It still really hurts...

[pandagirl]

Loveshack, I'm frustrated. I can't get over the hurt of my break of almost a year ago

 

My ex basically cheated and left me for another girl (though he never admitted that to me). Now, I find out that he is moving in with that girl. I'm spinning.

 

I realize that we didn't work out. I realize that breakups happen and it's just part of life. And I realize that he wasn't the one for me. But it still causes me great pain to think about it.

 

Why is it after almost a year that he is happy and in a relationship with a girl who he is serious enough with the live with, while I've spent the last 11 months single, getting over him and dealing with the residual emotional wreckage. It just DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.

 

That insecure part of me thinks: Is she that much better than me? She must be. He left me for her. She has him. I have no one.

 

He never apologized, just sort of left me cold turkey, wondering what exactly went wrong. God, why does it still hurt?

[light_vader]

Hi there,

 

while I've spent the last 11 months single, getting over him and dealing with the residual emotional wreckage. It just DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.

Look, what makes you think this is a game of fairness?

I could say the same about my ex, since she started flirting with the guy she cheated me on with before we broke up, and now I have to see them all day at work.

 

But to be honest, why would we think this is about being "fair".

In all fairness... I was in a relationship with someone that was NOT in love with me anymore (if she ever was), seems the case is the same for you.

So we were basically with liars and fakers. Now they got somebody else, who knows if they'll self-improve and become better people or continue to be false all around. But who cares!

The important thing is that even if we might be alone for the time being, we are free from stupid relationships that were going nowhere, we were just sleeping our nights with emotionally disconnected people that were just playing with us.

 

So you think it's "not fair" that we have this chance to find somebody in the future that really deserves our respect, our care, and perhaps our love?

[smudge21]

You put your trust in him and he betrayed that trust - of course you're going to feel hurt and I would imagine everytime you think about him that same hurt will come back. You have to just accept that this guy wasn't the person you thought he was and now he's no longer your problem. So he's in a relationship, who says it's happy? How do you know what's really going on behind closed doors? Don't make those assumptions as you could quite easily think he's hurting his new partner just like he hurt you. He may be a serial cheater, destined to hurt people until it happens to him (and it will, it always does).

[shortee143]

I kow how you feel. After 5 months...the hurt (and some anger too) is what I carry the most. I have no idea how to get past it. I am not pining or a sobbing mess over him, I too understand breakups happen...however we have TONS of mutual friends and attend many of the same get togethers, so seeing him occurs at least once a month (sometimes with his new girl ugh). I have no idea how to look at him and not think of what he has done to me post break up (just a lot of disrespectful type stuff). Shaking the hurt is hard, and i have no idea how to do it, so I am in your same boat.

[Nohbody]

That feeling of being abandoned is terrible. You had a connection, and suddenly it was severed at the other end. You had no input, no say, and you were cut off. There is nothing between you now, and that's a hard truth to accept, but you have to cauterize your wounds and keep moving.

 

Remember: nothing cleanses quite like fire.

[carhill]

Well, it takes as long to heal as it does. You invested a lot of yourself and got over the HSV hump and were looking towards a bright future with a guy you loved and it went south. The aftermath (his other 'activities') can be looked at two ways, one as a betrayal or two as really good information.

 

By remaining celibate and reflecting upon the last decade, I was able to put together a lot of pieces from the M into a logical progression and now my exW's live-in BF makes more sense. Prior, I was thinking wtf, this is odd, but no more. It all makes sense. With 'sense', comes acceptance. The 'alone' time is worth it, IMO, whether for a year-long LTR or a decade long M. Processing time.

 

If you're stuck, get professional help. MC helped me a lot with tools to process and clarify, tools which were supposed to help save the M and improve it but ended up helping me process its death.

 

So, I'll give you a fatherly hug and opine that it'll get better. Even for us old timers, it gets better. It will for you too. Best wishes.

[pandagirl]

You put your trust in him and he betrayed that trust - of course you're going to feel hurt and I would imagine everytime you think about him that same hurt will come back. You have to just accept that this guy wasn't the person you thought he was and now he's no longer your problem. So he's in a relationship, who says it's happy? How do you know what's really going on behind closed doors? Don't make those assumptions as you could quite easily think he's hurting his new partner just like he hurt you. He may be a serial cheater, destined to hurt people until it happens to him (and it will, it always does).

