I'm a mess

[cupshalfempty]

Wow this is hard. Recap, gave mm a 2 month ultimatum in an email. He didt respond. I came here poured it out and found some anger. I told him I was angry over his not responding and to screw the 2 months if he didn't respect me enough to respond or mention it he didn't respect me enough for me to waste anymore of my life on. He begged and pleaded told me he didn't respond because he didn't think I wanted one, that he was scared I'd call bull to anything he said like I do over so much, that I'd think any response was to placate me. He says he made his choice he's leaving her. Please just wait, one month, two no more. I got it in writing, end of two months and ZERO contact.

 

That was last week. Then...he goes on vaca to her family cottage this week. My birthday was sat, I got one text "happy birthday, egg mc muffin (I told him to remind me I wanted one in the morning) ttyl" then "my phone is off".

 

I haven't heard from him since. I guess this is the nc I asked for. Only I know when he comes back he will act like its nothing, he's sorry, she took his phone or something. Last time she took his phone and I texted him to say my phone was working again and she texted me back asking "what?". But really? Zero contact? You want to leave her but give her your phone? (Which I bought) or your just telling me its off so you can have a nice little vaca actinglike the good little hub and leaving me hanging.

 

Just give me strength. I am done. 3 days nc...I see that as he made his choice. I went into his email and erased every message, every photo. I don't want to exist to him any longer. I am putting a block on his texts and removing him fromfb. I am dying inside. Looking for that grain of hope but slapping myself in the face for even wanting to look. I wish there was a fast forward button to get over the heart ache. I feel so stupid, so gullable.

[Silly_Girl]

Do not feel stupid for trusting someone or loving someone. There were reasons you felt that way. You didn't just make it all up in your head!

 

Take good care of yourself, like you would a precious friend. Mood phases will come and go (anger, hurt, grief etc) but you can ride them out. Be kind to yourself and do things you would normally get enjoyment or fulfilment from.

[eleanor01]

That stinks. I think you're doing the right thing. Regardless of whether or not he's married, he's treating you badly.

 

I hope that you stay strong.

 

Best,

Ellie

[half_ofa_heart]

oh Cup.... I soooooo have wished for a FF button (like in the movie Click) just to get through this pain. But it's something that simply cannot be avoided. Look at it this way... it's either suffer the heartache now or continue to suffer slowly by staying with him in the current situation. Be strong! I know in your heart... deep down in there, you know that you have made the right decision. Stick to your guns!!!! Be true to yourself!!!

 

If only I could listen to my own advice

 

Heart

[half_ofa_heart]

Not sure how long you've been in your situation or how long you've been conflicted but let me just say... as long as you stay, it wont get better.

 

I almost feel as though I'm not qualified to give you sound advice since I have not been able to convince myself but I'll give it a shot. I've been in my situation for over 2 years. I've tried to end it more than 28 times (that's when I counted last) and I always end up back in his arms.

 

I am not a religious person but find myself praying every night for the strength to be able to walk away and never look back. Then I pray that God give my MM the compassion to let me go.

 

The problem for me is that I KNOW I could do it if he would just honor my wishes and leave me alone when I break things off - but he doesn't and it doesn't take long before I take that as a sign of true love and fall right back into the same toxic situation.

 

So, what I'm trying to say is try not to take his lack of a response as his NOT caring for you. Rather, take it as he cares ENOUGH about you to honor your wishes and no longer hurt you while he figures his mess out. Be true to YOU and do for yourself in this time.

 

I have been where you are and don't wish that kind of pain on anyone. Hope you get through it quickly and as painfree as possible.

 

(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

[donnamaybe]

I'm sorry you're hurting. You'll get past this. You will. It'll hurt, yes. But it will be over, and you'll come out of it wiser and stronger. Just be glad and PROUD that you gave the ultimatum so you didn't waste half a decade or more like others have.

[TurboGirl]

Cup...

 

I'm sorry but he's not leaving his "family" girl, he's on vacation with them! No way is he leaving. And wow, what a wuss, gives up his phone? No one would take my phone outta my hand. The wife suspects, that is why she takes her little boy's phone away. Did you say you bought that phone for him?!????? WTF??? WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU EVER BUY A PHONE FOR A MAN?

 

The no response that you received to your ultimatum email is your answer, honey. There is no answer. Please don't contact this MM again - leave him to his wife.

