Is it normal if a guy you're seeing never invites you to his parties?

[Tasha49]

Like I already said, ES... i am getting out and see no further reason to stay. Most of the people around me tell me he will probably come after me and realize that for once I am serious about it and he may not want to lose me. But I doubt it.

 

Once again... I AM getting out.

[Star Gazer]

Is there a reason why you have been saying you "ARE" ending it for 3 days, but haven't actually, well, ended it? Actions speak louder than words.

[Tasha49]

As already said... I am too nice of a person to come back from vacation and immediately end it. No matter what anyone thinks as far as him not deserving anything at this point, I want to deal with it the way I want to. And no, it isn't because I am trying to buy more time. I am not crazy. I just have respect.

 

At this point I will not accept anything other than a commitment. I mean am I selfish for wanting someone to show they love me the way I love them? Or for them not to be afraid to treat me like a girlfriend around other people? I don't really think it is much to ask. And clearly he is afrqid of that =\

[Tasha49]

Hi Tasha

 

I've read your threads with interest. A couple of years ago i was involved with a guy (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t207072/) who obviously cared very much for me, slept with me, but didn't want commitment. To be fair to him, he called the physical side off, but remained in CONSTANT contact with me, which was all together very confusing as he was basically treating me like a girlfriend without the sex.

 

It turned out later on he was in love with me, but scared and couldn't deal with it, he likes contact, he likes companionship but was unable to commit. Maybe your man will come round, maybe he won't - but it took me genuinely moving on (not just pretending) until he admitted his feelings.

 

Pretty much all responses to my thread were that he wanted a FWB, which was not the case, it was obvious to me how much he cared, he even called off the physical side because of it. To me, it sounds like your man cares, but, for whatever reason, cannot commit, and it's really not fair on you to continue, so well done in making the decision to move on.

 

As an update, I am still friends with him, very good friends in fact, and he contacts me regularly. We still pursue a joint interest, as does his new girlfriend and my fiance, so we often all meet up. I am completely in love with my fiance and very happy, i don't think this would have been the case if i'd held out for orginal guy.

 

Good luck!

 

Very interesting. Thank you for the input it is helpful And that does sound like my situation. It is so weird how some people are, like these two guys. And like you said the one I am with clearly does not want FWB but a lot of people say he does. They don't know our relationship though. And ai mean I don't blame them for seeing what they see but it really isn't the case.

 

I am not sure how this is going to end. All I know is that it has to. Maybe he will actually commit but maybe not. I can't give my hopes up. But I can't say I wouldn't enter a relationship in the future with him if he was finally ready.

[Tasha49]

As a sidenote: My jeep is having problems and so he let me use his car for work and his car is his baby. I don't think a guy would gladly lend his car out for someone he didn't trust or care about He has done this many times for me.

[Rita86]

Lol ok if that's enough for you to believe that he loves you

[Tasha49]

Lol ok if that's enough for you to believe that he loves you

 

I didn't say that was the only reason NOR did I say he must love me if he lets me use his car. I said it shows he "trusts and cares" about me. And more than that of someone who was just not interested.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think that you are hoping to hear: He loves you so therefore you should stay with him

[Tasha49]

I think that you are hoping to hear: He loves you so therefore you should stay with him

 

You aren't getting anything I post. I would be an idiot if I thought I should stay with him. And I knew with all of my topics that not a soul would tell me to stay. I was looking for an explanation.

 

So no, I am not hoping for people to tell me he loves me and that I should remain here. He doesn't love me enough for staying to be worth it. He loves me in a whole other way.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You aren't getting anything I post. I would be an idiot if I thought I should stay with him. And I knew with all of my topics that not a soul would tell me to stay. I was looking for an explanation.

 

So no, I am not hoping for people to tell me he loves me and that I should remain here. He doesn't love me enough for staying to be worth it. He loves me in a whole other way.

 

I think that you are just not being honest with yourself.

 

If what you are saying is true, you would break up with him right now. Yet, you want to wait another week, and then probably another one and so on. And no, I don't buy your excuse that it's not polite to do it now.

