Is it normal if a guy you're seeing never invites you to his parties?

[Tasha49]

Call me paranoid but the guy I am involed with refuses to invite me to any of his parties. I asked him last night why he won't ever let me come to his house parties and all he said was that the party isn't that big anyway or if he goes to someone else's party they don't want people they don't know. Bs! And I told him that I would like to go to the huge Halloween party at his place that he has been planning on having for a while. He very noticeably looked uncomfortable at the gesture and all of a sudden said he may not have it anyway and nothing is certain. He still never said I should come if he does have it. Just the idea of me being with him at parties makes him uneasy in general. And it is not like I am weird or dramatic or anything so it has nothing to do with my personality. His friends all love me and so I do not see the problem.

 

Him and I are not official ever since we started a year and a few months ago because he has some weird commitment issues or something. Those of you who know my situation know that I plan to end it very soon because it is bs. I can't trust him if he won't commit to an exclusive relationship.

 

I hae been faithful and we are not even committed. We are very couple-like in every aspect mostly other than the title. So as I have been faithful he has slept with at least 3 people. I found out, he never told me.

 

So the only reason I can think of as to why he refuses to invite me to his parties is because he may hook up with a girl? Right? There is NO reason not to invite me if the reason is innocent. And if he loved me he would want to bring me to parties at least sometimes, right?

[MarlyStar]

I think he doesn't see you as a girlfriend (or even a friend, since he's inviting his friends to his parties) or he's ashamed of you. He may have another 'real' girlfriend.

 

It's not normal. It's not 'weird' commitment issues. It's that you aren't in the relationship you think you are in.

Edited August 2, 2011 by MarlyStar

[Tasha49]

I think he doesn't see you as a girlfriend (or even a friend, since he's inviting his friends to his parties) or he's ashamed of you. He may have another 'real' girlfriend.

 

It's not normal. It's not 'weird' commitment issues. It's that you aren't in the relationship you think you are in.

 

He is definitely not ashamed of me, as I am quite attractive and get hit on all the time. His friends all love me, so he isn't ashamed of bringing me around them.

 

He DEFINITELY does not have a girlfriend. I spend 4 or 5 days of the week with him. He has no time between me and work. And his family knows about me. We just got back from a weeks vacation in California together with his family and he treated me like his gf the entire time. Even in moments of privacy.

 

I can't link you to my previous threads because I am posting from a phone but this would probably be easier if you knew more details.

[Cee]

Tasha, I thought you were finally going to dump this guy. He's not serious about you although he likes you enough to keep you around for sex and companionship. Really you can do better once you let go of him.

[carhill]

FWB occasionally posed as female significant other would be my opinion.

 

Sorry to say that you sound like a situational girlfriend. He must be smokin' hot to string you along like this. Hope it's worth it.

 

Tell me, what do his parents think of you? What's your impression of them? You met them last Thanksgiving. Any further contact?

 

It sounds like he has the traditional male morals of his culture. Men pretty much do what they please. You're young (21 IIRC) and hopefully this experience will be a good instruction for you about relationship progression. Essentially (most of us deal with this) you taught him how to treat you.

[MarlyStar]

He is definitely not ashamed of me, as I am quite attractive and get hit on all the time. His friends all love me, so he isn't ashamed of bringing me around them.

 

He can still be ashamed of you even if you are attractive and get hit upon. You may not be culturally or socially how he wants to present himself. He can think you are the hottest thing in the world, but if you are of the wrong class, religion, nationality, profession, race, educational level, accent, background, whatever, he doesn't see you as girlfriend/relationship material, no matter how much he enjoys being with you.

 

His friends love you and he doesn't mind having you associate with them, but he doesn't let you associate with him as his girlfriend. You don't know how he's explaining you to them, you could be his groupie, or his stalker, or 'this chic who won't leave me alone, so yeah, she's cute and let's me do what I want...'.

 

He doesn't show boyfriend-type affection for you around them even if they've noticed he lights up around you and enjoys your company. He may have explained you off as his 'charity lay' and he may be the only one who believes it, but it doesn't change the fact that whatever story he has to explain your reduced importance in his life, HE believes it even if they don't.

 

You aren't his girlfriend because he neither will admit to being your boyfriend nor does he act like your boyfriend around you. You aren't his friend, becaue he invites his friends to his parties. So you are something else to him--he likes you alot I'm sure, but you are neither a friend nor girlriend.

 

He DEFINITELY does not have a girlfriend. I spend 4 or 5 days of the week with him. He has no time between me and work. And his family knows about me. We just got back from a weeks vacation in California together with his family and he treated me like his gf the entire time. Even in moments of privacy.

