How do I stop myself looking at her and his fb?

[YuGr.]

This seems like a really odd and stupid question for me to ask. I know there's no magical way for me to stop other than literaly stopping myself but here's how I'm seeing it;

 

I don't have her nor him as a friend on facebook, kept NC for one month, started the day we broke up. But I can't stop myself to look at his facebook and see if there's new posted pictures of my ex or them together at a new cool place they were together that we never use to do.. I look at her facebook to see if her amount of friends changed to know if she went on for some reason... I'm talking like 5-6-7-8-9 times a day depending on how busy I am that day... It's ridiculous..

 

The only reason I can't stop myself, is because I'm thinking that if I completely stop, if I stubble upon a comment of her's on a mutual friend's picture or something and I see a new display picture of them together or anything like that I'm going to look, see a bunch of new things because I haven't been looking and my stomach acid will find a new way to make me sick.. I feel like it's either a small amount of hurt every few days, or heartbroken like crazy in one painful moment.. Help?

[KathyM]

This seems like a really odd and stupid question for me to ask. I know there's no magical way for me to stop other than literaly stopping myself but here's how I'm seeing it;

 

I don't have her nor him as a friend on facebook, kept NC for one month, started the day we broke up. But I can't stop myself to look at his facebook and see if there's new posted pictures of my ex or them together at a new cool place they were together that we never use to do.. I look at her facebook to see if her amount of friends changed to know if she went on for some reason... I'm talking like 5-6-7-8-9 times a day depending on how busy I am that day... It's ridiculous..

 

The only reason I can't stop myself, is because I'm thinking that if I completely stop, if I stubble upon a comment of her's on a mutual friend's picture or something and I see a new display picture of them together or anything like that I'm going to look, see a bunch of new things because I haven't been looking and my stomach acid will find a new way to make me sick.. I feel like it's either a small amount of hurt every few days, or heartbroken like crazy in one painful moment.. Help?

You should block the x on facebook, if you haven't already done that, so you won't be getting information about him. You need to discipline yourself to stop looking at the gfs facebook. Distract yourself when you feel the urge. It only brings you pain to see what he and she are up to. My sister felt the same way when she divorced her second husband. She still loved him, even though he never had it in him to be husband material. Every day after their divorce she felt compelled to check what he was up to on fb and who he was seeing. Finally, she realized she couldn't go on like that and blocked him. She's a lot better now when she doesn't have to be reminded on a daily basis what he's doing and with whom.

[YuGr.]

I look at both their facebook pages, but not their actual wall because its set on private, can you imagine that? haha I guess I should've mentioned that. I don't have either one as a friend, so I go and look at my ex's current boyfriend's Cellphone Album that isn't private to see if there's anything new, usually 1 pic a week..

 

Thank you for your reply!

[bslchump]

Hah, I actually almost JUST checked her/his FB, but thought, "No, go to Loveshack instead and read some stuff."

 

Trust me, you don't want to see it. That's not to say they're going to post out of the ordinary stuff, but even regular stuff will hurt like a bitch. A few months ago I checked her FB page and all she had done was change her profile picture and it really got to me. Stung for days. It doesn't make sense, but any and all change in their lives just twists the knife.

 

I can't tell you any tried-and-true method, but I usually say to myself, "If you read posts about this stuff on Loveshack for 15 minutes, and you STILL just HAVE to look, go ahead and look." I haven't slipped up in the past 2 months, even though sometimes it's been almost impossibly difficult.

[patagonia]

Once my ex was in a relationship and I knew I was out and I knew I was leaving I told her to block me on fb. I knew if I blocked her, I could just unblock her anytime I wanted. With her blocking me, I have no choice and it's that much easier

 

I'm not sure if u don't want to break NC...just have self control over yourself. Otherwise tell her to block you.

[YuGr.]

Hah, I actually almost JUST checked her/his FB, but thought, "No, go to Loveshack instead and read some stuff."

 

Trust me, you don't want to see it. That's not to say they're going to post out of the ordinary stuff, but even regular stuff will hurt like a bitch. A few months ago I checked her FB page and all she had done was change her profile picture and it really got to me. Stung for days. It doesn't make sense, but any and all change in their lives just twists the knife.

 

I can't tell you any tried-and-true method, but I usually say to myself, "If you read posts about this stuff on Loveshack for 15 minutes, and you STILL just HAVE to look, go ahead and look." I haven't slipped up in the past 2 months, even though sometimes it's been almost impossibly difficult.

 

Both in the same boat then huh?

To me, I find I just keep looking just to know what's going on. It hurts but not so much and not for so long because usually they're pictures of them together holding each other and the only thing that comes to my mind is ''Wow did she really leave me for this dude?'' but not in a really hurtful way.. I just feel like its not okay for me to look at their facebook, but if I stop myself I'll feel like I'm missing so much in a way.. and it'll ACTUALLY hurt when I do and see so many new things instead of one at a time with time in between them. And of course, like everyone else, I do want her back..

 

I'll try your suggestion and see how it goes

[smudge21]

I think it's that small tiny bit of hope that lingers in the back of our heads and hearts. We look for any info that suggests that maybe, just maybe there's a chance to get things back as they were, or at least see that things aren't going too well for them (if the break up was a bit nasty).

 

I just try and focus on remembering how much it hurts when I see her pictures or find any info. Sadly, I still occasionally do it. I've always said the NC business is like being a drug addict; even though we're trying our best to get the ex out of our lives, we still slip up and have that little fix every now and then.

