Am i a douchebag or is she overreacting?

[DutchValhallaViking]

So, as i mentioned in another thread, my GF broke up with me last week over some circumstances in our lovelife she couldnt deal with, but the thing that pushed her over the edge was the following:

 

1,5 week ago i met a friend of a friend on Facebook and we started talking a bit and getting to know each other.

I added her to MSN because it was easier to chat that way and she asked to see some pictures because she was curious. So i changed my display picture to several others to show her. No big deal, girls do that all the time.

 

Her own display picture looked like it was taken at some photoshoot, same picture she also used on facebook. I could only see her from the upper chest upwards, and it looked like she was wearing some top. It turned out it was a fancy sports bra.

 

Anyway, she said the picture was from an semi-pro underwear photoshoot and asked if i wanted to see more of them, she sounded excited and proud of the shoot and even mentioned her mom liked the pictures.

 

Figuring it wouldnt be that bad, i said "sure, why not?". And she sent me 6 pictures on MSN.

Turns out there was only 1 picture she showed her mom, which was a normally clothed picture. The other 5 were the kind of pictures you see in underwear catalogs.

Now the lingerie she was wearing was not all that erotic, no seethrough or lace etc, infact my girlfriend shows more skin and curves when she's wearing her bikini.

 

I mentioned to the girl i felt i was probably doing something inappropriate by watching these pics, but that she looked nice in them.

I felt awkward about it so i contacted my GF and told her about the new female friend being a little weird because she sent me "sexy pics" within hours of first chatting with me and that it didnt sit right with me.

 

My girlfriend asked about the pictures and the conversation in which she gave them so i showed them both, explaining the situation surrounding it.

 

She got really upset and pissed off at me over this. And now, a week later, still hasnt fully forgiven me. Stating that i might aswell have shagged her.

 

She no longer felt special and claimed she never could again and for her that was the spark to break up with me over this and other reasons. (other reasons being circumstances, not me doing stupid stuff btw.)

 

I promised i wouldnt do stuff like this again, that i was sorry and pointed out i came to her right away when i felt it was worse than i thought, which helped a bit she said. Last week she said she forgave me but last night it became clear she hadnt "fully forgiven me" and was still upset and angry about it.... ...Double-U-Tee-Eff?

 

I told her she knows i wouldnt do it if i knew the pics were that inappropriate, to which she agreed but said it didnt matter because it happened anyway. And she doesnt want to hear any explanations etc. When i said that comparing it to "shagging her" was overkill she said i was "entitled to my own opinion."

She just got angry and quit the conversation and went to bed.

 

I still feel bad about it but i think she's reacting way over the top.

Edited August 2, 2011 by DutchValhallaViking

[Star Gazer]

Why were you even chatting up this female friend of a friend in the first place???

[Eternal Sunshine]

She is not over-reacting. What you did wouldn't sit right with me.

 

You were chatting up some random female and exchanging pics?

 

She was right to dump you, hope she sticks with it.

[DutchValhallaViking]

Why were you even chatting up this female friend of a friend in the first place???

 

What do you mean? I am not allowed to talk to and meet new people? My ex-GF did it all the time. She has dozens of male friends and meets new ones every time she goes out clubbing.

 

Hell, the day before i met this new girl my then GF told me she enjoyed teasing guys at the club until 7 of them were competing over her, saying she enjoyed the confidence boost and attention.

 

I used to have a few female friends but lost contact with them. Sometimes it's nice to be able to talk to a female friend about stuff. No flirting or anything. I posted something funny on the Facebook wall of a friend of mine, and this girl replied, then i chat with her directly in response to it.

 

I wasnt "chatting up" to her as in trying to do something inappropriate.

[Eternal Sunshine]

What do you mean? I am not allowed to talk to and meet new people? My ex-GF did it all the time. She has dozens of male friends and meets new ones every time she goes out clubbing.

 

Hell, the day before i met this new girl my then GF told me she enjoyed teasing guys at the club until 7 of them were competing over her, saying she enjoyed the confidence boost and attention.

 

I used to have a few female friends but lost contact with them. Sometimes it's nice to be able to talk to a female friend about stuff. No flirting or anything. I posted something funny on the Facebook wall of a friend of mine, and this girl replied, then i chat with her directly in response to it.

 

I wasnt "chatting up" to her as in trying to do something inappropriate.

 

Eh, you both sound f-ed up.

