Am i a douchebag or is she overreacting?

[DutchValhallaViking]

During a short casual chat we had this morning i decided to ask her if she is more comfortable with me showing my affection and desire for her during chats or if i should treat her 100% the way i would if we were to definately become just friends.

 

She said it's fine if i still act flirty and naughty in chats like i did before, actually she added i could behave any way i prefer.

 

I used this as an opening to tell her what being long term friends insted of lovers would actually practically mean.

I told her it sadly wouldnt just be like the past 3 years minus the sex, but that i would treat her the way i treat the female friends i have right now. Which i told her i feared would be far less than she might hope for.

 

I didnt go into details because she should have a pretty good idea of how i treat female friends.

 

Because i do not flirt with female friends, act affectionate around them or spend lots of time with them. At the moment i have 3 female friends, and spend an average of maybe 30-60 minutes combined per week on them. Just small talk and i do not meet up to hang with them unless my ex-GF is with me or their BF joins is with them. Because that might give the wrong idea.

 

And that's pretty much what my ex-GF would also get from me if she makes the break definitive and choses to stay friends with me insted of breaking contact.

 

I added that the other alternative, breaking contact, would give me a feeling of loss like she died or something because she suddenly wouldnt be in my life anymore. I added i was of course exaggerating it a bit because i would of course assume she'd be alive and happy with someone else eventually. (I never previously stated how breaking contact would affect me compared to staying just friends so i added it there.)

 

And last week she described it as a worse loss than when her first true love passed away unexpectantly a few years before we met.

(The following day i asked her if she was exaggerating, she said she wasnt. Not sure if i should take that with a grain of salt. During the breakup and the days immediately following it she did seem extremely depressed and grieving. she was convinced she lost the two only people she ever truly loved because of her own faults)

Edited August 4, 2011 by DutchValhallaViking

[Professor X]

It's time you move on son.

 

You threatening her to not be in touch with her to to much since she will be "friend-zoned" now just won't work, and we both know why you're doing this.

 

You will be a mess the moment you will hear from her that she slept with another person, so spare yourself the agony and just go NC as soon as possible.

[DutchValhallaViking]

It's time you move on son.

 

You threatening her to not be in touch with her to to much since she will be "friend-zoned" now just won't work, and we both know why you're doing this.

 

You will be a mess the moment you will hear from her that she slept with another person, so spare yourself the agony and just go NC as soon as possible.

 

I'm doing it to warn her not to have the wrong expectations of being friends with me. And yeah, to make her think about what it would be like before she makes her decision final. Was that wrong?

What if she thinks she'll still be able to chat daily with me and do stuff together and get lots of attention while she's dating someone else? That wouldnt be fair to me, or her new BF. Id like her to atleast get a head's up to prevent any nasty suprises, IF i am able to stay friends with her.

 

And yeah i'll likely be a mess the moment i hear she hooked up with a guy or is dating one. Dispite her promise not to tell me anything about her future love/sex life, it's simply not possible to avoid it, i'm not stupid.

 

Going NC would logically speaking be the least harmful way to go for myself. But she hinted at keeping the option to get back together open if she or i manage to change her mind. And last i asked she still had romantic and sexual interest in me, and hopes she will feel differently about being unable to carry on together. Heck, i asked her yesterday if she thought about my counter arguments to her fears/reasons the past days and she she "of course did". I think that means she's still a little in limbo about all this.

 

So Proff X, i know you said i should just go NC and move on, as in forget her. But will that make me run the risk of slamming shut a door that might still be open? Holy ****, i'm bad at letting this girl go heh.

 

- Do i block her and remove her from my life completely?

- Do i ignore her unless she wants to talk about fixing our relationship?

- Do i stay passive in communication and only reply minimally and keep busy / unavailable most of the time?

- Do i treat her as a normal female friend as i described?

- Do i keep behaving towards her like i did before the break?

Edited August 4, 2011 by DutchValhallaViking

[Professor X]

Son, you clearly don't know how chicks think. The door is already closed, so no, you got no hope, in most likely hood, she's just using those words to string you along, so she'll get her attention until she meets a new guy.