[bslchump]

I think it's that small tiny bit of hope that lingers in the back of our heads and hearts. We look for any info that suggests that maybe, just maybe there's a chance to get things back as they were, or at least see that things aren't going too well for them (if the break up was a bit nasty).

 

I just try and focus on remembering how much it hurts when I see her pictures or find any info. Sadly, I still occasionally do it. I've always said the NC business is like being a drug addict; even though we're trying our best to get the ex out of our lives, we still slip up and have that little fix every now and then.

 

This exactly.

[0hpenelope]

You'll get tired of checking up on their Facebooks someday and how much it hurts to see them. How soon that comes is really up to you.

[amethyste]

Deactivate your account...

[The_Good_Me]

I'm in the same boat YuGr. My ex only got a fb account AFTER dumping me and her user name is her nick name from work. I imagine she didn't put her real name because she doesn't want me to know she's on it. I found her when I randomly typed her name and nick name into google and there was a link to fb. My stomach turned when I saw she had set up an account, especially as she used to call me "sad" for being on facebook during our relationship. Go figure.

 

Anyway as I'm not her friend on it all I can see are the photo's changing, the friend total and if she adds certain things like relationship changes, job changes etc. I used to check every monday evening (thinking she'll be going out on friday & or saturday nights and adding new people she meets over the weekend). I haven't done this for 2 weeks now but I still get the urge to check. Clicking in the search box would physically turn my stomach and I'd type the name in while calling myself an idiot in my head. So far the photo has only changed once and the dreaded "In a relationship with" hasn't appeared but it's only a matter of time. What's stopped me over the last 2 weeks is the fact that I feel so sick and scared and upset everytime I even think about looking at her profile.

 

I tried blocking her about a month and a bit ago but that only lasted 2 weeks. I unblocked her and looked again (like a fool).

 

If you're really struggling to stop yourself from looking, I think the only thing you can do is ask your ex to block you. That way you cannot look even if you search. I have been tempted to do this but I'm doing well at NC (coming up to 3 months) and I don't want to break it for anything.

 

If I had been checking her profile multiple times every day then I think I would have broken NC to ask her to block me though! You know deep down that checking is only going to hurt you and if you can't stop yourself, you may need your ex to block you to help you through.

 

You'd only have to send a simple "Hi, I'm sorry to ask this of you, but could you block me on facebook? it will really help me to heal from the breakup.". This really should be a last resort though. You'll feel so much better if you manage this on your own but do not be afraid to ask for this if you feel it will help you to heal.

 

Brief pain now & quicker overall healing time > prolonged overall healing time!

[flitzanu]

um, block them both? it's that simple. then they don't exist on your facebook at all and you can't see them.

[Sebastian76]

I was in the same pathetic boat. And it's like this weird super addictive drug that only gives bad trips.

 

This is what I did and it has been working for me pretty well. I've slipped a couple of times since beginning, but not the same extent as before.

 

I keep a journal on my laptop where I write down every time I've e-stalked my ex AND also how it made me feel afterwards. It soon becomes crystal clear that it only makes you feel like **** and is just you punishing yourself. At the same time I also write down all the other stuff I do and how THAT makes me feel, e.g. working out, dating.. It works because all of a sudden it has consequences to do the check ups - namely that you'll have put into your diary how you f....d up and that it made you miserable too.

 

Try it if you haven't!

 

Best, Sebastian

[reimeivn]

you tell a best friend of you to go in, change your fb password, and then just not use fb until she lets you.

[YuGr.]

You'll get tired of checking up on their Facebooks someday and how much it hurts to see them. How soon that comes is really up to you.

^This

 

I've noticed that it's just not as hurtful anymore when she posts a new picture of them together and by seeing it all the time it's getting me use to the idea of her being with someone else and making me forget that we were even once together barely a month ago.

 

Also noticed I'm not looking as often as I just don't really mind anymore.. I guess I am healing after all!

[growingpains]

Glad to hear you are healing and basically it just takes willpower. You know it's going to sting a bit but you still do it. Although it does sound like it's getting less. But best of all is not to do it AT ALL!

 

I found this was quite a helpful article and not just for guys in abusive relationships, just in general and applies to females too. Hope it helps.

 

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2010/04/09/no-contact-includes-not-keeping-tabs-on-your-ex-via-facebook-twitter-blogs-or-myspace/

 

If anyone thinks it's useful I might post in the main forum as this is a really common thing that holds a lot of healing up I think.

 

GP

[Karala]

Facebook is stupid. Deactivate (or better yet, delete) your account.

 

 

The only reason I can't stop myself, is because I'm thinking that if I completely stop, if I stubble upon a comment of her's on a mutual friend's picture or something and I see a new display picture of them together or anything like that I'm going to look, see a bunch of new things because I haven't been looking and my stomach acid will find a new way to make me sick.. I feel like it's either a small amount of hurt every few days, or heartbroken like crazy in one painful moment.. Help?

 

Excuse me, but this is just bullsh*it rationalization. I know, because I used to do that too :] If you go NC like you should (and that means no cyberstalking either), you will heal and move on and come to a place where you won't care about whatever new things you may learn about your ex. Seriously. I know it's hard to believe, but some day sooner or later you will realize that and only wish you'd spared yourself the pain of delaying NC.