 

I know it is painful and difficult. Try and hang on, you will feel better in time... the longer you hang on... the worse your self esteem will be. Buck up, hold your head up and remain NC with this loser.

[cupshalfempty]

Oh god Half I know. I am going between making up excuses for him and being angry and hurt. The worst is if he comes home and then begs. Me again saying he loves me and then what...excuse after excuse. Come on, if I meant HALF of what he says I do to him he wouldn't let anything get in the way of contacting me. He'd man up.

 

I can't stop this crying then anger then crying. I'm so sick of this emotional rollercoaster. I am dreading him coming back and praying by then ill be sooo filled with wrath and anger his presence will be nothing to me.

[half_ofa_heart]

Oh god Half I know. I am going between making up excuses for him and being angry and hurt. The worst is if he comes home and then begs. Me again saying he loves me and then what...excuse after excuse. Come on, if I meant HALF of what he says I do to him he wouldn't let anything get in the way of contacting me. He'd man up.

 

I can't stop this crying then anger then crying. I'm so sick of this emotional rollercoaster. I am dreading him coming back and praying by then ill be sooo filled with wrath and anger his presence will be nothing to me.

 

That is why everyone says NC is the only way to break free from the situation. The only thing I can say for you is that if he is indeed leaving her; wouldn't it be better knowing that he is leaving because he no longer wants to be married to her rather than leaving her FOR YOU???

 

If you go NC and clear him from your mind and allow him to figure out his true desire while you figure out what it is YOU truly want. NC is the best way to achieve this state of mind. I know in theory it sounds soooo logical but take it from me, not an easy task.

 

But if you can muster up enough strength (which judging by your posts, sounds like you have a ton of it somewhere deep inside of you) you will be so much better off in the long run.

 

Oh how I wish we knew each other well enough to be each other's support - like a sponsor in AA or perhaps a shock collar

 

Good luck to you Cup! Keep your chin up and look to your children for happiness as at the end of the day, they are all that matters.

 

Heart

Edited August 2, 2011 by half_ofa_heart

[cupshalfempty]

Half...I made an email...its cupshalfempty333 at live dot com..maybe we can email to keep in contact.

[waytogo]

Oh god Half I know. I am going between making up excuses for him and being angry and hurt. The worst is if he comes home and then begs. Me again saying he loves me and then what...excuse after excuse. Come on, if I meant HALF of what he says I do to him he wouldn't let anything get in the way of contacting me. He'd man up.

 

I can't stop this crying then anger then crying. I'm so sick of this emotional rollercoaster. I am dreading him coming back and praying by then ill be sooo filled with wrath and anger his presence will be nothing to me.

 

Hi Cups. (Sorry to those who've read it b4 from me) In some ways I was lucky. No big negative unfullfilled date drama with xMM. Just me tired of the limitations. I took the chance of nothing for whatever time it would be, to the limited time I did get.

 

I chose nothing, and met my now H within 6 months. I really believe life can't bring you certain things when you leave a drain clogged with all it's limitations. I promise, I thought I'd met every type so why bother? H is different. It still amazes me this was available to me after getting out of a 2 + yr A. Good things are waiting for you

[MissBee]

Wow this is hard. Recap, gave mm a 2 month ultimatum in an email. He didt respond. I came here poured it out and found some anger. I told him I was angry over his not responding and to screw the 2 months if he didn't respect me enough to respond or mention it he didn't respect me enough for me to waste anymore of my life on. He begged and pleaded told me he didn't respond because he didn't think I wanted one, that he was scared I'd call bull to anything he said like I do over so much, that I'd think any response was to placate me. He says he made his choice he's leaving her. Please just wait, one month, two no more. I got it in writing, end of two months and ZERO contact.

 

That was last week. Then...he goes on vaca to her family cottage this week. My birthday was sat, I got one text "happy birthday, egg mc muffin (I told him to remind me I wanted one in the morning) ttyl" then "my phone is off".

 

I haven't heard from him since. I guess this is the nc I asked for. Only I know when he comes back he will act like its nothing, he's sorry, she took his phone or something. Last time she took his phone and I texted him to say my phone was working again and she texted me back asking "what?". But really? Zero contact? You want to leave her but give her your phone? (Which I bought) or your just telling me its off so you can have a nice little vaca actinglike the good little hub and leaving me hanging.

