2-year affair dragging- losing hope and self!

[Cairo]

I'm new here, but so relieved to see others in my same situation. I will try to condense my post...bear with me: I was unhappy in my 4 year marriage, no children. Met a man where I work, he's married with 2 daughters 5 and 9, married for 11 years at the time we began our affair. We were in heaven and fell very much in love. Love I've never felt before, nor he. I was 32 when we started and he was 35. He and his wife separated once before I ever entered the picture. They are polar opposits and moved here from anonther state back in the mid-90's. We've been involved for 2 years now. The first year was great, but at 9 months, she followed him and saw a kiss we shared. It turned into a HUGE fight, but he didn't wanna go out like that.

 

I told him to stay with her, he said he wanted to try to keep his family together. I walked away- told him to come back when his hands were clean. After I walked away which was terribly painful given I had to see him everyday, I took stock of my own marriage. Did the right thing, and ended it. I wasn't in love and knew I wouldn't be happy if I stayed.

 

Naturally, this threw Dave into a tailspin...now I was getting divorced and he says that forced his hand. He began professing his love for me, crying, months of this all while I was agonizing, trying NOT to be the OW.

 

February 03, we start with the phone calls. Crying, lovey, we slept together- I know it wasn't right...trying to salvage my dignity. Then in March 03 Dave and his wife have a mirror convo of the one they had in Nov when she caught the kiss. NOthing had changed...all the problems still existed. He told me about the convo. ALso tells me he's not in love with he, there's nothing she can do to fix that...he's contemplating leaving her. So they have another coming to Jesus in March, but I began to lose respect for him because it was a repeat of Nov 02. I drew more lines with him.

 

April of '03 he came by my house one night- she had followed him. The two argued in front of my house and that was IT for me. Or so I thought. I thought for sure she would leave him after finding him at my house, but she didn't. The two fought, claimed to only be there for their daughters, etc. Ugly drama for them. I really thought she'd get a spine...more so that he would. He didn't.

 

In May 02 I could tell by his inaction he wasn't doing anything and was content to live with a woman he's not in love with, all the while prfessing his love for me, doing things for me, fantasizing about me, I still have to see him at work all the time.

 

I tried to move on, all the while not able to be friendly to him because it hurts. I try to move on, date others. He continued to profess his feelings, but continued to go through the motions at home. I was doing the no-contact thing and in so much pain I can't even begin to describe. The anniversary of my mother's death came in July and I broke down and called him. It felt so good and we shared our love feelings again. I did my best until November to stay away and I was hating how I felt- being fake.

 

Novemebr 03 I caved and we became intimate again, pursuing one another and acting very natural. Xmas came and I was alone and THAT I thought was my breaking point. I told him on Dec 28 that I could have nothing to do with him until he was done with his marriage. THat christmas alone crying broke me.

 

I would still see him at work and closed my door- trying to hurt him in the process too. Mid feb I had a job offer in Chicago which would require me to move. He found out and we discussed it. I told him I was so miserbale here at work that my personal life and my professional life were unbalanced. I had no future with him, etc. Staying here was killing me inside.

 

Well, he began to tell me how I wasn't going anywhere and that he woul ddo something about this. mid march 04 it was time for me to take a trip to the hiring company in Chicago. It wasn't until then that he TALKED to his wife. They had a coming to jesus and agreed that their marriage was a sham. He told her he was no longer attracted to her and that they shouldn't stsay together for the girls.

 

I returned from my Chicago visit and he didn't offer much info. He told me they agreed on many points and he's going to keep on it until he gets to where he wants to be which is with me. He doesn't believe in just walking in and saying goodbye to her after being together since HS.

 

Two weeks later, I've got no update, but I see himat work, he calls me all the time, very expressive, etc. A few times during this we've been sexual and I am in heaven. I leave for a work trip on April 5. He had offered to watch my house and take carae of the dogs. That morning I had to tell him that I didn't get the offer I wanted from Chicago and he was exctatic I wasn't leaving. I told him I was still going to look for another job because nothing had changed, I was still in the same preficament. He looked at me and told me, "No, you're not. It's changing. I talked to her again and it's getting done."