[DutchValhallaViking]

holy moly...another one thinking im chatting up to random girls. Listen closely, i hardly ever talk to girls other than my ex-GF. I just ended up talking to this girl last week and i did not give her any pictures of mine, i merely showed her 2 of my MSN display pictures. Why is that a bad thing?

 

At the time i didnt realize the pictures she was going to send me were as bad as they were. Judgement of error on my part but, come on! dumping me over that?.... staying pissed at me for over a week? "I hope she sticks with it"?

 

I'm deeply sorry for it but i dont deserve to be nailed to the wall for it i think. I do not consider myself "f-ed up" because i would like to have some male and female friends. And my girlfriend has self-esteem issues, she likes attention and can overreact. But i wouldnt call that f-ed up either.

 

And i made a promise to not accept pics from other girls again, i always keep my promises. Does a 3 second lapse in judgement really deserve this kind of response?

Edited August 2, 2011 by DutchValhallaViking

[Lilmisus]

I think I agree with ES, you both are messed up.

 

Whereas talking to that chick and agreeing to see pictures (no matter what you thought they'd look like) of her was messed up on your part, I do agree that you did the right thing by calling her asap and showing her the conversation. It honestly sounds like you were probably flirting with the friend of the friend if it got to the point that she was showing you those pictures of herself, most of which she didn't even show her mom. If there was even a hint of flirting in there, then I'd have gotten pretty pissed too, regardless of when you ended the convo and let me know. I'd probably would be more upset over seeing a conversation where you were flirting with someone else than seeing the pictures they showed you.

 

The thing is - when you're in a relationship, you have to be able to trust the other person completely, and with you talking to some random chick and looking at her pictures (regardless of if you knew that they'd be as bad as they were in the first place), it just broke your girlfriend's trust of you. She may be thinking (though it's probably not true) "who else has he talked to that he hasn't told me about?" At the same time, I think it's incredibly messed up that she goes to the club and teases guys trying to get them to compete over her. What kind of person does that, especially in a relationship? Why would you stay with her knowing it?

 

Give it time if anything and try to convince her to trust you again. It may take a week or even a month, just ask yourself if it's worth the wait. That's all you can do..but I'd say let this one go.

[DutchValhallaViking]

...wow...i did not expect to see so many negative replies to me chatting with members of the opposite sex. I feel horrible...

 

I never, ever was out to chat up with her in a inproper way or anything other than having another fun person to talk to.

Since my (ex)-GF spends loads of time with male friends, i was on the look out for some male and female friends to chat with when im bored and my GF isnt around. Just friends, i swear to all of you! And my GF knew i was looking for new friends to talk to. Infact a few months ago we talked about her spending time with guy friends and chatting up with them. And how i should not worry about it. I suggested maybe i should get some female friends to chat with, since if i had friends of the oppossite sex, i would see it's nothing to feel insecure about. I LITERALLY told her that and she didnt seem to have any problem with it.

 

This sure as hell backfired badly. The girl in question is willing to talk to my ex-GF about it and explain it from her point of view. Actually she told me 5 minutes ago that yesterday a male friend of hers got dumped because he also saw her pictures and his GF was pissed off at it.

 

My ex-gf was perfectly fine with everything, me chatting with new girls, making female friends, getting her on MSN, EVEN SENDING PICTURES..just not about the fact the pictures were as bad as they turned out to be. Seriously, if i realised how inappropriate the pictures were i would never have accepted it in the first place. I made a judgement error for 3 seconds thinking it couldnt be so bad, based on the fact she said she already showed the pics to lots of people including her own mother. Right up to that point i was 100% positive my girlfriend would be happily ok with it. When i saw the exact nature of the pictures however i knew i should have been more cautious.

Edited August 2, 2011 by DutchValhallaViking

[DutchValhallaViking]

The only mistake i feel i made was not being cautious enough and overlooking the fact the mentioned the word "underwear" when she spoke proudly about her photoshoot. That should have set off alarm bells, but i figured she wouldnt be sending pictures that would be unappropriate, naive perhaps, a silly mistake, but i think worst 'punishment' i deserve is her getting angry for a few hours and making me promise never do something like that again or be more careful. Everything else i did was perfectly in line with what my girlfriend has also done on a daily basis the past 3 years.

 

She freely admitted that she takes full responsibility for the break up and feels absolutely horrible for losing me. But the circumstances (long distance, her mental issues, her feeling scared because she's less into me the past weeks) were the main reason she broke up. She told me this was just the spark to suddenly unveal all those covered up worries she had that she might not be good enough for me and that she'll end up hurting me in the future when we want to marry and live together.

