Am i a douchebag or is she overreacting?

[ChessPieceFace]

What do you mean? I am not allowed to talk to and meet new people? My ex-GF did it all the time. She has dozens of male friends and meets new ones every time she goes out clubbing.

 

Hell, the day before i met this new girl my then GF told me she enjoyed teasing guys at the club until 7 of them were competing over her, saying she enjoyed the confidence boost and attention.

 

Your ex was trash. You're lucky it's over. Don't listen to the feminazis on here. You did nothing wrong, you felt wrong about what happened then got punished for being honest. Meanwhile, your ex was proud of acting like a slut.

 

Either she was yet another western woman with major entitlement issues, or she was projecting her own intention to be disloyal onto you. Move on. Maybe give "underwear girl" a try, she's obviously into you.

[DutchValhallaViking]

Your ex was trash. You're lucky it's over. Don't listen to the feminazis on here. You did nothing wrong, you felt wrong about what happened then got punished for being honest. Meanwhile, your ex was proud of acting like a slut.

 

Either she was yet another western woman with major entitlement issues, or she was projecting her own intention to be disloyal onto you. Move on. Maybe give "underwear girl" a try, she's obviously into you.

 

Seems to be the catchphraise of this forum lately lol.

 

As for 'underwear girl', she's a great girl though our only intentions so far have been to be friends. If i was single at the time of meeting her, i probably would have asked her out though.

[Aieon]

Just dropped in to see if anything got added here...boy, the replies on this thread seem to be awfully polarized. It's either all your fault, or all your gf's fault...no middle ground. It's like everyone is looking for a scapegoat to hurl invective at.

 

Hope you're doing okay, DVV. I'm sorry to hear that your gf is still determined to stay split up. I agree that a three-year relationship deserves more dedication in rough times than just "jumping 'ship." It's to your credit that you're sticking with her even when she's in the wrong - I really hope she realizes what a gift she has in you.

 

 

ChessPieceFace: I don't know if you read far enough to see my posts, but I was just about the first one on this thread to tell DVV he didn't do anything wrong...and I'm a feminist, and a very Western woman. I was absolutely appalled at the way everyone seemed to assume he was in the wrong...so clearly it's neither feminism nor Westernization that's the problem here.

 

For the record, I think it's people "taking sides" that's the problem - blindly supporting the "side" they identify with and assigning all guilt to the opposite side. That's a syndrome that happens everywhere, wherever "sides" are drawn in any issue.

 

Just because a lot of people seem to be doing it based on gender here does NOT mean they're feminists - feminism is about women being equal as human beings, which means women have just as much responsibility to be reasonable and fair as anyone else. Feminism is NOT about "taking women's side, right or wrong" (no matter what some anti-feminists might say); it's about judging people by their words and their actions, not their body parts or hormone mix.

 

DVV's gf was totally in the wrong here - I can sympathize with her because my impression is she's insecure and afraid (rather than, say, malicious or manipulative), but she's still wrong, and DVV is, as far as I can tell, blameless (and I don't say that lightly - in my view, most conflicts have blame on both sides, but any small fault of DVV's was entirely made up for by his immediate and forthright honesty about the whole thing).

[DutchValhallaViking]

Just decided to pop in because i got curious how many flames i got this time.

 

Thanks again for the kind words Aieon. As i think i said before, i think i am to blame for not being more careful, and my GF is to blame for taking this oppertunity to unleash some self-guilt and doubt she's been building up over the past year. I am not a douchebag, but i am silly for accepting the pictures. My girlfriend isnt overreacting, but has clearly been dealing with a guilt trip in this relationship for the past year, and this was appearantly the last push she needed to decide she's not special and not worth all the effort.

 

It's been about a month now, and people, i shouldnt have made this thread the way i did. The very title itself is a clear division between "her side" and "my side". And that was a mistake.

 

We both are still in daily contact, with about 50/50% division in who initiates it. In a nutshell it can be described as 'friends-with-benefits-and-in-love'. We spend time talking or doing things together but alot less than before, we both have expressed that we still love each other (and not just as friends) and that we both feel hurt by the break up and missing being BF/GF. But resuming the relationship is currently out of the question until she changes her mind.