 

Also, for someone that wants to end it, you are doing a hell of a job trying to defend the fact that he really loves you. When you truly want to end it, the fact that he loves you 10% or 80% becomes irrelevant. He can't give you what you need, that's all that matters here.

[Tasha49]

I think that you are just not being honest with yourself.

 

If what you are saying is true, you would break up with him right now. Yet, you want to wait another week, and then probably another one and so on. And no, I don't buy your excuse that it's not polite to do it now.

 

Also, for someone that wants to end it, you are doing a hell of a job trying to defend the fact that he really loves you. When you truly want to end it, the fact that he loves you 10% or 80% becomes irrelevant. He can't give you what you need, that's all that matters here.

 

My goodness. I DONT CARE IF HE LIKES ME OR NOT. let us make that clear. I already said I don't care now. He does like me and love me in his own way yes. But I don't care as I have said many times. Because it isn't enough.

 

And I am ending it as well as I have said forty times. For you to believe me or not is your problem. Just because I am a nice person and still care about his feelings doesn't make it wrong for me to wait after a nice vacation. I don't want to look like I used him. And that is that. It is who I am and how ai am choosing to close this off. No other way is going to satisfy me. I am not throwing a year and a half away with a stupid closure. I want to do it in the way I feel is most right or I will not be happy and it will bother me.

 

You think I am going to keep allowing my feelings to be hurt over and over? Do I have such little self worth to allow that? Most surely not. I am 80% sad and 20% content. You tell me... would I allow that to play out for another year and a half? Nope.

[Kamille]

I am a nice person. I seriously believe 90% of the people who know me would tell you I am genuinely nice. Nice is my mojo. I think life is made much easier for everyone when people show a little care for everyone else.

 

And yet, I don't think it's nice to stay with someone when you're planning on ending things. I don't think it's nice to lead people on. I certainly wouldn't borrow my bf's car if I was planning on ending things with him.

 

To me, being nice is being honest. So, either your definition of nice includes lying to people you say you care for, or your desire to be nice is your alibi, one that allows you to remain in relationship limbo.

 

The fact you borrowed the car is, to me, the clear sign that you're using the trip as an excuse. I think the issue is within you. I think this is a case of "Better the devil you know". You're scared of what your life would be without him. You know this man isn't treating you right and isn't giving you what you need - and yet, you're attached to having him in your life. So, instead of ripping the bandaid off, you're finding excuses to prolong this sweet torture.

 

That choice is yours. Obviously, many people here would like you to have the strength to put yourself first. I would like to see you put being nice to yourself ahead of being nice to someone who thinks nothing of cheating on you. But the choice is yours. Please know this: there are men out there who would love to treat you right.

[Tasha49]

I am a nice person. I seriously believe 90% of the people who know me would tell you I am genuinely nice. Nice is my mojo. I think life is made much easier for everyone when people show a little care for everyone else.

 

And yet, I don't think it's nice to stay with someone when you're planning on ending things. I don't think it's nice to lead people on. I certainly wouldn't borrow my bf's car if I was planning on ending things with him.

 

To me, being nice is being honest. So, either your definition of nice includes lying to people you say you care for, or your desire to be nice is your alibi, one that allows you to remain in relationship limbo.

 

The fact you borrowed the car is, to me, the clear sign that you're using the trip as an excuse. I think the issue is within you. I think this is a case of "Better the devil you know". You're scared of what your life would be without him. You know this man isn't treating you right and isn't giving you what you need - and yet, you're attached to having him in your life. So, instead of ripping the bandaid off, you're finding excuses to prolong this sweet torture.

 

That choice is yours. Obviously, many people here would like you to have the strength to put yourself first. I would like to see you put being nice to yourself ahead of being nice to someone who thinks nothing of cheating on you. But the choice is yours. Please know this: there are men out there who would love to treat you right.

 

Borrowing his car was long ago. I have a different vehicle now. I am not leading him on. In fact I even warned him BEFORE the vacation that he may not want to bring me because I don't think I will be able to go through with things much longer when we get back. He took me anyway...

 

We haven't hung out much because he is working different hours than me. But you could be right. I guess in a way I am not being nice either if I prolong it. I'll probably end up seeing him cry but I will be sad for far longer than him.