 

And trust me, she knows EXACTLY what will happen once she hooks up with a new guy; And let me make it clear, when she does hook with someone else, it will mean 100% that she isn't interested in you (romantically) and therefor will "sacrifice" your RS in the favor of her new one.

 

You 2 are finished, so it's time you start thinking about what's good for YOU, not what's good for HER; Besides, she's the one who initiated the break, so she has more "moved on" than you realize.

She broke up with you for "selfish" reasons (as should be), time you do the same.

 

 

- Do i block her and remove her from my life completely?

- Do i ignore her unless she wants to talk about fixing our relationship?

- Do i stay passive in communication and only reply minimally and keep busy / unavailable most of the time?

- Do i treat her as a normal female friend as i described?

- Do i keep behaving towards her like i did before the break?

 

A combination of 1 and 2: You block her and remove her completely from your life unless she wants to try and get back with you in a serious note (RS-wise, NOT friendzone-wise).

[DutchValhallaViking]

She broke up with you for "selfish" reasons (as should be), time you do the same.

 

A combination of 1 and 2: You block her and remove her completely from your life unless she wants to try and get back with you in a serious note (RS-wise, NOT friendzone-wise).

 

Yes, once she hooks up it's 100% definately over. Why am i in full agreement? Because in my weird mind it suddenly brands her as 'defiled' once she gets intimate with someone else.

 

You do make sense proff, thanks for the info.

Personally i find a combo between 2 and 3 the best solution. I'll have to think about it.

[DutchValhallaViking]

"Son, you clearly don't know how chicks think." Haha, Funny, i am quite naive at times, stubborn and perhaps even a fool. But i have had to let girls go dozens of times. Going no-contact certainly was the right choice in those and the one i picked most of the time. Only 3 times did i get persuaded to stay friends. But in all 3 cases the girls clearly stated they no longer loved me or didnt feel attracted to me, and the contact faded from their side as much as from my side.

 

This however, seems different. She feels she's unable to continue the relationship out of guilt and fear i am giving up more than she's worth. This morning she mentioned she still loves me and missed me quite a lot the past 10 days since she called for a break.

 

If it was a case of her just not being interested anymore, or too pissed off because of the pics incident, she certainly would tell me. And i would just give up and go NC. I am not ruling out the possibility she's playing marytr to feel better about breaking up over unstated reasons but it would be highly unlikely.

(1,5 year ago she lied about something quite minor because she was afraid of losing me. She eventually confessed even though i would never have found out. She was just feeling too guilty and thought she was terrible GF and wanted a break, which lasted 2-3 weeks till she missed being my GF too much. The lie was about something in her past btw, something a guy once freaked out over, but i didnt mind much. )

 

Personally, i think focussing on my hobbies, my body and job to make myself less available and improve myself is the best option. And keep the communication pleasant but passive and limited, so i'm not chasing her but still make it possible to talk about fixing it when the subject comes up and allowing her the 'joy' of missing me.

 

If she does indeed pull away further, i'll be better able to cut my losses and find someone else easier than if i was full blown friends with her. Basically similiar like Proff X suggested. I am confident i can do this without risking too much to myself.

Edited August 5, 2011 by DutchValhallaViking

[babyygirllhi]

I would not be happy. You can meet people, but to talk online to a friend of a friend that you add on msn... come on, seriously?

 

You knw the answer to this ..

[DutchValhallaViking]

I would not be happy. You can meet people, but to talk online to a friend of a friend that you add on msn... come on, seriously?

 

You knw the answer to this ..

 

The talking part she was fine with, even sending pictures. Just not the kind of pictures this girl sent me. (From a underwear photoshoot)

 

Ironically, she is using one of those pictures as Facebook profile picture right now. So now hundreds of guys see the same thing.

[DutchValhallaViking]

I have been keeping the contact passive the past days. So far i manage to keep it up (Or should i say, keep it down. ).

 

That girl that sent me the pictures wanted to talk to my (ex)GF because she felt bad about it and so they had a little chat.

