I just need to get this out

[perpetual_illusion]

This is my story. I know it's really long, but I just needed to get all of this out of my head, off of my chest. If you happen to make it to the end and have any bit of advice or insight to offer, I'd greatly appreciate it.

 

I'm really having trouble with this. I feel like this isn't just your run-of-the-mill break up. We were "first loves" when we were 14-15 years old. I broke up with her then, because we were just going into high school and even though I really cared about her, I wanted to be single for that part of my life. I think at that time I really saw her as someone that I could be with without issue and I know she felt the same way. Our break up at that point in life really tore her apart. She became depressed and started dating really shady characters. But I think I was always the gold standard that none of them could match up to.

 

When she was 20, she got pregnant and got married. A couple years ago, she looked me up and we started exchanging e-mails. She expressed that she had married for all the wrong reasons that she didn't really like the guy, etc. I figured, if anything, I could just be someone there for her to talk to or to cheer her up from time to time. We e-mailed for a while, I think at one point there was about a ten month stretch where I didn't hear from her. Then one day out of the blue I got another. She said she was finishing school soon and would be moving out when she did. At this point she really put the moves on me. We met up at one point, and she looked great. We started e-mailing more frequently and when she did move out, we started dating.

 

I was very reluctant at first, seeing as she was just getting out of a long term relationship. My plans weren't set in stone (I might move for work or school or just because I want to explore the world), but I figured I could at least be there for her and enjoy getting to know her again. Well, I really started to fall for her, but I still wasn't showing it. After about two months, she broke it off, said I wasn't invested enough and that she couldn't deal with me just up and leaving for whatever reason. I eventually told her how I felt, that I thought she was making a mistake. And about two months after that, we got back together.

 

Enter our most current relationship. I totally fell for her. This girl was beautiful, she had a good job, she had proven to be a good mother, she was an excellent lover, and I just flat out enjoyed being in her company, we had excellent chemistry as well. She also told me how much she loved me, how she had always loved me. She's a spiritualist, so she believes in soul mates and that we were soul mates. We had such a connection, after about a month, I opened myself to her and fell hard. I had never loved someone so much.

 

Around July 4th, I went to visit my brother. Turns out I might be able to get a job there that would give me free tuition toward a graduate degree. It seemed a long shot, but it wasn't something I could pass up. After not getting into graduate school here, my girlfriend had expressed concern of me getting a job there and leaving. I assured her it wouldn't happen. So, I applied for the job, and didn't tell her. I figured I would wait until I at least had an interview. Well, it was the beginning of her vacation, so she was hanging out at a friends house. I thought it would just be my girlfriend, her friend and her friend's husband. They ended up getting trashed, she sent me pictures of her good time, and there happened to be the legs of two guys in one of them. So, I called her and was like wtf? She said he was there when she got there and that more people were suppose to be coming over including this guys GF. However, it was 11:30pm at this point, they had been a foursome getting trashed for about 4 hours at this point. I expressed to her that I didn't like the situation. She got all pissed of and ended up driving home drunk after I pleaded with her not to. She said it was the only way I would believe she hadn't done anything. We argued the next day. The following day was Monday the fourth, my grandmother passed away, so I just checked out. Wednesday I called her from the airport, I was going to her place straight from the airport. We argued. When I got there she found out about my grandmother, and decided to put aside what had happened to console me.

 

The next week it was up to MA for the funeral for five days. We talked a little. When I got back, I went to see her, we had a good time. Thinking back on it, I could tell our conversations were strained the following days, we never really resolved the issue from the fourth. One day I was painting, the fumes make me irritable. She was having a busy day at work, I sent her a text asking how the first half of her day fared. Six o'clock rolled around, I still hadn't heard from her. I sent her a semi-nasty text because I thought she was ignoring me or forgot or something. She sent an explanatory text back, I took it the wrong way and an argument ensued. I went to FB looking for fodder, found a video that her ex had posted of fireworks. She said she had taken her daughter to see fireworks by herself. We fought some more, I told her that dishonesty wasn't conducive to a relationship and that we should go our separate ways. She was angry at me, acted like she didn't know what I was talking about, it was all my fault. The next day I learned that the video I had seen was from the day before she took her daughter. I was wrong, but the building mis-trust over the situation earlier in the month had finally boiled over in me.

 

I was still angry at how things happened, maybe a little too proud to just admit I was wrong. I felt somewhat justified because of her reactions, if everything was so innocent then why did she get angry instead of just telling me I was being dumb and that I was wrong. So, I ignored her all the next day, which was Thursday. I finally got her to agree to talk about things Friday night. It seemed to go ok, we even ended with a laugh. Saturday morning, she sent me a text saying that she just didn't understand my problems and that she just needed to think about her and no how her actions affected me and that we should go our separate ways. I figured she was still just angry, so I would give it some time to cool off.

