Girlfriend Lied, what do I do?

[a121]

This is my first post and I am totally new to this site, so please go easy.

 

I just found out some horrible news that has left me very hurt, devasted, and bestrayed.

 

My gf and I have been dating for more than a year. At the time before we started going out, I confronted her about my past that I had with any girls which was only kissing and was completely honest. She told me she was the same and that she had only kissed one or two guys. I had promised that I was still a virgin and she did the same (also includes no oral or fooling around)

 

After sometime we started going out and one day we gave each other oral. I felt somewhat different in the sense because I had never done that kind of stuff before. I wanted reassurance that she had never done any of that stuff either so I asked her and she looked at me and promised up to the point where she was willing to break up with me.

 

So everything was good and couple months later on we started having sex. After a while she confronted me that she never told me but she gave this guy head, they didn't date much or at all. When I heard this all my body went into shock, I couldn't really take it because I was so hurt and felt devastated because I felt like there was a real close connection with her. (thinking about it gets me everytime and I get weak or angry)

 

I told her everything and specifically asked her to be honest with me.

I am bascially the only close one to her (since she doesnt keep in contact with her old friends), I know that she doesnt cheat etc.

 

I never saw this coming and have been feeling very depressed. Her point of view was that she didn't want to tell me because she thought I might view her as a slut or act differently and wanted to protect me or herself.

 

What I have lost and bothers me the most is the trust and honesty I had with her. Had she been upfront with me, I may have learned to somewhat put it in the past. I feel crushed because of what she has done. I also feel angry/distrubed that another guy's dick was in her mouth. She said she was sorry about doing it and told me she cried after she actually did it (supposedly). She also indicated that she was naive or vulnerable at that time becasue she liked him too much.

 

I am really now thinking whether or not I was the first person that she has done anything with. To be honest, I am not your typical guy that has been with multiple women. Sexual intimacy is important to me on the note that it shows a connection more than just physical. If I was looking to have sex or anything else, I could have done that but I chose not to because I wanted to share with someone I felt was special. In other words I didn't let my dick control me.

 

Please be mature about the comments' I know some people might say "just get over it" or "grow up" but this really bothers me so can I please get some realisitic good replies on how to help me.

 

BTW we were almost 20 when we started dating.

[PegNosePete]

She said she was sorry about doing it and told me she cried after she actually did it (supposedly). She also indicated that she was naive or vulnerable at that time becasue she liked him too much.

Please tell me you don't believe that? It's a crock of BS, she's saying that to (try to) make you feel better. The fact is she probably liked it at the time, especially if she liked the guy so much. Why would she cry after giving head to a guy she likes? And she is only sorry now, because you've found out and are upset.

 

So, what can you do about it? Well she needs to stop lying and own her actions. If she can't be honest with you then there is no future for your relationship, and if she continues lying (even to protect you) then you have to ask, what else is she lying about? She needs to start being honest and you need to tell her this.

[a121]

Please tell me you don't believe that? It's a crock of BS, she's saying that to (try to) make you feel better. The fact is she probably liked it at the time, especially if she liked the guy so much. Why would she cry after giving head to a guy she likes? And she is only sorry now, because you've found out and are upset.

 

So, what can you do about it? Well she needs to stop lying and own her actions. If she can't be honest with you then there is no future for your relationship, and if she continues lying (even to protect you) then you have to ask, what else is she lying about? She needs to start being honest and you need to tell her this.

 

Yea I see, your point is valid. I asked her so many times because I had a sixth sense she was hiding from me. She finally gave in she thought after being with me for so long I wouldn;t care becasue it was in past but cant she seem to understand the amount of trust I put in her?

 

On a side note she does have family problems in which I think also lied about certain things.

 

what do you suggest me to do, I have had other gfs but never as long and serious with her. (Most was like 2 weeks lol)

 

some people will ask depends"how much do I love her" but I can't seem to think about that when the "love" I had for her included the trust.

 

Also I do love her a lot but can't get past this

Edited August 2, 2011 by a121

[PegNosePete]

To me the lying is much more important than the actual event. If she just held up her hands and said yes I did it but it's in her past so either accept me as I am or don't - then that would be fair enough. But while she is still trying to minimize her actions, you can't be sure that she is being honest about other things. I would sit her down and tell her that you don't care what she did before meeting you as long as she is honest about it. Hopefully then she will start being honest and you can trust her. But if she still refuses to be honest then I don't see much future for you. It doesn't depend how much you love her, it depends whether she is prepared to be honest with you.