 

Just give me strength. I am done. 3 days nc...I see that as he made his choice. I went into his email and erased every message, every photo. I don't want to exist to him any longer. I am putting a block on his texts and removing him fromfb. I am dying inside. Looking for that grain of hope but slapping myself in the face for even wanting to look. I wish there was a fast forward button to get over the heart ache. I feel so stupid, so gullable.

 

SMH Classic, just classic.

 

Cup: I am sorry for your pain and I definitely empathize. You should read this site called baggage reclaim, particularly an article on the "Reset Button", as something you said about him acting like "it's nothing" reminded me of that.An excerpt says:

 

The ‘reset’ button in relationships is where the user seems to believe they have an ability to reset the relationship to whatever point that they feel most comfortable with, which is effectively like erasing the past.

 

With their assumptive, passive aggressive and outrageous attitude, they operate in a little bubble where they can run around doing and saying what they like and then bamboozle their way around your protests and requests to talk. These people don’t like ‘dwelling’ which is a codeword for basically thinking about, discussing, or doing anything that might cause them to connect with their actions and realise that they have behaved in less than a favourable manner to the people they are involved with. They don’t like to be challenged and will try to penalise you through sulking, withdrawal, and creating conflict so that you realise it’s not worth the aggravation and ‘give in’.

People who use reset buttons:

 

Disappear for periods of time and return unchallenged.

 

Leave you for someone else and then start calling you up or trying to see you behind their back.

 

Have zero respect for boundaries.

 

Have little or no empathy for you or others. They’re me, me, me, it’s all about me.

 

Make promises and then renege.

 

Only do things on their terms even when they pretend they’re meeting you half way or doing things ‘your way’.

 

Avoid discussions that will throw light on their actions.

 

Borrow and take from people and feel no need to return. These are the types of people that borrow money and make it ‘subtlety’ difficult for you to ask where it is.

 

Call/email/text/turn up on your doorstep after you cut contact.

 

Claim they don’t understand why you’re so mad at them or have a problem.

 

Expect to be taken back without question.

 

Expect to have their promises that they have changed to be accepted even though they refuse to acknowledge or accept what the issues were.

 

Share the burden of their behaviour by blaming everyone else but themselves for their actions. If they can’t blame people, they blame ‘obstacles’ that don’t exist.

 

Expect to be forgiven even when they have no intentions of being any different.

 

Have people to default or fallback on who will always be receptive to them. They flit around from person to person, group to group, and back and forth. They teach people over time that it’s not worth the conflict by trying to get them to understand what has happened.

 

Make you feel like you’re going mad by denying things have happened or even denying they’ve said something or accusing you of twisting it.

 

Believe that when people get back together, they don’t need to discuss ‘the past’ and that they should just be accepted back if their partners really ‘love’ them which conveys the message that people who love you don’t question your behaviour and accept it no matter how bad it is – which is not true.

 

Tell you ‘It’s in the past’ or ‘Stop bringing up old sh*t’ and then bring up the past themselves when they try to take cheap shots at your expense.

 

 

It is painful now but slowly you will realize that this "relationship" needed to end and will make room for better. Browse that site. You'll find tons of articles on being the OW, unavailable relationships and more that I am sure you will empathize with, as well as comments from women in similar positions. You will sometimes be taken aback and wonder if they were dating your MM because of the uncanny similarities! Over time you will begin to see the reality of the situation and feel more empowered to continue NC and move on from this waste of time.

[So Very Confused]

Wow this is hard. Recap, gave mm a 2 month ultimatum in an email. He didt respond. I came here poured it out and found some anger. I told him I was angry over his not responding and to screw the 2 months if he didn't respect me enough to respond or mention it he didn't respect me enough for me to waste anymore of my life on. He begged and pleaded told me he didn't respond because he didn't think I wanted one, that he was scared I'd call bull to anything he said like I do over so much, that I'd think any response was to placate me. He says he made his choice he's leaving her. Please just wait, one month, two no more. I got it in writing, end of two months and ZERO contact.

 

That was last week. Then...he goes on vaca to her family cottage this week. My birthday was sat, I got one text "happy birthday, egg mc muffin (I told him to remind me I wanted one in the morning) ttyl" then "my phone is off".

