Is it normal if a guy you're seeing never invites you to his parties?

[Tasha49]

Movies are works of fiction. They are fantasy.

 

Sadly so. But still, there are PLENTY of couples in real life like that.

[mo mo]

why are you still posting about this guy? I thought the last thread was the last one..

 

you aren't really gonna let him go are you? If you were, you'd have no need to understand the things he does. You need to move on to someone that is healthier for you.

[dispatch3d]

Dump.

 

Date guys who treat you right. Asshats who don't invite you to their parties, don't take you out with their friends, etc. **** that noise.

 

Why you choose to sit there, put up with this ****, and be angry instead of just cutting things off and getting with a quality guy is beyond me.

[Yookie]

Tasha49 you remind me of a battered woman who sits there with a black eye, busted lip, bloody nose and broken arm saying, "But I know he loves me!"

 

Your wounds are emotional but just as detrimental.

[Tasha49]

Comparing me to someone who has beaten me is ridiculous. This is nothing like that and if that happened I would never stay.

 

I don't care if he loves me... anymore. I have already said that, since I am leaving. I was just trying to convince people that they don't seenit like it is because they are behind a computer screen. Who cares if he loves me or not? I don't.

[Tasha49]

why are you still posting about this guy? I thought the last thread was the last one..

 

you aren't really gonna let him go are you? If you were, you'd have no need to understand the things he does. You need to move on to someone that is healthier for you.

 

The last thread WAS the last. It said "last about THIS ever." And I was talking about asking what I should do about it in the previous threads. This one, all I was asking is why a guy would do that to a girl he likes.

[MarlyStar]

But I have taken so much unfairness the only way to get over it is to leave it behind.

 

I was just curious why a guy would do what I put into the title of this tread...

 

So you listed all the ways he likes you, how about listing all the ways he's unfair or unkind to you, such as ditching you at a party without a ride home to go have sex with another girl...or cheating on you with other women...or refusing to invite you to his parties when he knows you want to be there...

 

You don't write you've put up with unfairness, you write you've put up with SO MUCH unfairness.

 

His actions are not that of a man who is crazy about you, or even one who loves you (even if he says he does while looking into you eyes). You can convince yourself all you want he lights up just for you, but frankly there are people who just do. There's guy at my work who's famous for it. Don't know how he does it but he just makes every woman he knows feel special and wonderful. His name is Rick and they call him Rick-alicious. In fact today he and I had a short conversation and at the end he winked at me. Very few men could pull it off, but he did and I left grinning--and it was absolutely utterly completely meaningless. If I were inexperienced, I might build something of it. But the guy's been happily married for 25 years. He's just chamring and makes every woman he knows feel special.

 

So what if he talks big talk about taking you to Colombia and on cruies and whatever. He can't afford it, isn't going to do it and it's all just cheap talk. Meaningles talk. But you take it seriously. It must mean something.

 

List all the ways he's SO MUCH UNFAIR to you, not just unfair, but so much unfair (your own words).

 

You know the answer to the question in your title--no, it's not normal not to invite the girl you love to your parties. It is normal however to exclude one whose second string, very normal.

 

What kind of a life do you have? You don't go to school, so I assume you work, but probably not at anything too interesting or challenging. You mention his friends, his roommates, his family and what they think and feel--what about your own. Do you have friends and family and roommates of your own? How about parties of your own? Have you gone on vacation since you've known him without him or his family?

 

And really, please do list all the unfairness you've had to take.

[MarlyStar]

There are a few movies where there is a couple living together and the girl wants an engagement, or marriage. And the guy makes it clear that he does not want that and is not ready. It doesn't mean he does not love her it just means that they are not meeting in the middle, and both of their ideals differ. ... And that is more or less what my situation is.

.

 

Romantic comedies are not real life--they are make believe designed to feed women's fantasies to make money.

 

Somebody above made a good point. You are back from your vacation--how come you haven't broken up with him yet?

[MarlyStar]

This one, all I was asking is why a guy would do that to a girl he likes.

 

Because he doesn't like her as much as she thinks he does.

 

If you had a better answer you would not have started this thread.