The details elude me but appearantly the girl told my (ex)GF i often mentioned her and that it was obvious i love her, my (ex)GF, very much, to which my (ex)GF responded with a "Yeah i know, i love him more". They seemed to get along quite nicely and my (ex)GF mentioned she's not angry at the girl....just at me...*gulps*.

 

After that talk my (ex)GF seemed to feel better and asked if we could spend some time doing fun stuff together, which we did. She seemed more affectionate and friendly though she's still a bit angry at me over the pictures thing.

 

I told her i will not bring up the break or her reasons for needing this break for the coming week so she can think about it in peace. She mentioned she already thinks about my counter-arguments every day.

 

I continue the passive approach for now, i got some hobbies i want to dive into now that i have time for them. She needs to figure out what the heck she wants, though her lightened mood and show of affection/desire for me could be positive...or it could be nothing. Time will tell.

 

(I say (ex)GF insted of ex, or GF, because it's all in 'limbo' atm. Last night she referred to it as a break, rather than us having broken up already.

[thatone]

it's a break while she goes and picks up one of the aforementioned guys in bars that she talked about.

 

the reason it was so traumatic to her was because she has concocted a perfect fantasy for herself where she can be inappropriate with other men, but always rely on you to be there when she wants to shrug them off.

 

if you do the same thing she does her fantasy falls apart.

[rafallus]

it's a break while she goes and picks up one of the aforementioned guys in bars that she talked about.

 

the reason it was so traumatic to her was because she has concocted a perfect fantasy for herself where she can be inappropriate with other men, but always rely on you to be there when she wants to shrug them off.

 

if you do the same thing she does her fantasy falls apart.

 

I think that's spot on.

[DutchValhallaViking]

it's a break while she goes and picks up one of the aforementioned guys in bars that she talked about.

 

Perhaps, though it would seem odd that she hasnt been out once since she called the break two weeks ago.

 

She's a bit of a hypocrite sometimes, something she admits being, and it's very well possible she enjoyed having me be appropriate and her being the only girl interact with, while she can enjoy the attention of other guys.

 

Her comments that she liked how 7 guys were competing over her and how she teased them a little before shooting them down, the day before i got offered the pictures, very likely influenced me in some way to agree to the pictures. And next time we talk about this subject i will certainly bring it up.

[Aieon]

That may be true, but what the OP needs to understand is that for many, if not most women, what he did would be a dump-worthy offense regardless of whether she was a smitten kitten or looking for an out.

 

You have got. To be kidding. Me.

 

What "he did" is dumpworthy? What did he DO?! The action that freaked her out was what THE OTHER GIRL DID, not what HE did! You think "doing everything right" is dumpworthy to "most women?" I know I'm an oddball in many ways, but if that's true, our society is more ****ed up than I've even begun to imagine. The only "crime" this guy committed seems to be not being 100% scrupulous AT ALL TIMES to prevent ANY possible chance of receiving anything remotely resembling a flirtatious message. He rejected the advance, he went to his GF at once and was completely honest about it, and you still think he deserves dumping for it?

 

What kind of insane Bizzarro-logic is this, StarGazer?! Do you assume if "photoswapping" is involved, it must be about sex? (Remind me never to send out my vacation photos...) Or are you saying that if he got flirted at, he MUST have done something to invite it?

 

Personally, though, I have a HUGE pet peeve for anyone being defensive when they're in the wrong. The OP knew he was wrong, but he wanted to go defensive and quibble on "how wrong" he is. ...I think the only thing that might make it dump-worthy is his defensive attitude towards it. It would make me think he wasn't sorry at all.

 

You're right. If I jaywalk, and then voluntarily turn myself in for it, and am then charged with Grand Larceny, I have no reason to be defensive. I should "take the consequences" and deal. Because calling it an overreaction might make people think I wasn't sorry at all for jaywalking....

 

 

Dude, don't listen to these people. Seriously.

 

Her comment during the break up that i could easily get someone that's 95% like her but close to my home kinda makes me think insecurity and self esteem cannot be completely ruled out of her reaction.