 

She asked me to not try to convince her to be my GF again for a while as i have done the past weeks, because she feels she hasnt gotten a proper break yet and that i am beating her around the head with fancy words and solutions she currently isnt capable of believing.

 

She still feels she's not special and not worth the effort when i can appearantly 'get' a girl closer to home and without the issues she has and therefor would be better off. And she's feeling bad about the breakup etc.

 

Now that i think about it, the level of affection has risen quite a bit the past week or so, especially the past few days. Though that is likely the result of her period, which has a 50% chance of making her adorable...and 50% chance of turning her into a man-slaying-monster. Still, it maybe positive to see she comes to me for comfort, affection and intimacy and firmly declines all offers for dating by other guys.

Edited August 29, 2011 by DutchValhallaViking

[DutchValhallaViking]

Well, some good and some bad news the past week. Bad news is that the situation is still largely the same, and that most of the affection dropped off after her period ended, though it still pops up now and then so it's overall still a little better than since the break-up.

 

The good news is that about a day after my previous post she actually approached me and asked if we could talk about us. This caught me off-guard and i wasnt prepared but we talked a little about how she felt and why she's special to me. The talk itself didnt lead to her feeling any better about it, but it did give me a bit more insight in her point of view. If i was struggling with the distance and sending certain pictures dispite wishing i could, and some other guy comes along and offers her pictures of himself in his boxer shorts, while i am not comfortable doing the same...well id be pretty upset about her accepting the pictures.

 

I figured that perhaps she pulled a "dump him before he leaves me" move on me after percieving a threat in this girl that sent pictures, or other girls i might meet.

 

Earlier this week while we were chatting online she, highly uncharactaristicly for her, asked me if i was talking to anyone else. Since she lacks being subtle i knew right away what she was after and i detailed the interaction i had the past week with the girl who sent the pictures. She admitted that was indeed who she was referring to when she said "talking to anyone".

 

I asked her if she would like to be kept 'in the loop' about my interaction with this girl and other girls and she confirmed this. I figure the best way to show her no girl is a threat to her is to share my dealings with girls. Afterall, i got nothing to hide.

 

The key difference between this particular girl and other girls who i was friends with and just talked with is that this girl offered me something that normally only my GF would be allowed to offer (IE: underwear pics), and i accepted that offer. Of course it's not as black and white as that but knowing her, she can think pretty black/white in these kind of things.

 

For her, me accepting that offer probably means i am vulnerable to being seduced, getting tired/bored with her or accepting other offers from girls.

 

Last night i asked her for a small chat about this again and she agreed, though with reluctance. I told her about the things i just wrote about, and when i asked if she did indeed fear/worry that i might leave her for whatever reason, or be stolen from her she responded with "yeah, i guess that was obvious."

 

I told her the only threat to her losing me is her pushing me away and breaking up with me out of fear i might leave her, and that my actions and words show she's special and that no girl is a threat to her. But that i have been in her position multiple times and know how devastating it is to feel that the person you love the most might meet someone "better" some day and leave you for him/her. She did not comment on this.

 

It's not significant, but i believe a bit of progress has been made the past weeks. Sadly, some days like tonight she seems friendly, but distant and prefers spending time with others, and unwilling to show any feelings etc. But i suppose that's logical in a break / break-up, even if both partners still love each other.

 

So the bottom line is that her breaking up with me seemingly has less to do with guilt over "dragging me to another country" etc, and mainly is a pre-emptive measure in response to a threat she's imagining.

[rafallus]

I don't know. This whole thing seems ego-based and not "I care about you" based to me. I wouldn't last very long in it, probably.

[SierraRose]

The internet is an adult playground. If it looks like a rat, smalls like a rat & squeeks like a rat? Hummm... I have heard stories like this one way too often. It's no wonder why people have serious trust issues...