[cutily]

I'm sorry but to me you are being extremely judgmental. And you're wondering why she didn't tell you? Look at your reaction now, she knew you simply wouldn't be able to handle this, and she loves you so much that she didn't want to hurt you.

 

I will be harsh but her past sexual life is none of your business and you're no angel either, seeing from the way you react to this, so please give her a break.

 

You should better concentrate on growing up, and learn what it is to love someone no matter what they've done in the past.

At 20 you're too old to react like an immature brat like that!

[Chi townD]

Although, lying in a relationship is never good. However, in this case, I can see why she did. She was ashamed of her past. You've been with her and you've probably treated her like a princess. Therefore, she didn't want you to think any less of her. She wanted to be the girlfriend that you've always wanted. But you have to realize that no one is perfect. We ALL have pasts, some that we're not proud of. But, you have to put that in the past, you have to realize that you didn't even exist in her world when this happened. YOU have to realize that she choose to fall in love with you, and you are the one person she truely cares about.

 

If you can't let her past go, then YOU are dooming this realationship. However, you need to have a serious talk with her that you need complete honesty in a relationship, even if you might not like the answer. At least you two could be able to talk it through and communicate. Good communication is far better than lying to each other.

[a121]

To me the lying is much more important than the actual event. If she just held up her hands and said yes I did it but it's in her past so either accept me as I am or don't - then that would be fair enough. But while she is still trying to minimize her actions, you can't be sure that she is being honest about other things. I would sit her down and tell her that you don't care what she did before meeting you as long as she is honest about it. Hopefully then she will start being honest and you can trust her. But if she still refuses to be honest then I don't see much future for you. It doesn't depend how much you love her, it depends whether she is prepared to be honest with you.

 

yea but how do i deal with the way she actual told me. i feel different now and see her differently in a different light (not good)

 

if even though she says she'll be honest with me, she is the type of person that would want to hide or blur things so i only know bits and pieces of events. Usually making things the way she wants to see it.

 

I'm sorry but to me you are being extremely judgmental. And you're wondering why she didn't tell you? Look at your reaction now, she knew you simply wouldn't be able to handle this, and she loves you so much that she didn't want to hurt you.

 

I will be harsh but her past sexual life is none of your business and you're no angel either, seeing from the way you react to this, so please give her a break.

 

You should better concentrate on growing up, and learn what it is to love someone no matter what they've done in the past.

At 20 you're too old to react like an immature brat like that!

 

Yes your right, she didn't think I'd be able to handle it but its put on a different perspective when she has all my trust from beginning to having none from me now.

 

I understand that her sexual life prior is none of my business but when you sit down with someone and ask them to be 100% honest with you because you two are close, it hurts to find out that person lies about such a thing.

 

As the previous person stated if she had told me before I could have learned to accept her for who she is and forget about it rather than having to be told it later. I think everyone should have the right to choose prior being in a relationship; that is to know whether or not they can accept and love them for who they are.

 

I have been going out for almost 2 years now, stretching it a bit more so I am 22 now.

Edited August 2, 2011 by a121

[a121]

Also on a side note, I can't seem to tell what she tells e is the truth or lies now. I guess in a way i am that type of person that finds it meangingful if I am their "first" in any type of way. SO having her tell me that I was the first "penis" she has touched or seen to telling e this hold different value for me and I don't know how to cope with it.

 

I guess in a way this relates back to the beginning, had I known I could have made the distinction whether I can accept her for who she was inlcuding the past.

 

Looking back at it and how much I liked her, I could have but now after being treated like this I don't think I can. At least not right now.

 

Think about meeting someone you see eye to eye on everything and have a tight bond but learn later they lied to you. That bond and trust becomes broken and is very hard to be put back. At least for me it is.

[a121]

Although, lying in a relationship is never good. However, in this case, I can see why she did. She was ashamed of her past. You've been with her and you've probably treated her like a princess. Therefore, she didn't want you to think any less of her. She wanted to be the girlfriend that you've always wanted. But you have to realize that no one is perfect. We ALL have pasts, some that we're not proud of. But, you have to put that in the past, you have to realize that you didn't even exist in her world when this happened. YOU have to realize that she choose to fall in love with you, and you are the one person she truely cares about.