 

I was shocked and cried thinking this was actually going to happen. We laid in bed as he described for me their convo. It seemed very civil and honest (as he could be). She agreed that she had been miserabl for at least 5 years, bu twas afraid to tell him for fear of change. They had been together for so long. I felt so happy for him that he was finally going to have the amicable spilt he had talked about.

 

He watched my house and did a few extra nice things for me for my return. I was in heaven thinking abou tmy possible future. When I returned, I hadn't heard anything for another two weeks and I had to ask what was happening at home. HE told me she was TRYING. I was appauled. It was the same conversation they'd had a year ago. I asked why he was allowing her to TRY if there wasn't anything she could do. He said she feels as though there are things she can do and he thinks he OWES it to her to let her do this for her own peace of mind. I explained to him all the ramifications of that and he saw. he even suggested she have plastic surgery. I couldn't believe he might allow all that to happen just so he can look better on the other side, "See wife, I told you it wouldn't work. And look, we tried everything"

 

So, we spoke again last Tuesday and he said he's never been more out of control in his entire life. He's so miserable and spiralling out of control. I told him I too felt I was lacking some control and direction since my Chicago plan fell through. He talked about some huge fights he and the wife were having and they were all stemming from her attempting to FIX things and him not being receptive. I told him that was his fault for giving her false hope and naturally she would try to do anything she could. I told him he's embarrassing her and if he knows there's nothing she can do, let her know that and let her save her dignity. He can't seem to understand the importance in that. I told him he's being selfishly guilty. SPare the woman or spare me! Christ!!!

 

A week has passed. He has not brought anything up since last week, but I am tired and depressed. I feel terrible even though I am trying to keep my distance. I feel good about my current boundaries, but I dont see him making any progress, nor do I ever hear him committing to any timelines. He won't commit to any timelines. He says he knows there's nothing between them except the girls, but he's scared. About a month ago before I left for Chicago to interview, I asked him to commit with me one way or the other. Commit to walking away from each other, or commit to a timeline for our own sanity. He said he can' t do that. "I AM doing something, but I can' t tell you how long. I am doing this, you have to believe me, but I can't meet your deadlines. Please give me more time."

 

Now I am at a point where I analyze everything he says. If I don't bring it up, I have no idea what's going on. I cry at night, he is still here every day at work. He comes in to talk to me, etc., leaves me notes in my desk, etc.

 

I know you will all say to 'take care of yourself girl'. I just don't know what that is, and I am constatnly exposed to him so some dramatic exit simply won't work. I'm very level-headed with him and am always the voice of reason. I need help. I simply cannot be objective. I don't know what he's doing. This man loves me, I love him, he HAS taken more steps in this past month than ever, but now what. ?????

[Debster]

He has shown you time and again that he is NOT making the change.

How hard is it for him to move out - JEEZ.

 

Why would he? After all - all he has to do is throw some odd lines your way and you are all ready to consider getting involved AGAIN in the drama.

 

Do what is right for you. Stop the drama with him and his wife. Make a new start in Chicago and find someone who is willing and able to commit to you.

[Cairo]

So, the Chicago job offer wasn't the issue. They didn't offer me what I needed to go, so financially I was unable to take the job. I didn't PASS UP a great opportunity to wait for him or anything like that.

 

Part of me was relieved I couldn't take the job since I've never lived anywhere but here- it would have been very scary. But another part of me was disappointed that my chance to kill two birds with one stone (move to a better job and move away from Dave to start to heal) was gone. I didn't start to feel that until recently, but I have felt lately like my one chance is gone. I simply don't have the strength to 'stay away'. I have proven, as has he, that our bond is way too strong and we simply can't stop being close.

 

Last year I tried to stay away, didn't involve him in my life, didn't know what was going on in his, etc. Since this Chicago thing came up, we've been communicating a lot.

 

Yesterday we argued a bit. I must admit, I bring up the topic a lot regarding what progress is being made and I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for a timeline- for peace of mind and peace of heart. He is mad stating he cannot give a timeline because the cannot commit to it. So I was clear that he needed to make a decision to let HER go and move on or let ME go and stay home- quit involving himself with me. He says he IS doing IT, but can't say when it will occur. The two of them are having on-going conversations about their marriage and she is busting her butt, but he's simply not responsive and can't bring himself to tell her to stop trying.