[Disenchantedly Yours]

DutchValhallaViking a good rule of thumb in life is that when you're getting read to do something you feel is questionable to your relationship, ask yourself how you would feel if you were in your girlfriend's position. If she was talking to men and looking at sexy pictures of them or if she was sharing sexy pictures of herself with other "friends".

 

Ugg I hate Facebook.

[DutchValhallaViking]

DutchValhallaViking a good rule of thumb in life is that when you're getting read to do something you feel is questionable to your relationship, ask yourself how you would feel if you were in your girlfriend's position. If she was talking to men and looking at sexy pictures of them or if she was sharing sexy pictures of herself with other "friends".

 

Ugg I hate Facebook.

 

True, i would be upset and angry, i sadly 'acted before thinking' so to speak.

 

I was busy with lots of things, had lots of stuff on my mind, got offered something, wasnt thinking clearly, accepted it, 5-15 seconds later saw what exactly i was being offered, and realised it was a mistake.

And so i told my GF about it, and she now seems to feel as though she's just another girl, not special, and that i might leave her for this girl or another girl that might be "easier" or "better".

 

And i have no idea if i should be supportive for her to show there is no threat, or pissed off at her for breaking up over imagined threats.

 

@rafallus: Do you mean her ego, or mine?

[dispatch3d]

Aieon gives some damn good advice. Another one I've heard is put these thoughts into a package (label it if you want), then send them out onto a conveyer belt.

 

I've also said myself, when someone has a problem with me, they should write it down on a piece of paper so that I can put it in a bottle and throw it out to sea. Then one day maybe someone who gives a damn will pick it up and give a ****. Haha maybe that's not nice, I don't know. I know I don't appreciate people causing **** in my life though.

 

fwiw I recognize some of the stuff Aieon is doing there. It is a combination of different sources. Some cognitive bias stuff, some reframing stuff, viewing the emotions different is neat as well. Anyhow, gl in the future guy!

[Ihateboys]

She's not over reacting, you're a prick. Imagine if a guy was sending photos to her in his boxers and she was showing him pictures of her. You can't have thought that was innocent, unless you perve over all your friends. Is this really something you would do with any friend?

[DutchValhallaViking]

She's not over reacting, you're a prick. Imagine if a guy was sending photos to her in his boxers and she was showing him pictures of her. You can't have thought that was innocent, unless you perve over all your friends. Is this really something you would do with any friend?

 

I see you're living up to your name...

 

And friends sending me pictures is something i do with any friend. Underwear pictures however i would not do with friends, though i guess you conveniently skipped over the circumstances, and probably also didnt read the transcript of the conversation in which i accepted the pictures, not thinking or realising they were going to be of her in her underwear.

[crazylove]

The actual conversation you had with the girl and the sending of the pictures to me wouldn't be the issue here. It all seemed innocent from what i read. Yep, maybe u were a little naive, but 'professional underwear shoot' wouldn't make me think of anything dirty lol.

It would however, make me pissed off with this 'friend' for crossing the line knowing that you were in a relationship.

The thing that would really bother me though, is the fact that you still continue to talk to this other girl, knowing how uncomfortable it made your girlfriend feel. To me, this is damaging your 'relationship' more, and if you do really want to get back with this girl, I'd suggest cutting off ties with your 'friend', who quite honestly sounds like she's using guys like you for an ego trip.

Just my opinion:)

[DutchValhallaViking]

The actual conversation you had with the girl and the sending of the pictures to me wouldn't be the issue here. It all seemed innocent from what i read. Yep, maybe u were a little naive, but 'professional underwear shoot' wouldn't make me think of anything dirty lol.

It would however, make me pissed off with this 'friend' for crossing the line knowing that you were in a relationship.

The thing that would really bother me though, is the fact that you still continue to talk to this other girl, knowing how uncomfortable it made your girlfriend feel. To me, this is damaging your 'relationship' more, and if you do really want to get back with this girl, I'd suggest cutting off ties with your 'friend', who quite honestly sounds like she's using guys like you for an ego trip.

Just my opinion:)

 

Yeah been thinking about breaking contact with this girl. Mind you, 'contact' with her the past month has been maybe 10 minutes of talking on MSN per week. So there hardly was any contact anyway.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

True, i would be upset and angry, i sadly 'acted before thinking' so to speak.