 

I agree, he does not have a girlfriend, certainly not you and maybe not anyone else. Although maybe he's holding a torch for someone who got away or is unattainable.

 

If he's had 3 affairs in the last 15 or so months, he's clearly socializing with other women and the 4 or 5 days you spend together and the intimacy you share isn't keeping him from pursuing other women.

 

You're not his girlfriend, your not his friend, you aren't even a FWB, you are in a NSA, one-sided relationship than he doesn't want to develop into anything more and doesn't want his peers (including women) to 'get the wrong idea about'.

 

That he's willing to let his family know about you is not necessarily hopeful or indicative of much. They may be pressuring him to find someone or just expect him to have a woman or whatever. You don't know the story he's presented to them.

 

It's very odd he constantly has parties and consistently doesn't want you to attend. With all the pressure you've put on him about it, it seems likely he'd say something like, "Sure, but I'm not going to hang with you, I'm going to be working the crowd/being the hostess/hanging with my buddies, etc...." Or at least once or twice.

 

But never? Very odd.

 

Even if he was using these parties to hook up with other girls, he could restrain himself once and a while as a payback for all the favors you do him; kind of a throw the dog a bone thing. But it seems like he's willing to lose you rather than let you even occasionally come to the parties.

 

Maybe they are sex parties, and if you go the entire nature of the occasion would be different, so if you are there, there's no point to having the party. Maybe he's doing drugs you don't approve of.

 

Who knows? What's certain though is you don't have the relationship with him you want, you aren't ever going to have the relationship with him you want, and you apparently don't have the relationship with him you think you have even now.

 

Not that I necessarily recommend it; but since you are going to break up with him anyway, why not just show up uninvited to one of those parties and get your questions answered; the not knowing what's going on has got to be particuarly hurtful for you. What's the worse that can happen? He breaks up with you? At least you'd probably have more idea of what you are dealing with.

[MarlyStar]

This is something you said on your last thread.

 

It's not ME. he doesn't want a relationship with ANYone.

 

But he does, he's having a friendship relationship with all those people who are invited to his parties. A relationship he's not having with you.

 

Trust me if he wanted one it would be with me, because we are PERFECT together.

 

HE does not think you are perfect together, or else he'd be inviting you to his parties and telling all his real friends how perfect you are, etc...

 

You are the one who thinks you are perfect together, which is puzzling because he doesn't seem to be perfect for you either.

 

Very rarely argue (only when it comes to me getting upset about him not committing), laugh all the time together, he lights up whenever he sees me (his eyes) and his smile is huge and real. He kisses me a lot. And I can feel how much he cares in the kisses.

 

What's there to argue about if you do everything he wants? And if he's a socialable, extroverted, charming, charismatic type person, he LIKES people, and you are one of the people he likes: he just doesn't like you enough to make you his girlfriend or friend. You are not on his A list, and you are not on his B list either.

 

He is not using me for sex because it does not happen all the time and not every time we're together.

 

Because he's supplementing sex with you with sex with others. You know about 3 of the others. I doubt you know about all of them.

[Tasha49]

Okay I will post more but am about to drive so just to make something clear before I post next:

 

This is not a sex-based relationship. It is MAYBE 10% of what we have. He usually initiates it but most of the time we will just cuddle and he won't try anything. It is not about sex at all.

[Tasha49]

Tasha, I thought you were finally going to dump this guy. He's not serious about you although he likes you enough to keep you around for sex and companionship. Really you can do better once you let go of him.

 

Oh trust me I am "dumping" him still. Mostly because I can't stand feeling like this. I am young and pretty and wasting away. I should be happy and stress free but I am the opposite. He cares for me a lot but it is I who cares for him far more than he could come close to. I am crazy about him and that is the downfall here. I can't be in a relationship where I am way more into the person than they are with me. Sure, he loves me in his own way, but I am fully IN love with him. Ready to show him off, ready to be taken off the market happily and not ashamed. He is not ready. And I need to keep telling myself this.

[Tasha49]

FWB occasionally posed as female significant other would be my opinion.

 

Sorry to say that you sound like a situational girlfriend. He must be smokin' hot to string you along like this. Hope it's worth it.

 

Tell me, what do his parents think of you? What's your impression of them? You met them last Thanksgiving. Any further contact?

 

It sounds like he has the traditional male morals of his culture. Men pretty much do what they please. You're young (21 IIRC) and hopefully this experience will be a good instruction for you about relationship progression. Essentially (most of us deal with this) you taught him how to treat you.