 

This wasn't a nice conversation, as I can see the level of frustration rising in his face. I understand how difficult it is, and I know his intentions are pure, but I am dying here- alone. He says he knows, he thinks about my SIDE of it constantly when he's not thinking about what the hell he's gonna do over there. I basically think he hasn't made the decision!!! Once you've made a decision, the rest is logistical and will fall into place. I told him I think he's waiting for one of us women to make the decision for him. He truly doesn't want to be the bad guy, not matter how many times I tell him he's not being the bad guy by doing one of us the favor and letting us go. It's a gift as far as I'm concerned.

 

He told me it's MY decision! I can just chose to go on with my life and if and when he gets off is ass, we will see what we ar going to do. (all with a nasty look on his face like a hurt kid.)

 

That night he had a couple martinis at home (he's NOT a drinker) so the inhibitions were quickly lowered. According to him out of pressure from me, sitting across from his wife she mumbled to him, "you'd better make your decision, cuz I'm not gonna go on like this." He mumbled back to her, "I guess YOU have a decision to make then. I've got two martini's in me right now and if push me, I WILL make the decision for you." He started raising his voice telling me the story saying how she's pressuring him, I'm pressuring him, etc. I said, "Jesus Dave, you two are gonna go on like that forever." "The HELL we are!!" he said.

 

Doesn't he get it??? I mean, really! He has all the information. She's breaking her back to try different things and he's not responsive, SHE'S even telling him to decide what he wants to do. WHY wont' he be a man, if not for her sake, if not for his own peace of mind to give him some direction.

 

basically, he's being dramatic and telling me, "If you want me to give you a time line right now I can't so I will just have to tell you I'm staying where I am (sarcastic face). I'm not gonna say Tuesday, July 12, at noon! So, just do whatever it is you're gonna do. NOW...you KNOW I"m lying Kelly, but I just don't feel comfortable giving you a firm date I can't do that to you."

 

Someone help!!! THanks so much everyone!

[istilllovehim]

Sounds like your situation is alike mine in many ways. I pray you find the strength to move on and find a man who is willing to love you the way you love him and is willing to give up anything for your love.

 

I wish you the best!

[Cairo]

Well, I thought a lot about our conversations from last Thursday. I think he was very concerned that he actually said, "I can't give you a timeline, so I"m just gonna tell you I'm staying where I'm at for now." He said this like a sarcastic kid. Being very direct. I was baffled and stunned. All I could say was, "OK."

 

Then he looked at me and said, "G, you know I"m lying when I say that, it's just I can't pick a date. You know I"m lying."

 

Well, that day I think he left concerned his little retraction wasn't enough. He went to my house to dig this trench I had been working on that was giving me callouses. He called me in his way there and then again when he was done. Called me Friday as well (these calls are coming in steady now.) Then Saturday out of the blue, he showed up at my house in the middle of the day saying he was going to the pool store. He looked amazing and smelled wonderful. Had shaven all his hair off (he's a body builder of sorts) looked amazing. He came in and we visitied. I didn't touch him, but I was friendly. He went out back looking at my watering system saying he needed to get to it another day.

 

Mind you, I can't forget what he said on Thursday about even tho he knows giving me a timeline would help me relax and enjoy my life, he can't give me one so he's saying he's staying where he's at. sarcastic or not, it came out of his mouth.

 

So, I wasnt' hugging him while he was at my house, I was pleasant and he started nagging me about whom I was going to the Seal concert with. He always does this with a sarcastic high school tone, "who ya going with yer bf, huh, huh??" He wouldn't let it go. He started naming off peopl ehe knew I WASN'T going with cuz they were out of town....jeeze. He was there about an hour. I waled him out and in my driveway he kissed me a two second lip kiss. I certainly wasn't going to reach out to him and he definitely caught me off guard. I mean, I'm guessing he is paying so much attention because he KNOWS what he said. Knows I heard him....why else all this.

 

Sunday he called but I didn't answer. MOnday I saw him at work and am treating him like anyone else. He called last night and I was talking to him like a buddy. I was pleasant, but after about 10 minutes, I told him Ill let ya go....see ya later

 

That didn't go over very well. HE continued to ask about the concert AGAIN. Questioning if I went with my BOYFRIEND!!! Who is this BF he's talking about. He asks the ? and then keeps running with it never giving me the chance to answer either way. I told him to just ask me a question if he wants the answer to something. He said "no"

 

He tole me he was leaving to meet his friend for dinner so I said I'd let him go and he got irritated again. He was abrupt in his hang up. I CANT WIN!!!