 

I was busy with lots of things, had lots of stuff on my mind, got offered something, wasnt thinking clearly, accepted it, 5-15 seconds later saw what exactly i was being offered, and realised it was a mistake.

And so i told my GF about it, and she now seems to feel as though she's just another girl, not special, and that i might leave her for this girl or another girl that might be "easier" or "better".

 

 

I give you a ton of credit for being honest and telling her what happenend when you didn't have to.

 

But just because you were honest and told her doesn't negate that it happened in the first place. A lot of people mistakeningly think that if they are honest about a situation (and honesty is a great trait), that that alone should cancel out the actual action. And the person they are being honest with will be all smiles and light because of the honesty itself. But she still has feelings she needs to work through.

 

She doesn't feel special right now with you. Basically what she is saying is that you rocked the relationship a little bit and she doesn't feel secure in it. Which is natural because wouldn't you feel the same way if she was sharing sexy pictures of herself with other boys? Once you open the door to those questions you can't close it right back up.

 

And i have no idea if i should be supportive for her to show there is no threat, or pissed off at her for breaking up over imagined threats

 

Yes, you need to be supportive and show her there is no real threat. Then you go from there. She either believes in you and wants to be back together or she doesn't. And if she doesn't then, while she might be a great girl, she just might not be the right girl for you.

 

You also need to understand that the threat to her isn't imagined. And thinking that it's an imagined threat to her is both belittling her own feelings to the situation and ignoring the fact that you did infact have a tiny little mishap.

 

And it's been my own personal experience that guys too often tend to minimize women's feelings sometimes and that's about the worst thing you could do because that's going to make her feel unheard. Even though *you* KNOW the threat isn't there. She needs a little time to see that. And you'll just need a little patience with her while she comes to a conclusion.

[DutchValhallaViking]

 

You also need to understand that the threat to her isn't imagined. And thinking that it's an imagined threat to her is both belittling her own feelings to the situation and ignoring the fact that you did infact have a tiny little mishap.

 

And it's been my own personal experience that guys too often tend to minimize women's feelings sometimes and that's about the worst thing you could do because that's going to make her feel unheard. Even though *you* KNOW the threat isn't there. She needs a little time to see that. And you'll just need a little patience with her while she comes to a conclusion.

 

True, to HER the threat seems real, i understand that. What i meant is that there is no other girl i care about, and never had any thoughts about dumping her or whatever. There was no threat, no way i would dump her.

But to her i understand it feels very real, i told her i understood this.

 

I of course never told her anything in a belittering way. And i took responsibility for my actions, and telling her about it doesnt take away the mistake, or the guilt i feel about it. But i promised i wouldnt do something like that again, and i rarely make promises, because i am extremely determined to keep such promises, so that impresses upon her how serious i am about that.

 

It's weird, last week i tried to break contact with her. I didnt know she was feeling depressed and upset about the break and other things and it made her angry and highly upset that i blocked her. So i unblocked her and was supportive of her, and for about a week she was more affectionate and interested in doing stuff together. But since last night and today she's been very distant and seemingly uninterested.

[DutchValhallaViking]

Bit of an update, a few hours ago we were talking about random things and i mentioned i was annoyed that this girl who sent me the pictures told me she did it all the time and that she felt it was harmless and would not be upset if something like that happened to her, but in a conversation with my GF she said she would also be pissed off if she had a BF who accepted those kind of pictures from another girl.....that two-faced little...grrrr!!!

 

So i mentioned i reconsidered my friendship with this girl over this and other matters. My girlfriend suprised me by saying i was wrong about the fear of losing me being a possible, or main, reason she broke up with me. And that it would matter little if i broke contact with this other girl or not.

 

Well we ended up talking about her breaking up with me a bit more and she said according to her i had shown sexual/romantic interest in this girl.

