Is it normal if a guy you're seeing never invites you to his parties?

[Tasha49]

The only reason I have stayed so long is because I love him. And if he were to ever show signs of truly not being that into me, I would have been out the door because I would have known there is nothing to hope for.

 

I have considered that maybe he isn't even as into me as I think and that maybe I am a time-filler. I tell this to my friends who do not accept him and think I should leave him. But despite the fact that they dislike what he does to me emotionally, they tell me he obviously has love for me because they see it in the way he acts around me and watches me. They also see how he is a commitment phobe and that no matter how happy I make him he isn't ready to settle down and be intimate with one person. And it makes sense.

 

I just wish he really WASN'T into me so I could just walk away and not look back. It would make my life and decisions a whole lot less complex.

[DuskCrush]

Tasha....I thought you were going to break up with this guy after California?

He has shown blatant signs of not being into....try to move on....

Edited August 3, 2011 by DuskCrush

[Tasha49]

Tasha....I thought you were going to break up with this guy after California?

He has shown blatant signs of not being into....try to move on....

 

He has not shown signs of not being into me at all. It isn't that easy. I am not saying this because I am "blinded by love," either. The people around me who know everything even TELL me there is no way that he is not into me, because how he acts around me suggests otherwise. He keeps making future plans and is genuinely and honestly excited about the gestures. A mutual friend who is more on my side tells me things he tells her about me and they are always good. Why would he put ALL this effort forth to me if he wasn't into me at all? If he just wanted to use me he would not go through the trouble, spend all the money on me when he doesn't even make that much.

 

If he can get sex anywhere why the need for me?

[Tasha49]

And I have already made it clear I still AM breaking it off with him. I just can't do it right this moment. How does this look?

 

"Oh hey thanks for taking me with you and your family for an entire week to California and paying for everything. K bye forever now."

 

He is a good person, despite what he does. He is just young and not ready to get serious. But he still doesn't deserve that kind of thank you...

[Star Gazer]

This is the sort of "relationship" that makes me cringe of embarrassment for you, Tasha.

 

Don't feel bad about ending it now. He's been using you for fun this entire time.

[Tasha49]

This is the sort of "relationship" that makes me cringe of embarrassment for you, Tasha.

 

Don't feel bad about ending it now. He's been using you for fun this entire time.

 

Mhm.......

[DuskCrush]

We are all cringing in embarassment for you Tasha and all the excuses you are making for this guy....you just don't want to accept the truth. This guy doesnt want to claim you as a girlfriend and doesnt even want to invite you to his parties....how icky. It's like he's ashamed of you. Who knows what he is really telling other ppl about you...Men lie...look at his actions if you want to know what he really think of you. Run away from this guy...learn to love yourself...we all do stupid things when we are under an emotion but there is no time like the present to start having some dignity. You dont owe him anything...break up with him today...now!

[Hot Chick]

I know this guy may be your first love, the first time you have felt this strongly. I remember back when I was 19, it was the worst heartache breaking up with the guy, but you will get over it and realize there is so much better out there for you. You will meet a guy who will make you wonder what you ever saw in this guy. Seriously!

[Nexus One]

So as I have been faithful he has slept with at least 3 people. I found out, he never told me.

 

That right there is all the information you need.

[simpsonic]

Yes, please end it. I know you said you were planning to, but just do it already. The last guy I dated was a lot like this one; we were very much like bf/gf but he didn't want the title. I did, and it looked like he didn't want to change, so I left. Yes, it did hurt. But I don't regret it for a second.

[MarlyStar]

And I have already made it clear I still AM breaking it off with him. I just can't do it right this moment. How does this look?

 

"Oh hey thanks for taking me with you and your family for an entire week to California and paying for everything. K bye forever now."

 

He is a good person, despite what he does. He is just young and not ready to get serious. But he still doesn't deserve that kind of thank you...

 

How does it look to whom?

 

I thought you had to pay for your own ticket? $350 or something? Besides he has all those expenses (car, etc...) whether you go or not.