 

Well, from the photos it seems happy, and the fact that they moved in together is sort of a HUGE deal for him. You're right though, I shouldn't make assumptions. It's neither here nor there. Plus, I know for a fact that he still frequently logs into the dating site where we met.

 

Well, it takes as long to heal as it does. You invested a lot of yourself and got over the HSV hump and were looking towards a bright future with a guy you loved and it went south. The aftermath (his other 'activities') can be looked at two ways, one as a betrayal or two as really good information.

 

Hi Carhill! I think this is where I'm faltering. I alternate between seeing it as good information and as betrayal.

 

Processing the information leads to acceptance, but then I can't get rid of the hurt, which makes me feel betrayed. I have gone months feeling more on the side of acceptance, but I always trip up over feeling incredible hurt and betrayed. Hopefully one day, the scales will tip to the more favorable side.

 

I think what I can't get over is that he really just dropped me. Breakups happen. I've been through them, but my past breakups have been done with sensitivity and respect. And here is someone who said we'd be together until we were old, talked about our kids, our future, etc... He couldn't even show compassion towards me. It was like, he just didn't want to deal with any of the "bad" feelings, shut me out and went to this other girl that made him feel "good."

 

I know his actions have nothing to do with me, and more with his capabilities as a person, but still -- the heart doesn't really know the difference.

[melenkurion]

L

Why is it after almost a year that he is happy and in a relationship with a girl who he is serious enough with the live with, while I've spent the last 11 months single, getting over him and dealing with the residual emotional wreckage. It just DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.

 

It says much more about him than it does about you. My ex-husband moved in with the guy he cheated on me within six months of leaving an eight year relationship. If I happen to think about it, I consider him crazy and needy, not lucky. Fortunately, I knew the Other Guy really well, and there's nothing that special about him compared to myself . It'll be the same with you: all she has is shiny newness, which is tarnishing rapidly. The chances are very high that he'll repeat the same mistakes he made with you, probably worse this time around. We repeat our patterns of behaviour until we make a conscious effort and reflect deeply.

 

But none of this matters. We are free of people who were no good. That is freedom.

[melenkurion]

He couldn't even show compassion towards me. It was like, he just didn't want to deal with any of the "bad" feelings, shut me out and went to this other girl that made him feel "good."

 

I know his actions have nothing to do with me, and more with his capabilities as a person, but still -- the heart doesn't really know the difference.

 

That's true, I do have the same feelings I can't deny. But they are fading. The rational thoughts will assert themselves more as the addiction loosens its grip. Your post makes clear you understand exactly why he has acted how he has acted, and as you say, it reflects badly on him. It shows him to be a coward. He won't change, unless he recognises that and makes positive steps to do so.

[Els]

The posters here have given you very good advice, OP.

 

I'd just like to chime in to say, time is still a great healer - it may be taking longer for you than him, but that's because you chose to do it in a way that takes more integrity and will lead to better personal growth and stronger character, as opposed to cheating. When you cheat, it is usually easier to be 'over' someone because there is someone else, who is not necessarily 'better' but just 'there'.

[Rockyb87]

wow pandagirl, i think me and u arent different at all, i too am 11 months and single. My ex well for i know shes with someone else the last i checked. It bothers me a little but i cant do anything about it, all i can do is continue on and if she needs somebody i'll be there for her. No one is better than you everyone is different, i tell myself that all the time. I have love for everyone. Anyway hopefully we'll both heal and it wont bother us this much like now.

 

O yea the funny thing bout ur name is my ex used the same name her name was Amanda, but on her screen name it was pandagirl but with the 87 at the end

[carhill]

Processing the information leads to acceptance, but then I can't get rid of the hurt, which makes me feel betrayed. I have gone months feeling more on the side of acceptance, but I always trip up over feeling incredible hurt and betrayed. Hopefully one day, the scales will tip to the more favorable side.

Haven't seen you post much of late. How is life in general going for you?