[Tasha49]

My friends who him and I both work with in the beginning all told me he liked me and there was no doubt about it. I refused to believe them because I thought he was really attractive and I thought no way could he like me (My self esteem sucks even though I am attractive myself). But he got my number from the staff list and started calling me and texting me all ghe time and we hung out quite often at the point. Nonstop even. And it still is like that. So my friends (Marlystar), all saw how into me he was before I ever saw it. And when I started including my friends in hang out time with him they all especially saw the way he acted around me and told me there coupd be no mistaking him liking me a lot. And you know... to this day the look is still there. He isn't a charmer to all women trust me. He sucks at flirting (he tried to flirt with me in the beginning but he was dorky rather than sly). He has his friendly face around everyone but when it comes to me... I am the ONLY one he acts that way around. Even his roommates tell me they sense the way he looks at me. Even when I am not looking at him I can see him light up in the corners of my eyes.

 

So in terms of MY friends and family... well they all really wanted us to be together because we both obviously had chemistry. It was when he started telling me he didn't want a relationship when my friends and family started to dislike him. But never once did he stop acting the way he always has around me. So he didn't lose interest. He even told his mom all about me a month after we met. And he still tells her things about me. If I wasn't important to him why involve his mom? He could've just kept me a secret and never introduced me at all...

 

He has done crappy things to me. Many. But it still does not mean he doesn't have ANY feelings for me. Why keep someone around you don't like? It sure as hell isn't about the sex...

 

When we go out together to the clubs, he is all over me and never dances with anyone else. He is all over me usually and it is like he is proud of me. He always gets upset when I dress sexy because he hates men hitting on me. It never fails. Then he tells them to back off and that I am his girl.

 

Like I said already... I downright do not feel that he doesn't like me. It is easy for you guys to say because you are not here to witness anything. How come not a single person I know believes that he doesn't love me. Even people who don't like him! My friend and co-worker can't stand how he hasn't committed yet. And she tells me to "kick his ass to the curb." But even though she knows I deserve better, she told me it was also just odd since he obviously cares about me. She just tells me he cares more about himself. And that he will want me in the end... but that it will be AFTER he has had all his fun first. Which is not right. And... she is right. It isn't.

 

But I mean really, men... would you keep a girl around who didn't give you sex a whole lot at all? Would you keep her around if you didn't like her? Why would you even bother spending so much money on someone you didn't care for. Or introducing them to your family? Would you tell a girl constantly you love her, if it wasn't true?He isn't saying it to keep me hooked. I already told him before he ever said it that it was fine and that i would learn to live with it. So why?Please just HONESTLY think about all of that. He brings me around his friends and they know about our situation. Just because it is obvious that I am not just a friend. And he knows they know too. But why would he bring me around if he didn't care about me at all?

[Tasha49]

Romantic comedies are not real life--they are make believe designed to feed women's fantasies to make money.

 

Somebody above made a good point. You are back from your vacation--how come you haven't broken up with him yet?

 

I have already said why...

 

Because even though he doesn't deserve for me to be as nice as I am about this... I am still not rude enough to end it directly after we came back from a vacation he invited me on and paid for 70% of. I don't want to just say "Thanks but bye now I am moving on." I don't have the nerve or desire to do that. It is mean.

 

It hasn't even been a week after the vacation. I can't end it on that kind of note. I will wait about a week more. It is just how I would like to deal with it. Yes, it will be done and yes it will be very soon. But I want to do it the way I feel best.

[bellabella]

Hi Tasha

 

I've read your threads with interest. A couple of years ago i was involved with a guy (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t207072/) who obviously cared very much for me, slept with me, but didn't want commitment. To be fair to him, he called the physical side off, but remained in CONSTANT contact with me, which was all together very confusing as he was basically treating me like a girlfriend without the sex.

 

It turned out later on he was in love with me, but scared and couldn't deal with it, he likes contact, he likes companionship but was unable to commit. Maybe your man will come round, maybe he won't - but it took me genuinely moving on (not just pretending) until he admitted his feelings.

 

Pretty much all responses to my thread were that he wanted a FWB, which was not the case, it was obvious to me how much he cared, he even called off the physical side because of it. To me, it sounds like your man cares, but, for whatever reason, cannot commit, and it's really not fair on you to continue, so well done in making the decision to move on.

 

As an update, I am still friends with him, very good friends in fact, and he contacts me regularly. We still pursue a joint interest, as does his new girlfriend and my fiance, so we often all meet up. I am completely in love with my fiance and very happy, i don't think this would have been the case if i'd held out for orginal guy.