 

If you can't let her past go, then YOU are dooming this realationship. However, you need to have a serious talk with her that you need complete honesty in a relationship, even if you might not like the answer. At least you two could be able to talk it through and communicate. Good communication is far better than lying to each other.

 

Yes I agree, what is the appropriate time it would it takes to show whether or not I can handle it or get over it. In other words if I can even stay with her.

 

I have confronted her about how close she is to me and that I'd like for her to be honest with me but everytime she says she is but changes her stories about things.

 

That realy bugs me

[Chi townD]

So, are you gonna end it with her because she lied about something in her past? Does this lie negate your entire relationship? Aside from this lie, did she do anything else that doesn't sit right with you? Does she hit you or berate you? Does she verbally abuse you? Or does she treat you right and showers you with affection?

 

I'm not trying to belittle your own feelings on this, but if you read some of the threads on here. You could read about the mountains of problems some people have. Sorry to say, but your problem looks to be a bumb in the road in comparison. I truely believe that you two can smooth this out. I would hate for you to lose a good girl over something that can be talked through.

[PegNosePete]

if even though she says she'll be honest with me, she is the type of person that would want to hide or blur things so i only know bits and pieces of events. Usually making things the way she wants to see it.

Then I would question whether or not you want a relationship with that kind of person. She will not change.

 

I would not hold it against her that she lied in the past. Everyone does that at first with a new person to avoid scaring them off. But continuing to lie now, is not acceptable to me.

[Chi townD]

It's kind of sounding like she's afraid to tell him anything that he might view as unsavory behavior. She might be afraid of his reaction. Therefore, she starts to trickle truth about things. If she's scared to speak her mind about the relationship then there's even more reason to communicate honestly in this relationship........I could be wrong, but it's a possibility and something to think about.

[Professor X]

**Didn't notice you double posted, so I will copy my response to here where I see you reply**

 

A few things to note:

 

1. You can't come here and tell people how to comment or what to say or i what direction they should answer you.

 

2. If she was a virgin prior to you or not is something quite easy to detect, although there are rare cases in which the virginity ring is big enough not to pop.

 

3. Sexual intimacy and sex can be separated from 1 another, people can have sex without any intimacy - at which point it becomes somewhat of a sport.

 

4. Google up "retrospective jealousy" - which is what you are experiencing IMO.

 

5. If you keeping acting all offended about something that essentially has nothing to do with you, than you will lose your GF in the near future - so make up your mind on what's important to you.

[movana]

Hi,

 

I think one of the things we all learn as life goes on is that we never really know another human being 100% in fact, a lot of people don't even know themselves...it's all a journey. From your reaction to this news I can understand your g/f's unwillingness to divulge an experience that she probably wanted to forget. I disagree with the first person's response to your question. It is quite possible that she cried after doing this, she was young and was maybe under peer pressure due to the fact this was a guy she fancied and wanted to impress. I well believe she did not enjoy it. I also think trust grows in time and your reaction now shows that you are quite judgemental. Maybe that's what put her off telling you. I understand that you have not had any sexual experiences besides your g/f but that doesn't mean that having sexual experiences is wrong. It's human to be curious and to make mistakes. I think the fact that your g/f has not cheated on you, like you said in your post, and she has been honest with you ultimately should show you that you have something special here. I don't think you'll do yourself any favours obsessing about this or imagining it. You are still very young and in 20 years time you'll see how petty this is, i understand it's a big deal now but it won't be in time. Also, i feel a bit sorry for your girlfriend as she probably grew to trusts you more and felt like she had to tell you this and now is suffering for doing so. Personally I don't feel that it is necessary to tell anyone everything. That's not to say that honesty isn't a valuable part of a relationship but I just don't think what happened there is relevant to what you two have together. It was before your time together. Why should anyone excuse themselves for experiences. She did not hurt anyone but herself. If you do end up breaking up with her over this you may regret it. All the best.

[Eddie Edirol]

You really do need to grow up about this. This is your ego getting away from you. You cannot go though life demanding that your women werent sexually active before they dated you. Like many young girls that gave guys oral to get attention, or as an alternative to sex, your gf probably did it more than once before you. But she HAD to lie because you made it a stipulation of your relationship. She lied because she knew you couldnt handle it, and it also will kill some of her attraction to you because she felt like she had to hide this.