 

That said, 100% my fault this situation happened, not the girl, not my ex-GF.

 

I just read the transcript you posted, and believe me--you didn't do anything wrong except be a little naive (NOT a dumpworthy offense, btw). I just briefly scanned the last 3 pages of this thread so I may have missed some current details, but I've run out of time so I'm going to post what I have already...

 

Not only can insecurity and self esteem "not be completely ruled out of her reaction," it's blindingly obvious your GF has a severe issue here that your very minor mistake triggered. She IS overreacting...but NOT out of anger at you. She is overreacting because of her own fear. This is not your fault.

 

That you still want to get back with her is incredibly admirable. If you want it, my best advice to you (as someone who's insecure herself) is to tell your GF something like "I'm not giving up on you. I love you and I'm not going to let anyone tell you you're not 'good enough' for me--not even you. As far as I'm concerned, you breaking up with me doesn't count--unless it's because you don't love me anymore. Any other reason is not good enough. As for me not loving you, it's not going to happen, so you're going to have to get used to it."

 

If I'm right about her insecurity, she won't want to believe it (she's AFRAID to believe it) but just keep telling her you love her and she's so wonderful she's worth the risk of loving. If her problem is what "thatone" said, having a perfect little fantasy, that won't help...but insecurity can be overcome.

 

 

If you guys get back together, then later you can talk with her about maybe getting some therapy for self-esteem issues, perhaps even relationship counseling. You can support and encourage her, but ultimately, the insecurity issue is hers, and she is going to have to be the one to deal with it. Just keep telling her how you feel and how much you value her--but I'd advise you NOT to accept the "just friends" deal any longer. She's kidding herself about it, and going along with it would just be enabling her insecurity.

 

And bless you for being as sweet as you are. Not only are you not a douchebag, you're a rare and wonderful man. (Do you have a doppleganger who's twice your age? No? Ah, well. )

[torn_curtain]

But i have had to let girls go dozens of times.

 

Wow. It sounds like you have a problem of constantly being the dumpee. Why do you think that is? What usually leads to the girl losing interest?

[DutchValhallaViking]

@ Torn_Curtain: Well i was exaggerating perhaps, but i had to let go of or got rejected by about a dozen girls who i had feelings for. None as strong as how i feel for this girl though.

But yeah i have always been the dumpee or rejected one, a combination of "lets just stay friends", "its not you it's me", "i love you like a brother", "im in love with someone else", "my feelings for you faded", "you're not my type", "i cheated on you" and now added to that list: "you can get someone better more easily".

 

Nothing really specific i could point out, though the "lets just stay friends" one i heard the most, and also hurts the most.

 

@Aieon: Thank you for the kind words. Though i am not sure if you read the part where i was warned that the pictures were from an underwear shoot. Mind you i had to translate the transcript to english so the exact wording was different. I should have thought it through a bit better, though it was more accidental and being naive than bad intent.

 

As for saying those things you mentioned, i told her those kind of things quite a few times since the break. Telling her she's worth waiting for, and if she feels i am special (which she confirmed) then she knows what that is like because i feel the exact same thing for her.

That i could have gotten other girls locally the past 3 years, but that i CHOOSE her, because she's special to me. Reassuring her that giving up my life and job here and moving to be with her is only going to be hard/tricky for a few months at first but very much so worth it.

Telling her that i believe she can overcome her phobia (which has been the main reason for her delaying me in moving to her city, as she's scared she might be unable to come live in with me and help make the transition easier.) and that i am patiently waiting till the day comes when she's ready, and even if she isnt, i can still move close to her while she keeps living at her parent's house and slowly make the transition to living in with me.

 

There has been little change the past days. Though she seems to talk a bit more again and seems to slowly feel a little better in general, though no change in how she feels about the break, or her reasons for wanting one.

Edited August 9, 2011 by DutchValhallaViking

[Aieon]

@Aieon: Thank you for the kind words. Though i am not sure if you read the part where i was warned that the pictures were from an underwear shoot. Mind you i had to translate the transcript to english so the exact wording was different. I should have thought it through a bit better, though it was more accidental and being naive than bad intent.