 

Good luck!

[Nexus One]

Tasha, I've kind of been following your thread, but you seem to be very much focusing on the fact that he has feelings for you, but rarely mentioning the fact that those feelings aren't strong enough for him to even respect you up to a point that he wouldn't have sex with other women.

 

This will probably hurt a lot, but it's the most straight forward way to put it. He doesn't love you enough, doesn't respect you enough and his words fade into insignificance when they're overruled by his deeds.

 

It's true that nobody here knows him, but the deeds you describe are conclusive. A genuine guy that is truly head over heels with a woman wouldn't risk losing her or hurting her by sleeping with other women.

 

You've kind of been defending him, but in my opinion your focus is off. It's not the feelings that he did have for you that are the point. The point is that they aren't strong enough, far from it. Not even strong enough to respect you enough to not sleep with other women.

 

It's something very feeble you seem to clamp onto. It's like you're trying to catch fog in a jar. People who see someone trying to catch fog in a jar and see them clamping onto it very tightly will feel bad for that person, that's kind of the feeling I got when reading your thread. As if you were trying to clamp onto something that was barely there.

Edited August 5, 2011 by Nexus One

[MarlyStar]

He has done crappy things to me. Many. But it still does not mean he doesn't have ANY feelings for me. Why keep someone around you don't like? It sure as hell isn't about the sex..... But why would he bring me around if he didn't care about me at all?

 

Nobody said he doesn't care about you AT ALL. Nobody's said he doesn't have ANY feelings for you. You've been told he doesn't care about you very much, or he doesn't care about you enough or some version of that. And you respond with some version of, "Well, I reject what you say because you are telling me he doesn't care one itty bitty iota about me, and I know he does care. You don't know what you are tallking about."

 

Yes, he does care one itty bitty iota for you, or some indefinable small quantity for you. Agreed. He cares for you 15% and you've convinced yourself he cares for you 80% and when you are told it's only 15% you say, "I can't listen to you because you are telling me he cares for me 0, zero, zilch, nada, and you are WRONG, so nothing you say is valid".

 

You are playing a fantasy game with yourself.

[dispatch3d]

My friends who him and I both work with in the beginning all told me he liked me and there was no doubt about it. I refused to believe them because I thought he was really attractive and I thought no way could he like me (My self esteem sucks even though I am attractive myself).

 

then a bunch more words.

 

 

Are you getting what you want out of this relationship?

 

You aren't. You definitely aren't. I don't even think you are delusional enough to think that.

 

So why?

 

The fact of the matter is, you both want things in a relationship. In this relationship, he gets EVERYTHING he wants and you get whatever he feels he's okay giving you. That's not a ****ing relationship.

 

If one of my friends did something that was this emotionally unhealthy, and would refuse to stop, I'd probably stop being friends with them. Just to show them how much this bothers me.

 

Move on to new pastures. You can get better, you deserve better, you'll find better.

[dispatch3d]

Here read this: http://www.theattractionforums.com/best-forum/131416-list-attitudes-behaviors-i-do-not-tolerate-recommend-you-dont-either.html

 

It's actually meant for guys, is from a pickup forum, but seriously get over it.

 

I actually had a hard time reading it. Not because I disagreed with the guy, but because I thought about all the times I was treated like that, and I didn't stand up for myself while being treated like that. That is your problem. You aren't standing up for yourself, and you're paying the price. Learn how to say no.

[Kamille]

Because even though he doesn't deserve for me to be as nice as I am about this... I am still not rude enough to end it directly after we came back from a vacation he invited me on and paid for 70% of. I don't want to just say "Thanks but bye now I am moving on." I don't have the nerve or desire to do that. It is mean.

 

 

Leaving you stranded at a party to leave with another woman is mean.

 

Not inviting you to his parties is mean.

 

Why is it okay for him to be mean - but not for you?

[dispatch3d]

You have to realize this crap doesn't reflect poorly on you at all. He's the ****ing asshat. You don't see me here giving you **** for your behaviour. His behaviour is SO FAR outside the realm of acceptable. The only mistake you're making is putting up with that crap. Tell the guy to take a hike.

[Tasha49]

Tasha, I've kind of been following your thread, but you seem to be very much focusing on the fact that he has feelings for you, but rarely mentioning the fact that those feelings aren't strong enough for him to even respect you up to a point that he wouldn't have sex with other women.