 

And MOSTLY: this is a guy who took you to a party, left with another women, stranding you at the party.

 

I think he'll understand. And if he doesn't, maybe it will make him think. Be nice to women you want to take on vacation.

 

Geez, you are breaking up with him and are still worried about what he'll think of you and wanting to please him.

[Tasha49]

How does it look to whom?

 

I thought you had to pay for your own ticket? $350 or something? Besides he has all those expenses (car, etc...) whether you go or not.

 

And MOSTLY: this is a guy who took you to a party, left with another women, stranding you at the party.

 

I think he'll understand. And if he doesn't, maybe it will make him think. Be nice to women you want to take on vacation.

 

Geez, you are breaking up with him and are still worried about what he'll think of you and wanting to please him.

 

I did pay for my way. Because he covered the expenses for me to stay in a cabin home. That was. 200 dollar a night cabin and we were there for a week. And his parents wanted him to pay for the rental car. He could've easily made me pay for part of the house and car fee. But everything else other than my plane ticket was free. Even Seaworld. I don't know why everyone is so caught up over this. If a couple goes on vacation... should they not share the costs? We did not. Because he told me I am his guest.

 

Even if he wanted to cover my share of the plane ticket... I would not dare let him. I would feel like a mooch.

 

And yes, I am breaking up with him yet CARE if I hurt his feelings. He isn't some scumbag piece of **** or anything. He has always been caring toward me when I am with him. He has never been an ******* to me (unless you count the 3 girls, but that does not mean he has an ******* personality). Should I call him a jerk for not wanting he same things that I do? I don't think so.

 

I am not making excuses for him. Yes he has done screwed up things. But he has warned me from the start that he does not want a commitment. So it is my fault for involving my feelings.

[Tasha49]

I am also done with the "he doesn't like you, never will. Get over it" responses. Is that seriously all you people have?

 

I know when someone has feelings for me. None of you know how he acts around me. None of you are seeing the behavior he shows or the blatantly obvious twinkle in his eye whenever he sees me. That can't be forced. If he was using me for anything he would not show such emotion around me. I am not a moron. I know when someone genuinely likes me.

 

It is just really annoying that some people come in here pretending they know it all. No one knows anything for certain about my situation. Yes, some things make him seem like he doesn't love me or care about me but all the bs has not happened for quite some time and he has not done anything like it now.

 

The only reason I am ending it is because I won't accept anything other than a relationship at this point. Because he is perfectly fine and content but I am not. And that will never work out.

[dreamingoftigers]

Tasha at thus point you are arguing about how bad the cancer is, who's fault the cancer might be and how you might look if you removed the cancer.

 

The relationship is like a cancer.

 

Let's just say that this guy is like Red Dye #7. Red Dye #7 in itself isn't a really terrible thing, it is in lots of food products in small doses to add colour.

 

But if you have Red Dye #7 everyday for over a year, it could very easily make you sick or kill you. So far Mr. Red Dye #7 has contributed to a cancerous relationship.

 

It isn't really anyone's fault but your own for ingesting Red Dye #7 for so long even though you might not have realized the harmful effects right away, you might even be rationalizing that Red Dye #7 isn't that bad because people have it in low doses all the time.

 

But now it caused cancer, and it doesn't matter if it worked out for every other person on the planet. It gave YOU cancer.

 

So now in order to maintain a quality of life that you would want you have to do two things:

 

1) cut the cancer out

2) stop having Red Dye #7 no matter how tempting it might look sometimes.

 

It doesn't matter how nice and fluffy Red Dye #7 looked at one point, it us limiting your life.

 

(in this case your romantic and social life).

[Tasha49]

I like the analogy, dot And you are very very correct in your theory.

 

Look, everyone. I do appreciate the help and all of the advice. It helps me look at all corners of the situation to rule one thing out from another.

 

Some of you just aren't being very helpful. I still appreciate the answers but they are not what my situation is really about.