 

His parents adore me. His mom always asks about me and was excited to hear I was coming to California with the family. I think he has a wonderful little family.

 

I just don't get what is in his mind. While we were in California he was saying (and in front of his mom and step-dad) that we shouls all go to Colombia together to visit their extended family together. He keeps talking about future vacations with just the two of us even. I will mention a place I want to see and he says he'll take me there. If he didn't have plans in the future together why would he say these things and clearly genuinely mean them? Beats me.

 

Hey, maybe he doesn't want to settle down with me right now, but maybe he sees it in the future. His mistake lies in assuming I will still be taking all his bs games well into the future until he decides to pull his head out finally. Well he would be sadly mistaken. He isn't that smart if he thinks he can treat me like a half-gf for even 6 more months with me being all happy-dandy-doo with it.

 

He probably wants to hook up more and get it out of his system. And, in the end when he's ready to be serious, still have me waiting at his side. That most definitely could be it.

 

But I really am smarter than that, believe me or not.

[zengirl]

Tasha, I thought you were finally going to dump this guy. He's not serious about you although he likes you enough to keep you around for sex and companionship. Really you can do better once you let go of him.

 

Co-signed.

 

And yes, he's hooking up with other girls. And doesn't invite you so you won't mess up his game.

[Hot Chick]

So are you both students? If you go to a local university or college, it should be no problem to find guys, especially since you are very attractive.

I would "rip the bandaid" if I were you and start checking out the guys in class!

I would not tolerate a guy who slept around with 3 other women women....even though he has told you that you are not "together," he still doesn't care enough about you to not sleep with other women. That is really degrading to you. I hope you use a condom.

But really, you are young and hot! You can do so much better!

[Tasha49]

MarlyStar-

 

In the beginning when it was clear we both were developing feelings toward another, he always invited me to parties. I guess I was his hook-up then. But then things progressed and feelings got more tense and involved. So yes I think he is off hooking up at his parties therefor not inviting me, which is such a ****ty move on his part. He should at least keep his dick in his pants for a party or two so I can go to one with him, like you said. You would think so, right?

 

The 3 I know for sure he slept with I know were only one time things because he was drunk. So perhaps when he parties he cannot control his gems. Which is pathetic since I never have that problem of controling myself. Ever since the last girl I very much doubt he has slept with anyone else because the roommate who knows all the people to invite to parties went to his hometown to work for the summer so they havent had parties since about April. Bug his roommate comes back end of this month and I am going to be very paranoid.

 

He is still not ashamed of me, I have to disagree. He is colombian. His last ex was very much white like me. She was decent looking but truthfully I find myself prettier. Sometimes he will hold my hand at the store. Only once in a great while but still. And some of his roommates know about us because when he goes to sleep and says goodnight to all of them, they see me follow him. And he knows they probably assume so it is not like they are all oblivious. They are the ones he goes to parties with.

 

The only reason I can think of as to why he doesn't want them to think I am his gf, is because that if he brings a girl into his room at one of their house parties, he doesn't want them to judge him. Because if I was his gf and he was bringing other girls into his bed they may lose respect. Or is that a bad assumption? I ran out of ideas a long time ago.

[Tasha49]

So are you both students? If you go to a local university or college, it should be no problem to find guys, especially since you are very attractive.

I would "rip the bandaid" if I were you and start checking out the guys in class!

I would not tolerate a guy who slept around with 3 other women women....even though he has told you that you are not "together," he still doesn't care enough about you to not sleep with other women. That is really degrading to you. I hope you use a condom.

But really, you are young and hot! You can do so much better!

 

He is a student but took time off the last year and is planning to resume in September. I have not yet gone to college because it is too expensive right now and I am unsure of what I want to do with my life.

 

I wish I was in school! Then I could meet a guy much more easy. No one around me strikes my interest. Probably because I have too high of a wall of attraction for the guy I am seeing now. I am open to meeting new men but I would feel like it was cheating. So until I end it I can't really see myself meeting men.

[MarlyStar]

This is not a sex-based relationship. It is MAYBE 10% of what we have. He usually initiates it but most of the time we will just cuddle and he won't try anything. It is not about sex at all.

 

I wonder if he's one of those people who don't like to be alone ever. An extreme extrovert. Living in a party house, having lots of friends, throwing a lot of parties, being busy all the time. Hence you, a pleasant diversion, filler for when he has nothing better, a buffer against being alone.

