lost and confused

[whatz_next]

My wife asked for a divorce almost 2 weeks ago but she's still staying with me at our house till her 2 weeks notice at her job is up...which is this coming weekend...it's been very hard for me to think properly these past two weeks but i'm trying my best to stay positive about this...she tells me that she has fallen out of love with me and that she no longer loves me nor wants to be with me anymore....her reasons for leaving me are neglect, the lack of support and the fighting we get into...we have 2 daughters, the oldest is turning 4 soon and the yougest one is just 16 months...before having our younger one, we both agreed that I would support her in going back to grad school after she was born but I didnt live up to my words...I know that was devastating to her and now I know that I am totally wrong for doing such a thing...the neglect stems from the fact that I rather hang out with my friends than spend time with her....I really wish I can just turn back time and repent for all the things i have done wrong in our relationship...

 

The night she asked for a divorce i was devastated and i felt suicidal...since then i have trouble sleeping probably because i have developed separation anxiety over this...we've still been talkin and spending time with each other since the heartbreaking news...and a lot of things that she says to me is confusing and i can't tell if it's true or not or if it even means anything...the day after she wanted a divorce she told me that she is torn from leaving me, torn from asking me to go with her back to her hometown and torn from staying by my side...she also told me that she still has a "little romantic" love for me but i always thought that you can't weigh love on a scale and that you either love someone or you dont...so thats what i told her, and after i tell her that she would say that she doesnt love me anymore...so this is just really driving me crazy because i really want to save our marriage and something inside me keeps making me believe that she still loves me...

[CurlyIam]

So... what keeps you from getting her back? IT'S YOUR WIFE, fight for her! Believe me,you'll forever hate yourselffor not trying harder. Show her support, be there for her and for your 2 daughters.

 

Sweep her off her feet and don't listen to her saying "NO" to you. She is intitled, you know.

 

The key to your issue here is the fact that you must want this, you must be desperate to have your family back with you. She's not dead set against you, she even admitted of having some sort of feelings for you. Remember it's not about you anymore, it's about her! So you have to stop being selfish and be more of a man! Suicide never did anybody no good(never heard of anybody telling me differently), so get a hold of yourself and start remebering your wife's favourite songs, colours, restaurants, dish and came back from the battle as a mighty worrier! You might want to use every little advantage you have, family and friends included.

 

Don't forget to tell us how it works

[supermom]

Have you asked her to go to marriage counceling? I know how you feel though. The hardest part for me in my divorce is that I know I could of done a lot of things differently, but the best part of it is that in my current marriage, I have learned what NOT to do, and fortunately my ex and I, after a couple of years of fighting, have learned to be friends.

 

I know it hurts, I had the same line "love you but not in love with you" and it is soooo confusing...but just think that SOMEDAY you will feel better.

 

Hopefully you guys can work it out....everything happens for a reason.

 

 

Good luck

[whatz_next]

I forgot to mention that during this whole time after she wanted to get a divorce we've still been having sex...which makes me even more confused about how she feels...on top of that she tells me she still wants me to kiss her, hold her, make love to her, and sleep in the same bed with her still but yet she tells me she doesnt want to be with me anymore...

 

I am willing to sacrifice and stop being selfish but she tells me its too late...but sometimes i think she tells me its too late cause her feelings for me are buried beneath the anger and resentment she has...i really dont know what else i can do....

 

i wanted to just take the kids and move up north to her hometown just so that the kids can see both of us on a daily basis...i really want to keep that "intact" family atmosphere for them...thanks for any advice, comments or suggestions...

[EnigmaXOXO]

I am willing to sacrifice and stop being selfish but she tells me its too late...but sometimes i think she tells me its too late cause her feelings for me are buried beneath the anger and resentment she has...i really dont know what else i can do....

 

Then respond: "I know. But I want to do this for you anyway."

 

Don't convince her she's wrong. Don't beg her to stay or reconsider. Instead, agree not to disagree. The next time she says: “It’s too late”…don’t panic. Instead reply: “I know. But let me be there for you anyway.”