 

I haven't heard from him since. I guess this is the nc I asked for. Only I know when he comes back he will act like its nothing, he's sorry, she took his phone or something. Last time she took his phone and I texted him to say my phone was working again and she texted me back asking "what?". But really? Zero contact? You want to leave her but give her your phone? (Which I bought) or your just telling me its off so you can have a nice little vaca actinglike the good little hub and leaving me hanging.

 

Just give me strength. I am done. 3 days nc...I see that as he made his choice. I went into his email and erased every message, every photo. I don't want to exist to him any longer. I am putting a block on his texts and removing him fromfb. I am dying inside. Looking for that grain of hope but slapping myself in the face for even wanting to look. I wish there was a fast forward button to get over the heart ache. I feel so stupid, so gullable.

 

He didn't even respond to your email? His excuse sounds lame to me. He didn't respond because he wants things to remain the same without him having to make a choice.

 

I'm very sorry for your pain. I'm also proud of you for having the strength to start taking steps to put this behind you. That took a lot of guts and and intelligence.

 

Every time I read a story like this I feel a little stronger about ending my own situation so thank you for sharing and I really do hope you find the peace you are seeking.

 

MissBee that article was great. I'm always amazed by the insight that is brought to this forum.

[eleanor01]

Cup--

 

You can do it. I promise. Just try to stay as active as you can and resist the urge. If you can make yourself just digusted with him, it will help. Think of it not in terms of "what he has done to you, and why would he do that??" Take yourself out of the picture and pretend that he's the boyfriend of your best friend. Wouldn't you be just downright disgusted with behavior?

 

Miss Bee--

 

Thank you so much for posting that article about the reset. It sounds my ex-boyfriend!

 

Best,

Ellie

[fooled once]

Oh god Half I know. I am going between making up excuses for him and being angry and hurt. The worst is if he comes home and then begs. Me again saying he loves me and then what...excuse after excuse. Come on, if I meant HALF of what he says I do to him he wouldn't let anything get in the way of contacting me. He'd man up.

 

I can't stop this crying then anger then crying. I'm so sick of this emotional rollercoaster. I am dreading him coming back and praying by then ill be sooo filled with wrath and anger his presence will be nothing to me.

 

Cup, how are you doing today?

 

When he returns and wants to see you, remind yourself that he is VOLUNTARILY with his wife; he willingly went on vacation and he isn't going anywhere. He is giving you lip service to get what he wants from you - adoration, sex and ego stroking.

 

Tell him to leave you alone and not to contact you until the ink is dry on his divorce papers. Tell him if he really loved you, he would respect you and your desire to no longer be his mistress. And if he really loved you, he wouldn't put you through the heart ache and sadness of leaving your bed to retun to his wife's bed.

[lilagirl]

i am sorry for your pain. You deserve to be #1. You don't deserve to be watching your phone, waiting for it to tell you you are loved.

 

Good luck hun

[ThePerfectOW]

Wow! You're strong as hell. I have been with my MM for over a year now, and I told him in June, I couldn't do it anymore. I really don't want to, but she knows everything about me! He tells her the truth! He went away and did the same thing. I barely talked to him, except when he snuck away from the hotel room. It is hard, but I give props to you. Are you going to be that strong when he comes back around you, begging and pleading for forgiveness and its all about you crap like the MM love to tell us OW?

[cupshalfempty]

Thanks everyone. Still going crazy here. I am sooo glad I have his email pw. I keep emailing him. Stupid stuff. I should have kept it all its like watching a train wreck. I don't know what to do. I email him telling him how I'm done and why, I email him how I'm angry I email how I'm hurt, I email point forms how my rules r zero contact and how I don't care to hear this or that, how I don't want explenations and what have you.

 

Then...I delete it. I get mad and say to myself "he deserves no explenation" he hasn't given me after his "phone is off" he knows I'm on the edge of being done. He's not. He knows when he comes back this will be my last straw. I don't need to demean myself and sit the little boy down to explain how he's hurt my poor little feelings like. I've done before. I need to just make him no longer EXIST. He's all blocked. Only..he'll be @ work next week. Thankfully I should be able to avoid him...i hope..even then, I am not forced to interact with him. Lunch this week I changed my routone to get used to it before he comes, get my coffee...sit outside in the sun and come here to ls..get strength.