 

I'll give an example: The economy and financial losses from divorce are still a struggle, but it's not an unhappy struggle, rather one of rebuilding, looking towards a brighter future. I've spent a lot of time with friends and recently have been supporting my best friend as he's faced colon cancer. I'm off in a week to visit other friends in your part of the country. Good times. Mom's estate is settled and I was recently able to look at some old home movies of our trips together without feeling like crying over that loss. Bla, bla.

 

Remember, it's a process. Part of processing the 'hurt' is accepting that a bit of it will always be with you. It's part of your human experience. As more and happier experiences and emotional memories form, it takes its place amongst them but not a ruling position, rather a mindful subordinate position, reminding one of their humanity.

 

So, do a position check on your life and see how things go. It's not perfect. I personally haven't dated anyone nor even considered it since early 2010 while separated. Between finalizing the divorce and my mom's death I'm really not in the mood. Maybe that will change tomorrow. Who knows? Same with you. Each day is a new day. Good luck

[pandagirl]

The posters here have given you very good advice, OP.

 

I'd just like to chime in to say, time is still a great healer - it may be taking longer for you than him, but that's because you chose to do it in a way that takes more integrity and will lead to better personal growth and stronger character, as opposed to cheating. When you cheat, it is usually easier to be 'over' someone because there is someone else, who is not necessarily 'better' but just 'there'.

 

I agree with you. But seeing that he's still with this girl and it seems serious, I kind of feel like: What if he was right in leaving me for her, since it seems to be working out?

 

Haven't seen you post much of late. How is life in general going for you?

 

Honestly, part of the reason I haven't been on LS lately is because I've been too busy just trying to live life. I've been keeping busy, sporadically dating, going on trips, working, etc. During the past few months, I've definitely thought of my ex, but it wasn't until I found out last night that he's still with her and moving in with her that it threw me for one.

 

It's like validation or confirmation that he made the right choice in leaving me, and he has no regrets.

[torn_curtain]

I agree with you. But seeing that he's still with this girl and it seems serious, I kind of feel like: What if he was right in leaving me for her, since it seems to be working out?

 

 

 

Honestly, part of the reason I haven't been on LS lately is because I've been too busy just trying to live life. I've been keeping busy, sporadically dating, going on trips, working, etc. During the past few months, I've definitely thought of my ex, but it wasn't until I found out last night that he's still with her and moving in with her that it threw me for one.

 

It's like validation or confirmation that he made the right choice in leaving me, and he has no regrets.

 

I know exactly how you feel. My ex of several years left me and then dove head first into a relationship with another girl shortly after. I think this is actually common for men...

 

The truth is you don't know the details of their relationship and whether they are actually happier. Who knows--maybe he needs somebody who is ultra passive and submits to his wants. Or maybe he can only commit to someone who is really bitchy and puts up a wall so they are never truly intimate. There are an endless number of possibilities that would involve his girlfriend being in a position you'd never want for yourself.

 

I mostly got over him on my own but the only thing that truly pushed me over the feeling of betrayal was finding someone else I was interested in. I was 95% there and I didn't have any feelings for him left but the sense of hurt and betrayal still lingered. Maybe that's where you are. So I suspect until you get invested in someone else that sadness may linger. How much effort are you putting into meeting new people?

Edited August 3, 2011 by torn_curtain

[Star Gazer]

Oh panda... You've received a lot of good advice so far. I don't really have much to add other that just keep loving life, and give it more time. ((hug))

[stillafool]

Loveshack, I'm frustrated. I can't get over the hurt of my break of almost a year ago

 

My ex basically cheated and left me for another girl (though he never admitted that to me). Now, I find out that he is moving in with that girl. I'm spinning.

 

I realize that we didn't work out. I realize that breakups happen and it's just part of life. And I realize that he wasn't the one for me. But it still causes me great pain to think about it.

 

Why is it after almost a year that he is happy and in a relationship with a girl who he is serious enough with the live with, while I've spent the last 11 months single, getting over him and dealing with the residual emotional wreckage. It just DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.

 

That insecure part of me thinks: Is she that much better than me? She must be. He left me for her. She has him. I have no one.

 

He never apologized, just sort of left me cold turkey, wondering what exactly went wrong. God, why does it still hurt?

 

Why haven't you dated in 11 months? You should go ahead and start dating again, not to get serious but have fun. Are you going out with your girlfriends and having fun? Another thing that might help is to tell your friends to not report back information about your Ex because it hurts too much. No information about him is the best thing for you right now.

