path, when you get married nothing will change but get worse. Her mother sounds controlling, and manipulating which seem to be major characteristics of low self-esteem, but being that she is her mother who feels that she needs to use such tactics to keep her daughter around, your fiance is probably battling with something, maybe low self-esteem herself or possibly something else on a wider scale, the psychology behind this relationship runs deep. Save yourself, do you really want a wife that you have to babysit?

 

Things to consider: are her parents divorced? Does she have her own job, apartment, car, things that she pays for out of her bank account? Has she ever travelled for a significant amount of time without her parents or their money? Has she ever made a major decision that her mother didn't influence?

 

I'm sure as you typed this out, you may have recognized that a lot of your issues between the two of you will stem from the mother-in-law, and both of their insecurities, and low self-esteem. Be smart. This is not a problem that can be fixed in two months, OR THAT YOU CAN FIX, and absolutely... DO NOT, turn the cheek and try to save face, you will pay for it. I walked this path, i know from experience. We were happy and excited to get married, got married and as soon as we got back her mother sunk her teeth in deep and put the idea of divorce and distrust in her head early on, we were doomed from the start.

 

A woman that can hold her own, has her own, and WILLING TO PUT YOU FIRST, without mommy and daddy, is a woman worth keeping.

 

I recommend that you postpone the wedding until you both put in some major time together, limit the intimacy to cuddling or something (if any), go to marital counseling, talk about your wants, your current issues, build communication. She has to take a stand against her parents, otherwise it will ruin your relationship. i had a lot to say, if i can save a fellow person i will. So, be smart. People nowadays think marriage is hard, but it doesn't have to be when with the right person.

 

LexNickels,

 

Thank you for your post. It was reassuring. I recently ended a relationship with a girl I loved over this very issue. The mother has complete control over her daughter's mind. She had never lived on her own (outside of college, which doesn't count IMO), paid her own bills, or made her own decisions. I constantly felt I was in a competition against her mom for her daughter's love. It got so draining.

 

I also noticed the mother did not approve of any of her children's other spouses and knew it was just a matter of time for me. She was already playing manipulating games with me to let me know who was in charge. Her controlling ways are so bad her son does not speak to her anymore. The other daughter is constantly trying to win her mom's approval but the mother gives her the cold shoulder for "marrying the wrong man". It hurt at the time I ended it, but I am so glad I got out! I did not want to be dealing with a controlling mother-in-law the rest of my life. And knowing my luck she would have lived to be 120 lol

 

Gunner21,

About the dream wedding; I was in the exact situation. It drove me nuts. My ex-girlfriend and her mom were obsessed with the ceremony. I know girls are into that type of thing, but at the end of the day it's just one day out of your life. Having that strong foundation is what counts; not a fancy ceremony. The entire wedding preparation ordeal caused me to postpone my proposal and eventually led to the break-up.

 

Add that on top of the fact she has never lived on her own and I would really consider postponing. My ex never did either and the inexperience came out in many ways. I'm sure you've already recognized it. You know from experience how much you have grown as a person from having to pay your own bills and living on your own salary with no help from mom and dad. She has never had that critical life experience.

 

One thing to point out, is that at the end of the day, in my case it was the daughter who chose not to stand up to her mom. When I saw several instances of the daughter neglecting her own desires for the sake of appeasing her mom I knew I would be fighting an uphill battle all of my life. I refused to allow her mom to control my life (and since the girl was going to be my wife I could not allow her mom to control her either). Trust me, it hurt when I broke it off, but just knowing I would not have to deal with her mom felt like a million pounds off of my shoulders.

Edited August 8, 2011 by TheFinalWord