 

This will absolutely throw her for a loop.

 

Right now, keeping you hanging on the edge is providing her with the attention she has been wanting all along. That's why she likes it there. You are finally being the attentive and loving husband she's always wanted you to be. Why would she want to change the situation and go back to the way things were?

 

Meanwhile, follow through on your promises. Support her in every decision she makes regardless if she keeps changing her mind. Don’t use her constant threats to leave as an excuse not to follow through. Consistent action, not words or empty promises.

 

You may just be able to turn this thing around if you pull yourself out of panic mode and try to think clearly and rationally. And if you do win her back…NO MORE SLIPPING BACKWARDS. No fair if Prince Charming turns back into a toad again! If you sincerely want to change, than do it!

 

Good luck and G-d’s speed, Man!!

[Red Flag Rick]

one of the main things i hear from my straight female friends in relationships is that their male partner does not know how to lead the relationship.

 

from what little i know about your situation, it appears that you have not stepped up to the plate to lead and manage your marriage, which is the male's responsibility. you are not alone - guys are going out with their buds and damaging their relationships every day. and then, like you, they are hit in the face with a separation, and they cannot believe it. i can, because i have heard your story many times.

 

i am not a professional - just a gay man with lots of straight friends, male and female, who come to me for my opinion on their relationships. and i have heard tons of stuff from both sides, so i think i may have some insight that will at least get the ball rolling in a new direction for you.

 

if there is hope for your marriage, it starts with you. it starts with you recognizing the reality that you have ignored for so long and taking the steps to fix it.

 

and it has everything to do with leadership and value.

 

you have not placed the correct value on yourself, your responsibility as a husband and father, your wife, and on your marriage. these things have value, and i bet you realize that now. but the key for guys to remember is that this value has to be placed on themselves at the very beginning, or they will not see themselves and their relationships as they should.

 

as a gay man, i have watched for years as the hetero male culture in this society has placed more value on everything else but themselves and their relationships with women. its not cool for a straight guy to think deeply and show his emotions and be a true leader. it is very cool, however, for straight guys to focus on their buds, their passions (football, golf, cars, etc) and to view women as objects and sexual pit stops. i hate it, but you seem to have been a victim of this misplaced focus and you are now experiencing the disastrous results of this societal mess.

 

and it sounds like your wife has had enough. and if you are this culpable, who would blame her. she may not be an angel, but from what you wrote, your actions, or lack thereof, have had a tremendous impact on your marriage.

 

your wife has been giving you cues that something was wrong for some time now, as is usually the case. because of your skewed perspective, i bet you didn't see one of them... we all send signals all the time - and when we date someone, we need to look for signals, or red flags, that indicate trouble on the horizon. these red flags are extremely important, and i place the highest value on folks doing what is necessary to master the ability to spot the red flags as they date and enter into relationships.

 

also, your wife had the chance to see red flags in you as she got to know you that indicated your lack of understanding of leadership and value, and she either ignored them as so many females do in their search for their White Knight (another societal myth that seriously hinders one's perspective), or she may not have known how to see the red flags in you, just as you haven't known how to see them as she called for help and attention in your marriage.

 

i cannot imagine the hurt that you are feeling, but i bet you hurt big time. and as you review this marriage and your role in it, i bet you see things that you wish you had done differently.

 

i will tell you that i think the worst thing you can do right now is beat yourself up. you are in a crisis and you do not have time to throw a pity party. you know you have done something wrong so don't dwell on the past - look at your future as you have never viewed it before - if you want to save this marriage, you will do what i said i think you didn't do from the beginning -

 

step up to the plate and start to realize the incredible value on every dynamic associated with this relationship,

 

and lead. it is, and it has always been, your primary responsibility as a male in a relationship.

 

and you do not have time for a big learning curve, so I suggest the following direction:

 

remember that women have heard enough words from men. what they really want to see is action. you said you want to repent? repent through positive action and hopefully this will be the spark to save your marriage.