[stillafool]

Well, from the photos it seems happy, and the fact that they moved in together is sort of a HUGE deal for him. You're right though, I shouldn't make assumptions. It's neither here nor there. Plus, I know for a fact that he still frequently logs into the dating site where we met.

 

See this kind of stuff has to stop if you want to move on.

[carhill]

I agree with stillafool. Those 'facts' are now irrelevant to suss out. Actions can impel emotions just as equally as the reverse. You *choose* your actions. Looking at photos, as an example, or determining log-ins on a dating site are *choices*. My 'tests' recently were transferring old vacation/camping tapes I had made with my exW and her family to DVD. I even transferred some of the stuff from our wedding. Those were tests to see how I'd *feel*. I felt a little nostalgic ('wow, time sure has flown by') but I didn't have feelings of loss or anger or hurt. It was neutral. Had the reaction been marked and negative, I just would have stopped, put everything away and went on with another task and not revisited it for a good while, like months. I did this periodically during recovery as tests. Dating was a test. It's OK to 'fail' the test; then, move on and 'study' more for the next one. Happy to read life in general is going well. It'll work out.

[Nohbody]

carhill, that's fantastic.

[pandagirl]

I know exactly how you feel. My ex of several years left me and then dove head first into a relationship with another girl shortly after. I think this is actually common for men...

 

The truth is you don't know the details of their relationship and whether they are actually happier. Who knows--maybe he needs somebody who is ultra passive and submits to his wants. Or maybe he can only commit to someone who is really bitchy and puts up a wall so they are never truly intimate. There are an endless number of possibilities that would involve his girlfriend being in a position you'd never want for yourself.

 

I mostly got over him on my own but the only thing that truly pushed me over the feeling of betrayal was finding someone else I was interested in. I was 95% there and I didn't have any feelings for him left but the sense of hurt and betrayal still lingered. Maybe that's where you are. So I suspect until you get invested in someone else that sadness may linger. How much effort are you putting into meeting new people?

 

You are right. I don't know the details of their relationships. The thing is, I know we weren't the right match. That's not really the problem. I can clearly see why we weren't a match. He did want someone more submissive and easier to control than me. A lot of our fights centered on the fact that he never wanted to compromise, and I was never OK with that.

 

Yes, the hurt and betrayal still linger. I've never been a very flirty person. In fact, my friends last night were trying to teach me how to flirt and be more open! haha. I meet lots of people all the time, but I guess my confidence isn't very high when it comes to men or attracting them.

 

Oh panda... You've received a lot of good advice so far. I don't really have much to add other that just keep loving life, and give it more time. ((hug))

 

Thanks.

 

Why haven't you dated in 11 months? You should go ahead and start dating again, not to get serious but have fun. Are you going out with your girlfriends and having fun? Another thing that might help is to tell your friends to not report back information about your Ex because it hurts too much. No information about him is the best thing for you right now.

 

I am sporadically dating. I'd say within the last 11 months, I've been on dates with about six different men. Only one of them was I really interested in, but it didn't work out. I go out A LOT. I have a ton of great friends and a very active social life

 

I agree with stillafool. Those 'facts' are now irrelevant to suss out. Actions can impel emotions just as equally as the reverse. You *choose* your actions. Looking at photos, as an example, or determining log-ins on a dating site are *choices*.

 

It's my obsessive nature to check up on him. But I know it's something I need to stop. I would know nothing about his life if I weren't internet stalking him. :/

[reimeivn]

I am gonna give you some advices on this moving in thing that he is doing with his new gf.

 

My ex might have been dating somebody already and it hurts me, so I do feel you. Give it some times and just try thinking this way: so its really over.

 

Back to what I was saying, uhm, listen, its not that she is better than you. when he lives with her, (1) he unable to go through this time and grow up, and so he has an empty space in his life, so he tries hard to put her in, so she can fill it. So, he is a loser.

 

(2) If you think they are moving steadily, uhm, listen, they are not. If you want to get married with this one person, you know it, you know you love him too much to overcome whatever it is when you marry that you dont test. And come on, you are always always have a lot do difficulties, no matter married or not, because marriage is so different, so moving in together doesnt really help that much. So whats the reason is just: either one of them is testing the other, or both. They are not that perfect together and you know it.