 

No, I read that. Allowing for differences in language, it looked to me like the "underwear" part of that was easy to overlook. The conversation was concerned with the photos, not the subject matter, and the girl mentioned it very matter-of-factly, like it was any other subject. It didn't seem at all like flirting.

 

As for saying those things you mentioned, i told her those kind of things quite a few times since the break...[snip much sweet stuff] ...and that i am patiently waiting till the day comes when she's ready, and even if she isnt, i can still move close to her while she keeps living at her parent's house and slowly make the transition to living in with me.

 

You're really quite amazingly cool.

 

There has been little change the past days. Though she seems to talk a bit more again and seems to slowly feel a little better in general, though no change in how she feels about the break, or her reasons for wanting one.

 

Poor girl...I wish I could tell her that the withdrawing tactic never works...it sound like she's running for her "safe zone" which is almost certainly not actually "safe," and even if it were, not worth the cost of being there. Fear like that is almost always far worse to endure than the actual thing you're afraid of. She probably thinks she's weak, but if she's survived twenty-one years of insecurity as bad bad as it sound, she has tremendous strength inside. Tell her that, at least, if she'll listen. If she could just redirect that strength to facing the fears instead of just suffering them, she'd find it's SO much better on the other side of them that she would hardly be able to believe it.

 

I hate to mention, but just in case...you're sure she's not under any sort of coercion, right? It sound like she's been subjected to emotional abuse at least--I really hope that's all it is.

 

Best of luck to both of you. Ultimately she has to help herself out of this dead-end way of thinking, but it sounds like you're doing all you can to help her. My blessings on you both.

[DutchValhallaViking]

 

You're really quite amazingly cool.

 

I hate to mention, but just in case...you're sure she's not under any sort of coercion, right? It sound like she's been subjected to emotional abuse at least--I really hope that's all it is.

 

Thanks again

 

She sadly has been subjected to emotional (and physical) abuse in her childhood and teenage period. However she has become a lot stronger the past 3 years. She used to be extremely fragile and someone being mean to her would usually result in her running to me crying for help.

Nowadays, she just gives said person an earful and if some random guy pinches her bum, insted of seeing her walk away crying, said guy can expect half his face being slapped off of his skull by her.

 

A month or two ago i told her how proud i am of her getting stronger, and she's proud of it herself, stating our relationship was a big cause of her getting stronger.

 

Interestingly, she said in the past that a person is "only weak if he or she says he's weak". When a few months later she considered herself weak, i reminded her of her own words and she immediately went "owh...you're right, silly me" and cheered up.

 

Maybe i should tell her people are only not worth it if they say they are not worth it. though that might be quite risky as it can backfire.

 

I did ask her last night, quite unexpectatly, if she feels i have been worth it the past 3 years. When she replied with a "of course" i followed up with a "well so are you". The suprised look on her face was priceless.

[DutchValhallaViking]

Well i tried again to talk to her again and tell her i miss having her as my GF. She said she knows, and when asked she admitted she misses being my GF.

 

Other than that i got 0 response from her when i talked about how i am old enough to decide what makes me happy, and pretty much the stuff Aieon mentioned earlier.

 

After not getting any replies, i asked if she even wanted to talk about it at the moment, she said no.

 

Not sure anymore if i should keep trying to convince her, or just pull back and let her miss me.

 

Oddly enough, the past week or so she did seem interested in (cyber)sex with me, even today. I gave in to that earlier this week but i am not sure if that's a smart thing to do.

[Aieon]

Well, it sound like things are getting a little better. She still has some major issue with even discussing things, it appears...that makes it hard to resolve them, but some people DO need time to process.

 

I would suggest (although I must caution you: take this advice with a grain of salt--I've never actually used it, but it's based on how I felt/how I wanted to be treated when I was in similar straits as your GF (you know, when dinosaurs ruled the Earth and all) so while it's not based on nothing, it might be...er...less than objective, and perhaps overly based on my personality, which is (as I've said) sometimes rather odd. Also, I'm (obviously) working on limited data here, so I may have the wrong impression entirely. But just in case it's close enough, I'll go ahead and mention it)...