 

You are adament on the other thread that he loves you, but it doesn't seem like it. He can act loving when he wants, when it pleases him, but it's not his default setting with you, hence the withdrawal, the down times. Those are times he's not up for the act of being into you, those are the times he's expressing his real feelings for you. The clue to this is not that he's downcast when you threaten to leave him (my mother gets downcast when her very good and reliable cleaning lady starts considering other employment); the clue is that altho he knows how much you want him to take you to parties, he won't (altho he will take other women); he appears willing to risk losing you over it.

 

You'd prefer to think of it the other way around. He's crazy about you, but something (maybe the psychological trama of his ex) suppresses the expression of that love, makes him a little neurotic and inconsistent. You are hoping your love and understanding and patience will help him get over it.

 

Consider:

 

He's willing to be a 'couple' with you with his family and strangers--but not infront of his peers. In front of his peers, he's adament that you are NOT a couple, he won't even risk it by inviting you to his own parties--altho he'll invite coworkers and women with whom he has a less casual relationship with. And when you go to other people's parties together, he makes it clear that you aren't a couple: he is your 'ride' there, and he abandons you and leaves with another woman. You didn't really go to that bbq together, and just in case anyone thought you might be together because you came in the same car, he demonstrated very clearly how little he thinks of you. I don't know how you could have been more disrespected.

 

And when you got justifiably angry and threatened to break it off, all he had to do was pout a bit, look despondent and you came running back. But you think this situation has nothing to do with your self esteem.

 

Why would he be okay with strangers and his family seeing you as a couple, but not his friends. Because he doesn't care what strangers think, and when he's with his family he can't womanize. But when he's with his friends he is womanizing, and he's doing his shopping among his peer social group, where he wants no hinderance of a girlfriend.

 

The other thing that's interesting is you believe that the fact he buys you expensive dinners and took you on a whale cruise (I think you mentiond he paid for that?) means he loves you. But when you went on vacation with his family you had to pay $325. You paid your own way because he didn't much care if he went or not; maybe he was producing you for his mother's benefit since she loves you so much. "Bring that nice girl". Ok, but I'm not paying for it. If he was really so keen to have you on that trip, he'd have paid for the family trip not risking you wouldn't go, but not paid for the cruise.

 

He doesn't want to eat alone. He doesn't want to cruise alone. So he paid. But he wasn't going to be alone on the family trip, so you paid. ANd he got points for giving his mother what she wanted.

[Tasha49]

I have ready gone through this. He didn't pay for my trip to California because he could not afford it. He had to pay for the rental car ($500), his own ticket ($325), gas, spending money of his own, hotels, and part of the rental fee of the cabin home. He told me I did not have to pay for anything but my ticket but that he would cover the rest. His parents paid their way and for the groceries. So really, add up all the expenses, him paying for me too would be insane. He works for average wage and doesn't ever save money. He is terrible at it.

 

The cruise was something he had been planning for a while. Because he told a mutual friend he planned to take me on the cruise and then ask me out. But obviously he chickened out. He has no fascination to go randomly on a whale watch. I was not just a body to accompany him. I don't think you understand. He buys me dinners not because he doesn't want to be alone. He has friends. They go out to dinner together too. I see what you are saying but I know that he does not do these things for because of being alone.

 

However, I do get the feeling he does not like being alone. He always has to have someone around him. But when I am around him the moments shared are genuine, not forced. He really truly is into me. Just not enough and I know that.

 

It never will be enough, and I know that due to this... I am always only going yo set myself up for disappointment.

[Hot Chick]

Do you think the fact that he is a student (even though he took time off) and you are not is the problem? He might just associate with people who go to college and are bettering themselves educationally.

Maybe he wants to commit to a woman with a college education. He is apparently studying for a degree, but you are 21 and are not.

Don't put off your education! It will help your future and help widen the pool of men you have to choose from. Lots of guys who have, or are earning, college degrees will only commit to similarly educated women because they have more in common with them......maybe his feelings would change if you took classes toward your degree. Even if it doesn't work out with this guy, you'll be on your way to a better future with better guys!

[Tasha49]

Do you think the fact that he is a student (even though he took time off) and you are not is the problem? He might just associate with people who go to college and are bettering themselves educationally.

Maybe he wants to commit to a woman with a college education. He is apparently studying for a degree, but you are 21 and are not.

Don't put off your education! It will help your future and help widen the pool of men you have to choose from. Lots of guys who have, or are earning, college degrees will only commit to similarly educated women because they have more in common with them......maybe his feelings would change if you took classes toward your degree. Even if it doesn't work out with this guy, you'll be on your way to a better future with better guys!