 

But explain to me this, and honestly analyze it:

 

- Why has he bought me expensive gifts and dinners? He again, makes a below average wage. But it without a doubt appears to make him sincerely happy doing these things. At dinners he is a gentlemen and holds my hand and stares into my eyes with passion. There is no faking such a look. I am not blind. I know that look.

 

- Why does he (since the day we met) usually never ever go a day without texting me? If he wasn't into me he would limit that to a few times a week. Why text someone so often if you have no true interest in them? His texts usually start with "Hey chica bonita." or "How are you beautiful?" They're not just lame "Hey. What's up?" texts. He also calls me frequently.

 

- Why does he ALWAYS smile huge when he sees me? I mean his whole face lights up. Even when I don't look at him I see it from my peripheral vision. Even people at work ask my why he does that? And why he's so happy around me. If you don't like someone, why make such the effort? Lighting up is near impossible to fake.

 

- Why does he tell me he loves me? Before he finally said it I asked why he didn't feel it yet. He told me it scares him and he probably won't ever say it because he didn't see himself getting there anytime soon. I told him I understood. But when he was drunk he would always let the words slip. A few months later he finally said it and he never once looked weird or uncomfortable saying it to me. He actually stares into my eyes without hesitation. I know he isn't lying.

 

- Why does he hang out with me so often? He is constantly calling me and making plans to go out and do something. Mostly come cook dinner with him and his roommates and to watch a movie. But in any case, we are always together.

 

- Why did he introduce me to his family? If he didn't plan on anything serious eventually, why would he just take some girl he isn't into to meet his family who lives 4 hours away? And when his mom got me alone she told me all this stuff he told her about me and it was really sweet stuff. And that he really likes me and that I am really good to him. He told her that I make him really happy.

 

- Why make future plans if he doesn't like me? He talks about cruises, trips to Spain since we both want to go someday. He asked me of I would want to meet his extended family in Colombia. He seemed excited with the idea. (keep in mind he acts nothing like a traditional Colombian. His english is absolutely perfect but he has a slight accent. He is very americanized) He asks about how many kids I want and if I want marriage or not.

 

- Why does he get sad when inviting me somewhere and I tell him I have other plans? I mean literally sad. His tone all of a sudden is saturated with disappointment and he usually says "Please? I really want you to come."

 

- Why does our boss know our whole situation? Our boss is pretty close to him and I also think he favors me as well. My supervisor told me that our boss knows about everything basically, because my guy told him his feelings for me.

 

- Why does he get jealous if I mention any guys? Jealousy means that you like someone enough to let that emotion out. He gets all insecure and asks me about them. Never in a mean way. He always looks upset and kind of sad.

 

- Why did he ask if I would come with him if he moved to Seattle? That wouldn't make sense if I was just some girl to him.

 

I mean come on. NONE of those are because he does care about me, but rather that he just isn't into me? None of you have any idea what kind of person he is to me.

 

The only reason I care that people say he isn't into me, is because that advice then becomes useless. Because it is not accurate and I cannot use the advice. And also because I am tired of people accusing me of being blind and dumb in thinking he even remotely likes me.

 

I have said already... if he didn't truly act like he was interested in me at ALL... my decision would have been so much easier so long ago, and I wouldn't be here.

 

But I guess none of the above is of any concern since I have finally decided to get out.

[sm1tten]

If you wanted to hear what you already think is the situation, then why do you keep coming back? All you are doing is reinforcing what people already think, really. I could easily rebut every single point you just made, but it would be a waste of my time because you don't want to hear it. FWIW, I don't think he's just not into you at all. I think he's just not into you enough.

 

You don't need advice. You already decided that you wanted to break up with him. What exactly are you looking for? Justification? Support? Empathy? I don't get it.