 

This will probably hurt a lot, but it's the most straight forward way to put it. He doesn't love you enough, doesn't respect you enough and his words fade into insignificance when they're overruled by his deeds.

 

It's true that nobody here knows him, but the deeds you describe are conclusive. A genuine guy that is truly head over heels with a woman wouldn't risk losing her or hurting her by sleeping with other women.

 

You've kind of been defending him, but in my opinion your focus is off. It's not the feelings that he did have for you that are the point. The point is that they aren't strong enough, far from it. Not even strong enough to respect you enough to not sleep with other women.

 

It's something very feeble you seem to clamp onto. It's like you're trying to catch fog in a jar. People who see someone trying to catch fog in a jar and see them clamping onto it very tightly will feel bad for that person, that's kind of the feeling I got when reading your thread. As if you were trying to clamp onto something that was barely there.

 

Thank you Nexus. I actually agree completely with you. In fact I have already said what you have said. I already came to the realization that he cares for me and yes, even loves me in his own way. However, I have already said it isn't enough to respect my needs. It isn't enough, because I have stronger feelings and will never treat him unfairly.

 

Because of the fact that he does not care for me enough and may not until I completely become miserable... THAT is why I am moving on. And I have already told people this. That is why I don't care whether he is deeply i. Love with me, or not. Because I am ending it anyway so caring is not a factor anymore. Yes it hurts because I feel like this could turn into something really good. But who knows when that will actually happen.

 

I am not focused anymore on how he feels. I haven't been in a while, but the reason I seemed so focused was because the advice i was given did not factor in everything. I needed opinions of people who would see the entore picture.

You said it perfectly.

[dreamingoftigers]

So when are you ending it then?

[WhyWontYouBe]

He doesn't love you enough, doesn't respect you enough and his words fade into insignificance when they're overruled by his deeds.

 

 

Very well said Nexus One, very well said...

[Tasha49]

Nobody said he doesn't care about you AT ALL. Nobody's said he doesn't have ANY feelings for you. You've been told he doesn't care about you very much, or he doesn't care about you enough or some version of that. And you respond with some version of, "Well, I reject what you say because you are telling me he doesn't care one itty bitty iota about me, and I know he does care. You don't know what you are tallking about."

 

Yes, he does care one itty bitty iota for you, or some indefinable small quantity for you. Agreed. He cares for you 15% and you've convinced yourself he cares for you 80% and when you are told it's only 15% you say, "I can't listen to you because you are telling me he cares for me 0, zero, zilch, nada, and you are WRONG, so nothing you say is valid".

 

You are playing a fantasy game with yourself.

 

No. Maybe ONE or two people said that he was interested in me but not in the way that I am into him. The majority said "If he was into you... he would commit." And everytime I would say that he may not be in love with me... people said for me to quit being in denial and that he wasn't even interested in me at all and just using me for sex... or a time filler.

[Tasha49]

So when are you ending it then?

 

In about a week or so. I can't bear to be in it anymore.

[Tasha49]

You have to realize this crap doesn't reflect poorly on you at all. He's the ****ing asshat. You don't see me here giving you **** for your behaviour. His behaviour is SO FAR outside the realm of acceptable. The only mistake you're making is putting up with that crap. Tell the guy to take a hike.

 

Thank you! I plan on it. But in a slightly nicer way

[Eternal Sunshine]

Tasha, you seem to be indulging yourself into emotional thinking when you need some cold, hard logic.

 

Some examples from my own life:

 

I recently got cheated on by my now ex boyfriend. When we were together, ALL my friends were constantly telling me how obvious it is that he is crazy in love with me and how much he adores me. HE was telling me that too. They all saw how he "lights up" when we are together and how we are meant for each other. But then he cheated on me. When that happened, a boundary in my head has been violated. It was over. I could have fallen back into emotional thinking "but all our friends think he adores me so it must be true" NOT. Cold, hard logic: he cheated on me. All his further actions (and he pulled out all the stops in begging me to come back) became irrelevant.

 

Cold, hard logic in your case: he cheated on you AND he doesn't want commitment. Any one of those would be enough to end it. Yet, you choose to fixate on irrelevant details. Do you truly want to live in this state of torment any further? The sooner you end it, the closer you are to finding a guy who doesn't cheat and wants commitment. You deserve to be happy Tasha.