 

(3) 15 out of 100 people who move in together end up married. and even when they do, they are 50% less happy. when you move in together, your mindset is different. you live on a monthly lease. when you married, you dont do month to month lease anymore, you give yourself all in, since there is NO way out. and it makes a difference from the very start.

 

so I doubt this will end up happily.

 

(4) How old is he again? even if he is 50, the fact that he did all that to you mean he is a 3 year olds. and he is unable to have a meaningful relationship. they will end up leaving each other, or divorced, or die old unhappily. so be glad, always always be glad that you are not with him anymore.

[D-Lish]

Panda- promise us you'll never check up on him again missy!

You will always regress when you do things like this.

 

I know it's not enough to recognize that someone wasn't right for you, that doesn't make the hurt any less powerful.

 

As you know, I'm in the same boat as you- still ruminating over being dumped by a guy that wasn't right for me at all. I know logically I will get over it one day because I've been through it before and made it out the other side.

 

I look back on most of my ex's and think to myself "wtf was I thinking?????" Yet, it did take some time to get there. I know both you and I will get to that point where we feel that way- because it's an inevitable outcome- that day will come.

 

Getting to that day? Well, it seems you are doing everything right (except the photo checking:rolleyes:) You're keeping busy, seeing your friends, having the odd date here and there... These are all avenues that will lead to that day where you'll have your "wtf" moment.

 

I'm really trying to focus on all the things that were so wrong about my ex (including the fact that he ran like a girl:eek:)... your turn- name something really annoying about him. Make a list even...

Edited August 4, 2011 by D-Lish

[pandagirl]

I am gonna give you some advices on this moving in thing that he is doing with his new gf.

 

My ex might have been dating somebody already and it hurts me, so I do feel you. Give it some times and just try thinking this way: so its really over.

 

Back to what I was saying, uhm, listen, its not that she is better than you. when he lives with her, (1) he unable to go through this time and grow up, and so he has an empty space in his life, so he tries hard to put her in, so she can fill it. So, he is a loser.

 

(2) If you think they are moving steadily, uhm, listen, they are not. If you want to get married with this one person, you know it, you know you love him too much to overcome whatever it is when you marry that you dont test. And come on, you are always always have a lot do difficulties, no matter married or not, because marriage is so different, so moving in together doesnt really help that much. So whats the reason is just: either one of them is testing the other, or both. They are not that perfect together and you know it.

 

(3) 15 out of 100 people who move in together end up married. and even when they do, they are 50% less happy. when you move in together, your mindset is different. you live on a monthly lease. when you married, you dont do month to month lease anymore, you give yourself all in, since there is NO way out. and it makes a difference from the very start.

 

so I doubt this will end up happily.

 

(4) How old is he again? even if he is 50, the fact that he did all that to you mean he is a 3 year olds. and he is unable to have a meaningful relationship. they will end up leaving each other, or divorced, or die old unhappily. so be glad, always always be glad that you are not with him anymore.

 

Aw you are too cute! Your post was so good. Thanks for that.

 

She isn't really a "new" girlfriend though. He's been with her for 10 months or so.

 

Still your points are taken and appreciated very much!

[pandagirl]

I'm really trying to focus on all the things that were so wrong about my ex (including the fact that he ran like a girl:eek:)... your turn- name something really annoying about him. Make a list even...

 

Oh, a list! I will make one NOW:

 

1. Drank too much

2. Work obsessed

3. Power obsessed

4. Image obsessed

5. Tendencies to objectify women

6. Never did the dishes when I cooked

7. Never got me a birthday present

8. Had a temper

 

There! How'd I do?

[D-Lish]

Oh, a list! I will make one NOW:

 

1. Drank too much

2. Work obsessed

3. Power obsessed

4. Image obsessed

5. Tendencies to objectify women

6. Never did the dishes when I cooked

7. Never got me a birthday present

8. Had a temper

 

There! How'd I do?

 

You did well. I was hoping for a "farted in his sleep" somewhere in that list:lmao:

 

Does it feel a tiny bit better to point these things out?