 

But the majority of you people still feel i deserve this reaction from her over this? :( I made a 3 second judgement error i confessed right away. That ruins 3 years of being totally devoted and good to her?

[Rinas]

I understand why your girlfriend was upset. I also can see why you are upset. This is why communication is key in relationships.

 

Talking to another female is one thing, agreeing to look at revealing photos of her is another. When said other female offered to show you these photos, it should have occurred that she was indeed attempting to flirt and fish for some compliments.

 

However, I do respect the fact that you told your girlfriend about what had happened. If I were in her case I would take it into consideration and have open communication with you about my concerns.

 

In my last relationship something similar had happened. My (ex) boyfriend used to talk to this other girl. She had been taken at the time (to a friend of his), so I didn't see her as a threat. One day I found out she was trying to show him the lingerie that she was supposedly going to buy for her boyfriend.

 

I was upset at this girl for crossing my boundary lines, and I was upset at my boyfriend for not putting the facts together. I ended up talking to the girl in a polite manor and asking what her intent was. She decided to just run off and lose contact, but that was her decision, not mine.

 

I also discussed the issue with him and let him know that while I don't mind him having friends of the opposite gender, some boundary lines shouldn't be crossed.

 

All you can do now is accept your girlfriend (ex's) decision and give her some space. If she's using this as an excuse to end the relationship, then she must have been contemplating it for awhile. Live & learn, you'll be okay.

[Chocolat]

Hmmmmm. Even if you did not know that the pictures were going to be inappropriate, why on earth were you swapping pictures in the first place? When meeting someone who has the potential to be a friend, the logical first steps are to determine if there are common interests that would provide the basis for friendship. Pictures are usually exchanged to determine attraction, which suggests something other than friendship.

 

I've never exchanged sexy pictures with anyone I just met, nor with anyone I considered just a friend.

[DutchValhallaViking]

Hmmmmm. Even if you did not know that the pictures were going to be inappropriate, why on earth were you swapping pictures in the first place? When meeting someone who has the potential to be a friend, the logical first steps are to determine if there are common interests that would provide the basis for friendship. Pictures are usually exchanged to determine attraction, which suggests something other than friendship.

 

I've never exchanged sexy pictures with anyone I just met, nor with anyone I considered just a friend.

 

Actually the reason we came in contact was because we both commented on a mutual friend's wall post concerning a TV series we like. We spent an hour telling about and laughing about our personal favourite moments, then we properly introduced ourselves and moved talked on MSN, where, just to be on the safe side, i started talking about my girlfriend and how i love watching that TV show together with her. Making it clear i enjoy my GF and am happy with her.

 

I never intended to exchange "sexy pictures", and all i did from my end was swap between completely normal display pictures on MSN that i have been using the past 3 years.

 

Her own display picture didnt look inappropriate and she, without me asking, started explaining how it was part of a pro underwear photoshoot she did a few weeks earlier and she was really proud of and shows to everyone including her mom. She asked if i wanted to see the rest. In my naïvity, sleepdeprived mind, and not wanting to be polite (**** excuse that one ), and at that moment not realising or thinking about what she was going to show, i said "sure why not". She immediately transfered all the pictures and i cringed and told her i probably did something inappropriate just now.

 

I should have just said "No, thanks. That would be inappropriate".

[Eternal Sunshine]

Hmmmmm. Even if you did not know that the pictures were going to be inappropriate, why on earth were you swapping pictures in the first place? When meeting someone who has the potential to be a friend, the logical first steps are to determine if there are common interests that would provide the basis for friendship. Pictures are usually exchanged to determine attraction, which suggests something other than friendship.

 

I've never exchanged sexy pictures with anyone I just met, nor with anyone I considered just a friend.

 

Exactly. Put it this way:if you were chatting to another guy on MSN -would you swap pics? I think not.

[DutchValhallaViking]

Exactly. Put it this way:if you were chatting to another guy on MSN -would you swap pics? I think not.

 

Actually i have, with perfectly strait guys, and i am strait as an arrow aswell....well one turned out to be gay and in love with me and pretending to be a woman. Awkwardness all around....

For example if i still have the long hair i had on the picture on MSN, they get curious and ask how i look at the moment etc.

 

It certainly is less common i agree with that. And usually takes a bit longer for that to happen than the few hours i talked to this girl.

 

But read my last post, i had been talking to her for a few hours about a mutual friendly interest in a TV show etc.