[Bridgey]

The problem doesn't seem to be whether or not he cares about you. You know he cares about you. The problem is you both want different things. You want an exclusive, public relationship where everyone knows you two are together. He has said several times he doesn't want that right now. That is all you should focus on. Don't prolong the relationship for any reason if you aren't completely happy, which you have made clear you aren't. You went on the vacation you guys already had planned, now you are free to end the relationship. The sooner you end it the sooner you can move on and be happy with someone new.

[Tasha49]

If you wanted to hear what you already think is the situation, then why do you keep coming back? All you are doing is reinforcing what people already think, really. I could easily rebut every single point you just made, but it would be a waste of my time because you don't want to hear it. FWIW, I don't think he's just not into you at all. I think he's just not into you enough.

 

You don't need advice. You already decided that you wanted to break up with him. What exactly are you looking for? Justification? Support? Empathy? I don't get it.

 

I have already said he is into me, and that it just isn't enough for what I want and what he wants. He enjoys being with me but isn't ready to "be with me." I think he assumes that I will keep accepting what we are. Because the two or three times I have ended it he always got me to come right back. He doesn't think I have it in me to walk for good. But I have taken so much unfairness the only way to get over it is to leave it behind.

 

People just keep posting that he isn't interested in me at all nor does he even like me but just keeps me around for sex. That is clearly not anything like it. I just get frustrated when people just throw some one sentence answer out and when I disagree they tell me I am in denial. As if they know anything. I appreciate advice but only advice that is more than one line and kind of judgemental.

 

And nowhere in this thread have I said I want to know why he won't commit. I made this specific thread to see why a guy would do that. And just that. I never needed help understanding about my entire situation and what I should do. I already know what I need to about that specifically. I was just curious why a guy would do what I put into the title of this tread...

 

But thank you, I liked this response

[Tasha49]

The problem doesn't seem to be whether or not he cares about you. You know he cares about you. The problem is you both want different things. You want an exclusive, public relationship where everyone knows you two are together. He has said several times he doesn't want that right now. That is all you should focus on. Don't prolong the relationship for any reason if you aren't completely happy, which you have made clear you aren't. You went on the vacation you guys already had planned, now you are free to end the relationship. The sooner you end it the sooner you can move on and be happy with someone new.

 

THANK you! Some actual understanding of my situation. At least somebody read SOMEthing...

 

But you are right. And I guess that is all that it comes down to. I want more but he is content with our relationship. Since all his drunk shenanigans with drunk girls, he has sworn up and down he will never do it again amd he doesn't want to lose me. He looked thoughtful about it and seemed sincerely sorry, but I still have trust issues due to him technically being single at parties.

 

What a mess. But I will clean it up.

[DuskCrush]

If he doesnt want you to be his girlfriend, he doesnt like you.

Im sure his face is lighting up and his eyes are twinkling for all those girls at his parties and the others he is sleeping with...Dont listen to his boss or his friends...they will lie for him. Tasha,right now your bargaining with yourself...you're looking at tiny irrelevant details and missing the bigger picture.

 

It's in really poor taste, that you berate us for not telling you want you want to hear...what is it exactly that you want to hear? Do you want us to say: sure he doesnt want you as a girlfriend, sleeps with out women, and doesnt invite you to his parties but he loves and cares for you...No he doesnt. We cant tell you that because its just plain stupid. Good luck though, I feel for you. I hope you find your way through the denial and have a better relationship soon.

[Star Gazer]

THANK you! Some actual understanding of my situation. At least somebody read SOMEthing...

 

We are reading. We just have a very different interpretation of the situation than you do. (And FTR, Bridgey's opinion is identical to many of ours'...)

 

But if you want to be all snarky about it, I'm sure many of us will be more than happy to discontinue trying to help you.

[Kamille]

And the parties are not only with students. Some are even underaged and high school drop outs. Most of the people are stoners and just looking to get drunk and have a good time. His friends already know that I am not in college and they do not care and told me to take my time. He himself even told me that he didn't care if I was in college or not. So it is not an issue and nothing to do with not committing.