 

And thank you. I know My feelings should come first. I just don't want this to be a bigger mess than it should.

[Tasha49]

Oh. I see where you would've assumed I was currently borrowing his car. I meant my jeep WAS having troubles. Not IS.

[Spices]

I read the entire thread and all I can say is... he sounds like a stereotypical Colombian dude.

 

I know a lot of Colombian men & they're all like that. Womanizers. It's part of the culture. Don't let their charisma, passionately romantic & emotional ways fool you. It's also not unusual to see them cry & act like divas when you try to end things.

[Star Gazer]

Also, for someone that wants to end it, you are doing a hell of a job trying to defend the fact that he really loves you. When you truly want to end it, the fact that he loves you 10% or 80% becomes irrelevant. He can't give you what you need, that's all that matters here.

 

Agreed. Tasha, you keep saying, "I don't care, but he DOES love me. But I don't care if he does, but you should know that he DOES love me, and here are all the ways that prove it."

 

If you were emotionally checked out, if you really wanted to end it, whether the LS community believes that he loves you or likes you, whether "enough" or "at all," would be completely, 100% irrelevant. He could be screaming from the rooftops and begging at your door (which he's not), but it still wouldn't matter. You'd be done. Finito. You'd have ended it by now.

 

You're hanging on...

 

I don't think it's nice to stay with someone when you're planning on ending things. I don't think it's nice to lead people on.

 

To me, being nice is being honest. So, either your definition of nice includes lying to people you say you care for, or your desire to be nice is your alibi, one that allows you to remain in relationship limbo.

 

I would like to see you put being nice to yourself ahead of being nice to someone who thinks nothing of cheating on you.

 

Agreed. It's not nice to stay with someone you plan on dumping, even for another day. It's not nice to lead him on. It's not nice to lie to him about your intentions, even by omission. It's not nice to use an excuse as an alibi.

 

Even with a guy who's been cheating on you, and clearly not worth a minute more of your time.

 

Put yourself first, and end it - NOW.

[stillafool]

OP, when I was younger I went through what you are going through now with a guy. He would spend time with me, went on trips together, introduced me to his family and they too liked me; but he also had parties that I wasn't invited to. I was young and pretty as well. Guess what, he had another gf (one he planned to marry and did) who was at those parties he didn't want me to attend. What I didn't understand was why he even told me about the parties at all if he wasn't going to invite me. Please, don't fool yourself, you are not in a relationship with this guy. If you were he would invite you to stay over and help him with the party.

[Tasha49]

OP, when I was younger I went through what you are going through now with a guy. He would spend time with me, went on trips together, introduced me to his family and they too liked me; but he also had parties that I wasn't invited to. I was young and pretty as well. Guess what, he had another gf (one he planned to marry and did) who was at those parties he didn't want me to attend. What I didn't understand was why he even told me about the parties at all if he wasn't going to invite me. Please, don't fool yourself, you are not in a relationship with this guy. If you were he would invite you to stay over and help him with the party.

 

I never said we were in a relationship. I am not fooling myself or any other person here. That is why I am done.

 

He doe not have time for a gf when he spends 80% of his time mixed with working and being with me. Calling/texting me all day every day.

[Tasha49]

Star Gazer-

 

I am working on putting myself first. And I am not buying more time. I am trying to plan it out so that I am satisfied in the end.

[Spices]

He's playing you. Plain & simple.

[WeatherMe]

I really do hope you end things with this guy. Have a friend going through the same garbage right now. Only her bf won't introduce her to his friends period. She refuses to end things and every time I see her she looks a little worse. Good luck to you, I have no advice, all the great advice has been given and essentially ignored. We all deserve what we want but if we settle for this kind of crap then IMO you sort of get what you deserve, at what point does it become your own fault? Fool me once...

[dispatch3d]

As already said... I am too nice of a person to come back from vacation and immediately end it. No matter what anyone thinks as far as him not deserving anything at this point, I want to deal with it the way I want to. And no, it isn't because I am trying to buy more time. I am not crazy. I just have respect.