[Lilmisus]

You know, I feel like the pictures aren't that big of a deal. Like I said, flirting would have gotten me more upset than the pictures. For some reason, I feel like they aren't that big of a deal to your girlfriend either, and that this was just her excuse to end things with you. I mean, if this is the first time that you ever really screwed up and she freaked this much out and said that she couldn't feel the spark anymore, and even blamed the breakup on herself, wouldn't you say that there's more to it than you know about? Especially since you've talked to her about getting friends of the opposite sex before and she's such a major flirt herself? I don't mean to hurt you worse than you already are hurt from all of this, but I think you should really ask yourself how much of this is your fault, and how much you really don't have control over the situation.

 

Also, what's this chick's problem to where she feels the need to show her underwear pictures to taken guys? I mean, showing one guy them is one thing, but two guys, and ending two relationships at least? It sounds like she has issues too honestly.

[zengirl]

OP, how old are you?

 

I think your GF had a normal human reaction to what had happened. I do not think it's the same as "shagging" her, but I don't think your GF does deep down either, or she would've reacted a lot worse (and probably no longer be your GF). It's just the thing you say when you find out your BF has been internet creeping with some random girl.

 

Now, I don't know if you're really as naive as your OP says----if you are, I sincerely hope you're pretty young (hence the opening question)----because it all sounds kind of silly to me. However, if you're college-aged or something, I could potentially believe it.

 

IMO, if that's the case, and you really ARE that clueless (or were, as hopefully you've learned not to chat in this manner with strange women in future). . . Your biggest mistake is getting defensive. You know it was wrong (you say you wouldn't have done it if you'd realized), so you should've gone straight up mea culpa, my bad, please forgive me, I had no idea, never happen again. The end. No "you're overreacting" crap. This was YOUR mess. Own it.

[DutchValhallaViking]

You know, I feel like the pictures aren't that big of a deal. Like I said, flirting would have gotten me more upset than the pictures. For some reason, I feel like they aren't that big of a deal to your girlfriend either, and that this was just her excuse to end things with you. I mean, if this is the first time that you ever really screwed up and she freaked this much out and said that she couldn't feel the spark anymore, and even blamed the breakup on herself, wouldn't you say that there's more to it than you know about? Especially since you've talked to her about getting friends of the opposite sex before and she's such a major flirt herself? I don't mean to hurt you worse than you already are hurt from all of this, but I think you should really ask yourself how much of this is your fault, and how much you really don't have control over the situation.

 

Also, what's this chick's problem to where she feels the need to show her underwear pictures to taken guys? I mean, showing one guy them is one thing, but two guys, and ending two relationships at least? It sounds like she has issues too honestly.

 

Actually she has put them online on some profile sites so atleast a hundred people have seen them by now. Including on Facebook where i ran into her in the first place.

I talked to this girl about this and she sees no harm in it as when she goes to the beach her bikini shows just as much skin etc and she admitted she loves showing off the pictures.

 

My GF honestly told me this was just the spark for breaking up but that other issues, such as feeling guilty about me moving to her country when we move our relationship to the next level, and her phobias, and less interest the past weeks, have made her scared she's not good enough for me and i would end up getting hurt.

 

For the complete story about the reasons for breaking up see: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t289801/

[yessy21]

well. im sayiing this in the nicest way possible. what you did was wrong in the sense of getting to personal. the girl was obviously flirting with you and you flirted back. if you hadnt exchanged the pics then all would have been good.... but u crossed the line and that maked u a potential cheater.

 

case closed.

[DutchValhallaViking]

OP, how old are you?

 

I think your GF had a normal human reaction to what had happened. I do not think it's the same as "shagging" her, but I don't think your GF does deep down either, or she would've reacted a lot worse (and probably no longer be your GF). It's just the thing you say when you find out your BF has been internet creeping with some random girl.

 

Now, I don't know if you're really as naive as your OP says----if you are, I sincerely hope you're pretty young (hence the opening question)----because it all sounds kind of silly to me. However, if you're college-aged or something, I could potentially believe it.

 

IMO, if that's the case, and you really ARE that clueless (or were, as hopefully you've learned not to chat in this manner with strange women in future). . . Your biggest mistake is getting defensive. You know it was wrong (you say you wouldn't have done it if you'd realized), so you should've gone straight up mea culpa, my bad, please forgive me, I had no idea, never happen again. The end. No "you're overreacting" crap. This was YOUR mess. Own it.