 

When i asked her when exactly i showed interest in this girl she said it was when i told her about the picture mishap and said they were 'sexy pictures'. That made me groan in pure agony as i had explained to her before how i was not referring to the looks of the girl in the picture, but the general concept of the picture, as in 'sexy pictures' is a term we have been using the past years to indicate nude or underwear pictures.

 

I pointed this out again and only got a "yea k whatever" response and she switched subjects.

 

It was a really bad choice of words to call those kind of pictures 'sexy pictures' but i did so out of habit, bad communication on my part. But judging by her dismissive response i guess she doesnt believe me...

 

I never called this girl sexy at all, ever. I only mentioned she looked good when i was asked my opinion about her. And to be honest the girl looked like she could easily pass for a proffesional underwear model, but i dont find her sexy..she's kinda erm...lacking curves, which my ex-GF has just the way i want them.

[DutchValhallaViking]

Today i started putting myself on "Busy" and not approaching her at all, and aiming to minimize contact and have an excuse for not responding to any messages she sends me, without making it seem as if i am flat out ignoring her, which would piss her off, i dont think that's positive either.

 

I think it's either that, or keep interacting with her as before and giving her reassurances and affirmation. It's hard, and scary, to determine which one would be most effective in bringing her back to me.

 

Bringing up the subject by myself is a no-no it seems. It only makes her dig her heels in further and get grumpy at me. And she doesnt believe my reasons for telling me about the pictures, or that i did not have an interest in this girl, and did not find her sexy.

 

Women, urgh! (Joking, no offense meant. )

[iJester]

Ignore her, and be obvious about it. If she brings it up, tell her that you are ignoring her, and that you are trying to move on since she doesn't trust you and doesn't want to continue the relationship. Tell her that your door is open to reconciliation, but if that's not what she wants then don't attempt to contact you anymore. Ignore any further contact that doesn't start with her asking to get back together.

 

Guarantee she can't go a week without wanting to talk about things. You just have to show her that you really are ready to walk out completely. Right now she wants know she has you still, cut the cord and start moving on...she'll come back.

Edited September 6, 2011 by iJester

[DutchValhallaViking]

Ignore her, and be obvious about it. If she brings it up, tell her that you are ignoring her, and that you are trying to move on since she doesn't trust you and doesn't want to continue the relationship. Tell her that your door is open to reconciliation, but if that's not what she wants then don't attempt to contact you anymore. Ignore any further contact that doesn't start with her asking to get back together.

 

Guarantee she can't go a week without wanting to talk about things. You just have to show her that you really are ready to walk out completely. Right now she wants know she has you still, cut the cord and start moving on...she'll come back.

 

Funny, about 1,5 week ago i did that and she got instantly upset, and pissed off that i blocked her. She approached me through other means and i unblocked her a while to let her talk. Maybe i should have stood my ground there. The subsequent days she seemed nicer and more affectionate but that coincided with her period which can make her grumpy, but also very sweet (See gentlemen? Periods arent all bad).

 

The past hours she has been sending messages i think a bit more than often once she noticed i seemed "busy" or not so keen on talking to her and asked me a few minutes ago what i am busy with.

 

Not sure if i have the spine or balls to do such a thing again. I'm usually a stubborn person that stands by his principles and actions but this is the first time in years where i feel afraid of the consequences.

[iJester]

This time, don't hide it. Just tell her, "if we're not together, I don't want to speak to you, at all." Be straight forward and direct, and force her to make a real decision, so at least you're not in limbo, constantly wondering where you stand. End it completely on her, and make her come back to you if she wants to try again. Tell her you are trying to move on, and it's unfair of her to string you along like this. No relationship, no contact, and stick to it.

[duckrepair]

But if you met her on facebook, couldn't you already see her photos? How many photos of this girl do you need ..

[DutchValhallaViking]

But if you met her on facebook, couldn't you already see her photos? How many photos of this girl do you need ..

 

I have seen her facebook profile picture and her MSN display picture yes. I didnt need to see any photos of her, and i should have told her that, but when she offered i thought "sure why not" as at the time i didnt realise the harm. Which was a mistake

 

So i am not sure if you only read the first post, the entire thread, or past few posts i made in this thread.