Need help getting over Cheating...

[rachaelnesquik]

Hey guys!

I'm brand new to the community and nice to 'meet' you all

 

I really could use your advice. My bf and i dated for 5 years, and towards the end we fought alot and were very unhappy, and i found out he was cheating on me and slept with another girl. He told me all the details to make me forgive him, but that made it worse cause then i pictured it in my mind. I went bat-crap crazy, and we broke up. He then saw her for the next three months, while i cried my eyes out every day.

 

Then he comes back to me, begging me to take him back, saying he has changed etc. It was what I wanted and wished for. Now we have been back together for 6 months, and he has definately changed, and had NC with her - but i cant forget. Everyday i picture it in my head, him sleeping with her. The details he told me. I have never met her, but saw on facebook. She is skinny but not very pretty, and apparently very loose.

 

I cant carry on like this. I love him so much and want to spend my life with him, but i cant stop seeing the betrayal and what he did:sick:...

 

Can you guys please give me some tips on how to move forward? Im 24 atm, and this emotional distress is killing me

 

Thanks guys:bunny:

Edited August 3, 2011 by rachaelnesquik
missing word from title

[smudge21]

First off, "bat-crap crazy" I like that and am going to use it in conversation more.

 

Secondly, you need to talk this out if you ever hope to get past this. Both of you could maybe do with seeing a professional and airing how you feel. You can talk to him about it, but the problem is he's the focus of this pain, so a third party would be more helpful.

 

You can't try to get past it on your own as it will stay with you and eventually will destroy the relationship.

 

The only comfort you can take is that everyone makes mistakes and it's how we deal with those mistakes. Clearly he does realise his mistake and has changed, but it's still on your mind. That's understandable.

 

Find someone who can help as the sooner you get this sorted, the sooner you can move on and be happy.

[oldguy]

First off, "bat-crap crazy" I like that and am going to use it in conversation more.

That is cute.

 

Secondly, you need to talk this out if you ever hope to get past this. Both of you could maybe do with seeing a professional and airing how you feel. You can talk to him about it, but the problem is he's the focus of this pain, so a third party would be more helpful.

You can't try to get past it on your own as it will stay with you and eventually will destroy the relationship.

Find someone who can help as the sooner you get this sorted, the sooner you can move on and be happy.

I totally agree.

 

Trust, like love is freely given but must be nurtured to maintain.

His job is to earn your trust back, every moment of every day for as long as it takes. That does not mean you can abuse that effort, it does mean he has to be willing to commit & you need to hold him accountable.

[rachaelnesquik]

Thanks guys - I am happy for the speedy response:laugh:

 

There is also the fact that, although he has NC with her, she still texts and mails how she misses him, and this hurts me, even though he tells her to 'go fly'.

 

I was brought up to be the type of woman where you are true to your morals, and he was the only guy i was ever with, which is why it hurts so much.

 

Do you think it will ever be possible, to forget?

 

 

xoxo:love:

[oldguy]

Forget? No. Nor do I believe it will ever be the same; 'squeaky clean, pure white, fresh' feeling but it can be something better than you can imagine now or before, just not the same.

 

He needs to stop or block those texts. You can't begin to deal with this as long as it is kept fresh. He needs to get "bat-crap crazy" & put a complete stop to this. This is part of what HE needs to do to earn your trust back, NO excuses. If he has no contact how is he telling her to; "go-fly", NC is NC, do not tolerate excuses from this boy.

 

I'm convinced that the reason some people don't cheat has a lot to do with the fact that their SO wont tolerate it. His job is to earn your trust for as long as that takes. Remember, don't abuse his efforts but your job is to hold him accountable. And do get a relationship counselor involved ASAP.

Good luck to both of you.

Edited August 3, 2011 by oldguy

[bonpaw2008]

I agree with the other two posters. Counselling with both of you is a must. Trust is hard to earn and easy to lose. You will not trust him again until you know why it happened, and what he is doing to not let it happen again. Best of luck

[wilsonx]

He will never give you the truth if you ask him why. 2 reasons he might not know, or hes too embarrassed to tell the truth.

 

If you are posting here on these forums about a long term significant other that cheated on you, theres something thats really bothering you.

 

I can tell you that my ex cheated on me last May 2010. I ended the relationship the night it happened. A few weeks to myself, I thought I would have gotten over it. So I got back together with her. After a year it ultimately ended the relationship. I was ALWAYS hurt and had trust issues with her. Guess what, she did it again a year later.

