What to do after gf had drunken one night stand..... when is alcohol an excuse?

[niceguy246]

I've been going out with my girlfriend for over a year and we've been best friends for a little longer. The relationship actually started as a long distance relationship (in college) but we see each other all summer and go to school 45 min apart. We COULD see each other once a week or more but usually it ends up being every 2 or 3 weeks and all school vacations.

 

Anyway, everything seemed perfect. Then, a week before school ends she has sex with a guy when she was probably very drunk (she's a bad drunk). Assuming she's not hiding anything from me, which I don't think she could do, this was a huge mistake. I feel like I'm being way too forgiving but I can't find a single reason why she would throw away what we had both agreed was going to be an amazing summer. There were absolutely no signs this was coming, in fact just the opposite.

 

But at the same time, this is my dilemma. How could anyone mess up so badly? We had talked in the past about an "open relationship" and what not because she didn't want to miss out on the "college experience." I told her it was all or nothing, not half way. She backed off and nothing actually changed. We were very open and told each other everything on our minds. But now I'm left with this feeling in the back of my mind that she cheated for a reason.

 

The bottom line is, does being drunk really change things? I think there are two ways to look at it:

 

1) Alcohol completely messed up her judgement and she didn't mean it at all.

 

2) Alcohol enabled her to do what she's been wanting to do all along but didn't have the strength or whatever.

 

I want to know what people think about this. As for me, I broke up with her on the spot but I think it was just symbolic... I know for a fact that she'll beg to get me back and I will probably end up taking her back at least until we mutually agree that the relationship can't work long distance.

[supermom]

cheating is cheating.....how are you going to feel if you do get back together knowing she'll drink again.....even if she doesnt cheat again, how are you to know for sure?

 

Alcohol would not be a good enough excuse for me....but then again who am I to say? My husband drunkenly made out with a friend of my sisters when I was pregnant and we are still together...major trust issues though for while, just now getting back to normal again....but if my husband would of had sex with her I would of divorced him.

 

You have to decide if you can get over it or not. Good luck

[Becks84]

Supermom is right...only YOU know if you can get over this and if you can handle what has happened. That's what really matters. I was recently in the same situation. Although it was just a kiss, it was still cheating to me and it still hurt worse than anything else. My bf binge drinks because he hardly drinks anymore ---it's been a constant issue for all of our 2 years. I got him to drink less frequently, but when he does, LOOK OUT! He gets completely smashed --- You should read my first post! "Boyfriend kissed another girl". In a nutshell though, he kissed another girl, and there was NO reason for it. We werent fighting, not even close, the complete opposite. Things were wonderful, like usual! I searched and searched for a reason, and w/ time just became satisifed in knowing that it had nothing to do with ME. What others do to us, and when others hurt us, is not even about us. It's about them. I've read two books just on this topic!

 

We broke up...for a day...ha, and I just knew I didnt want to be without him, nor did he want to be without me. I just had to believe him when he said that was not at all why he did this. I was more angry with him than I think I have ever been with anyone. I yelled and screamed, we cried, he apologized a million times which just didnt cut it for me. And then he said he wouldnt beg for me back because he doesnt deserve me anymore. He could not even come up with any sort of reason why this happened bla bla bla. Those things made me actually want to be with him even more - the fact that he owned up to his huge mistake that could have "ruined his life" as he put it. Anyway, I am telling you my story because I am curious as to how your gf responded to you when you asked why it happened. And I am curious what she is doing about it now. Her actions now could help you decide whether or not to stay with her. I think if she is truly remorseful and you feel you can get past this one day without hiding any resentment inside, then you two could be just fine.

 

I will stop babbling and just wish you well!! And my answer to your question "when is drinking an excuse?" --- I still say it's a lame excuse, but drinking definitley does impair judgment and can make people do totally stupid things! The thing is, people who cant handle their alcohol need to not even allow themselves to be in such positions. FOr example, my bf needs to quit drinking now after this, unless he is with me. It will stay that way for awhile, until I trust him 100% again. It's just something I need, eventhough it may be stupid.

 

So if you two want to work this out, she needs to be respectful of your hurt feelings and you two need to figure out what would work best for the two of you to feel better about this and make things right. This is especially important when it comes to yourself -- you need to think about what YOU need and want, and what will make you feel better. SHe should be more than willing to do whatever you need if she wants to make things work!

 

Good luck, and keep me posted

[EnigmaXOXO]

..... when is alcohol an excuse?

 

Never.

 

Unless she was passed out cold and physically and mentally NOT participating. In that case...it would be rape.

 

Then again, I suspect you already know that. You’re just trying your hardest to give her the benefit of the doubt and convince yourself otherwise.