 

you cannot save this marriage on your own with the necessary internal tools to facilitate healthy relationships missing inside you right now - this is what led you to where you are now. you must seek professional guidance and i don't mean next week. open the phone book, talk to friends, do what you must do to find the best help you can find.

 

and immediately include your wife and start rebuilding trust. in addition to your leadership, your attention, your time, and your big ole' arms around her, trust is what she has wanted from the beginning. so you now see that your neglect and your buddies and your broken promises did nothing to build the trust between you and her, which again, was your responsibility as the leader of your family. but remember - you have no time to throw a pity party, as you have to hit the ground immediately. so save the tears for later and get busy with action. you have to change and you have to change now. i hope your wife is still open to reconciliation - but regardless, you must change. and change only comes from taking action.

 

i have heard women for years complain about guys like you, so i feel that i know a bit about what your wife must be going through... what she needs right now is to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you intend on rebuilding this marriage because you have seen, initially, the errors that you have made. i am compelled to tell you to show her my response to you - as i said, she needs to see action and she has had enough of your words - and your inaction. you must do something immediately that shows you are taking action and intend on becoming the true leader of this marriage. i bet if your wife reads my response, she will be nodding her head in agreement with every word on this page. and she will see that your plea for advice in this crisis is an indication of your sincere desire to save your marriage, so maybe this is what you should do. i certainly do not think it will hurt.

 

sir, your wife approached this marriage in a completely different way than you did. she had dreams of her perfect man for years and they started when she was a little girl playing with her dolls and marrying one doll to the other. women build their entire lives on this dream, and today her dream is shattered...

 

so imagine how she is feeling right now.

 

men, however, are not conditioned to dream this way, so you were out with your friends playing fort and killing each other and throwing GI Joe off hills and riding your bikes over homemade wooden ramps. you have grown up completely different from a female, and that difference, plus many other things have much to do with the deplorable condition of male-female relationships today.

 

i say this so you will start to understand that it takes an incredible amount of work to understand a female - they are definitely smarter than males, but they come with lots of layers, so if a female does not master her own inner growth, they end up being used by the males who have not understood their role as leader in society and relationships. i do not know your wife's stage of inner growth, but it is safe to say that something told her this was the time to truly get your attention.

 

i do not mean to beat you down, but i want you to understand all you can at this point so you will truly see the magnitude of what is going on and why you need to act today. you have been living in a male's world and it has absolutely done you wrong - i pray that other males are reading this and will see that there is a new world that males must discover if they want to experience healthy relationships.

 

as i write these words and rack my brain to think of answers for you, i confess that i cannot lay a path for you so that you will see a positive outcome to this crisis. your wife is hurt like you will never know right now, and i do not know if she is finished or is willing to give you the chance to save yourself, and then your marriage. i pray that she is willing, and i will tell you that from my many experiences with my female friends, they are usually more willing than i would ever be to see if their guys step up to the plate and change. i can understand this to a degree - think about the history of their dreams and think about the commitment that they must have to their man and think about the sacrifices that they make in their relationships every day of their lives with kids, husbands, jobs, and trying to live up to the ridiculous standard that they have to see on TV every day. now think about what guys put them through and think about how they are viewed by male society and think about what you have put your wife through in your own marriage.

 

this is what you and so many males like you need - you need a new perspective. and it will lead to your evolution and you will be stronger and you will have a new realization of just how magical and marvelous females are. and here's the kicker - once your wife sees change in you, and once she sees your natural, gentle leadership as you interact with her and your kids, she will respond to you like you cannot imagine... females don't want to be controlled, but they appreciate their man most when he acts like a man and leads... and part of that responsibility includes being attentive to their female partner's needs every step of the way. and since females are so hard to read sometimes, it takes a helluvalotta work. but if a man is not willing to work at his relationship, then he needs to leave females alone.