 

Um. Where was I? Oh yeah, giving possibly useless advice. Anyway....

 

I'd say that now would be a good time to back off a little, to not press her...my gut feeling would be to tell you to interact with her as you used to (except for the directly romantic stuff) to give her some breathing room... I'd also think it would be best to follow her lead regarding the cybersex (again a caveat: I've never had cybersex myself ( ), but it seems to me that any "sexy" interaction she's willing to engage in is a step in the right direction. If someone out there knows different from experience, please chime in....).

 

In a few days, ask her gently if she thinks she might be ready to talk about it yet...if she still says "no" (or if she seems so uncomfortable that you don't want to ask her that directly) ask her if she's willing to talk about talking about it. In other words, see if she'll talk about what she feels about talking...you might try asking something like "Would it be okay to ask, what does it feel like when you think about talking about it?"

 

If she doesn't know what you mean (or doesn't know exactly what she's feeling), then you can (and this advice I HAVE had experience with, and gotten good results from) ask her to just describe the physical sensations she gets from the emotions...like, does she get a pain in the stomach, a tightness in the chest, a pressure in her throat? Does it feel warm or cool, tingly or sharp, solid or jittery?

 

See (and ignore me if this is blindingly obvious), approaching feelings like that--just observing them, looking at how they make you feel (rather than just feeling/reacting to them)--is one way a person can put some distance between themself and their feelings (and trust me, those huge and overwhelming feelings are something you WANT to get distance from) so they can try to figure out where they (the emotions) are "coming from" and figure out better ways to deal with them. Scary things seem less scary, the farther away you are when you look at them.

 

Another distancing thing (if the feelings start to get too much for her) is to ask her some oddball questions like, "what color is the feeling?" or "if it had a name, what would it be?" or "if it was an animal/TV character/work of art, who/what do you think it would resemble?" A lot of time, people with big insecurities and fears are used to avoiding them (who wouldn't? they suck!), and thinking about them in unusual ways is a way to make it easier to deal with them.

 

If she doesn't want to do any of that or gets upset, reassure her that she's just looking, and she can stop anytime (including now, if she wants), and you'll be there (online, or however you guys interact) to help her or comfort her or cheer her up (obviously, you only want to start something like this when you have time available to use if it's needed).

 

If she's willing to do any of this, all you have to do is listen and be supportive and non-judgemental. If she's not, then wait a few days or a week (or whatever feels best), then gently ask again, even if you only ask about her feelings about thinking about talking...or even just her feelings about her feelings about thinking about talking.

 

Man, do my sentences get convoluted, or what?

 

ANYway, I didn't make up any of these "how to look at difficult feelings" things, I got them from from various sources (some from professional advisers or therapists, some from the the most helpful of the self-help books I've read (should I say they're the most "self-helpful?":laugh:), some from just regular people who seem to have wisdom about such things. There's a good deal of stuff online about such things, so if any of what I said doesn't seem right for you or your GF, then (of course) try something that seems more fitting. But, as I said, I got good results from most of the later suggestions above, so they might help.

 

Again, good luck and many blessings to you both!

[DutchValhallaViking]

Thanks for the long and supportive reply Aieon.

 

Last night i had a talk with her similiar to how you described. And the things she said seem to indicate nearly all these reasons for wanting a break can be traced back to a very specific and extreme phobia.

 

Now a little history about my GF. As i might have mentioned her abusive history has given her numerous phobias, including one that has so far held back our relationship from becoming more than a LDR with a about one or two weekends of visiting each other every month or so.

This is because she simply gets huge panic attacks when she lives anywhere but in what she mentally sees as her own house (she lives with her brother and father). Going on a vacation or staying over for a few nights is fine, but as soon as she gets the thought "i am going to be living here some day", she gets a crippling panic attack far worse than i have ever seen anyone have. (I have seen one of those when she tried living abroad for her university course. It makes you feel so sorry for the poor thing. )

 

The reason? When she was in her early teens she was forced to live with her grandfather for a few years. And during this time she was raped in her bedroom by her uncle. Appearantly she didnt remember any of this, and it was her uncle who came forward with this. She still has no recollection of that night at all (Btw, all of this was confirmed by her dad when i had a private chat with him during one of my visits. Needless to say it was shocking to hear but she has been able to live a pretty normal life and has gotten stronger every year.).