 

Don't be your ex's doormat. Let him go and find someone better

[reimeivn]

there is this saying once a cheater always a cheater which is just right. i cant tell you what is that that is just so different in my mind, who never ever cheat, and somebody who does. maybe the fact is that the idea never happens to be in my mind, or maybe the fact that i dont be with people who are not the world to me.

 

and by the way the woman they dont go out of their way to bother a guy who already in a relationship if he doesnt let her. tell you what my ex let a girl do that, and yes she has always been there, still there with him, and must have done even more than just what I know because she cant even look me in the face.

 

there are so many ways that he can just end that to be with you but I dont see him choosing that easy road. i think you should not stay with him. you need to have boundaries and he crossed that. you now need to move on and be with the one, or if you cant find one at the moment, who treats you the same as you do to him. that is, no cheating whatsoever.

[smudge21]

Not sure about the once and cheater always a cheater line... I think it depends on the circumstances.

 

I cheated on a long term girlfriend many years ago. It was a one off and I remember afterwards feeling so nasty and dirty about the whole thing. I really wanted to put back time and stop myself from doing it. I realised at that moment how much I wanted to be with my girlfriend, how much she meant to me. I never cheated again, and haven't on any partners since that time.

 

My view is that if you cheat and feel terrible then it's a perfect indication that you love the person you cheated on, and you don't do it again - you just pray that you can work things out and keep the relationship you nearly lost. But for a lot of people when they cheat, they think nothing of it (and usually do it again and again) and that's the indication that they do not care one bit for their partners, so yes, in that case, they will always cheat. I also feel that for someone to become a serial cheater, they've got have lost all love and respect for their partners, so you can usually tell when it's going on or going to happen. Plus, I've seen it many times when a partner lets a cheater back, not just the once but many times - it's like they're giving them a free pass to treat them like dirt and carry on cheating, so they do. All the respect they once had has gone. The relationship should end but it doesn't and people stay together with one partner constantly cheating.

 

In the situation we have here, I see a guy who cheated and regretted it. Realised his love for his partner and now really does want to make it right. I don't see a serial cheater nor someone who would do it again in a hurry (would never suggest he would never do it, just like I'd never say I'd never do it again - temptation is very tempting). However, he needs to work on how to gain that trust back and she needs to work on trusting again and being able to move on. Hence why I suggested a professional to help.

 

Finally, he really does need to tell this woman to stop texting - change his number, anything to remove this person from your lives. Don't ask him to do it, tell him to do it.

[KathyM]

Thanks guys - I am happy for the speedy response:laugh:

 

There is also the fact that, although he has NC with her, she still texts and mails how she misses him, and this hurts me, even though he tells her to 'go fly'.

 

I was brought up to be the type of woman where you are true to your morals, and he was the only guy i was ever with, which is why it hurts so much.

 

Do you think it will ever be possible, to forget?

 

 

xoxo:love:

That memory will be with you permanently, I'm afraid. But it will fade over time. Some days it will dominate your thoughts. Some days, you won't really think about it. As time goes on, you will think about it less and less. I know if it had happened to me, I would not have been able to get past it, but some people do, and go on to repair their relationship. You start by redeveloping trust over time. It's good that he has told her to stop contacting him, but he needs to do more. He should change his cell phone number and block her Emails. As long as she continues to contact him, she will be a threat to your relationship and a threat to your recovery. She needs to be totally out of the picture. Have him block her on his Email. Have him change his cell number. You need to stop this woman from contacting him. Some women don't take no for an answer, and will continue to hound a man as long as she has any glimmer of hope that she might get him back.

[rachaelnesquik]

Wow guys, thank you so much for the speedy responses. You all are very special and I appreciate it so much:love:

 

An update, he deleted her from facebook and all the IM programs, and she has stopped contacting, at least for a few weeks. I am hoping she gets the message now.

 

Do you all think it will be a bad idea if i had to message her? Never met her but I don't know. Lol scared if i see her in the street I will throw something:D

 

I am going to a psychologist next week to help me move on from this. The boyfriend is being oh so nice, really made a turn around, so no problems there.

 

The fact that I never slept with anyone while we were apart gives me a weird feeling....not that I missed out, not that I want revenge, almost like I dont know what it was like to be on the level he was on. Does that make sense or am i being bat-crap crazy again? Any of you experienced this?

 

xoxo love you all!!