 

i will say without reservation that females are truly the smartest, the most important, the strongest, and the most mysterious creatures on this earth. and they deserve to be treated at the level that reflects this undeniable truth.

 

and you can do this - many guys do. and your acceptance of your ability to step up to the plate is much more important than your tears right now, so if there was ever a time that you needed to believe in yourself, it is now.

 

and yes, the irony of this is not wasted - at the very moment you feel more inadequate than you ever have in your life, you have to feel empowered and believe that you can save yourself and your marriage.

 

but you have the strength to do this, and you must rise to the challenge immediately. it is time to become a real man, and real men face every challenge head on, even though they may be scared to death on the inside. so remember that fear is natural, and it, in this instance, is good. let the fear of losing your wife and your family light a fire under your butt so you will shoot out of that Lazy-Boy recliner like a rocket and save your family. and don't waste time doubting yourself - you have wasted enough time up to now and you do not have more time to waste.

 

so yes - now that i think about it, you need a tool that that will empower you to take action. and you need to show your wife that you mean business. so print this post and ask her for a few minutes alone... and look her in the eyes and tell her that in your search for answers as to why you screwed this thing up, you asked for help on a relationship message board, and some crazy fag responded with all this stuff. then shut up and let her read it and see if she thinks any of this rings true.

if it rings true, ask her if she is willing to give you the opportunity to change what you already know you have done wrong, and work on becoming the man you now see that you have never been to her.

 

if she says yes, then decide, together, the course that you take to save this relationship. and it absolutely must include professional help.

 

i know you want this, and i pray that she will allow you the chance to take additional action so that you will learn how to place the proper value on her, your kids, your marriage, and most important - yourself.

 

i will be thinking of you folks and praying that you will work through this so your family will be strengthened and you will experience the joy that only a healthy relationship can bring.

 

oh, one more thing - if she gives you the chance and you start to rebuild the marriage, either email me or find a quality gay friend who can give you tips and direction on bringing romance to your relationship - cause you are gonna need one -

and most women have gay male friends and they tell us everything. we are a valuable resource, and we really do want you breeders to have successful relationships. as i continue to say, the smart man gets over his insecurities and sees the bond between straight girls and gay men, and he uses it to his advantage.

 

and look up my responses on this board - and i used to post under "scottbsl" until i realized that i needed to morph into Red Flag Rick and get some folks to wake up and smell reality. once you read my other posts, you will see that i have triued to hold my forked tongue with you - sometimes my passion runs away with my fingers and - well, if you read my posts, you will see. and you will also learn more about relationships and knowledge is always power.

 

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is nothing new. We've been adding our two cents to the smarter straight male population for years and years.

 

i can only imagine what you have not done for her birthday, your anniversary, to surprise her, etc... you obviously need to work on your skills as a romantic partner, so don't be like my father who gave my mother a riding lawn mower for their anniversary one year.

 

it definitely wasn't one of dad's better years.

[CurlyIam]

Wow, I don't think I could ever say it better than Red Flag Rick! If you follow his advice, my friend,you willhave a very very busy year

 

The only thing I feel I need to add is: now you know what needs to be done;you've had a little input onto your wife's way of thinking... BEfore starting anything, you need to truly want her back.

 

Take a bitof time and think about what you really want. It is a big responsability, you are swearing right now to change your ways and be there for her. It demands a lot of work! Don't let her down!

 

YOu know, it is nothing shameful to admit it's too much for you. You cut your losses now and hope one day you'll be happy with no woman on your side. But it's waaay better than promising something, creating hope and realizing that in fact you don't really want that or worst, you're not sure.

 

So to summ this up: take a bit of time, realize the importance of this moment and choose a path: getting your family back or walking away. Don't think friends, relative,society, think only about yourself. Because if you do the thing that makes you happy, you are doing the right thing then. After deciding, put it into practice immediately: either move out now or email asap red flag rick

 

Good luck to you!

[Red Flag Rick]

i continue to be concerned for this original poster and hope to hear some news soon.