 

She feels she will not be able to ever live with someone else and therefor is just wasting my time, it might be it's too risky to let me move to her country only to find out she's unable to come live with me. (And even trying it for a few days will mentally be connected to "living permantently here in the future", invoking the same reaction)

 

She is on medication to reduce her general anxiety level, and has been on this the past years since she asked the doctor for help with her phobias. Now it turns out she never specifically asked her doctor for help in getting "over the hump" with spending the first night in our future house. She is 95% convinced that if she manages to stay over a few nights without panicking she will be able to overcome it. But the fear of getting a huge panic attack is paralysing her from trying or risking it.

 

Now i asked her if she does feel it's possible to ask her doctor for help specifically for this, and she feels she can probably manage to try that.

 

I heard that sometimes people with extreme phobias (such as flying) may recieve limited emergency valium-related medication that will prevent panic attacks from occuring. These might be just what she needs to get some hope and confidence that she can live a normal life with me.

 

Also, the (cyber)sex has always meant a lot to her and we treat it with the same importance as real sex and her sexdrive has shot up drastically. That combined with her admission last night that she misses being my GF, leads me to believe she might be compensating lack of the usual affection with sex.

[Aieon]

Sound like progress is being made, I'm glad.

 

Phobias are hard, but I think she's right...if she can manage a few days she'll be able to cope, too, since it's almost certain that what her panic is trying to protect her from (in that way our subconscious does) is the memory of what happened and the emotions that go with it--what has to be some major pain, grief, helplessness, and rage at her grandfather (the scum-sucking flatworm, pardon me for saying)--as well as (of course) the possibility of being attacked away from home again. Since her fear is most likely not "about" having a new home itself (and certainly not about you) I'd say her chances of being able to extend her concept of "home that's safe" to her new home with you are very good.

 

One thing to remind her of: phobias are one of the most treatable problems it's possible to have. There have been effective phobia treatments since almost the birth of psychology, and there are even more possible ways to overcome them now, most of the new ones concentrating on keeping the fear level as far down as possible during treatment.

 

Phobias can even be "tricked" in a way...ask her, what if the two of you spend your first night together in a new home staying up all night playing videogames or talking with friends or something? Does her fear go down enough to sleep after it's day again? Or what if (if at all possible) her father and brother took a short trip and you two could stay together in her family home (which would then let her associate you with her feeling of safety) for a few days? If they wouldn't be cooperative, maybe they could "win" two free tickets to see their favorite sports team at an out-of-town game, or a long weekend at a fishing cabin or something.... (Start saving up now if you think a ploy like that might work. )

 

...but I digress. My point is that phobias feel pretty scary, but they're easier to beat than most other problems. There's the traditional treatment of gradual desensitization, of course, and drug therapies, but there's a lot of other good approaches available now (and you can use more than one of them at the same time), like acupressure points you can tap when you feel panic coming on; hypnosis or self-hypnosis; visualization and meditation, things like that...plus of course many support groups, either online or in RL. Phobias are very, very beatable; don't let her forget that.

 

...and I just managed to type another essay-length post. I am the queen of TL;DR. I need to stop running off at the mouth (or, well, at the keyboard) so much. I didn't mean to, I just stumbled across this thread the other day, and couldn't believe the way people were treating you--automatically assuming you must be at fault somehow, despite the fact that you did exactly the right thing the minute the communication turned questionable. (Your GF has unfortunate but understandable reasons for reacting out of proportion to events...but I sincerely doubt all those folks on the forum who were "tsk-tsk"ing you have any such excuse.) Even you were blaming yourself unduly, IMHO. It just wasn't right, and I had to say something. (And then I never stopped... )

 

Once again, I bid you and your GF the best of luck and sincere blessings. You're a good man, DutchValhallaViking, 100% free of any douchebaggery. May you and your beloved find all happiness possible, and long lives to enjoy it in together.