 

At this point I will not accept anything other than a commitment. I mean am I selfish for wanting someone to show they love me the way I love them? Or for them not to be afraid to treat me like a girlfriend around other people? I don't really think it is much to ask. And clearly he is afraid of that =\

 

Look, this guy isn't ready to settle down. Right now he just wants to have sex with a lot of hot women. You need to move on to a guy that wants relationships. You two have had over a year to work this out, it hasn't happened. I think assuming you can go in and say something that will change his behaviour is unrealistic. Think of how long he's probably been behaving this way (years obviously), how many woman have attempted such a thing, etc. Trust me, just find someone else to like.

[MarlyStar]

I never said we were in a relationship.

 

Of course you are in a relationship with him. You talk to him every day per you and you travel with him and you make future plans and you've met his family and go to dinner and etc and etc and etc...

 

That's a relationship. It's not a healthy dating, loving relationship. It's a bad unhealthy exploitive relationship--but it's still a relationship.

 

If you didn't have a relationship, you'd have nothing to 'break off'.

 

I am not fooling myself or any other person here.

 

Of course you are fooling yourself. The question is why? Why is it so vitally, essentially, primally important for you to believe he loves you so and that--in your own words--you are PERFECT for each other.

 

Your belief that you are perfect for each other is you fooling yourself.

 

 

That is why I am done.

 

I don't believe you are done. I believe you are going to do a drama queen break up, hoping for crying and pleading, and will hold out just a little bit longer than the last few times you broke up with him, and then go back to status quo. Because he really does love you, just .... (fill in excuse of the month: needs more time, has to play the field a bit, needs to finish the semester, is recovering from his horrid ex, whatever).

 

He doe not have time for a gf when he spends 80% of his time mixed with working and being with me. Calling/texting me all day every day.

 

He clearly does have time. He's had 3 other women that you know about (and obviously others you don't). He has parties where you are excluded. He still has 20% of his life that isn't spent working or with you. It takes very few minutes a day to have a full texting relationship with others as well.

 

But I'm curious. How do you explain the fact that he excludes you from his parties when he knows you want to go with the fact that he LOVEs you so much? It's absolutely NOT loving behavior. It's very dismissive behavior, like abandoning you at a party ride-less to go off and boink another woman.

 

Some people have high pain threshholds. You have a high humiliation threshhold. You shouldn't.

[Tasha49]

Look, this guy isn't ready to settle down. Right now he just wants to have sex with a lot of hot women. You need to move on to a guy that wants relationships. You two have had over a year to work this out, it hasn't happened. I think assuming you can go in and say something that will change his behaviour is unrealistic. Think of how long he's probably been behaving this way (years obviously), how many woman have attempted such a thing, etc. Trust me, just find someone else to like.

 

He hasn't been like this for many years. That is only why i am puzzled. He just came out of a 6 year relationship.

 

He is now being spoiled. Realization hit him that now there isn't a girl controlling him telling him he can't go to parties because she doesn't trust other women. Or telling him that he can't go unless she is with him. Now that he is experiencing the party scene he is enjoying it and wondering how he missed it.

 

He doesn't party all the time. Hasn't in quite a long time. He isn't going around looking for sex. Not nearly enough time to do so. He is always with me. And working. The times he has hooked up he was trashed (a mutual friend tells me all the details). And although that is the dumbest excuse, at least he isn't sober which would make it a ton worse. Why people blame slip ups on alcohol is beyond me. I can get wasted and still know whether or not I should cross a line and misbehave. And if someone cannot control their sex drive when they are under the influence... if they cared maybe they should consider drinking less (him especially, if he claims to love me). So alcohol is not really a good excuse. But better than being a sober horn dog.

[Nexus One]

So alcohol is not really a good excuse. But better than being a sober horn dog.

 

Or worse or equally as bad, because even though in the back of their mind a drunk person might know what he/she is doing is wrong, they might still blame it on being drunk. So they'd use the alcohol as a scapegoat, instead of owning up to their responsibility.

 

If a girl ever cheats on me and blames it on alcohol, her odds for a second chance drop to a flat 0%. The odds for a second chance would already be very low, but that's besides the point. I'd be very disappointed in her character, first of all for cheating and second of all for not being mature enough to own up to her responsibility.

Edited August 8, 2011 by Nexus One