 

I'm gonna do this...I'm dying...but I will be ressurected:(

[Gentlegirl]

Thanks everyone. Still going crazy here. I am sooo glad I have his email pw. I keep emailing him. Stupid stuff. I should have kept it all its like watching a train wreck. I don't know what to do. I email him telling him how I'm done and why, I email him how I'm angry I email how I'm hurt, I email point forms how my rules r zero contact and how I don't care to hear this or that, how I don't want explenations and what have you.

 

Then...I delete it. I get mad and say to myself "he deserves no explenation" he hasn't given me after his "phone is off" he knows I'm on the edge of being done. He's not. He knows when he comes back this will be my last straw. I don't need to demean myself and sit the little boy down to explain how he's hurt my poor little feelings like. I've done before. I need to just make him no longer EXIST. He's all blocked. Only..he'll be @ work next week. Thankfully I should be able to avoid him...i hope..even then, I am not forced to interact with him. Lunch this week I changed my routone to get used to it before he comes, get my coffee...sit outside in the sun and come here to ls..get strength.

 

I'm gonna do this...I'm dying...but I will be ressurected:(

 

I think it took me about 8 attempts at NC before I was actually strong enough to do it It was a combination of things. I spent a whole week on an island with MM. Still not sure how it happened but it did. He went back to his wife and slept with her the night after. That did it for me! I didn;t speak to him for 2 months.

 

He was in LC for 1 month and the the W intercepted a phone call from him on Christmas Eve. That was a belated Dday. It was the train wreck unfolding in slow motion.

 

It all fell in a heap for me after the holiday but he was desperately trying to put it back together. That was breaking point.

 

You will do it one day. Something will tip you over the edge for sure. There comes a point when you can't take any more pain and drama.

 

Good luck at work,

Gentlegirl

[cupshalfempty]

Ugggh NC was broken. I'm still strong though. I guess Fri when he called me and hung up after one ring I went spiralling down. I emailed him a don't contact me again, then was mad...and stupidly emailed more "I'm pissed" type email. And be a man. I emailed it to his phone email not giving a poop if his W saw it. His phone was on, I called from work. So he just lied of course telling me it was off. He emailed me a pic back...oh that made me even more mad. I said screw that I'm going out. Yes I thought what's the worst way to get back @ him? Give him some tit for tat. I went on pof and said to myself, first half decent guy that messages me I'm asking out for a beer. And I did. Mm messages me after my email calling him a coward and to be a man an being pissed over the pic..."You said be a man" I said whatever..its date night. Yes I wanted to make him jealous. I took my shower, got dressed...got undressed and cancelled. God I don't want another man. Right now I'd be THE worst company, and my reasonings for going out are so immture and stupid. I went for a walk ended up @ a friends and crying @ their picnic table. Went home and slept. 13 calls from a number I don't know on my phone. My phone was in my purse I never heard it. Messages from mm asking why I won't talk to him @ 3am.

 

Next day he calls while I'm @ work, I didn't answer. He leaves a message like he's angry that I didn't answer, but claims he loves me deeply.

 

1 am phone call from him. He loves me, he's sorry but he did tell me he was leaving, phones been off..blah blah blah. Ya I cried.

 

Today I emailed him and told him I'm done. I put the email to the one he won't get until he is home. I've taken both emails I use to contact him off my phone. So I won't get notifications if he emails me any longer. Texts are still blocked. I just gotta be strong. God he makes me mad. I tell u its date night and NOW ?!?! I knew it. Like you didn't have ways to contact me, but the moment it looks like I'm moving on you have no probs contacting me...ya cause u wanna keep me on the side, spending my life just waiting for you ...when you want me.

 

I gotta keep this anger up..its my driving force.

[chalkfarm]

I will say it again - what the hell is wrong with these men???

 

Keep your chin up Cup! You are doing fine!

[MizzBlue72]

You are better off. Let him go hon ...

[whichwayisup]

You're going to be fine! Seems the anger and frustration is driving you so run with that!

 

Remember right now he's in total desparation mode and will be pulling out all sorts of tricks and ways to get you to react.

Do yourself a favour and take this a step further, delete and block his email address so you won't even see if he tries to contact you.

 

Get a new cell number too!

 

Be proud of yourself~