Edited August 12, 2011 by Aieon

[evry1luvzaazngrl]

I don't think your girlfriend is overreacting. My ex of 5 years used to make a lot of female friends easily and I was jealous. I made male friends easily and Facebook chatting just made it easier. Although it was completely platonic on my part, these guys always had some kind of attraction (most of them) but most respected my relationship. I think it'd be different if there were feelings and attraction growing. If it's there and you feel it growing it's best to leave instead of let it grow and get out of hand.

 

I think there should be boundaries set. I think that the girl you talked to was out of line for sending half naked pics and it was fishy. If I were you I'd try to talk to your girlfriend, communicate, compromise, and next time think of how you'd feel if she was doing what you're doing.

[DutchValhallaViking]

I don't think your girlfriend is overreacting. My ex of 5 years used to make a lot of female friends easily and I was jealous. I made male friends easily and Facebook chatting just made it easier. Although it was completely platonic on my part, these guys always had some kind of attraction (most of them) but most respected my relationship. I think it'd be different if there were feelings and attraction growing. If it's there and you feel it growing it's best to leave instead of let it grow and get out of hand.

 

I think there should be boundaries set. I think that the girl you talked to was out of line for sending half naked pics and it was fishy. If I were you I'd try to talk to your girlfriend, communicate, compromise, and next time think of how you'd feel if she was doing what you're doing.

 

Thank you for your reply but did you only read the first post i made?

 

EDIT: Because this thread is getting too long and i have a better view of the what and why, i will stop posting in this one.

I will make a new thread about my girlfriend's phobias and her loss of confidence that she can overcome them, causing her to believe it is not possible to move up the relationship.

Edited August 12, 2011 by DutchValhallaViking

[Professor X]

hobias and her loss of confidence that she can overcome them, causing her to believe it is not possible to move up the relationship.

 

Ummm, how about you don't do it?

1. It's not a psych forum.

2. It's her life, not yours, I don't think you have the right to come and tell us about her phobias and what not, and quite frankly your story gets old.

 

You are beating a dead horse and it becomes quite disturbing to say the least.

I am starting to doubt if you even been to a RS before considering that you're trying to rationalize the breakup (when talking about an unstable person) as well as trying to manipulate your way in with words and logic (which is just not how women work).

[DutchValhallaViking]

Ummm, how about you don't do it?

1. It's not a psych forum.

2. It's her life, not yours, I don't think you have the right to come and tell us about her phobias and what not, and quite frankly your story gets old.

 

You are beating a dead horse and it becomes quite disturbing to say the least.

I am starting to doubt if you even been to a RS before considering that you're trying to rationalize the breakup (when talking about an unstable person) as well as trying to manipulate your way in with words and logic (which is just not how women work).

 

Well sorry if it gets old and if i seem to be "beating a dead horse", and sorry if the truth is disturbing 'to say the least'.

 

And with RS you mean relationship? I had those before. I dont know why you are doubting that.

 

And yeah i am rationalizing the break we are on. Mind you it is a break, not a break up (yet). And even if she's unstable atm, there must be a reason or logic behind how she feels. If she has told me herself that she hopes she, or i, can change how she feels, then i am not doing anything wrong by trying to find solutions.

 

Why should i just give up if the past 3 years have been very lovely and her mental issues have not been a problem before? Browsing these forums, i am saddened by how quickly people get told to just "give up and move on" whenever their SO seems to have an issue or two which might be worked out. Whatever happened to fighting for each other and the "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" stuff? But perhaps i am a hopeless romantic.

 

Yeah it's not a psych forum but it could have been someone here would be able to offer some insight anyway, and i dont mention her name or whatever so there is no harm in me telling about her phobias.

 

And if my story gets old, well you dont have to frigging reply or read it do you? But i dont want this to turn into a flamefest. So i'll move my RS issues elsewhere.

 

Goodbye people, thanks for the replies.

Edited August 12, 2011 by DutchValhallaViking