 

I realized that I had been an idiot that last week. This past Sunday night, I sent her an apology for what I had done. She didn't even accept it, maybe she was still angry. I sent her another text telling her that I really thought what we had was stronger than this, how could she not be willing to try to work it out? She told me that she wasn't the girl for me, that I needed a girl who would submit to my every whim, that would send me an itinerary of her every move, and that wasn't her. She said that I was too intense and too confrontational. I didn't beg or plead, I just told her that she was wrong, that that wasn't me. She said that last week she had decided that there was nothing I could say to sway her and to just leave her alone. So, I did.

 

I'm still in a state of disbelief. I really thought our relationship was stronger than this, that we had something special. Part of me wants to just accept the fact that it's over and move on. But it's so hard. Everything I do reminds me of her. Everything I encounter makes me think of something that I wanted to do with her. I wanted to enjoy life with her in it. She had this thing with the number 24, she said it's always had a significant meaning to her and that she always associated it with me. Now, I can't stop seeing the number. It's not just in the time, like she always pointed out, it's in everything! I can't stop dreaming about her either. I try to keep myself busy, sometimes I think about other things, I manage to get my mind off of her and my sorrow, but it's like creating a weak dam. I can hold back the initial flow of water, but eventually it's too strong and when it breaks, it's just a torrent of pain.

 

I've never let someone so close to me before, I've had plenty of relationships, a few that lasted a half a year, one lasted almost two years, and I've never felt the love that I felt for her with anyone else. Part of me wants to believe that she's still just angry, that she'll come to her senses. But then part of me thinks, maybe this her defense mechanism, maybe she couldn't deal with me just throwing in a break up like that and she got all the wrong impressions about our relationship and is just protecting herself. Then, there's the idea that she's just a heartless b*tch. It really seems like the latter, because of how she told me she loves me and all and now she just wasn't willing to talk about anything. She can't accept my apology, let along give one of her own for how things turned out? Was she just feeding me lies the whole time? Did she even feel the things she said, or was she just using me? Or is she just still angry and bitter?

 

Like I said, I've never had the connection that I had with her in any other relationship. She's not the most attractive woman in the world, but when I look at more physically perfect women, I still just want her. I've never felt this severe of pain before, even in my longest relationship where I was the dumpee. I don't know what to do. My heart wants to believe that what we had was different, it was special, and that we'll end up back together. My heart wont let go of all the good times. Strangely, in the last 11 years of my life, she's the only thing that's made me truly break down and weep. But my head says it's most likely just like any other relationship, this pain will pass and you'll move on to greater things. My head tells wonders how she could be so cold and not even want to try, but then it also tells me that it's only been a little over a week, maybe she's still just angry. But even if she is still just angry, it really sounds like she's decided to move on. And I just don't know how to handle that.

[Philosoraptor]

First I want to thank you for responding to me, so I will return the favor and open my heart to you.

 

It sounds like both of you were hurting and got destructive instead of constructive. I was the dumper in my relationship and I love her with all of my heart, but I found that the only way I could pull away was to get angry and mean... it is something I regret.

 

She may have not been ready for a new relationship since she just got divorced, but I can't be certain about that. Just like in my relationship, it looks like too many external sources really attacked your ability to work together rather than tear each other apart. I know what you mean about the number though, mine was "17" because it randomly showed up on a CD I made as the song "Lucky" and long before I met her I figured it would have some significance in my love life... well it just happened to end up being her birthday and I see 17 everywhere now.

 

I did the same thing, instead of saying sorry I put the blame on her wrongly and really ruined chances of things working out. She is hurting now just like you, I promise. Maybe once she has begun to heal things might turn around, maybe they wont. But work on yourself and do what you need to heal. I know many people say always go NC, but don't do that until you have said what you need to say... because at least I know I can't find peace if I don't get out what needs to come out.

 

I truly hope your love comes back, if not then at least if you said what you needed to say... you will know you tried and it will be easier to move on.

[perpetual_illusion]

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. The strange thing is that her birthday is the number also, and we're both 24 this year...

 

I also wonder at times that by going out that weekend before the fourth, maybe she realized that she isn't ready for another relationship. I like to think that she meant what she said about her feelings for me. Maybe one day we'll have another chance after we both improve our lives, but then maybe we'll have moved on by that point. And if that's the case, we just weren't meant to be.

 

I've begun to wonder that when people break up, there were clearly issues, sometimes it just wasn't meant to be. At other times one or both parties were seeing things wrong; maybe in a sense the relationship had gotten out of sync. By breaking things off and going NC, each person is able to get past the emotions and realign themselves, if they allow themselves to. This way they break out of the mentality of the relationship and can really view it objectively. I think at this point, they could go either way, but if they both realize that the relationship really was what they wanted, it can work itself out. I could be completely off, because I've never experienced this, but it gives me hope.

 

I said some things, could have said more, but her response hurt too much and I have too much pride to appear desperate. I think now the best thing for the you and I is to move on, better ourselves for us. Once you become happy with yourself again, and happy in life, maybe you can try to rekindle what was there if you both want to and that time let the mole hills be mole hills. If not, there's always someone else out there that you can find love with (I don't believe there's just one soul mate for us all), and then you'll be all the wiser and recognize the mole hills for what they are.

 

Edit: I really liked the song from your thread, I can completely relate to it.

Edited August 3, 2011 by perpetual_illusion
Forgot something