 

I "own" my mess of making that decision to accept pictures while she did mention the word underwear photoshoot. I fraked that up. I did not "chat up" in an inapproptiate way as there was no flirting involved and i made my intent and relationship status very clear.

 

As i have talked with my GF before, every action i did was perfectly within reasons and boundaries we set and have BOTH done before, except the fact that the pics turned out to be more 'sexy' than i realised. My GF even confirmed this last night.

 

If it was just that one normally clothed pic my GF give her bi-sexual view on her looks and giggle about it. Why do i know? Past experience with my GF.

 

As i mentioned before, i DID come to her and apoligise and admit i made a mistake. Please read my previous posts

 

And i did promise not to do this kind of thing again. You know what i did? I promised to never accept ANY kind of picture from a girl again. My, now ex, GF, mentioned there was no reason for me to go that far with the promise, just that i double check what kind of pics girls send me before i say yes.

 

IF i kept my mouth shut she wouldnt know. But i knew i mucked up the moment i saw the pics and came to her to show her all the chat and all the pics. I believe i did the right thing.

 

I am 27, my ex-GF is 21.

 

And it ****ing hurts and i feel guilty about it because i know it's my own fault.

However i still believe she overreacts by suggesting i might aswell have shagged her. That one hurt.

[DutchValhallaViking]

well. im sayiing this in the nicest way possible. what you did was wrong in the sense of getting to personal. the girl was obviously flirting with you and you flirted back. if you hadnt exchanged the pics then all would have been good.... but u crossed the line and that maked u a potential cheater.

 

case closed.

 

Potential cheater? flirting? ...wtf...:eek:

 

Ok, it seems i'm obviously way too naive and a douchebag and she's not overreacting, thanks for letting me know everyone.

 

I thought i was just having a friendly non-flirty talk with a girl that shared a common interest. I guess it appears it was flirting.Next relationship i will certainly remember the harsh lesson learned here the past week.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Also, the fact that you are still chatting to this girl and confiding in her personal details of your relationship/break-up is not cool. I would have problem with that too.

[sm1tten]

Yes, you made a mistake. Yes, you owned up to it. Yes, you made various promises along the lines of "never doing that again." Where you are failing is with both your extreme defensiveness and your inability to accept that just because you did all those "right" things it doesn't make up for the really "wrong" one - for her. She's not entitled to forgive you just because you're sorry.

 

And, your other thread on this. It sounds to me like your girlfriend was looking for an out and you conveniently gave it to her. Just because you don't agree with her reasoning and don't want to break up doesn't mean her feelings are invalid or without merit.

 

To be honest, I really think you and your ex need to take some space away from each other. I'm pretty sure that she knows that you're hurting over the breakup and she probably is also aware that you think she's overreacting. Neither of those are going to bring her back to you. You both need to start dealing with what's going on - separately, IMO.

[Emilia]

You are unlucky OP because you had the nuttiest women responding to your post, just your luck.

 

Your GF is over-reacting yes and clearly there were several issues behind the break up, not just this one. 21 is very young. Her initial reaction was normal but as she found out the facts from you she should have calmed down quickly. You are not a douchebag but it's best not to get familiar with strange women over the internet. People are fooled by the false intimacy and all that. You understand.

[zengirl]

Seriously? 27?

 

I just find what you did incredibly naive. You're OLDER than I am, and I'd never get sucked into that kind of dynamic in a chat. A lot of the things leading up to the sexy pictures sounded sketchy to me --- more on her part, but bad on you for missing them, I'd say. I guess it would bother me to have a BF so obviously clueless to these things. But I'm not 21. I'm not saying it makes you a bad guy, but your defensiveness did not help you with it, and I see it all as a very odd situation.

 

But I had missed that she actually broke up with you over it. I thought she just left angry and this had JUST happened.

 

Yes, you made a mistake. Yes, you owned up to it. Yes, you made various promises along the lines of "never doing that again." Where you are failing is with both your extreme defensiveness and your inability to accept that just because you did all those "right" things it doesn't make up for the really "wrong" one - for her. She's not entitled to forgive you just because you're sorry.

 

This is really how it goes.

 

Anyway, if she broke up with you, it likely wasn't over just this. That's not really how girls work.

[Chocolat]

Actually i have, with perfectly strait guys, and i am strait as an arrow aswell....

 

Really? So you'd "meet" a guy on FB, talk to him for an hour or so and then agree to look at his "pro underwear photoshoot" pictures"?

 

Really?