 

Not only that, women are going to lie to you in the beginning of relationships, they wont all be perfectly honest. This is going to happen all through your life, so you have to decide to live with some lies, or never date again because your ego cant handle it. You will also learn in a few years, that you WANT women with some sexual experience eventually because they are more open to grow with you sexually.

 

This gf you have is one of them. She wants to grow with you and you are pushing her away, which you WILL regret when she dumps you for being so closed minded. Close mindedness is a complte turnoff to women, and they shytcan you for it. Do you know why? Because your gf knows that the next guy she starts having sex with wont care about her history, because HE is secure and confident with HIMSELF. She will grow in love with him for his confidence, they will learn new sexual positions together, they will get married and all is well.

 

Now that guy could be you if you get your egotistical ideals out of the way. What you want is unnecessary. IF you dont, you will be sitting at home waiting for her to text you back, while she is with a new guy.

 

If you can have any girl you want, and you have choices if you dump this girl, then you can have any ideals you want. If you dont, dont push this one away just because you made her lie to impress you.

[a121]

Then I would question whether or not you want a relationship with that kind of person. She will not change.

 

I would not hold it against her that she lied in the past. Everyone does that at first with a new person to avoid scaring them off. But continuing to lie now, is not acceptable to me.

 

Yes mostly about family stuff etc. Also we have been going out for that amount of time. I can see how she wouldn't want to scare me off at first but after this long she waits? I don't believe its acceptable

[a121]

Hi,

 

I think one of the things we all learn as life goes on is that we never really know another human being 100% in fact, a lot of people don't even know themselves...it's all a journey. From your reaction to this news I can understand your g/f's unwillingness to divulge an experience that she probably wanted to forget. I disagree with the first person's response to your question. It is quite possible that she cried after doing this, she was young and was maybe under peer pressure due to the fact this was a guy she fancied and wanted to impress. I well believe she did not enjoy it. I also think trust grows in time and your reaction now shows that you are quite judgemental. Maybe that's what put her off telling you. I understand that you have not had any sexual experiences besides your g/f but that doesn't mean that having sexual experiences is wrong. It's human to be curious and to make mistakes. I think the fact that your g/f has not cheated on you, like you said in your post, and she has been honest with you ultimately should show you that you have something special here. I don't think you'll do yourself any favours obsessing about this or imagining it. You are still very young and in 20 years time you'll see how petty this is, i understand it's a big deal now but it won't be in time. Also, i feel a bit sorry for your girlfriend as she probably grew to trusts you more and felt like she had to tell you this and now is suffering for doing so. Personally I don't feel that it is necessary to tell anyone everything. That's not to say that honesty isn't a valuable part of a relationship but I just don't think what happened there is relevant to what you two have together. It was before your time together. Why should anyone excuse themselves for experiences. She did not hurt anyone but herself. If you do end up breaking up with her over this you may regret it. All the best.

 

You really do need to grow up about this. This is your ego getting away from you. You cannot go though life demanding that your women werent sexually active before they dated you. Like many young girls that gave guys oral to get attention, or as an alternative to sex, your gf probably did it more than once before you. But she HAD to lie because you made it a stipulation of your relationship. She lied because she knew you couldnt handle it, and it also will kill some of her attraction to you because she felt like she had to hide this.

 

Not only that, women are going to lie to you in the beginning of relationships, they wont all be perfectly honest. This is going to happen all through your life, so you have to decide to live with some lies, or never date again because your ego cant handle it. You will also learn in a few years, that you WANT women with some sexual experience eventually because they are more open to grow with you sexually.

 

This gf you have is one of them. She wants to grow with you and you are pushing her away, which you WILL regret when she dumps you for being so closed minded. Close mindedness is a complte turnoff to women, and they shytcan you for it. Do you know why? Because your gf knows that the next guy she starts having sex with wont care about her history, because HE is secure and confident with HIMSELF. She will grow in love with him for his confidence, they will learn new sexual positions together, they will get married and all is well.

 

Now that guy could be you if you get your egotistical ideals out of the way. What you want is unnecessary. IF you dont, you will be sitting at home waiting for her to text you back, while she is with a new guy.

 

If you can have any girl you want, and you have choices if you dump this girl, then you can have any ideals you want. If you dont, dont push this one away just because you made her lie to impress you.