 

It is a good thought. But rather not likely the case. The only reason he is resuming school again is because his mother is very strict about it and always on his case. He is a huge slacker. No idea what he wants to do yet and is just taking side classes.

 

I plan to get into school, just when I have the money, time and knowledge of what I want to do.

[wheream_i]

He's keeping his options open. Plain and simple. He doesn't want to feel committed or tied down with you around.

[Hot Chick]

Oh well if his mother is very strict about him getting his education, he probably won't settle down with a woman who wouldn't be pursuing a college degree also. It seems education is very important to his family (and probably to him, although he won't admit that to you and will say it's all his mother's idea for him to get his degree.) You're 21, you've wasted 3 years...you can have an open major until you get your general ed. credits out of the way, then declare a major later. You can take out loans and get grants, so that shouldn't be a problem.

I have a feeling these parties are probably all students, those pursuing degrees, and he doesn't want to explain to his peers who you are and why he's with you because you're not in college. You'd have people asking you "what is your major?" etc. etc.

Plus, like I said, you enter a class and in the first day you'll meet 10 guys way better than your boyfriend in just one class....then you'll forget all about him. You can't find the quality guys if they're not educated or getting their education, sorry, but that's how it is.

[Tasha49]

Oh well if his mother is very strict about him getting his education, he probably won't settle down with a woman who wouldn't be pursuing a college degree also. It seems education is very important to his family (and probably to him, although he won't admit that to you and will say it's all his mother's idea for him to get his degree.) You're 21, you've wasted 3 years...you can have an open major until you get your general ed. credits out of the way, then declare a major later. You can take out loans and get grants, so that shouldn't be a problem.

I have a feeling these parties are probably all students, those pursuing degrees, and he doesn't want to explain to his peers who you are and why he's with you because you're not in college. You'd have people asking you "what is your major?" etc. etc.

Plus, like I said, you enter a class and in the first day you'll meet 10 guys way better than your boyfriend in just one class....then you'll forget all about him. You can't find the quality guys if they're not educated or getting their education, sorry, but that's how it is.

 

I honestly appreciate the advice, but again disagree. He does not care if I have a college degree or not. His ex of 6 years had no college life either and he still wanted to be with her. He is goofing off and college is not very important to him. I know him. He knows that I am soon planning to get into classes and pursue a career, so I am sorry but me not being in college is not significant at all.

 

I also disagree only men with a college degree aren't quality men. I have a female friend engaged to a guy who has a high paying, secure job and does not plan to ever pursue college. And he is a fantastic guy. I also have a male friend who is married to a girl who was a college drop out. They are very happy and she is really really great. College does not make a person better in a relationship unless you want to find a guy to support you. I would never want that. I want to work as well.

 

I can appreciate your outlook but slightly disagree.

[Tasha49]

And the parties are not only with students. Some are even underaged and high school drop outs. Most of the people are stoners and just looking to get drunk and have a good time. His friends already know that I am not in college and they do not care and told me to take my time. He himself even told me that he didn't care if I was in college or not. So it is not an issue and nothing to do with not committing.

[Tasha49]

He's keeping his options open. Plain and simple. He doesn't want to feel committed or tied down with you around.

 

I often wonder myself about this as well. The thing is... he is in a hook-up stage. So he is not looking for a girl that could be potential gf material. He just wants the thrill of hooking up with a hot drunk girl IMO.

 

Which is sad...

[Hot Chick]

And the parties are not only with students. Some are even underaged and high school drop outs. Most of the people are stoners and just looking to get drunk and have a good time. His friends already know that I am not in college and they do not care and told me to take my time. He himself even told me that he didn't care if I was in college or not. So it is not an issue and nothing to do with not committing.

 

Well, your boyfriend sounds like a true loser. Plus if he is serving alcohol and making it available to underaged minors, then he could be sued.

He is having parties with underaged students and high school drop outs and you're not even invited? Maybe he's hooking up with underaged girls, too. (Another lawsuit waiting to happen.) This whole group of people are a bunch of losers and you definitely should set your sights higher.

[Tasha49]

Well, your boyfriend sounds like a true loser. Plus if he is serving alcohol and making it available to underaged minors, then he could be sued.

He is having parties with underaged students and high school drop outs and you're not even invited? Maybe he's hooking up with underaged girls, too. (Another lawsuit waiting to happen.) This whole group of people are a bunch of losers and you definitely should set your sights higher.

 

Haha, I do agree, that what he is doing is loser-ish. And I have known forever now that I deserve better. It is just hard to move on whem feelings are so deep. But this is completely insane of me to withstand and unhealthy. This much I know.