 

My first thought when reading the reading the OP was that there was other girls. You confirmed there are other girls and that you're basically okay with it.

 

So my second thought was this: at his parties he likely does drugs he doesn't want you to know about. Is that possible?

 

Finally, I agree the issue has little to do with his interest level and everything to do with your own limits. It also has to do with your capacity to know how to best take care of yourself. One thing is clear, no matter how into you he is, he isn't putting your feelings and your best interest first. If this relationship makes you happy as it is, than proceed. If this relationship is poisoning your life, you need to put your own well-being first and leave. Your responsibility is to yourself.

[Tasha49]

Alright listen people... you're all gonna see what you see I guess. And I can't change that. But I know from when we are together that he IS into me. You would truly have to be me in order to even see it from my side. But none of you are ever going to understand, because this is not your situation. And that is fine if none of you believe me. But this is pointless if none of you really understand.

 

There are a few movies where there is a couple living together and the girl wants an engagement, or marriage. And the guy makes it clear that he does not want that and is not ready. It doesn't mean he does not love her it just means that they are not meeting in the middle, and both of their ideals differ. She may look at it like he doesn't truly care about her or that he doesn't love her if he can't make the sacrifice. But from his side he knows what his feelings are but the things she wants are too much for him at the given moment. And that is more or less what my situation is. He cares for me but not enough to remove whatever issues he has with committing. And it isn't that it is ME he isn't into. He doesn't want to get that involved with anyone at all, because he is content with what he's doing for the moment. Just because I am not happy, he does not want to be unhappy in order to make me happy. None of us are going to find a common ground because we both want different things. Perhaps he assumes I will eventually just deal with unhappiness until we can both eventually be happier and want the same thing.

 

Bottom line is that one of us has to do something about it, and it will be me. Because I would rather be happy than to be sad while waiting until he is happy. So whether he is into me or not is not important. It won't matter anyway since I am moving on. But why would I try so hard to convince you guys that he does like me if it doesn't even matter since I am walking away anyway? Not because i am blind. But because it is true. I have no care at all whether he likes me or not since I give up. But I am just trying to tell everyone what the relationship actually existed of. It wasn't fake emotion or forced emotion. It was all there. That is why he confuses me in terms of not matching his behavior with a commitment. Even everyone around me is puzzled. Even the ones who dislike him know he likes me. That is why they dislike him... because he won't act on it and is hurting me in the process.

 

Please know that I appreciate the advice and everyone's opinion. There were just some I couldn't even take into consideration because they weren't accurate. I still genuinely thank you anyway.

[Star Gazer]

There are a few movies where there is a couple living together and the girl wants an engagement, or marriage. And the guy makes it clear that he does not want that...

 

Movies are works of fiction. They are fantasy.

[Tasha49]

My first thought when reading the reading the OP was that there was other girls. You confirmed there are other girls and that you're basically okay with it.

 

So my second thought was this: at his parties he likely does drugs he doesn't want you to know about. Is that possible?

 

Finally, I agree the issue has little to do with his interest level and everything to do with your own limits. It also has to do with your capacity to know how to best take care of yourself. One thing is clear, no matter how into you he is, he isn't putting your feelings and your best interest first. If this relationship makes you happy as it is, than proceed. If this relationship is poisoning your life, you need to put your own well-being first and leave. Your responsibility is to yourself.

 

Drugs is not at all the reason. He used to invite me to parties all the time. Back when we first started getting to know each other. But now not so much, and it just bugs me I guess.

 

He did come out of a 6 year relationship a bit over a year ago. She controlled him and demanded him to never go to any parties without her. She made him wear a ring so that girls would get the hint. So they thought he was engaged or married which neither were the case. So he never experienced the party life single. Maybe now that he can, he is getting everything he can out of it whils he can. Maybe he thinks that I will start telling him not to go to parties or that he shouldn't go.

 

I have no idea. But whatever he is doing I don't care to be a part of. It makes me upset and sad so why bother giving my all when he is only giving half of his?