 

We did try new positions together etc. I forgot to mention that she put more time and effort the way she used to look compared to now.

 

At times I feel like I got the bad side of her. She is average looking, what really makes me attracted to her was her personality and honesty. So can you see why I am not as interested?

 

I did think about not dating anyone and being single. I think you are right in regards to me being alone if I act like this. At first I wanted to be with a girl that is virgin because I was too, I wanted share something and give it up to the person that was right. I am very picky and want to be with women who have had similar experience as me.

 

Right now I can't believe anything she says because it may be that she has other things she wants to cover.

 

Personally I don't think its correct because I put myself out there to grow while she hid herself trying to make herself look or impress me ( also with other things) that in long run only upset me more.

[a121]

So, are you gonna end it with her because she lied about something in her past? Does this lie negate your entire relationship? Aside from this lie, did she do anything else that doesn't sit right with you? Does she hit you or berate you? Does she verbally abuse you? Or does she treat you right and showers you with affection?

 

I'm not trying to belittle your own feelings on this, but if you read some of the threads on here. You could read about the mountains of problems some people have. Sorry to say, but your problem looks to be a bumb in the road in comparison. I truely believe that you two can smooth this out. I would hate for you to lose a good girl over something that can be talked through.

 

She does show affection however what doesn't sit right for me is seeing how she put effort in the way she dressed compared to now. I have confronted her about this, makes me feel unworthy since if I am truely special like she says I am, would have no problem looking super nice for me.

 

Also her stories, you are right she does tweak somethings to try to stand better but in the long run only hurt and irritates me more. I have also told her about this. She admitted that she wants to impress me.

 

At times I think she lives in fairytale land, not looking at reality and saying things like "your the only guy i've been with" or "you were my first kiss"

then later she says I am not the first guy she kissed but she likes to think that way. This leads me to think what are other things she likes to think?

 

Please note, first kiss part is just an example, I don't mind if she kissed someone before me.

[Chi townD]

Dude, Really? Now your upset that she doesn't dress nice enough for you? The girl I'm with she looks great if she was dressed to the nines, or in a sun dress or in jeans, a sweat shirt with a ballcap and a ponytail out the back. I really don't care because it doesn't change the girl I'm in love with....I might draw the line at a moo-moo though..

 

It sounds like this girl is walking on egg-shells around you, afraid she might say the wrong thing. That's no way to be in a relationship. You need a serious chill pill or you are going to lose this girl.

 

It sounds like you're looking for a girl that is hot and sexy like Megan Fox, who dresses sexy, but on too sexy for others to notice. Who's never had any contact with any other man (to include kissing) because she was waiting to find you. And is still a virgin. Yeah, you'll have a hard time finding a girl that fits inside those parameters. Tell you what! Why don't you come on over to my place and we'll have a beer and I'll introduce you to my neighbor, Mr. Easter Bunny.

[a121]

Dude, Really? Now your upset that she doesn't dress nice enough for you? The girl I'm with she looks great if she was dressed to the nines, or in a sun dress or in jeans, a sweat shirt with a ballcap and a ponytail out the back. I really don't care because it doesn't change the girl I'm in love with....I might draw the line at a moo-moo though..

 

It sounds like this girl is walking on egg-shells around you, afraid she might say the wrong thing. That's no way to be in a relationship. You need a serious chill pill or you are going to lose this girl.

 

It sounds like you're looking for a girl that is hot and sexy like Megan Fox, who dresses sexy, but on too sexy for others to notice. Who's never had any contact with any other man (to include kissing) because she was waiting to find you. And is still a virgin. Yeah, you'll have a hard time finding a girl that fits inside those parameters. Tell you what! Why don't you come on over to my place and we'll have a beer and I'll introduce you to my neighbor, Mr. Easter Bunny.

 

 

ahaha no I said I don't care about the kissing part, I was indicating the mentality. She has but wants to believe I was the only one....

 

Also I am not asking for her to be Megan fox or something, I still love her for who she is but it does bug me that she put more effort and doesnt dress as nice for me. I am kind of over that though.

 

Back to the main topic. Sorry for my rants.

Not asking for someone who has never been with anyone but me just saying about the lying part that I can't seem to get over

Edited August 2, 2011 by a121

[a121]

Can this thread be deleted or locked?

 

I am done with this thanks