 

I don't understand his motives or what he's doing. I am trying to focus on me right now and stay away from him while he's doing WHATEVER it is he's doing. I want him to know, "I did make a decision based on the info you gave me. I appreciate it all the info and I'm not mad, but it is helping me with the transistion." Given the ooportunity, I will tell him this, but it hasn't come up yet.

 

ISTILLLOVEHIM: Please tell mw your thoughts. I am floudering here. I AM a woman with a backbone, unlike his wife. Hell, he sat there Thursday and said what he said, albeit sarcastic and then later recanted by saying "you know I'm lying"....but what the hell am I supposed to do with that? He is responsible for everything that comes out of his mouth.

 

Do you think he is feeling a difference in me? DO you think he was at my house like that for make-up sex? I am simply lost! Please help!!

[jmargel]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t34805/ - I wrote something about situations like this.. Take a look.

 

He is playing head games with you. He's not about to leave her. Good chance the stuff he's been saying to you is all but a lie.

 

If you want to continue the rest of your life with someone that you have to share, emotionally and physically then be my guest. When you come to realize that you deserve better then break all contact from him and go through the 5 stages of grief. Once healed you can then start working on yourself and to find someone who really cherishes you for you.

[istilllovehim]

Honestly, it does sound like he loves you, or at the least wants you to be a part of his life. But after all of this time and he still hasn't left his wife, he wont girl until she forces him out, if she ever does. This has been going on with ya'll for way too long now. You are going to have to walk away!!! There is no other way. My favorite quote "If you love something, set it free. If it returns to you, its meant to be". I am with a MM and I can walk away, when I feel as though the time is right. I simply am not ready yet. I'm not enjoying my situation, but I can handle more of it, in hopes that it all works out in the end. But when I get where I cant handle, or I see that they are going to reconcile, I will be out. You need to make some friends that you can confide in. Friends that will be there for you when you just need to take a break from the everyday drama. There is a man out there who will love you with every single ounce of love that you have invested in this man. Just think about how much you love him, wouldnt it be nice to have a man love you that way. Your MM may have a change of heart if you actually stick to your guns and tell him that it is OVER until the divorce is filed and he isn't living with her anymore. Then again, it may give them a reason to work things out. You have 2 choices: 1.) move on and heal yourself or 2.) accept what's going on and continue to live this way. Only you are looking out for you. Do what is best for you. I sometimes wonder if I can live sharing my MM for years, but I pray that he will be completely mine someday. I pray that you find strength!

[Cairo]

I know what you are saying as I sound very usual for women in these situations. However, the majority of wht he's telling me is going on in his house is being validadted by an innocent third party. His wif works with a mutual friends of ours who knows of the situation. The friend we'll call Bob, has never told his wife about this situation with Dave and me. So, when Bob's wife comes home and tells Bob what Tammy has been telling HER about the marriage, Bob shares with me because he also loves Dave and has encouraged him to be strong and let her go. They are miserable together. So, Bob shares the private convos between the WIFE and Bob's wife. So I have to opportunity to validate the information without anyone knowing or being hurt.

 

I know men can be like this. But after all I wrote, you still say there isn't a chance in hell he's sincere? I mean, Dave's work is a mess, he's confiding in friends, looking at places to rent, fishing for roommates, etc. He has confided in one of his older brothers about leaving her, but left me out of the equation. Smart thinking. Brother has offred to help him financially and calls Dave regularly to check up on him.

 

Is there really no hope at all. I just can't believe that!

[morrigan]

I think it would be better if you distanced yourself, physically and emotionally, from this man until he moves out of the marital home, gets a divorce, and is able to pursue a full relationship with you.

 

He has had well over a year now to end his marriage and move on with his life--he hasn't done it yet. He uses his children and the old line of the manipuplative wife as an excuse for his inability to file for a divorce.

 

It keeps you waiting for the hoped for "someday"--when he will be single and will want to be with you. And instead of getting on with your life, and possibly finding a great guy who is fully ready to be with you, you are waiting for someone to do something that might not happen. He may get that divorce, and then decide he doesn't want a relationship. There are no guarantees.